01x11 - Nightmare on Al Street

[bunniefuu]

♪ Love and marriage ♪

♪ Love and marriage ♪

♪ Go together like ♪

♪ A horse and carriage ♪

♪ This I tell ya, brother ♪

♪ You can't have one ♪

♪ Without the other ♪

♪ Love and marriage ♪

♪ Love and marriage ♪

♪ It's an institute ♪

♪ You can't disparage ♪

♪ Ask the local gentry ♪

♪ And they will say
It's elementary ♪

♪ Try, try, try
To separate them ♪

♪ It's an illusion ♪

♪ Try, try, try
And you will only come ♪

♪ To this conclusion ♪

♪ Love and marriage ♪♪

Al, come on down!
It's time for work!

Come on, honey.

I'm making you
a nice, hot breakfast.

Just listen
to that bacon sizzle.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Keep it hot, Peg.

I'll be down
in a minute.

Sure, I will.

Peggy, I've got
some great news.

Two men came
to our house...

Al, I'm going
over to Marcie's!

They're gone now.

Al, Marcie's here.

Nice try, Peg,
but I'm still hungry.

Where's my breakfast?

The dog ate it.

I see he put the pots
and pans away too.

Al, I was just telling Peggy
about this great idea.

You know that little hole
in your driveway,

the one all the neighborhood
children splash and play in

after it rains?

These guys just finished
a major repaving job

a couple of blocks from here.

And they offered to redo both
our driveways for only $ .

Isn't that great?

I don't know.

I tried to get Al to fix
the driveway a long time ago,

But his philosophy is

"Why improve a home you're
only going to live in anyway?"

Al, can you think
of a better way

to raise the value
of your home

and save a little money
in the bargain?

Sure.
Pack your bags, hon.

Look they said we have
to do this right away

or they'll be gone.

And I think
it's a great deal.

Uh-huh.
What does Steve think?

Well, he's in Buffalo
at a meeting

of Tellers
Against the Penny.

Steve firmly believes
that the one-cent piece

is a thing of the past.

Well, I'm sure the feeling
is mutual.

Come on, Al, make a decision.

These guys are leaving
the neighborhood.

Of course they're leaving
the neighborhood.

These guys are crooks.

First you gotta believe
they just happen

to be in the neighborhood.

And second, we have to believe

these two guys see Marcie,

and they're willing
to come back.

I mean, is there
nothing so stupid

that some woman
won't fall for it?

I fell for you,
sweetie.

How could you marry

such a chauvinistic,
sexist man?

A dare.

Look, I'm not sexist.

I'm just saying women
don't know nothing.

Asphalt and finances
are male-oriented fields.

Since Steve is as close
to a male as you have,

he should be in
on the decision.

I'll have you know
I have a degree in economics

and work as a loan
officer in a bank.

So if anything,
I am more qualified

to make financial
decisions than you are.

As good as you bankers
may be at saying,

"We're sorry,
Farmer Brown,

we're foreclosing.
Go sell pencils,"

in this house,
I'm the boss,

and I make
the financial decisions.

And what a shrewd financial
decider he is too.

Come on, honey.
Tell her about the time

you shrewdly decided not
to buy into that property

that some sucker
built the Sears Tower on.

Don't forget, Peg.

The money
we saved there

allowed us to buy
that / acre

on lake Chicamacomico.

It may not look
like much now,

but when they figure
out how

to keep plants
and animals alive there,

that's gonna be quite
a little paradise.

I'll bet. But Al, I know
a good thing when I see it too.

And even without you,
the deal is still a good one,

and I'm going to do it.

Well, you are woman.
Go out and roar.

Mmm. I'm full.

Peg, as usual,
every day's Thanksgiving.

I'm going to work.

Marce, I'll see you tonight.

What for?

Well, after these guys
rip you off,

you'll be back
to tell me I was right.

Because I will be.

You're that sure of yourself?

Marcie, I'd bet
my retirement property on it

if the Army didn't
have it padlocked.

Peggy, I cannot for the life
of me understand

how you live with that man.

Well, in Al's defense,

what with overtime,
television, and the bathroom,

I really don't
see him very much.

See you later.

Mom, big news down the block.

The cops just arrested
these two guys

trying to pull
the old asphalt scam.

They what?

Yeah, you know the one where
they offer

to redo
your driveway real cheap,

but they just use oil,

so when it rains,
it all washes away.

You have to be a real feeb
to fall for that one.

Who are you calling?

Al's mother. I told him
I'd invite her for the summer

the next time he was right
about anything.

Well, how do you think
he'll take it?

Take what?

Hello?

My having to tell Al
he was right.

You're not seriously
going to do that are you?

Hello?

Well, I have to.
He's bound to find out

if he hasn't already.

Marcie, let me
tell you something.

Peggy, is that you...?

In the years that
I've been married to Al,

I've learned there are certain
things never to ask for.

Never approach him for sex
during Wide World of Sports.

Oh, unless women's gymnastics
are on, then you got a shot.

