05x16 - Trapped

[bunniefuu]

(upbeat theme music)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you,
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

(upbeat music)

- Honey bun.

- Hmm?

- I've just been through the
medicine chest in the bathroom

and we need a lot of things.

- Oh, fine.

Make a list, I'll get 'em
when I go into Drucker's.

- Ah, you're a good man,
Oliver Wendell Douglas.

(playful music)

Oliver Wendell?

- Yes?

- Do you need any shampoo?

- I don't know.

- Well, the last time
you took a shower

and you squeezed the
tube, did anything come out?

- Yes.

- Well, then you don't
need any shampoo.

Thank you for your time, O-W-D.

(playful music)

Wendell, baby?

- Oh, for.

What now?

- Would you come
here a moment, please?

- What is it?

- Where does this door lead to?

- I haven't the faintest idea.

- You mean you've been
passing by this door for three years

and you don't know
where it's going?

- Well, you've been
passing by it for three years.

You don't know where it's going.

- Well, I'm not supposed to.

I'm a woman.

- What does that mean?

- That means you yell at
me when I borrow your razor.

- Uh, let's stick to the door.

- All right, where does it go?

- I don't know.

When we bought the house
from Mr. Haney, he didn't tell me.

- And you never asked him?

- Oh, I tried it a couple of
times, but it was stuck tight.

I think it's probably
a small closet.

- And that's the end of it?

- Well, no.

I don't guess it is now
that you've stuck your

cute little Hungarian
nose into it.

- Never mind the nose.

Just try to open the door.

- Hey, it's starting to give.

(clattering)

(audience laughs)

- Oliver, where are you?

- (groans) Down here.

- Oh, I'll be right down.

- Be careful.

There's a flight of stairs.

- Why would they have a
flight of stairs in a small closet?

- It's not a closet.

It's a cellar.

Get a... (groans)

Get a flashlight.

(subdued music)

- I'm coming.

What is this place?

- Oh, it looks like it was
used for a root cellar.

- Well, what is that?

- Farmers used them to
store turnips, and potatoes,

and things like that
through the winter.

- Oh, we have something
like this in Hungary

except it was
called goulash cellar.

- Goulash cellar?

- Yes.

My mother used to
fill it up with goulash.

Then, when she
didn't feel like cooking,

she would go down in
the cellar and get a potful.

- It sounds very appetizing.

Well, not appetizing.

- Well, it's like a TV
dinner, but in the cellar.

- Do you feel a cold draft?

- Yes.

- I think there's some
kind of an opening

behind this crate here.

Some sort of a...
Some sort of a cave.

- [Lisa] Oh.

- Here, give me a light.

(mysterious music)

- Oh, look at this little thing.

It looks like a lantern.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's get a little
light in here.

- Oh, look at that.

- Hey.

- It's a still.

- How do you know?

- Well, my father used
to have one in the palace.

He used to make
bootleg Slivovitz

and smuggled it into Poland.

- Oh, that's very...

- And during the w*r, the
underground used his booze

to blow up bridges.

It was called
Budapest Bang Bang.

- This must've belonged
to Mr. Haney's father.

He probably made bootleg
liqueur during Prohibition.

- Ooh, it's cold in here.

(sneezes)

(cracking)

What was that?

- I don't know.

- Do you think
it's safe in here?

- Well, this cave must've
been here for over 40 years.

These timbers seem pretty solid.

(scraping and cracking)

- [Lisa] Look out, Oliver

(sneezes)

(clattering)

- [Oliver] Gesundheit.

(coughing)

- Oliver, we're trapped.

- Don't panic.

- How are we going to get out?

- We'll dig our way out.

- That's what you always say.

- When did I ever say that?

- Well, what are
you going to dig with?

- Oh, there must be
something here I can use.

(wood breaks)

- Didn't you ever take
sand pile in kindergarten?

- The wood is rotten.

(door slams)

Somebody just came in.

- Who is it?

- Well, how would...
- Mr. Douglas?

Mr. Douglas?

- I think it's Eb.

- I guess the old
grouch ain't home.

