02x15 - Finger Lickin' Flu

[bunniefuu]

MAN [ON TV]: Tonight,
I'll host an "Eye on Sorcery" special

on the upcoming
Witches Council Elections.

Richard Langston is my favourite
anchorman on the Witch Channel.

Oh, I know. He's so trustworthy.

But now, this just in

from the Department
of Health, Education and Magic:

And he's a free-range anchorman.

There have been confirmed reports
of a finger-flu epidemic.

The flu,
which affects your pointing finger,

can be contagious.

So be sure to bundle up
those fingers.

Did you guys look outside
this morning?

It's so sunny, it's almost like spring.

Yes. And you're wearing
a very nice spring outfit.

Ah. The only thing that's missing is:

Mittens?

The last time I wore mittens,
everybody teased me.

- It almost ruined kindergarten for me.
- Sabrina, there's a finger-flu alert.

And as a young witch,
you're highly susceptible to it.

Okay, I know you guys mean well,

but what's worse than
wearing mittens in school?

Okay.

Point made.

Sabrina the Greek, not "geek."

Can I borrow your history book?
I left mine at home.

Sure.

What's with the mittens? Eczema?

No. I promised my aunts
I'd wear them,

but there was no time frame
on that promise.

Why am I allowed to live?

I think there are laws.

I put my idea for a town meeting
on Mrs. Quick's desk.

Oh, no. The person you want to read it
will actually read it?

So you see what
an awful situation it is.

Valerie, you're the only person I know
that has to work up to low self-esteem.

I know.
The other day I saw this book called

How to Be Confident,
and I almost bought it.

But I was afraid the cashier
would make fun of me.

Oh, well, you know, actually,
I bought myself a copy. Here.

[SPELL ZINGS]

You can borrow it.

Oh, wow.
Thanks, Sabrina. Does it work?

Has the Oprah Book Club
been wrong yet?

- Valerie, I read your--
- I'm sorry.

No. I think your town-meeting idea
is wonderful.

Really? You're not just saying that?

No, believe me.
If I didn't like your proposal,

I'd be avoiding you right now.

I'm afraid of confrontation.

Hey. I asked for extra Tater Tots.

This is working already. Ha-ha.

Oh, that's right.
It's the lunch lady's last day.

I heard Mr. Kraft's
gonna make a speech

in Miss Tornnanis' honour.

Uh-oh. Whenever Mr. Kraft
makes an announcement

in the cafeteria, you open your mouth
and get us all in trouble.

- That is not true, is it, Harvey?
- Very true.

- Attention, everyone.
- Here he comes.

- Pretend you don't know me.
- Today, we honour a woman

who for the past years
has fed us our lunches

and given us our change.

Her dedication knows no bounds.

She even served us food
through her long bout with mono.

And so, for you, Ingrid Tornnanis,

our appreciation
and this golden hairnet.

[CLATTERING]

Oh, nothing to worry about.

Just a vat of sloppy joes spilled.
You wanna get that?

Okay, and I'll mail you this.

Let's hear it for Mrs. Tornnanis.

She shouldn't have to clean that up.

I mean, without a bucket.

Anyway, moving on...

I would now like to announce
her replacement.

[CHUCKLES]

- You.
- What?

Mm-hm. That's right.

All of you will be
replacing Mrs. Tornnanis.

What kind of crazy--?

Hey, Mr. Kraft is talking.

You will be divided up
into groups of three

and assigned lunch shifts.

And this means all of you.

You mean, I'm going to have
to be of service to others?

Ha-ha. Except for cheerleaders
and football players.

They've done more than their share
for the school already.

All right. I'm off the hook.

And, of course, this applies only
to the first-string football players.

That is so unfair.

Run. Save yourselves.

So, once again, little Miss Contrarian

has said her little piece, huh?

Well, I am happy to announce
that the first team of three

to pull cafeteria duty
will be Spellman, Kinkle

and their little friend.

Sorry.

- What's wrong with your hand?
- My finger feels weird.

Sorry about you being second string.

Sorry about you in general.

[FINGER SNEEZES]

And the three of you can start
by cleaning this up right now.

I didn't say anything.

Zellie, brush me.

Salem, I brushed you this morning.
I don't have time.

I think the neighbour
is stealing our paper.

