01x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

- [woman gasping and groaning]
- ["Road to Nowhere" playing]

How's that? Is that good for you?

Not really.
You're just dry humping my leg.

Okay, um, let's switch positions.

♪ We're on a road to nowhere ♪

- ♪ Come on inside ♪
- What about this?

Oh, leg cramp!

- Oh! Ooh! Okay. Oh, yeah.
- ♪ We're on a road to Paradise ♪

- Oh! Oh!
- ♪ Here we go ♪

- Oh!
- ♪ Here we go ♪

Do you have to be so vigorous?

Sex is meant to be vigorous.

- Oh!
- Okay, time out. Time out.

[sighs]

- ♪ We're on a ride to nowhere ♪
- Um...

Do you want me to go down on you? Ruthie?

Or we could watch Blue Planet?

- ♪ We're on a road to nowhere ♪
- Okay.

[man on TV] Well, the silky sharks
are a beautiful shark.

And what makes them even more fascinating
is that there are thousands of them here.

[upbeat song playing]

♪ Hey ♪

- ♪ I went to the doctor... ♪
- Minge!

- [laughter]
- [teacher] That's enough.

- ♪ Said, "Help me, doctor" ♪
- Settle down.

- ♪ ' "Cause I can't breathe" ♪
- ♪ I need a little this, a little that ♪

- [singer yodeling]
- ♪ A little this, a little that ♪

♪ I need a little this, a little that ♪

♪ A little this, a little that ♪

♪ I need a little this, a little that ♪

- [phone alert]
- ♪ Ha-ha! He's just warmin' up ♪

- ♪ You gotta give him a minute ♪
- ♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Well, I went to the market
To get what I need ♪

♪ I need a little this, a little that ♪

♪ Need a half pound of bloaty
And two pounds of cheese ♪

♪ I need a little this, a little that ♪

[yodeling]

♪ I need a little this, a little that ♪

♪ A little this, a little that ♪

♪ I need a little this, a little that ♪

♪ Oh! ♪

- Ah-ha!
- Hey.

- You're in love with Maeve.
- What?

- I'm not... I'm not in love.
- Mm-hm.

Don't be ridiculous.

You’ve been glued to your phone
for, like, three weeks,

and every time she texts you,
this happens.

- What happens? Oh, sorry.
- Watch it, breadstick.

Okay. Have a nice day.

This! You turn into smiley,
happy cupcake Otis. It’s weird.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Maeve and I are work colleagues
and we're friends. That’s it.

- Yeah. Friends.
- Boys and girls can be friends.

Yeah, sure. Their genitals can be friends.

I thought you said Maeve was
with Jackson now, anyway.

They're not with each other.
They’re just, you know...

Having super-hot, athletic,
sweaty intercourse?

- Casual sex.
- Uh! Uh!

You seem to know a lot
about her relationship status.

Yes, because we're friends
and friends share things.

Like bodily fluids?

Hey, look.

- Still looking for a job?
- Hah, yeah.

Nice try, but you can't distract me

from the fact
that you're clearly in love with Maeve!

[murmuring numbers]

[bell rings]

[gasping]

[moaning]

- That was good.
- Yeah. [laughs]

I haven’t seen you for a while. I thought
you didn't wanna hook up anymore.

- I've been busy.
- All right.

Do you wanna hang out later?

- We just had sex.
- I mean, like...

You know, hang out.

Jackson, I’m not offended
that you wanna keep this a secret.

It’s casual and it works for me.

You don't have to try
and be honorable and sh*t. Okay?

See you later.

Sh...

- [sighs]
- [door closes]

Oh, my God. Jackson is so hot.

Jackson is looking at us. [laughs] God.

- Jackson's approaching us.
- Mind if I join you?

- Jackson is here.
- Uh...

- You know Maeve, right?
- Nah.

Yes, you do. He does.

Well, yeah, I mean... we're friends.
We're just friends, you know.

- Hey, man, I'm...
- Handsome.

- [chuckles] Sorry, you are...
- Eric.

Eric.

Some people know me as Tromboner.

[chuckles]

- So, I need your help.
- Me?

I mean... me?

- Well, Maeve and I, we're, you know...
- Boning.

Yeah. And it's great.

But I've sort of realized that I want her
to hang around with me more.

- Mm.
- You know, afterwards.

- After the boning. Mm.
- Yeah, so I thought you could help me out.

You want him to help you get Maeve
to be your girlfriend?

