02x22 - Quiz Show

[bunniefuu]

You think maybe she's dead?

- Forget it. This is totally impossible.
- You've got to be patient.

Turning yourself into fire,
water and wind

is one of the hardest things
a witch has to learn.

For me, it was learning
when to say no to pie.

Listen, stop thinking
about how bad it feels to get it wrong,

and start thinking about how good
it's gonna feel when you get it right.

Okay, I'll try again,
but this time if my legs go numb,

I want help getting off the bed
not just pointing and jeering.

Concentrate.
You are no longer a physical being.

You are a fluid entity.

You are water.

Hey, I did it.

Yes, you did.

And it only took you four weeks.

Am I the only one thinking we should
have purchased some rubber sheets?

It's me in a nutshell.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, no. I knew this day would come.

Zelda, there's no music.

Westbridge High just hired me

to be their new
substitute chemistry teacher.

But teaching's so frustrating for you.

Didn't you once storm out in the middle
of a class and never come back?

Yes, but that was only because
they kept asking questions.

And anyway,
that was a long time ago.

Gosh,
I wonder what happened to them.

Do you think Professor Spellman
forgot about us?

Let's give it
another five minutes.

SABRINA: Good morning.
- Good morning, Sabrina.

Guess who's going to be
your new substitute teacher. Me.

Great. You know,
fitting in is hard enough

without someone
calling me sweet pea.

I thought I was the only one
you called sweet pea.

Look, it'll only be
for a couple of weeks.

Mr. Melena might get out of ICU
today.

Do you think sea-monkeys
make good pets?

If you like low maintenance.

How long would it take to hop
across the world on your tongue?

Oh, I don't know,
about six or seven--

Oh, yeah. This is a much
better use of your time

than studying
for your elements test.

For you.

An invitation? To what?

MAN'S VOICE: You are cordially
invited to enjoy high tea

at the rd annual
quizmaster-pupil social.

Parking free with validation.

Cool. Sounds like fun.

It's got to be better than last year.

The highlight was a piñata.
I'll pick you up this afternoon.

Today? I can't go today.
I have a million things to do.

Sorry. Attendance is mandatory.

You know, every once in a while
you could try bringing good news.

A new Pollo Loco
just opened up by my apartment.

I meant good news for me.

ZELDA:
Hi, Sabrina.

Funny how you know my name
and we are in no way related.

Hey, Sabrina, your aunt's here.

You just had to tell everyone,
didn't you?

Well, are you nervous?

Oh, no,
I'm feeling very confident.

My lesson is prepared.
It's clear, concise.

These students are gonna learn
like they've never learned before.

Thereby creating the redox reaction.

So let's solve that problem.

So when you add the copper
to the nitric acid, what will happen?

Then Mr. Copper Man
marries Mrs. Acid.

And they go on their noxious gas
honeymoon.

You have a question?

The bell rang ten minutes ago.
Can we go now?

I can't believe you don't know how
to turn yourself into fire and wind yet.

The test is in three days.
If you don't pass

you won't get your witch's licence.

You've mentioned that to me,
oh, , times.

- I can turn myself into water.
- Anybody can do that.

You see that waiter there?

Those aren't cocktails,
that's a tray full of students.

Ohhh. I don't wanna know
what the crab cakes were.

Good the head quizmaster doesn't
know you don't know your elements.

- I'd be dead meat.
- It's all about you.

You know what your problem is?
Other students focus on getting it right.

You focus on how
you don't wanna get it wrong.

Wow, how does it feel to be the most
brilliant person in the universe?

You'd think it'd pay more.

Is there an exit in here?

Well, each of those chairs
has a swirling vortex.

I gotta get away from my quizmaster

or as I like to call him,
"If-Evil-Had-a-Face."

Is that an Indian name?

Having trouble
on your elements test?

Yeah. I can't concentrate. I mean,
my quizmaster keeps lecturing me.

Really? They're supposed
to make it fun, not hard.

- Which one is he?
- The one dressed like a rodeo clown

that keeps shoving tea cakes
in his mouth.

So you can see why I wanna leave.

You're supposed to stay
for the whole thing.

Besides, I hear there's a door prize.

Yeah, I saw it. It's actually a door.

Well, some people think
that expansion

has diluted the quizmaster
talent pool.

Or maybe there's just a certain type
of person drawn to the job.

Sabrina, there was a student
who turned herself into fire

while drinking the glass of water.
That was incredible.

Darn, it's amazing
the things you miss

when you're desperately
trying to avoid you.

WOMAN:
Hi, everyone.

I just wanted to thank you all
for coming,

and tell you that I'm so pleased
to see such a great turnout today.