- Hilda, I have a knot.
- Salem.

What makes you think that?

Well, his shirt is all bulgy,
and the paper's gone.

I'm gonna put an Indian burial ground
under his house.

No, you're not. That sort of thing
affects the neighbourhood.

- It's real uncomfortable.
- Salem, you do not have a knot.

[SNEEZES]

Oh, you're not coming down
with something, are you?

It's probably just allergies.

I'd check the pollen count
if I had the paper.

Now let me make you
some tea just in case.

Do you want a blanket?

SALEM: Hilda gets attention just
because she might be sick. Hey.

[SNEEZES]

Oh, no. Not you too, Salem.

[COUGHING]

SALEM:
Oh, yeah. Bring it on.

Slow down.

Oh, Mr. Kraft.

- Yes.
- I've been wondering,

do you think it's such a good idea

to have the students
work during lunch?

No. I don't think it's a good idea.

I think it's a brilliant idea.

And if Einstein had had
these kind of money-saving ideas,

he could have afforded a haircut.

Okay, I was just wondering.

Mrs. Quick.

Um, I had an extra copy of this book,
and I thought you might be interested.

"How to Be Confident"?

You know, from a literary standpoint.

Oh, don't worry. I'm not offended.

I just hope it's more effective than
Confidence for Dummies.

[SALEM GROANING]

I think I'm getting worse.

Either that, or you do a lousy
Jerry Lewis impersonation.

Pretty sure my liver's involved.

Maybe if you would
scratch behind my ears...

- Ah...
- Well, you don't feel hot.

But maybe I should take
your temperature.

Under the tongue. Under the tongue.

Open up.

All right.
I'll check it in a few minutes.

[HUMMING]

[CHUCKLING]

This ought to do it.

Uh-huh. So, what you're saying is
that this "Westbridge town meeting"

will actually encourage the students
to express their opinions?

- Exactly.
- Mm-hm.

Oh, why don't we just let the students
run the school?

That'll make for some high SATs.

- But--
- No name calling.

I said no town meeting.

- Miss Spellman.
- Hey, Mr. Kraft.

[FINGER SNEEZES]

And they say we don't have mice.
Ha!

Oh, poor Salem.

We didn't realise you were running
such a high temperature.

I don't wanna be a burden.

[COUGHING]

As long as you drop everything
and stay focused on me,

I should be fine.

- Sabrina.
- Sabrina.

I'm too weak to lie.
I didn't wear my mittens today.

I told you we should have
glued them on.

Remind me to scold you
when you're not such a pathetic figure.

[GROANS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[GROANS]

I'm just gonna zap myself into bed.

[FINGER BLOWING NOSE]

- Gross.
- Here's some chicken soup.

It's good for you.

No, dear. It's for your finger.

Did I mention:

[GROANING AND COUGHING]

- Sabrina.
- Yes?

- Where do you think you're going?
- School.

Let's see your finger.

- Oh, it looks fine.
- Come on.

Ugh. Not only have you got finger flu,
but you've obviously gone blind.

I've got to go to school.
I can't let Harvey and Valerie

do lunch duty without me.
The whole thing's my fault.

You're staying home today.
And that's that.

Salem's still sick. The two of you
can keep each other company.

- Where is he?
- Ha-ha-ha.

I don't care what the critics say.

"Doonesbury" makes
Alzheimer's funny.

[LAUGHING]

[COUGHING]

Oh, I feel awful. Oh...

All I've done all day is eat,
sleep and stare off into space.

What an awful existence.

Hey. I don't dump on your lifestyle.

I just can't enjoy myself
knowing that Harvey and Valerie

have to serve lunch
all by themselves.

ANNOUNCER: We interrupt our
regularly scheduled programme

for a special report.

Chaos at Westbridge High School.

And just let me assure the public

that we do have
the situation under control.

I'll be seeing to it
that the two lunch servers

who caused this fracas
will be expelled.

They are Harvey Kinkle
and Valerie Birkhead.

They will be expelled, impaled
on stakes and paraded through town.

ANNOUNCER: Sources say
this would have never happened

if they hadn't been shorthanded.

Oh, no. I gotta get to school.

Some people just don't know
how to enjoy being sick.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Where do you want me?

HARVEY:
Oh, Sabrina. I thought you were sick.

