01x11 - Desking

[bunniefuu]

- Ooh, pretty.
- Oh, thanks.

One of my students gave me
this for some reason and...

Hey, that's a nice sweater.

Oh. Thank you, Myles.

Uh, wow.

A compliment, and it wasn't
a set up for a punchline.

[CHUCKLES] I know.

I was waiting for, "Nice sweater.

Didn't know Bert and Ernie
had a yard sale."

But the kids have actually
been really cool lately.

And, like, excited to learn?

Yeah. No, same.

No misbehaving. The grades are up.

And I'm getting flowers, apparently.

- Like, are we awake? [LAUGHS]
- You know what?

I think we have finally earned
their enthusiasm and respect.

[SCOFFS] Well, enthusiasm
I hoped for, but respect?

One can only dream.

Hey, Vick, what's Gucci?

Ayy! And great job on your quiz.

Somebody's been putting in the work.

Anything for you, Mr. C!

That was so cute.

Wait. Who is Mr. C?

I don't know, but I'm not gonna push it.

I don't want to ruin
what we have by, like,

asking a lot of questions, right?

AVA: Oh, there you are, Jacob.

My auntie's dog needs her sweater back.

[LAUGHS]

Got 'eem.

♪♪

Great job, guys!

All A's and B's!

We're all superstars in this class.

- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
- Oh. Alright, guys.

Quietly and safely. Quietly and safely.

It's been a long year
with lots of ups and downs,

but it was all worth it to get here.

Looks like someone finally has
this teaching thing figured out.

Okay.

[CHUCKLES]

Looks like someone forgot
where the floor was.

[CHUCKLES] Let me get some
paper towel and clean that up.

Wait. What...

What the...?

Who did this?

And I told my neighbor, I said,

"If you call on a native tree,

they are gonna rip it out

without so much as
even consulting an arborist."

And the hilarious thing
about all this...

Nope.

The hilarious things is, the
number for isn't even ...

Jacob, please. Stop.

I'm sorry. It's not you.

Not me.

"Jacob, stop" could have meant,
like, any Jacob.

It's just, I had the whole,
um, principal job

as my only goal for awhile,

and finding out that that's
not happening anytime soon

has got me thinking about a lot.

No. I get it.

Yeah, not in the mood for a story.

Got it.

Hey. You guys want to
hear something weird?

Janine, read the room.

We are not in the mood for that.

Okay, well, then I won't tell you

I found shoe prints on my desks.

Wait, no.

You found shoe prints on your desks?

Yeah. That's weird, right?

- Yeah.
- Wait, hold up.

I found some shoe prints
on my desks, too.

I paid it dust.

It's not the weirdest thing
I've found on my desks.

Yeah. I found some, too.

I thought I was going crazy.

Wait, so other people have

found shoe prints in their classrooms?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Well, nothing's going on
in my classroom.

My desks are as clean as a whistle.

So, wait, if this is
happening to everybody

except Barbara, then what's going on?

- It's weird.
- I mean, no idea.

I know what's going on, and it's bad.

In fact, I've been praying that
it wouldn't breach our walls.

- Ghosts.
- It's called desking.

It's a new online challenge

where kids jump from desktop to desktop.

Heard about it last week
through the custodial network.

Mm.

[CHILDREN SHOUTING]

These videos are everywhere.

Mr. Ronson over at West Adams Elementary

said he's been cleaning desks for weeks.

- Ohh.
- Oh, geez.

STUDENT: Go! Go! Go! You got this!

Oh, my God! There's hundreds of these!

This is horrible!

This can't be what's happening
here, though, right?

I mean, our kids respect us too much.

[LAUGHS]

Someone could really get hurt here.

I've already been hurt.

I know about every Internet trend.

How did I not find out about this?

[SIGHS] We need to
get to the bottom of this.

You know what? I bet you
I can get a shoe print.

Did you clean your desks off yet?

- No.
- Nasty.

Okay, does anybody know shoes?

