06x30 - Make Love Not Hate

[bunniefuu]

I think I'll wear the grey knit
to Larry and Louise's tonight.

The grey knit?

Not the one with the plunging neckline.

- Well, you loved it the last time I wore it.
- So did a lot of other guys.

It's the only thing I have
that Louise hasn't seen.

Sam, the client and his wife are
from Boston.

They're against open-toed shoes.

Well, maybe I'll wear
a sweatshirt under it.

- If we go at all.
- If?

Well, I've been trying to get Esmeralda
since yesterday.

- I can't seem to reach her.
- Here I am, Samantha.

- Hello, Mr Stephens.
- Good morning, Esmeralda.

I couldn't possibly baby-sit tonight.

Well, why don't you materialise
and tell me all about it?

All right.

- Where have you been?
- I have been devastated.

I don't feel up to baby-sitting.

What happened?

Well, you remember a few weeks ago
I went out with Ramon Verona?

Oh, yes. He's the salad chef
at the Warlock Club.

Of course.

- Anyway, it was a shocking experience.
- Did he make a pass at you?

No. And I've never been so insulted
in all my life.

He's been dating that little witch
in the hatcheck room.

- Oh!
- You know her type.

Dresses up to here
and false eyelashes down to there.

And nothing in her head.

With those legs, who needs a head?

Esmeralda, would you mind going upstairs
and looking in on Adam?

All right.
But I can only stay a short time.

Well, we have two alternatives.

- What's the second one?
- Don't you want to know the first?

The first is your mother.
What's the second one?

- I could call Dr Bombay.
- That quack? I'd rather have your mother.

Oh, Darrin.
Esmeralda's in such terrible shape.

He might know a way
to cure her depression.

Swell. And after he does that,
who's gonna cure my depression?

Oh, I'll think of something.

Anyway, we'll be helping Esmeralda
and helping ourselves at the same time.

Okay. Bombay it is.

Only, Sam,

don't call until I'm out of f*ring range.

Dr Bombay! Calling Dr Bombay!

- Dr... Oh.
- Morning. Good morning.

- Sit down. I'll examine you.
- Dr Bombay, I'm perfectly all right.

That's for me to decide. Sit down.
Left shoe off. I'll take your pulse.

No. Doctor, you don't understand.
It's Esmeralda who needs your help.

She's had a terrible experience
with Ramon Verona.

Ate one of his salads, eh?

Dr Bombay, this is serious.

Now, she's been going with him
for the past few months,

and all of a sudden he just threw her over
for that little witch in the checkroom.

Oh, she's terribly depressed.

I was hoping you could give her
something to cheer her up.

My dear, you don't want Dr Bombay.
You want Dear Abby. Goodbye.

Oh, no. Wait, wait, wait. Maybe...

Esmeralda?

- Look who's here.
- Oh, dear.

Esmeralda, Dr Bombay just wants
to help you.

Nobody can help me.
I'm a natural-born loser.

That's not true.

No? What do you call someone
who's always pushing doors marked "pull?"

Why don't you go into the kitchen
and fix yourself a cup of coffee?

All right.
It might cheer me up, but I doubt it.

There's a lot less to
her than meets the eye.

You know what I think, Doctor?

The only way to bolster her ego is
to get another man interested in her.

Jolly good idea.

- Why are you staring at me like that?
- You mean you're volunteering?

I just remembered a pressing engagement
with my tailor.

Oh, wait.

Wait, if you won't do it, then you have
to find another warlock who will.

You must know somebody.

As a matter of fact, someone does
come to mind. Chap named Norton.

I once cured him of the incurable
square green spots disease.

What's he like?

Unfortunately, not the greatest personality
in the world.

Bit of a loser, in fact.

Sort of short and funny-looking,
drinks a bit, too.

Dr Bombay, nobody's perfect.

- I really ought to be going.
- Well, you can't leave, Esmeralda,

until Dr Bombay gets back with your cure.

What is it? A pill?

I hope not.

All right. You stay here.
I'll flush her out.

Bombay, could you please lower
your voice?

You're on the same wavelength
as my hangover.

- Well, what's this chick's name?
- Esmeralda. And you'll thank me.

- What does she look like?
- Oh, she's warm, sweet, intelligent.

- Goodbye.
- Norton.

Did I or did I not cure you from
the incurable square green spots disease?

Yes, you did, and I'm very...

Then the least you can do
is take a look at this witch

and see what you think.

You have to keep your strength up
or you'll fade away to nothing.

If I'm lucky.

Now go ahead. Peek in,
and if you don't like her, you can leave.

There you go.

I hope this cure Dr Bombay's bringing
isn't going to hurt.

I think you're going to be
pleasantly surprised.

- I am?
- I might as well tell you.

- He's bringing a friend for you.
- Oh, no.

Well?

- She really appeals to you?
- Oh, I'll say.

Well, you never can tell.

Esmeralda.

Yes.

You are going to have to promise me that
when Dr Bombay shows up with his friend,

you won't fade out.

All right. But I really don't
feel like meeting anybody.

There you are.
I want you to meet a friend of mine.

Esmeralda, this is Norton.
Norton, this is Esmeralda.

