01x13 - Jenny's Non-Dream

[bunniefuu]

Hey, shouldn't you be
going to school?

- Yes.
- And shouldn't you be wearing pants?

- They're still wet.
- So? Use magic to make new ones.

Magic jeans come out all stiff
and new. These are broken in.

Maybe I need
to clean the lint trap.

- Don't. That's a magic dryer.
- It is?

It fluffs, it folds
and it never loses a sock.

But it's been on the fritz lately.
We're still waiting for the repairman.

- When was he supposed to show up?
- Sometime in the afternoon

between and .

Forget it. I'll just wear clammy jeans.

Hey, they're stuck.
Ah! Call the repairman, now.

Good look. Wish I had my licence.

SALEM: What are you making?
- Sugar cookies.

SALEM: With bits of liver?
- No. Sprinkles.

SALEM:
Ech!

- Hey, I'm back.
- Did you have fun at Jenny's?

It was amazing.

Last night we ate casserole, played
Monopoly and then we watched TV.

How will you ever wind down?

It was so much fun
to be in a normal house,

with a normal family,
doing normal things.

Is that why you've never invited
Jenny for a sleepover?

Because you think we're weird?

That's a complicated question,
but the short answer would be yes.

Well, that's ridiculous.
We can be as normal as anyone.

Watch. I'm mixing by hand.

Just like a pioneer woman.

Now I want you to invite Jenny over.

How about next Friday?
I have my book club--

Jenny is not meeting
your brainy friends.

Could I finish my sentence?

I have my book club,
but I'll cancel it.

Now all you have to do
is invite Jenny over.

- What if I forget?
- I'll remind you.

- Ow!
- And I promise

we will be as normal
as normal can be.

[HORSE NEIGHING]

Tallyho. Who wants to play
miniature polo?

I'll have a talk with her.

So then Jenny's dad
landed on Park Place

and to pay the rent he had to borrow
the money from her little brother.

It was super funny.

My family can't play board games.
Not since the Pictionary incident.

I still can't talk about it.

Well, maybe you should hang out at
Jenny's house. Her family's really nice.

And a little boring.

But they love you. You should
come over again this Saturday.

That'd be great. Ow!
Why'd you kick me?

- I didn't kick you.
- That's weird.

- So, what time should I come over?
- Ow!

What is it?

Oh, just a reminder.

You know, I think it's my turn
to have you over to my house.

- That sounds fun.
- You don't have to answer right away.

You should know,
I have these two really weird aunts.

But I like weird. I love weird.
I bask in the glow of weird.

You know,
I think Jenny will fit right in. Ow!

That was me.

Okay, looking normal.

Oh, gotta get rid of my magic book.

Come on. Stay.

Good book.

Okay, now, Salem,
we need to work on your meow.

SALEM: Say what?
- Your meow.

It has to sound real for Jenny.
Let's hear it.

SALEM:
Okay. Meow.

- Can't you do it more catty?
SALEM: You mean, meow.

- Yeah.
SALEM: That is so cliché.

Humour me. There's still
something weird about this room.

I know.

There. It was too neat.
Now it's perfect.

And you know, Salem,
this could be fun.

SALEM: I'm happy for you. You
should be able to have friends over.

- Or in other words...
SALEM: Meow.

Look, I'm plumping pillows
all by myself.

I'm so impressed.
What smells weird?

- Hilda's cooking.
- Oh, no.

Hi, kitten. I just made tuna noodle
casserole. What do you think?

[COUGHING]

I think you're both overdone.

Here. I made a list of possible topics
for tonight's dinner conversation.

Now, if one doesn't work, move on,

but don't stray from the list.

Hey, I think I know
what to talk about. Towels?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Okay, she's here. Tense up.

Relax. It's the upstairs doorbell.

Upstairs doorbell?

For the linen closet. We must have
guests from the Other Realm.

Can't we pretend we're not here?

No. What if it's someone important?

Fine, but I don't understand why our
linen closet doesn't have a peephole.

- Spellman residence?
- Yes.

- I'm here about your dryer.
- I'll take you to the laundry room.

Oh, thanks.

Zelda, look. Oh, you have--

- Don't be rude.
- Nothing.

He can't stay. He has a tail.

SALEM:
What's wrong with having a tail?

Sabrina, you aren't a rumpist,
are you?

A rumpist? What's a rumpist?

Someone who judges other
by their rear ends.

No. Okay, not usually.

It's not me I'm worried about.
It's Jenny.

Is she a rumpist?

No. But if she sees a repairman
with a tail, she might get suspicious.

Oh, relax.
We'll keep him out of sight.

He'll fix the dryer and be gone
before you know it.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

It's probably her.