(rock and roll music on radio)

- Eb!

The nut.

He turned on the radio.

- Why, that's good.

When he hears on the news
that we are trapped down here,

he'll come down and get us.

- Lisa, please.

Eb!

- Eb!

- Don't yell in my ear.

- Fine.

Would you like me to blow in it?

- No.

Eb!

- Oh, boy.

Fried chicken.

- Eb!

(metal clanging)

- Man, that drummer
plays a cool kettle drum.

- He's never gonna
hear us with that radio on.

- Oh, look, Oliver.

There is a pipe here.

- Yeah, that cellar was
to the left of the bathroom.

We must be under the kitchen.

I'll bet that's where
this pipe goes.

(metal banging)

- He should've
stuck to the drums.

He's nowhere with the vibe.

- If I could loosen this, I
might be able to call up to him.

- Do you have his number?

- Just my luck to be
trapped down here with a...

- With a what?

- Hey, I think it's loosening.

Ah.

- Oh, my hero.

- I better tidy up before
the old crab gets back.

- Now, let's see if
he can hear me, huh?

- May I ask exactly
what you accomplished?

- Look, Lisa.

(metal banging)

- Come in.

Huh.

- Eb!

(audience laughs)

- Oliver, couldn't you
get us out of here first?

And then you can drink
all the water you want.

- Oh.

(metal banging)

- Who's pounding on the pipe?

- [Oliver] It's me.

- Who's me?

- Mr. Douglas.

- I'm sorry, he's not here.

- I know he's not.

- Is there any message?

- Will you listen?

This is Mr. Douglas.

- What are you
doing in the sink?

- We're not in the
sink, we're under it.

- No, you're not!

- Eb, listen to me.

Mrs. Douglas and I are
in some sort of a cave

under the kitchen.

- There's no cave
under the kitchen.

- Yes, there is.

I found an old still down here.

- Leave it to you.

You sure have a nose for booze.

- Eb, will you please help us?

We're trapped.

Now, come on down here.

See if you can dig us out.

- How do I get down there?

- Walk out of the kitchen
into the living room

and turn left and go down
the hall to the bathroom.

- I don't have to
go to the bathroom.

- Oh, that miserable.

Just before the bathroom
there's another door.

It leads to a cellar.

You understand?

- Yes, sir.

I'll be right there.

Mr. Douglas?

- What?

- Which way do I turn
when I get to the bathroom?

- You don't have to
go to the bathroom.

- That's what I told you.

- Eb, just before you
get to the bathroom,

there's another door.

- Oh, I think I know now.

I'll be right with you.

Bathroom.

(clattering)

- What was that?

- Sounds like dum dum
fell down the cellar stairs.

- It seems to me there
was another dum dum

who did the same thing.

- Mr. Douglas, where are you?

- We're behind
that pile of rubble.

Can you dig us out?

- Not by myself.

- Well, drive into Drucker's
and get some help.

- Yes, sir.

Mr. Douglas?

- What?

- Can I have the
keys to the car?

- Can I have the
keys to the car?

- Well, I haven't got them,
I thought you had them.

- When I get... Take
your motor scooter!

- Yes, sir.

Don't go away.

- Don't go away.

To think that our
lives may be hanging

by the thin thread
of his intelligence.

- Well, that's a
confronting thought.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat music)

- [Eb] Drucker!

- Eb, watch it.

(wood thumps)

Holy smoke.

You all right?

- Yeah, I guess so.

I just hit my head.

- What was your big hurry?

- It was something
very important.

Mr. Douglas told me to, uh.

- Yeah?

- I forget.

- How about lying
down in the back room?

- No, I don't think that's what
Mr. Douglas told me to do.

- How about a doctor?

- What's the
matter, are you sick?

- Eb, I think you better come
lie down in the back room

and I'll get a cold
towel for your head.

- Yes, sir.

(wood breaks)

- Oh.

It's no use.

- I wonder what is
taking Eb so long.

- That's right, he's been
gone over two hours.

Eb!

Eb!

- Oliver, I'm cold.

Couldn't you light a fire?

- And fill this place
up with smoke?