- Who's that?
- That's the head quizmaster.

I think her official title
is "the person who can fire your butt."

But she's so young.

Yeah, she looks pretty good for .

You okay, Sabrina?
You're whiter than usual.

Oh, no. I'm just sick, very, very sick.

In fact, we should go before I do or say
something that makes me sicker.

Hello again.

You two know each other?

- Yes, we've--
- We've never met.

You must be thinking of my evil twin,
but usually she's a brunette. Heh.

Quizmaster ,

are you aware that Sabrina
is very unhappy with your teaching?

Well, she's in high school.
She's unhappy with everything.

- What's going on?
- I don't know.

Sounds like someone ate the tapioca
pudding way past the expiration date.

Effective immediately, you are
terminated as Sabrina's quizmaster.

- What? Bu--
- That will be all.

Why doesn't anybody age
in this realm?

ZELDA:
Thank you for listening, Salem.

I get frustrated trying to get these
students to understand this chemistry.

It just really helps
to talk about it out loud.

No problem-o.

[SNICKERING]

- Hi, honey. How was your tea?
- Pretty average, you know.

There was music, little sandwiches,
tea, of course.

Oh, and I got my quizmaster fired.

- What kind of sandwiches?
- What happened?

Oh, nothing. I inadvertently
said terrible things about him

to a complete stranger
who turned out to be his boss. Ha.

It's really kind of funny
when you think about it.

[LAUGHS]

I don't get it.

Was the quizmaster angry?

I wish. He was hurt.

Aunt Zelda, what am I gonna do?
I have to fix this.

Well, the Witches' Council
has jurisdiction over the quizmasters.

So you're gonna have to talk
to them.

Good. Maybe I can explain things
and get my quizmaster back.

[LAUGHS]

Oh. That's not a joke either.

And so I'm really sorry
the whole thing ever happened.

It's totally my fault.
I'm completely to blame.

And there might have been
something weird in the punch.

You've stated your case eloquently.

- No.
- Why?

Miss Spellman, you explained
how you got your quizmaster fired,

but you never explained
why you need him back.

Oh.

Well, did I mention the punch?

Quizmaster ,

as of this moment,
you are assigned a new student.

Meet Ralph.

Sir, it is an honour to meet you.

I've been following your career
for years,

and it is a privilege to work with you.

Ralph, I'm gonna enjoy
working with you too.

You can't be serious.

You're not seriously gonna teach him,
are you? I mean, look at him.

- He's obviously a troublemaker.
- You heard the judge.

But we can fight it. I mean,
I said I was sorry. Don't do this.

Why don't you just accept it.
I mean, you weren't learning with me.

- It's over.
- Great. Have a nice life.

- Nice knowing you.
- Yeah.

- Well, fine, then.
- Fine.

- Fine.
- Fine!

Let's go, Ralph.

I give them a month.

[SABRINA HUMMING]

I'm so at peace with what's happened
between me and the quizmaster.

I believe everything happens
for a reason.

And that's why
we call this stage "denial."

Hi, sweetheart.
How you feeling today?

I can't believe quizmaster
hasn't had the decency to call me

after all the mean things he said?

Welcome, anger.

Well, maybe you two just need
a little time away from each other.

[TOASTER DINGS]

Hey, I bet that's a letter from him.
Get to the real grovelling parts.

No, it's from the Witches' Council.

It says they're temporarily
out of quizmasters,

so you'll have to be home-schooled.

Well, I'm sure you'll be an even better
teacher than the quizmaster.

I'm afraid I'm too busy
substituting to do it.

It's your aunt Hilda.

You know what we haven't played
in a long time? Goofy golf.

No!

And let's give a big warm welcome
to sadness.

We don't have to play.

I think I'm turning into wind.

I feel a little breeze.

That's just the life going out of us.

I guess I've kind of forgotten how
to turn myself into any of the elements.

Take your time, Aunt Hilda. It's okay,
you know, my test is only in two days!

I just haven't turned myself
into wind in years.

Would cabbage help?

I guess the last time
was when I was on vacation

in the Caribbean
with my boyfriend, Danny.

We got into a fight
and he stormed out to take a walk.

Well, I didn't want him
to enjoy his walk, so I...

[WIND HOWLING]

But in the end, the joke was on me.

He fell in love
with one of his rescue workers.

This is ridiculous. I can't figure out
this stupid redox reaction, can you?

No, but that could be
because this is the class before lunch.

Well, at least
we're not the only ones.

Looks like Libby's
about to have a nervous breakdown.

Libby, do you have a question?

Do you want me
to explain the problem again?

