03x01 - The Man for the Job

[bunniefuu]

[ Oliver ]
♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Well, good morning.
What's for breakfast?
Name cakes.

Name cakes?
Hotcakes with names on them.

What?
That one is
an executive producer.

That was is a written by,
and we have a directed by
piece of toast.

There's nothing on that.

Well, the names just
stay on long enough for
their mothers to see them.

Lisa, have you been sniffing
your paprika again?

Oh-oh!

Well, they're ready.
Yes, uh, but I'm not.

We don't have time
for breakfast. We've got
to get into Drucker's.

Oh. Is this the big day
when we leave everything,
whatever it is,

and hit the dusty trail
to the big town "Hootersville"?

- Lisa--
- And then,
the thrilling moment,

when we enter
Drucker's "Empirium"...

and look at all the shelves
stuffed with champagne
from France,

caviar from Russia,
pâté de foie gras
from Strasbourg...

and mousetraps from
Boston, "Massochusetoots."

- Yeah. Massochusetoots.
That's the mousetrap state.
- Oh.

Lisa, if you don't want
to go in to Hooterville--

Oh, I wouldn't miss it.
I already got all my sh*ts
and my passport.

Get dressed!

Well, come on, Fred,
what is his name?

Well, now don't rush me.
I'll think of it.

His name is, uh,
uh, Clyde Hawkins,
that's who it is.

No, it's not.
Kimball, do you know what
our state senator's name is?

He don't even know
what his name is.

Now just a second, Fred.

I may be a little absentminded,
but I certainly know my own--

What is it you said
I didn't know?

I'm ashamed of you fellas,

not knowing the name of
the fella who represents you
in the state senate.

- It's Brad Collins.
- Isn't Brad Collins
the governor?

- No.
- Are you sure?

- I looked it up.
- Oh, you didn't
know either, huh?

Well, I had to check
the spelling for a story
I'm writing about him resigning.

I'd just like to bet you
10 cents that most people
don't know our senator's name.

I'll take that bet.
His name is, uh--

- Mr. Douglas.
- Mr. Douglas!

There.
Fred, you owe me 10 cents.

That ain't his name.

- I'll bet you who's-it's here
doesn't know his name either.
- Whose name?

I told you.
That's another dime
you owe me, Fred.

Just a second.
Give Mr. Douglas a chance.

Uh, Mr. Douglas, do you know
the name of our state senator?
Brad Collins.

- We'll give you one more try.
- How come you know it,
Mr. Douglas?

I make it a point
to know the names
of my representatives.

- Why?
- That's a good question, Fred.

I was gonna ask him
the same thing. Who?

That ain't the question.

How do you know?
You haven't heard
his answer yet.

Well, I feel
if you vote for anyone,
you should remember his name.

Oh, hello, there.
Good morning,
Mrs. Douglas.

How much do you
owe me, Fred?
I don't owe--

Double or nothing
Mrs. Douglas doesn't know.

Mrs. Douglas don't clutter up
her pretty little head with
dumb information like he does.

What is it
you want to know?

You don't happen to know
the name of our state senator,
do you?

Brad Collins.
How come you know that?

I saw it on the nasty letter
he wrote to you.
What nasty letter?

You know, in answer
to the nasty letter
you wrote to him.

Oh, it wasn't a nasty letter.

Well, he thought it was.
He said he didn't want
your stupid advice.

What kind of stupid advice
did you give him?

I just told him I thought
there ought to be some way
to balance the state budget.

- That's pretty stupid.
- Mr. Ziffel--

You won't be gettin' any more
nasty letters from Brad.
He's resigning.

- Why?
- No, the question is who.

No, that was
the other question.
Whatever it was.

Uh, Brad's had
enough of politics.

He figures he's at the age
where he ought to retire
and enjoy himself.

- How old is he?
- Ninety-two.

- Ninety-two?
- Yeah. He wants to get married
and raise a family.

Isn't that nice?

Well, it's impossible.

No, it isn't.
My father was 87
when I was born.

Oh, come on.

Well, he was. Otherwise,
how can you explain the fact
that I am only 22?

Mr. Douglas, if you and the
missus are gonna need anything,
you'd better order it now.

I got to be
in the state capitol
for a couple of days.