- But, couldn't you
light one without smoke?

- I'm afraid not.

- How about plugging
in the electrical heater?

- What electrical heater?

- The one we have
upstairs in the bedroom.

- And just how could I do that?

- You could use a
long extension cord.

- The air must be
getting bad down here.

Why don't we do something
to get our blood circulating?

- All right.

Are you circulating?

- Yes, but I meant exercise.

- What kind of exercise
did you have in mind?

- You know.

One, two, three, four.

- Kissing is more fun.

- Come on.

- [Both] One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

- Hello?

Anybody home?

- Shh.

I think I heard somebody.

(playful music)

(audience laughs)

(Oliver grunts)
(audience laughs)

Hello?

- Well, I was just, uh.

Well, I was.

- [Oliver] Hello?

- To whom am I talking?

- Hello?

- Hello?

- Is that you, Eb?

- No, it's Hank Kimball.

- Who is it?

- It's Mr. Kimball.

- Oh, I'm glad
somebody showed up.

- Yeah, but why did
it have to be him?

Mr. Kimball?

- Where are ya?

- Go over to the sink.

Talk into the drain.

- How are you, drain?

- Oh, isn't that cute?

- Mr. Kimball, can you hear me?

- Oh, yeah.

You're coming
through loud and clear.

Boy, first time I've
ever talked to anybody

through a sink-o-phone.

Well, over and out.

- Who have I offended?

Mr. Kimball, Mrs. Douglas
and I are trapped down here.

We need somebody
to help us get out.

- Well, I'll go get a plumber.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Kimball?

(door slams)

Mr. Kim... Oh.

- Oh, there, there.

Tears won't help.

- Oh, Lisa.

- Oh, buck up your chin.

- Buck up?

- Oh, come on.

- [Both] One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

- Feeling any better, Eb?

- A little.

If I can just remember what
Mr. Douglas sent me in for.

- Well, just relax.

It'll come back to you.

- Let me see.

I remember listening to
somebody play the kettle drum.

- Just take it easy, Eb.

I'll get you another cold towel.

- How long has Eb been gone?

- Over four hours.

I can't understand where...
- I'm hungry.

Why don't you go to the
pipe and call room service?

- You're full of
vittikisms today.

- The word is witticism.

- What difference does it make?

We're trapped.

- Yeah, but.

- You know, we might be
right under the refrigerator.

There's the cold chicken,
and the ham, and the eggs.

- Look, Lisa. (wood tapping)

I think somebody came in.

(audience laughs)

(Arnold grunting)

Sounds like Arnold.

- Oh, we're saved.

- Only if we can get our hands
on him and make a barbecue.

- What a terrible thing to say.

Tell him we're down here.

- What good will...

- Never mind, I tell him.

He doesn't like you anyway.

Hello, Arnold?

Arnold?

(grunting)

Get close to the sink.

Can you hear me?

(grunting)

He heard me.

- Well, bully for you.

- Arnold, Mr. Douglas and I
are trapped here in the cellar.

Now, I know that you
don't like Mr. Douglas,

but forget about him
and concecrate on me.

- Yeah, concecrate on her.

- Do you want him to
help us or don't you?

- Be my guest.

Only, don't tie up
the pipe too long.

Somebody else
may want to talk to us.

- Arnold.

Arnold, are you still there?

(grunting)

Here is what I want you to do.

Go get help.

Tell them we're
trapped here in the cellar

and to bring shovels.

(grunting)

Shovels.

S-C-H.

How do you spell shovels?

- Oh, boy.

- Well, somebody will
know how to spell it.

Remember, we counting on you.

(grunting)

Oh, Oliver, we're saved.

- Oh, sure.

- Don't you have
any faith in Arnold?

- I'd feel more secure
if he was Lassie.

- Well, between Arnold,
and Eb, and Mr. Kimball,

somebody ought to save us.

- Oh, yeah.

We got a great
group going for us.

- I'll be with you
in a minute, Haney.

I've gotta go put another
cold towel on Eb's head.

- Take your time, Sam.

An emergency is more
important than a can of beans.

