03x08 - Swing and a Miss

[bunniefuu]

[Joe] Previously on You:

I need to look at particular people
on particular dates.

I know Theo has a crush on me.
I could pretend like he had a chance.

Love's first husband asked for a divorce.
Next thing you know, he was dead.

[Joe] Look at you,
making the world more beautiful.

I won't let her hurt you, Marienne.
I will stay ahead of her this time.

Cary and I are polyamorous.

And we would love to take
our relationship to a new level.

Sherry and Cary would be a safe first try.

[Joe] Opening our marriage? This loophole
cannot be falling into my lap.

No idea is too crazy.

For you.

[Joe] Here's the thing, Marienne,

I'm a monogamist.
Some might even say a serial monogamist.

So imagine my surprise when my wife
suggested we read up on polyamory,

aka swinging, aka the lifestyle,

aka a flatlining marriage's dying gasp.

Is it mortifying?

[sighs] Well...

"Happily ever after is a myth

because people are not static.

Our partners do not owe us a guarantee
that they will never change."

Okay. It's not crazy.

I'm gonna go check on Henry.
I think he'll wake up soon.

I'm leaving out the part where if
your marriage isn't on rock-solid footing,

swinging is all but guaranteed to nuke it,

aka the dream.

Still, after my conversation with Dottie
about the fate of Love's first husband,

I need to tread lightly.

Be game but not too. Make it all her idea.

The Love I first met was a free spirit.

Reality has disappointed her
since we moved to Madre Linda.

I can make it easy to leave me,
no hard feelings, to go follow her bliss.

I learned a new word. "Compersion."

Yeah?

Vicarious joy from seeing your partner
have joyful sexual relations with another.

Hm.

I don't know if this is a good idea.

sh*t. Too game.

I'm not sure
we're in a solid enough place.

Okay, back off for a while.

Can I ask you something?

Did you and James ever
do anything like this?

No, he wasn't much of a risk taker.

Plus...

we weren't very far
into our marriage when...

- Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to ask.
- No, it's fine.

James didn't really know what he wanted.

We were planning on having a baby,

and he got cold feet.

And then he got sick,

which was obviously very scary.

But he used it like a shield.

And I wasn't, like,
allowed to be mad. Ever.

I'm so sorry.

That my wife almost definitely
m*rder*d her first husband.

It's fine. [chuckles softly]

- I probably sound like an assh*le.
- No.

Worse.

James let himself become
the villain of their story.

I cannot be the villain of ours.

Listen.

I'm not going anywhere.
Let's not rush this swinging thing.

It just...

It isn't me.

It isn't us.

Which is exactly why we're going to do it.

[theme music playing]

Hey, Dante. You got a sec?

Hey, yeah. What's up?

Well...

If you don't mind me asking,
you and Lansing,

you guys have been together for how long?

Let's see.

We met when Lansing's boys were .
So years.

Stop me if this is too personal.

Have you two always been monogamous?

Are you asking because I'm gay?

Oh, no. No, no, no. I...

[laughs] I'm f*cking with you.

And the answer is, technically, no.

Technically?

We tried a threesome once.

We'd been married a year
and our lives were just work,

kids, eat, sleep, repeat.

- But Lansing wanted to spice things up.
- How'd he convince you?

Didn't have to.

I love him so much.

I thought if this is what he wanted,
I should at least try it.

Just got off the phone with Amy Woodruff.

That name is familiar because...?

She edited every children's book
I'm obsessed with.

- Great.
- Oh, that's cool.

She was calling to congratulate me

on being a finalist
in her imprint's illustration contest...

- Congratulations.
- ...which I did not submit for.

But I seem to recall mentioning to you.

Yeah, yeah. Guilty, I...

I knew you wanted to submit, so...

Dante give us a sec.

[whistling]

Was I not clear?
You're a married man, we are not a thing.

No, we're friends. That's it.
But you missed the deadline

- for the last submission.
- I did.

Knowing how much
you b*at yourself up over that, I just...

Decided to do it for me?

I decided to help
because I knew you would win.

The world should see your work.

They're my deadlines to miss.

Yeah, message received.

You're right. Listen, I'm not the type
of guy to go around sticking my nose in,

so I'm sorry.

Good.

- Can I go back to being excited now?
- Please.

