03x25 - The Good, the Bad, and the Luau

[bunniefuu]

Sabrina, we have
good news and bad news.

The bad news is
we're going to a family reunion.

- The good news is--
- It's not our family?

No. The family reunion is in Hawaii.

All right. I wonder what
the weather's like in Hawaii right now.

Well, let's see.

Okay, well, that answers my question.
I will not pack galoshes.

Can I help you with
those bags under your eyes?

[CAT MEOWS]

- Who's this?
SALEM: I'd like to introduce you

to my new friend, Lola.

I met her outside
my favourite sushi bar.

We were fighting over
a tuna belly, and she won.

Salem got b*at by a girl.

Salem got b*at
by a woman, Sabrina.

She's in the family way.

- Maybe we should have him neutered.
- I heard that.

And for your information,
I'm not the father.

But she will be staying with us
until the blessed event.

Didn't I ask for milk?

Harvey? Harvey.

I'm coming, Mom.

Oh, man.

Okay. Nothing to see here.
Show's over.

Harvey,
if you keep falling asleep,

they're gonna transfer you
to the narcolepsy magnet school.

I know.

But my dad's away,
and according to my mom,

pregnant women need
soy hot cocoas

brought to them every half hour
throughout the night.

Well, are you sure your mom's
pregnant and not just lazy?

I need a break.

- Thinking about joining the Army.
- Hey, I have an idea.

We need someone to watch Salem

while we go on our
family reunion to Hawaii.

I'll do it. I'll pay you.

Great. Oh, wait.

We have another cat,
and she's pregnant.

Does she sit around and moan
about her varicose veins?

- Not so far.
- When do I start?

SALEM:
Harvey?

You got a mortal to stay with us?

So, what if I need something for Lola?

How am I supposed to let him know?
Charades? Come-hither stares?

What if I put a spell on Harvey?
That way you two can talk to each other.

You've done that spell before?

No, but I can. I discovered it
while studying the magic book.

Studying the magic book?

Who are you and what
have you done with Sabrina?

Harvey, this is Lola.

She mostly just wants
to be left alone.

An excellent quality
in a pregnant thing.

Sabrina, we'd better get going.

Oh, I just wanted to make
Harvey a farewell drink.

Farewell.

- Dolittle spell?
- Bleh.

Dolittle.

I didn't know Kool-Aid
came in chunky style.

Oh, Harvey, you remember
Salem, don't you?

- Hey, Harv.
- Hey, Salem. Anything on TV?

SportsCenter.
You get the chips, I'll get the remote.

You're on.

Have a great time.

SABRINA:
Okay, well,

I hope we don't miss our flight.

I mean, it's rush hour.
The highways will be jammed.

I love that joke.

Wow.

For the first time in my life I understand
the meaning of the word "swank."

Hold it.
This is Hilda's and my room.

Your room is through there.

My own room?
What a great reunion.

I don't care if I do have
to kiss Aunt Bootsie.

I'm calling management.

There's something we need to tell you
about this trip, dear.

You can't enjoy the beach
until you solve the family secret.

What? When were you planning
on telling me this?

- Now.
- Don't worry. You'll solve it.

It'll be easy once
you have the final clue.

I am Pele,
Hawaiian goddess of fire.

Cousin Pele, to you.

I am here to give you the final clue
to the Spellman family secret.

Oh! Oh!

Would some baking soda help?

That's okay. Just don't talk.
It distracts me.

Here is your clue.

- Is it on fire?
- No.

I lost more clues that way.

Here.

Good luck.

A ball of string.

Okay, well, I'll just call room service
and ponder over this

while I have a burger
and some free movies.

Sorry. No food. No fun.

You have to work on it
until you get the answer.

I just wanna thank you two
for bringing me to Hawaii.

If you have any questions, call us.

We'll be at the luau
after hula lesson.

I need to learn to hula too.

[MUSIC PLAYING
& CLOCK TICKING]

Oh, that won't be too distracting.

Of course RoboCop
can b*at the Terminator,

Mr. "I liked
My Best Friend's Wedding."

I said it had its moments.

[MEOWING]

Do you want your tummy rubbed?

Oh, go back to sleepy.

Did you ever see Rambo?

Remember the part when
he stitched himself up?

You know, I read
Stallone really did that.

