02x14 - Call Me Cupid

[bunniefuu]

- Hey, Randi, quick question.
- Hey, what's up?

♪ Who let the cats in? ♪

♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

(CHUCKLES): I can't believe
you fell for that again.

The answer is me.
♪ I let the cats in! ♪

- ♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow. ♪
- RANDI: Okay.

You're her boyfriend. Make it stop.

I think it's cute.

♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. ♪

Okay, I can't with this today.

Why so cranky, spanky?

I got new neighbors, and
they kept me up all night.

Oh. Were they fighting or
were they, uh, "fighting"?

My neighbors bang on the wall

when Glen and I get to ruttin'.

I'm a screamer.

They were definitely fighting,

unless their pet names for each other

are "nagging bitch" and "lazy asshat."

- So, I had kind of a brainstorm.
- Ooh.

Lucky for you, I brought
my brain umbrella.

My sister Mariella's daughter
Gracie takes piano lessons

from this woman Nicole,

and I was thinking we
set her up with Max.

Which one? Mariella, Gracie or Nicole?

Well, Mariella's married,

Gracie's six and quote,
"doesn't want to be tied down,"

so that leaves Nicole.

What's she like?

She seems super cool.

She just moved back from New York.

Ooh, and she used to be a gymnast.

Uh, that's probably
more for Max than you.

If she can teach me to do a cartwheel,

then that is for me.

I would love to see Max find somebody.

Me, too. It doesn't make any sense.

If I were that good-looking,
I'd have ten girlfriends.

All named Kat.

Yeah, you know, maybe the
four of us should go out.

Take the pressure off.

You just want her to teach
you to cartwheel, don't you?

All the kids could do
them and I couldn't.

Ta-da!

And yet your back hurt too
much to take the trash out?

Yeah.

It was all that ruttin'.

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪

You guys okay with this place?

Yeah, this is great.

I drive by it every day and say,

"I wish I was the type of
person who hangs out there,"

and look at me now.

Should we get some drinks?

(CHUCKLES) I teach
piano to eight-year-olds,

the answer is always gonna be yes.

Yeah, Oscar said you're a music teacher.

That's so cool.

Is it? 'Cause today Kyle Jenkins asked

if I was alive during pilgrim times

and threw up on my shoes.

Not these. I changed.

Well, I get it, I work with cats.

But at least with them you
get a little advance warning.

(MIMICS CAT RETCHING)

MAX: Anyway, okay.

(CHUCKLES)

Oscar tells me that you
lived in New York for a while.

Yeah, I spent three years
trying to break into Broadway.

Finally got into Wicked.

Oh, that's awesome, what part?

Audience member.

But when I sang "Popular" in
the restroom at intermission,

the woman in the next stall clapped.

Are you sure she was applauding you?

She might've just
been proud of her work.

(LAUGHS) Great.

You just k*lled the highlight
of my Broadway career.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS FORCEFULLY)

You know, I took Max to
his first musical ever.

I don't like to brag,
but did I change his life?

Yes, I did.

What was it?

Billy Elliot.

He cried twice.

I mean, he just wanted to dance.

And he did.

You know, Max is a musician, too.

He sings and writes his own songs.

Oh.

Yeah, in college, we kind of ruled

the Louisville karaoke scene.

At any moment, we're just a nudge away

from "Don't Go Breaking My Heart."

Sometimes they don't even need a nudge.

Perhaps you've heard of us, SilverBird?

Kat Silver. Max Kingbird.

Well, my last name is Tweedy, so...

Oh, my God, TweedyBird?

Totally in.

Yeah, combining names
is kind of our thing.

Don't worry, babe, we can be OK.

You get it?

Oscar? Kat? OK.

(KAT CHUCKLES)

Not okay.

Hurry up and get in the bedroom.

Oh, I thought we were
going out to dinner,

but you know what?

Th-This is way better.

What-what are you
doing? Put those back on!

Seems counterproductive but okay.

Shh! Just listen.

DOUG: Who you texting with now?

Is that him?

CARLIE: It's a work text, Doug!

You'd understand that if you had a job!

- (ARGUING CONTINUES)
- What is happening?

Okay, that's Carlie, she's a nurse.

She works a lot and
she's having an affair

with a doctor named Brad

while Doug is out playing pickleball.