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't really know what I can do.

- So...
- [chuckles]

- Well, I mean, you're her friend.
- You're her friend?

And I heard you
sort of give out sex advice.

- Yeah, he does.
- [Jackson] Yeah.

So I thought
you were the right person to talk to.

- I mean, I can pay, if that's the problem.
- [sighs]

- I...
- Oh, sh*t, I've gotta run.

- Let’s catch up later.
- Wait, no.

- I really appreciate this, man. Take care.
- Yeah.

This...

[phone alert]

[sighs]

Is that Jackson's new girlfriend?

Oh! Ha! You are like a pimp.

And not the cool Snoop Dogg kind.

Hm! [chuckles]

[phone ringing]

[Mr. Groff] D.

D.

E.

And on this one
you just drew a picture of a...

That's a... It's a woman's behind.

There. There's a...

- That's a bumhole, there's a vag*na.
- You won't be laughing

when you throw yourself off
a motorway bridge at the age of 35

because of the failure you have become!

I have spoken to the dean
at Mountview m*llitary this morning.

- Dad, I...
- Your name is on the waiting list.

You have until the end of term to get
these grades up and change my mind.

[girls shouting]

Sorry I'm late. I had a, uh...

Had a thing.

Get it together, we've got clients.

Roger. Affirmative. Good to go.

[girl] It’s like the more we try,
the worse it gets.

Like we can't get in sync
or find a rhythm.

When we're having sex, I feel like
I've never seen a vag*na before.

But I have, I've got one
and I've looked at it a lot.

It's got to the point where when
I think about touching Ruthie,

I get really panicked, because
I know it's gonna be really bad.

Like when you put together
a bookshelf from IKEA

and you realize
you don’t have the right screw

and the whole thing was a waste of time

and then you just hate everything
about Sweden.

- Ruthie, tell him how bad it is.
- Look, I don't know why we're doing this.

It's not like some advice
from a 16-year-old straight dude

is gonna magically fix us.

It’s stupid.

Yeah, well, I mean, you're right, Ruthie.

I'm not particularly well-versed

in the intricacies
of lesbian sexual relations,

but I think,

if I can learn a bit more about your
emotional relationship to one another,

I might be able to get closer
to the root of the problem.

We don’t have a problem
with our relationship.

We're in love and it's great.

We're just...

inexperienced.

This is my first lesbian relationship.

Me too.

First, I mean,
lesbian sex therapy session. [chuckles]

So have you got any ideas, Kinsey?

I'd like to have an orgasm
sometime this century.

[Otis] Yeah, leave it with me.

I’ll do some research
and see what I can come up with.

Yeah, brilliant.

Thanks, thank you.

How'd it go?

Might be a tricky one.

[knocking]

Ah...

[sneezes]

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm coming down with something.
Nothing serious, though.

Do you want to come in
and we can get started?

- I'm just gonna grab my...
- Follow me.

Have a seat.

I won't bite.

So...

scrotal anxiety.

Your email implies you've been struggling
with this for a while.

Why don't you start by telling me
your earliest memory of your scrotum?

[doorbell rings]

Oh, goodness.

I'm sorry, I completely forgot.

I, uh... [chuckles]

- [sighs] I'm having my bathroom redone.
- Yeah, I know.

I have my tools outside.

So I'd better go and get them, right?

Earliest memory,

I'd just turned five.

And I was looking down,

and thought,

"Oh, there are my balls."

The topic for this year's sixth form
essay competition is

"Every great dream
begins with a dreamer."

Entry is compulsory.

This is a fantastic opportunity
that could look very good

on your university applications
next year.

Are any of you even listening?
No, I didn't think so. Anyway...

Here's some more information.
Take it or leave it.

I'll be interested to see your take
on this, Maeve. Genuinely.

- [Otis] I'm giving the money back.
- [Eric] No, hold up.

You have a rare opportunity here to use
your power for self-interest.

What do you mean?

You keep the money. Give Jackson
the wrong advice. Make trouble.

Okay, that is unethical

- on so many levels.
- Oh!

Yeah, unethical or...

badass?

- Completely unethical.
- Ugh!

Eric, I'm giving the money back.

Okay? End of story.

Well, after you then, Captain Morality.

[Jackson] Otis!

You tracked me down.

Listen, I...
I need to give this back to you.

I feel uncomfortable talking
behind Maeve’s back. It’s wrong.