[squeals]

Um, I've gotta...

- f*ck. Of course.
- Yep.

[Joe] Great. It's Madre Linda's
most respected drug fiend.

Your custody hearing is approaching
and suddenly I'm seeing a lot more of him.

- Hi, Ryan.
- Well, you're in a good mood.

Yeah, it's, um, been nice having Juliette.

Smart to keep good news from him.

- So you ready for that thing on Friday?
- That thing?

Where you convince a judge that you're
not using our daughter to punish me?

I would've rather worked things out
like adults.

I thought that's what we were doing.

Juliette, time to go.

- Already?
- [Ryan] Don't argue.

Let me help you, baby.

[Joe] This is hard on your daughter.

I wish I could fix it.
I wanna fix everything for you.

- Did you have fun? All right.
- Mm-hm.

Henry's down for the night.

Hey.

Come to bed.

[Joe] Mm. Trying to reignite the spark,

and my move here is make it not so easy.

[sighs]

Sorry.

Long day.

Okay.

- How are we gonna get back to us?
- Love, I'm just tired.

Yeah. Or bored.

So far, so good.

- No, I'm... No, I...
- Maybe that's...

just what marriage does.

You know, I love us.

It's... But it's... It's known.
You know, I want a secret.

I wanna still be fun.

- You are fun.
- No, I mean, like, wild.

Like, you remember
those first few months we...

- You know?
- Yeah.

And now that's just over?

Because I'm a mom and a wife,

I can't be...?

Be honest.

Don't Sherry and Cary seem
more interesting

now that we know they swing?

- I thought you didn't want to.
- I don't know what I want.

I got married so young.

There's a lot of things
I never got to try.

Well, the last thing I wanna do is stand
between you and anything you want.

I have to guide her. Gently.

Do you have any fantasies?

Like, did you ever experiment?

Okay, I made out drunkenly
with my college roommate, you know...

- Total cliché.
- Total.

See. Boring.

No, I'm kidding.
I haven't done any experimenting either.

- So you've never had a threesome?
- No.

Unless you count under the bed
with Peach Salinger and her drug dealer.

You ever kiss a guy?

Would you?

Under the right circumstances,
I don't see why not.

Wow. Yeah, this is just fun
to talk about. [laughs]

[Joe] Time to move to the next step.

In all honesty, reading books is great.
But it does somehow feel clinical.

We could talk to the experts.

Bull's-eye.

I'm sure Sherry and Cary would be happy
to give us a walk-through.

I know you're not Sherry's biggest fan.

[Joe] I'd rather f*ck a cactus.

We're talking strictly physical, right?

It would be with Cary.
Also strictly physical.

Yeah, I'm not threatened by Cary
in the slightest.

- We would just be asking them questions.
- Yeah, we're not committing to anything.

[Cary] The nondisclosure is mandatory.

It's standard practice in a community
as tight-knit as ours.

So do you do a lot of these?

Can't confirm or deny but, I mean,

everyone in Madre Linda has tried
the lifestyle at some point.

[Joe] Huh. The burbs are even more
miserable than I thought.

Um... I, um...

Aw, damn you.

Oh, yeah, those look worth f*cking
my glycemic variability for.

Okay. Well...

- Mm.
- Here you go.

So, when you started the lifestyle,
were you two already in a good place?

Not as good as we are now.

Our marriage grew rock solid
through these little trust falls.

We can take you through a Q and A.

You know, no "presh,"
you'll see, the whole thing, it's very...

You're in control.

Great. Okay.

So let's just get started.
Obviously, STIs we should know about?

- No.
- Good.

Love, let's talk menstruation.

Um, I'm not due for another three weeks.

Cycle twins.

[laughing]

And our kids are at camp through August.

Okay, well, we...

We have a great babysitter.

Henry could stay
the night there if, you know...

[Joe] Suddenly this feels real.
They really are pros.

Well, let's get to the fun stuff.
What are you comfy with?

Joe, start with an easy one.

Are you good
with Love and I getting physical?

Yeah.

Girl-on-girl, usually a given.

Love and Cary.

[Joe] I couldn't care less
but can't appear too game.

I mean...

I trust you.

Love, are you good
with Joe and Cary fooling around?

Sure.

But... Are you...?

For the public,
the brand is conventional monogamy.

