02x16 - Sabrina and the Beanstalk

[bunniefuu]

[SALEM SLURPING
AND GARGLING NOISILY]

Salem, you're drinking like a dog.

[PANTING]
I just started

a new exercise programme,

and I need to replenish my fluids.

Then, I'm gonna get
to the exercise part.

If that's a new fashion statement,
I'd rethink it.

Mark the date.

I've just invented
the first portable x-ray helmet.

Take a look.

Uhn.
Can it detect internal bleeding?

It's a work in progress.

Hey, who ate all the Wheat-ios?

Did you know Addis Ababa
is the capital of Ethiopia?

Not that I'm trying
to change the subject.

Let's try a cat scan.

[DEVICE HUMMING, BEEPING]

SABRINA:
Salem, you even ate the prize.

Did someone order a Scotch?
Ha-ha-ha.

- What are you doing?
- Scanning the mailman.

[DEVICE HUMMING, BEEPING]

I wouldn't have picked him
for a boxer man.

Check to see if he's got
my Muscle & Fitness magazine.

I wanna read the interview
with Joe Piscopo.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

That's Harvey. Quick witch check.

I'll take this.

You take that.

No problem, honey.

Is there anything that I can get rid of?

- You?
- Gotcha.

- Hey, Harvey.
- Hey.

I brought our Social Studies project.

- Great, did you get much done?
- Yeah.

I bought the poster board.

Okay, well,
we have all day to work on it.

So, what would be
a good transportation system

- for the town of Westbridge?
- Hmm.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

- So did you finish your project?
- No.

- Did you start your project?
- No.

Sabrina, you've really gotta
stop procrastinating.

We weren't procrastinating.

Harvey and I just got busy
doing other more fun things.

We rotated every mattress
in the house.

Sabrina, procrastination
only makes things worse.

Ask Hilda about the time--

Well, ask Hilda about any time.

I'll think of a comeback
for her tomorrow.

- I just wish I could get motivated.
- Three words:

magical jumping beans.

One word: Huh?

No, come on.
They really make you hop to.

Beans, beans, the magical fruit.

Oh, grow up.

This sounds easy.

"Potassium benzoate, a shot of B ,

and fruit extract."

And we just happen to be out
of potassium benzoate,

- a shot of B , and fruit extract.
- You'll have to go to the Piggly Wiggly

in the Other Realm.
They have everything.

[PHONE RINGING]

I can't stand that place.
Pigs aren't very good

at making change.

Who are they kidding with that
sneezeguard over the slop bar?

Well, I'm on my way.

ZELDA:
Sabrina, Valerie's on the phone!

Just as soon as I talk to Valerie.

Val, I don't believe
in shampoo-conditioners in one.

What you gain in time
you lose in body.

Look at that. Zelda got invited
to Amy Kahn's wedding and I didn't.

I forgot to put in an alarm system.

[CAR ALARM WAILING]

No, there's not a car in my kitchen.

If Libby says that to you again,
you look her in the eye,

and you say-- My beans!

No, I mean, I gotta go to the store.
I'll call you later.

The store's closed by now.

- What? Why didn't you tell me?
- Don't blame me.

I wasn't the one procrastinating
by talking on the phone.

Eavesdropping was at the top
of my to-do list.

I've gotta work on my project.
I need those magical jumping beans.

I'll just substitute the ingredients.

Perfect. I knew corn would work
as well as phosphoric acid.

[CHUCKLES]

"Hold beans in hand,
shake vigorously,

and you'll feel instantly energetic."

Come on.

Ugh. These beans are lame.

Oh, and they melt in your hands.

I should take this out to the kerb.

No, I'll do it tomorrow.

- Going to bed, Salem?
- In a minute.

I'm having a staring contest
with the cat across the street.

Ha-ha! I won!

In your face, Fluffy! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

[RUMBLING]

Earthquake!

- But we're in Massachusetts.
- Well, then, what is it?

- Is that a beanstalk?
SALEM: Beanstalk!

Oh, no!

Now where are we gonna
plant our bulbs?

Did someone throw out
some magic beans?

I threw out some
magical jumping beans.

But it doesn't say anything
about beanstalks.

