06x21 - Teacher Pets

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

Daddy, do I have to watch this?

Yes, you do.

As your father, when I
find something of quality,

I feel it's my responsibility
that my child reap the benefits.

TV is not all trash.

ANNOUNCER [OVER TV]:
And now, back to Psycho Dad.

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING OVER TV]

♪ A little touched
Or so we're told ♪

♪ He k*lled his wife
'Cause she had a cold ♪

♪ Might as well She was ♪

[AL SINGING ALONG]
♪ Gettin' old ♪

[MOUTHING WORDS] ♪ Psycho Dad ♪

♪ Psycho Dad ♪

♪ Psycho Dad ♪

♪ He's quick with a g*n
And his job ain't done ♪

[AL SINGING ALONG] ♪
k*lled three wives by 21 ♪

♪ He's Psycho Dad ♪

[LAUGHS] This is why
we must give to PBS.

[SNIFFLING]

Oh, I'm so sick.

Ah... Ah... Ah...

[SNEEZES] [GRUNTS]

Can someone get me some water?

Uh, you know
where the kitchen is.

Or maybe you don't.

[LAUGHING]

Daddy, she is sick.
She needs help.

Mom, the kitchen's
over there somewhere.

[LAUGHING]

All right, fine. Be that way.

But I hope you realize,
the longer I stay sick,

the longer it'll be before I do
any housework around here.

Oh, gee, Peg.

But we can still
have sex, can't we?

[LAUGHING]

Mom, Dad, Grandma.

A weird thing happened
to me at school today.

My English teacher,
Miss McGowen,

she was looking at me.

She looked right at
you? Is she all right?

[CHUCKLES]

Listen, Craftmatic
Adjustable Girl,

I know the look.

I get it plenty as I parade
the total package around town.

It's the look that says:

"You've got it all, and
I want a piece of it."

I've seen that look a thousand
times on a thousand faces.

And I saw it again today.

I... I'm not kidding.

It was desire.
Desire, I tell you.

Well, the great thing is that
you're at your sexual peak.

This is it, Bud.
"She looked at me."

Yeah, that was
the top of the hill.

The supreme moment.

Something to tell your
cats about when you're 60.

You know, when you
think they're looking at you,

but they only want food.

You know, this is almost too
sad to spread around the mall.

Yep, almost.

[LAUGHS]

It is possible she looked
at me. Isn't it, Dad?

Bud, didn't I take you to Little
League when you were 8?

Yes. Then what do
you want from me?

See, I told you he
wouldn't have a date.

Now go ahead and ask him.

All right.

Hey, we're on our way

to Chuck E. Cheese,

and we'd be honored
if you'd go with us.

And we don't want you to think

that we're only taking
you somewhere out of pity.

It's really a happening
place, right, dear?

Oh, yeah. As the kids say:

"It's uptight, outta sight,
and everything'll be all right!"

Hey... Hey, you can
pretend it's your birthday,

and we'll get you
a Chuck E. Ducky.

It makes bathtime fun.

[CHUCKLES]

What does it look like I am,

the kid in Mask?

I am popular.

You get that, people? Popular.

Now can I get a
"Whoa, Bud is popular"?

BUCK: How about a
"Whoa, sh**t the boy"?

I see.

Well, get a load of this.

Today at school, a
teacher was lookin' at me

like I was breakfast.

What do you think
of that, D'Arcy?

I think that deserves
an extra topping.

[CHUCKLES]

She was lookin' at me.

She was, she was.

She was lookin' at me

like Mrs. D'Arcy
used to look at me.

You mean like this?

[LAUGHS]

Well, yeah, but it was
even more bold with desire.

All right, a
commercial's on now,

I guess I have to get into this.

What are you
people trying to do,

ruin my boy's confidence?

Now, if he says a
teacher looked at him,

I say a teacher looked at him.

Son, was this a female teacher?

Yes, Dad.

Seriously?

Yes.

All right, then,
let's celebrate.

You sit right down
here and you watch TV.

Listen, is that Chuck
E. Cheese place good?

Oh, Al, we were only
going to do it for the boy

because he was
alone on a Friday night.

Well, I'm alone
on Friday night too.

Well, gee, Al, it's too bad
that the Hair Club for Men

isn't a real club, eh?

Serious? No.

Take me to Chuck E. Cheese.
You were gonna take Bud.

Don't make me beg. Come on.

Well, Bud, I guess it's
just you and me, heh.

My boy and his sick mother,

who nursed you
when you were a baby,

who fed you and nurtured you,

and now all she
asks for in return

is some soup from Jerry's,

and a burger from Don's,

and a meatball
hero from Tratatorio's

and a snow cone
from Izzi's at the airport.

Mom, it's Friday night.

♪ Oh, my mama ♪

♪ To me she was so beautiful ♪

[TEARFULLY] ♪ Oh, my mama ♪

Okay, okay, I'll go.