Some don't understand that
a bisexual man is a truly optimized man.

Okay, I can keep an open mind.

For you, Marienne,
I will walk through fire.

- What about Joe and me?
- Seeing as Love k*lled

- the last woman I almost slept with...
- That's a no.

- It's fine by me. What do you mean?
- I...

- Do you not want to?
- No, no, no. I thought...

Why?

- Because...
- Okay. Moving too fast.

- Yeah.
- Oh, what's happening?

We've been doing this a while,

and we can tell
when a foundation's a little shaky.

No shame, it's just you two are so...

young.

Hit us up if you get on the same page.

- What the f*ck just happened?
- [Joe] A major setback.

[Dante] Miss Bellamy.

Let's talk about your day-to-day routine
with visitation.

Who prepares your child's meals?

When Juliette's with me, I do.
When she's with Ryan, his mother does.

'Cause Juliette loves the taste
of unseasoned chicken.

[Joe] Even when you're practicing
for court, you're still delightful.

Excellent. Don't say that last part.

How would you describe
your recovery from addiction?

- Well, I have my weekly meetings...
- Nope. In the four years since.

- Give me a second.
- She's doing really well.

She needs to be perfect.

I stand before you
with an Ivy League education

and two successful stepsons.

We have been trying to adopt
for three years.

There's always a snag.

I'm being hard on you

- because I know what you're up against.
- I know. I'm trying, I just...

The fucker is plotting something,
and I can feel it.

We'll get there. Keep practicing.

Thank you, Dante.

[phone buzzing]

And I gotta go give Charlie
his lunch break.

- Can I actually talk to you for a second?
- Yeah.

So I know it's a lot to ask,

but it would mean so much to me
if you would be a character witness

at my hearing?

Of course. You're an incredible asset
to the library.

Cool. Great. Thanks.

But I actually need you to play up
the whole kick-ass mom thing.

I will character witness
the motherly living sh*t out of you.

Thank you.

Um...

Yeah, thank you. Uh...

[Joe] That was hope.

The least I can do...

is hasten the end of my marriage.

[phone buzzing]

Speak of the devil.

I guess we're having fun now.

The swinging book say to test your comfort
by role-playing little scenarios.

Okay, here we go.

The f*ck?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That's my bad.

You know, it's... It's not the most subtle
come-here of my life,

but I'm really...
I'm not complaining about it.

I don't know what you're talking about.
I didn't even see you there.

[Joe] Role-playing gets complicated fast,
evidently.

I don't know what you're talking about.
I didn't mean to throw this over here.

- [chuckles]
- Um...

I saw Joe's car in the driveway.

Yeah.

He's taking a nap.

I know...
I know I should be chill but, like...

Theo.

Oh.

You know, actually, Joe...
That's Joe. He's awake.

And he's watching us.

Well, then we better behave.

Right.

Wait, um, the...

Your dad. The office?

Yeah, I don't know. It's like...
It's impossible.

Okay.

But I'll figure it out.

I will.

Okay.

You're the best.

f*cking creep show.

Theo's still circling Matthew,
but he'll get there.

I gathered.

Did you?

Yeah.

How did that make you feel?

Jealous?

[Joe]
A large amount of nothing. However...

Possessive.

Yeah?

My wife needs to feel
like mildly transgressing

with that idiot rich kid did the trick.

She's not a boring, tired suburban mom.

[moaning]

She's fun. Wild.

Still the Love Quinn who flirts
with strangers in the produce section.

Which is why I'm going to satisfy her
as only someone who knows her can.

[continues moaning]

Safe. Reliable.

We can do anything together.

Satisfied but still hungry.

I love you so much.

That felt safe?

So safe.

Solid.

Do you think we're solid?
I think we're solid.

- I mean, if you think we are...
- Yeah.

You'll call the sitter? I'll text Sherry.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Theo. What happened?
- The Wi-Fi went out.

- What?
- The Wi-Fi went out.

Okay, it's probably a brownout.
Just give it a minute.

Do you think it has to do with the dozens
of servers you snuck into your office?

Are you sleeping okay?
Are you getting enough to eat?

Me? Yeah, I'm good.

- Okay. Good.
- You?

[laughs]

Uh... No. I'm... Yeah, obviously, I'm...

A bit of a rabbit hole. I know.

