Morning, dear. Well, finally.
His Majesty has condescended
to grace us with his presence.
Be seated. Please,
Lily, spare me the jokes.
Today's starting out
to be one of those days.
Good morning, Uncle
Herman. Good morning, dear.
Good morning! Morning, Grandpa.
Mmm. What smells so good?
I cut myself shaving.
[Banging]
Front door. I'll get it.
No, dear. Uh, not the way
you're dressed. I'll get it.
You can never tell when
Mr. Right is gonna come along.
If you go to the door looking like
that, you're liable to scare him off.
[Banging Continues]
Front door.
Well, bless me.
If it isn't Herman.
[Laughing]
Oh, no. Charlie.
I knew it was gonna
be one of those days.
Ah, Lily. [Chuckling]
Herman's twin brother.
Charlie, it's good to see you.
Lily, you look just
wonderful, my dear.
A lot of people would just die
to have a complexion like that.
Don't tell me.
This is little Eddie.
The last time I saw you,
my boy, you were this high.
Ah, Marilyn.
Don't you look
pretty, uh, uh, pretty...
How do you do in school,
dear? Just fine, Uncle Charlie.
Good, good, good.
And now, Uncle Charlie...
has a little something
for each of you.
Now, let me see.
What have I got here?
Eddie, this is for you.
Oh, boy, a bat in the box!
Thank you, Uncle Charlie.
And Lily, this is for you.
Oh, Charlie! A new shroud!
Oh! Ooh.
A girl can never
have enough of these.
Marilyn, this here's for you.
[Croaking] [Gasps]
Oh.
Greatest thing in
the world for warts.
[Clearing Throat]
Don't worry, Grandpa. Old
Charlie hasn't forgotten you.
Good.
Oh. Oh!
It's a box of cigars.
And the box, you see,
is a great place to
keep your ashes.
[Laughing]
But, uh, tell me,
where's Herman?
He can't still be nursing a grudge
against his own twin brother.
Of course not,
Charlie. He loves you.
He'll be right down.
Oh, no, he won't.
What's in the other
suitcase, Uncle Charlie?
That?
That, Marilyn, my dear,
is a little invention...
that is going to make your
Uncle Charlie a million dollars.
[Lily] "A million dollars"?
[Grandpa] Oh, an invention.
By the way, I happen to be
a bit of an inventor myself.
Do you mind if I
take a look at it?
Delighted.
Oh.
What does it do, Uncle Charlie?
It extracts uranium
from seawater.
"Extracts uranium from
seawater"? I don't believe it.
If you will allow
me... Marilyn, please.
I'll show you how it works.
See? Good old everyday
garden variety seawater.
It contains .
grains of uranium.
Now, let me see here.
I turn the machine on.
Now I add the water.
Oh! Is that really uranium?
There's one sure
way to find out.
I'll fly down to my laboratory
and get my Geiger counter.
Oh, no, no, no. Uh,
Grandpa, don't do that.
It's not necessary.
I mean, I have my own.
I always carry a
Geiger counter with me.
[Soft Crackling, Grows Louder]
[Laughing]
You'll make a fortune.
Why, do you realize...
that uranium is worth
its weight in gold?
Well, what do you know?
[Chuckling]
Well...
It's getting late. I'd
better find me a hotel.
Say "how do you
do" to Herman for me.
Funny. I have a feeling
that boy's been avoiding me.
- You're darn right I am.
- You're going to stay here with us.
After all, you're Herman's
only living relative.
Oh, Lily, how sweet.
Well, if you insist.
Eddie, come along, my boy.
You and me are going
to dig up a little snack first.
Huh. It's easy to see who got
all the personality in that family.
[Clearing Throat]
[Clearing Throat]
Guess what, Herman.
Charlie is staying with us.
He's doing no such thing.
I want him and his phony uranium
machine out of this house this instant!
Herman Munster!
How can you talk like that
about your own flesh and blood?