My boyfriend, Zach,
is a total sneaker-head.

He... He loves shoes more than anything.

Well, except ya boy. [CHUCKLES]

That's me. I'm "ya boy."

Okay. It doesn't look like
anything I can find online.

When's your shoe guy get here?

Uh, he is on his way.

So this Zach, he lives with you?

Yeah. He just moved in last month.

And that's going well?

Yep. He's so great.

So he knew you and was like... more?

Well, I think he sounds like
a really neat guy, right?

- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
- Sure. Yeah.

Heyyy. There's my guy.

Black?!

It's actually pronounced "Zach."

You must be Ava.

You were all thinking it.

I see you. Don't look at me like that.

We always look at you like this.

It's very nice to meet
you, Zach. [CHUCKLES]

Well, if it isn't my pizza crust queen.

[BOTH LAUGH]

We went out to eat last week
and I ate all his pizza crust.

I don't like to waste food.

Wait, is this our desker?

Yes.

Huh.

Huh? What... What do you mean by "huh"?

It looked smaller in the pic.

This is way too big
to be a second grader.

They laughing in our faces. Mm-hmm.

If this was a small adult sneaker,

it increases the make and model
options significantly.

He's so smart. [CHUCKLES]

We came in rd at trivia night
last week over at Oscar's.

You know, down by Rittenhouse.

We were eliminated on a technicality,

but Sri Lanka, if you didn't know...

Honey, where is this story going?

Are we focusing on the task at hand?

Mnh. No, we're not.
I'm so sorry. Please continue.

Did he just stop Jacob
from being... himself?

Can we put him in glass
and break in case of emergency?

Alright, let's get to work.

They say the first hours
are the most important.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.

Are those the black and grey
asymmetric midsoles?

I decided to be adventurous
and wear sneakers today.

Sick.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

- Alright.
- Okay. Thank you.

- I like him.
- Mm.

Still don't know
how he lives with Jacob.

You think his neck gets tired
from all the nodding?

Mm-hmm.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

Just got an e-mail from Zach.
Subject: "You're welcome."

- Ooh.
- Oh.

Oh, we about to bust
this case wide open.

Uh... okay.

He says that while he initially
leaned Jordan s,

the faint line at the mid-arch

indicates a swoosh
and not the Jumpman logo...

Okay. Scroll. Scroll.

- Is there a picture?
- Yeah.

- Oh.
- Ooh.

Okay, well, this is great.

All we have to do is
look at the kids' feet,

which is something I would say
we normally wouldn't do, but...

No. We don't.

'Cause I've only seen those
on two kids...

Brianna and Stefon.

Yeah, but let's not rush out
and make accusations.

AVA: I'm coming for you!

Okay, let's split 'em up
and make 'em sing.

Two of you take Stefon,
the other two take Brianna.

Right. Good cop, bad cop.

You know, it's interesting that
they say "good cop, bad cop,"

because policing in
this country is so broken,

it's really just "bad cop, bad cop."

- Janine, you're with him.
- Got it.

Look, Stefon, I get it.

I was a kid once.

But you and I both know
this is gonna end,

and when it does,
you don't wanna be the one

left holding the bag.

'Cause that's exactly
what's gonna happen

when your friend over there
starts talking.

I bet she ratting you out right now

like a little Fredo Corleone.

So I would talk if I were you.

'Cause you don't want me
sending you over to

Ms. Teagues and Mr. Hill.

I don't think you'd like
what's going on in that room.

Look, sometimes, sometimes,
the right thing is fun.

[CHUCKLES]

So why don't you tell us
who started this

and who's doing it?

You know, doesn't that sound fun?

Okay, kid.

First one to talk, first one to walk.

How'd those shoes get on that desk?

- Name names!
- Yeah, name names.

TikTok, Twitch, Discord?

Just tell me where
they setting them trends

- and you can leave.
- Yeah.

No. We got to get a confession.

Squeal, and you can Dipset like Cam'ron.

You know what? One second.

[QUIETLY] Okay. She's not talking.