It's unethical and it's just wrong.

- I get it.
- All right, cool.

Yeah. No problem. You're an honorable guy.

- Great. Here's the money.
- Maeve is such a head-f*ck, man.

Like a Rubik's Cube. She says one thing
and then does something else.

And I can't keep up.

- Know what I mean?
- Not really. But here you go.

We’ll have crazy amazing sex, yeah?

I'm talking, like,
transcendental-level shagging.

- Okay, stop!
- Aaah!

And then she ignores me for days.

But then, she wants to do it again
and round and round we go.

She's like some sexy merry-go-round,
and I can't get off.

She's not an object!

Ohh... What?

Uh... I said she's not an object.

You keep describing her
as inanimate objects, but she is a person.

Have you even thought
about asking her what she wants

or what she likes?

- Well, what does she like?
- Lots of things.

Um... Female writers, for a start.

Oh, like The Hunger Games?

More like, uh, Virginia Woolf
or Roxane Gay or Sylvia Plath.

She also has a great taste in music.
Joy Division, Nirvana, Bikini k*ll...

But she's not a snob.
I mean, she'll listen to pop.

- And she has a really dark sense of humor.
- I didn't know that.

What are you... What are you doing?

I'm taking notes. This is super helpful.

No! No! I'm not helping.

- This is not helping.
- Yeah, it is.

Stop pulling your pricks and get out here!
40 lengths!

Get a move on, Jackson.

Thank you so much. You're a lifesaver.

- Take care.
- Yeah.

Bye, Jackson.

Oh, no.

["A Kiss To Build A Dream On" playing]

Good job.

Good job.

♪ Give me a kiss to build a dream on ♪

♪ And my imagination ♪

♪ Will thrive upon that kiss ♪

♪ Mm, sweetheart ♪

- ♪ I ask no more than this ♪
- Ugh.

Go get herpes somewhere else, guys.

♪ A kiss to build a dream on ♪

♪ Mm, yeah ♪

Oh, hey, Maeve.

You’re not actually reading
Virginia Woolf.

Why wouldn't I be? She's a brilliant mind.

Who’s the big-nosed chick?

A fierce, feminist voice
of 20th-century Britain, obviously.

[boy] I've never seen you read before.
Is this some kind of joke?

No! I read all the time.

[tuts]

Hey.

Do you know you are the only person

to take this book out of the library
since 1972?

Not anymore, apparently.

So now he's a feminist!

You've made the hottest guy in school
even hotter.

He's basically Ryan Gosling. Well done.

You don't understand. He's like a Jedi.

Okay? He just talked, and no matter
what I did, he got what he wanted.

The one thing you had going for you
was that you're all woke and sh*t.

Kind of counters
the whole lame virgin thing.

Now he's checking his privilege.
It's game over.

- [Otis] It's not a game.
- It is a game.

- Because Maeve and I are just friends.
- Hm.

Anyway, she's not gonna fall
for this whole performance.

Oh, my God, I love Virginia Woolf.

Nice guys finish last.

Especially when there's a nicer guy
with rock-hard abs.

♪ A kiss to build a dream on ♪

Ruby thinks Kyle should change
the way he dresses,

but I think he looks nice.

He has been wearing
a lot of trackie bottoms recently,

but that's only
'cause he set his jeans on fire.

What?

He’s got second-degree burns
on his thighs,

but he was blazed when it happened,
so it only hurt a bit.

Hey, Maeve.

What do you think Woolf meant by,

"The history of men's opposition
to women's emancipation

is more interesting, perhaps, than
the story of that emancipation itself"?

That men are dicks,
and selective castration is our only hope.

[laughs]

You know, you are so dark.

- What?
- Your humor, it's dark. I like dark humor.

- Okay, bye.
- Bye.

[whistle blows]

He's being so weird.

I think he’s peacocking.

But with words.

[coach]
Girls, less chatting, more running!

["Nancy Drew" by Sløtface playing]

- Look! Look, look, look!
- I know! Okay!

♪ Ten thousand hours of fallin' asleep ♪

- ♪ To singer-songwriters' tunes ♪
- [humming]

[through headphones] ♪ In my ear ♪

Are you listening to Sløtface?

Oh, what? [accented] Sløtface?
Yeah, their new album is incredible.

Since when do you like punk?

Oh, wait, do you like punk?

- Among other things.
- Ah!

Well, I've actually got a spare ticket
for this local band night.

