04x03 - Jealousy

[bunniefuu]

We need an article
about the basketball squad,

and you're just the guy to write it,
Harvey.

- It'll be fun.
- "It'll be fun."

I need to use the phone.
Wrap it up, lady.

Oh, that's just our lonely,
crazy neighbour.

He came over to borrow more tinfoil
for his hat.

SALEM: Gah?
- I'll talk to you at school.

- Hey, it's my turn. This isn't fair.
- Write a letter to PETA.

Yes, I'd like to order
a dozen long-stem roses

for Principal Willard Kraft
at Westbridge High School.

Yes, I've met him.

- Roses? Did he die?
- I just like him.

That's a shame
now that he's passed on.

Well, enough with the "boohoo."
Pass me the phone.

- Hey.
- Why so anxious to talk on the phone?

I need to call into Nick Bakay's
sports show on ESPN Radio.

All he ever talks about
is the Buffalo Bills.

And his voice. Lord, is it annoying.

Whatever Aunt Hilda's talking about
is more important than that.

Yes, I'd like to reserve a floor buffer.

- Great, ciao.
SALEM: Finally.

I tell you, I'm sick of being the only guy
in a houseful of hens.

- Ugh!
- Ooh. That's gonna cost you.

Gah? Oh!

Turn me back. Turn me back.

The Other Realm announced
that they'll pay cash money

for each empty potion bottle.
Got any?

You know, I have this strange ritual
I perform with empty things.

I throw them away.

I'm sure there are some
in the basement.

If there's half as much glassware
as mouse droppings,

this witch is Aruba-bound.

Why is it as soon
as I get out all my winter clothes,

we suddenly get
stupid Indian summer?

I believe the correct term is
"stupid Native American summer."

You're gonna get a break with this
unseasonably warm weather, Sabrina.

Brad's witch-hunting gene
will be dormant.

Yeah, besides the fact that you'll be
wearing wool during a heat wave,

should be an easy week.

Sabrina, you've got mail.

Maybe Valerie finally tore herself away
from her new friends to write me.

Oh, great, Mr. Kraft just gave me
detention over the computer.

- What did you do?
- Breathe.

You know, something
has been bothering Willard lately.

I think I'm gonna have him over
for lunch today.

Maybe some tuna salad and coleslaw
will help him reveal his true feelings.

And I shall happily take refuge

in the damp squalor
we call a basement.

Aunt Zelda, I think it's a great idea
to have Mr. Kraft over for lunch.

That'll be minutes
where he can't make my life miserable.

He's always nice to me.

- So have you heard from Valerie?
- Yeah, she's doing great.

Apparently Disneyland
isn't the happiest place on Earth,

Anchorage is.

Don't tell the people in Juneau.

Hey, I decided to do that sports article
for you.

Great. Let's talk money.
There is none.

Well, you got yourself a deal.

Except I'm gonna need some help
writing it.

Oh, I'll be glad to help. It'll be fun,
and it'll take my mind off Valerie.

But I already asked Brad to help me.

- What?
- Don't worry, he's a great writer.

He won a contest
in the second grade.

Oh, well, maybe you can fit his trip
to Grandma's into the article.

What's up, guys? Hey,
so did you tell her about my idea yet?

Brad thinks we should interview
the towel boys,

promise anonymity,
and get a real inside look at the team.

Yeah, that's an interesting idea,
unfortunately.

We're on it.

What's that saying?
"Two's company, three's pathetic"?

Whenever Mr. Kraft talks,
he spews verbal anthr*x.

Valerie would've loved that line.

And I wouldn't be talking to myself
right now.

Wasn't this a nice idea?

You get a home-cooked lunch,
and we get a chance to talk.

- What is this, the Inquisition?
- Something's been bothering you.

Whoa-ho-ho.
Look at the time, I gotta run.

Those kids don't yell at themselves.

Well, at least let me put a sandwich
in a bag for you.

Well, I do love tuna.

- I can't get Willard to talk.
- You've done wonders with him.

You think I should cast
an Honest and Vulnerable Spell?

Yes, it'll make his feelings as open
as his mouth is when he's chewing.

I'll do it.

- Here's your sandwich.
- Thank you. Gotta run.

Are you sure you don't wanna tell me
what's been bothering you?

It's Wally.

- Wally?
- My brother.

Sure, I got the good name,
but he got everything else:

looks, charm, a personality.

Now he's coming to visit.

Well, so you'll put up with him
for a few days

and then say goodbye
to Perfect Pete.

No, it's "Wally."
And you don't understand.

He's stolen every girlfriend
I've ever had

and many that I just claimed to have.

Oh, Willard, you're not worried?

Well, you're just--
You're so breathtakingly beautiful.

- He's gonna wanna steal you.
- Oh, you're so vulnerable.

