05x13 - Sabrina's New Roommate

[bunniefuu]

Oh, my.

How on earth do you find anything in this mess?

I know my homework looks disorganized, but I have a logical system.

What part of your logical homework system is a coupon for Popeye's Chicken?

Well, I am a chicken when it comes to taking science tests, so, what better bookmark to have than a chicken coupon?

Oh, ten pieces for seven ninety-nine.

Sabrina, I need to get you organized.

You'll need dividers, coloured markers, accordion file, label maker and a jumbo paperclip.

I have everything upstairs.

You are so lucky you came to me.

Some people win the lottery, I have an aunt who collects office supplies.

Hey, Sabrina.

What are you doing?

Oh, I just came over to ask Aunt Zelda for some help with my physiology homework, and she decided I need to get organized.

She went upstairs for supplies.

Quick, I'll distract her while you make your getaway.

Aunt Hilda, is it just me, or have you noticed that Aunt Zelda's just a tad compulsive?

A tad?

She rearranged my sock drawer according to county of origin.

Doesn't that bug you?

Oh, sure.

But you just have to find little ways to amuse yourself.

Watch this.

OK, I think we have everything we.

something's wrong.

This room is totally out of balance.

No, it isn’t.

Sabrina, is anything out of balance?

Only Aunt Zelda.

Have you got everything straight?

Hu-hu.

Are you sure?

Don’t worry, Barn, anybody does any law breaking I’ll nab them and sack them right there in number one.

That’s not number one!

That’s number two!

One, two!

Can someone explain to me why we’ve stayed up till four in the morning to watch twelve continuous hours of Andy Griffith?

Because Mayberry is a microcosm of the human condition.

How does the insecure Barney cope working in the shadow of an icon like Andy?

What are the long term effects of Opie growing up without his two front teeth?

And did aunt Bee never marry because she secretly worked for the CIA?

I just like watching Goomer and Goober.

All I know is I’ve got a psyche test at eight thirty.

I’m going to sleep.

Hey everybody, what’s going on?

We’ve all got class in the morning.

We’re going to bed.

Before sunrise?

As your RA, I am very disappointed in your lack of college spirit.

You have a point.

I mean, if I wanted to live by the rules I’d be at home with my aunt Zelda helping her colour code the condiments.

That’s true.

We’re adults now, we can be spontaneous, do whatever we want.

Tonight, I’m not putting the toilet seat down.

Oh, yes you are!

I say, we hit an all night diner for corn-dogs and curly fries.

Oh, and then we can go down to the docks and have some clam chowder with the longshoremen.

Soup and guys that smell like fish?

I’m in.

Let’s go.

Morgan?

Oh, no thanks.

I’ve got class in the morning.

Oh no!

This is so much fun.

I can’t believe I waited two hundred years to re-do our floor.

Hey!

When you tried to remodel our last house the draw-bridge collapsed and we were castle-bound for weeks.

You and Lancelot weren’t exactly complaining.

Well, I had to do something to occupy my time.

Zellie, rest assured, this time is gonna be different.

First of all, I have a kick-butt power tool and a new fangled invention call electricity.

I don’t have a good feeling about this.

Trust me.

I know what I’m doing.

And I know what I’m doing.

Aunt Zelda, what are you doing here so early?

Early?

It’s four o’clock in the afternoon.

I knew that.

I meant, what are you doing here so early.

in the year?

I mean, it could snow, you could catch a cold.

but I see you brought extra clothes.

Why’d you bring extra clothes?

Hilda broke the house.

Look, I see you’ve been pulling an all nighter.

Oh, I remember those days.

What were you studying?

Goomer and Goober.

I’m not really familiar with the German philosophers.

Anyway, your aunt Hilda, the human wrecking ball, is on a home remodelling binge.

Do you mind if I stay with you?

No, not at all.

For how long?

Oh, just a few days.

A few days.

That’s so much more than.

one day.

Well, I thought it would be fun to spend some time with my favourite niece, that is, if she wants me?

Oh, of course I want you.

You know?

Just, my roommates might feel a little weird about it.

They kinda' like to hang loose.

No problem, I’m the original hang loose gal.

I just love to go with the flow you know?

Kick back, chill out.

Scour and disinfect.

It’s a good thing I brought my cleaning supplies.

You travel with cleaning supplies?

Oh, I guess you do.

Just the essentials.

Oh, they're all monogrammed too.

You know, when I went to school we didn’t study like that.

