PART THREE
Written by Graeme Curry
Original air date: 16th November, 1988
Run time: 24:25
Forum Square
The Doctor: I want to find out if there's an artist appearing in the Forum tonight.
Doorman: I'll just have a look at my list.
The Doctor: Her name is Ace.
Doorman: I can't do anything till I find my list, now can I?
Doorman: Oh dear. Doesn't look like Daphne S went down too well, now does it?
Daisy: Big smiles, girls. It's show time.
Helen A's home
Helen: Look at them, Fifi. Dreary clothes, turgid music and terrible deportment. Oh, they really are so depressing. Happiness will prevail. Happiness Patrol section F, prepare to effect a large scale disappearance. A drone demonstration is heading towards Forum Square. Proceed there directly. Take no prisoners.
Forum Square
Doorman: Ace Sigma, wasn't it?
The Doctor: Yes.
Doorman: What does she do, then?
The Doctor: Do?
Doorman: Sing, dance, juggle, magic, vent or impressions?
The Doctor: She makes things disappear.
Doorman: Magic.
The Doctor: (quietly) Nothing magical about the way she does it.
Doorman: No, I've nothing down here under magic, but I can do you an Ace Sigma on the miracle survival act.
The Doctor: What does that mean? No, don't tell me. If she survives, it's a miracle.
Helen A's home
Helen: There we are. And the last one. Ah, there we are, my darling. All mended. We're a team, Fifi, you and I. We help each other, and we will make this a happy planet, in spite of all the killjoys and the bunglers that surround us. And if they're miserable, we put them out of their misery. After all, it's for their own good. But first of all, a little harmless revenge. You take the vermin in the pipes, I'll take the vermin in the Forum.
Forum Square
Tannoy: This is a public happiness announcement. A depression is moving towards Forum Square. The proper authorities will restore harmony and peace.
Trevor: Doctor.
The Doctor: Trevor Sigma. Come to see the fun? Or is that classified information?
Trevor: No, I'm leaving this planet. I've completed my census.
The Doctor: Oh, is that it? And where are the Census Bureau going to send you next?
Trevor: Earth. Have you been there?
The Doctor: Once or twice.
Trevor: Miserable sort of place.
The Doctor: You're making me feel nostalgic. Wait a minute. You can't give them these names. I know them. Harold V, Silas P. They might have lived here once, but...
Trevor: They've disappeared. I know. Strange, isn't it? Don't ask me why, but that is what they wanted.
The Doctor: How long is it since you were last on this planet?
Trevor: Er, six months ago.
The Doctor: So, this represents six months worth of Helen A's handiwork. A list of the disappeared.
Trevor: That's right.
Street
Priscilla: Over there.
Man: What?
Priscilla: In the shadows. A killjoy. Dark coat, drooping shoulders, a tear glistening on the cheekbone. Summary execution.
Man: Not this time, Priscilla. Save it for the drones. Drive on.
Forum Square
The Doctor: It's still the same old story, a fight for love or glory, a case of do or die.
The Doctor: Earl.
Earl: The drones are on their way.
The Doctor: Thank you, Earl. Everything's beginning to fall into place. As time goes by.
The Doctor: You're late.
Ace: Doctor!
The Doctor: You don't know how happy I am to see you, Ace!
Daisy: I'm glad you're happy, Doctor, but now it's fun time. Have a nice death.
Ace: Doctor!
The Doctor: It's all right, Ace. They can't sh**t me because they see before them a happy man! And their logic tells them, twisted though it be, that as such they have no power over me. I may have been some time ago a little grouchy, perhaps, a little bad-tempered, but not today. No, because today the Doctor and the drones are having a ball!
The Doctor: You can't do it, Happiness Patrol section B. You can't go down in the history of the galaxy as a bunch of partypoopers. The only killjoys in this square are behind you!
The Doctor: They're just wallowing in their own...
Gilbert: Weltschmertz.
The Doctor: Weltschmertz. All except Susan Q and Ace, who are happy to see me!
The Doctor: Very happy.
Daisy: Priscilla P, stop it.
Ace: Come on, Professor, get this heap of junk moving.
Execution yard
Helen: Lovely evening.
Joseph: Yes, dear.
Helen: It's the sort of evening that makes you happy to be alive. I said, it's the sort of evening that makes you happy to be alive!
Joseph: Oh. Yes, dear. I'm glad you're happy.
Helen: And I'm happy you're glad.
Tannoy: Happiness will prevail. Chaos in Forum Square. Fighting has broken out in the ranks of the Happiness Patrol itself. Happiness will prevail.
Helen: No matter how hard I try, no matter how much work I put in, something always happens. Even moments like this aren't sacred. But one day, we will be happy. One day, I will be appreciated.