(Arnold squealing)

Oh, it's you.

(grunting)

- What's the matter with Arnold?

- Oh, now don't believe
a word he says, Sam.

I was just testing these
gumdrops to see if they is fresh.

(grunting)

- He's upset.

Seems like he's trying
to tell us something.

What is it, Arnold?

(grunting)

I'm sorry, I don't
understand you.

You want to buy a dog leash?

- I guess he must've
bought himself a dog.

- You don't want a dog leash?

A dog collar?

Dog biscuits?

Dog what?

Dog less?

Dog less.

Douglas.

(squealing)

What about him?

- Sam, are you gonna
play charades with the pig

or are you gonna wait on me?

- Just a second, Haney.

Mr. Douglas mousetrap?

Mr. Douglas mouse?

Mr. Douglas trap?

Trapped.

(squealing)

Where?

- Sam, are you gonna...

- Just a second, Haney.

Salt cellar?

Mr. Douglas trapped
in a salt cellar?

- Oh, that was an old
movie on TV last night.

It was Melvin Douglas
and he was trapped

in this salt mine in Siberia.

- Is that what you're talking
about, Melvin Douglas?

Look, Arnold, I'm busy.

Olives?

Oliver, Oliver.

(Arnold squeals)

Oliver Douglas
trapped in a salt cellar.

(Arnold squealing)

- Hey, he's right.

I just remembered.

That's what I
came over to tell ya.

Mr. Douglas and Mrs. Douglas
are trapped in a salt cellar.

Well, it's not a salt cellar,

it's kind of a cave
under the house

where Mr. Haney's
father had a still.

- Well, holy smoke.

- Now, just a second, Sam.

I resent the implication
on my pappy's good name.

He might have done a
lot of things in his lifetime,

but most of them was legal.

- Look, we better...

- Mr. Douglas
said it was a still.

- Well, it might have
looked like a still,

but in reality it was
a nit picking machine.

- Fellas.

- A nit picking machine?

- Yeah, he invented it the
year we had the big nit epidemic.

- And he never made
any liqueur with it?

- Oh, he might have
made a few bottles

of nit wine now and then.

- Fellas, we're wasting time.

The Douglases have
been trapped nearly all day.

Grab a shovel.

We gotta dig 'em out of there.

- Oh, Oliver, I'm frightened.

- Oh now, there's
nothing to worry about.

Somebody will find us.

- But, suppose they don't.

Suppose there is
no more air left here

and they don't get here
in time to resusiticate us?

- Don't talk that way?

- That's the only way
I know how to talk.

- No, I mean, don't give up.

- Oliver, shouldn't
we sing something?

- Like what?

- Something like.

♪ Swing low sweet Harriet

- I don't think
that's appropriate.

- What did they
sing in the movies

when the Titanic went down?

- Lisa, this isn't the end.

- But, in case it is, I want
you to know that being

married to you
was the nicest thing

that ever happened to me.

Why, it was even nicer than
when I lived with the baron.

- What?

- Well, you know
my uncle, the baron.

My aunt and my
uncle took care of me

while my father was
painting the palace.

- Oh, that baron.

- Oliver, you know they
say that at a time like this

your whole life
passes in front of you.

- Yeah, I've heard that, too.

- Are you passing?

- No.

- Neither am I.

Do you suppose there is
something wrong with us?

- I think it would be
better if we didn't talk

and conserved...
(car approaching)

I think I heard a car.

(upbeat music)

- This way.

This way.

Follow me.

(clattering)

- What was that?

- Sounds like dum
dum finally got back.

(whistling)

- Oliver, Oliver?

- What?

What are you waking me up for?

Look, I'm exhausted.

- But, there's
somebody in the kitchen.

- Huh?

(whistling)

What the?

Mr. Kimball.

- Oh, Mr. Douglas.

I'm sorry it took me
so long to get back,

but I couldn't find a plumber,

so I brought this
plumber's helper.

I'll have you out in no time.

- Fine, fine.

Have fun.

Goodnight.

- Goodnight.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat theme music)

- [Lisa] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling.