02x06 - A Light Supper

[bunniefuu]

- [energy crackling]
- [wind whooshing]

[gasps]

- [vortex pulsating]
- [panting]

[gasps]

[panting softly]

[indistinct chatter nearby]

[patrons chattering, growing quiet]

[old-timey police siren wails in distance]

[man 1] What do we got here?

[man 2] You lost?

[man 1] You're a pretty thing.

Hey, girl! Hey, girl!

[man 2] You're in the wrong part of town.

Hey, girl! We're talking to you!

[man 2 grunts]

[man 1] Hey, get back here!

- [panting]
- [melancholy female vocals] ♪ Ooh... ♪

- [man 3] Hey! Get her!
- [man 2] You better get back here!

- We gonna get you!
- [man 3] Hey!

- ♪ Ooh... ♪
- [man 3] Come on, hurry up!

[dogs barking nearby]

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

- [panting]
- [chatter grows quiet]

[Allison gasps]

[men panting]

You boys must be lost.

I suggest you find a barber shop
in Oak Lawn.

They specialize in your kind of hair.

[Allison sobs quietly]

Okay, come on, girl.

- Let's sit you down. Yeah.
- [woman 2] Yeah.

- Poor thing.
- [woman 3] That's right, take it easy.

[Aretha Franklin's "Won't Be Long" plays]

- [indistinct chatter]
- [scissors snipping]

♪ Baby, here I am ♪

♪ By the railroad track ♪

♪ Waitin' for my baby... ♪

Her husband chased him five blocks
down Patterson,

blitzed out of his mind, in his drawers.
[laughing]

[woman 2] You're jiving me.

Allison, am I lying?

Don't pull her into your mess.
You know the girl can't speak.

[woman 1 snorts, scoffs]

♪ ...Since the man has been gone ♪

♪ There ain't a thing worth mentioning ♪

- ♪ Nothing a-goin' on ♪
- [overlapping chatter]

♪ And that's why I know ♪

♪ When the whistle blows... ♪

Sorry I'm late. Good to see everybody.

Hey! [chuckles]

All right, so, I have been getting
a lot of questions from the young folk

asking me about why...

why it is that the S.J.C.C. chooses
to be nonviolent.

And they'll say to me things like,
"Ray, these people are k*lling us.

So why don't we just fight back?"

And I understand their sentiment.
Believe me, I understand it.

'Cause I was there once myself.

- Now go ahead and take a look at that.
- ♪ ...So now here I be ♪

- ♪ By the railroad track ♪
- [chatter resumes]

♪ Oh ♪

- ♪ Waitin' for my baby ♪
- [overlapping conversations]

♪ He's comin' back ♪

- ♪ Comin' back to me... ♪
- Excuse me?

In case you wanted to get involved,
sister.

♪ Yeah, and it won't be long ♪

♪ No, it won't be long ♪

[Jack Huddle's
"An Old-Fashioned Christmas" plays]

[door closes]

[low chatter]

- Here you are, darlin'.
- [softly] See ya.

♪ I'd like ♪

♪ Just one old-fashioned Christmas ♪

- ♪ Just like my Daddy ♪
- [softly] Hey, Miles.

- You coming?
- ♪ Treasured so ♪

- Do your thing, bro.
- [Ray] All right now.

♪ A tree ♪

♪ With old-fashioned trimmings ♪

♪ In the light ♪

- You're not from around here, are ya?
- ♪ Of the soft ♪

♪ Candle glow ♪

♪ I'd like ♪

- ♪ Just one old-fashioned ♪
- [Ray] Oh.You got notes.

♪ Christmas... ♪

Well, maybe we can discuss these
over dinner.

My name is Ray.

What's your name?

[sighs]

[voice scratchy] Allison.

Well, all right, Miss Allison.

Dinner?

♪ So give me ♪

♪ One wonderful ♪

- ♪ Christmas ♪
- [lock turns]

♪ Like folks used to have ♪

♪ Each year ♪

[grunts loudly]

[gasping]

You've got a good nose.

You know, planting her in a psych ward,

taking advantage of my simpleton brother,

that was smart.

Well, the apple doesn't fall far
from the tree.

[Lila choking softly]

- She's your...
- Daughter.

