02x12 - Jeff

[bunniefuu]

Previously, on "Good Girls"...

It's a serial number.

She keeps records of her cash?

They're counterfeiters.

You said you needed a retainer,

so this should cover it.

I'm a D-bag, so I know when I see one.

[TENSE MUSIC]

Noah is FBI. I told him stuff.

- He's not my boyfriend anymore.
- Maybe he should be.

- It would get him off our trail.
- With my vag*na?

I want to make it as easy
as possible for the kids.

I need to protect my family.

I would have made you so happy.

♪

- What are you doing?
- It was an accident.

Yeah, I mean, he...
he ran behind the car.

Yeah.

She m*rder*d him, Beth.

We were about to do the same thing.

- Yeah, but we didn't.
- We made her call him.

What are we supposed to do with this?

- ALL: One...
- Oh, God, whoa!

ALL: Two, three!

[YELPS]

It's Boomer. I mean,
it has to be, right?

Yeah, I figured I'd
hold onto it for a bit.

You know, just to be
safe. One man's trash...

If he didn't have that body,
he couldn't hold it over us.

♪

Cooper's dog is eating your new flowers.

♪

What color was Boomer's hair?

[DRAIN GURGLES]

You'll never get me! [LAUGHS]

[CHILDREN CLAMORING]

[GROOVY MUSIC]

♪

You'll never take me alive!

[CHILDREN SHRIEKING AND LAUGHING]

You want some? You want some?

How about you? You want some?

No... You can't get me!

♪

[MUSIC STOPS]

[GROOVY MUSIC]

♪

[CHILDREN CLAMORING]

- Hey, Mom.
- Hey, wash up, boys.

- What's for dinner?
- Macaroni.

- Where's Daddy?
- Sleeping.

- Where?
- On the grass.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, Jeff!

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

Okay, okay.

- 911, what's your emergency?
- Um, it's my husband.

- He...
- Yes, ma'am?

[TENSE MUSIC]

Ma'am, are you there?

Ma'am, are you okay? What happened?

Nothing, sorry.

♪

Huh.

[ANSWERING MACHINE TONE]

Hi, it's me again.

So I'm just going to say
this because I don't know

if you're, like, in a
meeting or something,

but, um... we have a
little bit of a problem.

I mean, it's not a problem yet,

but it is definitely a situation.

Um, so...

you know that jacket you wanted
us to get rid of a while back?

We may have thrown
away the wrong jacket,

and we obviously need
to find the right one

before someone else does,
so if you could call me back

so we could discuss this matter
in more detail, that would...

- Hey, sorry.
- Hi.

Uh, they're all ready when you are.

Okay, one second.

Okay, thank you.

[DOOR CLANGS]

The most important thing
is it is not your fault.

You are allowed to feel sad, okay?

Or angry.

We love you more than anything.

And we are going to get
through this as a family.

Does anyone have any questions?

Do we get two Christmases?

- Uh...
- Um...

It's...

What about birthdays?

Presents come from both of you, right?

So if you're not married,
then we should get double.

- And two parties!
- Yeah!

Yay!

These-these are all smart questions.

Does anyone have a question
that doesn't involve presents?

Okay.

- If anything comes to mind...
- Who's moving out?

[STAMMERS]

No one yet.

Are you mad at Daddy
because he got a new job?

No! Don't be silly.

- Do you still love each other?
- Oh, buddy, yes.

Of course we do.

Then why can't you
just say you're sorry?

That's what you tell us to do.

It's...

complicated.

No, it's not.

Sometimes, grown-ups...

realize they want different things.

So what do you want?

[GROOVY MUSIC]

♪

What's going on here?

Nothing.

So we meet.

You seduce me on top of some produce.

You break up with me.

Then you get me drunk,
have your way with me.

And you're complaining?

I'm just confused.

I date a lot of guys

who pretend to be
something that they're not.

Here's the thing with me.

What you see is what you get.

[EXHALES]

Romans, 7:15.

"I do not understand my own actions,

"for I do not do what I want,
but I do the very thing I hate.

