01x04 - Whose Room Is It Anyway?

[bunniefuu]

And for $100, name the chief export
of the United States.

Wheat.

-Machinery.
-Machinery is correct.

Which state produced
the most presidents?

Illinois.

-Virginia.
-Virginia is correct.

Which side of the brain
controls analytical thinking?

The right.

-The left.
-The left is correct!

We'll be back after
this commercial message.

Hey, America. Who do you call
when you don't want to cook?

Ahab's.

Ahab's is correct.

Yes, Ahab's for fish and fowl.

Opening soon in an economically
depressed area near you.

Daddy's home. Come on.

Hi. How was your day
at the shoe store?

I'll tell you something.
Feet and the return of warm weather...

...makes for
a deadly combination.

Well, you knew that
going in, Al.

Yeah. My back is so tight.

I wish I had somebody to rub it.

Like a wife.

Hey, there's one now!

How about my back?

You know, I work hard all day too.

Yeah? Doing what?

That feels good.

How good?

Where are the kids?

Upstairs.

What if they come down?

I'll take care of it. Bud, Kelly!

You want to come
help me in the kitchen?

That should buy us
about 10 minutes.

Seven more than we'll need.

Where were we?

We're here, Bundy!

Bundy, don't you know you shouldn't
leave your door unlocked?

It's an invitation to intruders.

What are they doing here?

They're the neighborhood watch.
I invited them.

To watch this?

Hi. I hope
we're not interrupting anything.

No. Just gonna have
a little sex with the wife.

What the heck.
There's always next month.

Our house was robbed
this afternoon.

Gee, that's too bad.
You wanna hand me my shirt?

What did they steal?

Mostly small stuff.

Radio, earrings, our cameras,
our answering machine.

God only knows
who called.

At least they didn't
take anything valuable.

Yeah, this time.
But I know how these vermin think.

They take your little crap then come
back with a truck for your big crap.

Not gonna happen in my house.
I'm ready.

I got 50,000 volts going
through my window bars.

I got a bucket of battery acid
over the back door...

...and a .30-aught-6
rigged to the front door.

Then how do you get into
your house?

Wouldn't you like to know?

Now, the question before us is:

What are we gonna
do about it?

I say we hunt the scum down...

...then run them over with our cars.

-Then we get fishhooks--
-Marcy!

I'm sorry. I don't know
what came over me.

It's just that
I feel violated.

Someone's been in my home,
in my bedroom.

I feel so helpless.

We'd all feel helpless
in your bedroom, Marce.

You got any more beer?

No.

In all the excitement,
I forgot to ask:

Why are you meeting
in my house?

Because our wives
didn't want you in ours.

Hi. Did I miss anything?

You want me back on my wife?

Not on my account.

I'm sorry you got robbed.

It wasn't me. It was them!

It was you. Somebody smashed
your windshield, stole your radio...

...and wrote "wash me"
on your hood.

My car! They stole my radio?

Bundy.
The thieves have a point.

You ought to wash your car.

Get out!

Out! Out!

Pretend there's a keg
on the lawn. Out! Out!

I can't believe they stole my radio...

...in front of my house!

I know how you feel.

If you did,
you wouldn't be touching me.

We should get involved
with neighborhood watch.

You can't depend
on anybody but yourself.

I've put this off long enough.
I'm buying a g*n.

A g*n is not the answer.

You can't curtail the criminal element
by sinking to their level.

Excuse me, Miss Let's-run-them-over-
and-get-out-the-fishhooks.

I was upset. I wasn't thinking.

Yes. She wasn't using the left
or analytical portion of the brain.

I'm definitely getting a g*n.

I'd advise you to do the same.

There's got to be
a more humane way...

...to protect our home
and possessions.

There is.

We'll get a dog.
A good watchdog.

A dog. That's a great idea.
I've got a dog.

Buck! Strangers in the house!

k*ll them, Buck.
Go k*ll them!

Whoa, big fella.

I don't mean a stupid dog.

I'm talking about a real dog.
A guard dog. A Doberman.

First thing tomorrow we're going
to one of those deadly doggy places.

Because we're against g*ns
and the v*olence they stand for.

That's right. A dog.

A vicious dog with sharp teeth
that will go through a jugular...

...like a hot knife cutting through
butter on a warm summer night.

-Come on, dear.
-The next guy who gets...

...in my bedroom uninvited will walk out
on bloody stumps.

When was the last time you called
to complain about the dog?

Yesterday. Marcy
said to stop calling.