Wait, what the hell is pickleball?

I don't know, but he
spent $ on a paddle,

and Carlie is not having it.

DOUG: You told me to
take time to find myself!

CARLIE: To work on your novel,

not waste your time with Call of Duty!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.

How is Call of Duty a waste of time?

- Shush!
- Come on, baby.

We haven't been together all week.

Let's get naked or go get our fondue on.

Hell, naked fondue sounds fun, too.

In a minute, let me just
see what happens next.

"In a minute" for sex or fondue?

I need to know what I'm
getting excited about!

CARLIE: That's great, pour
yourself another drink.

That'll solve things!

DOUG: Maybe you should
have one and loosen up.

- CARLIE: I can't.
- DOUG: Why not?

- CARLIE: I'm pregnant!
- (BOTH GASP)

Damn! Is it his?

I don't think so.

Oh, Doug, you're in
a real pickleball now.

This was the perfect double date.

I mean, good food, good
company, and Max paid.

You kidding? It was the
longest three hours of my life,

and I've been bra
shopping with my mother.

For my mother.

Really?

I thought you were having fun.

Plus, Max and Nicole really clicked.

(SCOFFS) Okay.

Only thing that clicked
was her ill-fitting shoes.

What was wrong with her shoes?

Please. (SCOFFS)

Her toes were hanging off the front

like lemmings going over a cliff.

Boo, next time, you got to alternate.

You know, margarita,
water, margarita, water.

Don't get me wrong,
she is very attractive,

from the ankles up.

Are you still mad 'cause she
took the last pretzel bite?

I'm just looking out for Max.

And yes, there were pretzel bites.

Standard appetizer protocol:
three for each of us.

Well, for Max's sake, I
hope they go out again.

(SCOFFS) Well, if anyone
knows Max, it's me.

And lemming toes, one and done.

Hey, did I miss anything?

Carlie bought another pregnancy test,

- but she hasn't taken it yet.
- Oh.

Kung Pao chicken and a
lady peeing on a stick,

I'm so glad we finally
found a show we both like.

(CHUCKLES) Wait, you liked Bridgerton.

Oh, yeah, that's right, I did.

Carlie is still on
the phone with her mom.

She has a condo in Lexington,
so she thinks she's all that.

Hey, um, what is he doing here?

Oh, I was telling him all
about my neighbors at work,

and you know how happy gossip makes him.

And the Housewives are on hiatus.

Well, I thought tonight was
supposed to be you and me

listening to the personal
problems of total strangers.

I mean, it'll be weird if Phil's here.

He's as quiet as a church mouse.

But if a squeal of
delight does sneak out,

it's the Lord's fault.

(KNOCKING)

Knock, knock, who's there?

Prosecco!

(SQUEALS)

Praise Jesus.

Meanwhile, downtown,

Kat went to Middle-see her friend Max.

Sometimes I like to pretend
I'm in Sex and the City.

Hey, what's going on?

It has been a day.

Meowly Cyrus has worms,

so it's been a lot of
sifting through litter boxes

and inspecting cat butts.

You know, you're allowed
to say "nothing much."

(CHUCKLES) Listen, um, about last night,

I don't know what Oscar was
thinking, but I am so sorry.

About what?

- Hey, Kat!
- Oh. Oh! Hey!

Hey, it's Nicole!

I didn't know she was
here. You didn't say that.

Well, you were pretty busy
talking about wormy cat butts.

(LAUGHS) Oh, my gosh,
ooh, look at your shoes.

- I just got 'em. What do you think?
- So cute.

Does this woman not know
what size shoe she wears?

You know, there's a lot
of stuff written about you

on the ladies' room wall.

Really? Well, I hope it's as nice

as the stuff written
about me in the men's room.

It was until what I just wrote.

- Oh.
- Oh! (LAUGHS)

Funny and pretty.

Get a gander of these shoes.
She's the whole package.

(MAX CHUCKLES)

Oh, hey, Seth's taking his break.

Get up there and show me what you got.

Oh, come on, I don't want to...

You're the one who's been bragging about

what a great piano player you are.

Okay, I have never said that once.

Oh, my God.

You can't play the piano, can you?

It's all a lie.

(LAUGHTER)

KAT (LAUGHING): Max!

