02x12 - Call Me a McCluckhead

[bunniefuu]

- All right, one more from us.
- Oh.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, wow, Max, look.

Another plant.

Yeah, I might've gotten a little
carried away at the nursery.

Nurseries, plural,

and a few unattended gardens.

Okay, let me introduce you to the g*ng.

Um, that's Leaf Garrett,

Alexander Hamil-stem and Jane Fern-da.

And that's Venus and Serena Flytrap.

And the fact that neither
of them are flytraps

does not bother me one bit.

- It bothers her a lot.
- It really does.

(CHUCKLES) Well, thank you, both.

I brought muffins,
but I didn't name 'em.

Makes 'em too hard to eat. (CHUCKLES)

I still regret what I did to Gerald.

Katharine, come help me
open the wine I brought.

Isn't it a screw top?

Yes, and you have
those big, grippy hands.

Didn't see your housewarming gift.

Was the six hours of
helping you move not enough?

You ate our pizza, drank our beer

and then suddenly had a "back spasm."

Okay, yeah, I'll swing
by later with a candle.

Oh, and nothing patchouli.

I do not want it smelling

like somebody named
"Moonbeam" lives here.

Oh, and if we're making requests,

I prefer a reed diffuser.

Katharine, is there
any chance you and Oscar

can pull yourselves away
from your puzzle Friday night?

Uh, don't just assume

that's what we're
doing on a Friday night.

I'm sorry. Uh, what
were you going to do?

A puzzle.

But it's a , -piecer,

- so it really kicks the night into high gear.
- Oh.

I'm sure it does, sweetie.

I met a man at the supermarket,
and he asked me out.

What?

Wow. (CHUCKLES)

"Pickup on aisle three." (CHUCKLES)

- Stop it.
- No.

I'm really proud of you
for getting back out there,

but what does this have to do with me?

I was hoping you and
Oscar could join us.

Like a double date.

Why do you want me to come
on a first date with you?

I met him at the supermarket.

I don't know anything about him.

He could be a homicidal
maniac or really into jazz.

Fine, we'll come.

Ah, wonderful. Oh.

Please send photos of what
you're planning to wear

by Thursday noon, so I
have time to give notes.

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪

(CHUCKLES) And there she was,

this beautiful redhead

picking up every single
apple in the produce aisle.

And what'd you end up buying?

- A pineapple.
- (LAUGHS)

I asked her out right then and there.

I like a woman who keeps me on my toes.

Fun fact, uh, did you
know that the pineapple

is a symbol of hospitality?

Which is why there are carved
representations of them in many hotels.

That is a fun fact.

Oh. No one ever thinks my facts are fun.

I like him.

So, what do you do, Charles?

I own a chain of local
fast food restaurants

called Sergeant McCluck's.

I love Sergeant McCluck's.

But why is the
Chicky-Chick Sauce seasonal?

I think we can all agree that
every season is sauce season.

KAT: Um, Oscar,

I don't think Charles wants to spend

the whole evening talking about work.

(CHUCKLES)

Although I would appreciate it

if you could expand the vegetarian menu.

A large bowl of coleslaw
does not a salad make.

- That's enough, you two.
- It's fine.

It's always nice to meet a McCluckhead.

BOTH: Cluck, cluck.

You know, we're thinking
about expanding to New York.

Oh, I love New York.

I lived there one summer.

It was just me, my cousin
and a young Annie Leibovitz.

Isn't that something?

(LAUGHS): It's something, all right.

A lie.

Where did you meet Annie Leibovitz?

I met her during a
women's rights protest.

For or against?

For, of course.

We b*rned our bras together.

CHARLES: You are just amazing.

I bet your bra b*rned
brightest of them all.

I'm not gonna lie, Charles, it did.

(LAUGHS)

(WHISPERS): What is happening?

(WHISPERS): I'm on it.

Hey, Chuck, now that we're friends,

will you tell me the secret ingredient

in the Chicky-Chick Sauce?

No can do. (TONGUE CLICKS)

Is it grilled onions? Wink
twice if it's grilled onions.