Oh, are you going to
the wedding?

No, I'm on the party
nominating committee.

We're gonna nominate somebody
to take Brad's place.

Oh, what party is that?
The Democratic or Republican?

Oh, we don't have them
in this state.

You don't?

Anything you gonna need,
Mrs. Douglas?

Yes. Here is
my shopping list.

- There's nothing on it.
- Well, I guess then
we don't need anything.

Have a good time,
Mr. Drucker.

Yes. Uh, be sure
you pick a good man.

Grover, as chairman of
this nominating committee,

I don't think that Claude Wee
would make a good state senator.
Why not, Dooly?

He's had plenty
of political experience.

Grover, runnin' a city dump
ain't political experience.

Maybe what we need
is a new image.

This time,
we ought to put up a feller
who can read and write.

- Brad could read and write.
- Not when he first started.

You know,
it wouldn't hurt
if we put up a college man.

There's a lot more
of 'em around today.

Either of you fellas
got anybody like that
in your town?

We got one.
Name's Oliver Wendell Douglas.

Oliver Wendell Douglas--
a three-namer.
Now they always work good.

You forgettin'
William Jennings Bryant?
He was a three-namer.

Well, Mr. Douglas ain't
no William Jennings Bryant,

- but he likes to make speeches.
- About what?

Oh, mostly about how the
American farmer is the backbone
of the American economy.

And how it was a farmer
that stood on the bridge
at Lexington...

and fired the sh*t
heard around the world.

Sounds like a radical to me.

Oh, not Mr. Douglas.
He's a real nice fella.

- Only customer I got
that pays cash.
- That's pretty radical.

Eh, how long you know this,
uh, Oliver Jennings Bryant?

- Oliver Wendell Douglas.
- Yeah. Well, how long you
known him?

Well, let's see,
it was about two years ago
that he walked into my store...

to have a deed to a farm
he'd just bought notarized.

Uh, good afternoon,
gentlemen.
[ All ] Afternoon.

- [ Grunting ]
- Uh, good after--

Uh, I'm, uh, looking
for Mr., uh, Drucker?

Oh, that's me.
Oh, my name is Douglas.
Oliver Wendell Douglas.

- Pleased to meet you.
- Douglas Oliver
Wendell Douglas?

You got enough name
for two fellers.

No-No. There's no Douglas
at the front of it. It's just
plain Oliver Wendell Douglas.

Well, that ain't
very plain.

I'm Joe Carson,
manager of the Shady Rest Hotel.
You lookin' for a place to stay?

- No. No I--
- I'm Floyd Smoot,
and that there's Fred Ziffel.

Well, I'm glad to meet you.
You too, Mr. Ziffel.

Yes, sir, howdy.
And this is Arnold.

- Arnold say hello to Mr., uh--
- Douglas.
Oliver Wendell Douglas.

Thought you said there wasn't
any Douglas in front of it?
There isn't.

Uh, I wonder if you could
help me, Mr. Drucker?
I'll be right with ya.

I don't want to miss my train.
I understand it leaves
for Pixley at 3:10.

Well, you've got
an hour and 20 minutes.
It's 3:05 now.

Yeah,
if you want to leave at 3:10,
you should have taken the 1:20.

I'm, uh, I'm supposed
to make a bus connection.

I've got to get back to
New York. Is there any other
way I can get to Pixley?

You could fly.
I could?

If you had a plane.
I don't have a plane.

Then I wouldn't
figure on flying.

You can drive to Pixley
if you want.

I haven't got a car.
Wanna rent one?

Yes. Where?
Pixley.

No, I'm going to
Pixley.

Well, you couldn't drive there
anyway. The road was washed out
by a flash flood.

Yeah. Sure was
a "lollapaloozer" of a rain.

When was that?
1928.

If I was you,
I-I'd figure on
takin' the train.

Meanwhile, if you're in a hurry
for somethin', help yourself.

I've got something
I want notarized.

Uh, they tell me
you're a notary public.

I am when I can
find my seal.

Doggone kids keep
borrowin' it to cr*ck walnuts.
Got the jaws all sprung.

Mr. Drucker,
I'd appreciate it
if you'd look for it.

This is a very
important document.

This is the deed
to the Haney place.
[ All ] The Haney place?