I couldn't let them
turn you guys into kebabs.

Okay, well,
she obviously still has a fever.

Oh, no.
We're out of tapioca pudding.

- I'd better go get some.
- Run. I'll cover you.

Short delay.

Mrs. Tornnanis had
a sixth-grade education,

- and she could do this job.
- Uh-oh. The Tater Tots are burning.

- Here.
- Thanks.

[FINGER SNEEZES]

- What just happened?
- A little chilli, please.

Hello?

I know scooping
is a difficult skill to master.

That's enough, Libby. Get out of line.

- Whoa!
- Aah!

[STUDENTS LAUGHING]

I am becoming more assertive.

Oh, no.
Mrs. Quick caught my magic.

Why is there a Seminole
in full headdress

in the neighbour's yard?

- Coincidence?
- Mm-hm.

Salem, you smell like chocolate.

Wha-- Uh... We didn't have
any cough drops,

so I substituted bonbons.

You know, I'm gonna take
your temperature again.

Yeah. Let's see how you're doing.

Under the tongue. Under the tongue.

No. I want a more accurate reading
this time.

Armpit? Don't I get a vote in this?

Get me the SPCA. Ow!

Man, Mrs. Quick
was really forceful in there.

Really? Do you think?

Frank. Don't slouch.

That's better.

Oh, my spine.

I gotta call home.

Oh... Where's the dial tone?

Boy, I tell you, if I had a dime

for every quarter
that phone took from me.

Salem's been faking it all along.

Let's bust him. Now.

Or we could have some fun first.

[HUMMING]

That cat's gonna wish he was sick.

[PHONE RINGS]

I'll get it.

- Hello?
SABRINA: Aunt Zelda?

Sabrina, I thought
you were upstairs taking a nap.

You can punish me later.
I sneaked off to school.

My finger sneezed on Mrs. Quick,

and she caught my magic.
What do I do?

First thing is hear me say
you're in trouble.

And the next thing
is get Mrs. Soon here quick.

I mean, get Mrs. Quick here soon.

How? I can't trust my finger.
It's all stuffed up.

Then do it the mortal way,
and drink fluids.

"Mortal way"?
Okay, I need a blindfold and a g*n.

[HUMMING]

Well, Salem, your temperature
is alarmingly high.

I'm really sick?

Yes,
and that can only mean one thing:

More attention and sympathy?

A nice cold bath.

What? I'm feeling better.

I am not an animal!

- Mrs. Quick?
- Yes, Sabrina?

- I--
- No running, Doug.

- I'm feeling sick.
- Poor dear.

I was wondering
if you could drive me home.

Excuse me, Mr. Kraft?
I'd like a word with you.

Fine. If you must.

[FINGER SNEEZES]
[SNEEZING]

Ow! Hot foot.

What's wrong with your finger?

I slammed it in a car door.
It'll be fine.

I'll be in the cafeteria.

Dear, you should see the nurse
about your stomach,

and perhaps some sort of surgeon
about your finger.

Oh, but--

Mr. Kraft.

You have no right to make
the students work during lunch.

Do you think I am doing this
just to make the students angry?

That's just a delightful bonus.

I am doing this
to appease the school board,

which is something
that we administrators do.

Oh... You...

You-- You're nothing
but the school board's trained chimp.

Oh, dear. I'm freaking out.

I thought I was being confident.

But it turns out I'm just insane.

Think, Sabrina. Think. Uh...

To hide from conflict and clashes

What we need
Are rose-coloured glasses

[FINGER BLOWS NOSE]

MRS. QUICK:
--just like the doctor told me to.

Well...

What am I going to do?
Mr. Kraft is a chimp.

And the world seems
altered somehow.

And I'm sure everything
will turn out just fine.

Now all I have to do

is get home a kidnapped teacher
and a chimp. Let's do it.

Come, Mr. Kraft.

Sabrina, your finger is dripping.

How fun.

Can we hurry?
There's one thing in my room

Mr. Kraft hasn't destroyed.

Never mind.

Okay. Dr. Brickman is expecting us.

Now, he's the foremost authority
on fractures.

But he's not half bad
at stuff like this.

And he can take a look at that finger,
but until then,

could you put it somewhere?

We're going to a doctor?