The ringing makes him bark.

Everything makes him bark.

It's been two weeks and
you haven't let me see the g*n...

...let alone pick off a pigeon or two.

Bud, g*ns are not toys.

They are weapons and should only
be handled by responsible adults.

When Dad was practicing quick draws
during Donahue--

Bud, number one, shut up.

Two, it was Phil's salute...

...to the Huge and Fat
Women's Caucus.

Three, there
were no b*ll*ts in the g*n.

Your mother took them out
and hid them for safety...

...and she won't tell me where.

g*ns, g*ns, g*ns. Can't anyone
talk about me for a change?

Okay, Kelly.
Where were you last night?

So, Dad, what kind of g*n did you buy?

I'll get it.

Coming.

Hi, Peg.

Borrow a cup of Kibble?
The dog's still hungry.

What's the matter?
The neighbor's cat didn't fill him up?

That cat was taunting him, Al.

Gee, you two look cute.

I can't get Al to dress unisex at all.

This is protective gear.

You see, Bella hasn't accepted us
as his rightful owners.

You named that dog
after Bela Lugosi?

No. Abzug.

We thought
it was kind of cute.

But he won't wear the hat.

Al, by the way, we want
to apologize about your fence.

-What happened?
-Bella ate through it.

-It was a little piece.
-Not much.

About the size of a human face.

Rhoades, what are we
going to do about this?

Look, we'll handle this the same way
we dealt with the cat incident.

Get estimates,
we'll make it good.

We know Bella can be annoying,
and the neighborhood hates his guts...

...but he's a good protector.

Gee, Mom, that's just
what you say about Dad.

Mount up! They just hit the Johnsons.
TV and major appliances.

We're all meeting at the Bowl and Brew
to calm ourselves down.

See that!
They didn't hit our place.

That's what a good dog will do for you.
Come on. Grab the meal and the Mace.

It's time to feed our doggy.

Peg, did you hear that?

How could I hear anything
the way you snore?

What was that?

I don't know.

Don't worry. I'll check.

-No, call the police.
-For noise?

It might be a burglar.
Call the police.

I can't.
Kelly's on the phone.

-What are you doing?
-Getting my g*n.

You gonna tell me where're the b*ll*ts
or wait till the kids see us in the paper?

Come on, Al. I had to hide the b*ll*ts
so Bud wouldn't find them.

Where are they?

They're in the holes
of your bowling ball.

This is real easy.

This is much better than
keeping them handy.

Even an ax-wielding maniac
deserves an even break.

Hurry, Al!

-Where's Buck? Shouldn't he bark?
-I don't know.

You shiftless, worthless, dirty....

Peg, stay at the top
of the stairs.

If anything happens, get the kids,
lock yourself in a room.

And if Kelly's off the phone,
call the police.

It's coming from the patio.

-Be careful, Al.
-I will.

Okay, creep!
I see you!

Freeze, or I'll sh**t!

Oh, my God! Al! Al!

Al, are you all right?

Yeah.

What happened
out there?

I just shot Steve and Marcy's dog.

How could you sh**t a dog?

He didn't look like a dog, Peg.

All I seen were two yellow eyes...

...staring at me from the bushes,
and I told him to freeze.

Then I thought it made a move at me...

...and I panicked.

You couldn't tell the difference
between a dog and a human being?

He was wearing a hat.

Kelly, honey,
I was trying to protect our family.

That's right, Kel. Dad did a good thing.

Can I go and see the body?

You're disgusting.

And you're failing
five classes.

Hey, hey, kids. Listen to me.

Now I think that we can all learn
something from this.

What, Dad?

I don't know. Go to bed.

Dad!

I wouldn't argue with him.
He's already k*lled once tonight.

You were very brave, Al.

Wasn't anything
that anybody else...

...with the heart of a lion
wouldn't have done.

You should've seen me.
I was a little nervous...

...but I got him between the eyes...

...and there's not a
lot of space between those eyes.

It was a nice shot, Al.

-You want to go upstairs?
-Yeah.

You don't suppose
that's Steve and Marcy?

Peggy, Al, it's us!

-It's them. What will you tell them?
-I don't know.

If they don't bring it up...

...we don't bring it up.

Hey! Steve and Marcy.

What brings you two
crazy kids over here?

-We heard a shot.
-Hey. Peg, look who's here.

It's Steve and Marcy
from next door.

They heard a shot, Peg.

Are you going to say anything, Peg?

