02x11 - Oh What a Tangled Spell She Weaves

[bunniefuu]

VILA [ON TV]: So you grab
a chain and whack away.

- After you.
- I feel weird.

I haven't even had an argument
with this cabinet.

Hold me back.

It's got a good beat
and I can dance to it.

- I give it a .
SABRINA: What are you doing?

It sounds like
you're smashing furniture.

Oh. You are smashing furniture.
Why?

It's our new hobby.
We're antiquing this cabinet.

Some people wait a hundred years.
We're just beating the tar out of it.

Personally, I find knitting relaxing.

It's a great way
to get out your frustration.

Take that,
stupid Nobel Prize committee.

May I?

Take that, people who won't
buy their dear niece a car.

Oh, sh**t, I missed what Bob did
with the linseed oil.

Well, let's ask him.

- Could you go over step four again?
- How did I get...?

Whoa, this needs a lot of work.

Say, Bob,
you ever wired a litter box for cable?

I gotta remember to crack a window
when I work with varnish.

I'm ready for my close-up.
Do I have food in my teeth?

[SALEM SNORING]

- Salem.
SALEM: What? What?

- It was like this when I found it.
- Val and I are going to the movies.

If I'm not dressed in five minutes,
I'm gonna miss my ride.

Why didn't you say so?
I don't mind moving.

Even if I knew what I wanted to wear,
I couldn't pick it out of this mess.

- It's full of kibble crumbs.
SALEM: Brush them in a pile.

I'll eat them later.

Better clean this up.

I forgot, I'm only allowed incantations
this week.

Thank you, quizmaster.

Uh...

Stuff is messy
This place is a zoo

Make things that need it
Brand-spanking new

Let's see if it worked. Excellent.

"Extra charge for cat-hair removal"?

I think this is the nicest thing
we ever beat up.

Except for that teamster.

Oh, no.
Our antique is brand-new again.

- That's odd.
- Meeting Valerie, Rialto Cinema.

- See you.
- Freeze.

- What? Oh, yeah. Back by .
- Cast any spells lately?

Yeah, I cast
a make-everything-new spell.

- Why?
- You made it too general. Look.

I guess now would be the wrong time
to say I think it looks better like that.

- Sorry. I was in a hurry.
- We witches have a saying:

Haste makes a gigantic mess.

Got it. Did I screw anything else up?

SALEM: I found the Fountain
of Youth. It's the toilet.

No problem.
I'll just fix it with an undo spell.

I made things new
And that was bad

So undo it all
So they won't be mad

SALEM:
Welcome back, trick knee.

Sabrina, you don't wanna rely
on undo spells.

It's not in the spirit of magic.

You really have to get it exactly right
the first time.

Otherwise,
there may be side effects.

I remember one time,
I was making rum balls and I got tired,

so I made
a make-everything-round spell.

Well, let's just say you can thank me
for Columbus Day.

I'll be careful.

I don't have time to think of a spell
to get rid of these wrinkles. Help.

We think that outfit
will serve as a helpful reminder.

I like her best.

- Hey.
- Hey, how can you stand it?

- The school is freezing.
- Oh, yeah.

Guess I'm too miserable
to be miserable.

My Uncle Lloyd's coming
to the football game on Friday.

Family members coming
to cheer you on.

- It sounds terrible.
- It is terrible.

I can just hear my dad now:
"Lloyd's three boys are first-string."

I never get to play.

Sure you do,
that time we were up by .

Just once I'd like to start
and shut Uncle Lloyd up.

And his two sons
who can form sentences.

Well, maybe this Friday
You'll start the game

And Uncle Lloyd
Will leave in shame

Why are you talking in rhyme?

Kinkle, you're starting on Friday.

- I am?
- You are?

Well, look at that.

I love this carpet.

Yeah, this old thing
is gonna go perfectly

with the new stuff we made look old.

Hey, Val, look.
The Slicery's under new management.

Wow, that's the first time this month.

And they're looking for people
to work after school.

- We should get jobs.
- You think?

Yeah, maybe we could
save enough money to buy a car.

Or maybe our parents
will get so sick of driving us to work

that they'll buy us cars.

- It's win-win.
- All right, I'm in.

But I gotta warn you,
I haven't had much luck with jobs.

When I was a camp counsellor,
they fired me after two days.

They didn't give you a chance.

- They didn't even get to know you.
- Yeah.

And they eventually
found those kids.

Hey.