Okay. Uh, let me try something, okay?

Um... [CHUCKLES]

You look a little thirsty.

Oh, look what I found.

A nice, cold, refreshing juice.

I bet you'd like some juice.

- I'm fine.
- Oh, okay.

'Cause me? I'm thirsty.

[QUIETLY] I can't get it in.

You... You have to twist it.

Yeah. No. I can... I can do it myself.

Ah.

Oh.

I'm sorry, you tired?

Want some coffee?

'Cause I can do this all day, kid.

I got all the time in the world.

No, we don't.

Tell me who started this
viral sensation,

or I swear to God...

Boy, if you test me.

Okay, Ava, let's go outside.

- Don't you play with me, boy.
- Now, Ava.

Can't believe neither of them talked.

I'm actually sort of proud.

Alright, let 'em out.

Alright, let's go.

We're gonna figure this out, you guys.

Yeah. Somebody's gonna slip up.

It's out of your control, oldhead.

Abbott's gonna be number one
in this challenge.

Wait. You're trying to be
number one in all of Philly?

- In all of the United States.
- Of America.

It's bigger than you can imagine.

Bigger than me. Bigger than you.

You'll never stop this.

- Okay. Get back to class.
- Yeah.

No problem.

[WHISPERING]
That's where the desks are.

Okay, since none
of the kids are talking,

we gotta catch one of them in the act.

Then we flip that kid,
follow it up to the top.

Who wants to go fishing?

Okay.

Well, nobody is jumping up on my desks,

so this is feeling like y'all's problem.

I could do a " Jump Street"
kind of thing.

If I put on the right hat,
I could pull off .

I don't think so. [CHUCKLES]

How about we get you some platform shoes

- and you can pull off .
- Okay.

I can catch one of 'em.

Haven't done this kind of
fishing in a minute.

Let's go.

I didn't volunteer.

A stakeout needs two people. Think, boy.

Who's gonna watch all the crime stuff

while the other one eats a hoagie?

I... [DOOR OPENS]

We're going about this all wrong.

You know, you don't build a dam

in the middle of a rushing river.

You build it before the water comes.

- That is so wise.
- What the hell are you talking about?

If we talk to the younger kids
about the dangers of desking

and how it actually isn't cool beans,

then we stop the desking
before the flood.

And I think they'll listen to us,

because they don't look at us
as teachers and students.

We've built bonds this year
that are deeper than that.

- Oh, please.
- That's not gonna work.

- I think that's a great idea.
- Not in a million years.

- Okay, we get a kid to rat, okay?
- BARBARA: Uh-huh.

I FaceTimed my own iPad from my phone

and left my phone in Janine's room

so we could survey the scene.

Ah. This ain't my first rodeo, hombre.

[CHUCKLES] I've staken out before.

You stake out other classrooms?

No, you creep.

I did private investigator
work back in the day.

You were a private investigator
before a custodian?

No, before I worked at the rodeo.

Oh. Sorry.

I just... I thought that, you know...

What, that I've been a custodian
my whole life?

No, man.

I worked as a pipe fitter,

a minor league baseball bunting coach,

a tastefully nude model,
sold RVs for summer.

Might find a new path after this.

Wait, you never dreamed of
just doing one thing?

Sure, I have.

But a dream can be a distraction

just as easy as it can be a goal.

We got movement!

Show yourself, coward!

Aw, man, it's just Janine and Jacob.

Let's go.

No one's gonna go desking
with teachers in the room.

JANINE: Alright!

Interesting.

So, we have gathered you here
today, dearly B-students...

[CHUCKLES]

Get it?

Okay. Keep going.
We knew it was / .

Yeah. We are here today
to talk about desking.

What's desking?

Ah, good question.

Desking is getting from one side
of the classroom to the other

by hopping on the tops of desks.

I never heard of it.

I wanna do it!

Is she messing with you,

or are we just teaching
more kids what it is?

No, no, no, no.

Look, is desking cool beans?