"So now, it is no longer I who do it,

but the sin that dwells within me."

- We are all sinners.
- ALL: Amen.

But continuing to do it,
whatever it is we're doing,

day after day, week after
week, when we know better.

Come on now, hm?

That, my brothers and sisters,
may be the biggest sin of all.

- Who's with me?
- ALL: Amen.

Let us pray.

- But I want juice and cookies!
- We'll have some at home.

All right, let's hustle up, team.

We don't have cookies at home.

- We'll make some.
- We're out of flour.

- We'll get some.
- We're out of butter too.

Hey, would you please go
get your damn coats, please?

- I'll buy you a cookie, okay?
- It's a great sermon, huh?

Oh, I love it when a
reverend tells it like it is.

[LAUGHS]

- Is it usually that raunchy?
- Yes.

Is he going to take Daddy again?

No, everything's fine.

I'm still hoping we can work it out.

You know what? These
cookies, they're on me.

Hey, man, we don't want your money.

Good, because this ain't real money.

- You know what this is?
- Stan.

Uh-oh, she knows.

Let's go.

- Let's just go, baby.
- This here is motive.

The grocery store manager
figured out your hustle,

- so he had to go, right?
- What are you talking about?

I'm saying when there's motive,

you don't really need a body anymore.

What do you want from us?

I want you home making
cookies with your kids,

but you only get that
if you take my deal.

It's Sunday, man.

The train is leaving the station.

I'm trying to save you
guys a couple of seats.

Talk to our lawyer.

[TENSE MUSIC]

♪

You play Monopoly?

Because this here is Monopoly money.

- American...
- ALL: Wheel Deal!

Hey, you got that guarantee?

ALL: Upfront pricing can't be b*at!

Do you have a car for me?

ALL: Yes, we do. We guarantee!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'm ready to go. Are
you guys ready to go?

- Yes!
- Get out there!

- Hey, yeah, all right.
- All right.

Hey, don't worry.
You'll... you'll get it.

- It's so clever.
- Hm.

Hey, what gets you out of bed, man?

- Usually my kids.
- Walk with me.

Or I've got this app
on my phone that plays,

like, sounds of, like, the forest.

No, no, I'm saying, what...

what puts your feet on the ground

and gets that heart pumping?

Making deals?

That's what I'm talking about.

- Yeah, I'm a closer, dog.
- Ooh, yeah!

I've been moving cars longer

than some of these kids have been alive.

- Sing it, sister.
- I can sell snow to an Eskimo!

Now, we don't do that here.

What do you mean?

[CHUCKLES]

- I know it says that, but...
- It's-it's our promise.

Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, where's the fun in that?

Hey, you got that guarantee?

ALL: Upfront pricing can't be b*at!

Do you have a car for me?

ALL: Yes, we do. We guarantee!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Welcome aboard.

[KNOCKING]

Mary Pat! Open up!

It's real dark in this hellhole.

There are no diapers in her trash.

- Just a bunch of coupons.
- When did they expire?

- Like, two months ago.
- No!

- Where is this bitch?
- I don't know.

But she is going to go down for this,

because at this point, the only m*rder

that I would willingly
do time for is hers.

And then he'd have us on three bodies.

Two of them we have nothing to do with!

She kills Boomer and
then gives us some rando?

I mean, how many bodies
does she have in there?

Turner doesn't care. You
should have seen his face.

[SIGHS]

Okay, bye.

Thinks she's got it all
wrapped up with a little bow.

What are you doing?

Oh.

What the hell? What is she doing?

[METAL CLATTERS]

Oh. Smart.

Jesus.

[GROOVY MUSIC]

♪

♪ Hold your banana, my
heart beats like a bongo ♪

♪ Papaya, ripe and ready,
pepino cherry combo ♪

♪ Blend the make-love juice ♪

- [PHONE BUZZES]
- ♪ Forget about the ice ♪

♪ I like it hot and sweaty
with a little bit of spice ♪

♪ Hey, you come and be my thing, thing ♪

♪

Funny money is popping up all over.

See if you can tie it back.