Mm. Isn't this nice?

And now we don't have to watch
movies on your tiny-ass screen.

Mm-hmm. I told you, if you
sit closer, it feels bigger.

- Yeah, you tell me that a lot.
- Hey... Easy with that.

- People might not know you joking.
- (LAUGHS)

(CHUCKLES)

Why is this in the couch?

Oh, that's Max's back-scratching spoon.

- Oh, cool.
- Oh, and sometimes butt.

Dude!

Yeah, your boy has no
respect for common areas.

Like, why does he have to keep
every cabinet and drawer open?

Does he think the
dishes need to breathe?

Is the silverware afraid of the dark?

Listen, okay, Max is my
buddy. I don't want...

And don't even get me
started on his phone voice.

Yeah, I want light sauce on one half,

heavy sauce on the other half.

Heavy cheese on the light
half and light cheese

- on the heavy half.
- Uh, Max?

I'm trying to get some work
done. Can you keep it down?

Oh, yeah, sure.

No, no, no, no, no!
Okay, let me start over.

I want light sauce on one half...

At this point, I think the whole complex

knows his pia order,
his credit card number

and that his mom thinks
her coworker Sharon

is sleeping with the boss.

To be fair, that part's interesting.

I'll give you that. Max cannot
modulate his voice sometimes.

- I mean, have you heard him try to whisper?
- No.

- That's 'cause he can't.
- (LAUGHS)

Aww, thank you, it's so nice
to know that you have my back.

- Always.
- (BAGPIPE PLAYING)

What in the hell is that?

Oh, did I forget to
mention the bagpipes?

Come on, let's go watch the movie

on my laptop in my bathroom.

If we put a towel at
the bottom of the door,

it'll muffle the high notes.

Good God!

- Hey, Carter.
- Can you come out here? We need to talk.

And can you shut up the bagpipes?

It's like a thousand dying goats.

I got another kid's birthday gig.

(SCOTTISH ACCENT): Have you
ever seen the movie Brave?

(SCOTTISH ACCENT): No.

(REGULAR ACCENT): Me,
neither, but apparently,

the princess in it is Scottish.

I lied and said I
could play the bagpipes.

I thought, "I'm musical,
how hard could it be?"

Turns out, very.

(REGULAR ACCENT):
That explains the kilt.

No, actually, it doesn't.

Oh, I'm just getting into character.

(ACCENT): And I like to
let my wee lads breathe.

Can you keep it down,

'cause you are driving Randi nuts.

(REGULAR ACCENT): Oh,
I'm driving her nuts?

HOST (OVER DEVICE): Welcome back to

m*rder, m*rder, m*rder.

Last we left off,

the k*ller was disemboweling
the young housewife

with dull kitchen shears.

She pulled out her victim's
slippery, stringy intestines

and methodically piled
them on the floor,

placing her no-longer
b*ating heart on top.

Oh, yeah. This gonna be a good one.

Plus, she eats all my junk food.

How am I supposed to eat my feelings

with Randi's kale chips?

All right, man, look, I don't
want to get in the middle of...

And she leaves her painty-brush
water in coffee cups

all over the place.

I accidentally drank it.

It really didn't taste good.

Why wouldn't you look inside
the cup before you drink it?

'Cause it was my mug. It said
"World's Greatest Bartender."

Is Randi the world's greatest bartender?

Are you?

This is on Randi, not me.

Okay, look, I will admit, I mean,

Randi's true crime
podcasts make me nervous.

I mean, at one point, I
swear she was taking notes.

Exactly. She's the problem, not me.

(SHUSHES) Randi will hear you.

It's fine, I'm whispering.

No. You're not.

This has been great.

You know, not many daughters

would go with their
mother on a first date.

Y'all must be close.

Mm. She's the Ethel to my Lucy.

Well, if anyone's Lucy, it's me.

- I'm the redhead.
- Ow, okay.

If you'll excuse me, nature calls.

Actually, she called minutes ago,

but I've been having so
much fun, I put her on hold.

- (LAUGHTER)
- I'll go with you.