Pussyfest. Do you wanna come?

- Maybe.
- All right, it's a date.

Actually, I can't.
I've got an essay to write.

- Huh?
- Have fun, though.

♪ She's sneaking around ♪

♪ Checking up on you ♪

[tuts]

[Eric] She's not gonna text you.

She's texting Jackson now.

Who needs a friend
when you have a boyfriend?

Uh, he's not her boyfriend. Okay?

I mean, I wouldn't care if he was,
but he's not.

He's literally not.

[phone alert]

Well, well. Appears you were wrong.

I've gotta go.

See, Maeve and I still run
a sex clinic together.

And that's still weird.

That's really, really weird.

["Breakfast In Bed" playing]

[clattering]

- ♪ Hey, your face is a mess ♪
- What?

- [yells] Is the music too loud?
- ♪ Come in, baby ♪

N... No, it's fine.

- ♪ You can dry the tears on my dress ♪
- Okay.

- ♪ She's hurt you again ♪
- How's it going?

Quite a bit of mold,
but, uh, it's fixable.

Great.

- I mean, that's fine.
- Yeah.

Are you writing another book?

Uh...

I mean, I saw that you've...
you've written books,

this morning, in your office.

Yes, I did. A very long time ago.

But, um... I don't really write anymore.

Why?

Well, um...

I wrote that last book with my...

ex-husband.

And we split just after the publication.

And I tried, but, to be honest, um...

the fear creeps in a bit as you get older.

I don't know why I'm telling you that.

f*ck fear.

I'm sorry?

f*ck the fear.

Tomorrow, you could be driving along
in your car, happily,

and then, uh, smash you, uh, head to head
with an 18-wheeler truck

and you're squished to the road,
and you're dead.

Just a waste of time.

So f*ck fear.

Hello, darling.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Are you all right?
- Yeah. Yeah.

- [stammers] Homework stuff.
- [man] Well...

I should leave you to it.

[applause and cheering on computer]

[knocking]

Sorry.

It's okay.

Hello!

Are you a friend of Otis'?

No, I'm here to pick up my father.

You know, intense European dude.
Thinks he’s a comedian.

Piercing blue eyes. He's got "f*ck"
written across his hand...

[man speaking Swedish]

Don't be a man-child,
get a move on. I'm late for work!

[man yells in Swedish]

[man continues yelling in Swedish]

I am ignoring you. Hurry up.

[sighs] Please can I use your bathroom?

Yes. It's upstairs.

Thanks.

[p*rn playing on computer]

Mum!

You're not my mum. [laughs]

- [p*rn continues playing]
- I just... I'm not...

This is research!

[chuckles] Uh...

[sighs]

You should probably think about
gettin' a lock on this door.

Where's the bathroom?

- Uh, on your left.
- Thanks.

- [dogs barking]
- [Eric] Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

Calm down. Calm down. Calm down.

Oh, don't annoy me.

How have you pooped?

Oh, yuck.

Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck,
yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck.

- Okay, stay.
- [whining]

- [bag rustling]
- Yeah, you should feel bad.

[sighs] Ugh.

- [barking]
- Uh... Francis, Bacon, get back here!

- Oh! Come on! Come on!
- [barking]

What the hell?

Uh, Francis!

Bacon!

sh*t.

Oh, okay. Come on, guys, come on.

Oh. Come on.

[chuckles] Hey.

Sorry, new job. Dog walker.

Gay.

[dog whimpers]

Quiet, Madam.

- [barking]
- Be quiet, Madam.

Um...

She's not my dog. She's my mum's.

- Yeah, she's cute. [laughs]
- [yapping and growling]

She's a champ. Okay?

She’s like the Kim Kardashian
of tiny dogs.

Oh.

- Up, Madam. [clucks]
- [whines]

Up! Show me tits.

- Good girl. Oh! Good girl.
- Hey! [laughs]

That is wicked.

Hey, Madam sounds a bit like Adam.
[chuckles]

- What are you trying to say?
- [dogs growling]

Nothing. Nothing. Okay, bye. Bye, um...

[barking and growling]

[loud barking]

- Madam! Madam!
- Um...

I'm so sorry.

Uh, I've gotta drop these off,
but I can come back...

Don't bother, okay? You shouldn’t be
walkin' dogs if you can’t control them.

Just f*ck off.