ALL:
No.

Forget it. Just give me an F.

I'm getting an A in typing.
It'll average out.

Perhaps an analogy will help you.

Say you have a sweater and a skirt
that you always wear together.

And say, one day, you decide
to wear the sweater with a new skirt.

Therefore, the new skirt
and the old skirt

both change
into something different.

That's exactly what happens
to the copper.

This is great.
Is Libby actually drooling?

You see, the copper--

Gives an electron to the hydrogen

in the nitric acid causing the copper
to become a solution.

That's it, Libby.

And that means the hydrogen
would be released as a gas.

ZELDA:
Mm-hm. Give it a try.

[LOUD POP]

- Oh! Oh-ho-ho.
- Way to go, Libby!

Oh.

Oh, dear Lord.
I just hugged a teacher.

Great! Well, I can never
touch Aunt Zelda again.

I've got it. I remember
how to turn myself into fire.

If it involves
dry branches and kerosene,

it's not really magic.

No, it's so easy.

All you have to do is think like fire.

Well, that's helpful.

I'm really enjoying Vague University.

I can't believe I finally figured out
how to do it and I can't explain it.

Might I suggest the fine art
of shadow puppets.

You know what, maybe it would help
if I talked you through it once.

Good idea.

[SIGHS]

Ready? Okay?

Be fire!

I'm gonna fail.

I know you can do this.
You're just not thinking.

Yes, I am. I'm talking, aren't I?

Don't you have to think
to be able to talk?

No. Parrots talk.

So now I'm a parrot.
I'm as dumb as a bird. Is that it?

That's not what I meant.

Besides, parrots aren't dumb.

At that show at the zoo,
they ride bicycles.

I'm going upstairs.

That is, if I can figure out
how to use the stairs.

Sabrina, wait.

What just happened here?

They also have a goose
who can tap dance.

What?

Hi, I'm looking for my quizmaster.

Well, my ex-quizmaster.
Who are you?

I'm his roommate.

But from the way I clean up after him
you'd think I was his mother.

Come on in.

Hey, some broad's here to see you.

Wow, this place
would drive a rat insane. Heh.

No offence.

Oh.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hate to interrupt your sparkling
repartee with Dorothy Parker,

but we're out of charcoal briquettes.

Man, put it on the list.

Look, I just came by because
I was updating my address book

and I forgot your apartment number.

- It's .
- Right.

I'm really sorry about
what happened the other day.

It was all my fault. I was mad,
and you know, I said some things--

I was beginning to worry.

Hello, Sabrina.

What's he doing here?

- Nothing. I'm just quizzing him.
- At your apartment?

You never quizzed me
at your apartment.

Really? What about his weekend place
in Lake Arrowhead?

QUIZMASTER:
Ralph, enough.

Why don't we end
our lesson for today?

Okay. Then I guess
I'll see you tomorrow, Albert.

Your name is Albert?
You never told me your name is Albert.

You never asked.

That's not fair. I assumed
your name was Quizmaster

and the fact that it was also your job
just was a happy accident.

You haven't changed one bit. You're
never willing to admit you're wrong.

What? I'm the one
who keeps apologising to you.

- Just admit it. You need me.
- You're dreaming. I've moved on.

In fact, I found a new quizmaster
and I've never been happier.

Well, me too.
Ralph is the best student I've ever had.

He can even turn himself
into uranium.

Okay, I'm radioactive now,
but the point is, he can do it.

So? I've learned all the elements

and passed my midterm
with flying colours.

Really?

No!

[DOOR SLAMS]

She so wanted me.

I've got it! I know
why I need my quizmaster back now.

You know, you can't just barge in here
assuming we have nothing to do.

[WIND WHISTLING]

Proceed.

Okay, well, he and I just got
into this huge fight

and I'm hurt and angry,
and I never wanna see him again.

Don't you see? We're friends.

Miss Spellman, does this
dysfunctional story have a point?

Well, I didn't realise
we were friends before,

and that's why I need him.

I mean, when I think about
all the times we've shared together...

[WIND HOWLING]

[MOANS]

[THUD]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

So that's why I need
my quizmaster back with me.

Because nothing makes
a better teacher than a friend.

[TEARFULLY]
Wow.

Nope!

[LIQUID BUBBLING]

Cool, that's the seventh time today.

Thanks for your help, Libby.

Sorry.

I'm the only person in class
who still hasn't figured it out.

Don't think our foreign exchange
student has gotten it either.

[LOUD POP]

ZELDA:
Way to go, Lajos.