What was that you said
you came over here for?

We thought we heard a shot.

They thought they
heard a shot, Peg.

Did you hear a shot?

Say something, Peg!

If there had been a shot
their dog would have started barking.

Look, guys.
I'm really sorry about that barking.

Oh, hey, forget about that.

Listen, we're friends
and neighbors here.

We're not gonna let some
stupid dog come between us, are we?

Why isn't Bella barking?

I haven't heard him in a while.

Al, tell them.

Okay.

See....

I tell you,
I really love you guys.

Do you love me?

Well, sure, Al. You know...

...not really.

Tell them, Al.

I'm not telling them anything
till they tell me they love me.

What's going on here?

All right. Okay.

But you got to promise me
that you'll let me finish.

Sure, Al.

I shot your dog.

I'm finished.

Bella!

-Is he...?
-Alive?

-Yes.
-No.

Where is he?

He's out in my yard.

You can't miss him.

I didn't.

You stay here.
I'm gonna check on Bella.

You shot my puppy.

I'm sorry.
We had a prowler stalking our yard.

Your dog came to my defense.

The burglar, he took a shot
at me, and I fired back.

And poor Bella got in the way
and was k*lled in the crossfire.

We only heard one shot.

It was a simultaneous exchange.
I don't know.

It happened so fast.
It's all a blur.

You shot my dog in the middle
of a bowel movement?

-Steve, is he really dead?
-Yes, dear.

How do you know?

Well, number one, he didn't respond
to any of my commands.

And number two,
his brains are in the begonias.

You k*ller!

Anyone for cake or coffee?

Now, listen. I said that I was sorry.
Let me make it up to you.

Let me get you another dog.

For what, target practice?

We told him not to get a g*n.
We told you not to get a g*n.

But you had to go out
and be Mr. Macho.

Now you've taken an innocent life.

Wait. This is not a defense...

...but that dog was anything but
innocent. He bit you. He ate a cat.

Given enough time,
he'd have robbed a bank.

-How much you want for him?
-$1000.

$1000 for a dog that just sat there
and let me sh**t him?

You want to get off cheap,
next time, plug a squirrel.

All right!
Forget the money.

You know what I want?

Yes, and you're too late.
Peg's already got him.

Your g*n, Al.
Give me your g*n.

All right!

I want to take it and throw it in the river,
so it'll never hurt anyone again.

Here.

And from now on,
we're just neighbors.

Now I know why we got
our house so cheap.

Well, that's done.
Where were we?

We were going
upstairs...

...deadeye.

Well, all done.

Old Bella's on his way
to the landfill.

It cost me $20 and a six-pack
for the garbage man.

You'd think the dollar I give him
at Christmas would be enough.

By the way, I washed
your k*lling clothes.

Have a nice day, honey.

-Hi.
-Hi, Al.

Listen....

Some words were said
last night and...

...we talked it over and we understand
you didn't do it on purpose.

You didn't do it
on purpose, did you, Al?

Steve,
I'm a pet owner myself.

Anyway, we decided to let it go
and forgive you.

Thanks, buddy.

So I guess if you'll just
give me Bella's body...

...we can forget
about the whole thing.

We want to give him a decent burial.

In our yard under that tree
where he did his business.

Except, of course,
for that last one.

I don't know what to say, Steve.

Yes, I do.
I can't let you do it.

Peg and I talked it over.

And we realized that since I'm at fault
I should handle everything.

So let me take care
of the arrangements.

If it makes you feel better,
that'll be all right.

Marcy will like that.

We'll do it tonight after work.
See you then.

Thanks, big guy.

Listen...

...can you bury him with this?

He really loved this bone.

Sure, buddy.

Hey, Peg!

I'm late for work.
Can I ask you to do me a little favor?

How much for the crate?

-$150.
-$150?

Al, I didn't have time
to comparison-shop.

I'd like to say a few words
about the dearly departed.

As you know, Bella was
more than a dog to Marcy and me.

He was family.
One of us.

Bella will be missed...

...but his death was not in vain.

He taught us about the value of life...

...and that g*ns and v*olence...

...are not the answer to society's ills.

We can take consolation
in the knowledge...

...that while he only lived
one year in dog's years...

...he lived seven
in people years....

What a great job.
I got to hand it to you.

That box feels heavy enough
to have a dog in it.

What did you put in there?

Some rocks and
your bowling ball.

But knowing that he's
right here...

...in the back yard,
where he was so happy...

...makes us all feel
a little less grief.