Well, I'm certainly glad to meet you.

You know,
I almost didn't agree to come here.

I could almost laugh when I think of it.

This is Esmeralda.

No. No, you're Esmeralda.

You see, when he told me to look in here,

and I looked in here,
and you were the one who was...

That's why you've got to be.
She's Esmeralda?

Oh, dear.

Dr Bombay, I don't think Esmeralda's going
to be able to hang in there much longer.

How you doing?

My dear girl,
you can't rush a thing like a love potion.

It calls for the utmost precision and care.

Hello.

Oh, hi, sweetheart.

You'll make what up to me?

Well, Louise is having
one of her migraine headaches,

so guess who's going to have the pleasure

of entertaining Larry
and the Meiklejohns tonight.

Well, I hope it's Oscar of the Waldorf,
but I know better.

I know it's late in the day to spring this
on you, so if you have to,

you know, take some shortcuts,
I'll understand.

Well, fortunately that won't be necessary.
I have some steaks in the freezer.

You're beautiful.
I'll be home early to help.

Oh, and make some of that
clam dip of yours, Larry loves it.

Okay. But you tell Larry

that if I have to make one more dinner
for a client, I want to go on the payroll.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Dr Bombay...

I have a slight problem.

My husband is coming home early,
and we're having company for dinner.

This won't take but another moment.

Or two.

Dr Bombay,
how much longer is this going to take?

- I'll be done in a jiffy.
- That's what you said over an hour ago.

What does that do?

Nothing. It's just for eating.
It's my clam dip.

You don't say.

Scotch and soda.

Does this potion work in the usual way?

Yes. After imbibing this potion,

the imbibee is smitten
by the first person he sees,

of the opposite sex, of course.

Is there a chance he'll refuse the drink?

If he does,
he'll be breaking a lifetime habit.

Well, here goes nothing.

- Ready for a drink?
- You're a mind reader.

- How about a little toast?
- Here's mud in your eye.

Don't be a bore, Norton.
There's a lady present.

Sorry. Here's mud in your eye.

Oh, dear.

Where'd she go?

Hi there.

I love you.

Oh, my stars!

Where are you going, my little love bug?

Come back here.
There's been a ghastly mistake.

Dr Bombay. Dr Bombay,
my husband's going to be home any minute.

Right. Goodbye.

If there's one thing I can't stand,
it's a cowardly doctor.

There you are, you gorgeous little witch.

And his friends!

I've got you now, my little pigeon.

I wonder if that's what they mean by "life,
liberty and the happiness of pursuit"

Esmeralda!

Esmeralda, will you please tell him
I'm married?

She's married, but I'm not.

Come here, you little pigeon.

- I'm not even engaged.
- Oh, good for you.

Oh! Hi, sweetheart. You're early.

Come back here, you beautiful creature.

I'm not that early.

- Sam.
- Oh, dear.

Okay. You want to play games, huh?

All right. But I'm warning you.
I'm a very sore loser.

Where are you, my little pigeon?

- Mrs Stephens come through here?
- She went thataway.

- No. She went thisaway.
- Sam, who is that guy?

- Well, you see...
- What is all this mess?

Our guests will be here
in less than an hour.

- Now, have you flipped?
- Oh, dear. Yes.

Excuse us, Esmeralda.

Dear.

He's a warlock that Dr Bombay thought

might be attracted to Esmeralda,
but he wasn't.

So the doctor made a love potion
to get him interested, and it did.

- In me.
- I knew there was a logical explanation.

Sam, will you get that character
out of this house right now?

He is out. But I don't know for how long.

Larry's picking up the Meiklejohns at the
airport and taking them to their hotel.

I'd better call the hotel
and see if I can head them off.

That can't be Larry.

With the luck I've been having all day,
it's got to be him.

I better do something about the mess
in the kitchen just in case.

- Oh. Mr Meiklejohn. Mrs Meiklejohn.
- Hello.

- How do you do?
- How nice to see you.

I know we're a little early, but we decided
to come here straight from the airport.

- I told you we should have called.
- Yes.

Stand back, Esmeralda.
I'm gonna have to speed things up a bit.

Esmeralda, would you mind putting
the dip in that silver bowl

- with some crackers around it and...
- Sam, come on.

The Meiklejohns will think
we went out the back door.

Which may not be a bad idea.

- Why did Larry bring them over so early?
- Well, they had an argument on the plane,

and she refused to stay over,
so they cancelled their hotel reservations.

Looks like a jolly evening.

Well, I have to change.
Will you please turn around?

Sam, this is no time to be bashful.
Just go ahead.

- How do I look?
- Like a vision of loveliness.

Look, whatever you're selling,
we don't want any.

- Now will you please blow?
- Oh, sure. You have hurricane insurance?

- He didn't mean to be rude.
- Yes, I did. Get lost.

I'll give you your choice.
Would you rather be a frog or a zebra?

Don't you dare lay a spell on him.

You'd make a wonderful aardvark.

- Norton, if you really care for me...
- Oh, I do. I do.

Then you behave yourself
and stay here in the kitchen.

Your every wish is my command.

- Esmeralda, may I have the clam dip?
- Anything you say.

