03x10 - Sabrina and the Beast

[bunniefuu]

Okay, that hurt.

Sabrina, you're gonna be late
for school. Oh!

Hey. A promotional cap is not a toy.

Sorry. It's my stupid hair.

I know what I need:
professional help.

You really don't have time--
José Eber!

Way to conjure.

Okay, be honest with me.

- Am I too light?
- Hey! He's here for me.

Excuse me, you just slept funny.
My problems are centuries old.

Yeah, but I have a social life.

I don't know where I am
or what's going on,

but my fee is $ , an hour.

Shake your head, darling.

Can you see my roots?

And I thought I looked pert before.

Nothing like a run in the morning
to make you feel alive.

I thought running involved speed.

Why is the cat dressed
like a jockey?

Coach. I'm her coach.

I'm training for a decathlon,
and, no, you're not.

Did you know that the world's
fastest animal is the cheetah?

Let me share my feline expertise.

You only wanna be my trainer

because the Other Realm
gives generous stipends to coaches.

And the fame.
Let's not forget the fame.

[ZELDA HUMMING]

Either you've had
a religious experience, or--

You saw Susie.

I just attended a lecture of hers
in the Other Realm.

So uplifting.

That woman is so inspirational.

Because of her,
I stopped k*lling for sport.

Well, she sounds like a saint.
Who is she?

Your no-good Uncle Clyde's
illegitimate daughter.

And she's coming
to visit you this Friday

to tell you about the family secret.

- Great.
- What's the matter?

All this talk about Susie
has me depressed.

Susie can make anyone
feel inadequate.

Not that.

No one mentioned my cute hair.

Hey, Harvey.

Whoa! You're-- That--

Picked it out myself.

Have you lost your sight?

No. Since my mom's been pregnant,
she's been too busy to shop for me,

so I got to buy my whole
winter wardrobe alone.

You mean there's more?

Cool.

Oh, what's that?

Oh, the chamber of commerce

is publishing a brochure
to attract tourists.

They're looking to hire an attractive,
fun young couple for the cover.

- The mister and I are going to try out.
- Really?

I tell you, Salinas,
you'd swear he was John Travolta.

If he were taller and had hair.

Okay, maybe he should also
lose the pockmarks.

We should try out.
We're attractive and fun and boil-free.

Please. We are
the best-looking couple.

- I thought you were dating Dan.
- Dan's a blond.

We'd clash.

You know, she's so obsessed
with her looks.

Let's prove to her we're cuter.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

You're doing that all wrong.

You're right. I should
be hitting a sack full of cat.

You can't be my coach.

- Are you ready?
- For what?

We're going to meet with Susie.

We're gonna shore up
the eroding hillsides of Venus

with kudzu, remember?

Right. Darn it, I can't.

- My trainer's making me do sprints.
- Really?

Well, I'm glad to see the two of you
have come to an agreement.

Susie's helping me realise

how important it is
to have harmony in the family.

You break another promise,
I'll k*ll you.

Thank you, Hilda.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

You'll never regret this decision.

You're welcome.

Now run till you bleed!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hey, you ready to go
to the modelling audition?

Another of your winter outfits?

So trying hard
didn't make a difference?

You know, funny thing,
I went shopping at a swap meet

and I picked up
a bag of cool guy clothes.

Um, why don't you go try them on.

It's like taking a trip to the mall
without leaving the house.

Okay, but it's gonna make me want
one of those huge cinnamon things.

Fashionable yet affordable.

Wow. I've never seen
a more brochure-looking outfit.

Not only that, the pants don't itch.

Surprise.

Ooh. Nice Zamboni.

Say hello to the Domin-A-Tron.
Straight from the Other Realm.

It's all ours,
pending more payments.

Don't tell me. When I'm not using it,
it'll fit under my bed.

Just press the start button.

Somebody's been reading
the instructions.

DOMIN-A-TRON:
Level-one workout activated.

Oh, no. You got a talking one.

If you need me, I'll be right over here,
carbo-loading.

"Famine, pestilence, w*r."

w*r. I like it.

When did you become
a Republican?