Because I've known
him longer than you.
Charlie Munster is a scoundrel
and a con artist from way back.
The doctor who put him together didn't have
an honest bone in his whole laboratory.
Oh, Herman, you're just jealous.
Why, having Charlie here in the
house is like a breath of fresh earth.
I agree with Uncle Herman. There's
something not just right about Charlie.
Marilyn's right.
Just why is he showing up now?
I'll tell you why. Lily, he's
heard about that $ , ...
your grandmother left
you the last time she d*ed.
And he's here to cheat you out
of it with that uranium machine.
Why, shame on you, Herman.
And just because of that, I'm
gonna check this machine...
and prove how wrong
you are about Charlie.
Meanwhile, I
insist he stay here.
All right. All right.
But you will regret it.
I keep telling you... Charlie's always
been the white sheep in this family.
- When are you gonna believe me? When?
- Nevermore.
Just a minute. He's right
here. Uncle Charlie, telephone.
The man says it's important.
Oh. Well, I wonder
who that can be.
I distinctly instructed my secretary
not to tell anybody where I was.
- Munster here.
- This is Leo Kraus.
[Coughing]
Oh. Oh, uh, hi, Knuckles.
Where's that thousand bucks I put
up for that phony machine of yours?
I gave you hours
to pay me back.
Well... Well, now,
a-as... as a matter of fact,
I'm in the process of taking
care of that little matter right now.
You've got exactly
hours to hand over the dough;
otherwise, you'll get
your head broken.
[Chuckles] It's my head broker.
I... I mean, my head broker.
Well, thank you very much
for the advice, Mr. Kraus.
I don't think it's gonna
be too difficult to arrange.
You mean to tell me you actually
found a sucker to buy that machine?
- There can't be anybody that stupid.
- Oh, but there is.
Which brings me to
a very important point.
- I hope you don't mind me selling
one of our machines for $ , .
- $ , ?
I realize it's a ridiculously
small amount, but you see,
it's for a member
of my own family...
My favorite sister-in-law.
But why not?
Charlie says his partner gave him
special permission to sell it to us.
He says I couldn't
make a safer investment.
He says the ocean
is full of uranium.
The ocean is
also full of suckers,
and I'm gonna see to it
that you're not one of them.
After all, Grandma did
leave that money to me.
And Grandpa's testing the
machine. He saw it work.
No. It's a silly idea.
If your grandmother were alive,
she'd be turning over in her grave.
As long as Charlie stays in
this house, I'm gonna see to it...
that that money
stays in the wall safe.
Let me see. What was
that combination again?
Oh, yes. Two turns to the left.
Right to .
Back to six.
Now all we do is add a
little water from the ocean...
and wait for the results that
will prove to Uncle Herman...
how wrong he was about
Uncle Charlie. [Chuckling]
♪♪ [Humming]
[Laughing]
Eddie, quick, quick, get my
Geiger counter. Okay, Grandpa.
♪♪ [Humming
Continues] [Soft Crackling]
Huh. [Loud Crackling]
Maybe I used the wrong ocean.
- Grandpa, this is nothing but sand.
- Sand? Plain sand?
To the scientific mind,
this means just one thing.
- Yes, it means that Uncle Charlie...
- Broken.
I broke Uncle Charlie's machine.
[Herman] Left three.
Right .
Two turns to the left.
Stop at .
Aw, it's only gold again.
Oh, I've gotta fix this machine
before good old Charlie finds out.
[Herman] To the right.
Seven left.
Sixteen right.
Two turns to the left.
[Clicks]
And presto!
There. I'd like to see Charlie
get his hands on it now.
[Laughing]
Oh, Charlie, I'm afraid
the answer is still no.
You know how Herman is. I talked
to him until I was pink in the face.
That sort of puts me in a
funny position, Lily. After all,
my associates were only
doing it as a favor to me.
Well, in case anybody wants
me, I'll be down in my laboratory.