- You did your homework, right?
- Right. What homework?

Uh! Hilda...

At the last family reunion,
you managed to alienate everyone

because you hadn't even read
the family newsletter.

Oh, it wasn't that bad.

- They made you eat sand.
- Not a lot.

Anyway, here comes Uncle George.

Now, he's at the reunion
with his second wife, Ruby.

I don't know what he sees in her.

But be sure to compliment her
on her supposed weight loss.

Hello, Zelda.

Hello, Ruby.

You've lost weight.

Oh, look. I think they're towing my car.

Every member of the Spellman family
is born with a ball of string? No.

With, a-- With stringy hair.

No. We condition.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hello?
SALEM: Sabrina, help.

Harvey and I are beside ourselves.
Lola won't stop crying.

I have problems of my own.

I have to solve this stupid secret
with this stupid ball of string.

If you come home, I'll help you--

[MAGIC CHIMES]

- With the clue.
- What is this?

HARVEY:
Salem?

What did the doctor say?

[LOLA MEOWING]

The doctor on the telephone, yeah,
said Lola needs a nesting spot.

Go get a cardboard box
and set it up in the living room.

- Run, man.
- Okay.

But leave Lola in here.
The box is supposed to be a surprise.

You're a very controlling vet.

Good going.

Okay. This is my last clue,
a ball of string.

That's not string. It's twine.

Oh, please let me at it.

HARVEY:
Mom, what are you doing here?

Well, I was taking a walk,
and suddenly I got very tired.

Mrs. Kinkle.
I gotta get out of here.

But you haven't helped Lola.

Right.

Until this cat gives birth to a litter

Make her calm and relaxed
For her new cat-sitter

SALEM:
She's fixed.

I have to admit that sound
was beginning to annoy me.

HARVEY:
I'll find out, Mom.

Gotta go.

Salem, do we have
any soy hot cocoa?

[SPITS]

How do you get
all the sand out?

Just keep rinsing.

Shell.

Hmm. Twine. Okay.

Every member of the Spellman family
is born with twine.

With wine?

I come from long line of alcoholics?
No.

Every member of the Spellman family
is born with a twine.

Minus the "e" is "twin."

That's it!

Every member of the Spellman
family is born with a twin.

[MAGIC CHIMES]

A twin?

Congratulations, Sabrina.

You solved the family secret.

Come here.

I'd like to introduce you
to your twin, Katrina.

- Hello, Sabrina.
- I'm so excited.

And, apparently, not unique.

I can't believe I have a twin.

This is good news, especially
if one of us ever needs a kidney.

Katrina lives in South Dakota
in a house exactly like ours.

Except for some reason,
they have shag.

Katrina and I had a great time
together yesterday.

It's weird we don't have
the same parents.

Are your twins as nice as mine?

Actually, our twins
turned out to be evil.

Which brings us to another teeny thing
we have to tell you.

Zelda.

Sit down, dear.

You see, in all witch twins,

one twin is evil,
and the other one is good.

And, unfortunately, the evil twin is not
allowed to live in the Mortal Realm.

Oh, no.
Katrina can't be the evil one.

Wait a minute.
That would mean I'm the evil one.

She did leave the pool boy
a crummy tip.

I got this scar wrestling a monkey
at the county fair.

Sweet.

But I got you b*at.
Check out the one on my butt.

I don't see a scar.

Don't have one,
but made you look.

MRS. KINKLE:
Oh, fiddlesticks.

Mom, what are you doing?

I'm trying to get into Lola's nesting box,
but I think I need a bigger one.

Order on the beach.

In today's case
of Katrina v. Sabrina,

the tribunal shall decide
which witch is the good witch,

and which witch is the evil witch.

Stop biting your nails.

I will if you stop twirling your hair.

Question one: Sabrina.

[DOG BARKS]

SABRINA:
Oh, hey, buddy.

Where's your tag? Are you lost?

What do you want to be
when you grow up?

Does this dog belong to anyone?

- Sabrina, pay attention to the question.
- Sorry. What did you say?

I can't repeat the question.

Oh, then, yellow?

Katrina, what do you want to be
when you grow up?

Well, I like people and animals,

so I'll either be
a social worker or a veterinarian.

[CHEERS]

Wrong.
Sabrina wins the question portion.