And so honest.

HILDA: How did it go?
- Wonderfully.

Did you remove the spell?

No, I like him honest and vulnerable.
Besides, what could it hurt?

And sometimes
when I sleep at night,

I am so consumed with self-doubt
that I suck my thumb.

Okay, this is new,
getting sick before lunch.

Oh, hey, Brad and I are having a blast
with that article.

Thanks for making me do it.

Sure, anything to bring you
and Brad closer together.

SALEM:
If that's my novel,

heh-heh, the character Tabrina
is really a composite.

This is Harvey and Brad's article.

It took them all of homeroom to write it,
so it's gotta be good.

Hey, leave the sarcasm
to the professionals.

You know,
I really should be supportive of Harvey

and give Brad the benefit
of the doubt.

But I bet this article really bites.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, man.

I haven't read sports writing this good
since the glory days of Jimmy Cannon.

Oh, what would you know?

So the phrases are witty
and the metaphors are imaginative.

- It's still bad writing.
- Yeah, Pulitzer-bad.

[CHUCKLES]

Bye, monkey.

So it's settled.

Willard and his brother
are coming to dinner,

and I'm going to show him
that I'm immune to Wally's charms.

Too bad you're not immune
to Willard.

My, but you have found a lot
of empty potion bottles.

Not really. Suddenly I remembered,
we're witches.

One point and we've got more empties
than Boris Yeltsin's trash can.

Hilda.

[TOASTER DINGS]

"Attention: Redeeming
magically reproduced bottles

will result in a heavy fine
and unreachable itching."

- Good.
- Does Big Brother never sleep?

[TOASTER DINGS]

"No."

- So you wanna join us for dinner?
- No, thanks.

I'd rather wade
through ankle-deep dust

and breathe bacteria-laden spores
than eat with two Krafts.

- So you'll be in the basement?
- Until I can afford Aruba.

Oh, for Pete's sake.

No, if you won't respect my opinion
that this writing is garbage,

maybe you'll believe
some professionals.

- Mr. Twain?
- Quite amusing.

- Oh, stop breathing steamboat fumes.
- This essay's the thing.

Oh, like you really wrote any
of your own plays.

SALEM:
Miss Dickinson?

- This shows real talent.
- Shut-in.

[LIQUID BUBBLING]

Uh-oh. You're making the sound
witches make

when jealousy is percolating.

I am not jealous.

I mean, just because Harvey
has a new best friend

who he likes more than me, and his
new friend is more talented than I am,

and my old best friend is in Alaska
with her new best friend, big deal.

[LIQUID BUBBLING]

I thought I was your best friend.

[LIQUID BUBBLING]

Sabrina,
are you percolating with jealousy?

No, I'm bubbling over with ideas.

You have to be careful, honey,
you could develop jealotosis,

a condition
where jealousy gets out of control.

- Well, that doesn't sound very good.
- You can fight it.

All you have to do is be very happy
for the person you're jealous of.

So I have to accept that Harvey has a
new best friend and be happy for him.

I can do that. I can be happy for him.

- Well, good.
- How happy?

Hey, Sabrina,
did you read our article?

I still have to look at it,
but I'm happy for you.

If it's too short, let us know
because while we were at the arcade,

Brad thought up
a couple more great jokes.

I'm happy for you.

If I sometimes seem irritable,

it's because
I have inoperable haemorrhoids.

I'm happy for you.

Come on, Harv, let's go work
on our Government project together.

[LIQUID BUBBLING]

[SIGHS]

I really was happy for Mr. Kraft.

- Sabrina.
- Oh, uh...

Just wearing the shades to be cool.
Nothing to be concerned about.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, that must be Willard and Wally.

No, no, no, even at my age,

the right pacifier
can be really comforting.

- Stop revealing these things to me.
- Oh, dear, the Vulnerability Spell.

But in the deepest depths of my soul,
I still believe that--

That was some football game
on Sunday, huh?

Yeah, well, here goes.

- Zelda, Wally. Wally, Zelda.
- You sold her short, Willard.

She's more beautiful
than a Monet painting.

Oh, my, my.

You are the second-most charming
Kraft I've ever met.

- You've met Mother.
- Oh-ho-ho.

And it starts.

Someone has stolen our potions--

Oh, I'm sorry. I overdressed.

And who is this dust storm
of enchantment?

Hilda. But you can call me
"dust storm of enchantment."

WALLY AND HILDA: Ha-ha-ha.
- Hilda,

- I'd like you to meet my brother.
- Some other time.

Right now
I'd like to get to know this cutie. Heh.

I think he likes her.

Yes. I'm happy for them.

[SALEM GASPING]

Sabrina, you woke me up.

Whatever happened
to quiet desperation?

I have to find a spell
but can't see anything.