I've got a little work
to do down there.
[Coughing]
I wish he wouldn't do that. It
gets ashes all over the floor.
Can I heat this up for
you? Oh, thank you.
Oh, I'm sorry. We're
all out of sugar.
I'll run over to Mrs.
Cartwright's and borrow some.
Mrs. Cartwright? She's
the woman next door.
She's very fond of Herman.
He helps her a lot
around the house. Ah.
She's a bit eccentric though.
Been that way ever
since her husband d*ed.
- A widow?
- Yes. Poor dear.
But fortunately, her husband
left her well provided for.
Well, that is fortunate. Lily,
I'll get the sugar.
Allow me. Sit right down. Oh.
Thank you.
I'll just pop right over.
And I may pick up
enough sugar for both of us.
[Knocking On Door] Come in.
Excuse me. [Gasps] Oh.
Oh, it's... it's
you, Mr. Munster.
Oh, hello. Uh...
Mrs. Cartwright?
Oh, of course.
Come in, Mr. Munster.
Oh, my, don't you look grand.
What have you done to yourself?
Oh, you mean the suit? Like it?
Oh, it's very handsome,
and I imagine very expensive.
Custom made. You see, I
made an investment recently...
on a little invention that
turned out rather well.
Well, on to a good thing and
you didn't even tell me about it.
That isn't very
neighborly, Mr. Munster.
Call me Herman.
That's right, Knuckles.
I got the five grand.
You can call off your boys. I
unloaded that crazy machine.
Some old biddy named Cartwright.
I'm on my way now with the loot.
I gotta blow town quick
before my brother finds out.
And, Charlie, don't do anything
cute or your frame will float.
Charlie sold that machine
to Mrs. Cartwright?
I was just talking to her
through the barbed wire fence.
She's floating on air.
She'll make the
fortune we missed.
Lily, that machine is just
what I told you it was... a phony.
- "A phony"?
- That's right.
I just sent Marilyn downtown to
the National Chemical Institute,
and they told her that while
seawater is full of uranium,
there's absolutely
no way of extracting it.
Oh, Herman, you
were right about Charlie.
- What are we gonna do?
- We're gonna have to buy back
that machine.
But that will take every last
cent of Grandma's legacy.
The good name of Munster is more
important than any amount of money.
Oh, serves me right
for trusting Charlie.
If you don't learn
to be more careful,
the next time Grandma dies, she'll
leave her money to someone else.
After I'm finished with this, I'm
gonna kick Charlie out of here...
Every lock, stock
and monocle of him!
Two turns to the left.
Right . Left...
Oh, the heck with it!
So you see, Mrs. Cartwright,
the machine is actually worthless.
So I wouldn't want
you to get stuck with it.
If it's worthless, why
did you sell it to me?
That wasn't me. That
was my twin brother.
Your twin brother? Oh!
Oh, no, no, Mr. Munster.
There couldn't
possibly be two like you.
It's really true. But
that's not important now.
Mrs. Cartwright, I'll pay
you back your whole $ , .
I don't know. I mean, if
you'd go to all the trouble...
of changing your clothes and making
up that story about a twin brother,
you must want that
machine pretty badly.
I'm just trying to
do the right thing.
Well, in that case,
you can have it... Good.
For $ , .
But, Mrs. Cartwright,
you only paid , .
I know. I know.
But a poor, defenseless
widow like me...
has got to make a
teeny-weeny bit of profit.
That's the democratic way.
[Grandpa] Charlie.
Charlie, you're not leaving
without saying good-bye?
Charlie, I guess you're
mad because they told you.
Told me what? That
I broke your machine.
But I didn't mean to. I was just
trying... That's quite all right, Grandpa.
That's not my
problem any longer.
You see, I sold that old
machine to Lady Cartwright.
Ooh. But she'll be glad
to know that I fixed it.
It works just fine now. But, you
see, someone took it out of the lab,
and I still have a few
adjustments to make.