I have a few questions
about your mascot.

Why does Sergeant
McCluck wear an eyepatch?

Was he wounded in the w*r?

- If so, which w*r?
- Uh...

I was nervous, but he seems nice, right?

Yeah, and-and he seems
to really like you,

so I don't know why you feel
the need to lie to impress him.

What are you talking about?

Well, all those stories from before,

like, New York, A-Annie Leibovitz?

All those things are true.

You tried out to be a
Dallas Cowboys cheerleader?

Yes. Just because you don't
have hand-eye coordination

doesn't mean I don't.

How has none of this
ever come up before?

Well, we usually talk about you.

Which is fine.

It comes with the
territory of being a mom.

Sergeant McCluck doesn't
actually need an eyepatch.

He just wears one to look cool.

I know. I'm disappointed, too.

How was the double date with your mom?

Oh, uh, the guy was very charming.

Oscar is obsessed with his sauce.

I will never say that out loud again.

- (CHUCKLES)
- And apparently,

my mother has lived a whole secret life.

Ooh, was she a spy?

She has the cold indifference of a spy.

She does speak a little Russian.

And she can knock back a handle of vodka

faster than a college student.

KAT: Who knows.

You could be right.

Turns out I know very little about her.

I had no idea she lived in New York.

Yeah, that's when she
studied with Bob Fosse.

- What?
- You know: "Hoom, hoom, jazz."

I didn't even know she was a dancer.

Oh, she stopped after she
broke her ankle at Woodstock.

What... She was at Woodstock?

Yeah, she hitchhiked there.
miles in a horse trailer.

How do you guys know all of this?

I have a standing coffee date with her.

She comes in for a
drink sometimes. We chat.

I always ask my elders
questions about their lives.

They're our living history.

What else don't I know? Is she Banksy?

Was she on the grassy knoll?

No, but she did spend a
weekend at the Kennedy Compound.

She said nothing wild happened,
but come on, it's the Kennedys.

Do you know this kind
of stuff about your mom?

Oh, yeah, everything. I mean,

since it's just the two
of us, we're really close.

Like, she's my mom,
but we're also friends.

You know? Like the Gilmore Girls.

Seriously, man, I never understand you.

I know too much about my mama.

That's what happens when you
have to sponge-bathe them.

You know, there are so
many things I wish I'd known

about my dad before he d*ed.

Now I feel like I'm
making the same mistake

with the parent who's still living.

So ask her about herself.

She'll love that.

LITTLE TIP: don't call
her an elder to her face.

Well, that I know.

Can you not shut a cabinet?

Maybe I was doing inventory

because someone keeps
stealing my cereal.

Now what am I supposed to
do with this bowl of milk?

Well, that's on you.

What kind of a psychopath
pours the milk first?

Phil, we got to figure this out.

I can't wait another six
months for that sauce,

I got a hankering I can't shake.

Does this one taste Cluck-tastic?

Closer, but we're missing the tanginess.

I love when you say
"we" when I'm the one

doing most of the ding-dang work.

Sorry, I get ugly when I'm
trying to solve a mystery.

I almost stabbed Kat during
a game of Clue.

Hey, is this dress too
much for dinner with my mom?

How fancy is the restaurant?

Oh, it's the same place
we went with Charles.

I guess they carded
her, and in her words,

"I'd like to go back for more of that."

It's perfect. You look beautiful.

I'm kind of nervous. You know,
it's kind of like a blind date.

- I hope I like this Sheila.
- (CHUCKLES)

Oh, you're gonna love her. She's a hoot.

It's kind of exciting.
It's like starting

a whole new chapter of our relationship.

Ooh, don't say "relationship"

on a first date, you'll scare her off.

And be a gentleman. Pull her chair out.

Ooh, and bring mints
in case things go well

and you get to smooching.

Okay, this bit's gone far enough.

I felt that.

Pickles. It was pickles.

Phil, we cock-a-doodle-did it!

Ah, there's that ding-dang "we" again.

Mmm, mmm, it's so good.