[HARVEY SNEEZING]

Whoa,
didn't mean to make you explode.

I think this cold weather's
giving me the flu.

I told you to bundle up for math.

Coach finally gives me a chance
to start, and now this.

I can hear my dad now,
"Your nose runs faster than you do."

See you.

Poor Harvey. Feel better.
And you will.

No spells at school unless I gotta
And I do, so make it hotter

Well, that concludes your orientation
to the Slicery.

I'm Mrs. Popowski.

If you have any problems,
my office is always open.

It's between the fryer and the wall.

Mrs. Popowski,
there's a mistake on my nametag.

- My name is Sabrina, not Salinas.
- Live with it.

Yeah, and my name is Valerie,
not Fred.

When I said "problems,"
I meant things like:

"My hand is caught
in the meatball maker."

Okay, Val,
I'll do the dough and the sauce,

- and you do the toppings.
- Check.

[PHONE RINGING]

Slicery.

Okay, that's a large pizza,
extra anchovies.

Hold the crust. Hold the sauce.

Hold the cheese.
Salem, quit fooling around.

Crank call. Okay. Medium cheese.

- Medium cheese. Check.
- Crust.

Sauce.

Cheese.

Oven.

- Check.
- We're a well-oiled machine.

- Okay. Large pepperoni.
- Large pepperoni. Check.

Crust. Sauce.

Pepperoni.

Cheese. Oh, no.

That was supposed to be cheese,
pepperoni.

Okay, large, extra cheese,
half mushroom.

Crust. Sauce.

Things are gonna start hopping.
Weight Watchers meeting just let out.

I'll help.

Think that'll melt down?

- There. Perfect.
- I don't believe it.

You've taken a beautiful rug
and put it in the worst place ever.

Well, where would you put it?

- There. Perfect.
- Yes, I see.

That is perfect,
if we had our eyes gouged out.

[PHONE RINGING]

I need a medium,
half sausage, half pepperoni,

quarter mushroom, quarter anchovy,
extra cheese.

Val, could you get that? Valerie?

Val, we have to
get these pizzas finished now.

- Am I moving?
- No.

How about now?

- Somebody's gonna get fired.
- Oh, gosh.

This is faster than it happened
at camp.

I can't tell the future
That would make me omniscient

But something bad's gonna happen
Unless Val's more efficient

Okay, that's medium,
half sausage, half pepperoni,

quarter mushroom, quarter anchovy,
extra cheese.

Check.

Okay, the inert gases

are neon, argon, krypton, leon?

Leon?

Boy, public schools
have really gone downhill.

Hi, how you been? I've been fine.
Let's get this quiz over with.

The fine art of conversation lives.
It's an easy one.

- Just clean up your room.
- It is clean.

Fine.

Here's a quiz I know I'll ace

Put everything back
In its rightful place

Hey, that's my diary.

And I was just getting
to the awkward teenage years.

Well, that was so easy,
I almost feel guilty taking an A.

Well, then this
will make you feel a lot better.

- You failed.
- What?

You were only to clean your room,
and you "put things back"

where they belong.

That was a very sloppy spell.

With good results.
The room's clean and I busted Salem.

Listen to the man.
It was a sloppy spell.

Clean up your spells.

I still say it was a fine incantation.

Now, talk me
through this kissing game,

Seven Minutes in Heaven?

Wow, it's hot in here.

The boiler must be broken.

- What are you doing in my locker?
- Sweating.

Somebody left a heat spell running.

- Uh-oh. That'd be me.
- I told you to be more precise.

No problem. I'll fix it with an undo.
Let's see:

It's hot in here
It's making us perspire

Undo the spell
Or the straits will be dire.

Aah! What's going on?

I've taken away
your undoing privileges,

partly to teach you a valuable lesson,
partly fun for me.

How about this for fun?

Auditioning for Stomp.

So you can see by these projections,
Mrs. Quick,

we can easily put out two editions
of the paper each week

rather than one, and we can do it
for percent less money.

Good work, Val.

That's an excellent use
of your resources.

- Check.
- Not that we need two papers a week.

You see that? The efficiency spell
I put on Val is working out great.

Oh, it looks good now,

and that heat spell looked good too,
yesterday.

HARVEY:
Ow. Ow.

- Harvey, what's the matter?
- I just burned my hand on my locker.

Oh, great,
I have enough trouble catching

with two good hands.

Now, how do you expect me
to fix all this without an undo spell?