Did you follow the recipe carefully?

Sure. With a few substitutions.

Well, what were they?
Maybe we could just reverse the spell.

Well, extract of something,

some other gobbledegook.
And tapioca.

- I was gonna write it down, but--
- See, Sabrina?

Procrastination
only makes things worse.

Then you and I have to listen
to Zelda. She cannot resist--

Can we please focus on hiding
the -foot beanstalk?

Fog?

[FOG HORN BLARING]

I bet you guys did stuff like this all
the time when you were my age, huh?

No, never.

Next, we have to figure out
what to do about the giant.

Right. That's what I-- Giant?

There's actually a giant
at the top of the beanstalk?

- Or worse.
- Beanstalks always lead

- to a bad neighbourhood.
- Here's a thought. We don't go up.

It's not what doesn't go up there.
It's what might come down.

Exactly. So we need someone to go up
the beanstalk and stand guard.

- I vote Salem.
- I'm scared of heights.

You're a cat.

SALEM:
Mean.

Does the Other Realm have tree
trimmers or something that might help?

Tree trimmers. Isn't she cute?

If only it were that simple.

This is a magical beanstalk, Sabrina.

It's going to take a lot more
than tree trimmers.

Hey, what about that
plutonium-based root k*ller?

Oh, it didn't make a dent
in the dandelions.

SALEM:
Hello. This is your guard.

Harvey's at the front door,
and send me a sandwich.

Oh, no. Harvey's here
to work on our project.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hey. Have you guys seen
all the fog?

- It's cool.
- Thank you.

Wow, is this one of those
virtual-reality games?

Sure. That's a good explanation.

- Can I try it?
- No.

Because we need to go
get something to eat before we work.

I had three chilidogs for breakfast,
but sure.

Can we please not leave
that thing lying around?

You're worried about a helmet,
and Harvey's about to walk

- into a kitchen with a beanstalk?
- Good point.

- Oh, boy, jellybeans.
- Harvey, don't look at the--

No, don't eat those!

[WIND WHISTLING]

I really meant to put these away.

Harvey! Salem!

- Salem, did you see Harvey?
- No!

I was too busy
looking for that sandwich.

Oh, where is he? Harvey!

Harvey!

Sabrina?

Sabrina.

- Aunt Hilda, Aunt Zelda!
- Honey, what's wrong?

Harvey thought the beans
were jellybeans.

He ate them and flew
out the door and up the beanstalk.

He's gonna suspect something.

Okay, first things first.
Let's see if we can see him.

Since when do we have
a periscope in the kitchen?

You've lived here two years,
you never noticed it? Teenagers.

Let me look.

[PINGING SOUND]

- Oh, good. It's not a giant.
- Let me look.

- Oh! It's worse. It's the Wicked Witch.
- Oh!

Wicked? But she's so pretty.

Oh, she's had a lot of work done.

And worst of all,
she feasts on mortals.

- That's horrible.
- Hence the "wicked" part

- of Wicked Witch.
- I've gotta get up and save Harvey.

Sabrina, wait.
You're not used to the high altitude.

It could knock out your powers.
You'll be no match for her.

But it's almost noon.
What if she wants a Harvey melt?

Don't worry, we'll have time.
She always fattens them up first.

Sabrina, here's the new plan.
You wait here

and keep an eye on Harvey
through the periscope.

- Hilda and I will go to the YMCA.
- This is no time to go to the gym.

No, it stands for
Yikes! Magic Crisis Agency.

They specialise in
these sorts of problems.

We'll be back in a flash.

I'm sure the line will move quickly.

Excuse me, ma'am.
How long have you been waiting?

My oldest boy, Tom, is .

That's nice, but how long
have you been here?

He was born in this line.

What's taking them so long?

Nice to meet you, Harvey.

I'm the Wick-- Woman of the house.

[CHUCKLES]

Do you know where you are?

Well, last thing I remember,
I was eating some jellybeans,

and then suddenly
I was swept up into the air.

Oh, I must've died.

But I had so much to give,
so much to do.

I was supposed to mow the lawn.

It's okay, Harvey. It's okay.