We sat at a table.

Treated our books with care and prayed that the students who had used them before us hadn’t d*ed of the plague.

You know aunt Zelda, things today are a little different.

I know, and I don’t have a problem with that because I’m a.

Hang loose gal.

You really don’t have to keep saying that.

Fine, I’ll just whip up some dinner.

Let’s see what you have.

Diet soda, nail polish and batteries.

That should make quite a casserole.

Hi.

Hi.

Hey, guys.

Listen, um, my aunts gonna stay for a few days if it’s OK with you.

Oh, it’ll be great, you can never have enough adult supervision.

I can say that with a big smile because I have a room of my own on a whole different floor.

See you!

Well, I guess you did have me at your house for Christmas and as my uncle Louis the lip says, ‘It’s time to pay the piper.

Oh, now don’t worry girls, you wont even know I’m here.

Ten o’clock, everybody ready to turn in?

Argh, Green Acres is just about to start.

Oh.

Oh, I love gardening shows.

It’s not a gardening show.

It’s about a ditzy Hungarian socialite who lives on a farm with her husband and a pig named Arnold.

You know, it wouldn’t hurt you girls to try and nourish your minds with something a little more educational.

We’ve been nourishing our minds all day.

We need a funny pig.

There’s a wonderful production of Die Fledermaus on PBS.

Ah, that’s what I call a basso profundo.

He’s no Mister Ziffel.

I say we take a vote.

Here’s my vote.

We let my aunt watch her n*zi opera here and we go down to the student union and watch the pig on the big screen.

Good idea.

Later.

Bye, aunt Zelda.

Oh, bye.

Well, it looks like it’s just you and me Prince Orlofsky.

I dream this dream a lot but it usually involves baby-doll pyjamas.

but I can’t remember what you were wearing.

Oh hello Miles.

Well, I’m going to be staying here for a few days.

I hope you don’t mind.

Me?

Yeah!

No!

I mean no, no.

Good.

Well, would you like to sit and watch Die Fledermaus with me?

It would be the high point of my existence.

You don’t still have that little crush on me do you?

That?

No.

Way over it.

Gone.

Ancient history.

I think I’ll go to my room.

This is a much bigger job than I thought.

Especially after we add on the repair work to the floor.

Or, we leave it like it is and turn the dining room into a cock fighting pit.

I know we can get this job done, it’s just gonna take a little elbow grease.

I’m a cat.

I don’t have elbows.

You, on the other hand, have a magic finger.

Use it and get us out of this home improvement nightmare!

Don’t you want the satisfaction of knowing that we did this ourselves?

No.

I want nothing more than to eat, sleep and dream about Mrs.Michael Douglas.

I don’t care what you and Zelda say, I am gonna' make our house a nicer place to live.

Aunt Zelda, you’re up?

I’m ordering a Gonzo Kn*fe.

If I act now they’ll throw in a complete set of titanium kebab skewers.

And if I act now I might actually get some sleep.

Bye.

Good night.

Yes.

Oh, what the heck, we only live once.

Throw in the Game Captain Chicken De-boner.

Aunt Zelda, I’m a little confused here.

When I left you were watching the opera.

How did you go from Die Fledermaus to de-boner?

Well, after the opera ended I was flipping through the channels and that show came on, the one with the Hungarian and the pig, and before I knew it I was laughing myself silly.

Oh that Gabor gal and the Penwar husking corn.

It still tickles me.

That’s my favourite episode.

I can’t believe how much I’ve been missing.

Sabrina, I know why you and Roxie ditched me tonight.

Mmm, because you’re a teeny weenie bit of an uptight control freak?

I was, but that’s about to change.

And you got all this just from watching Green Acres?

Well, and.

and watching the way you kids live.

I mean, when I was in college every time I wanted to cut loose, somebody was there telling me I couldn’t and, usually that somebody was me.

Wow, after all these years you’re finally ready to pop out of your shell.

I’m poised and ready to pop!

You probably don’t want me in the room for this.

I’m gonna go.

Well, that’s great.

You go, girl.

I mean, aunt girl.

Wo-who!

Wo-who!

Good morning, aunt Zelda.

So, how did you sleep?

Oh, amazingly well.

I’m starving, what’s for breakfast?

Oh, breakfast, the most important meal of the day.

You can have anything you want.

Just reach in and grab the first thing that appeals to you

Oh, I couldn’t.

Dare I?

You must.