Yes. And she's my only one,

so I'd appreciate it
if you didn't crush her windpipe.

[gasping, grunting]

[cries out, panting]

I am so going to enjoy
k*lling you someday.

Lila, darling,
would you give us a minute, please?

Yes, the grown-ups need to talk.

[loud clatter]

What is it you want?

Do you like jazz, Five?

I'd rather lick a cheese grater.

Aww.

Jazz is like a beautiful woman.

Complex, emotional, hard to please.

She doesn't just give it to you...
she makes you work for it.

I'm really hoping that
you're going somewhere with this.

[Handler] Under my leadership,

the Commission would sound more like...

[whispers] ...jazz.

- [mimics soft jazz rhythm]
- And what about the board of directors?

Well, that's where you come in.

Nope.

No, it isn't.

In exchange for the assassination
of the board,

I'm willing to get you and your family
out of this timeline

and back to 2019 where you belong.

And what about World w*r III

that's due to kick off in just a few days?

Once you and your siblings are gone,
that goes away.

And the apocalypse
when we get back to 2019?

That too.

I distinctly remember you telling me that
that apocalypse had to happen,

that it was supposed to happen.

Back then I was toeing the company line,

but once I'm in charge...

[mimics soft jazz rhythm]

We can riff...

Jazz.

Exactly.

What about the board of directors, hmm?

I mean, nobody knows who they are.

Correct.

But once every fiscal quarter,
they get together for a board meeting.

- Where?
- [Handler] The question is when.

They meet somewhere in the timeline
but never in the same place twice.

The exact location and date
of these board meetings

is the most closely-guarded secret
in the Commission.

But you know where it's gonna be,
don't you?

Would I be any good at what I do
if I didn't?

- I need some time to think about it.
- Fine.

But remember,
doomsday's right around the corner,

and the way things are going,

I'm your only option.

[scoffs softly] Not yet you aren't.

[Luther, mouth full]
Diego, this is a setup.

[Diego] Maybe. But we should go anyway.

Says the guy
who's already been stabbed once this week.

Oh, don't worry,
me and him are gonna have words.

- Would you tell him that he's nuts?
- I think we should go.

- See?
- Vanya, of all people,

you should hate Dad the most.

Come on, can he really be that bad?

Okay, well, let's see.

He isolated you
from the rest of the family.

Kept you hopped up on pills.

And he brainwashed you into thinking
you had no powers.

- Jesus, this guy...
- Yeah.

I mean, come on, I have to meet him.

You already know how this is gonna go.

Dad is gonna play
all his little mind games on us,

get into our heads,

and he's gonna turn us all
against each other. You watch.

Luther, we're not 12 anymore.

All right? We're grown-ass men.

And women.

- Hey.
- [sighs]

Hey.

We can handle him.

- Wanna know what's different this time?
- What's that?

You got me.

We go in there as a united front.

No more "Number One,"
"Number Two" bullshit.

From now on, it's...

Team Zero.

"Team Zero"?

Team Zero.

All the way.

[exhales slowly]

[Ben] This is a mistake.

Don't mess with my flow.

You can't just go out there
and tell them the world is gonna end.

You know what can happen to cults
when things go sideways.

First of all, it's not a cult.

All right? And second of all,

relax, all right?

I'll make sure there's no Kool-Aid
in the house. [chuckles]

[Ben] Oh, what are you gonna say?
"Prepare to die"?

- They deserve a better explanation, Klaus.
- What, better than the truth?

Listen, this whole thing started
by accident,

and it was fun helping people for a while.

Oh, this whole thing started
because you're a narcissist.

- Oh, is that right? [groans]
- Isn't an altruistic bone in your body.

If the world's gonna end, Ben,

these people should go back
to their families.

Most of them don't have families
to go back to.

Jill gave up an Albright scholarship
to Berkeley

to follow you around the world.

- Her parents won't even talk to her.
- Jill...

Jill... Oh, that's the, um...

[clicks tongue] ...the Dutch girl
with the lazy eye, right?

No.

- Brown skin, glasses.
- [Klaus grunts softly]

Almond-shaped eyes you get lost in.

She gave up her entire future for you.

Maybe she freed herself from the prison
of the American education system

and decided instead to come and learn
from the school of life.