That's the part that's fun for me.

Think, Sabrina, think.

Okay, first let's take care
of the temperature.

It's hot in here
The sweat's a-pooling

So let's get down
To some serious cooling

Cool. Okay, now Harvey.

I got it.

The team doesn't need
A Harvey that's tame

So make him worthy
Of the hall of fame

See? All done and no undo.

Oh, yes, but there was a hot front,

which is now meeting a cold front,
resulting in an occluded front.

- Oh, no. That means--
- Yep. Showers.

Everyone outside,
where it's not raining.

I meant to do that.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

And that too.

Come on. Admit it.

That rug would look better
in my room.

Please, that rug is an object of taste
and refinement.

Your room is decorated

with stuff a clown
takes out of his pockets at night.

It's gone.

You've put it in your room,
haven't you?

I most certainly did not.

Well, it's gotta be around here
somewhere, then.

SALEM:
Psst, psst.

Tell you what happened to it
for a belly rub.

Hi. Gotta go to work.
Forgot my nametag.

The ulprit-cay
just walked into the oyer-fay.

- What?
- Sabrina did it

with an everything-in-its-place spell.

They threatened me.

- What did I do?
- Made our rug disappear.

Sabrina, normally
I don't advocate undo spells,

but I want that rug back.

I'd love to undo it, but:

- If you can undo this, I can undo that.
- We can't undo that.

There's no undoing a no-can-undo.

It's a triple negative.
It's magically ungrammatical.

Sorry. I gotta get to work.
We're introducing garlic sticks.

Now how are we gonna
get our rug back?

Excuse me.

There's someone
whose belly earned a rubbing.

Oh, I know.

Everyone inside is beginning to bug
Help them find their stupid lost rug

Close enough.

SALEM: Come on, you can't
vanish and rub at the same time?

- Where are we?
- I don't know.

But I bet I know who's to blame.

- Sabrina.
- Sabrina.

Oh, I'm sure she heard that.

- Salem, that's not helping.
- Hey, there's your rug.

HILDA: That is our rug.
- That was helping.

You know, this place reminds me
of Merlin's old weekend castle.

Oh, man.
You guys had a vicious breakup.

ZELDA:
That was awful.

By the time it was over,
the only thing I liked about him was--

--this rug.

This is Merlin's castle.
We better get out of here.

Yeah. For a guy who wears a dress,
he's a real misogynist.

Leaving? So soon?

- Hi, Merl.
- Zelda Spellman.

I haven't seen you in years.

So, what you been up to?

Oh, a little bit of this, a little bit of that.
And you?

Uh...

Waiting for revenge.

- Why don't you stay a while?
- How long a while?

Until you love me again.

How about if I love you?

Or me? I can be quite tender.

I feel like we've made
a hundred pizzas today.

Seventy-four.

Seventy-five.

- Check.
- Fred.

Sabrina, this is hard for me.
I'm your friend,

- but also your supervisor.
- When did you become supervisor?

- Just now.
- Way to go.

I've already celebrated.
Who arranged these pepperonis?

The pepperoni fairy.

Back when I was on the line,
I liked to remember the three P's:

precision, placement, promptness.

- You forgot "pannoying."
- You're on your ten-minute break.

Go.

- Spellman.
- Sorry, I must have dozed off.

And you extended your break
by seconds.

I'll make it up at the end of the day.
I'll run into the walk-in cooler.

That would be fine if you were still
part of the Slicery, but you're fired.

Look at that.
I gave myself two minutes

to dismiss you, and it only took one.

Check-a-roonie.

The garlic sticks bite.

- We need a plan.
- How about we weep uncontrollably?

[SALEM SOBBING]

If only we could get a message
to Sabrina,

she could reverse her spell.

But we can't,
so we have to work on Merlin.

Now, one thing I remember about him
is he doesn't like to be challenged.

That's right.

You once questioned a word he used
in Scrabble,

and he turned you into an oryx,
which, as I recall, was also the word.

Exactly.

Maybe if we're nice to Merlin,
he'll feel sorry for us and let us go.

- So let's not antagonise him.
- Good plan.

- Dead magician walking.
- How is everyone?

- Got everything you need?
SALEM: No, no, we're fine.

Now that I think about it,
I could use a little freedom.

So have you decided
to love me again?

I'd rather lick a dead seal.

Am I the only one
who remembers the plan?

- Excuse me--
- Oh, shut up, conehead.