But if there's something...
If you wanna talk about...

Yeah, can we talk about how, like,
people aren't built to live in an office?

Without, like, taking a walk or something,
so their brain can air out.

Right.

Do you wanna walk
to Pobrecito's right now?

We could get some tacos.
We could hang out.

Yeah, I know. I...

Yeah, I'd love that. Um...

I gotta send this thing tonight though.

It's like... It's a letter to the dean

asking if I can drop in
on the classes that I'm missing.

- Really? That's great.
- Yeah. I'm sorry.

I mean, I really... I am hungry.

Well, no, no, that's great.

I'll bring you something back.
What do you want? Al pastor?

Yeah, yeah. That'd be great. Thanks, Dad.

Sure.

Okay, okay, okay.

What the f*ck?

It's scary, isn't it?

What is this?

You planted cameras, like...
Like, all over town?

No, no, no. They were there.
I'm just accessing them.

Accessing. But...

You realize
that this is domestic abuse, right?

That you so casually access.

I wouldn't be looking at Love
if she weren't connected to Natalie.

Or you.

What's that supposed to mean?

You tell me.

What is it you think
you're doing with Love Quinn?

- You spied on me?
- I didn't spy on you.

- What? You're accusing Love of m*rder?
- No.

I don't have proof yet.

But either way, she's a married woman
with a baby living next door,

not to mention a husband hiding
some anger management problem.

- What do you care?
- I care when you do stupid sh*t.

Oh, that's ironic

since I've been at your door,
trying to get you to eat or sleep.

And you've been f*cking buried in here,
obsessed, strung out

- like some f*cking QAnon nutjob.
- You're acting like a stupid f*cking brat!

Just move on, okay?
She's dead! She's dead!

None of this is gonna bring her back.

Get out.

- What?
- You heard me. Pack your sh*t.

You're going back to your mom's tomorrow.

Get the f*ck out now!

[door slams]

- [Love] Hey.
- [Sherry] Hello.

[groovy music playing]

Cary's getting the rest of the things
from the car.

[Joe] I'm afraid to ask, what things?

Wow, Sherry you look amazing.

I'm doing this for you.
I'm doing this for you.

Well, thanks again for hosting.
This remodel will be my death.

Elon's decorator is brilliant,
but he's so slow.

It's our pleasure.

There's... I made oysters.

Aphrodisiacs. Well played.

Ha, ha!

- Joe, Joe, Joe.
- [Joe] Are they moving in?

Bring it in.

[grunts]

[sniffs] Mm. Mm-mm-mm.

- Is that Bleu de Chanel?
- No, Cary. It's soap.

Love buys that stuff for me. So I...

A man that doesn't wanna
share his scent. Respect.

I'm sorry, what is this music?

- We'll need to change it stat.
- Babe, I'm all over it.

- You do primary setup.
- Primary?

And your bedroom is...?

- It's upstairs.
- But first...

To a night we won't forget.

[Joe]
To a blame-free exit from this marriage.

[R&B music playing]

[Joe] I'd like to get this over with,
but how do we get it started?

Okay, let's loosen up a bit, shall we?

I'll start.

Disclosure, I can get quite vocal
in the bedroom.

Don't let it alarm you.

She is a screamer, this one, okay?
I mean, get ready.

Love.

[Sherry laughing]

All right, everybody up.

Okay.

Okay. Up, up, up. All right.
Now, shake it out.

Oh, yeah. Full go.

Total liberation.

- I can feel it.
- Get in your hips.

Yes, you, let's do it over here.

- Go.
- Okay.

Okay,

- let's hit this from a spiritual angle.
- This is where they drop the act

- and ask us to join their cult.
- Look each other in the eyes.

She's scared. This isn't her,
but she desperately wants it to be.

Now, if you ever get overwhelmed,
just look at your partner. Connect.

At the end of the day,
that's who you're here for.

And if you feel too overwhelmed,
just use the safe word:

Hakuna matata.

Disney should sue these people.

Okay. No more talk. Let's dance.

Love?

Hey, you.

[laughing]

There's the Love I remember, free, open.

♪ I don't need to feel the sun
Let me touch your skin ♪

[Joe] I couldn't be happier for...
Oh, there it is. Compersion.

♪ Fill my mind with dirtiness
I'll inv*de your dreams ♪

Come on. I wanna show you
what I set up in the bedroom.