Joseph: Yes, dear.
Helen: Here, you wait for Fifi. I suppose I'd better deal with this myself.
Joseph: Yes, dear.
Street
Ace: Where to now, Professor?
The Doctor: To the top.
Waiting zone
Priscilla: Keep playing. Enjoy yourself.
Daisy: Strictly speaking, P, this game is for killjoys. And I am not a killjoy.
Priscilla: You pick up a lot in five years on the streets. You can see it in their eyes. You can feel their fear. They know you're watching.
Daisy: Ah, it's Helen A!
Priscilla: Ignore it. It's just a recording.
Helen (on screen): It's not a recording. I'm broadcasting live. Put down your g*n and release Daisy K.
Priscilla: But she's a killjoy. I arrested her myself.
Helen (on screen): I'm losing patience. Put down your g*n.
Priscilla: What shall I do, ma'am?
Helen (on screen): You're in the Waiting zone. Wait.
Pipe
Ace: Here's company, Professor.
The Doctor: Ah, Wulfric, Wences.
The Doctor: That sounds like a Stigorax. I haven't met one since I was in Birmingham in the twenty fifth century. Ruthless, intelligent predators.
Wences: Danger!
Wulfric: Fifi!
The Doctor: Fifi? That wouldn't be Fifi as in Fifi the annoyed rat you claim to have blown to smithereens?
Ace: Nobody's perfect, Professor.
The Doctor: Including Fifi.
The Doctor: This way, I think.
Wences: That way danger.
The Doctor: Precisely.
Helen A's office
Helen: So. What are we left with after this little local difficulty in Forum Square. Remind me.
Daisy: A posse heading out towards the sugar factories, and the Doctor and his g*ng roaming the city.
Helen: Nothing insoluble there. All the factories are heavily protected and we'll soon track down the Doctor.
Daisy: He may have gone down into the pipes.
Helen: Excellent. We'll leave Fifi to deal with him.
Pipe
Ace: What was that?
Earl: Sounded like an A flat to me.
The Doctor: Shush. Whisper.
Susan: Why are we whispering?
Earl: Crystallised syrup. As it ages it becomes unstable.
Ace: So any loud noise could set off an avalanche.
The Doctor: Hardly any loud noise, just certain loud noises.
Ace: Crucial.
The Doctor: I want you to go down the other end with the Pipe People.
Ace: Come on, Professor.
The Doctor: Take Susie Q with you. Come on. Run!
The Doctor: Earl, give me an A flat.
Earl: Eh?
The Doctor: No, A flat.
Earl: Why?
The Doctor: Resonance. Sympathetic vibrations. Haven't you read the paper of Doctor John Wallace to the Royal Society in 1677? Quickly.
The Doctor: Wrong note. Er, give me a C.
Earl: Isn't this dangerous?
The Doctor: Yes. Keep playing.
Helen A's office
Tannoy: Happiness will prevail. Factory guards are joining forces with the drones to destroy the Nevani sugar beet plant here in sector six. We will keep broadcasting.
Helen: It's only one factory, Daisy K. I've built over a thousand.
Daisy: What about the reports of riots, hmm? And public unhappiness?
Helen: Simple. All we need is someone who knows the streets like the back of her hand. Someone who is a good fighter, and someone above all who is fiercely loyal. Who do you suggest? Priscilla P, perhaps?
Daisy: She's a fanatic.
Helen: That's how I like them. Get me the Waiting zone.
Helen: Get me the Kandyman.
Daisy: You're not unhappy about something?
Helen: Daisy, get me the Kandyman!
Kandy Kitchen
Kandyman: Kandyman.
Helen A's office
Helen: I want the Doctor, and I want him now. I don't care what you do, I don't care how far you have to go.
Kandy Kitchen
Kandyman: That won't be necessary.
Helen A's office
Helen: Why not?
Kandyman (O.C.): He's just dropped in.
Kandy Kitchen
The Doctor: Kandyman, I don't believe you've met my young friend, Ace. An expert in calorification, incineration, carbonisation and inflammation.
Kandyman: I beg your pardon?
The Doctor: She's come to look at your oven.
Kandyman: Has she, indeed? Then she should wait to be asked. Impolite guests get to feel the back of my candy hand.
The Doctor: That may be, Kandyman, but the last time we met you said you were going to k*ll me.
Kandyman: Really, Doctor? Thank you for reminding me.
Ace: I wouldn't give that pimple head a hundred to one against you, Professor.
Kandyman: Pimple head? I'm disappointed in you, Doctor. I expected you to choose your friends more carefully. Still, she won't be a friend much longer, will she.