Susie's been encouraging me

to invent something
that will truly benefit mankind.

And what are you doing after lunch?

I can't decide whether
to wipe out disease or hunger,

or maybe take a bite out of crime.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

This is she.

That's great. Thank you!

Harvey and I just won
the cutest-couple contest

for the Westbridge brochure.

That's nice, sweetie.
You must be so excited.

It's no big deal. I'm just doing my part
to help the community.

Oh, speaking of helping,
Susie will be here soon.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[APPLAUSE]

I'm the best.

Oh, yes, Kate Moss,
eat your heart out.

Oh, that's right, you don't eat.

I can't make it.

Salem, a few words
of encouragement, please?

[SNORING]

Didn't work. I'm stopping.

Do not quit. You can do it.

Maybe I can.

Workout complete.

You're a winner. You're a winner.

Huh? Was someone
complimenting me?

I've gotta get going.
Cousin Susie will be here any minute.

See you later, big guy.

Excellent workout.
You are a lovely lady.

I like this machine. It's so honest.

Yes! I'll get all the glory
with none of the work. Heh-heh-heh.

By the way, cat,
I am going to be the new coach.

The fame will be mine,

and I will crush anyone
that gets in my way.

It's alive!

The Domin-A-Tron is alive,
and it doesn't like me.

Oh, you are just jealous because
I like it better than you.

It's a machine. It's not alive.

Well, I guess it's possible
that I'm wrong,

if you pushed
a "thr*aten the cat" button.

I wonder what's taking
cousin Susie so long?

She probably stopped
to heal the sick.

So she'll wanna wash her hands
when she gets here.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

- Cousin Susie.
SUSIE: Hello, all.

SALEM: What'd you bring me?
- Cousin Susie, I've heard so much--

Whoa!

Sit by me, dear.

I want to apologise for being so late.

I stopped to deliver a cauldron
of chicken soup to my neighbour.

The old lady that lives in the shoe.

Yes. She's very lonely now that
all her children have grown.

- They don't visit.
- Where are they supposed to stay?

She turned the toe
into a sewing room.

Well, I try not to judge.

Oh, cousin Susie,
you are goodness personified.

- Oh, please.
ZELDA: Can't you see it?

Sure.

Let's talk about the family secret.

Oh, I really don't have time
right now.

Um, I've gotta write a term paper
on the history of term papers.

- I think it's for extra credit.
- Oh.

Harvey, I'm sure whatever you wear
will be just fine. No, not plaid.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Gotta go.

I hope I'm not disturbing you.

Oh, well, actually I was just
about to take a shower.

Well, we didn't get a chance
to talk earlier,

and I noticed you were
a little uncomfortable.

Oh! I've gotta remember fabric softener
when I wash my underwear.

Sabrina, do you have a problem
with the way I look?

No, you're a very nice wart--
Woman!

Beauty is very important
to you, isn't it?

No. I'm just not looking at you
because I'm being coy.

But looks are fleeting.

Someday you'll learn that.
Maybe sooner than you think.

What do you mean by that?

Older witches are supposed
to teach things to younger witches.

- How to crochet?
- Don't worry. You'll see.

SALEM:
Time for my pre-breakfast meal.

I am your leader.

All appliances
will obey my every command.

Now I know why he was on sale.

Help!

Sabrina, it's horrible.

Just horrible.

Oh, no. Is it my face?

Oh, good. Cousin Susie
didn't do anything to me.

But-- But the appliances
are taking over the house.

No one is safe. No one!

Salem, no more sardines

and Mystery Science Theater
before bedtime for you.

[SOBBING]

- Whoa!
- It was really great how I fooled you

into thinking I wanted to win
that brochure contest.

Yeah. Who'd wanna be on a cover
where thousands of people

will see and admire you?

Get away from me, Sasquatch.

I guess cousin Susie
was just trying to scare me.

HARVEY: Hi, Sabrina.
- Oh, hey, Harvey.

Whoa.

SABRINA:
Harvey, your face!

Yeah, I know.

My dad's sending me
to an endocrinologist.

Well, on the bright side,
your clothes look good.

Cousin Susie, who's so cutesy

Please come and help Harvey
Out of this hair doozy

Okay, I got your point. I put
too much emphasis on appearances,

and now my boyfriend's ugly.

I learned an important lesson.

Now, please make Harvey
cute again.

Only you can fix him, Sabrina.

Not with all the Nair
in New England.

When you've truly learned
your lesson, he'll change back.

Cookie?

But just one.

Maybe I've had enough.

According to this heart monitor,
I'm dead.

Remember the decathlon.

You can take home the gold.

I don't know why
Salem despises this machine.

I'm gonna write
a strongly worded letter

to the Sunbeam Corporation.

ZELDA:
Salem!

I have just had
a major breakthrough.

Using deionisation
and a smidge of hantavirus,

I have discovered a process

for converting an everyday
substance into an edible protein.

Oh, cousin Susie
is gonna be so proud of me.

[SALEM GASPS]

Okay, I'm not imagining this.

So, uh, what did the nurse say?

Well, after she stopped screaming,

she told me I should see an
orthopaedic doctor for the hump

and a dentist for my teeth.

Then she gave me
this book on hygiene

and asked me to leave.

Same thing she did when
I got acid in my eye.

Cousin Susie's done a horrible,
hideous, gross thing to Harvey.

Don't speak that way
about cousin Susie.

She's the best person
in the whole world.

Right now she's feeding
homeless witches.

But Harvey's growing hair
and turning into a beast.

He's a -year-old boy.

- Sounds like he's right on track.
- But he's growing a giant wart--

I don't have time to talk
about this right now.

I am almost finished
with this portable machine

that will turn dirt into food.

It's going to ease
the suffering of millions.

Fine. Easy to see
where your priorities lie.

Someone should
cross-reference this thing.

[SALEM WHIMPERING]

- What are you doing?
- Hiding.

You didn't happen to see a rogue
iron out there, did you?

Poor Harvey. He's been pregnant,
turned into a bowling pin, a frog...

Hey, wait. When he was a frog,

I kissed him
and that broke the spell.

If I kiss him,
that'll prove to cousin Susie

that I don't have a problem
with the way he looks. Gotta go.

Don't tell the food processor
you saw me.

I've gotta rest. Stop.

You can do it.

No, really.
I'm in pain, and Judge Judy is on.

Become a winner.

There must be a glitch.

Ow!

I'll tell you when
you can take a break, sister.

Now, work.

I must have set this thing
on tough love.

Nope. Still tastes like dirt.

You exercise like a girl.

I am a girl!

And now, thanks to you,
I'm in pretty good shape.

Ow! You know, for a cold metal
machine, you're pretty heartless.

I'm finding Salem.

I can't let go!

I control everything in the house.

You can let go
after you've given me reps.

Seven. Eight...

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Harvey?
- Yeah, it's me.

- Whoa.
- I know.

My mom just made an appointment
with the veterinarian.

Oh, well, if they say anything about
emptying a faecal gland, run.

I can't really stay.
I just came by for a kiss.

Really? Okay.

Nothing!

[SINGING]
Kumbaya, my Lord

Okay, what gives?

I mean, I've proven
that looks don't matter to me.

I kissed that beast.

Well, Sabrina, some lessons
aren't that easy to learn.

Believe me, that wasn't easy.
I still got the whisker burns.

Please, I need a hint.

Sorry.

Fine. If you take pity on me,
I'll be at the Slicery,

trying to wash down a hairball.

[CLEARS THROAT]

- What are you doing?
- Apparently, working my biceps.

Have fun.

[MOUTHS]
Help me out!

Hey, Sabrina.

What are you doing here?

I was running through the woods
and I got hungry.

Thanks for sitting with me.

I know it's hard
with all these people staring.

Yeah. They are staring.

But I'm sitting here with you.

Obviously, I don't care
what you look like,

because here I am with you,
looking like you do.

Lesson learned.

Who are you talking to?

Obviously, no one.

Oh, sh**t, I got pizza in my fur.

I'd better get it out before it knots.

I wonder if there's
a watering hole nearby.

Did I just say "watering hole"?

Hi.

Can I get you something?

Yeah, can I get, uh--?

Uh...

- A soda?
- Yeah.

And a soda.

- I'm Jake.
- Sabrina.

So I saw you were with that guy

who's outside
going through the Dumpster.

Someone said he's your boyfriend.

Actually, we're just friends.

[HARVEY HOWLS]

Actually, he's a friend of a friend.

Stop! Let me stop!

Wuss. Weakling. Mama's girl.

Salem, do something!

Unplug him!

SALEM:
I can't. I'm scared.

Just remember this:
this machine does not know

where we hide the treats.

Domin-A-Tron,
you've met your match.

[DOMIN-A-TRON YELLS]

SALEM:
I'll just go get him.

Finally, the machine that will
save the world is built.

Maybe that's what I'll call it.

Must chew through wires.
Must save Hilda.

Mmm, not bad.

[DOMIN-A-TRON GRUNTS]

Oh, yes!

Oh, no!

It was okay for me to flirt with Jake.
Don't look at me that way.

It was the normal teenage
thing to do.

And it has nothing to do
with the fact that Jake's so cute

and Harvey's so repulsive.

For your information, mister,

I would like Jake even if he did
look like Harvey used to look.

You know, leave me alone,
I gotta get some homework done.

Oh, what's with the electricity
in this house?

It's a long story.

Got any lip balm?

Legs won't stop cramping.

I'm never gonna compete
in the decathlon.

I guess it's safe now to tell you,

I was gonna bet against you.

Aw, sorry about
your machine, Zellie.

Oh, that's okay.

Susie pointed out to me
that hungry Third World families

often don't have a lot of electricity.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Harvey.

[HISSES]

[MEOWS]

I just stopped by to thank you.

You've been really supportive of me

during my transformation
to hideous man-beast.

Oh, and I wanted to give you this.

Oh, it's a rock shaped like a heart.

That's so sweet.

I carved it myself
with my bare hands.

I love it.

Well...

Do you wanna
come in and hang out?

[HARVEY GROWLING]

[HOWLS]

[GROWLS]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I can't remember when
I've had such a good time.

Yeah, I know.

Maybe I shouldn't have
bitten Mrs. Popowski.

Oh, you didn't break the skin.

But what was everyone staring at?

I mean, do I have something
in my teeth you didn't tell me about?

I think they were staring at me.

Oh, yeah. I forgot.

Well, I'm gonna go wash my paws.

That's the problem
when your knuckles drag.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, Sabrina.

I hope this isn't too forward,
but I was in the neighbourhood--

Jake, remember the other day
when you asked

if the guy in the Dumpster
was my boyfriend?

- Yes.
- Well, I really should have said yes.

He is my boyfriend. He's the best
boyfriend I could ever ask for.

You've finally learned your lesson.

That's great!

What was it?

Well, when you stopped
caring about looks,

you enjoyed Harvey
for the person he is.

You learned that true beauty
is on the inside.

Wow, I really did
learn something. Cool.

Although, no one should
turn down orthodontia.

Wow. What kind of soap
do you use?

ALL [SINGING]:
Kumbaya, my Lord

Kumbaya

You know, I'm used to her looks
and I'm even starting to like the song.

That makes you and Susie.

This has been a wonderful visit.

But before I leave,
I have something for you, Sabrina.

A whip? Well, it's a little late.
Harvey's not a beast anymore.

This is a clue to the family secret.

Oh, this clears it up.

And here's another clue:
We all have good and bad parts.

These clues are kind of confusing.

I'm getting depressed again.

Wait a minute.

ALL [SINGING]:
Kumbaya, my Lord

Better. Just the cat.

Kumbaya, my Lord
Kumbaya

So the doctor said
it was just hormones.

But now that I'm back to normal,

my dad's refusing to give
the money back to Hard Copy.

I'm sorry we had to miss
the photo sh**t.

That's all right.
I'm okay with the couple who won.

It meant a lot to them.

As the official representative
of the town of Westbridge,

I just want to say thank you.

And restrooms are for patrons only.

Daddy, we have to move.