[Joe] And I'm officially terrified.

I did say I'd endure t*rture for you.

All right. Just remember,
tonight is a marathon, it is not a sprint.

We have to have each other's backs.

I got you covered.

My magic potions.

Stimulants, lab-grade shrooms,

liquid downregulation,

k*ller rest-and-recovery aid
but strong as d*ck.

I KO'd myself, like, six times
before getting my dosage right.

Yes.

This boosts testosterone like a mofo.

Okay.

For you.

[Joe]
Actually, I probably need it tonight.

Okay. Down the hatch.

Thattaboy.

Now...

allow me to introduce you to my ritual

for a night like tonight.

[humming]

Oh, ho-ho-ho.

Oh, Marienne.

You are the only one who could make
whatever's about to happen worthwhile.

It's okay, you can look at it.

Look at my d*ck.

Welcome to the real party, brother.

So glad you're here.

What the f*ck is happening?

If you don't wanna f*ck yourself,

how is someone else gonna
wanna f*ck you, my man?

Oh, of course. Cary is Cary-sexual.

Well, don't just stare.
Grab a mirror, join in.

[phone buzzes]

[Joe] My savior.

Cary, you know what?
This is our babysitter.

- Real quick. Real quick, real quick.
- Hey, we said no... phones.

[moans]

Hey.

- Is everything okay?
- I'm sorry.

I didn't know who else to call
'cause I have no friends because of him.

Ryan?

An anonymous e-mail went out
to all of my contacts.

I know it was him
because there were photos,

- explicit photos that only he has and...
- Oh, no. I know those photos.

And one of the people he sent it to
is Amy Woodruff, the editor,

the children's book editor.

And... And...

Now she'll never work with me.

[Joe] He is truly evil.

I'm so sorry.

I knew he was up to something.

He f*cking gets off on this sh*t.

The worst part about being married is
that they actually know you so well

that they can just use it
for the rest of your life.

Listen to me, those photos,

I know, sane people know,
Ryan weaponized them,

and that makes him the bad guy
and a disgusting excuse for a human being.

How am I supposed
to look at him in court tomorrow?

With pity. He's a piece of sh*t
and you're gonna win.

The rest...

we'll figure out, okay?

I'll help you,

if and only if you ask me to, of course.

Um...

Do you wanna come over?

I just...

I could really use a friend.

[Joe] I'd give anything to.

[Cary]
Joe, where the f*ck are you, brother?

I wish I could, but...

No, no, no. It's okay.

No, you've actually... You've done enough.

Thanks for answering, Goldberg.

You missed the finale in there.
Give it to me.

This will go in the phone bowl downstairs
with everybody else's.

[women giggling]

Well, it's go time.

Oh, welcome back.

I missed you.

[Joe] Someone's loose.

- Are you okay? You still seem tense.
- You think?

- I'm good. No, I'm good.
- He's just a little shy.

Oh, okay, so this is really happening.

Uh... Mm. Ow.

Watch.

Is there something wrong?

Are you okay with this?

More than okay.

[Joe] I'm embarrassed for us.

Ooh.

This is fine. This is great, even.

Sorry to ask twice,
but is there something wrong?

Hey, sweetie,
just wait for the pill to kick in.

Oh, yeah.

I'm not used to an audience, I think.

Oh, I get it. I get it.
Just remember, look at your partner.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah, go.

But I don't want Love,
I don't want Sherry.

I don't want any of this.
All I want is you.

There you are.

There you are.

I knew you'd come.

[moans]

Big boy. [grunts]

Yes.

[moaning loudly]

Hakuna matata!

- Gotta be f*cking kidding me.
- f*ck!

- f*ck. Somehow I just became the bad guy.
- No, it's okay. It's all right.

[Joe] sh*t.

I cannot let her blame me
for this sh*t show.

Hey.

What happened?

Who is she?

Excuse me?

Who were you thinking about just then?

Nobody. Just you. It's always you.

Bullshit.

I know you, Joe.

I know what I do will never
be good enough for you.

This was your idea.

Well, I had to do something.

Or what?

Why do you act like I'm not all in?
I am right here.

All I do is worry about you.

I don't need you to worry about me.

I need your heart.

- Henry needs your heart.
- Leave Henry out of this.

