04x19 - The Wild, Wild Witch

[bunniefuu]

Done yet?

Done yet?

Your books
are an unmitigated disaster.

- I haven't even begun.
- No hurry.

Take your time.

I was up planning the senior sleigh ride
and now I can't find my backpack.

It's right here
where you left it hours ago,

which begs the question,
did you do any homework?

Did I mention I managed to book

an entire team of Clydesdales
and mull cider?

Sabrina,
you know homework comes first.

Unless it's something icky
like bookkeeping.

Come on, I'm .
I can vote in two realms.

I can be in charge of organising
my own schedule.

I'm sorry, but if you live under our roof,
you live under our rules.

Oh, Lord, I've swallowed Mother.

Fine.

Your stupid roof, your stupid rules.

Oh, the frigid wind of teen rebellion.

Oh, look, the blimp.

Everyone's talking about
how cool the sleigh ride's gonna be.

Oh, it's great, but did anyone offer
to do my calculus homework?

You know, sugar-induced comas
aren't all they're cracked up to be.

Last night, coach made a new rule.

Only three sodas a week, I reached
my quota before he finished talking.

I'm sure it was the carbonation
he objected to.

There you are. I was getting worried.

- Do you have the article?
- Almost. I just have to write it down.

But the deadline is tonight.

If you're not ready, I can always run
that profile of our AFS student, Grindl.

No, I have a great headline story.
I'll get it to you by press time.

Well, going against everything
that I stand for in gut.

Okay.

I'm working today
at the coffeehouse.

I'll have all the time to finish it.

Just my luck. Everyone in Westbridge
must've read the news item:

Caffeine makes you live longer.

I either bury this sweater
or learn how to knit.

Bury.

What's this? Sparkly, warm.

Mother of mercy,
it's a flake of magic.

One small French Roast, cents.

What are you doing?
You can't just give stuff away.

Oh, he paid for the coffee,
I just gave him some free foam.

We've got lots.

Surprisingly,

businesses are very touchy
about giving stuff away for free.

You could get suspended.

Okay, I really don't do it that often.

No, that's okay.
I'm gonna wait for her.

Salem, there is not a vein of magic
running under the house.

It's probably just some leftover
magic dust from centuries of spells.

She's right. Every spring cleaning,

I'm covered with enough sparkle
to skate with Oksana Baiul.

But go ahead
and use your little spark.

Stand back.

I found magic through a legal route

Help me get the rest of the loot

Jedediah Orenstein,
magic prospector at your service.

SALEM:
Yahoo! Let's go dig for magic.

I would have bet money

that he would have conjured up
a snow-cone machine.

We're screening The Godfather
here tonight.

You coming?

[IN GODFATHER VOICE]
Oh, that is an offer I can't refuse.

Oh, I didn't know
you could do Cary Grant.

It starts at .

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, but my curfew's at .

Oh, man, a curfew. That's cute.

Hey, you know, it's a part of my deal
with my parole officer.

Please, just extend it to : ?

- You blew the roof off this morning.
- It was a joke.

And we already extended
your curfew for the sleigh ride.

Fine.

I'll just watch enough of The Godfather
to think it's a feel-good movie.

I know it was a long, long time ago,
but were we rebellious teens?

No way. We were too busy
gathering posies to ward off the plague.

You're gonna write your article and do
your homework during the movie?

Yeah, how distracting
can a Mafia family be?

[g*nf*re & TYRES SCREECHING]

Nothing but dirt.

You gotta have patience.

I remember back
in the magic rush of ,

it took weeks before I struck it rich.

What happened to all your magic?

Typical story.

Racehorses, showgirls, mahjongg.

Salem, I think we struck.

SALEM:
Ugh! Argh!

A sewage line.

[SOBS]

I should have gotten
a snow-cone machine.

Finally, I have brought order
to the chaos of Hilda's clock shop.

Found these under my bed.

Oh, great.

More receipts. And a sock.

Coach was right.

I've never felt more alive
since I switched to water.

I haven't even finished a paragraph.

We've been here for two hours.
Maybe some water would help.

Two hours? It's after .

- I'm dead.
- You're dead.

Get home now. No more excuses.

But...

Besides breaking curfew,
there's another little matter.

QUICK [ON MACHINE]:
Hello, this is Mrs. Quick.

I have a message for Sabrina.

[IN ANGRY TONE] Where
the blue blazes is your article?

[IN NICE TONE]
Sorry to disturb you at home.

Well, I have one thing to say
about Mrs. Quick:

I'm guessing
you haven't done your homework.

No, I was going to
right after I got home.

I mean,
right after I typed up my article.

Sabrina, Hilda is right.

You're dead.
You are grounded for a week.

- But...
- That means no sleigh ride.

No sleigh ride.

Really?

Oh, come on.
I'm just hurting myself here.

Oh, I'm really starting to hate rules.

No sleigh ride?