Oh, you want some bagpipes with that?

(BAGPIPE PLAYING)

Carter, Carter, come
in here and settle this.

Ugh, so close.

Hey. How's everyone doing?

- She keeps eating all my junk food
- He won't stop with the bagpipes

- and putting the boxes away empty.
- and he's been loud-talking

- Who does that?
- all over my apartment.

Okay.

Sounds like you both
have some valid concerns.

And Carter agrees with me.

He says that you talk too loud
and you suck at the bagpipes.

- (GASPS)
- Okay, yeah, that's not exactly what I...

Well, he told me that
your podcasts are dumb

and you might be a m*rder*r.

- CARTER: Okay...
- (GASPS)

That was taken out of context.

Well, what the hell was the context?

Oh, hold on... I refuse
to get in trouble for this.

You keep putting me in the middle.

How am I supposed to choose between

my girlfriend and my best friend?

- You're both annoying.
- (BOTH GASP)

And I'm not coming back here
until you two work this out.

(SCOFFS) It's a lost cause, Carter.

Yeah, I'm never gonna get
along with Kilty McLoudass.

Actually, you just gave me an idea.

Now, this is the Get Along shirt.

Stephanie and I used
it in couples therapy

and because of it, our
marriage lasted two years longer

than it should have.

Now, you two are gonna
wear it until you figure out

how to get along.

We'll just take it off the
moment he walks out the door.

Yeah, you do that, and
neither of you are getting any.

Sex for you and a paycheck for you.

(DOOR CLOSES)

How did he hear me? I was whispering.

No, you were not.

Okay, so your favorite movie

is The Maltese Falcon, noted.

What's your favorite novel?

Lord of the Flies.

It reminds me of my time
on the pageant circuit.

Interesting, I'll reread
it with that in mind.

Uh, what about fears?
What's your biggest fear?

I don't know.

Spiders and the middle
seat on an airplane.

Okay, here's a big one:

What's one thing you would
change about your life

- if you could?
- Agreeing to this dinner.

I feel like you've spent the
whole time interrogating me.

I'm not interrogating you.

I'm just asking very pointed questions

to get information that you've
never disclosed to me before.

Well, I'm exhausted, and
we're only on the first course.

Where is this coming from?

I'm worried you could die tomorrow

and I'll never know
your natural hair color.

That one I'm taking to the grave.

Which apparently is coming
sooner than I thought.

I'm sorry. This is all coming out wrong.

I'm trying to get to know you.
I thought this would be fun.

Mm, yes, because being
reminded of my own mortality

always puts me in a festive mood.

Come on, everybody else
knows your history but me.

I mean, were you the fifth Beatle?

Are you a spy? Some people
think you might be a spy.

Oh, honey, now you're being ridiculous.

Fine, I just, I won't
ask any more questions.

- Fine.
- (SLURPS)

Don't slurp, Katharine.

I-I'm just enjoying my soup, Mother.

Does the whole restaurant
need to know that?

This is why we'll never be
the Gilmore Girls.

You'd rather criticize
who I am than talk to me.

Good Lord, you act like slurping soup

is an inherent part of your personality.

Maybe it is.

Hi, I'm Tom, I'll be
taking over for Sarah.

How's everything so far?

Great, Tom.

Could I please get a gin martini?

Of course.

Uh, did you need to see my ID?

No.

(STIFLED LAUGH)

I liked Sarah better.

Do you think he's gone?

Maybe he's standing outside the door.

BOTH: Ow!

I'll do it.

I just got to get my eye to the hole.

- Don't mansplain peepholes to me.
- (GRUNTS)

He's gone. All right,
I'm taking this off.

What-what, and messing up my hair?

- Absolutely not. We are cutting this off.
- Okay.

Wait, w... Where are you going?

- (GRUNTS) To get the scissors.
- No, but they're in the kitchen.

No, they're in the couch.

- Wait, why?
- I was trimming.

What-what were you... Oh, never mind,

I don't even want to know.

(GRUNTS)

- Goodness, get it...
- (GRUNTS)

Who does Carter think he
is, putting us on a time-out?