Well, remove the shades,
Miss Pulp Fiction.

Dear Lord, you're green with envy.
You have jealotosis.

Jealousy will take over you
and your world.

[SOBBING]
All is lost.

[NORMAL VOICE]
But I wouldn't worry about it.

Here it is. "The cure to jealotosis:
Jealousy must run its natural course."

Ugh. Since when did this book start
taking a holistic approach to magic?

Maybe all you need
is a good night's sleep.

Right, and tomorrow I'll wake up
and be happy for Harvey and Brad.

Behold,
the first envy-powered night-light.

[SALEM MUTTERING]

SALEM: Is the glow gone?
- You know what?

I am so sick of Harvey
and his friend Brad always laughing,

having fun, making plans.

On the plus side, heh, you look rested.

You know, Dreama's not even around
for me to hang out with.

But you know what? I'm a witch.
I can have any best friend I want.

Tara Lipinski.

What's going on?
I was at the rink, and now--

You're my new best friend.

Come on, let's get ready for school.

Now I have no reason
to be jealous of anyone.

Hey, gold-metal girl,
show me a triple Lutz.

Hey, she's my friend, not yours.

Don't you wanna ask
about last night?

Didn't you notice
how Wally and I really hit it off?

No, not really.

You know, when I'm with Willard,

I can't help
but shut out the rest of the world.

Well, the feeling is mutual
on the part of the rest of the world.

Anyway,
Wally and I have so much in common.

He loves literature, art, science--

You have no interest
in those subjects.

I do now.

Wally's gonna take me
to the van Gogh exhibit.

You're kidding.

I've been hinting to Willard
to take me there.

But the Babylon convention
should be culturally enriching.

Well, I'm off to school
with my new best friend, Tara Lipinski.

Can't believe he's taking you
to van Gogh.

Attention, everyone,
all detention is cancelled because:

[SINGS]
My brother didn't steal my gal

Man, I've never seen Mr. Kraft
so happy.

You weren't here last year
for the public caning.

Oh, yeah, laugh all you want,
but I've got a new best friend now too.

Tara Lipinski. I'm in love.

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

Wow. It's great having a best friend.

There's so many places we can go
where I can stand off to the side

while everyone pays attention to her
and she doesn't even notice I'm alive.

Wally and I just had
the most divine lunch at Chez Maurice.

You and Willard
have probably never been there,

because there's no drive-through.

Willard and I
had a very nice lunch today.

The food at Custer's has improved.
I didn't even chip a tooth this time.

Did I show you the flowers
Wally brought me?

Willard and I have a relationship
that's so strong,

he doesn't need to give me presents.

Oh, really? Oh.

What's this, then?

"Zelda, keep this handy
for the next monster-truck show."

Give me that.

Sabrina, even though I'm in the middle
of a psychotic episode,

I liked your friends, especially Brad.

Oh, yeah, everyone likes Brad,
everyone likes you.

Well, you know what? You can just
find yourself a new best friend.

Sabrina, would you remove
your dark glasses, dear?

Oh, I would,
but it's like a tanning salon in here.

Sabrina.

Oh, no,
you've got full-blown jealotosis.

Or a lousy brand of contacts.

I know.
I'm gonna hide away in your room.

- My room?
- It's better than my little dinky one.

Oh, wow, this is a bad case
if she's envying your decor.

Sabrina, you can't hide away.

Jealotosis can't run its course
unless you're out in public

encountering people
who have things you want.

Wow, you know so much.
I envy that. Stop.

Honey, when you're older,
it'll be easier to control your jealousy.

Oh, like the way
you're controlling your jealousy

over my relationship with Wally?

Oh, I'm afraid
you're confusing jealousy with pity.

Why don't I have someone
to argue with?

Sabrina, go back to school
and envy someone your own age.

Cool outfit. See? That was good.
I wasn't jealous at all.

I got an A. I got an A.

Hey, why should you get an A
and not me?

- You're not in the class?
- Right.

And I didn't even wanna
be in that class.

And I'm not jealous of you a bit.
Not a bit.

- Hi, Sabrina.
- You seem happy.

I don't wanna be happy.
That's not something I crave.

- You read the article?
- Yeah, but I'm not publishing it. Ha!

There. Now you're not so happy
anymore, are you, Señor Happy?

Now you got nothing I want.

- Hey, Sabrina.
- Don't try to act innocent with me.

I saw you cosying up to the lunch lady.
What does it for you, support hose?

- Ah. Are you okay?
- Why wouldn't I be?

I'm a better writer than Brad,

and I look better in a hairnet
than Mrs. Hornbuckle.

What's the matter, jealous?

I don't care if you have a secret.
I don't like secrets.

What's the secret?

I'm really glad
that you and Hilda have hit it off

because she never cared much
for me.