Do you really think
I like being the disciplinarian?

- Kind of.
- Well, for your information,

I would much rather be out
singing and dancing.

With William Bennett
and George Will.

Can't believe you can't go
on the sleigh ride.

I was up half the night.
I was so excited.

No, because you were
amped up on sugar.

You'd better be careful,
if that stuff wears off, you could crash.

Well, thank you very much.

And the Grindl story
came with photos.

Mrs. Quick, wait...

Loitering and littering.

I swear, this claim is drier

than Macon County
on a Sunday morning.

Just keep digging,
sourdough breath.

You know,
I'm getting plumb tired of taking orders

from a talking gerbil
who's got more fleas than brains.

Says the yokel who hasn't bathed
since the McKinley administration.

- Why, you little...
- You're going down-- Ah!

[RUMBLING]

More sewage.

- It's magic.
- We're rich.

- We've struck magic.
- We're rich.

JEDEDIAH:
I'll get you.

Can't go on the sleigh ride,
I'm grounded for a week,

I screwed up the paper,
and my teacher is mad at me.

Excuse me, this is a little bland.

- Could I get an extra sh*t of vanilla?
- Oh, yeah, sure.

Anyway, on the positive side,
at least things can't get any worse.

Sabrina,
you cannot give away free syrup.

I can't believe I have to say this,
but you're suspended.

Take my advice. Never ever,
ever say things can't get worse.

Why, you look gloomier

than a one-legged dog
at a tap-dance recital.

Well, thanks to everyone's rules,
I'm stuck in my room,

I've lost my job, and I'm being
compared to a crippled canine.

I wanna be in charge of my own life.

Well, it sounds like you need to go

to a place
where you get to make the rules.

But I'm too old for Chuck E. Cheese
and I can't afford my own island.

I know a good place for you to go.

I'm almost positive
this isn't my room.

So this is the old coot's idea
of an ideal vacation.

I guess he couldn't book me
at Club Med Rwanda.

See how they like it when they don't
have somebody to enforce the law.

- I swear, the first person I run into--
- Aunt Zelda?

Congratulations.

- You're the new sheriff.
- Ow!

I'm sick of being the boss.

It's up to you now. Good luck.

With what?
The job or cauterising the wound?

Now I can do
what I've always wanted to do.

Rise to the highest position
a woman can rise to.

Dance-hall girl.

Call me Frenchy.

Aunt Frenchy?

Howdy, partners.

It's okay, everyone.
Go back to your bridge games.

- Just the sheriff.
- Aunt Hilda?

Miss Hildie. I own the place.

Welcome to the Wild West.

It looks more like the Sedate West.

Well, we try to live
by a few simple guidelines.

Wow, that's a lot of rules.
No water before a.m.?

We only have one bathroom.

Excuse me, who coughed
without covering their mouth?

Who broke number ?

Wait.

You think that no-water rule
is tough?

You should see number .

No sarsaparilla, ever.

And yet there's no rule
against silly hats?

I'm Deputy Fizz.

If there's anything you need
for me to do, just...

Oh, it's my turn for the bathroom.

Can someone please explain to me
what's going on here?

Quickdraw's the name,
editing is my game.

I know everything there is to know
about this town.

Thanks. You've been a big help.

All you need to know is,
it's your job to enforce the rules.

And you make all the rules.

Oh, well, in that case...

Hey, no standing on chairs.

- Josh?
- Don't know him.

- You could check the bathroom.
- Never mind.

As sheriff,
I'm adding a new rule to the list.

Of course you are.

Ten seconds, and the power
goes straight to their head.

The new rule is, there are no rules.

[CROWD CHEERING]

How about a song, Frenchy?

[SINGING] Camp town ladies
Sing this song

Doodah, doodah

And sarsaparillas are on the house.

Sheriff, I think I love you.

I think I'm gonna like this place.

Three cheers for the new sheriff.

[CROWD CHEERING]

I love this town
and I love all you people.

Trouble's coming.

Trouble's coming.

- What?
- The Petulant Kid.

[CROWD GASP]

On the next train.
It's due in one hour.

I guess that's what happens
when they cut local taxes.

Well, who is this Petulant Kid?

Why do you keep doing that
when I say Petulant Kid?

- Knock it off.
- Hey, the sheriff will handle this.

Anybody wanna go play
with matches?

CROWD:
Yeah.

- Wait, wait, what's going on?
- Forget it.

My days of spitting out information
on demand are over.

This is your problem now.

Dibs on the lighter fluid.

Problem? Why is everyone
so worried about this kid?

CAT:
Oh, boy.

Thanks.

Wait a minute.

Billy the Kid. The Sundance Kid.

Hopefully,
I'm just jumping to conclusions.

I'll check the wanted posters
in the sheriff's office.

MAN:
Excuse me, miss?

Do you know how many years
I have left on my sentence?

Mr. Kraft?

- No, they call me Sweet Will.
- Let me guess.