I know, right? Like he's so great.

Maybe he should look in the mirror.

- Which he does all the time.
- (CHUCKLES)

And it's not just mirrors,
it's any reflective surface.

Glass, spoon, puddle of
water, puddle of beer.

He's really into puddles.

(LAUGHS) Hey, you ever notice

that when Carter drinks soda
water, that he swishes it

around in his mouth
before he swallows it?

Yes. I've asked him about that,

and he said it's to get the bubbles out.

- Then why not just drink regular water?
- (BOTH LAUGH)

(SIGHS) Look,

I've only ever lived with
women who were charmed by me.

My mom thought my quirks were cute,

and Brigitte would forgive
them if we showered together.

You know, this is all new to me.

It's not just on you.

I really wanted to live alone,

so, I think even if you were perfect,

I'd still find stuff to complain about.

Well, that explains why
you were being so harsh

- about my bagpipes.
- Oh, no, no, no.

That was a perfectly
appropriate reaction.

I guess this is gonna
be a bigger adjustment

than we both thought.

I'm willing to meet you halfway.

Me too.

You know what? I promise, from now on,

I will leave you half of your cookies.

- And I will close half of your cabinets.
- (CHUCKLES) Deal.

- Should we toast to it?
- Yeah, I'll grab some beers.

Oh, I got it.

Wh... Why did you...

You know what? Who cares.
You got some chips in here?

Hey, why are you slowing down?

You usually take stop
signs as a suggestion.

I want to show you something.

You see that house?

That's where my high
school boyfriend lived.

I used to sneak out, scale that tree

and climb in that
window just to see him.

Bet Grandma didn't like that.

Yeah, most of the time she
didn't even realize I was gone.

- Really?
- (SIGHS)

I used to do anything to
try to get her to notice me.

Even winning all those pageants
didn't get her attention.

Is that why you got into them?

At first.

But I kept at it 'cause I
look damn good in a tiara.

You really do.

You definitely upstaged
me at my bat mitzvah.

Thank you.

Look, the point is,

my mom knew nothing about me.

That's why I was happy to sit
back and listen to my daughter,

and not talk about myself.

Well, you definitely paid
attention to me. (CHUCKLES)

Some might say hawk-like attention.

(CHUCKLES) I might have overcorrected.

Little bit.

Being a mother is hard.

You'll see when you have your own child.

Which you should really
get a move on, Katharine.

Modern medicine has its limits.

Mother.

Okay.

Why don't we get dinner once a month?

Just us.

I'd love that.

Me too.

That's where my best
friend, Donna Simpson, lived.

Oh, she was such a bitch.

Hey, now, this is what I like to see.

Yep, your Get Along shirt worked.

And I'm sorry we put you in
the middle. That was not cool.

Oh, it's okay, I'm just
happy I helped you two bond.

Sure did.

(CHUCKLES)

Doesn't it taste exactly the
same as Sergeant McCluck's?

Some would say even better.

It does taste exactly the same.

Hey, ooh.

You've been served.

A cease and desist letter?

Dang, I knew we shouldn't
have bragged about

our copycat recipe online.

And I thought TikTok was a safe space.

This is me at Woodstock.

Oh, I forgot how good
I look in bell-bottoms.

You're not wearing a shirt.

Sweetheart, with boobs
like that, why would I?

What... what is this?

The remains of my wedding dress.

What happened to it?

Your father ripped it off me
before the rice hit the ground.

Okay, little TMI.

Well, what do you expect?
We waited till marriage,

so he was like a wild animal...

Okay, no more Sheila, go
back to Mom, go back to Mom.

♪ ♪

♪ I don't want to know this ending ♪

♪ Doesn't matter anyway ♪

♪ I can get a little bit crazy ♪

♪ I can be a little too hot ♪

♪ Time to bust out, baby ♪

♪ Even if we go too far ♪

♪ I'm moving on ♪

♪ And on and on and on
and on and on and on ♪

- ♪ Let's go ♪
- ♪ On, on, on and on and on and on. ♪