That's a good boy.

Get me some tampons too.

Of course.

[SIGHS] [DOOR CLOSES]

Gee, Buck, no one loves
you when you're sick.

[COUGHS]

Come give Mommy a kiss.

ANNOUNCER [OVER TV]:
Coming next fall, Psycho Mom.

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING OVER TV]

WOMAN: ♪ Who's that
gal Who needs no man ♪

♪ k*lled him dead
With a fryin' pan ♪

♪ Did it 'Cause he
missed the can ♪

♪ Psycho Mom ♪
♪ Psycho Mom ♪

♪ Psycho Mom ♪
♪ Psycho Mom ♪

♪ She's Psycho Mom ♪
♪ She's Psycho Mom ♪

ANNOUNCER: On Fox.

Naturally.

And your next quiz will
be on the complete works

of Edgar Allan Poe.

She may not be
lookin' at me now,

but she was too lookin' at me.

I just know it.

And why not? Lots
of girls look at me.

I know she's lookin' at me.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Maybe everybody was right.

Why would Miss
McGowen look at me?

Ah, who cares?

She's 40.

What would I want with
a 40-year-old woman?

I want that.

I want that bad.

[BELL RINGS]

Class dismissed.

Except for you, Mr. Bundy.

What could this be?

I hope she didn't notice me

staring obsessively at her legs.

Mr. Bundy, I've
noticed you during class

staring obsessively at my legs.

Well, at least she
didn't catch me

looking at other things.

And other things.

Gulp.

Your behavior, Mr. Bundy,

has finally forced
me to take action.

I understand, Miss
McGowen. Do what you must.

Yabba-dabba-doo.

[SNIFFLING]

Aspirin.

Honey, give me an
aspirin before I die.

Why me?

What about the old guy
who lives in your room?

Well, if you mean Daddy,
he's at Chuck E. Cheese.

He's been there
every night this week.

Since he discovered
that the pizza's free,

if he just pretends to be

with whatever kid's
havin' a birthday party.

[SIGHS] Well, I guess
I have to start walking

a little bit prouder now, eh?

Give Mommy some aspirin, honey.

Sure, Mommy.

Hey, Bud, get Mom some aspirin.

Everyone else has a date.

BUD: No, Kel,

everyone has a date.

Is it hot in here
or is it just me?

He's in a suit.

Is there a funeral
at school today?

Yes, 'tis the death of
Bud Bundy, lonely boy,

and the birth of
Stud Bundy, only boy.

I have a date.

A date? Holy Hannah.

Hello, Reverend Felcher?

Has hell frozen over?

Well, something's up.

My brother has a date.

Yes, Bud.

I know.

Yes, I know church is the
place to be at times like this.

I'm coming right over.

Now, you're the building
with the big T on top, right?

Daddy, the sky
is falling. It would.

Just when I start eatin'.

Peg, look at this.

Look what I won
playin' Skee-Ball.

Well, actually, I was a
couple of tickets short

so I copped a few
from a kid in a stroller

who was too young to tell on me.

Yeah, he can point and cry,

but let's see that
hold up in court.

[LAUGHING]

Son, you gotta come with me.

Sorry, Dad, I can't,

because I have two
things you don't have:

A date and an ounce of pride.

Now, son, if you had
an ounce of pride,

you wouldn't lie to
us about havin' a date.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

That must be her now. A
half-hour early, I might add.

Well, who can blame her?

Sometimes I can't wait
to touch myself either.

Well, you know what I mean.

I'm afraid we do.

Darlene?

I shall now leave you

to your tissue- and
cheese-infested lives.

[CHUCKLES]

Word is you've been
dating Miss McGowen.

Yeah, well, I'd hate
to deny her this.

[GASPS]

Ooh.

Well, what about me?

I mean, I'd like to see you too.

Why? Uh, I mean, sure.

Why?

Well, I can't help but think

you must be quite a lover

if an older woman wants you.

Yeah, well, Miss McGowen...

Uh, Dotty and I.

We have this exclusive
thing, you know,

"Be true to your
schoolmarm" and all that.

But then, I guess the old
lady can wait for half an hour.

[GIGGLES]

[FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS]

[SIGHS]

What are you doin'?

Little Andy Goldstein's
havin' a birthday.

Box is empty, but by
the time he finds out,

I'll be full and gone.

Don't you care
at all that I'm sick?

Well, of course I do, honey.

How do you want me to prove
it? You want me to swim a river?

Climb a mountain? Slay a dragon?

Bring me an aspirin.

Can't do it, babe. Gotta
go to Chuck E. Cheese.

And that's another thing, Al.

I am tired of you comin' to
bed smellin' of extra cheese.

I can't believe no one cares.

And now with Bud
goin' out every night,

[SOBBING] there's never
anyone here to take care of me.

Ah, come on, Peg.

Go on upstairs and... And
I'll bring you some juice.

This time for real?