I can't, Joe.

Unlike you, I have to be his mother / .

In addition to running a f*cking business,

keeping this house together,
dragging you to therapy,

trying to be my sexiest self so you don't
get bored and find another Natalie.

- Can you please lower your voice?
- Why? You hate hearing the truth?

- Our marriage is completely one-sided.
- That is absurd.

You made me k*ll her.

In addition
to being mother of the f*cking year,

I had to run interference
on one of your f*cking patterns!

- I k*lled Natalie for you!
- Shut...

up.

[floor creaking]

Was that...?

[Joe] f*ck me.

Maybe they didn't hear anything.

We have to know for sure.

Okay, well,

Sherry has this tell when she's lying,
she scratches her arm.

I'll follow your lead.

Okay.

[both moaning]

- There you are.
- Hey.

Take any longer,
I'd have to shuck the corn again.

I'm so sorry, guys. I just got in my head.

I'm good now.

I hope I didn't k*ll the vibe.

Oh, my God, of course not.

- It's so easy to get overwhelmed.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Now...

[clears throat]

where were we?

[Joe] I just can't tell.

Something wrong?

Oh, I'm great.
Why don't we get on the bed?

Go.

Hey, Sherry.

[both grunting]

I don't know what you think you heard...

But we're...

[yelps]

There you go.
It's gonna end badly for Love too.

Sherry knows Krav Maga.

Go to sleep, buddy.

[yells]

[Sherry] Let me go!

No! No, please! No! God!

[Joe] That does not sound good.

He could be at Matthew's by now.

Guess I'm gonna use Cary's gift
from the hunting trip after all.

[shouts]

Cary, let's go back inside.
We can talk about this.

This is it. I never see you again.

I get impaled, Love goes to prison.

Henry grows up in the system.

No.

[Cary screams]

Are you okay?

[moaning]

Holy f*cking sh*t.

I think that was the best sex
we've ever had.

[Joe] Yes, it was.

The spark our marriage needed
doesn't come from swinging.

Our love language is v*olence.

[Joe] sh*t.

- Hey.
- What happened to the car?

Love spilled fruit sauce.
So I'm just getting it before it sets in.

At a.m.?

Couldn't sleep.

Doesn't look like he's gotten much either.

You okay?

What was that last night?

Last night? Oh, we were...
I mean, were we that loud?

We had a kid with a sitter,
had a little fun.

With the Conrads? I saw their car.

Yeah, they were here for a second. Yeah.

Oh.

I thought I heard someone scream.

It was drunken shenanigans.
It was harmless, really. I'm embarrassed.

Stupid fun, really.

Yeah, you and your wife, Love.
Just having fun.

Yeah, again,
I apologize if it disturbed you.

We were saying we should have you over
for dinner sometime soon.

Yeah, real busy with work. But sometime.

Sometime.

I put my best friend...

in a cage.

Oh, my God.

I am so grateful for you.

I don't know anybody else
who would understand.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

Okay.

I'm gonna make breakfast

and then I can contact Henry's sitter
to see if they'll take him longer.

We can just clean up.

We'll go over there.
We'll "good cop, bad cop" them.

[Joe] She's too good at this now.
This should not be routine.

We will get through this, okay?

I don't want to, I want you...
sh*t. Your custody hearing.

Joe?

I forgot, I promised to fill in for Dante.
He's got a thing and I have to...

I'll be fast, meet you soon as I'm done.
Don't do anything until I get there.

- You are, as ever, an inspiration.
- Thank you.

Well, that happened.

- You k*lled it.
- You were so great.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. Flawless, unimpeachable.

Dare I say, unironically,
mother of the year.

I'm so glad you were here. Both of you.

Thank you.

[inaudible dialogue]

What was that?

Are Ryan and the judge friends?

You were right. The system is rigged.

Come on, Dante. We're gonna go.

And as long as he's in the picture,
you are always going to lose.

Hey. You good?

Yeah, I'm okay. What about...?

Oh, they're... They're just waking up.

Hey.

We're a team, okay?

Till death do us part.

[Joe] Clearly, my plan has backfired.
My wife seems more into me than ever.

Swinging was supposed to be
my marriage's dying gasp, not theirs.

How the f*ck are these two
getting out of here alive?

[theme music playing]