02x12 - Sabrina Claus

[bunniefuu]

HILDA:
I love this time of year.

Christmas carols, sleigh rides,
gigantic electric bills.

Sabrina, want to give us a hand?

In a sec. I'm revising
my Christmas wish list.

This year I'm hoping
for a computer, a mountain bike...

Oh, and this great ski jacket
I saw at the mall.

SALEM: You're not exactly
the Little Match Girl, are you?

Those sound
pretty expensive, Sabrina.

I know. That's why I prepared
a list of backup gift ideas

in a variety of price ranges.
Gotta go.

Oh, and you'll note on the bottom,

I've listed the times
I won't be around,

so you can wrap my presents.

Don't worry. I went through
that "give me" phase. It'll pass.

ZELDA:
You're right.

Hey. Give me that wise man.

Well, guess we're almost
finished decorating,

except for the tree.

You know, it's lovely.

But Christmas is a mortal holiday.

Shouldn't we do the tree
the mortal way?

- Okay. I'll conjure up a plastic one.
- Oh, no.

I meant, shouldn't we go
and buy a tree

and decorate it by hand?

All right.

- Where do they sell trees?
- The forest?

Too much rouge?

So I can't decide whether I sh**t

for A, the computer
and the mountain bike,

B, the computer
and the ski jacket,

or C, all of the above.

I'd hate to be there
if you got a savings bond.

Hey, you wanna go
to the mall with me

and do some important
Christmas present research?

Can't. Gotta work.

Got a job at Hilmann's
as a Santa Claus.

Is that just
for the holiday season?

It's an okay job. What bothers me
is when the little kids go home

thinking they're gonna get
everything they asked for.

A lot of them are
gonna be disappointed.

Aw. Poor kids.

So should I ask for a helmet
with the mountain bike,

or do you think
that's just implied?

The Army was defeated
at Brandywine...

SABRINA: Should I get
the mountain bike or the jacket?

Definitely the mountain bike.

George Washington relocated
to Valley Forge.

SABRINA: Mountain bike,
George Washington...

- Sabrina. Sabrina?
GLASS: Sabrina.

We're talking about
a very bloody w*r.

Why are you smiling?

Because I've been desensitized
by popular culture?

SALEM:
Oh, I see.

First you k*ll the tree,
and then you humiliate it.

Doing mortal things the mortal way
just feels right.

My thumbs are numb.

You know, I was thinking,
when we finish with the tree,

that we could roast
some chestnuts the mortal way.

Oh, good grief. What's next?
Driving to the store?

- Hey, what did you get?
- Let's see, meat glop,

fruit glop, vegetable glop
and glop glop.

- Yum. Save me a seat?
- Always.

Now, what sounds edible?

A baked potato.

[IN RUSSIAN]

Excellent.

Where did you get that?

Um, I ordered the kosher meal.

- Want a bite?
- No, thanks. It smells like vodka.

[ZELDA GROANS]

For the last time, when I push,
you pull. Got it?

- Could you be less technical?
ZELDA: Oh!

SALEM:
Keep trimming that tree,

and you'll be able to use it
in your car as an air freshener.

- Hi, Harvey.
- Hey, Libby.

- Got any plans for the holidays?
- Like it matters.

I hate Christmas.

What's your take on Kwanza?

Usually like all the presents,
but this year

I have to be around
my bratty stepbrother, Russell.

Really? Your family has
a brat in it?

He colours with my lipsticks,
drips chocolate on my stuff,

and he can cry on cue.

What's your problem, freak?

Hoping Santa will give you
a personality this year?

And a crossbow!

Push, push. Push! Push!

I knew those Lamaze classes
would pay off.

ZELDA: There.
- We have the makings

- of a beautiful fire hazard.
- What do you think?

That's what a mortal tree
looks like?

No wonder they drink
during the holidays.

I'm gonna conjure some
more asparagus. Want some?

No, thanks. You put
too much ketchup on yours.

Hey, somebody took a bite
out of it.

I did. You didn't conjure
your own asparagus, you took mine.

You think there's something wrong
with my magic?

Conjure something else,
we'll see.

I could use some protein.
How about a wharf rat?

How about a blouse?

There. I'm fine.
And I have good taste.

Zelda, how was the lecture?

For a six-part dissertation

on the reproductive cycle
of garden snails,

it was awfully dry.

And, boy, it is really
getting cold outside.

Here's a tip, try wearing clothes.

Hey! What happened to my
blouse? It was my favourite--

--Green silk one?