Well, that's what's great
about my relationship with her.

We seem to agree on everything.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Why should Mr. Kraft
have a best friend and not me?

Why should he get to be happy
and not me?

Why does he--?
Oh, no. I'm jealous of Mr. Kraft.

[WATER SPLASHING]

Salem, where am I?

Congratulations, Sabrina,
you're in the Jealous Sea.

The Jealous Sea?

I didn't come up with the name,
I just work here, so get off my back.

Well, what is this place?

It's your kind of place,

a place where you have everything
and everyone else has nothing.

My classmates,
what happened to them?

SALEM: Good news.
They all had to drop out of school.

Now they've entered the exciting field
of menial labour.

Now you will be the only one
to get good grades.

That's not good news, I didn't--
Hey, you missed a spot.

- What am I saying?
KRAFT: So cold.

No clothes, no job, no food,
and this barrel's a rental.

Mr. Kraft.
Can't we do something for him?

Not mention that the barrel
makes him look heavy?

Anyway, you can't be happy
as long as he's happy, right?

But...

Harvey.

Sabrina,
I don't have a best friend anymore.

So quit your bellyaching.
You still have Sabrina.

Yeah, but it was kind of nice
having a best friend too.

I'm gonna miss him.

I know, that's exactly how I felt
when Valerie moved away.

I don't want you
to go through that too.

- Salem, do something.
- This is what you wanted.

I didn't want this.

Oh, why couldn't I have just
been happy for Harvey?

Yeah,
and why can't I find better work

than being a know-it-all
in a subconscious daydream?

- Dream?
- Sabrina?

Sabrina, are you okay?

If everyone has what they want,
it doesn't diminish what I have.

- Absolutely. Did she hit her head?
- I don't know.

No, really, think about it.

If everyone else has great stuff,
it doesn't take away the things I have.

I'm happy to hear you say that.
Let's go to the nurse.

No, no, no, I'm fine.

Can I have everyone's attention?

I apologise
for the way I've been behaving.

And I want you all to get good grades
and not become janitors,

unless the custodial work
is your passion.

Oh, Brad, I'm gonna publish the article
that you and Harvey wrote.

- It's excellent.
- Why did you reject it before?

Running a newspaper
is a very complicated business,

but mainly, I was just being a jerk.

- I gotta go apologise to Mr. Kraft now.
- Okay, that's it.

You're going to the nurse.

I just heard from the Other Realm.

Sabrina's back from the Jealous Sea,
and her jealotosis is gone.

Oh, good.

Do you remember
when we were teenagers

and the Jealous Sea
had the best Club Med?

Yeah, it's also made me remember
that a person can be happy for others

- without diminishing what she has.
- Uh-huh.

And I just wanna say
that I've been acting jealous,

and I'm sorry.

I want you and Wally
to have a great time tonight.

Thanks, Zellie.
I'm sure we'll enjoy the ballet.

I mean, handsome men in tights,
how bad can it be? Ha-ha.

- The ballet?
- Uh-huh.

I mentioned that to Willard
months ago, and I get nothing.

[RUMBLING]

I'm glad I didn't tell you
we have orchestra seats.

Oh, let me guess.

This is the way mature witches
handle their jealousy.

I can't believe I blew like that.

What is your problem?
Do you wanna date Wally?

No, I'm not jealous
because he likes you.

I'm jealous because Wally takes you
to all the places

I want Willard to take me.

I may be a younger,
less mature witch,

but it seems that if you want Mr. Kraft
to take you places,

instead of waiting for him to ask you,
why don't you ask him?

You're right. I'm going to.

I'm going to ask Willard Kraft
to the ballet.

[MUSIC FROM "SWAN LAKE"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[SNORING]

- Hey.
- Oh, hi, Harvey.

Hey, I understand the article
you and Brad wrote was a big hit.

People seemed to like it.

Like it? You should've seen
he and Brad walk into class.

It was like Lillian Hellman walking
into Sardi's after The Little Foxes.

So you ready to start the next one?

Yeah, let's go get Brad
and start brainstorming.

You know what? Do you think just
the two of us could work on this one?

- Really?
- Yeah.

I don't know if you're aware of it,

but Brad and I have been
spending a lot of time together lately.

Really? Heh. I hadn't noticed.

- So how was your date with Harvey?
- Great, we went to the Slicery.

All of our friends were there,
most of them at our table,

so we're gonna ease
into the "spending time alone" thing.

- How was your date with Wally?
- Well, he's not really my type.

We didn't have that much in common,
and I really don't like his cologne.

- So are you going out again?
- Tuesday.

I just finished an experiment.
Thought I'd save you the potion bottle.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, I thought you were gonna
cash those in for a trip.

I was, and then I remembered,
I'm a witch.

HILDA:
I'll be back when I get a tan.