Forget the machine,
Grandpa. I'm leaving now.
Cheers.
"Fixed it"?
What do you mean, "fixed it"?
Well, look, just a few minutes
ago, I made this with the machine.
Huh?
Look at this. [Crackling Loudly]
What do you think?
That's uranium?
It ain't bat feathers.
Ah, Mrs. Cartwright,
I've decided not to sell
you my uranium machine.
I have to have it
back. Yes, I know.
Oh, fine. So, here's your money.
Let me have the machine.
Mr. Munster, you've already given me
the money back and taken the machine.
When did I do that?
Just before you
changed your clothes.
But I didn't change my clothes.
Wait a minute.
This fellow who gave you the
money back, was he about this tall?
Yes. Was he built like me?
Uh-huh. Well, that explains it.
That was my twin
brother. Brother.
Now that we own this thing,
what are we gonna do with it?
I'll tell you what
I'm gonna do with it.
I'm gonna smash
it into , pieces.
- Don't do that.
- Why not?
It's mine. I paid for it.
And at least I'm gonna get
the pleasure of smashing it.
Charlie Munster, you ought
to be ashamed of yourself.
How could you do this to us
after the way we trusted you?
Charlie, you proved one thing.
Water is thicker than blood.
I suppose you're right. I
ought to be ashamed of myself.
Charlie, you're no good.
And I'll tell you another thing.
You...
What did you say?
I said, you're right.
I am no good.
For the first time in my life, I've
been forced to look myself in the face,
and it's a pretty
frightening picture.
I get the feeling I've
just been insulted.
Being here with all of you has,
well, shown me
the error of my ways.
If you'll just give me another chance,
I'll do my best to make it up to you.
Well, if you ask me, it's
a little late for that now.
- It's : .
- Shut up!
Nevermore.
I realize I've done
a lot of rotten things,
but, you see, I've changed.
And to prove it, I'm gonna buy that
worthless machine back from you.
Oh, yeah?
- W-When do I get paid?
- Nevermore. [Squawks]
- Oh, do shut up.
- He's wound up too tight.
I'll pay you this very
moment. Oh, well, I...
Here's the money.
Well, Charlie, I...
Well...
Charlie, I... guess
I misjudged you.
We all make mistakes. [Laughing]
We're only human.
Well, cheerio.
At least let me drive
you to the station.
Oh, uh, not necessary, old
boy. I already phoned a cab.
Well, ta-ta, all.
Don't forget your
old Uncle Charlie.
Eddie, here's a little
something for your piggy bank.
[Door Opens]
Good-bye, Charlie. You
made the right decision.
After all, you can't always
get by on your good looks.
I suppose you're
right. [Chuckling]
Good-bye. Good... Good-bye.
Good-bye, Charlie.
Charlie! Good-bye, Charlie.
Charlie! Was that Charlie?
He just left.
Oh, I wanted to talk to him.
You know, he's been acting kind
of strange since I fixed his machine.
- "Fixed his machine"?
- Yeah.
I showed him this
batch of uranium I made,
and he hightailed it over to Mrs.
Cartwright like a bat out of heaven.
[Groans]
He tricked me again
with that sob story of his.
Darn it!
Look, Pop, the
quarter's fake too.
He gypped us all.
That machine was a
phony until you made it work.
I'm glad he took it with him. I wouldn't
want that machine around this house.
- Why not?
- Well, I'll tell you.
If he starts fooling with that machine,
there's no telling what may happen.
- Driver, to the airport, and step on it.
- What's the hurry, Charlie?
Knuckles. Where's
the five "G" s?
I haven't got it. But, Knuckles,
I've got something much better.
Both you and I are
going to be millionaires.
Just let me show
you this machine.
You see, now it really works.
Okay. But this time
it better be good.
He's in the cab, Grandpa.
What was that about the machine?
Oh, nothing. It's just that
the machine... [expl*si*n]
The machine's still
got a few bugs in it.