- Are we in heaven?
- Let's just call it

a weigh station to heaven.

On the scale, on the scale.

You see, Harvey,

the big guy upstairs
doesn't trust skinny people.

Or the French. I don't know why.
Hmm.

[GASPS]

"Alarmingly svelte"?

Oh, this will never do.

Here, eat this stick of butter
while I think of something.

[GASPS]

That's it. I can't wait any longer.

Peach pie, my favourite.

How did I know?

And now for a little sprinkle
of my secret ingredient.

Save room for dessert.

As the official watchcat,
I order you to get down.

I'm going up,
and don't try to stop me, cat.

You leave me with no choice than
to go with you and protect you.

- You're afraid of heights.
- Right.

Then you leave me no choice
than to wish you well.

SALEM [THINKING]:
Pull it together.

Be a man, Saberhagen.

Climb, climb.

I hope we don't get caught up
in all that red tape.

[GRUNTS]

I made it. Good thing that pilot
knew how to swerve.

Harvey.

Anyone with a friend
or a family member

up to their neck in quicksand,
come to the head of the line.

[CROWD GRUMBLING]

Hey! We've been waiting for hours.
We have a boy in a beanstalk

about to be eaten
by the Wicked Witch.

I'll get to that.

[SIGHS]

Wait. I need a plan.

Got it.

Nothing wrong with my magic.

Yes?

Hello, I'm with the Confectionery
Construction Company.

We specialise in gingerbread siding.

I don't know.

The sugary smell
really attracts the kids.

Mmm.

I do love children,

especially with a béarnaise sauce.

Come in.

Allow me to demonstrate.

- Ooh.
- See how nicely

it blends in with your decor?

Which, by the way, is lovely.

Oh, thank you.
It was designed by I.M. Pie.

Why don't you take a look
at the sample book

- while I take a few measurements.
- Hmm.

Is this one of those deals
where you give me a great price

on the gingerbread
and then k*ll me on the frosting?

Our price includes all extras

- and you could win a trip to Hawaii.
- Ooh.

- Harvey?
- Sabrina.

Oh, no, you ate a bad bean
and died too?

- What are the odds of that?
- Harvey, you're not dead,

but you will be
if we don't get you out.

But I haven't touched
the stuffed pork chops.

Harvey, listen,
that woman out there is wicked.

You wouldn't say that
if you had her pralines.

- She's an awesome cook.
- She's gonna cook you.

- See?
- "Monday, Hansel.

Tuesday, Gretel.
Wednesday, Harv--"

"Harvey"? Let's get out of here.

Does this sweater make me look fat?

Oh, I see you two have met.

He is so cute, I could just
eat him up with a spoon. Heh.

Now, I wanted to ask you the price
of the candy-cane rain gutters.

[MAGIC DINGS]

I just put some on the house. Why
don't you look before you decide?

She is so efficient.

I'm going to put in a good word
to your supervisor.

[CHUCKLES]

Don't forget the éclairs.

- Go, go, go!
- Oh, my thighs are rubbing.

I know this isn't the time to ask,

but what the heck is happening?

Fee, fi, fo, fum, I smell...

...a half mortal.

So have you decided
on those gutters?

Make yourselves at home.
We dress for dinner here.

In your case
that means oyster dressing. Heh.

[THINKING]
Don't look down.

One branch at a time.

Oh, a blue jay.

Eat up, kids.
I can only see one chin.

Oh, I forgot.
I have ladyfingers in the oven.

Keep an eye on the door.
I'm gonna try to pick the lock.

Got it.

Oh! It must be the high altitude.

My powers are knocked out.

Why are my aunts always right?

Harvey!

Quick, we've gotta eat
through this gingerbread wall.

- I'm kind of full.
- Just eat!

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Why, you pesky little entrées.

If you keep trying to escape,
I'll just have to...

...move up my dinner party.

[LIQUID BOILING]

Lift up your arm, please.

Meat thermometer.

You know, in her defence,
the peach pie was good.

We're finally getting somewhere.

Uh-oh.

You're in the line for
family members encased in stone.

You've got a beanstalk problem.
That's Window C.

No. Window C told us to come here.