Just as soon as you're in bed.

Well, I'm trusting you.

You won't be disappointed.

And if you are, I won't be here.

[SIGHS]

Bud, listen, your
mother says she needs

some juice or an aspirin

or something real bad.

Dad, I'm too tired.

No pressure. Do it
tomorrow. [SIGHS]

I'm goin' out again tomorrow.

In fact, I'm goin'
out again tonight.

Dad, I need to talk to you.

Aw, gee, son, you know I
got the Goldstein affair tonight.

It'll only take a minute.

I've been seein'
two women at once.

And it's wearin' me out.

I don't know how to
juggle two women.

Did you ever have this problem?

You're talkin' to old number 33.

You know how I got that number?

Because the most money
you've ever had was 33 cents?

No!

Because that's how
many women deep

the line was to
ride the wild Bundy.

Back in those days,
everybody wanted a piece.

I had anyone to choose from.

[PEG SNEEZES, SOBS]

[PEG SNEEZES]

But we don't always
choose what's best for us.

And this
two-women-juggling thing:

Eventually, the problem is
they both fall down on you.

So save yourself
some pain and pick one.

What if I pick the wrong one?

Oh, you will.

No matter who you pick,
it'll be the wrong one.

And not just because
you're a Bundy,

because you're a man.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've gotta get to the party

before fat Billy Applebaum
eats all my pizza.

He comes to every one
of those damn parties.

All us kids hate him.

Dad, did I mention

one of these women
was 40 and my teacher?

No, you did not.

I think she loves me, Dad.

Son, I say this not to
hurt, but to educate.

You see, son, I'm afraid it
may not be you she's after.

I'm afraid she might be
after the vast Bundy fortune.

She wants everything we have!

Dad, I've seen
the trunk of her car.

She's got everything we have.

It's still not right.

Son, you got plenty of time
to date 40-year-old women

when you're 70.

No, wait, wait a minute.

Make that, uh,
35 when you're 80.

Yeah, that feels
more right to me.

Yep, that's what I
want when I'm old.

[SIGHS]

A drool nurse with luscious
honkers wipin' my chin,

shakin' her heinie while she
washes my dentures in the sink.

That's what keeps me goin'.

That and the 12
pizzas I've eaten

in the last three days.

Thanks, Dad.

Once again, you wow
me with your wisdom.

But I've decided
I'm keepin' 'em both.

For once, a Bundy's
gonna have it all.

Well, I guess he'll
have to learn for himself

what a rock-solid
relationship means.

PEG: Al, where's
my orange juice?

Florida, I reckon.

[LAUGHS]

Yup, two, two,
two babes at once.

God, I envy me.

Hey, did you guys hear the news?

Miss McGowen's dating a student.

She ran off with
a football player.

Yeah, she said he
was the only one

that could ever satisfy her.

No big thing.

That leaves me more time
to give to the young babe.

Good news, babe.

Now you got me all to yourself.

Drop dead.

If you can't satisfy an older
woman like Miss McGowen,

what the hell would
I want with you?

Well, let's just
see how you feel

when the new teacher gets here.

I haven't seen a temp yet

that didn't need
a little lovin'.

I'm Mrs. A. Mariner,

and I'll be the new teacher
for the rest of the semester.

Oh, heh.

And then again, there's always
Chuck E. Cheese with Dad.

Well, the great thing
about being at the bottom

is you can't fall any lower.

You cradle-robber!

You, you... Cher!

Maybe it can get worse.

Hey, look, it can.

I just lost control
of my bladder.

I know what you
want, "Miss Gabor."

You drive by and you see
that house and that Dodge,

and say, "Some people
live like this, why can't I?"

Well, you can't
just take my son,

have your way sexually with him

and not expect
some repercussions

from a concerned parent.

I played high-school
football. I know the score.

Son, are you really goin'
out with this prune-face?

What strange hold do
you have over the boy?

How many happy
homes have you broken

in your thousand years?

Sure, I know my
boy is almost a virgin.

But you can no
longer take advantage.

I have called the
proper authorities.

There she is. The
strumpet with the blue hair.

And I'll tell you
somethin' else.

She lied about her age.

Last time she saw 40 was 1840.

I'm sorry I had to do that,
son, but damn it, I love ya!

Oh, Bud, Mommy's outta tampons.

Oh, yeah, that's
what was missing.

Now, right off, I... I
don't know that man.

You guys are probably thinking,
because he called me son,

that he was my dad.

Wait a second.
Maybe this is a dream.

Yeah, that's it.

If this were really happening,

I'd have to drop out of college.

I'll wake up any second.

[TEARFULLY] Wake up, Bud.

Oh, I mean, can't
you hear me crying?

Wake me up.

I know. I'll prove it's a dream.

I'll take down my pants,

and it'll be so
embarrassing, I'll wake up.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm even dreaming I
ran out of underwear.

Oh, and son...

[♪♪♪]