Unless you want to go back to being your old, uptight self.

Never!

Then watch and learn.

Not bad.

In fact, it’s delicious.

Wow.

I’m very proud of you aunt Zelda.

You know, yesterday you would never have eaten gummy bears with peanut butter and an eight-day-old meatball sandwich.

You’re darned right I.

how old was that meat?

Do we care?

No.

Are we loose?

Yes.

We’re loose.

Give me an L!

We’re not that loose.

Oh, come on, step it up.

At this rate we’re never gonna' finish.

My feet are raw.

They’re bleeding!

Oh, you idiot.

You put the sandpaper on upside down.

Get it off me!

So, how’s it going up there?

Technically, what’s the difference between braids and knots?

Knots?

Oh, dear.

I mean, argh.

whatever.

I’m up with that.

The expression is ‘Down with that’, and you look great.

You guys aren’t going to believe this!

I got us invited to a rave tonight.

What’s a rave?

A wild dance party that happens with no advanced warning.

Someone gives you a phone number.

You call, then you get another phone number.

Then, if you sound cool enough they tell you where the party is.

That leaves no time to buy a hostess gift.

Aargh, not a big problem at raves.

I’ve gotta go change.

It could take me hours to find something that says ‘I just threw this on.

Oh, I’d say you’re there.

Oh, I have to tell Josh where to meet us.

Are you coming with us aunt Zelda?

Oh, no.

How could you just go to a party on the spur of the moment?

Well the spur is the best part of the moment.

Sorry, I have to teach class in the morning.

And besides, I look like an albino Whoopie Goldberg.

This party is so awesome!

Who would have thought you could have gotten me invited to such a cool party.

Oh, don’t worry, it won’t happen again.

Sabrina, I think I saw your aunt over there.

Really?

So she showed up.

Wow.

What’s she doing?

Hiding in the corner clutching her hostess gift?

I think she is the hostess gift.

Oh, hi Sabrina, this rave is fabulous.

Boys, would you mind passing me towards the ladies room?

I need to freshen up a bit.

Am I hallucinating or did one of my primary care units get passed over our heads like a sack of potatoes?

Wow, if I had an aunt who partied that hardy I might go home for Thanksgiving once in a while.

Hello, remember me?

Your girlfriend?

Don’t worry, we’ll toss you around as soon as we’re done with her.

OK, I’ve gotta put a stop to this.

Aunt Zelda!

Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure, honey.

OK fellas, time to touch terra firma.

Very smooth landing.

Thank you.

Vic.

You’re not a Vic, you’re a Victor, a conqueror.

Actually I’m a Blowski, Vic Blowski.

Ah yes, so it says on your tattoo.

What are you doing?

Having the time of my life.

Thanks to you I feel like a young lass of two hundred again.

Aunt Zelda, I told you to loosen up a little bit, not become completely unravelled.

I am not unravelling.

But I’m on my way.

Boys!

Set me up again!

Where have you been?

It’s five-thirty in the morning!

You could have picked up a phone and called!

Well, I was with my friends and we weren’t near a phone.

That’s no excuse.

I have been up all night worried sick about you.

I’m sorry.

I promise, next time I’ll be home before.

wait a minute, you’re not my mother.

Aunt Zelda, do you realize you have a class to teach in two hours?

Yes, I do.

Sabrina, I have been where I am supposed to be every day for the last six hundred years, tonight I’m doing something for me.

Now if you’ll excuse me, Vic is waiting for me out in the van.

You are going out with a guy named Vic who drives a van?

He doesn’t just drive a van.

he sells steaks out of the back.

Done!

And I must say Martha Stewart is an amateur compared to me.

Except she probably never varnished herself into a corner.

First of all, I am not in a corner.

Secondly, how long do you think it takes for varnish to dry?

Hilda, if there was ever a time to use your magic it’s now!

All right!

But I did all the tough part myself.

Well, that solves that problem.

Aunt Hilda, why are my feet sticking to the floor?

Because you’ve just ruined nine hours of varnishing!

Well, we’ve got bigger problems.

Aunt Zelda stayed up all night last night dancing at a rave.

A rave?

One of those wild, out of control parties that usually end up being shut down by the police?

How come you didn’t invite me?

Aunt Hilda, I’m really worried.

I mean she’s gone completely off the deep end.

Don’t worry Sabrina, it’s good for Zelda to loosen up a little bit.

Well.