It can't be done.

It's a shame you've decided now
to be so nasty,

just when I was about to feed you.

- You're not gonna feed us?
- That's right.

And they look mighty hungry,

so I'd sleep with one eye open, cat.

[SALEM SOBBING]

You're not gonna be able
to keep us here forever.

My niece, Sabrina's,
gonna find out we're missing,

and she's gonna come after us
with a lot of help.

And drunken bouncers.

Oh, I'm so scared.

Maybe I ought to send you back.

Wait a minute.
I think I got a better idea.

You're never gonna
believe what happened.

My friend--
I mean soon-to-be ex-friend, Val.

--fired me.
And I know what you're gonna say:

"Sloppy spells, more specific:"
So please don't.

I'm pooped. I'm going to bed.
Thanks for listening, guys.

Guess I won't be needing this
anymore.

Yes, that was a better idea.

You can always count on a teenager
to be self-absorbed.

Attica! Attica! Attica!

Please, I'm trying to concentrate
on a new escape plan.

Well, why don't you try
coming up with some decorating ideas

for this cell,
because we're never leaving?

I've got it, the perfect escape plan.
It's so simple.

I can't believe
I haven't thought of it before.

- What is it?
- You marry Merlin.

What do you think about
painting these bars Navajo White?

Come on, Sabrina.

No time for breakfast.
I'm late and I have to try to fix Val.

I can't believe I put a spell on her.
I'm such a dummy.

Sabrina's never gonna save us.
There's no hope. None.

And the worst part is,
we're not gonna die.

We're gonna live here forever
without hope.

No hope.

Uh-oh.

I bet I had something to do with this.

- Hot news coming through.
- Hey, Val, got a sec?

No, I have to get out the next edition
of the paper.

By typing continuously,
I can make it a daily.

You look like you haven't slept.

If I sleep,
I won't have time to learn opera.

- Can we talk?
- Friendship is inefficient use of time.

Excuse me. Pardon me.
Coming through, sorry.

Harvey?

I think I might have overdone it
with the pull-ups.

I can take care of this. Somehow.

- Blizzard!
- Oh, no. Think fast.

Block that snow from pouring out

And stick something in
That spewing spout

Help, quizmaster.

Are you sure you need help?
I mean, like you said,

there's nothing wrong
with inexact spells

as long as they get the job done.

I got it wrong, very wrong.
It was all wrong.

It was a correctness shutout.
By the way, did I say I was wrong?

Because she admitted
She'd been wrong and a lout

Every spell she incanted
Will be undone

Including several ones
She doesn't even know about

They just have to be exact,
not pretty.

[SALEM MUMBLING]

- You wanna shut him up?
- Let's do it together.

SALEM:
Who's going to share--?

Cool.

So all I had to do
was admit I was wrong?

And?

And that I have to be more careful
with my magic?

And?

And I can learn something
from my elders?

And?

And that the barn door
on your ski suit is open?

See you.

You'll never believe the day I had.

I've learned so much.
I'll never do an inexact spell again.

In fact, I'm gonna go upstairs and
clean my room the old-fashioned way.

We've gotta send something
to the quizmaster

for undoing Sabrina's spell
and saving us.

He strikes me
as a cheese-log person.

I am forever grateful.

I don't think I've ever been
in a more terrifying situation.

And yet,
I remembered to grab the rug.

SALEM:
And I learned a valuable lesson.

Whenever there's a crisis,
I can depend on you guys

to turn on me.

Come on. We're sorry.
How about that belly rub?

I'm so cheap.

Lovely.

So how'd it go at the Slicery
this weekend?

Terrible.

I fell apart
and overcooked some pizzas.

Once the fire department was gone
and Mrs. Popowski came to,

she asked me to leave.

- How'd you get fired?
- Well, it's a long story.

Hey, Harvey, you really bulked down
over the weekend.

- So how'd the game go?
- Great. I caught a pass.

And if it had been inbounds,
it would've been great.

Did anyone bring an umbrella?
I hear it's supposed to rain.

Not indoors. They fixed the roof.
Let's never talk about it again.

You skipped your breakfast again,
didn't you?

Yeah.

I'll catch up with you guys in a minute.
I'm gonna put my books away.

[SCREAMS]

Hey. Quizmaster,
what are you still doing in there?

QUIZMASTER: My apartment's being
painted. I needed a place to crash.

Well, just don't get cheese log
all over my books.