- Clever girl, I say.
- Klaus, these are real people.

They're not just...

scarves you can try on and toss out
whenever you feel like.

You owe them.

You know,
it's a teensy-weensy bit frustrating

when you seem to always want
exactly the opposite of what I want.

[inhales deeply]

[exhales slowly]

All right, fine.

Thank you.

- [followers murmuring]
- [New Age music plays softly]

Great, cool.

Thank you.

[Klaus] Okay, thank you. Sit down.

My name is Klaus,
and I am an alcoho...

Sorry, that's the wrong meeting.

[chuckles, sighs]

Uh...

[clicks tongue]

In my walkabout,
I did a lot of thinking...

searching, ruminating,

and there's something
that I'd like to share

with all of you.

I'm a fraud.

Yeah, I... I've been lying to all of you
from... from the start, and, uh...

I'm a complete and total fraud.

[followers murmuring softly]

Me too.

I... I'm a fraud too.

- Uh...
- [Keechie] I'm the worst kind of fraud.

I... I am a fraud to myself.

But your scriptures say,

"As long as I know how to love...

I know I'll stay alive."

- I...
- That's... Ta-ta-ta-ta. But...

But that's not scripture.

Okay? That's a song lyric
by disco diva Gloria Gaynor,

and I stole it!

- Gloria Gaynor?
- [followers murmur] Gloria Gaynor...?

Look, eh, you guys don't wanna follow me.

I can't lead you anywhere.

I'm not a guru, I'm not a messiah,

- I'm... I'm a... fraud!
- [murmuring continues]

[Klaus] And I don't know
what I'm doing up here.

I... I don't. I'm just, you know...

- making it up as we...
- [inaudible whispers]

You... You people should all just...

go back to your families.

[low murmurs continue]

[Keechie whimpering, sobbing]

- Keechie...
- [Keechie moans softly]

Stop, stop, stop, stop.

Look, look, look at me in the face, okay?
It's okay.

It's okay, though. Listen.

Everything is gonna be okay.

Okay?

I understand.

Good.

When we admit our own fraudulence,

only then can we experience true humility.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

That's not what I meant.

- It's not what I meant.
- I too am a fraud.

- I am a fraud.
- I too am a fraud!

[voices overlapping] I am a fraud!

I am a fraud! A fraud.

[overlapping declarations continue]

[Klaus chuckles] Okay.

Well...

[scoffing] Dude, I tried.

[Keechie] I am a fraud.

So there was a Black president?

- [Allison] We've been through this.
- Like, "Black" Black.

- In the White House?
- Yes.

[Ray chuckles]

And you have...

Powers, yes.

For the 17th time.

Why are you telling me this now?

Because we might not...

[Allison sighs]

Because you deserve to know the truth.

Then prove it.

- Excuse me?
- [Ray] You heard me.

Prove it.

Okay, it is not just some parlor trick.
There is a cost.

Okay, so Wonder Woman's got powers,
but nobody can see 'em?

How convenient.

[horn honks]

[door bell jingles]

[Allison] Excuse me...

my husband would like to try on this suit.

Colored folks can't try on
the merchandise,

- but if you'd like to make a purchase...
- I heard a rumor

that you let him try on
anything in the store.

[low resonating warble]

[Ray exhales sharply]

[Sam & Dave's "Hold On, I'm Comin'" plays]

[no audible dialogue]

♪ Don't you ever ♪

♪ Be sad ♪

♪ Lean on me ♪

♪ When times are bad ♪

♪ When the day comes ♪

♪ And you're down ♪

♪ In a river of trouble ♪

♪ And about to drown ♪

♪ Just hold on ♪

♪ I'm comin' ♪

♪ Hold on ♪

♪ I'm comin' ♪

♪ I'm on my way ♪

♪ Your lover ♪

♪ If you get cold, yeah
I will be your cover ♪

♪ Don't have to worry ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm here ♪

♪ No need to suffer, baby
'Cause I'm near ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Just hold on ♪

♪ I'm comin' ♪

- ♪ Hold on... ♪ [song fading]
- [Ray] Allison, that was incredible!

Why don't you do this all the time?

I mean, think of everything
that we could accomplish.

For the movement.

Allison, wait.

- [opens door]
- [Ray] Don't go in there, Allison.

[patrons chattering]

- [patrons grow quiet]
- No, no. We are not doing this again.

Get your Black ass outta here

before I call the police.

I heard a rumor that
you shut your damn mouth.

[low resonating warble]

[mumbles]

[mumbling grunts]

Coffee, black.

[coffee pouring]

More.

More.

[manager grunts]

[Ray] Allison.

- What the...?
- [Ray] Allison?

- [cup rattling against pot]
- [man whimpers softly]

- More.
- [Ray] Allison, stop it.

[loud whimpering]

- More.
- Look at his hand. You're hurting him.

- More.
- Enough.

- You proved your point, babe.
- Sorry.

[manager moaning softly]

[patrons murmuring]

[Bob Cox's "I Live Alone" plays on radio]

[low chatter]

B-6!

- [woman 1] Thank you.
- [man] Oh, I got that one.

I got lucky.

Oh, yeah?

[announcer] O-72!

- [woman 3] Oh!
- And remember, folks,

tonight's grand prize
is a brand-new patio set

from Monroe's Furniture Emporium!

Come on. You missed O-72.

Pay attention. I want that patio set.

[announcer] I-29.

You're gonna get crow's feet
if you keep scowling like that.

Do you really think Five's
the best assassin

the Commission's ever produced?

Come on, I'm just buttering him up, honey.

Why not ask me to k*ll the board?

Because I have much bigger plans for you.

- Trust me.
- You don't think I can handle it.

- Of course you can.
- Then what's the problem?

I would k*ll for an assignment like that.

In any coup, you need a scapegoat,
all right?

We need deniability.

- You and me both.
- [announcer] G-47.

[Handler] G-47...

Damn it.

[sighs]

[Lila] What about Diego?

What about him?

Is he part of your little scapegoat plan?

What's wrong? You gone sweet on him?

- Don't be silly.
- [Handler] Mmm, come on,

I know every look, every tick...

[mimics Lila's accent]
every cr*ck in your voice.

And that little bracelet you're wearing,
that certainly isn't very subtle.

Hey, this is a trophy.

From a job well-ex*cuted.

Falling for your mark, it's so cliché.

[laughing]

That's so ridiculous.

[Handler chuckles] Is it?

So you'd k*ll him if I asked you to?

- You hesitated.
- No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

- [whispers] Nice try.
- [announcer] B-9!

[Handler] B-9...

Oh, my God.

- Bingo, you old shitbags!
- [man] Jiminy Christmas!

- [crowd gasps, groans]
- [cackles]

[overlapping chatter, complaints]

God damn it. Ahh...

I know you fancy yourself a spiritual guru
and all of that,

so this is gonna be hard to hear,

- but, um...
- [Klaus moans]

you need serious help.

"Oh, Klaus, don't do this!

Klaus, do do this, but not like that."
[laughs]

I mean, I can't take a piss
without you nitpicking at my aim.

Oh, without me
you'd be dead in a ditch somewhere.

I just realized who you sound like.

- [Ben] Who?
- Dad.

Don't say that.

- [in singsong] Dad.
- I'm serious! Shut up!

Sixteen years in the grave,

- and you finally turned into your father.
- [growls]

[Klaus gasping]

[groans]

- [Ben] That was weird.
- [exhales sharply]

[shivering]

Jesus, Ben.

[Klaus continues shivering]

[voice shaking]
What the hell did you just do?

- [shuddering gasps]
- I think I was...

inside of you.

[Klaus] Ugh.

I'm sorry.
We've caught you in the middle of prayer.

- Dave?
- Jill.

[panting]

[keys clinking]

[Ray sighs]

Raymond, you clearly
have something to say,

so why don't you just go ahead and say it?

Did you use it on me?

Ray, of course not.

But if you had, would I even know?

[Allison sighs softly]

[Ray] Where did that come from?

What is it?

[Allison whispers] Uh...

[Klaus] So how did you find me?

- Hmm?
- I found this pamphlet

- with your face on it.
- [chuckles] Oh, no.

Well, I'm glad you came.

[Dave] Hey, listen, I just wanted to say
that I'm sorry for the other day.

[Klaus] Pfft. Don't worry about it.

It's good for the ego to take a punch
every now and again, I say.

Yeah, but still,
that's not the kinda guy I am.

I know. I know. [chuckles softly]

[birds twittering]

Hey, the other day
you said a bunch of stuff

- about the w*r and about my uncle.
- Uh-huh.

- How did you know all that stuff?
- Oh, that's easy. I'm a prophet.

Yeah, right.

- It's all right there in the pamphlet.
- [woman] Prophet.

[Dave] Yeah, but, I mean, no disrespect,
but this stuff isn't real.

- Prophet.
- [Klaus] Oh.

Okay, well then how come
I know everything about you?

[Dave] Yeah, like what?

[Klaus sighs] Like...

I know your favorite food

is a plain hamburger with two pickles.
[snaps fingers]

- Everybody likes a hamburger.
- Oh, come on.

Your favorite song is
"The Man Who sh*t Liberty Valance."

Who told you that?

[Klaus] And your favorite book of all time
is Dune.

[Dave] Ha. Wrong.

- I've never even heard of Dune.
- [Klaus] Mmm!

You will.

And you'll love it, trust me.
And you're welcome, by the way.

- [bottle clinks]
- [Klaus sighs]

What else?

What else, what else, what else...

[melancholy instrumental music playing]

I know that sometimes

you feel like an outsider
in your own family.

You hope that being a soldier
will prove something to them

and prove something to yourself.

And I'm here to tell you, Dave,

that that's not gonna work

and you're gonna end up wishing
that you didn't.

You have no idea
what the hell you're talking about.

- Mmm.
- I'm joining the m*llitary

- because it's the right...
- 'Cause it's the right thing to do.

[voice breaks]
Don't even know why I came here.

[sighs]

Listen, February 21, 1968,
in the A Shau Valley,

you take fire trying to hold hill 689...

You never come off that hill, Dave.
That's... That's it.

You're lying.

- You're some kind of con artist.
- Here, look, look, look. Look, look.

[melancholy instrumentals continue]

Take these.

[Dave sniffs]

[Klaus] They're all I have left of ya.

- [sniffles] Even if I believed you...
- [Klaus] Mm-hmm.

- Which I don't...
- Mmm.

This is what I signed up for.

It's an honor to die for my country.

That's what you peaceniks
don't understand.

- But you don't have to...
- Yes, I do.

- No, you don't.
- I've already enlisted.

What? That's not supposed to happen yet.

The other day after I saw you, my uncle
took me down to the recruitment office.

He made me sign up.

I ship out next week.

What?

So save these for the next dumb kid
you're trying to recruit.

Dave.

Dave? Dave, come back.

[Keechie] This came for you, Prophet.

[steam hissing]

[Handler, in Swedish]
All the new age remedies out there,

but nothing beats a schvitz
when it comes to stress.

My job can be stressful, sure.

But I can't imagine what it must be like
for you boys.

Do we know you?

No.

But I know all about you.

[Handler chuckles]

However,

seems you've run into some problems

on this job.

Just a snag.

You lost your brother.
I'd call that more than a snag.

- [squeezing flesh]
- [soft grunt]

What if I can give you the location

of the Kn*fe-hurling dolt responsible
for blowing up

your beloved brother?

Who are you?

Somebody you're going to want to know.

[whispers in English]
Unharm my wiener.

[exhales]

[in Swedish] Go on.

I'll give you the exact location

of the one you're looking for, Diego.

The rest...

I leave up to your imaginations.

What's in it for you?

[Handler] Let's just say that

his little game of "Hide the Sausage"
with my daughter

needs a swift end.

I just have one request.

Don't hurt the little one with

the cute socks.

[inhaling deeply]

Lavender.

[Public Image Ltd.'s
"The Order of Death" plays]

♪ This is what you want
This is what you get ♪

♪ This is what you want
This is what you get ♪

♪ This is what you want
This is what you get ♪

♪ This is what you want
This is what you get ♪

♪ This is what you want
This is what you get ♪

♪ This is what you want
This is what you get ♪

♪ This is what you want
This is what you get ♪

♪ This is what you want
This is what you get ♪

♪ This is what you want
This is what you get ♪

♪ This is what you want
This is what you get ♪

♪ This is what you want
This is what you get ♪

♪ This is what you want
This is what you get ♪

♪ This is what you want
This is what you get ♪

♪ This is what you want
This is what you get ♪

♪ This is what you want
This is what you get ♪

♪ This is what you want
This is what you get ♪

- ♪ This is what you want... ♪
- [elevator dings]

♪ This is what you want
This is what you get ♪

♪ This is what you want
This is what you get ♪

- ♪ This is what you want... ♪
- [sighs]

[Diego] Wait up.