[IN BULGARIAN]

[CHUCKLES]

Maybe I've used up my brain,

it's just not gonna function anymore

and it's going to sit on the top
of my neck and get softer and softer

until the weight of my hair crushes it
and I have to wear a hat around.

You could work on the problem
some more.

I just feel like such a dunce.

Hi, Sabrina.
Did you dress yourself today?

Yes, I dressed myself, and someday
I hope to be able to feed myself.

That's right.
And how do we feed ourselves?

With a spoon.

Parrots also play tennis. Can you?

Sabrina, you have a very special
chemistry assignment today.

You get to clap the erasers.

Okay, but I feel kind of silly.

Oh. Look, everyone.

Look how well Sabrina
claps the erasers.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Sabrina likes to clap erasers.
Sabrina likes to clap erasers.

Sabrina. Sabrina.

Don't make me touch.

[CLAPS]

What do you want, Libby?

Your aunt asked me
to help with your experiment.

- What?
- Yes.

And I'm going to need to know a
few things about you before we begin.

Do you know how
to add and subtract?

- I don't need your help, Libby.
- Yes, you do.

In many, many ways.

- Go away!
- Not until--

[MUMBLING]

What? What's that, Libby? I--

Sorry, I can't understand you?

[CRIES]

[GROANS]

Freeze!

Sabrina, what's going on?

You know Libby, my mortal enemy?

The albatross around my neck?

- That stinky-faced meanie?
- Yes.

That's the Libby
you've become friends with.

And now you've asked her
to be my tutor?

- Honey, I simply--
- Wanted to publicly humiliate me?

I mean, I understand. Why not?

I can't figure out
this chemistry problem

and I can't even think about
trying to pass my elements test.

Man, it would feel great
to just disappear.

[WIND HOWLING]

All right!

Tornado in the house.

Oh, cool. It's you.
I was about to put on a sweater.

Wait. There's an encore.

[GASPS]

- Way to go.
- Oh.

[DOOR OPENS]

I knew you could do it.

[TOASTER DINGS]

Hey, it's a letter
from the Witches' Council.

I passed my elements test.

Hey, maybe I should go
into teaching. Heh-heh.

Wow, I freed up my mind
and things just clicked.

Aunt Zelda, I now understand
the chemistry problem.

When the copper is being oxidized,
the hydrogen is being reduced.

Oh, thank goodness
I don't have to fail you.

Wow, I can't remember
when I felt so good.

Yes, I do.
It was with the quizmaster.

That bonehead.

Still waiting for someone to say,

"Yeah, Hilda, you should
go into teaching."

And that's why
I need my quizmaster back.

I mean, he's the one
who guides me.

Because of him,
I know the joy of learning.

And if that's not it, I'm out of ideas.

No, you got it right.
We're discussing dinner plans.

- He can be your quizmaster again.
- Whoo-hoo!

Bet you're pretty impressed
I figured it out, huh?

No. Most witches get it right away.

You took so long,
we actually started an office pool.

Who had Sabrina Wednesday at ?

Everybody, pay the man.

There's something very wrong
with you people.

I don't want to bother you.

I know you're probably quizzing
the amazing Ralph.

No, no, no, it's okay. Hold on.

QUIZMASTER:
Ralph, Sabrina and I need to talk.

Give us a few minutes, okay?

RALPH: No problem, chief.
- Great kid.

Yeah. I just wanted to let you know
that I passed my elements test.

- All right!
- Yeah.

You were right, I wasn't learning

because all I could do
was think about getting it wrong. Heh.

I'm proud of you, but I think I should
get back to quizzing Ralph, so--

Right. You know what? Actually,
I've been kind of rude to Ralph.

I should apologise. Ralph!

Ralph's not here.
I've been throwing my voice.

And may I ask why?

I'm not tutoring Ralph anymore.
I broke it off.

But he was the perfect student.

I know, it was so annoying.

Well, I missed you and the way
you always loathed seeing me.

I think maybe
I got self-esteem issues.

This is great.
I mean, not your self-hatred.

The Witches' Council
said that you can quiz me again.

- That is, if you want to.
- Of course I want to.

Great.

You know, I'll deny this under oath,
but I missed you.

- I knew it.
- Heh.

I missed you too.

Great. Well...

All right, see you later, okay?

- Albert?
- Yeah.

Let's just stick
with Quizmaster, okay?

And, down there, that's where
I went to elementary school.

Wow, almost as exciting
as where you bought your toothpaste.

Wait, you're the one who thought
it'd be fun to take a hot-air balloon ride.

It was more fun in my imagination.
I don't know why.

I'm having a great time.

Whoever brought the Brie,

thank you.

Let's get out of here.
I've had my fill of talking vermin.

She so wants me.