- Do I have to answer it?
- Yes.

Hey, you're here.

You too. It's a great house.

Come on in.
I'll give you the grand tour.

Okay, here's a bunch
of stuff we own.

All very normal.
Okay, let's go see if dinner's ready.

Well, it's kind of misleading
to call that the grand tour.

From the hand towel
to the guest towel,

the beach towel to the bath sheet,

towels have helped make
our nation great. Towels.

[YAWNS]

Okay, let's talk about
something else.

Oh, the collapse of the economy
on the Isle of Man.

Hilda, would you help me
clear the table?

- I'll help too.
- No. No. You're our guest.

- What's going on?
- I found your problem.

You've got a lint gremlin
growing in your dryer.

- Did you get rid of him?
- No, but I got a piece of him.

Well, find the rest.

Please and be quick about it.
Our niece has a mortal over.

Oh, a mortal.
I'd tuck in my tail, but it tickles.

So is everything okay?

- It's okay as apple pie.
- Wow, it's beautiful.

Couldn't be better.
Unless there's ice cream?

There is.

- In the freezer.
- Well, I'll get it.

My parents forced manners on me,
I might as well use them.

I think everything's going really well.

Except for the lint gremlin
that's escaped

and is now running
around the house.

- He got out?
JENNY: Ah!

SABRINA:
Jenny.

- Are you okay?
- No. I just saw the hugest spider.

Spider? That's great.

You know,
because spiders eat other bugs.

Hey, how about
we look at that ice cream?

- Yeah.
JENNY: Wow, got lots of flavours.

- It's all nonfat.
SABRINA: Let's go up to my room.

Hey, let's race. Look, you're winning.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Who is that?

Irwin, Vilia?
What are you doing here?

Our book club was cancelled tonight.
Didn't you get my e-mail?

VILIA: No, we had to drop
our AOL account

because a certain person
couldn't stay out of the chat rooms.

IRWIN: Where else can I be judged
by how I think and not by how I look?

I'm sure it's difficult
being a brain in a jar,

- but you can't come in.
VILIA: Taxi won't be back for two hours.

Sorry. Think warm thoughts.
Goodbye.

Hilda, we can't just leave them
outside. They'll get brain freeze.

I thought we were going for normal.

Oh, the girls are upstairs.

We'll take the brains into the dining
room and Sabrina will never know.

- Come on in.
BOTH: Yay.

Okay, but I'd just like to point out
that I am against this.

[THUNDER CRACKS]

Oh, pardon my finger.

JENNY: One-one thousand, two- , ,
three- , --

That's less than two miles away.

Yeah, we get a surprising amount
of lightning around here.

This is such a great place.

I mean, how many people
have their own turret?

I don't know. Me and Rapunzel?

There's a totally gothic feel
to this place.

Like anything could happen.

Could. But doesn't.

Too bad. That's like my dream.

Hey, I got an idea.
Want to tell each other secrets?

- Secrets?
- I'll go first.

Okay, ever since I read, The Lion,
the Witch and the Wardrobe,

I've believed in other realms.

Like the way Edmund pushes
past the coats and falls into Narnia.

I think that could happen
if we could just find the door.

- Wouldn't that be amazing?
- Yeah.

Okay, now it's your turn
to tell me your secret.

Well, I don't really
have any secrets,

I mean, you know me,
I'm an open book.

Oh, come on. Everyone has secrets.

Actually, I do have a secret.

I'd really like to tell you
but it's kind of hard.

Well, Sabrina,
you can tell me anything.

I promise I won't think it's strange.

Okay, well, the truth is, Jenny,

I'm a really messy person.

- What?
- Total slob.

You're messy?
That's your big secret?

Yeah. Shh.

[GLASS SHATTERING]

- What was that?
- I'll go check. You stay here

and you stay here.

Salem, guard my door so Jenny
doesn't go anywhere. Okay?

SALEM: Hey, dogs guard.
Cats watch. And judge.

IRWIN: Ow!
- Vilia. That was totally uncalled for.

IRWIN:
Oh, my left lobe.

What's going on here?

We were discussing
The Shipping News

and Vilia got upset.

IRWIN: She telekinetically
pushed me off the table.

VILIA: That book did not deserve
a Pulitzer Prize.

IRWIN: Please, if Wendy Wasserstein
can win one--

Excuse me.
I thought you cancelled your book club.

Hey, hey, come back here with that.

HILDA: He's got my pie.
You little lint ball, give me my pie.

This is insane.
I knew this wouldn't work.

Here.

I've gotta go tell Jenny that I feel sick
and she's gotta go home.

We better get you back
into some vital fluids.

IRWIN: Whatever you do,
don't put me in with her.