You see, the good witch
cares more about living things

than about winning points
for herself.

- Woohoo!
- I hated those trick questions.

I'm so embarrassed.
I gave that round to Katrina.

Now, we shall randomly review
each witch's use of magic.

Was it for good? Or was it for evil?

Roll the videotape.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Not her best magic.

And who picked that music?

Dressing Harvey was good magic.
He looked like a total dork before.

But I mean "dork"
in the best possible way.

You didn't dress Harvey to help him.

You did it to win the contest.

Dressing Harvey was selfish.

Worst Spellman family trait.

Now we shall review
Katrina's use of magic.

I knew I should have learned to cook.

Pies for the homeless. How nutritious.

I think those children
were being read to against their will.

So far, Sabrina has won
the q and a,

and Katrina has won the life review.

But since this is a close call,
I have one more question

which could make it or break it
for either one of you.

- May the best witch win.
- Right back at you.

I would like each girl
to quickly tell the tribunal

how she used her magic for good
in the last hours.

Oh, I made a pregnant animal
feel comfortable.

Katrina? Anything?

Well, I--

I got us both dates.

Court's adjourned.

Last one to limbo is a rotten egg.

Great. I'm ahead.

Maybe I'm not the evil one after all.

Oh, this trial
is getting on my nerves.

I have a bigger headache
than Uncle Danny after he celebrates.

Well, another night of drinking.

Hello, Zelda.

Hello, Uncle Danny.

Oh, there goes my car again.

I'm good. I know I am.

Or am I?

I wonder if there's
a competent therapist on this island.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hello?
- Sabrina, we need you here now.

Harvey's mom's in labour
at the hospital.

And you need me to offer
hearty congratulations?

No.

When doctors
listened to her stomach,

they heard a heartbeat
and something that sounds like purring.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.

Looks like "Inexact Spell"
Spellman has struck again.

I'll meet you at the hospital.

[SPITTING]

Sand goes down better
the second time, don't you think?

I understand your not stopping them,
but did you have to scream out,

"More, more, she can take it"?

You think we should check
on Sabrina?

Oh, no. No, let her relax.

Look out. Coming through.

Okay. I transferred Lola's discomfort
onto the nearest pregnant creature.

- Mrs. Kinkle.
- Exactly.

She's about to have kittens
unless I get her and Lola together,

and incant a spell.

So do we give up now
or carry this charade a b*at longer?

Excuse me,
I'm looking for Mrs. Kinkle.

She's about to deliver.

Then I guess she might be
in the delivery room.

No need to be snotty.

That was evil. Don't tell the judge.

Relax, Ma. They'll stick a needle
in your spine and it'll be all better.

[GROANS]

[PANTING]

Dr. Merchant, let's hear the foetal
heartbeat and the so-called purring.

[GASPS]

Oh, my.

Is this what I think it is?

Yes. Barbecue sauce.

We had ribs for lunch, remember?

Right. Let's go wash up.

We'll be right back.

Harvey, get me a Nutrageous bar.

I'm on it, Ma.

Mrs. Kinkle, holding a kitty
is the latest relaxation technique

to ease contraction pains.

I'd chew steel right now.

Please make this work.

Mom. They didn't have Nutrageous
in the vending machine.

I had to get crackers.

Try the one in the basement.
And take the stairs.

I'm on it.

Well, this isn't going smoothly.

And here come the doctors.

There was a spell that went wrong

Put these kitties back
Where they belong

All right. It's time to deliver the baby.

Doctor, do you think it's appropriate
to bring animals into the delivery room?

You mean, Dr. Fluffy from the HMO?

Whoo! I'm glad I was able to
fix that little glitch.

Helping Lola's the magic that's gonna
tip me off into the good-witch category.

I hate to burst your bubble,

but didn't you help Lola
just so I'd help you with the clue?

Oh, no. You're right.

And that was selfish.

And being selfish
is a Spellman's worst trait.

- I'm evil.
- And doomed.

Do either of you
have a candy bar on you?

I can't find the basement.

- Sabrina?
- Hey, Harvey.

Aren't you supposed to be in Hawaii?

Without a moustache?

Oh, right. Tail winds?

Look, Harvey, there's something
I have to tell you.

- I won't be able to see you anymore.
- Why?