- Madam! Madam!
- ["When You're Young and in Love" plays]

♪ La-la-la, la-la-la ♪

- ♪ La-la-la ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪

- ♪ Spring in the air ♪
- [burner clicking]

♪ Filled with love ♪

♪ There's magic everywhere ♪

♪ When you're young and in love ♪

- ♪ La-la-la, la-la-la ♪
- [laughter on television]

♪ Life seems to be ♪

♪ Just a dream ♪

♪ A world of fantasy ♪

♪ When you're young and in love ♪

♪ Each night seems just like ♪

- ♪ The fourth of July ♪
- [phone buzzes]

♪ With stars that spangle the sky ♪

- ♪ The moon at night ♪
- [phone alert]

♪ Shines so bright ♪

♪ Seems to shine twice as bright ♪

[phone buzzes]

♪ When you're young and in love ♪

You can't even walk a dog!

- ♪ So many teardrops ♪
- The mind boggles!

- ♪ Are bound to fall ♪
- Think about poor Madam!

- ♪ True love can conquer all ♪
- Out there alone. Won't last five minutes!

- ♪ When you're ♪
- Are you happy?

- ♪ When you're young and in love ♪
- You broke her heart. Your own mother.

- It wasn't me. I swear it wasn't my fault.
- ♪ Young and in love ♪

- Excuses, excuses. Go on, go!
- ♪ Young and in love ♪

- ♪ Young and in love ♪
- ♪ Young and in love ♪

♪ Young and in love ♪

- ♪ Young and in love ♪
- f*ck!

- ♪ Young and in love ♪
- [cheering]

♪ Young and in love ♪

♪ Young and in love ♪

[bell rings]

Hello.

Hi.

Okay, then.

I heard a thing.

- Okay.
- This thing concerns your virginal status.

[chuckles] Excuse me?

I heard on the grapevine
that your cherry remains unpopped.

- That's none of your business.
- Yeah, let’s skip the faux modesty.

- I'm down if you are.
- Down?

Deflowering the maiden.

Breaking the lawn chair,
skinning the fish.

- Your d*ck in my vag*na. What do you say?
- Yeah, um... [clears throat]

Wait, sorry, who are you?

Whoever you want me to be.

Also, I'm Lily.

[sighs] Well, thanks, Lily, but, um...

I'm gonna have to politely decline.

Okay.

Well, if you change your mind,

you can usually find me in music room B.

Or algebra club.

Bye, then.

[whispers] Bye.

Woof-woof-woof! O-Dawg!

- Uh... J... Dude.
- [chuckles]

Just wanna say thanks for the help, man.

Me and Maeve have been texting all night.

- She's, like, mad brainy.
- Yeah. I know.

I'm actually into
some of this stuff too, you know.

- It is good to look outside your bubble.
- Yeah, I guess it is.

- It's all thanks to you, man.
- You know what, Jackson?

- I...
- Ah, that's her!

- I didn't...
- Gotta go. Thank you.

- Wait.
- Yeah?

- Okay.
- [phone buzzing]

- Yo!
- [sighs]

[knocking]

It's for you.

It's soup, for a sick person.

Oh, no! Oh, you shouldn't have done that.

I'm feeling so much better today.
Just a scratchy throat.

Still, uh... eat the soup.
It's good for you.

No one's ever made me soup before.

It's just soup.

[chuckles]

Okay, back to work, then.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

[sniffs]

Mm!

[sighs]

[belches]

[phone alert]

Why don't you just go out with him?

Let's do a mind map.

- What's that?
- Oh, it's just writing stuff down.

But in a fun way that engages
all sides of your brain.

You mean both sides.

Yeah, all of them.

It's really good for hard decisions

like, should I get a fringe,

even though Mum says
it'll make my face look chubby?

Or should I tell Mum I hate her
and run away from home?

Hm?

So, let's start with Jackson's nice bits.

Okay. Um...

He's good at sex.

Like, properly good.

Mm!

- Uh, he's attractive.
- And he's popular.

Mm-hm. And he's going places.

Like, he's not a slacker.

No, he's probably gonna be president
or something.

[chuckles] We don't have presidents
in this country, Aimee.

Okay, what else?

Do you have things in common?

Yeah, we do.

- Weirdly.
- So...

Cons?

- I don't want a boyfriend.
- I don't get it.

Having a boyfriend is the best thing.

What’s so good about it?

You always have someone to hang out with.

And, like, last week, I got chased
by a fox, and Kyle threw a shoe at it.

It was so romantic.