[ Squealing ]

That's right.

If you want to buy
some land for speculation,
I've got some bottomland--

Oh, no, no, no. I didn't buy
this for speculation. I'm gonna
live there and farm it.

[ All ] The Haney place?
My wife and I are
gonna be your neighbors.

Has your wife seen it?
No.

You seen it?
Oh, yes.

And you bought it?
Mm-hmm, that's right.

What business you in?
I'm an attorney.

Maybe you can sue Haney
and get your money back.
Joe.

Gentlemen, gentlemen,
this has been the dream
of my life to buy a farm,

move away from the city,
plow my own fields,
♪♪ [ Fife And Drum ]

plant my own soil,
to get my hands dirty!

♪♪ [ Continues ]
Sweat and strain
to make things grow,

to join hands with you,
the farmers,

the backbone of our economy.

♪♪ [ Fades ]
Sam, Mr. Douglas oughta have
that bottomland of mine.

Well, Mr. Douglas,
all I can tell you is,

we'll be mighty happy
to have you and your wife
livin' here in the valley.

And I must say,
we have been happy
havin' him live in the valley.

- Do you think he'd stand a good
chance of bein' elected?
- Yes, I do.

Dooly,
why don't you and me go down
and have a talk with him?

Meeting's adjourned.

Are you sure this dump
is where he lives?

Well, that's what Sam said.

Well, good.
Get him a lot of sympathy
from the voters.

How do you do?
Are you
William Jennings Oliver?

Uh, no, I'm Oliver William--

Oliver Wendell Douglas.

What do you think,
Dooly?
Well, he's tall enough.

Yeah, and he don't have
no spots on his tie.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, I'm Grover Simpson,
and this here is Dooly Watkins.

He's chairman of the state
senator nominating committee.

Mr. Drucker suggested we might
run you for state senator.

Me? Oh, why me?

He doesn't seem to have
much self-confidence,
does he?

Well--
Can we talk to you, sir?

Well, certainly.
Come in. Come in.

State senator.
[ Chuckles ]

Uh, gentlemen,
this is my wife, Lisa.
How do you do?

She ain't gonna hurt none.
Wow.

Uh, Lisa, this is Mr. Dooly,
Mr. Simpson.

They've, uh, come to talk
to me about nominating me
for state senator.

- I don't think
he could get elected.
- What?

- He's never been
a movie star.
- What?

Well, don't you have to
be on the Late, Late Show
to get elected?

Uh, that's only when
you're running for governor.

And then there was this fellow
who had to be a singer
and a dancer to get in.

He was running for
United States senator.

Oh. Don't you have to have any
talent to be a state senator?

Yes, you have to have--
Oh, won't you gentlemen
sit down?

Uh, thank you.
Oh, uh, t-thank you.

You sh**t this sofa
yourself, did ya?

Oh, uh, no, no,
we-we bought that at--

- Sam said
you went to college.
- Yes. Harvard.

Harvard, huh? Well, I don't
know how folks will feel
about them European colleges.

No, no. Harvard
is in Massachusetts.

Oh, well, as long
as they've got a branch
in this country, why--

No, it isn't a branch.

You ever serve
in the armed forces?

Well, yes,
I was in the air force.

- A desk job?
- No, I was a fighter pilot.

Well, how long did you
serve in World w*r I?

World w*r II.

- Who was that one with?
- That one was with--

Sam said when you lived in
New York you was a lawyer.

- Yes, I was.
- Uh, why'd you come out here?

Well, because all my life,
I-I wanted to be a farmer.

I wanted to get away from
the rat race of the city,
♪♪ [ Fife And Drum ]

come out
and breathe the fresh air,
live in the sunshine,

plant the little seeds
in the rich brown earth,

watch them push themselves
up threw the soil,

reaching up toward the blue sky
and the sunshine...

until they become corn
and wheat and alfalfa.

- ♪♪ [ Ends ]
- That's a nice speech.

- Did you like the fife?
- How's that?

She always thinks
she hears a fife.
[ Chuckles ]

Uh, what I'm trying to say
is that I love growing things.

Yes. Even when
we lived in Park Avenue,
in a penthouse,

he had a pots farm.

A pots farm?

Well, I grew corn
in flowerpots.

He thought more about his corn
than he thought about me.