Okay. [CLEARS THROAT]

♪

♪ Come bring the carnitas
while I chop the tomatoes ♪

♪ Then get your jalapeño,
together, we make tacos ♪

♪

Maybe you didn't totally get it,

but I wasn't actually
talking about a jacket.

Hel... hello?

This mailbox is full.

It's doing that thing again!

- Okay.
- What?

Dude, you've gone full Favreau.

You got to chill.

- It's on him, too.
- All right.

- He needs to know.
- I think he probably knows.

You left him 30 messages.

Can I please have my phone back?

I am totally chill! I am
allowed to be not chill.

I'm about to be arrested for m*rder.

And if homie gave two craps,
you would have heard something.

[EXHALES]

Come on, who doesn't love
a free pancake breakfast?

With Jesus, no less.

Yo, check it.

I don't know, you guys. I'm not sure.

You're gonna to have
to ask him yourself,

because I don't know
if Jesus eats sausage.

But I do know that he drinks red wine,

and those things go together
great, so probably...

Not on my watch!

That bitch moves like a gazelle.

Hi, guys.

[GRUNTING]

How's school?

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Okay, one at a time.

♪

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

[SINGING IN FRENCH]

♪

You don't want juice and crackers?

We have a tree house out back.

♪

Start talking.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

[BOTH LAUGH]

- What's that?
- Ice cream.

Yeah, other... other freezer.

- Is Daddy with Santa Claus?
- Yep.

And I bet he's met the tooth fairy, too.

- No way.
- Way.

Why can't I tell my class?

Well, because even
though Daddy is in heaven,

- he's still helping us.
- How?

He pays for this house and your toys.

The ice cream.

And if people knew that he was gone,

then he couldn't help us anymore.

Does that make sense?

Can I have sprinkles?

Yeah!

I mean, it wouldn't be ice
cream without sprinkles, right?

Hey, little man. Where's my sundae?

Is he my new Daddy?

No one's ever going to
replace your daddy,

okay?

Who is he, then?

He's just a special friend.

Hey, open up!

Where do you think you're going, huh?

[ENGINE STARTS]

Stupid bitch, open the damn door!

Let's go! What the hell?

["GLORY OF LOVE" BY PETER CETERA]

♪ I'll be the hero ♪

♪ You've been dreaming of ♪

♪ We'll live forever ♪

♪ Knowing together ♪

♪ That we did it all
for the glory of love ♪

♪

♪ It's like a knight in shining armor ♪

♪ From a long time ago ♪

♪ Just in time, I'll save the day ♪

♪ Take you to my castle far away ♪

♪ I am the man who will
fight for your honor ♪

♪ I'll be the hero that
you're dreaming of ♪

♪ We're going to live forever ♪

♪ Knowing together ♪

♪ That we did it all
for the glory of love ♪

♪ We'll live forever ♪

♪ Knowing together ♪

♪ That we did it all
for the glory of love ♪

Okay.

Sure.

Thank you, I...

yeah, I just didn't know
who else to call, so...

All right, I'll...
I'll see you soon, then.

Okay.

- Mom, we're hungry.
- Oh.

Well, what are we waiting for, right?

[ENGINE STARTS]

[TENSE MUSIC]

♪

[CAR APPROACHING]

[BRAKES SQUEAK]

Let's get you out of here, get inside.

Okay, can you get the door?

Hey, here. Take... take that.

Okay.

Hold on, now. Wait for me.

[HEAVY BREATHING]

I didn't want it to smell.

- Okay.
- And, um...

Jeff used... used to hunt, so we have...

um, we have a... a meat freezer.

Well, that still makes sense.

Yeah, except he just got so bloated.

I think that's because, um...

you know, all the gasses that
get, like, trapped inside.

So, then he... then he wouldn't fit.

What do you mean?

I mean, there was just, like...

like too much of him to... you know.

- At first.
- Oh, no, no, no.

You know those, um...
those electric knives

like you use at...
like, at Thanksgiving?

[SOFT MUSIC]

♪

Any questions?

So we call the cops.