Sure, it is. Right?

But me and my dawg here...

[BARKS]

...are not here to lie to you

and pretend that desking isn't cool.

But guess what's maybe even more cool?

Huh?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Okay! Are you hearing this?

Teamwork! Teamwork!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- It went great!
- It really did.

I mean, I'm surprised, but also
not surprised. [CELLPHONE RINGS]

- The kids were so invested...
- Hello.

Hey, I'm sending you a video
that you need to watch.

Wait, wait. Why are you
FaceTiming me? I'm at work.

'Cause I want to be
referenced in the story

when you tell it later.

- Love you, bye!
- Uh...

Oh, my God. Zach has been
so great during all of this.

I know. He can get
a little obsessive, but...

- Well, so can you.
- Me? No.

No, Zach calls me
"lovingly over-passionate."

You know what? That's wonderful.

Oh, my God, it's a video
of you and me from just now.

Oh! Oh, my God.

Like two minutes ago? That's so cool.

The kids are already
spreading our message!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Yep, there they are,
spreading your message.

AVA: Aw, man. Why am I not
getting these videos?

I've done everything I possibly can

to make my phone think I'm .

I haven't used capital letters in years.

My God. I cannot believe
they betrayed our trust.

Okay, alright,
we need... we need to just

make sure that this is
an isolated incident and...

[DOOR OPENS] Yeah.

Sweet baby Jesus,
and the grown one, too!

My desks have been desked!

- They got you?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, this is bad.

Mnh! Their fault.

They went on a desking promotional tour.

- No, uh...
- What have you done?

Alright.

Guys?

They have made fools of us.

I really thought that they looked
at us as more than just teachers

but, like, friends.

Maybe that's the problem.

They like us so much,

they've forgotten that
we're authority figures.

Whoa.

We're actually too cool for school.

Mm-hmm. And now this thing
is spreading everywhere.

- We are losing control.
- We're out of moves.

You lose Barbara, you lose the w*r.

We might have one move left.

We can tell the school district.

This is happening all over the city.

- Of Philadelphia.
- Yeah.

So they will bring that hammer down

and put an end to all this.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

Do we really want to become narcs?

I prefer "heroes."

- So they were receptive?
- Oh, very receptive.

They don't want to be sued

if some kid slips and falls on a desk.

Hey, Ally, what... what are you doing?

You ain't hear?

The school district's making us
take all our desks

- out of our classrooms.
- AVA: Somebody snitched.

Told the school district that we
have some dangerous viral trend

that could leave the city
at risk for "legal culpability."

All because I wasn't trying to
solve the problem at all.

What idiot thought the school
district was gonna help?

Huh. What... Yeah, what
well-intentioned idiot?

Get all your desks to the gym
until this whole thing blows over

or there's some new trend
that I don't hear about

because life is a joke, people.

Come on. Hurry up.

Who knows when those kids'll
start arriving.

They get here at : .

Every day?

That's wild.

Janine, how many times is tattling

gonna bite you in the culo
before you quit being a narc?

Mm. I am too old to be doing
all of this.

At least you guys are on
the same floor as the gym.

Look, guys, I know this is
a minor inconvenience,

but at least we stopped desking.

- Right? Yay!
- Mm.

Or we've created the greatest
desking arena ever known to man.

What fresh hell is this?

Oh, Janine.

It's like desking Six Flags!

We are just leading the children
into temptation, like Satan.

Mm-hmm.

Is it that bad?

I think if I was a young person
who was interested in desking,

it might, you know, call to me.

Relax, y'all.

I've been refreshing all my
feeds, and we're in the clear.

There's no way the kids know about this.

You sure about that?

[ELECTRONIC VOICE]
By the end of the week,

I will desk the Abbott Elementary Gym.

[DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN]

- Oh, no.
- No!

Okay, look. No, no, no. No.

Don't worry, don't worry,
because we'll just take turns

- guarding the entrance.
- No!

Why is my Internet not
sending me anything cool?