Always the funniest friend I've had

for years, seven
months and two weeks.

If I knew the days,
that would be creepy.

I would love to hear
you play, too, Nicole.

All right.

But when I ask if everybody's
having a good time,

I better hear some
enthusiastic "hell yeahs."

- Isn't she great?
- Yeah.

But, you know, can she
really play that thing?

(PLAYING GENTLE MELODY)

♪

Oh, that answers that question.

I've been asked to play a song,

but for this one I'm
gonna need a partner.

(SCOFFS) I am not going up there.

Max Kingbird, please
report to the stage.

Oh. Of course, she was talking to you.

Go TweedyBird!

(PLAYING "DON'T GO BREAKING MY HEART")

♪ Don't go breaking my heart ♪

♪ I couldn't if I tried ♪

That's our song.

♪ Honey, if I get restless ♪

♪ Baby, you're not that kind ♪

She's that kind. She's
definitely that kind.

♪ Don't go breaking my heart ♪

♪ You took the weight off of me ♪

♪ Oh, honey, when you knock on my door ♪

♪ Ooh, I gave you my key ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo ♪

♪ Nobody knows it ♪

♪ Nobody knows ♪

♪ When I was down ♪

♪ I was your clown ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo ♪

- ♪ Nobody knows it ♪
- Kat, what are you doing?

♪ Nobody knows ♪

♪ Right from the start ♪

♪ I gave you my heart ♪

♪ Whoa, oh ♪

- (SCREAMS)
- (THUDS)

(PAINED): ♪ Gave you my heart. ♪

Why are you going all psycho
raccoon on those muffins?

I'm stressed, I'm
looking for the chocolate,

I need the chocolate.

And why are you so
stingy with the chips?

I put in a handful per muffin.

Well, look at those tiny
hands. Next time go for two.

Well, they may be tiny,

but they can slap like big girl hands.

Um, are you okay?

Yeah, why?

I'm worried about Max.

Is it that weird mole
on the back of his neck?

I swear that thing winked at me.

No, it's Nicole.

Oh, I thought he liked her.

He does, but he's stupid.

- He doesn't know she's all wrong for him.
- How so?

Well, she's one of those
people that you think is,

like, pretty and nice and kind and funny

and talented and generous,
but then you look at her shoes.

Okay, unless those shoes were made

from the skin of newborn
babies, I'm not following.

I-I can't explain it.

But I know Max better than anyone,

and-and this is a mistake.

Hmm... you sure you don't need

a little peanut butter
to go with that jelly?

What? I'm not jealous.

- Fine. All right.
- Randi, I'm not.

- So drop it.
- It's been dropped.

I'm just saying...

Oh, look who picked it up.

Look at this,

in bed with another woman and a gay man.

It's the ' s all over again.

Oh, the ' s.

The things I did for quaaludes.

The things I did on quaaludes.

Aren't people your age
supposed to be talking about

pills that help you poop?

DOUG: Carlie?

(GASPS) Shh, shh. Doug's home.

DOUG: What are you doing?

- CARLIE: Packing.
- DOUG: For where?

- CARLIE: My mother's.
- DOUG: Oh, please.

You're going to Brad's.

CARLIE: Fine, I'm going
to Brad's, are you happy?

Oh! I'm very, very happy.

- CARLIE: Just leave me alone!
- (DOOR SLAMS)

She should go to Brad's.

At least he's giving me a grandchild.

Maybe I'm a little overinvested in this.

Are we sure that the baby is Brad's?

Of course it is.

It happened the weekend
Doug went to Nashville.

Follow the damn show.

Oh, hey.

Ah, the g*ng's all here.

And Phil is sitting on my pillow.

Great.

Don't worry, I toot lilac and lavender.

(CHUCKLES) Check it out.

Carlie's moving out to
go live with Dr. Brad.

Oh, cool, cool.

Uh, can I talk to you for a second?

Oh, yeah, sure. Ooh.

Make sure you guys come get
me if Doug starts crying.

Y'all know I love it when Doug cries.

I think I saw Doug in the elevator.

Spill that tea, girl.

ONE WORD: Crocs.

Say no more.

What are they doing here again?

Well, I invited them
again. Is that a problem?

Look at me.

I've folded my arms.

Yes, it's a problem.