This is good. It's really helpful,
being in the water, isn't it?

It's freeing us up. We're really figuring
out how our bodies can intertwine.

It’s working well for me.
Is it working for you?

No.

How's it going, guys?

[Ruthie] What are you doing?

I don't want you to think
I engineered this situation

for my own sexual gratification.

That would be super creepy.

Hence the backwards stance.

This is even creepier.
Just turn around. Stop being creepy.

Well, like I said before, I am
a sex and relationship therapist.

You are a teenager with
an inflated sense of self-importance.

Right. Well, I have a hunch

that this is more to do with your
relationship than your physical intimacy.

- How's your communication?
- We've known each other

since primary school,
and we talk for hours.

- It might help.
- Interesting.

How long have you guys been together?

About four months.

We both came out around the same time
and it just happened.

Interesting.

I'm sure you find
lots of things interesting,

but our problem is with the sex,
not the relationship.

So we're just gonna
figure this out on our own.

Uh... [sighs]

Well, come back when you're ready
to talk about your relationship.

Good session, team. Great progress.

[phone alert]

How's it going with Jackson?

- What do you mean?
- I mean...

You guys seem to be spending
a lot of time together.

What do you care?

- [scoffs]
- I was just asking. Sorry.

He does seem keen for us
to hang out more, but...

I don't really get it.

Like, we have loads of sex.

So why'd he wanna complicate things?

It's stupid.
Anyway, I don't do boyfriends.

Why not?

You know in rom-coms, when the guy finally
realizes he’s in love with the girl,

and he turns up
with a boom box outside her house,

blasting her favorite song,
and everyone in the audience swoons?

- Yeah, that makes me sick.
- [laughs]

[chuckles]

Okay, but seriously,

what's wrong with boyfriends?

It’s just someone else
to let you down, isn't it?

[laughs]

You really think so? [grunts]

What the hell?

What?

[coughing]

- Ah!
- [yelps]

Like that, do you?

Don't f*cking...

[splutters]

So... why don't you wanna
go out with Jackson?

- I mean, really.
- No.

We don't do that therapy thing.

Save that for the clientele.

Fine.

I'm me and he's him.

Meaning?

Come on, Otis, he's Jackson and I'm...
You know.

- Maeve.
- [both chuckle]

No, I'm a grotty, stinky cock-biter
who lives in a caravan.

- [both laugh]
- Come on! You're not. Look...

You're not that stinky.

Plus, I thought it was a scrote you bit?

Dickhead!

Oh!

[Otis gasps]

- [splutters]
- You look like the Cookie Monster.

Wait...

- Ooh! Okay.
- [chuckles]

Ow! Yeah, let's go.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

You coming?

No.

- What? You just said we better go.
- I'm staying here.

Why?

Um...

Exercise.

Yeah, but school is closing.

Yeah, but...

exercise.

Okay.

You're compellingly odd, Milburn.

f*cking go away.

Must have been
one hell of a blow job, Wiley.

Otis.

Uh...

Promise not to laugh.

I might have a mild to moderate crush
on Maeve.

Yeah, no sh*t. What gave it away?

She, uh...

She touched my eyebrows
and now I have an erection.

[laughs loudly]

You said you wouldn't laugh.

Ugh. It won't go away.

It's been half an hour,

- and it's really cold.
- [Eric laughing]

There's only one solution.

["(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction" playing]

[Otis] Okay. [clears throat]

It's just w*nk*ng.

Oh, God.

[groans]

♪ I can't get no ♪

[groans]

♪ Satisfaction ♪

♪ I can't get me no ♪

♪ Satisfaction ♪

- [gags]
- ♪ And I try and I try ♪

♪ And I try, try, try
Try, try, try, try ♪

♪ I can't get no ♪

♪ No, no, no ♪

Ah, stop! Ah! No! [yelps]

[shudders] AC/DC! AC/DC! Okay.

Adam and the Ants,
Aerosmith, Alice in Chains.

The Blues Brothers. Bowie, David.

The Byrds. Okay.

[sighs]

- Did you do it?
- No.

I alphabetized my music collection
and it went away.

It's okay, man.

- Next time.
- We won't speak of this ever again, okay?

[bell rings]

[Jackson] Otis!

You got a minute?

Yeah.

I know the drill. [sighs]

Bye, Jackson.

So I'm gonna ask Maeve out,
properly this time.

- How do you think I should do it?
- Jackson...

you're a smart guy.
I'm sure you can figure it out.