The Doctor: I agree, you are a pimple head.
Kandyman: I'm finding this rather tiresome. Heads or tails, Doctor?
The Doctor: Tails. Well?
Kandyman: That would be telling.
The Doctor: You're playing a dangerous game, Kandyman. That red-hot poker could cut through you like a Kn*fe through butterscotch.
Kandyman: I have to bow, however reluctantly, to your logic, which leaves me only one alternative.
The Doctor: Quick, Ace. Open the oven door!
Ace: What about the Kandyman?
The Doctor: Oh, he'll keep. He's full of colouring, flavouring and preservative.
Street
Earl: Blissful, isn't it, Doctor? Silence.
The Doctor: Ah, not quite. I can hear the sound of empires toppling.
Earl: And thanks to this lady and her fun g*n, she can take out a loudspeaker playing muzak at a hundred paces.
Ace: Can I have a go, Professor?
The Doctor: Wanton destruction of public property? Certainly not.
Kandy Kitchen
Wences: Wicked.
Helen A's office
Daisy: No reply.
Helen: He must still be in the Kandy Kitchen.
Daisy: I've already tried there.
Helen: Try it again.
Helen: I wonder where he can be?
Execution yard
Joseph: Close to the Kandyman, were you?
Gilbert: I made him.
Joseph: Really? How very interesting.
Gilbert: Only his body. His mind was very much his own.
Joseph: I certainly don't recall the chap ever arriving.
Gilbert: He was born in the Kandy Kitchen.
Joseph: Whereas you came from Vasilip, if memory serves.
Gilbert: I was exiled from Vasilip. I brought his bones here in a suitcase.
Joseph: Exiled, you say?
Gilbert: I made a mistake. I was working in the state laboratories. Without realising it, I invented a deadly new germ. The disease wiped out nearly half the population.
Joseph: Still, hardly your fault. Can't you just pack him up and start again?
Gilbert: Not this time. He's better off this way. The Kandyman's gone.
Helen A's home
Daisy: Will you be away long?
Helen: Away?
Daisy: You're packing a case. I assume...
Helen: Why should I be going away?
Daisy: I just thought. The situation here.
Helen: There's nothing wrong, is there, Daisy K?
Daisy: No, of course not. Everything's fine.
Tannoy: Happiness will prevail. One hundred and twelve factories have now fallen to the rebels as they continue their drive westwards.
Helen: As you said, Daisy K. Everything's fine. I'm happy.
Daisy: I'm glad you're happy.
Pipe
Ace: Are we under the palace now?
The Doctor: Yes, this is where we get in.
The Doctor: Okay, Wences, this is the point at which we must say goodbye.
Wulfric: Doctor...
The Doctor: No protests. Soon you'll be back in the sugar fields.
Ace: Something's taking off.
The Doctor: Yes. It sounds like a shuttle.
Helen A's office
Helen: Gilbert M!
Gilbert (on screen): It's all working quite beautifully, Helen A, as you can see. A masterful piece of engineering, even though I say so myself.
Helen: You betrayed me!
Gilbert (on screen): My only complaint is the company. I don't know how you put up with it.
Helen: How did you get into my escape shuttle?
Gilbert (on screen): That's what I was saying. The captain let me in.
Helen: Who is this captain? Let me see him.
Joseph (on screen): Goodbye, dear.
Helen: What are you doing there? You're supposed to be waiting for Fifi.
Joseph (on screen): Really, dear? It must have slipped my mind.
The Doctor: Ah, I was looking for Helen A. Perhaps you could tell her...
Daisy: You're too late, Doctor. She's gone. But I'm delighted to see you.
The Doctor: Susan Q. Who taught you to sh**t like that?
Susan: She did.
The Doctor: Oh, thank you, Daisy K.
Ace: You all right, Professor?
The Doctor: Splendid.
Ace: Hello, faceache.
Susan: Yeah, no more lift music.
Earl: Unless it sounds like this.
Street
The Doctor: You can't get away, Helen A.
Helen: There's a scheduled flight in an hour. You can't stop me, Doctor.
The Doctor: Oh, I know I can't, but it's not me you're running away from.
Helen: Who is it, then?
The Doctor: Yourself. That's why you'll never escape.
Helen: They didn't understand me.
The Doctor: Oh, they understood you only too well. That's why they resisted you.
Helen: I only wanted the best for them.
The Doctor: The best? Prisons? Death squads? Executions?
Helen: They only came later. I told them to be happy, but they wouldn't listen. I gave them every chance. Oh, I know they laughed sometimes, but they still cried, they still wept.
The Doctor: Don't you ever feel like weeping, Helen A?