- We do?
- Yeah.

You want to explain that
we dumped the wrong body?

You'd rather get put away for
murdering a guy who's not dead?

I don't want to go away for anything.

She chopped up her husband
into tiny little pieces

and stored him like a TV dinner,

then ran over her boyfriend.
She's a "Dateline" story.

She is crazy. She is, like...

She's a victim.

Boomer r*ped her.

Where are you going?

He's out there, living it
up, while we take the fall.

He's going to get us out of this.

[DOOR SLAMS]

Excuse me. I want my mommy.

Okay.

I'll go get her.

You stay here.

She got a little tied up.

- Hey, Jonathan.
- Hey, what's up, Sasha?

Hey, yay yay!

- Hey.
- Hey.

Heard you made a sale.

Put an extra three grand in your pocket.

What does "no haggle" mean to you, Dean?

Oh, believe me, there was no haggling.

Guy didn't know what hit him.

[CHUCKLES]

It-it's not what we do.

Our customers trust us
because when they come in,

they get the listed price.

And what do you do? You...
you go and sell for more.

You're going to call the guy back.

- The hell I am.
- You're going to give him a refund.

- How old are you, Calvin?
- I'm 26.

Let me paint you a
picture of the next 26.

You're going to wake up
with a house full of kids

you have to feed and
a wife who hates you.

And what's the one thing that's going to

get you out of bed every single morning?

It won't be toeing the company
line with these other sheep.

Why don't you take five
in the Wheel Deal lounge?

People pay for what they love,

and it's my job to make them love it.

That's the art.

I can't sell cars
from a vending machine.

- Okay, you won't.
- Thank you.

Because you don't work here anymore.

There's a charge on my credit card bill

that I don't recognize.

Can you call again?

Marion, I think you should sit down.

Industrial Power something.

Yeah, but that's not the people I use.

Leslie's alive.

This cook top is driving me crazy.

[CHUCKLES]

I can never get this thing clean.

[SNIFFS]

It's caked in grease.

Listen, I... I really need to find him.

Maybe if... if you really
go at it with the steel wool

like you did the last time.

- Have you seen him?
- Maybe even a sharp Kn*fe.

Harold used a chopstick once.

Marion, did you hear what I said?

How do you know?

- I just know.
- That can't be true.

It is, Marion.

So he would let me cry
myself to sleep for months

without even so much as a phone call?

I'm sorry.

There's oatmeal raisin in the icebox.

Take some for your son.

[EXHALES]

[TENSE MUSIC]

♪

You know, and now, he's
coming to our place of worship.

You know, when our kids are there.

I mean, this man is out of control.

Is Tara sick or something?

We haven't gotten our coffee yet.

He needs to be put in his place.

She's usually taken
our order by now, so...

Yo, can we sue him?

Yeah, for, like,
harassment or something?

There... there were
witnesses there, right?

Oh, I'm going to have a
chat with him in the morning.

Yes, see, now, that's
what I'm talking about.

I'm going in to be deposed.

Um, hold on.

What... what about
attorney/client privilege?

Can they just do that?

Oh, they can do it when a firm deposits

30 grand in counterfeit cash.

You're going to need a good lawyer.

[SNIFFS]

Can I have another meatball?

Of course.

So is this where we're going to eat?

What do you mean?

Like, now that you're divorced.

I just thought it would be nice.

So how was everybody's day?

Uh...

Oh, no. No, no,
don't... don't rub it in.

It'll make it worse. Kenny,
go get some club soda.

How was your day, dear?

[PHONE RINGING]

[RINGING CONTINUES]

I'm sorry, I have to take this.

[FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING]

What's up?

- Did you get my messages?
- Yeah, I'm here, right?

I left 15.

And a few with the
emoji's eyes crossed out.

- Where were you?
- I was at Legoland.

Are you serious?

Yeah, it's a really nice place.

- You went on vacation?
- Yeah, with my kid.

- Sounds fun.
- Yeah, yeah, it's real dope.

You know, everything is Lego there.

They got a Lego Vegas
Strip, Golden Gate Bridge.

I'm about to be arrested for m*rder.

[CHUCKLES] That sucks.

And you couldn't return a text?

Hey, I don't work while on vacation.

That's what I am? Work?

Pretty much, yeah.

That's it?

That's it.

Oh, one thing you should know.

Your money's cooked.
The feds know everything.

Welcome back, boss.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

♪

Did you see that combo?

Oh, this is just way harder sober.

Come on, get in on this!

What are you doing?

How do you know if a melon is ripe?

- What?
- Just tell me.

You smell the rind.

And how long is milk good
after its sell-by date?

- What... what is this?
- Just tell me.

- How many days?
- I don't know.

You know why that is?

Because you are a terrible
grocery store manager.

You had to turn the
shower on to tell me that?

And you're FBI!

[EXHALES]

I'm going to need you to say it.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

I love you.

So what happens next?

Your friend paid her
lawyer in counterfeit.

And that's going to
link you to the m*rder.

I meant with us.

We'll figure something out.

If by "figure something out,"

you mean "turn on my sister..."

We'll figure something else out.

[KNOCKING]

Are you guys taking a shower?

- Uh, yeah.
- No, no.

There was a weird bug in the tub,

and it wouldn't go down the drain.

Yeah, we... we almost got him.

Okay, that's also weird.

[FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING]

[SIGHS]

I can do that.

I put your, uh, plate in the oven.

The kids are already up in bed.

Are you okay?

I don't want to work for anyone else.

Me neither.

So...

what do you want?

I want to keep my kids.

I... I found this thing online.

It's called, I don't
know, 223, or something.

Anyways, we would rent a place,
and the kids would stay here.

And then you and I would switch off

every couple of days, and, you know,

split weekends and holidays and stuff.

Okay.

But we would have to
figure some stuff out.

Thank you.

I got fired.

Those shirts are stupid, anyway.

[CHUCKLES]

[SOFT MUSIC]

♪

He asleep?

He's doing that fake snoring thing,

and I definitely felt action
figures under the pillow.

Oh, yeah, them things came out

as soon as you shut the door.

[EXHALES] So what do
you want to do here?

When was the last time
we checked these things?

- Um, never.
- Okay.

I'm doing the kids' rooms, too.

There are other lawyers, right?

Oh, um... I also swapped out
the outside lights for LEDs,

so those'll be good for,
like, another five years.

- We got to get one.
- I already got one, babe.

I called the court-appointed guy back.

- He wants you to plead guilty.
- Hear me out.

- No.
- It's... it's five years max.

If I go in before Christmas,
I'll be out before Sara graduates.

- Absolutely not.
- I'll still be here in time

enough to teach Little
Money how to drive.

You know that's going to be an ordeal,

because my man can't even
ride his bike straight, so...

Can I sleep in your bed?

- No.
- Sure.

But if I get kicked in the head,

you get kicked to the curb.

Deal.

["FLY ON YOUR WALL" BY ANGEL OLSEN]

♪

♪ At first, it wasn't light ♪

♪ I went along for the ride ♪

♪ I was a fly on your wall ♪

♪ To see the height of it all ♪

♪

- Oh, what on Earth?
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Did I wake you?

What... what are you doing?

I get you groceries. I
pick up your dry cleaning.

And the appointments, Jesus.

You spend more time at the doctor...

and who even goes to
the post office anymore?

You know you can just do it all online.

- Well, I like to visit.
- Thank you, I'm aware of that.

You introduce me to every single person

every time we're there!

- What is this all about?
- And you know the worst part?

I was happy to do it.

Because I thought we were friends.

We are friends.

- Where is he?
- Who?

I am so sick of everyone lying to me.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Okay, okay, so the...
the Fleshlight is yours?

- What flashlight?
- Not flash.

Flesh, with an E.

- I don't even know...
- Boomer bought it!

There is literally no other explanation!

My credit card was stolen at the salon.

They fired the girl in front.

Besides that.

I-I'm sorry.

I-I think you should leave.

Marion, I thought you
might want your key back.

♪

Annie Banannie.