But I need your help.
Everything you said worked.

- I don't want to screw this up.
- I'm all out of advice, sorry.

Come on, man. Look, we talk, we laugh.
We have crazy good sex.

Now I just wanna seal the deal.

Well...

what do you usually do?

Well, usually I say, "Do you wanna
go out?" And then they say yes.

It's that easy?

Well, it's just not usually this hard.

Okay, do you even like Maeve?

Or have you just never
not got your way before?

No, I like her.

I wake up and I'm thinkin' about her.

I go to sleep and I'm thinkin' about her.

It's driving me insane.

I think she could be the...

the one.

[chuckles] Wait, sorry.

Sorry. You're right.
I'll figure this out on my own.

- You've helped out enough.
- Yeah.

You know, it's weird.
You're my age, but wise.

You're like my mum...

in a little man’s body.

Like a little mum man.

No offense.

Make a grand gesture.

What, like flowers?

Grander.

Like a giant teddy bear?

Much grander.

Think, like...
like rom-com grand, you know?

Public, passionate.

Heart on your sleeve,
running through the rain...

If it seems too much, go bigger.

- If you want her...
- Yeah.

...show her how much.

Trust me.

All right. Thanks, man.

You really are a good guy.

[Eric] You are stone cold evil.

Look, you told me to screw over Jackson.

All right? This was your idea.

I say lots of stuff.
You're not supposed to listen to me.

- This is bad. You're a bad person.
- Stop saying that.

Why are you now suddenly bad?

Because I'm in love with Maeve, all right?
There, I admit it. Are you happy?

Well, not really.
I think I prefer Cupcake Otis.

I need to stop Jackson.

Uh, then he'll know
that you're in love with Maeve.

Then I need to warn Maeve
about what he's gonna do.

Then she'll know that you took money
from Jackson and gave him bad advice

- because you're in love with her.
- All my options are dog sh*t.

Yep.

I'm going home.

Okay.

Well, have a nice night, bad man.

[Jean] Thank you for all your work.

And for the soup.

It was very good.

I, uh... washed it.

I told you, it's the best soup.

[groans]

- [Jean] Oh. It's okay.
- Clumsy man.

I...

Thank you.

[sniffs]

You are a strange woman.

Goodbye, then.

Just put those in there.

Thank you. Goodbye, Jean.

Bye, Mr. Builder.

- Hello.
- Uh...

Finish your research?

My... Yes.

Oh, my God. Yes, I did.

It was actual research, by the way.

It's... It's hard to explain.

But, um, I needed
to know about scissoring.

Okay. I'm Ola.

I'm Otis.

I got something for you.
To help with your research.

My dad installed it.

[speaking Swedish]

You know we’re already recording it.

Come on, let's get the f*ck out of here.

- Hey.
- See ya.

See ya.

[starts engine]

♪ If only the wind would blow me away ♪

♪ I'd be leavin' on my way ♪

♪ If only the wind would blow me away ♪

♪ Then I'd be gone ♪

♪ All the hate I've harbored ♪

♪ Spending nights in armor ♪

♪ Cruising round
These neighborhoods I've known ♪

♪ I don't mind the darkness ♪

♪ It's the light that's harshest ♪

♪ Shines on through and cuts me
To the bone ♪

- ♪ If only ♪
- [Eric's dad] Eric!

♪ The wind would blow me away ♪

- ♪ I'd be thankful on that day ♪
- Eric!

♪ If only the wind would blow me away ♪

♪ Then I'd be gone ♪

Dad, I think I know who...

Go get hot water and bleach.
I don't want your mother seeing this.

♪ Yes, if only the wind
Would blow me away ♪

♪ I'd be leavin' on my way ♪

- ♪ If only the wind ♪
- [laughter]

♪ Would blow me away ♪

♪ Then I'd be gone ♪

- Who are you pervin' on?
- [yelps] Aah!

[laughs] No one.

Well, um...

Ruthie, but I'm not perving,
I'm just watching.

Never mind.

Shame the scissoring thing didn't work.

I'm so skint right now.

Uh...

- What's that?
- It's your cut. I treated someone.

You're a f*cking gem, Otis.

[chuckles]

Tromboner.

Hey, Adam.

Did you find Madam?

[sniffs]

Can you smell...

dog sh*t?

Wiley, can I speak to you for a second?

No chemically induced hard-on today?