You run the local schoolhouse

and you're locked up
for torturing high schoolers.

Oh, no, I blocked an alley
with my chuck waggon.

- And?
- And got caught.

You know, I finally get awful
Mr. Kraft behind bars

and he turns out
to be the nicest guy in town.

So everyone says.

Well, blocking an alley
with a chuck waggon is up there

with giving an extra sh*t of vanilla.

Yes.

Oh, may your life be filled
with happiness.

Oh, maybe they should call you
Saccharine Will.

Hey, by any chance, do you know
anything about the Petulant--?

Okay, that is getting really annoying.

CAT:
Lock me up, please.

I'm terrified of the Petulant Kid.

Tell me about this kid
or you're a tennis racket.

Five, four--

The biggest, orneriest, no-goodnik
this side of the Rio Grande.

The Petulant Kid's goal
is to destroy authority,

and since you're the authority,
well, you can do the math.

But I don't wanna be the authority.

Wait a minute.

There is only one of him
and dozens of us.

I'll just get everyone to help.

So I say, one for all and all for one.
Are you with me?

No way.

[SINGING] As he was walking
Down the street

Down the street, down the street

The pretty little maiden
He chanced to meet

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]

- Is that the train?
- No.

That's the whistle that tells us
the train will be here in minutes.

Well, I guess there's only
one thing left to do. Beg.

Please?

Sorry, I would like to help you,

but my feet are k*lling me
from all that dancing.

Oh, why did we get rid
of that no-cancanning rule?

Find another sucker.

Since poker-playing
became legal again,

I lost my saloon.

And I am not leaving this table
until I win it back.

Now, the cards with the people
on them are the good ones, right?

Sorry, I can't help you.

My shoulder's sore from sh**ting
all those sarsaparillas down the bar.

Only got one good shoulder left.

I understand.

Of course I'll help you, sheriff.
It's my duty.

After all those sugary sodas,
I got lots of energy.

Finally. Thanks.

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]

Train's here.

The Petulant Kid. Okay.

What am I gonna do?

In the face of danger,
I'll just stand up and run.

Giddyup.

Trot. Amble.

Any forward motion would be fine.

Just you wait. There's a thing coming
called the internal combustion engine.

Oh, boy. Look out, sheriff.

It's the Petulant Kid.

Okay, people,
now is when you dive for cover.

Hey, I hear
you're the new authority in town.

Okay, I get it.

I'm the Petulant Kid.

How ironic.
Oh, I'm my own worst enemy.

Can I go home now?

On the count of three, we draw.

Uh-oh. Not armed. Duel's off.

- Sheriff, catch.
- Oh, now you decide to be useful.

Oh, a w*apon with bad cuticles.

- Dance.
- Me? No, thanks.

Maybe later.

Or now's good.

This is gonna be fun.

On the count of three.

One, two...

Three.

I love when they run.
Makes it sporting.

The Petulant Kid is after me.
Where can I hide?

Don't worry.
I know exactly what to say to the kid.

Take her, take her.

Spare me.

Oh, you manage to annoy me
in every genre.

Well, that worked out very nicely.

Perfect. An escape.

I don't believe this.

There should be a law against blocking
this alley with a chuck waggon.

This is kind of awkward.

Any last words?

Yeah, I have a couple.

The world needs rules to provide order
to protect us from ourselves,

or life would be like a lawless,
chaotic frontier town.

- Done?
- Yeah.

- I was hoping that would end the spell.
- Wrong.

Dad-blast it. I'm out of a*mo.

Really?
Well, I'm gonna count to three.

That's not her horse, but I'll let it go.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Well, this is no longer
a lawless town.

As sheriff,
I am reinstating all the rules.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Hey, hey, hey, no spontaneity
without written permission.

Okay, maybe not all the rules.

[CROWD CHEERING]

And you were there,
and you were there, and you...

Where the heck were you?
You I could have used.

Sabrina, having you confront
your petulant self was our idea.

But we got Jedediah to help us.

He's very good
at this particular spell.

Here.

"Prospector,
teen rebellion squelcher, mohel"?

You gotta diversify.

Well, I certainly learned my lesson.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have to go back to the coffeehouse
and try to grovel for my job.

If you don't get it, come home,
you're still grounded.

I can't wait for college.

Once again, you have blurred the line
between civility and a police state.

Very funny.

Hi, could you scratch my back?

Zelda!

Okay, Jed, now that we've mined
all the magic, let's divvy it up.

About that, it's gone.

Gone, as in you're a dead man?

Well, I used all of it
on that big old spell for Sabrina.

Sabrina?
My magic went to Sabrina?

Well, that's fair.
I mean, I've already got magic.

No, that's Sabrina.

But I'm a biped.

No, that's Sabrina.

But I can drive.

No, I've done it again.

That's Sabrina.

I know what will make you
feel better.

I don't need your pity or your--

Cherry? My favourite.