VILIA:
Please.

Sabrina?

Hey, kitty, do you know
where the linen closet is?

SALEM: Meow.
- I know it's snooping,

but all that talk about towels
made me want to check theirs out.

SALEM: Meow. Meow.
- I found it.

SALEM: Meow.
- What's up, Salem?

[THUNDER CRACKS]

SALEM: Jenny just got sent
to the Other Realm.

- You're kidding?
SALEM: No. And I'm glad.

Everything can go back to normal.

Jenny?

Jenny?

Jenny? Jenny, where are you?

Sabrina, what's all the shouting?
Are you all right?

No, I think Jenny got sent
to the Other Realm.

Oh, now I'm sure she didn't.

Salem saw her go in the closet
and shut the door.

Oh, then I guess she did.

Hello?

Is anyone here?

Wow, am I in Narnia?

Who are you?

"Skippy, the overlord's underling."
Cool.

Can you talk?

[SKIPPY CLEARS THROAT]

[COUGHS]

Oh, you have a frog in your throat.

Where am I?

Limbo. I'm in limbo.

Then I was right.

There is another realm.
And it's in Sabrina's linen closet.

Well, I wonder
if Sabrina knows about this.

Man, she was holding out on me.

Well, is there anyone else here
I could speak to?

[FROG CROAKS]

I mean somebody who could talk?

No offence.
I'm just not very good at charades.

DRELL: Nine thousand nine hundred
and ninety-five.

Nine thousand nine hundred
and ninety-six.

Nine thousand nine hundred
ninety-seven.

[THUNDER CRACKS]

Nine thousand nine hundred
and ninety-eight.

Nine thousand nine hundred
and ninety-nine.

[GRUNTS]

- That's all I can do.
- Wow, awesome.

Oh, thanks.

I've never seen a place
like this before.

It's called a gym.

- Who are you?
- Jenny.

- Who are you?
- Who am I?

You're joking, right?

No. Should I recognise you?

Yes, I am Drell.
Head of the Witches' Council.

- You're a witch?
- Yeah, aren't you?

No. I'm a mortal.

[LAUGHS]

You're a mortal? Really?

- That's funny.
- It is? Why?

Because now I have to turn you
into a grasshopper.

Skippy, man.
Where do you pick up these strays?

Don't look so sad.

You know you can't have a mortal.
You didn't feed the last one.

I don't see Jenny anywhere. I thought
you said she might be in limbo.

Well, she's not.

But don't worry.
Everything will be fine.

How you can say that?

Because sometimes when things
get tough, denial is all we have.

Oh, hey, there's Skippy.

Help us. We're looking for a girl
named Jenny.

He's seen her, let's go.

Wait. When in limbo,
you have to limbo.

[THUNDER CRACKS]

- I don't see Jenny.
- Good, because I see Drell.

Oh, hi, ladies. Glad you
didn't catch me doing anything silly.

Actually we were just looking
for someone.

But she doesn't seen to be here,
so we're sorry to disturb you.

Wait, maybe I have seen her.

- Is her name Jenny?
- Yes.

- Does she have green eyes?
- Yeah.

- Is she a vegetarian?
- Yeah.

Does he have a segmented body
and ears on her thorax?

- No.
- Wanna bet?

Oh, dear.

- Jenny. What did you do to her?
- I turned her into a grasshopper.

- Why?
- It was either that or a katydid.

You're gonna turn her back.
You're not gonna leave her like that.

Wrong. The rules are very clear
on what happens to mortals

who cross over into this realm.
And as you know, rules are rules.

What rules?
I wanna see these rules.

Oh, Rule Bearer.

Hear ye, hear ye,
the Rules of the Realm.

"Rule number one: No spitting.

Rule number two: All giants must
wipe their feet before--"

Could you skip
to the part about mortals?

"Rule number : Any mortal
who passes into this realm

shall be transformed
into a creepy, crawly thing."

That's the rule. Here's your friend.
The jar is yours to keep.

I can't believe this. Aunt Zelda.

Oh, honey, don't cry.

- Poor Jenny.
RULE BEARER: No, really, don't cry.

Rule number : No blubbering.

- Look, I just wanna be alone.
- Sabrina--

Let her go.

They need to redefine
their friendship.

Oh, Jenny, what have I done?

Your parents are gonna be
so mad at me.

I can't believe I dragged you
into my weirdness.

Look, just so you know,
I really did want to tell you my secret,

which, I guess at this point
is obvious.

Surprise, I'm a witch.

But it's not as much fun as you'd think.
I mean, all I wanted to do

was spend one normal night
at my house.

You know, one night
to have a sleepover,

eat a little popcorn,
play some board games.

Was that so much to ask?