Well, then you need Window E.
That's the window for people

Window C incorrectly told
to go to Window B. Next, please!

Where is the window for people
who pull people through windows?

Oh, no! I'm out of mushrooms.

You can't make a decent gravy
without mushrooms.

Harvey and I'd be happy to go to
the store and pick some up for you.

Nice try. Store's closed.

I'll just have to serve you dry.

Or you could put it off until tomorrow.

By then we'll be nice and tender.

- Undercooked Kinkle can be gristly.
- Yeah, and think about it.

What we'll taste like when we're
smothered in a nice mushroom gravy.

Hmm. And there's a wonderful tart
that goes great with teenager.

The recipe's in that magazine.

Sounds delicious.
Save a piece of my leg for me.

I have been wanting to catch up
on my cooking journals.

What the hey. I'll eat you tomorrow.

Soon as I say so,
we make a break for it.

Silly me, I almost forgot
to keep you from getting away.

[LIQUID SPLASHING]

Not yet.

I gotta stop melting cheese
and drinking it as a beverage.

I'm beginning to worry.

- We're starting to smell good.
- Shh!

[MOANS]

Harvey, move over.
I need a clear shot at the door.

[DOOR SLAMS]

Soufflé.

Didn't your mom ever teach you
not to slam doors?

Sorry.

I don't like fast food!

SABRINA:
Serpentine, Harvey!

Oh, for heaven's sakes.

I know what to do.

[GRUNTING]

[YELLS]

It didn't work. She's not melting!

Get real, Harvey. This isn't fantasy.

Now let's get off this cloud
and down that beanstalk.

[CACKLES]

Now I've got you.

Nuh-uh.

Oh! Whoa!

Finally. I made it all the way up.

Go down, go down!

You gotta be kidding.

- You two are dead meat!
- Back off, lady.

It's the ' s.
Nobody eats mortals anymore.

And I'll have kitty for dessert.

Would you look at the time?
Huh-huh. Huh-huh-huh!

I hope you land on your feet!

Ooh! I'm alive!

Now where's that sandwich?

Uh-huh. So you've got a Code :

mortal on a beanstalk
with Wicked Witch.

Yes. Are we in the right line?

- Yes, indeed.
- Oh!

[LAUGHS]

You just need to get hold
of a -K.

- What's that?
- Tree trimmer.

[GROANS]

Look, Sabrina.

I'm sweating off all my weight.

That's great, Harvey.

Hey, look, there's Westbridge!

You know, we could really use
a monorail down Main Street.

Yeah, we should remember that
for our report!

Hey, my power's back on.

WICKED WITCH: Get back here,
you little Lean Cuisines!

Why didn't I eat you
when I had the chance?

Because you procrastinated.
Take that!

No.

No!

She's turned me into...

...a vegetarian!

- We made it.
- Yeah.

- Coming through.
- We've gotta save Harvey.

[IN UNISON]
Harvey?

Sabrina, did you
go up that beanstalk?

At least I didn't procrastinate.

Hey, you brought a tree trimmer?

He prefers to be called an arbourist.

Okay, let's get rid of this puppy.

Okay, everyone, stand clear.

Timber!

- Cool.
- Yeah, cool.

What's he gonna think
when he comes to?

It's showtime.

Oh, no, the witch is gaining on us!

Harvey, you're really enjoying
that virtual-reality game.

It was a game?

I knew that.

Didn't look that real.

Maybe we should work
on our project.

Actually, I'd like to give this
another try.

No, no more procrastinating.

Procrastinating is bad.
It only leads to terrible things.

- I will never procrastinate again.
- Good for you.

Wanna bake brownies
and eat the dough?

That could be fun.

Another lesson well-learned.

What's that?

Has anyone seen Salem?
He hasn't come home for dinner.

Well, that's not like him.

Salem!
Here, kitty, kitty!

Oh, yeah, he hates that.

[SALEM MOANING]

SALEM [SOBS]:
I can't move.

Oh, no, is he hurt?

"Fatten Up"?
This must've fallen off the beanstalk.

Oh! Salem, you didn't.

I did.

Well, don't just stand there.
Somebody get me a diet soda.

[SOBBING]