Sabrina, how many times
do I have to tell you to ask

before you borrow my clothes?

Especially when
I'm already wearing them.

Something's wrong with me,
Aunt Zelda.

I conjured asparagus, I got Aunt Hilda's.
I tried to conjure a blouse, I got yours.

Whatever you do,
don't conjure anything fur.

HILDA:
What do you think it is, Zeldy?

Well, from what I know,
the problem may be psychological.

Now, there's nothing
to be afraid of.

Dr. Bull is one of the most
highly regarded

witch psychiatrists around.

She's got two doctorates
from Other Realm universities

and one from Utah State.

And tell me again why I had to sign
that lobotomy release form?

And that about wraps it up.
Can I go now?

Conjures things
from others, narcissism.

Based on these symptoms,
one would conclude

that you're suffering
from egotitis.

Me? I'm not the one
with the wall full of diplomas.

att*cks when provoked.

It's a textbook case.

You're behaving like a little girl.

Am not!

What say we have a chat
with your inner child?

Hey, I recognise you.

You're always encouraging me
to run with scissors.

Tell me, inner child,

what do you like most
about Christmas?

All the presents.

Do you enjoy being with
other people at Christmas?

If they bring me presents.

Thank you. That will be all.

INNER CHILD:
Where's my presents?

Sorry. I didn't know my inner child
would be so childish.

Or sticky.
I see what's happening here.

You're trying to recapture

the excitement of Christmas
you felt as a child.

So you're acting like a child.
Or, medically speaking,

a spoiled brat.

So do I need a shot,
or can I get away with an inhaler?

It's not that easy.

The cure for this malady
must come from within.

You've got to rediscover
the magic of Christmas.

And when you do,
your egotitis will go away.

- That's it?
- Except for this.

Hundred and twenty
dollars, please.

ZELDA: Feeling a little more
in the spirit, dear?

I'm trying, but I just don't feel
very Christmassy.

Maybe some music would help.

Put on a Johnny Mathis
Christmas album.

Whatever. I'll try anything.

I swear my Christmas album
was here a minute ago.

Come on, John.
Get ahold of yourself.

[JOHNNY MATHIS SINGING
"O HOLY NIGHT"]

Oh, is he the dreamiest or what?

And his voice is good too.
Wait a second.

"Property of J. Mathis."

Sabrina, you didn't conjure up
a CD.

You just took one
from Johnny Mathis.

Oh, man, don't tell me my egotitis
still hasn't gone away.

Hey, maybe if I open
some presents, I'll feel better.

Oh, no, I shook that one
last night. It was good.

Sabrina, when you have egotitis,
you can't get any presents.

Receiving gifts
only makes it worse.

This better be gone
by my birthday.

What's the point of Christmas
without presents?

Ever notice that building
with the steeple and the bells?

So there's gotta be something
you guys can do.

Well, there is someone
who could help.

And we didn't call him
before because...?

He's a very big hoo-hah
in the Other Realm.

- Who is he?
- Bob.

So his parents didn't know he'd be
important when they named him.

Let's summon him
with the Bob song.

ZELDA [SINGS]:
Hm.

BOTH [SINGING]:
Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob

How do you remember
the lyrics?

- Hey. What's up?
- Oh, hello, Bob.

We have a problem.

Our niece Sabrina has
a case of egotitis.

Yeah, that's not
your only problem.

- It isn't?
- No, you've got

one sorry-looking
Christmas tree.

It looked better with presents.

Ohh. Trying to recapture
the spirit of Christmas, huh?

- Mm. Can you help?
- I'll give it a shot.

I know.

Say, why don't you and I take
a little trip to Christmas past?

No, it's been done.

Trust me, the trip to the graveyard
is quite depressing.

Why don't you and I
try to go and recapture

your childhood
Christmas memories?

And maybe have a look
at the new Chryslers.

You have met this guy
before, right?

Ow!

- Why'd you hit me?
- "Ow"?

WOMAN: Oh, Russell?
- What'd you do?

- What'd you hit him for?
- It's not my fault.

MAN:
What are you doing?

MAN:
Merry Christmas.

Cold, fun, snow,
Libby in trouble.

Bob, I'm beginning to feel
a lot like Christmas.

Well, see, I told you,
it was only a matter of-- Oh!

SABRINA:
Oh, no. Are you okay?

Oh, no. I slipped on some ice.

And I don't remember my ankle
being the size of a grapefruit.