I'll take that chirp as a yes.

But anyway,
I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

Sorry. How lame is that?
I mean, you're a grasshopper.

Sorry isn't enough.

You know, I know this won't
make it up to you,

but, Jenny, want a leaf?

Oh, excuse me.
I didn't know you were in here.

Do you mind if smoke?
It's only bubbles.

- Go ahead.
- Oh, I've been trying to quit,

but my job is so stressful.

Stress. Tell me about it.

I'm sorry about the rules.

I don't make them up.
I only read them.

And personally, I think stinks.
I mean, what is so bad about mortals?

Nothing. Especially Jenny.
She was the coolest.

So why not find a loophole?

- Loopholes?
- Yeah. Don't you know the rule?

- What rule?
- I'm off duty,

but rule number :
For every rule, there is a loophole.

There are more loopholes
than rules.

There's a chance
I can save Jenny?

Yeah, but not for another five minutes.
I've gotta finish my bubbles.

[THUNDER CRACKS]

It's not over yet. Listen up.

"Mortals without conscious
knowledge of the Realm

may pass in and out of it freely."
Loophole.

But Jenny already has
conscious knowledge.

- So we get rid of the conscious part.
- We knock her out?

No, we convince her
she's having a dream.

- Then she can leave.
- No, she can't.

Yes, she can. I have it in writing.

- Oh, toothpicks.
- Sorry.

Rules are rules,
but loopholes are loopholes.

Okay, give it a try.

Hey, Sabrina, you're here.

No, I'm not and neither are you.

You're having a dream.

It doesn't seem like it.

It seems like you're just making
swishy arm motions.

- Help me out here, would you?
- But you are dreaming, Jenny.

Oh, look at the size of this fruit.

And now, you have to have a test.

A test?

Well, what's it on? I haven't studied.

- Invertebrate zoology.
- Better get to work.

The cuttlefish and the nautilus.
Compare and contrast.

I don't even know what any of these
are. And my pen. Where's my pen?

- Time's up. You failed.
- But I just started.

You've been working for hours.
And now look,

your dead grandfather.
Come here. Quick.

Get on this. Run to him.

Grandpa. Grandpa.

I'm running as fast as I can.
But I'm not getting any closer.

That's because it's a dream.

Maybe it is a dream.

- But there's still something missing.
- What?

Jack Wagner.
He's in all my dreams.

- There he is.
- Jack. You made it.

- Well, where am I?
- In my dream.

This all seems so real.

Well, I'm a pretty visual person.

Like remember the time you
rescued me from the evil King Herbert

and we got married at Stonehenge?

No, not really.

But how could you forget? You
promised to love me forever and ever?

- Jenny, get a grip.
- Bye, Jack.

Don't go, Jack. Don't go.

- You could try running after him.
- Oh, that never gets me anywhere.

I don't like this dream anymore.
I wanna wake up.

If you wanna wake up,
you have to go to sleep.

- That makes no sense.
- Well, that's because it's a dream.

- Dream.
- Maybe I do need a nap.

You're very sleepy.

Very sleepy.

- It worked.
- Wake up!

Shh! "Rule number :
Let sleeping mortals lie."

Too bad, Drell.
Looks like I win this round.

RULE BEARER:
Ha!

You tiny little witches
are so annoying.

Tell you what. Next week,
you can go to Jenny's house.

- You know what I regret?
- What?

Not getting
Jack Wagner's autograph.

Okay, now gently put her on
the bed.

Yes, we did it.

- That was close.
- See? Everything turned out fine.

SALEM:
At last, Marvin Gardens is mine.

[SALEM LAUGHS]

IRWIN:
It's just luck.

You know, having a brain
doesn't help at all in this game.

Linty, did you eat my pie?

Yep, it's just another normal night
at the Spellman's.

- Morning.
- Morning.

- You sleep okay?
- Like a rock.

Except I had the freakiest dream
last night. And you were in it.

- Really?
- Uh-huh.

I went to another dimension
and a giant witch named Drell

turned me into a grasshopper.

- Sounds scary.
- Yeah,

but fortunately Jack Wagner
saved me.

Jack Wagner saved you?

You're sure I didn't save you?

I don't think so.

But it was fun.

I wish bizarre stuff like that
could happen all the time.

Yeah, but, then again, you might not
appreciate it as much as you'd think.

"Rule number : All witches
must eat their carrots.

Rule number :
Bats may not be kept as pets.

Rule number : Not using
double negatives will be disallowed.

Rule number : All children under
must be accompanied by monkeys.

Rule number : No switching
channels between programmes.

Rule number : All rules must have

a beginning, a middle
and an end, except--"

Is that it?
I don't get that one.