Never approach him
for sex in the morning.

He thinks that
is just disgusting.

And never ever
tell him he's right.

Why?

Because he's a man, Marcie.

And the only thing uglier

than a man who thinks
he's right is Al.

Believe me, I know this
from experience.

Let me tell you a story.

A few years after
we were married

I told Al that I could
hold up a fender

so he could fix
the flat tire.

He said, "No, let a man do it."
I said I could.

So to make a long
story short,

a man had to set
his leg that night.

But, to this day, whenever I ask
Al to do something for me,

that he doesn't want to do,

he lifts up that leg
and says he can't

and that it's my fault.

The worst part
about it is, he's right.

Marcie, don't let him
lift his leg on you.

AL: Guess, I'll see you
tonight, Marce.

MARCIE:
What for?

AL: To tell me
I was right.

PEG: You're not seriously
going to do that, are you?

AL:
Tell me I was right.

I was right.

STEVE:
Marcie, I'm back!

Steve?

I thought you weren't due back
till tomorrow night.

I missed you.

I'm sorry I didn't call.

So you want
to fool around?

Well, sure.

I'm so glad to hear that.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I haven't slept
in hours.

Oh, Steve's
not back yet.

You have those
empty bed blues, huh?

Well, yes and no.

Peggy,
do you ever dream?

Nah. Why dream,
when I have all this?

No, I mean do you
ever have dreams?

Nightmares? I had
a real doozy last night.

What about?

Al.

Al?

My Al?

Yeah. See,
I was asleep...

Did he have feet?

Beg pardon?

It's funny.

In my dreams,
Al never has any feet.

Oh, well. Go on.

In my dream,
Steve came in

and asked me if I wanted
to fool around.

And when I said yes,
he turned and it was Al.

My Al?

Well, then what happened?

Nothing.

Yep, sounds like my Al.

I hope you're
not upset, Peggy.

About a dream?
Don't be silly.

Plus, if you dreamed that
Al was in your bedroom,

I should be
apologizing to you.

Thanks, Peggy.

Oh, but could you
do me a favor?

Please don't
tell Al about this.

Oh, don't worry.

But could you do
something for me?

If you ever dream
about Al again,

could you check and see
if he has any feet?

That really bothers me.

Sure thing.

Hi, Marce.
Hi, Peg.

Bye, Peggy...Al.

What's with her?

She had a dream she slept
with you last night.

Oh, yeah?

She's a lucky gal.

STEVE:
Marcie, I'm home.

Steve?

Yeah.

Sorry I'm late, honey.

The pro-penny people
pelted us with nickels.

Did I wake you?

Steve, it is you.

Of course it's me.

Give me a hug.

Did you miss me?

Mm-hmm.

Don't worry.

Daddy's home.

And Daddy's going
to make it all better.

STEVE:
Marcie, I'm home.

Hon, you wouldn't believe
the traffic over O'Hare tonight.

I swear...

Someday that's where they're
going to find Amelia Earhart.

But...

The eagle has landed.

You want to fool around?

Pizza's here.

Kelly, you know that's not
the way to hold a pizza.

Mom, have you ever tried
to carry one of these things

sitting on the back
of a Harley going

while trying to hold
onto a fat guy

who's wearing nothing
but chains and black leather.

Yes, I have, and that is
not the way to do it.

Mom, are we gonna do anything
different this summer?

Well, Daddy got seats
for the ballgames again.

Oh, puke.

I thought
you liked the Cubs.

I do, I just hate watching
them from the roof

of that apartment building
where Dad always gets his seats.

Well, honey, maybe someday
they'll forget about

that fan interference call

that kept the Cubs
out of the World Series

and let Daddy back
into the stadium.

I hope so,
because it looks so stupid

with just us and the Polaskis
doing the wave.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Marcie, you're a wreck.

Oh, I see.

Steve got back,

and you two were at it
all night, huh?

No.

I had
that dream again...

With Al.

See, this is the part where
you're supposed to make a joke

about Al being quick
in the sack

so I can laugh
and see that

you're not really mad
or anything.

Marcie, that's two nights
in a row.

Al hasn't been quick
in the sack with me

for two nights
in a row in years.

Hey, you think
I'm enjoying this?

I was throwing up
all night.

Well, so did I at first,
but it passes.

Whatever happened to "It's only
a dream. Don't worry about it?"

Peggy, can't you see what hell
my life's becoming?

I haven't slept
in hours.

Steve's mad at me

because every time
he brings up sex, I get sick.

And now you're
yelling at me.

And why not?

You're the one dreaming
around with my husband.

Hey, Peg.

Ha!

Hey, Marce.

I tell you,
what a day.

All day long,
it's pick up the shoes.

Put down the shoes.
Pick up the shoes.

Tomorrow ought to be
a good day for you.

Tomorrow
I wash the car...

in my t-shirt.

I can't believe
you told him.

I can't believe
you dream about him.

I can't believe
everybody doesn't.