Oh, good. I'm due for a checkup.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

MRS. QUICK:
Whee!

I'm beginning to think
I should have worn mittens.

Sabrina Spellman,
the doctor will see you now.

I'm finished with this
if you'd like to eat it.

Now, there's something
you should know about Dr. Brickman.

Hello. I'm Dr. Brickman.

Let me guess, he has cold hands?

Don't worry.
He performed his first operation at .

I even supervised my own birth.
I'm a complete professional.

Patient's finger presents
as distended and yucky.

Oh, sh**t. My insurance
only covers "ooky," but not "yucky."

I'm gonna have to drain this.

This child is not coming anywhere
near me with anything sharp.

Ooh, my eyes are a little tired.

Must be all the lovely excitement.

Mr. Kraft is a chimp.
Mr. Kraft is a chimp.

Just like Curious George.

Wow. That does feel better.

I invented this device.

Yes. And he named it
the wicked cool drainy thing.

Now, I'm ready for the others.

Hmm. Fascinating.
Mrs. Quick, I'm gonna ask you

to point at Mr. Kraft and cough.

Fine by me.

Wait. Shouldn't we get Mr. Kraft
some rose-coloured glasses

for when he's transformed?

I think we should use
something more medically sound.

A lollipop?
Okay, it's second-opinion time.

No, it's a magical lollipop.

Anyone who sucks on it
will instantly become a sucker

who will believe
anything we tell them.

It's a highly regarded
scientific procedure.

And it comes in an assortment
of fruit flavours.

Mrs. Quick, please proceed.

What's going on here? Sabrin--

You're here because you're
rescuing all these people

on a secret mission for the FBI.

No kidding.

Hey, this is fun.

President Clinton went on TV
and said you're a big, fat stupid head.

- And that's why I'm a Republican.
- Okay. That's enough.

What do we do next, doctor?

First of all, get back to where
the spell originally took place.

Then put these in their ears
and turn it counterclockwise.

It'll erase their memory of the spell.

And what will erase my memory
of having to do that?

Mrs. Quick, I'm gonna stick
this swab in your ear, if you don't mind.

Oh, I'm sure nothing
but good will come of it.

Mr. Kraft, I'm gonna have
to stick one in your ear too.

- Why?
- Because when I do,

it will take years off your life

and make you a famous
song-and-dance man.

Oh, really? Oh, well, then swab away.

Sabrina. What's going on here?

Gross, gross, gross.

"The school board's trained chimp"?

Do you realise what you are saying
and who you are saying it too?

Well, I--

- Oh, she's lost all her confidence.
- I mean, yes, I do.

You're their little monkey.
You just do what they want you to do,

even though deep down
you think it's wrong.

You know, I used to respect you.

Well...

Hey, you really know how to hit
a guy's sore spot, don't you?

You'll never teach the students values
by exploiting them.

Okay. So we agree to disagree.

And maybe I will hire
a new lunch lady.

- Yes.
- But the students

will have to keep working
their shifts until I do.

You got it?

Oh... Grr...

And that includes football players
and cheerleaders.

Not in this universe.

Football players and cheerleaders.

Okay.

Jeez,
how do you really feel about it?

- Hey.
- Hey.

So I'm a little concerned
about my newfound confidence.

It seems to be limited
to getting me more Tater Tots.

Yeah, but I really appreciate it.

Valerie, I learned
that if you think you are confident,

you are confident.

And I learned that childhood traumas
don't go away by reading a book.

Hey, hey, mister!

Oh, no. I've created a monster.

You could fall and really
hurt yourself, dear.

Come on, let's go
get you some cocoa.

I want to be just like her.

All except
for the low teacher's salary part.

Here comes the floor show.

It's time to wake up
from my nightmare. Ow.

Time to wake up from my nightmare.
Ow.

Time to wake up from my nightmare.

[COUGHING]

Oh, yep.

These glands are definitely swollen.

- Doesn't that usually require surgery?
- Mm-hm.

Sur-- I'm faking it.

I faked the whole thing.

- What?
- How could you?

I just wanted a little attention.
Is that so wrong?

Yes.

Salem, I hope
you've learned your lesson.

It's wrong for a cat to cry wolf.

- I'll never do it again!
- Okay.

And I still have that knot, you know.