Don't worry, I'll get you a cane.

- Oh, thanks.
MAN: My cane!

- What happened to my cane?
- Oh, just my luck.

Don't tell me I still have egotitis.

Let's see, I'm hurt,
grandpa's down,

you're still worried
about getting presents.

Oh, smart money
would be on "yes."

Voilà!

You know, I've got to admit it.
I'm really proud of us.

We did it all by ourselves,
just like a mortal family.

Do you want to zap it,
or should I?

I will.

Little gaudy, don't you think?

SABRINA:
Help! Hurt Bob in the kitchen!

You take it easy.
We'll get you an ice pack.

- Everything is going to be fine.
- Absolutely.

Do you realise
what you've done?

- What, Bob's gonna sue?
- No. He's Santa Claus.

- What?
HILDA: That's right.

You've just maimed
Father Christmas.

So I guess I'm not the only one
not getting presents this year.

So if you're Santa,
how come you're not chubby?

Oh, combination of
cardiovascular exercise

and a little weight-training.
Could be that tapeworm.

Anyway, I've got a lot
of deliveries to make. Ha-ha.

Ho, ho, ho-- Ohh! Oh!

You are not going anywhere.

Isn't there someone
that could fill in?

Like a temp service or a cousin?

Well, there's always Mrs. Claus,
but I can't call her.

She works for UPS. This time
of year, they're real crazy.

Well, Hilda and I can't help.

We have to stay
and take care of you.

There must be somebody.

Me? But Bob and I were this close
to curing my egotitis.

A few more hours,
I'll be back to normal.

Couldn't we just order everyone
something from a catalogue?

SABRINA:
Okay, I've got it.

Head due north
and look for reindeer.

But don't take the first
"Santa's Workshop" exit.

Take the second.

Okay. This is a girl
who has trouble

getting to school on time,
and she's supposed to

deliver millions of presents
by tomorrow morning?

Am I the only one
who sees a problem?

You know, Salem,
that's an excellent point.

SALEM: "That's an excellent point.
That's an excellent point."

That is the last time I point out
the flaw in someone's logic.

Mayday! Mayday!
Intruder on the premises!

- Who are you?
- Sabrina. Don't panic.

Santa's had a little accident.

No. It's okay.
I'm gonna fill in for him.

No, I promise it'll be fine.

Who are you?

We're Santa's elves.

Well, I thought
Santa's elves were small.

You're probably thinking of Fritz.

Whenever somebody
whips out a camera,

guess who always happens
to be next to Santa.

What are you building?

- A CD player.
- Seriously?

Man. You guys are good.

Yeah, perhaps you didn't know this,
but we're on a deadline!

- How about wrapping? All right.
- Gotcha.

How about
a palm-sized digital camera?

Not for me, but a friend
who's fallen on hard times.

We'll call him Salem.

- Ohh. Oh, boy.
- Is there anything else, Bob?

I don't want to be
an imposition, please.

Oh, Bob, you could
never be an imposition.

Well, if you insist.

How about a couple burgers,

chocolate malted
and some chips?

Hey, either of you gals up
for a game of Mouse Trap?

SALEM:
What's that gonna be?

A Ferrari, if someone would stop
breathing down my neck.

I will if I can have a pipe cleaner.

Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!

- Fritz is wound a little tight.
- The naughty/nice list is missing.

Okay. It's almost midnight,
the list is missing,

I keep running into Fritz
under the mistletoe.

Calm down. Okay, everyone
retrace your steps.

That would put me under
the mistletoe.

Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!

That guy's beginning
to get on my nerves.

I found the list! The reindeer ate it.
The reindeer ate it.

What are you gonna do?

- Me?
- You're in charge.

Do you know how many palms I had
to grease to get on that nice list?

And nobody made a copy?

Oh, there is a copy
of the list on that thing,

but none of us know
how to use it.

Oh, I bet I can.

You know, it only takes a minute
to learn how to use these things.

Santa won't let us touch it.

Not since somebody got
addicted to solitaire.

Hilda, wait!

I've got a few more things
for you to pick up.

Two gallons of ice cream,
four lemon meringue pies,

a box of frozen onion rings
and a case of Birch Beer.

Nobody makes a list like Santa.

Let's go! Let's go! It's almost
Christmas in Tokyo.

Okay, okay. here's your itinerary.

We had AAA make you
a TripTik.

- Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!
- I swear, one of these days...

He does overreact.

The reindeer are sick!
The reindeer are sick!

He may have a point.