I should have gotten that video
before Mr. Johnson.

No offense, boo. [CHUCKLES]

It is not your phone, Ava.

You are not one of them.
You are not a Jojo Sea-bass.

You mean JoJo Siwa?

I don't know what I mean, Janine.

That's the point.

But I do know that you all
need to stop pretending

like you can relate to these children.

Because when you do,
it just seems sad, desperate,

and embarrassing.

Mm.

You heard Barbara.
Y'all are embarrassing.

I know your plan. Move it along.

That face don't work on me.

Need a partner for this shift?

Oh, no. I'm good.

Just need two men for
a stakeout and a foot chase.

Right.

Alright, what do you want?

You remember what you were
talking about?

Nope. [CHUCKLES]

About having a lot of jobs.

You ever have an experience
where you wanted a different job

than the one you were at?

You liked the one that you were at,

but since it's not the one
that you thought you wanted,

you're a little conflicted?

If you think
I'm some sort of black Yoda...

Hmm, then correct you would be, Padawan.

You got to be open
for what life brings you.

If I'd kept aiming for that one job

I wanted so much when I was your age,

you'd be looking at a very
unfulfilled operations manager

at Uncle Bradley's Baked Beans.

Damn, I wanted that job.

Must have had some good benefits.

- And a ladder straight to the top.
- Yeah.

But, hey, without that rejection,

I never would have found out
the stuff that I love.

Yeah, man. I really
wanted to be principal.

[CHUCKLES]

Then it didn't happen and...

and now I think I'm mad.

You got plenty of time, youngin'.

JANINE: Attentions, please!

[CHUCKLES]

I really felt like I was
bonding with these kids

and that they liked me,

and as much as I felt that,

and as much as Ava wants to be cool,

Barbara was right.

Kids will always
think teachers are lame.

Can't fight that, but we can use it.

Once I do this and those kids see it,

desking will be corny and over.

Jacob, we rolling?

- [RHYTHMIC CLAPPING]
- MELISSA: k*ll it!

You got this, Janine.

- Whoo! [WHISTLES]
- Don't... Don't say that.

- I don't believe that she does.
- No. She's got it.

- She's not very coordinated.
- She's gonna k*ll it.

Oh! [THUD]

- God.
- And she's down.

Oh. Oh. I'm okay. No. Ow. I'm okay.

Ow. No, no, no. I can still do this.

You know, this is my Kerri Strug moment.

No, it's your "stay down and
let me get you some ice" moment.

Okay? Y-Your ankle's blowing up.

You're not gonna be walking,
let alone desking.

But someone has to do this.

Someone the kids will think
is really lame.

- You got this, Jacob.
- Yes.

Come on, man.

Hey. I got your sneakers.

I've been begging him to wear these.

These are the Honeydews.

Now, some people think that
this color is sea glass,

but that's completely ignoring
the history of the entire...

Babe, babe, task at hand.

Ah. You're right. I'm doing it again.

Anyways, the point is these were
built for comfort and speed.

Also, I brought your shorts.

Oh, thanks, babe.

So, just out of curiosity,
how'd you guys meet?

Ohh, I was in a late night
line for sneakers,

and he was there protesting
the inhumane work conditions

of the place making the sneakers.

I got the limited edition
Smokey-Foams and a man that day.

Oh. I get it now.

I forget that black people
can also be annoying.

What'd you say? [CHUCKLES]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Hey, what's everyone watching?

Yo, some white boul desked the gym!

Check it! Student: Whoa!

He's wearing the Honeydew suedes.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Abbott Ultimate Desking Challenge.

Done! Teacher style.

Whoa, what the... Whew!

Is that Mr. C?

Desking's deaded.

I can't believe the video worked.

Yeah. Those kids do not want to be us.

You know, the fact that
we are doing this well

without clout propping us up
is some good old-fashioned

being-pretty-darn-good-at-our-jobs.

Yeah. You're right.

But imagine what it'll be like

when we actually do get them
to think we're cool.