No. No, that's not true.

Do you remember that night on
our wedding anniversary, we were
all dressed up to go out...

and his corn got sick
and he called Dr. Faber.

Dr. Faber.
I hurried over as soon as I got
Oliver's message. Where is he?

Out on the terrace.
What's wrong with him?

I don't know. We were just
going out to the party...

and something went wrong
with his ears.

Dr. Faber.
I didn't want you to come over.
I just wanted you to call me.

They said it was urgent.
What's wrong with your ears?

Uh, they're full
of corn borers.

Oh, well, there's
a lot of that going--

What?
It's my corn crop.
It's infected with corn borers.

Doctor, look at
that ear of corn.

Do you know where I was
when I got your message?

I was at the theater.
Front row, center.

It took me four months
to get those tickets
for Hello, Doctor.

And just as
the curtain was going up,
I got an emergency call.

And I rushed over
here and what do I find?
You've got a sick corn!

Where's your sense
of humanity?

The least you can do
is examine the corn.

I am an obstetrician.

Everybody's
a specialist nowadays!

Where's the old-fashioned
corn doctor?

[ Man ]
Quiet up there!
Shut up yourself!

Oliver.
That's New York.

A man's crop is sick,
nobody cares.
Including me.

Maybe I can get back
to the theater before
the play is over.

What about my corn?

Take it over to Bellevue!
Let them look at it!

While you're there,
have them examine your head.

Mr. Douglas, did you
take the doctor's advice
and have your head examined?

There was nothing wrong
with my head.

I was just worried
about my crops.
I still worry about them.

- Mr. Douglas, how do you get
along with your neighbors?
- Fine.

- You mind if we talk to them?
- Help yourself.

Yes, gentlemen,
what can I do for you?

Well, I'm Dooly Watkins
and this is Grover Simpson.
Now we'd like to ask you--

[ Horn Honking ]
Excuse me, gentlemen.

Arnold, here's
the school bus waitin'!

Now, gentlemen, what was it
you was gonna ask me?

Oh, uh, we're makin' a kind
of a political survey about
who to run for state senator.

Well, now, my choice would be
William Jennings Bryant.

Give me a three-namer
any day.

What about
Oliver Wendell Douglas?
Would you vote for him?

Well, all things being equal,
such as nobody runnin'
agin him, yeah.

- Don't you like him?
- Oh, yes, he's a fine man.

Change his vest
at the drop of a hat.

Would you say
he was civic-minded?

Mr. Douglas? Why, yes.
He's got more civic on his mind
than most people.

Is he a member of
any local organizations?

Oh, yes. He hadn't
been here two weeks...

till he showed up
at rehearsal to join our
volunteer fire department band.

♪♪ [ Marching: Off-key ]

Would you mind
moving back?
What?

I said, would you mind
moving back?

- No talking in the ranks.
- I can't hear.

Ralph is playing the cymbal
right in my ear.

A little more "appegio," Ralph.

- Candidate Douglas,
what were you playing?
- When?

When the rest
of them were goin'--

♪ Da da da
Da da da da da da ♪♪

♪♪ [ Guitar ]

Ohh!

Could I move somewhere else?

No. We've got you placed
"acroustrically."

Now let's practice
the marching formation.

Now in this formation,
the band will form
a fire helmet.

Oh, on hearing my whistle,
start marching.

[ Whistle Blows ]

♪♪ [ Off-key ]

[ Whistle Blowing ]

Hold it! Hold it!

Now the top part
of the helmet's okay, but
the brim needs a little work.

Now lets line up
and try it again.

And Mr. Douglas
has been a member
of our band ever since.

Who else would you suggest
we talk to about him?

Well, you might try Haney.

I'll be glad to tell you
anything about Mr. Douglas
that I can.

Uh, fine.
He's, uh-- Oh, I'm
forgettin' my manners.

Would you fellas
like some sarsaparilla?

Why, we'd love some.
Mr. Douglas is
not only a gentleman,

but he is generous
to a fault.
[ Chuckles ]

There you are.
Well, thank you.

[ Grover ] Thanks.
That will be 10 cents
apiece, please.

- Ten cents?
- Unless you're figurin' on
drinkin' 'em someplace else,

then they'll be a four-cent
deposit on the bottles.