[chuckles] You're so funny,
you make my d*ck hurt. Listen...

Uh, that essay thing Sands
was banging on about. Write it for me.

- I can pay.
- The hand-in's tomorrow. Sorry.

sh*t, I really need this.

Come on, I can pay double.

Triple.

Okay.

Great.

[Otis in French] What did you buy
from the supermarket today?

Only you could make French unsexy.

[in French] You do not want to kiss
your girlfriend anymore.

Hm?

[in French] You like someone else.

[in English]
Look, Tanya is my best friend.

She was really supportive of me
when I came out and everything.

- So when she came out too, I thought...
- You might as well be in a relationship.

We're so close, I thought it would be
the perfect relationship,

but when we have sex...

it just feels wrong.

And when I'm doing it with Jessa...

everything just works.

I don't know what to do.

You have to tell Tanya the truth.

It would k*ll her.

You can't choose who you're attracted to.

You can't...

You can't engineer a relationship.

You have to do what's right.

I still think it’s weird
a teenage boy is a sex therapist.

C'est la vie.

[feedback from PA]

[Jackson] This is an urgent announcement
from your Head Boy.

Will all sixth formers please head
to the canteen now?

Has anyone seen Jackson?

Uh... Maybe it’s a fire drill?

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

- Maeve!
- Look. He's gonna make a speech.

[Jackson] Yes, Moordale!
Sorry for the interruption,

but, hey, it's just your education, right?

[laughter]

There's somebody in this crowd
who is very special to me.

And no, it's not you, Mr. Groff.

This person is pretty damn incredible.

She's one of a kind.

But I was an idiot
because I wanted to hide how I felt.

Well, I'm not gonna
keep it secret anymore.

Maeve Wiley...

this is for you.

I think he's gonna...

- [feedback whines]
- ...sing.

No. No! No, no, no, no, no!

♪ You walk like a dream ♪

♪ And you make like you're queen
Of the action ♪

[laughter]

♪ You're using every trick in the book ♪

♪ The way that you look ♪

♪ You're really something to see ♪

♪ You cheat and you lie
To impress any guy that you fancy ♪

♪ Guy that you fancy ♪

♪ But don't you know I'm out of my mind? ♪

♪ So give me a sign ♪

♪ And help to ease
The pain inside me, baby ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Love really hurts without you... ♪

I'm in Swing Band.
Why didn't they ask me to play?

♪ And, girl, you're breakin' my heart ♪

♪ But what can I do? ♪

- ♪ Baby ♪
- ♪ Baby ♪

♪ Love really hurts without you ♪

♪ Love really hurts without you ♪

♪ And, girl, you're breakin' my heart ♪

♪ But what can I do? ♪

- ♪ Baby ♪
- ♪ Baby ♪

♪ Love really hurts without you ♪

♪ Love really hurts without you ♪

Will you please be my girlfriend?

You dickhead.

- ♪ Come on ♪
- [cheering]

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Love really hurts without you ♪

♪ Love really hurts without you ♪

♪ And it's breakin' my heart ♪

♪ But what can I do? ♪

- ♪ Baby ♪
- ♪ Baby ♪

- ♪ Love really hurts without you ♪
- ♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

Well, that was unexpected.

- ♪ Love really hurts without you ♪
- ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

- ♪ And it's breakin' my heart ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ But what can I do? ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Love really hurts without you ♪

♪ Love really hurts without you ♪

♪ And it's breakin' my heart ♪

♪ But what can I do? ♪

- ♪ Baby ♪
- ♪ Baby ♪

- ♪ Love really hurts without you ♪
- ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Baby ♪

- ♪ Love really hurts without you ♪
- ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ And it's breakin' my heart ♪

- ♪ But what can I do? ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Baby ♪

- ♪ Love really hurts without you ♪
- ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Baby ♪

- ♪ Love really hurts without you ♪
- ♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ And it's breakin' my heart ♪

- ♪ But what can I do? ♪
- ♪ Hey, hey ♪

- ♪ Baby ♪
- ♪ Baby ♪

- ♪ Love really hurts without you ♪
- ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Baby ♪

[choir] ♪ Love really hurts without you ♪

♪ You're breakin' my heart ♪

♪ But what can I do? ♪

- ♪ Baby ♪
- ♪ Baby ♪

♪ Love really hurts without you ♪

♪ Love really hurts without you ♪

♪ You're breakin' my heart ♪

♪ But what can I do? ♪