[approaching footsteps]

[Allison] Hold it.

[Klaus] Hey, everyone.

[Luther] Excuse me.

Good. We're all here.

[elevator dings]

♪ This is what you want
This is what you get ♪ [lyrics echoing]

[Luther grunts softly]

[Allison sniffs]

- [Allison] Oh...
- [Five and Vanya] Oof.

- Luther!
- [Vanya] Oh, my God.

Sorry, I'm nervous.

[Klaus] Oh...

[elevator dings]

- [Five] Nasty. I'm choking!
- [Klaus] None of that.

[island music plays softly over speakers]

[Five] All right, when Dad gets here,
I'll do the talking, okay?

[Diego]
Got a few questions for him myself.

[Five]
Hey, we don't wanna scare him off.

He might be able to help us stop doomsday,
get us home.

[Diego] No, we need to figure out
why he's planning to k*ll the president.

[Five] This is a matter of life and death,
you imbecile.

Okay, yeah,
maybe we should take turns talking. Yeah?

Here, whoever has got this conch shell
gets to talk.

Vanya, we don't have time
for a debate, okay?

Maybe I should lead. We all know
I'm a better public speaker than the rest.

Okay, Daddy's girl.

Oh, jealous, Number Two?

Hey, no more numbers.

No more bullshit. We're Team Zero.

We're all Team Zero.

[Luther] Uh, Diego.

You don't have the conch.

- [shell shatters]
- Classic.

Not only have you burglarized my lab,

set my chimp loose,

conned your way
into the Mexican consulate,

repeatedly stalked and att*cked me,

but you have, on numerous occasions,
called me...

[grunts softly]

- Hey, Pop. How's it hangin'?
- "Dad."

My reconnaissance tells me
you're not CIA,

not KGB, certainly not MI5, so...

who are you?

We're your children.

We're from the future.

In 1989, you adopted us all and trained us
to fight against the end of the world.

Called us the Umbrella Academy.

- Why on earth would I adopt six...
- [Allison] Seven.

- One of us isn't here.
- Dead.

One of us is dead.

Dead, yes, but I'm here. Klaus!

- Yeah, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
- Tell them I'm here.

Enough of that now.

Regardless,

what would possess me to adopt
seven ill-mannered malcontents?

We all have special abilities.

Special? In what sense?

In the superpower sense.

Called me old-fashioned,

but I'm a stickler
for a pesky little thing called evidence.

Show me.

Everybody wants to see powers
all of a sudden. [scoffs]

We're not circus animals, okay?

We're not gonna bounce balls on our noses

and clap our hands like seals
for your amusement.

[loud metallic thud]

What are you writing?

You are zero for two, young man.

[Allison sputters]

[whispers] Stop!

Now that is interesting.

All right, uh, quick rundown.

Luther: super strength.

Klaus can commune with the dead.

Allison can rumor anyone to do anything.

Except she never uses it.

I heard a rumor
you punched yourself in the face.

Aah! [groans]

Damn it!

[slurping]

And you?

Uh, maybe we don't take Vanya
for a test run.

Oh, yeah, that's probably not a good idea.

- Yeah.
- It's fine.

- I can handle it.
- Handle it?

Last time you handled it,
you definitely blew up the moon.

No, Vanya, don't!

[overlapping protests]

[high-pitched tone resonating]

[overlapping sighs]

[Klaus] This is my favorite shirt. Wow.

Oops.

That was impressive.

Look, we know that you're involved
in a plot to assassinate the president.

You were recently hospitalized,
isn't that correct?

You still appear to be suffering from
delusions of grandeur and acute paranoia.

Am I?

Explain this.

That's you.

That's two days from now
on the grassy knoll

at the exact spot the president's
gonna get sh*t.

Well...

I suppose you've solved it.

You've single-handedly unearthed
my nefarious plot.