Would you like to make us

- a couple of drinks, sweetheart?
- Yeah.

Oh, Mr Meiklejohn, Mrs Meiklejohn,
how nice to see you.

- Excuse me. Have some clam dip.
- Thank you. My dear, I do want to apologise.

After all,
it wasn't my idea to barge in this early.

Sure. Blame me.

Even though it's you
who refuses to stay over.

I don't care to discuss it.

Well, Boston must be very nice
this time of year.

Sure. Nice and humid.

- I tell you. I did not know that stewardess.
- I hardly think this is the place to discuss it.

But I am curious to know
how she knew your first name.

I must have taken the trip a hundred times,
and it's only logical...

I don't care to discuss it.

- Oh, this must be awfully boring for you.
- Oh, not at all.

I mean, sweetheart, don't you think
you should freshen up their drinks?

- Mrs Meiklejohn?
- No, thank you.

- Mr Meiklejohn.
- Just warm up the ice cubes.

- I've only had one.
- And two doubles on the plane.

Wouldn't anyone like some clam dip?

George, inasmuch as you're going
back tonight,

maybe we could take a few minutes
after dinner to discuss the renewal terms.

- I don't think that'd be fair to our hosts.
- Sure, it would.

I mean, wouldn't it, Darrin?

Oh, sure. Sure.

I don't usually mix business with pleasure,
but under the...

Isn't anyone gonna try the clam dip?
It's really the end.

- Oh. Yeah. I will.
- It does look good.

What is it?

Hi there.

What's the matter with you?

You're beautiful.

Did I tell you what happened
to our neighbour Mrs Kravitz?

No, Sam. What happened
to our neighbour Mrs Kravitz?

Well, Mr Kravitz took her
to her very first baseball game, and...

What are you doing all the way over there?

Will you stop acting like a sex maniac?

You're a handsome devil. You know that?

Well, that's very flattering, but...

- I think I'll freshen that dip.
- Let me help you.

If I were your wife,
I'd never let you out alone.

Well, that's very flattering too,
but listen, I don't want to crowd you.

Why not?

Quite a kidder, isn't she?

I have every reason to be angry.

Do you think it was cricket just to
take off and leave your friend behind?

Why not? He knows his way home.

At any rate, I haven't the foggiest notion
how the potion got into your dip.

You know, Doctor,
you'd make a perfect stranger.

Darrin, please. What about the antidote?

Listen, you two.
What's the idea of leaving me alone with...

- Hi.
- Evidently.

You two sure have a lot of help tonight.

Hey, what did you put
in Mrs Meiklejohn's drink anyway?

- I beg your pardon?
- Larry, don't you understand?

She's just trying to get even with
her husband because of that stewardess.

Sure. And it won't hurt to humour her.

You're forgetting something.
We're here to humour him.

- And if she keeps on...
- Larry, where are you?

Hey! Come back, honeybunch!

I say. They've all gone amok, haven't they?

How long will it take to make the antidote?

It might be faster
if I put a reverse spell on the potion.

- Where's the clam dip?
- Over there.

I may join him.
I could do with a swim myself.

Nothing.

Darrin, why don't you go out there
and help Larry?

Right.

- I'm gonna get you.
- Mrs Meiklejohn, please.

Mrs Meiklejohn,
I don't think Mr Meiklejohn would approve.

Oh. Here, Mr Meiklejohn. Let me help you.

- Please. Will you please stop that!
- Don't go so fast.

I suppose Larry has told you how anxious
we are to continue handling your account.

For the last time...

He has a funny way of showing it.

Oh, yes, here.

Cheers. Oh, boy! Some more clam dip.
Is it as good as it looks?

Oh, yes. Yes.

Esmeralda and Norton tasted it,
and they loved it.

- Oh, that's great.
- In fact, they just left.

That's even greater.

- Here, Mr Meiklejohn. Have some.
- Ladies first.

Sam, sit over here.

Oh, no, no, no.
You're not gonna get away from me again.

Here, here. I made a fresh batch.

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

- Oh, my goodness. What's going on here?
- I haven't the vaguest idea.

George. George, where have you been
all this time?

Right here, honeybunch.

- Are you trying to start another argument?
- Why should I argue with my lovely wife?

- Oh. I think I'll have some of that.
- No, you don't.

Pardon?

I mean, I want you to save
your appetite for dinner,

which will be ready in a few minutes.

Come along, sweetheart.

Darrin?

Oh, hi, sweetheart.

- Hey. What's the matter? You look worried.
- I am.

Meiklejohn just renewed his contract
with us for five years.

Well, that's wonderful. What's the problem?

Well, since Mr and Mrs Meiklejohn decided
to turn the trip into a second honeymoon,

he's been acting like a teenager.

He calls his wife three or four
times a day, sends her flowers,

talks about her incessantly.

Well, I'm sure she doesn't mind.

Sam, you and I both know
he's under the influence of witchcraft.

Darrin, I have a surprise for you.
That love potion only lasts 24 hours.

You mean he really...

- I guess all he needed was a little push.
- Well, what do you know?

Sam, that was not funny.

So sue me. It was worth it.

Come here.