It must have been
the list they ate.

What are we gonna do?

Think Zelda will let us borrow
the station waggon?

There's no time.
These children need presents.

Okay. We've all had
our little laugh.

Now, take the nose off.

Ready to rock?

Is there still
something on my head?

- Good luck!
- Godspeed.

They're never gonna make it.

You-know-who is ready
for his pedicure.

- Your turn.
BOB: Zelda!

I'd like the black-cherry
nail polish!

It is not my turn.
I clipped his ear hair.

I clipped his ear hair.
How fast does that stuff grow?

Well, that does it
for the Baltic States.

- Want another pierogi?
- No, thanks.

I've already had moussaka,
baklava and pad thai.

What was I thinking?

Buck up. I see
downtown Westbridge ahead.

Hey, there's Libby's house.

Great. I can yak in her stocking.

No, I got her the perfect present.
Merry Christmas, Libby.

- What?
- Here, Libby.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, Russell.
It's a little jewellery box.

I made it myself.

Hey. You wanna split the roof
of my gingerbread house?

So you gave her love
for her stepbrother?

It seemed like
the right thing to do.

I would have given her
the lump of coal,

but then I'm not the one
wearing the red hat.

ZELDA [SINGING]:
She'll be coming around the mountain

When she comes

She'll be coming
Around the mountain

She'll be coming around
The mountain

She'll be coming around
The mountain when she comes

- Yee-haw!
- Yee-haw!

Encore! Encore!

Oh, but wait now. How about
some more food first?

Perhaps a bit more coq au vin?

Bob, don't you think you should
maybe be watching the calories?

No. It's just water weight.

Band-Aids, cotton balls, aspirin?

What good is a first-aid kit
without a stomach pump?

- Look. Harvey's house.
- I can't look down.

What did you get him
for Christmas?

A little miracle.
Merry Christmas, Harvey.

HILDA:
I couldn't sleep at all last night.

Kept thinking about that line,

"He sees you
when you're sleeping."

- Merry Christmas.
SALEM: Must eat grass.

Merry Christmas. How was it?

You're looking at
a changed woman.

I don't even care if
I get any presents today.

[ZELDA GASPS]

Look. Your egotitis is gone.

I bet there's someone that could
use this more than me.

[IN ENGLISH]

BOB:
Well, congratulations, Sabrina.

You've discovered how to re-create
the childhood magic of Christmas,

by making Christmas magic
for others.

Hey, I could have used that suit.
It was freezing out there.

[BOB CHUCKLES]

Well, now that you're cured,
I can go home.

But your ankle, doesn't it hurt?

- No. I was faking the whole thing.
- You were?

- Yeah.
- To teach me a lesson, right?

Well, there's that. Plus I could
use a break from,

"Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!"

[SLEIGH BELLS JINGLING]

Well, here's my ride.

Listen, uh, next year,
how about I have

a little Monte Cristo sandwich
waiting for me by the chimney?

- Bob, there's something--
- Ah, I almost forgot.

- For us?
BOB: Well...

"Mozart: Live at
Emperor Joseph's Court"? Wow!

I recorded it myself.
Wolfy was really hot that night.

"An invitation to a meeting
of the minds at Stephen Hawking's."

Oh, my goodness.
I've dreamed about this.

That's why no one
ever stays mad at Santa.

SALEM: So the next time you're
abroad, remember my simple rule,

Kielbasa and sauerkraut, yes.

Kielbasa and menudo
and haggis, no.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

- Merry Christmas.
- Harvey.

I got you a present.

Oh, a mouse. In grey.
That goes with everything.

I was planning to get you
the whole computer,

but then they took all those
taxes out of my paycheque.

Well, it was a wonderful thought.
So was it fun playing Santa?

- Well, it's hard work.
- Don't I know it.

Oh, you'll never believe this.

I got a call from
the department store.

Apparently, all the kids
who came to see me

got exactly what they asked for.
It's like a miracle.

You're welcome.
I mean, oh, look!

Mistletoe.

- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

Oh, boy! The Button-Down
Mind of Bob Newhart.

How'd you know my other album
got all scratched?

This is for you, Zeldy.
I made it the mortal way.

Really?

No. What'd you get me?

Something you'll really like.

Johnny Mathis? Cool.
This is the best Christmas ever.

[SINGING]
O holy night

The stars are brightly shining

It is the night

Of our dear saviour's birth

Great. I didn't get
anything for Johnny.

MATHIS:
Long may the world...