Is that what you want to hear?

You fancy yourself a do-gooder?

The last good man who will save us
from our descent

into corruption and conspiracy?

This is a fantastic delusion.

The sad reality is that
you're a desperate man,

tragically unaware
of his own insignificance,

desperately clinging
to his own ineffectual reasoning.

More succinctly,

a man in over his head.

[stuttering] You're wr... wrong.

[Five] Look, forget about the president.

We have a catastrophic w*r coming
in five days.

We need to figure out how to stop it.

w*r?

Men will always be at w*r with each other.

No, this isn't just some w*r.

I'm talking about a doomsday.

The end of the world.

Well...

you're the special ones, aren't you?

Why don't you band together
and do something about it?

All right. Screw it.

[Klaus grunts]

- [choked gasps]
- [Allison] Is he having a seizure?

Overdosing probably.

- Should we do something?
- [shuddering grunts]

[whispers] Klaus!

Now is not the time. What are you doing?

[distorted gurgling]

I'm...

- Out with it, boy.
- [gasping]

[Ben] ...Ben!

[gasping]

[panting]

[Klaus shuddering]

Well...

thank you for coming.

- I've seen about enough.
- No, I...

- [loud impact]
- [dishes clinking]

- [buttons clattering]
- Look at what you did to me.

Look at it!

Oh, sh*t. Why?

You in the culottes.

A word, in private?

Check, please.

[elevator doors close, elevator dings]

Well, that went as well
as any Hargreeves family function.

[sighing] I feel so violated.

I need an herbal bath.

You had no right to possess me.

[Ben] Oh, possession is a strong word.
I'd like to say "borrowed you."

Temporarily.

- Congratulations.
- For what?

I think that's the first time
you've ever stood up to Dad.

- [Luther] Hmm.
- Are you okay?

So much for having my back in there.

Team Zero, my ass.

[elevator dings]

Klaus.

- [Luther sighs heavily]
- [groans] Just leave me.

[whimpering] Just leave me.

You again? Why are you followin' us?

I just wanna show you something.

How did you find me?

This came for you at the farm.

Can we go somewhere?

Private?

What is this?

[Diego] Your boyfriend isn't the nice guy
you think he is.

Him and his nasty little squad
of lizard people

are planning to k*ll Kennedy
the day after tomorrow.

I don't understand.

He is going to k*ll the president.

That's ridiculous.

He would never hurt anyone.

[Diego] What do you think
he's doing here in Dallas?

What do you think that meeting
at the consulate was all about?

It is a conspiracy.

We have to stop him.

You're mistaken.

[Diego] Don't take my word for it.

Ask him yourself.

[retreating footsteps]

You seem to be the sensible one
of the bunch.

- [island music plays over speakers]
- That's because I'm the oldest.

You know, technically,
I'm older than you right now.

Cognac?

Just a smidge.

[Reginald] The other night
you quoted Homer at me.

Why?

You forced us all to learn it as kids.

In the original Greek, no less.

[island music continues softly]

[Five] Mmm.

This world ends in five days
if we don't get out of the timeline.

Worlds end.

Paleozoic, Jurassic, and so on.

We can do something about this one.

Man's greatest flaw:

the illusion of control.

I need your help.

All right? You're my last sane option.

Otherwise, I gotta make a deal
that I really don't wanna make.

What do you know about time travel?

- In theory?
- In practice.

I know it's akin to descending blindly

into the depths of freezing waters
and reappearing...

As an acorn. Yeah.

What transpired
when you tried traveling before?

- I botched it.
- How?

I jumped too far forward,

got stuck in the future for 45 years
in an apocalypse.

Then I jumped too far backwards...

except this time I brought
my entire family with me.

Maybe your appetite is disproportionate
to the size of your abilities.

Start small.

Seconds,

not decades.

- Seconds?
- [Reginald] Mmm.

Look, no offense,
but I need a bit more time

for what I'm trying to accomplish.

So much can change in a matter of seconds.

One could overthrow an empire.

One could fall in love.

An acorn doesn't become an oak overnight.

I was really hoping
you had more than that.

I'm sorry I can't be of more help.

I'm sorry, too.

I gave you such a hard time as a kid.

I didn't know any better.