Uh, no,
we'll drink 'em here.

Would you care to
rent a bottle opener?

Uh, no, thanks. I think
I've got one on my Kn*fe.

That ain't legal
in Hooterville.

How much for
the bottle opener?

Five cents for
the first three minutes.

Now, you were gonna tell us
somethin' about Mr. Douglas.

Oh, well, he's--
By the way,

how much did you say
you was payin' for
this information?

We're not payin'
anything.

You're not payin'
anything?

Well, no.

Well, I'm sorry.
It's the rule of the house.

Don't say
nothin' nice about nobody
unless you get paid for it.

Good day, gentlemen.

[ Sawing ]

You say you've done work
for Mr. Douglas?
That's right.

What kind of a man
is he?

- You mean when
he's not a sorehead?
- Yeah.

- He's a hothead.
- He doesn't get along
with labor?

Well, he never
came right out and hit me,
if that's what you mean.

Would you say he'd make
a good state senator?

Yeah, I guess he would,
if he didn't have to attend
any ribbon-cutting ceremonies.

- I don't understand.
- Well, there was a time
my brother and I...

just finished redoing
his bedroom, and we were gonna
to have a grand opening.

What's that?
Ribbon, for the
ribbon-cuttin' ceremonies.

Oh, this is a bedroom,
not-not a freeway.

Oh, darling,
if they want to have a ribbon,
let them have a ribbon.

All right.
Give me the scissors,
I'll cut the ribbon.

Not so fast.
There's a ceremony
goes with it.

Oh, this is ridiculous.
Mr. Douglas, we worked
hard on this job.

- Hard!
- We're proud of our work.

- Proud.
- This is an occasion.

An occasion.
Yeah.

All right,
let me cut the ribbon.

Not so fast. Ralph.

♪♪ [ Bugle ]

Hey, that's
pretty impressive.
Well, now can I--

♪♪ [ Continues ]

- You finished?
- ♪♪ [ Single Note ]

Now?
Not so fast.
I-I have a short speech.

Oh, please,
let me cut the ribbon.

Oh, darling, I would like
to hear his speech.

Thank you.
[ Sighs ]

Ladies and gentlemen, we are
gathered here today to pay
tribute to the Monroe brothers.

All right, now
give me the scissors!
I'm not-- I'm not through.

Yes, you are
and get off the furniture.

Have you got the scissors,
Ralph?
I only brought the bugle.

Oh, they're out in the truck.
Will you play something else?
No, never mind! Never mind!

Well, that isn't official,
but I guess it's all right
to go in.

The thing that hurt
so much is...

after we went to
all that trouble,
he didn't like the bedroom.

Well, what did he--
Excuse me. I have a call
my brother. It's lunchtime.

Dooly, I think
that we best--
♪♪ [ Bugle ]

You haven't heard
from them yet?
No.

They should have been able
to make up their minds by now.

They asked everybody
in the valley about you.

They even asked me
a lot of questions.
What did you tell them?

I just told them the truth,
as I saw it.

That's probably why
I haven't heard from them.

No, sir. I told them
what a fine man you are...

and what a big raise
you're gonna give me.

I'm not gonna
give you a raise.
[ Lisa ] Oliver!

Mr. Drucker is here.
Oh, hello, Mr. Drucker.
What have you heard?

- Well, the verdict's in.
You're out.
- Oh.

Brad Collins ain't
gonna resign after all.

You see, his fiancée
broke the engagement.
They ain't gonna get married.

Why did she
change her mind?

Well, she figures he's
a little too young for her.
He's 92 and she's 96.

She couldn't go along with
Brad's idea of settlin' down
and raisin' a family.

Well, I can
understand that.
Sorry, Mr. Douglas.

Yeah, better luck
next time.
Thank you.

Oh, don't feel too badly
over it, darling.
Well, I--

- You would've made
a wonderful state senator.
- Thank you.

And you would've been
proud of me when you saw me
in the new wardrobe I ordered.

You ordered a--

Do you want me to make you
some hotcakes to cheer you up?

How would that cheer me up?

When you get over the heartburn,
you always feel so good.

You start the hotcakes,
and I'll get the bicarbonate.

[ Lisa ] This has been
a Filmways presentation,
darling.