I'm mortified.

Well, get happy.

Well, Peg, it looks
like another little filly

in the old
Bundy stable.

Get me a beer, will ya?

Al, what are you doing
in Marcie's dream?

Ruining her
for all other men.

You are doing something
to cause those dreams.

Now I don't know what it is,
but I want you to cut it out.

I'll cut it out, Peg,
just tell me what to do.

What should I do,
stop wearing t-shirts?

Stop oozing sex
from every pore?

That isn't sex, Al.

What should I do, Peg?

Well, you could
come upstairs

and be my dreamlover
for a while.

Peg, not tonight.

This leg has
been acting up.

Ever since that night
with the car...

Fine, fine.

Then let's discuss
who else's dreams

you've been
gallivanting around in.

Perhaps Mrs. Pritchard
across the street.

I've seen how she looks
at you over her walker.

If you think...

♪ If you want my body ♪

♪ And you think I'm sexy ♪

♪ Come on, sugar
Let me know ♪

♪ If you really
Need me ♪

♪ Just reach out
And touch me ♪♪

Steve, please.
I'm trying to read.

You don't have to stop.

Just get me a hammer
and I'll just nail

that sucker to the ceiling.

Steve!

I have a question.

Do you think
it's possible

to dream that you're
interpreting a dream

or must you be
awake to do this?

And what are dreams anyway?

Could we just be the dream
of some greater sleeping being?

And if so, are we then
in fact real?

I want sex, Marcie.

I think I'm
getting nauseous.

All right. That's it.

Look, I've asked more
than a couple of women

to go to bed with me
in my time.

While I admit some
of their responses

may have been somewhat cruel,

not very many jumped up and
stuck their heads in the toilet.

Now something strange
is going on here,

and I demand
to know what it is.

Don't toy with me, Marcie.

I'm horny,
and I've been to Buffalo.

Well...okay,
I'll tell you,

but you have to promise
not to get angry.

Fine.

Well, it's
like this...

STEVE:
Al?!

And where are you
when I dream, huh?

Where were you when
I dreamt I was drowning?

How could I swim?

You said I have no feet.

If you loved me,
you would have paddled.

[DOOR SLAMS]

Ah.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Who is it?

Steven
Bartholomew Rhoades.

Bartholomew?

Al, I'm horny. What are you
going to do about it?

Get in there.

Don't go yelling
things like that.

I've got kids up there

Or out there...

Somewhere.
I don't know.

Did she tell you, Steve?

Yes, Peggy.

He's an animal.

I don't know what happened,
I go out of town for one day,

I come back,
my wife's throwing up

and dreaming she's sleeping
with your husband.

I guess that's why they
call it the blues.

I'm getting
out of here.

You two can go on
blaming me

for the dreams
of an insane woman.

I'm going to a hotel.

Better make it the Y.

I don't want
any women to see me.

Well, look who's here.
The dream weaver.

Why can't you have
normal dreams like me?

You know, where
you're Maharajah Bundy

and women with four breasts
feed you ding dongs?

Is Steve in there?

No. There are no
other men in my dream.

Just Phil Donahue, and we feed
him to the lizard people.

No, I meant is Steve
in your house?

Oh, yeah.

He and Peg
want me dead.

You just want me.

Sit down, Al.

You're not going to be looking
at my butt or anything, right?

I think
I can guarantee that.

Sit down, Al.

All right.

What is it?

I know now why I was
having those dreams.

Remember the driveway repavers
you said were gonna rip me off?

They were, Al,
but I never told you.

And the guilt I had manifested
itself in my dreams.

I thought that...

That I desired you?

No, Al.

I was being punished,

much as sex with you
must actually be like.

So now, in order to rid
myself of the guilt

and those horrible,
horrible dreams,

I've come to say
you were right.

You hear that, Al?

You were right,
and I was wrong.

You're the man,
and I'm the woman.

And in this case,
the man was right.

The man knew better
than the woman.

The woman should have
listened to the man.

Satisfied, Al? Is that
what you want to hear?

Wait a second,
hold on a second.

You didn't desire me?

You didn't
even have feet.

Marcie, I thought
I heard you out here.

What's going on?

Nothing. Just purging
myself, that's all.

Oh, honey, not again.

Not that.

Everything's fine now.

Let's go home.

You mean home as in...

Last one up has
to read the ceiling.

I'm going
to have sex, Al.

What's everybody
talking about?

I got feet.

Al, Steve and I
were talking

about you being in
Marcie's dream, and...

I was right about it
being stupid to blame me.

You're not gonna lord this
over me, are you?

Sure, I am, Peg.

Well, I'm going up
to bed now.

Good.

Why don't you come
on up and show me

what dreams
are really made of?

I'll be up in
a little bit, Peg.

Well, at least
it's all over.

PEG:
Al!

Al, you coming up?

I said I'd be
up in a second, Peg.

I said
I'd be right up.

Well, don't
wait too long...

tiger.

AL:
Aah!

[***]