[Reginald] Hmm.

No skin off my teeth, old man.

[Five sighs]

[machines beeping softly]

[whistles softly]

[cat meows]

[plaintive meow]

[Elliott] Hey, buddy.

How'd you get up here?

[soft creaking]

[Elliott] Huh?

[cat meows]

What's wrong?

- You hungry?
- [cat meows]

Let's see here... Ooh.

Look what I got. [whistles]

[soft meow]

[cat meows]

[floor creaks nearby]

- [cat meows]
- [soft creaking]

[creaking continues]

[grunts]

[gasping]

[Elliott panting]

[cries out, screams]

[choking]

[Swede 1 in English]
Where is Diego?

[choking] I don't... I don't... I don't...
I don't know.

[grunts, choking]

[groaning softly]

- [Swede 1] Where is he?
- [lamp breaking]

[Elliott whimpers]
I told you, I don't know.

[light buzzing]

Aah... [gasping]

Say "Ahh." Ahh!

[Elliott screaming]

[bugs chirring]

[Sissy] I don't like how we left things.

I wanna explain.

Whatever this is...

Vanya, it's dangerous.

They do not abide...

women like us

- around here.
- [somber piano melody plays]

- I know.
- Just let me finish.

[voice breaking]
Some of us don't get to have

the life we want.

That doesn't mean we don't want it.

You understand me? [soft sob]

What if we go somewhere?

[laughs]

Away from here.

Away from Carl.

Somewhere we can be safe.

What do you mean? Where?

[voice trembles] I don't know yet.

I don't know.

But I won't let anything happen
to you or Harlan.

I can protect you.

[exhales sharply]

I just need you to trust me.

[takes deep breath]

I do.

[laughing]

Lord help me, I do.

[sniffling]

Let's get outta here. [laughing]

We could drive north.

I got family in Oklahoma.

We gotta be careful.
Carl can't catch a scent.

His brother Jerry is a st...

He's a state trooper
and if he thinks I'm gonna run...

- Hey, hey, we won't let him, okay?
- [Sissy] Okay. Okay, okay.

It's gonna be everything as usual

- until we're ready.
- [Sissy] Okay.

[gasping softly, sniffling]

Just give me a little time.

[bugs chirring]

[owl calls in distance]

[The Dead South's
"In Hell I'll Be In Good Company" plays]

♪ Dead love couldn't go no further ♪

♪ Proud of and disgusted by her ♪

♪ Push, shove
A little bruised and battered ♪

♪ Oh, Lord, I ain't comin' home with you ♪

♪ My life's a bit more colder ♪

♪ Dead wife is what I told her ♪

♪ Brass Kn*fe sinks into my shoulder ♪

- ♪ Oh, babe ♪
- [Diego] Blood.

♪ Don't know what I'm gonna do ♪

♪ I see my redhead, messed bed ♪

- [Luther] sh*t.
- ♪ Tear shed, queen bee, my squeeze ♪

Elliott?

♪ The stage, it smells, tells
Hell's bells, misspells ♪

♪ Knocks me on my knees ♪

♪ It didn't hurt, flirt, blood squirt
Stuffed shirt ♪

♪ Hang me on a tree ♪

- ♪ After I count down three rounds ♪
- [Luther] Diego?

♪ In hell I'll be in good company ♪

♪ Dead love couldn't go no further ♪

- [Diego] Holy sh*t.
- ♪ Proud of and disgusted by her ♪

♪ Push, shove
A little bruised and battered ♪

♪ Oh, Lord, I ain't comin' home with you ♪

♪ My life's a bit more colder ♪

♪ Dead wife is what I told her ♪

♪ Brass Kn*fe sinks into my shoulder ♪

- [knocking at door]
- ♪ Oh, babe ♪

- ♪ Don't know what I'm gonna do ♪
- Ah!

Just in time for a nightcap.

[cocktail shaker sloshing]

- [lip pops open]
- [liquid pouring]

[cigarette lighter clicks open, shut]

- [doors close]
- [Five] To be clear,

I take out the board... [sighs]

You get me and my family home.

No more doomsday, no more apocalypse.

Is that correct?

That's the deal.

Then I'm in.

♪ In hell I'll be in good company ♪

[song ends]

[rock violin music playing]