Zelda Spellman, professor of quantum physics, is now cruising around town in a van with a twenty-two year old meat salesman named Vic.

We’ve gotta' find Zelda and talk some sense into her.

We’re also low on flank steak.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Hold your horses.

Hold your horses.

Hey Vic, do you know what time it is?

I’m sorry, man, but my new lady, Zelda, she wants a tattoo.

Zelda, meet Michelangelo, the best tattoo artist in this city.

And it’s a pleasure to meet you.

You are named after one of my very favourite artists.

Oh, you’ve been over to my uncle Michelangelo’s parlour in Jersey huh?

No, I was talking about the Michelangelo who painted the Sistine Chapel.

Oh, great, more competition.

This is Zelda’s first tattoo.

Well, better late than never.

So, what do you have in mind?

Can you give me a rendering of Lucas Crannock’s ‘The elders judgement of Paris’?

No, but I can give you a rat that says keep on trucking.

Go ahead.

Look round, see what you like, babe.

OK.

babe.

Zelda!

What are you doing?

Choosing a tattoo, and I can assure you it won't be of you.

You can’t get a tattoo, it’s not your style.

Well, maybe it wasn’t before, but it is now.

Oh yeah, your biceps are just crying out for ‘So many chicks; So little time.

I really don’t appreciate the two of you interfering in my affairs.

Welcome to my world.

Yo, babe!

You pick one out yet?

Not yet.

babe!

I would like the both of you to leave.

now.

We can’t just leave you here to ruin your life.

I’m not ruining it, I’m changing it and I refuse to discus this any further with a couple of busy-body tattoos!

So, what’s it gonna be, babe?

I’ve made up my mind.

I want that rose right over there.

Spooky!

That’s the one mom picked.

Get ready, babe, 'cause this is gonna hurt like hell.

Yeah, most chicks say it’s not as bad as child birth.

Well now that I’m completely at ease, ink me babe.

Something wrong, it’s not working.

I’ve never seen anything like this, your skin won't absorb the ink.

That’s odd.

That was a brand new needle.

Hey lady, you’ve got some very weird flesh.

Hey, don’t diss my girls flesh!

Come on babe, we’ll try another place.

No, I should have realized I couldn’t get a tattoo.

Well do you wanna' get something pieced instead?

I’m sorry Vic, this just isn’t gonna work out.

Why not?

Cause I’m trying to be something I’m not.

It’s not you, it’s me.

Goodbye.

babe.

Good bye, babe.

Hey, I’m sorry man.

So how’s the rib buy this week?

I’d go with the Porterhouse.

That was a big waste of time.

It’s all my fault, I only meant to loosen aunt Zelda up a little bit.

Instead I turned her into trailer trash.

Maybe it’s not such a bad thing.

Now I’m the classy one in the house.

Drat!

We’re out of pork rinds and Ding Dongs!

Aunt Zelda, you’re back.

With no visible tattoo.

I didn’t get a tattoo.

Oh, so we did get through to you.

I’m so glad!

So nice to know that I helped my sister in her time of need.

The needle wouldn’t penetrate my skin.

My witch subconscious wouldn’t allow me to do something so untrue to myself.

Same thing happened to me when I tried to become a nutritionist.

I guess I’m just condemned for all eternity to be a beautiful, uptight genius.

Give yourself a hundred years.

you won't be so beautiful.

Thank you so very much.

Aunt Zelda, you’re not condemned to be uptight.

Your subconscious didn’t stop you from eating Gummy Bears and an eight-day-old meatball?

Well no, I guess it didn’t.

See, you can loosen up.

You just have to stay true to who you are.

You're right, Sabrina.

Thanks to you I can still be a hang loose gal.

Aw!

Of course you can.

Now, wanna go out and get some breakfast?

Now?

Shouldn’t you be getting ready for class?

And by the way Sabrina, if you keep up that partying all night, you are gonna flunk out of college.

So much for hanging loose.

Welcome back, Aunt Zelda.

Help!

Cat stuck in varnish.

On second thought, breakfast sounds good.

One of us should really get that.

Yeah, one of us should.

The youngest or the closest?

I can’t make such a big decision right now, let’s wait until the next commercial.

Oh, I'll get it.

Come in!

Hi!

Oh, no, not again.

Oh, relax, I'm not moving in.

I just came by to drop off a little thank you gift from Zelda.

Wow, a suitcase full of raw meat.

That' so thoughtful.

And so marbled.

I’m keeping the T-bone.

Bye.