Helen: Of course not, Doctor. It's unnecessary, and those that persisted had to be punished.
The Doctor: Why?
Helen: For the good of the majority. For the ones that wanted to be happy, who wanted to take the opportunities that I gave them.
The Doctor: What were these opportunities you gave them? A bag of sweets? A few tawdry party games? Bland, soulless music? Do these things make you happy? Of course they don't. Because they're cosmetic. Happiness is nothing unless it exists side by side with sadness.
The Doctor: Two sides, one coin.
Helen: You can keep your coin, Doctor, and your sadness. I'll go somewhere else. I'll find somewhere where there is no sadness. A place where people know how to enjoy themselves.
The Doctor: I'm sure you will, Helen A.
Helen: A place where people are strong, where they hold back the tears. A place where people pull themselves together.
The Doctor: Where there is no compassion.
Helen: Where there is control.
The Doctor: A place where there is no love.
Helen: I always thought love was overrated.
Helen: Fifi!
The Doctor: Fifi?
Ace: Shouldn't we do something, Professor?
The Doctor: 'Tis done.
Forum Square
Daisy: This is all your fault, Priscilla.
Priscilla: I'm glad you're happy, Daisy.
The Doctor: It's been a long night and I think we ought to be off. What about you, Earl?
Earl: Think I'll hang out here for a while, Doc. See if I can teach this planet the blues again.
Susan: Yes, thank you for giving them back to us, Doctor.
The Doctor: Hmm?
Susan: The blues.
The Doctor: Oh, yes. There are no other colours without the blues.
Ace: Will they be all right, Professor?
The Doctor: Happiness will prevail.
`
The Doctor
SYLVESTER MCCOY
Ace
SOPHIE ALDRED
Helen A
SHEILA HANCOCK
Joseph C
RONALD FRASER
Daisy K
GEORGINA HALE
Priscilla P
RACHEL BELL
Gilbert M
HAROLD INNOCENT
Trevor Sigma
JOHN NORMINGTON
Susan Q
LESLEY DUNLOP
Earl Sigma
RICHARD D. SHARP
Harold V
TIM BARKER
Silas P
JONATHAN BURN
Kandy Man
DAVID JOHN POPE
Killjoy
MARY HEALEY
Forum Doorman
TIM SCOTT
sn*pers
STEVE SWINSCOE
MARK CARROLL
Wences
PHILIP NEVE
Wulfric
RYAN FREEDMAN
Newscaster
ANNIE HULLEY
Assistant Floor Manager
LYNN GRANT
Costumes
RICHARD CROFT
Designer
JOHN ASBRIDGE
Incidental Music
DOMINIC GLYNN
Make-Up
DORKA NIERADZIK
Producer
JOHN NATHAN-TURNER
Production Assistant
JANE WELLESLEY
Production Associate
JUNE COLLINS
Script Editor
ANDREW CARTMEL
Special Sounds
d*ck MILLS
Studio Lighting
DON BABBAGE
Studio Sound
SCOTT TALBOTT
TREVOR WEBSTER
Theme Arrangement
KEFF MCCULLOCH
Title Music
RON GRAINER
Visual Effects
PERRY BRAHAN
SYLVESTER MCCOY
Ace
SOPHIE ALDRED
Helen A
SHEILA HANCOCK
Joseph C
RONALD FRASER
Daisy K
GEORGINA HALE
Priscilla P
RACHEL BELL
Gilbert M
HAROLD INNOCENT
Trevor Sigma
JOHN NORMINGTON
Susan Q
LESLEY DUNLOP
Earl Sigma
RICHARD D. SHARP
Harold V
TIM BARKER
Silas P
JONATHAN BURN
Kandy Man
DAVID JOHN POPE
Killjoy
MARY HEALEY
Forum Doorman
TIM SCOTT
sn*pers
STEVE SWINSCOE
MARK CARROLL
Wences
PHILIP NEVE
Wulfric
RYAN FREEDMAN
Newscaster
ANNIE HULLEY
Assistant Floor Manager
LYNN GRANT
Costumes
RICHARD CROFT
Designer
JOHN ASBRIDGE
Incidental Music
DOMINIC GLYNN
Make-Up
DORKA NIERADZIK
Producer
JOHN NATHAN-TURNER
Production Assistant
JANE WELLESLEY
Production Associate
JUNE COLLINS
Script Editor
ANDREW CARTMEL
Special Sounds
d*ck MILLS
Studio Lighting
DON BABBAGE
Studio Sound
SCOTT TALBOTT
TREVOR WEBSTER
Theme Arrangement
KEFF MCCULLOCH
Title Music
RON GRAINER
Visual Effects
PERRY BRAHAN