Because I won't be allowed
to live in Westbridge.

We're just so crazy about Hawaii,
we're moving there.

Well, what am I gonna
do without you?

Mr. Kinkle.
Your mother's asking for you.

It turns out the purring
was just a glitch on the sonogram.

- Sabrina, I--
MRS. KINKLE: Harvey!

Please don't go? I'll miss you.

Me too.

Me three.

Oh, that reminds me.
I have to get rid of that Dr. Dolittle spell.

Why? Just because you're evil

doesn't mean I shouldn't
continue my friendship with Harvey.

Well, I'm a wreck.

Oh, now, now, dear.

Just because your spell was selfish.

And involved civil disobedience.

And was very messy,

doesn't mean you're the evil twin.

JUDGE:
Order on the sand.

Since Sabrina's helping-a-
pregnant-cat spell was selfish,

involved civil disobedience
and was extremely messy,

the evil twin is

Sabrina Spellman.

Great.

I finally win something.

Why are we at a volcano?

I thought I couldn't live
in the Mortal Realm.

Well, actually, dear, you can't live in
the Mortal Realm or the Other Realm.

We didn't wanna worry you.

And besides, I never thought
you'd turn out to be the evil one.

Especially when you turned out
to be the good one.

It was nice getting to know you.

Good luck with the rest
of your future. Sorry.

What does she mean by that?

Evil twins
are thrown into the volcano.

Oh, to prove that they're brave,

and then they'll be welcomed back
into the bosom of their family?

Not exactly. Zelda.

You see, Sabrina,
lava is the only substance that can--

I'm sorry.

Lava is the only substance
that can destroy a witch.

Get me the ACLU.

At this time, the good twin
shall push the evil twin into the volcano.

Okey-dokey.

Aah!

- Oh, no.
HILDA: She didn't.

Why did you push Sabrina
into the volcano?

Because you told me to. Duh.

No good witch has ever had the heart
to do away with their evil twin.

Although, one Hilda Spellman
did come very close.

This proves Katrina is the evil twin.

[PHONE RINGS]

SABRINA: Great.
With my luck, it's a telemarketer.

- Yes?
- Good news.

Mrs. Kinkle delivered
a healthy baby girl,

and Lola had five little kittens.

Uh-huh.

What's that loud noise
in the background?

Oh, that would be hot, molten lava.

I'm gonna have to get back to you.

Sabrina, we've got
good news for a change.

You're not the evil twin.

Now you tell me.

[MAGIC CHIMES]

Oh, man, have you ever tried to wash
volcanic ash out of your hair?

No. But I came really close,

as the witch judge pointed out
to practically everyone in Hawaii.

So, what happened to Katrina?

She was sent to live in the
Twin Cities in the Other Realm.

That's where all the evil twins
go after the volcano test.

I thought evil twins d*ed.

No one's actually ever thrown
to their death during the volcano test.

Well, except for you.

Well, we all have our minutes.

[GROANING]

Well, here it is.

Your official witch's licence.

It will give you more power
than you ever dreamed possible.

But be careful.
It can also cause more trouble

than you ever dreamed possible.
Just ask Hilda.

Not all tsunamis are bad.

And now,
we have one final lesson for you.

Well, this seems a tad
anticlimactic now.

Oh, your skirt's on fire.

Their names are Groucho,
Harpo, Chico, Zeppo and Pepe.

"Pepe"?
What happened to "Gummo"?

Gummo was my father's name.

[DOOR KNOCKS]

Hey. Chocolate cigars to celebrate
the birth of my new baby sister, Oona.

Oona Kinkle.
I hope she's good-looking.

Hey, I have a big favour to ask you.

Can I take Lola
and the kittens home?

Oona stops crying
when there's meowing,

- but it's making me hoarse.
- They're all yours.

SALEM:
Meow!

Oh, but can Salem come visit
every other weekend?

Sure. That way we can watch
RoboCop together.

Why did I say that?

- Because you're sleep-deprived.
- Right. I better get home.

I'll come back for Lola.

- I'm so glad you're not leaving after all.
- Me too.

Are you okay?

Sure. I mean, we knew
we couldn't keep them. I just--

[SOBS]

I'm feeling a little postpartum.

I could use a vacation.

How about Maui?