Well, you had fun with them last night.

Didn't you?

Doesn't mean I want
them here every night.

This is supposed to be our time.

Well, last week when it was
supposed to be "our time,"

you and Max went to Chuck E. Cheese.

But you said you were could with that,

- and it was Dave & Buster's.
- Same thing.

They are not the same thing.

You can't get drunk at Chuck E. Cheese.

Believe me, I tried.

RANDI: Point is, I don't
sit around waiting for you

to decide when it's "our time."

CARTER: Well, by my calculations,

"our time" hasn't
happened in over a week.

RANDI: Oh, sorry, I'll try to
find you, what, two minutes?

- DOUG (CRYING): Carlie, please.
- CARTER: That was one time...

DOUG: What does Brad
give you that I don't?

Oh, don't you hate it

when two of your favorite
shows are on at the same time?

(OVERLAPPING ARGUING)

- Hey, Kat.
- Oh!

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?

Yep, yep, just, uh...
Yeah, just a little dizzy,

but, ooh, I kind of
like that. (CHUCKLES)

Are you here to see Max?
Well, that's a stupid question.

Although you could be
here to see me, like,

I'm not nobody. Whoa, maybe I
hit my head harder than I thought.

Yeah, I'm-I'm here to see Max again.

Hope I'm not coming on too strong.

You don't think I am, do you?

No, no, not at all.

Good.

'Cause I really like him.

(CHUCKLES): Oh, good. Good for you.

Good for him. Good for both of you.

Good for everybody.
Really just plain good!

Still dizzy?

Nope, just a lot of
words and only one mouth.

- You want to join us?
- Oh, no.

I'm-I'm sure you two want to be alone.

- Well, actually...
- Okay, I'll join.

Here you go, ladies, tater
tots with three dipping sauces:

Cheez Whiz, ranch,

and what is either barbeque
sauce or old ketchup.

Bon appétit.

Do you have mustard?

Get out.

- (LAUGHS)
- Oh, oh, your first fight.

Remember, no name calling,
use "I" statements only.

Well, I think you're crazy.

I want you to try one.

(GROANS)

(LAUGHS)

I was right, this is super gross.

(LAUGHS) You guys are so cute.

I want to drill holes
in the top of your heads

and turn you into salt
and pepper shakers.

Wow.

- That's a specific compliment.
- (CHUCKLES)

So, when are you gonna
take this lovely young lady

out on a real date?

Said no jealous woman ever.

Yeah, Kingbird, when are
you gonna take me out?

Really? You want more than tots
and a trio of dubious sauces?

Fine, I'm off next Tuesday.

Ooh, the infamous night of the taco.

- (CHUCKLES)
- How's your Tuesday looking?

- (GROANS) Better now.
- Oh!

Wah-bam! Tuesday it is.

Where are you gonna take her?

Well, I was thinking maybe...

That won't work.

Start with a cocktail
at The Brown Hotel.

Classic Louisville at its best.

Then dinner at Scarlucci's
followed by a moonlit stroll

along the waterfront,

and then... Oh! What?
What's that? Fireworks.

Perfect for a romantic kiss.

Passers-by applaud, their faith
in love restored thanks to you.

Call me Kat? Call me Cupid.

Why are you getting so worked up?

It's one stupid night.

How are you not getting this?

I want to spend time with you, alone.

I miss you.

Aw.

Well, why didn't you just say that

instead of all that other dumb stuff?

Sometimes I got to talk for a while

before I know what I'm saying.

Well, you're right.

Our time is special and
we never get enough of it.

There's nothing hotter
than when you say I'm right.

(CHUCKLES)

I don't hear anything.

The only thing I hear is your damn nose.

It's whistling like a teapot.

It was the cheese.

Brie makes me mucusy.

Let's get closer.

CARTER: How about this? Is this right?

- RANDI: Well, it's not wrong.
- Oh, dear.

What?

Oh, my.

We should not be watching this.

- CARTER: Yeah!
- And yet here we are.

You could help, you know.

I'm not pointing out all the
things you're doing wrong.

That's kind of helping.

There's a wrong way to put up chairs?

I didn't think there was,
but look at this nightmare.

By the way, um,

Nicole's great.

(SIGHS) Right?

It's like we have this connection

on so many different levels.

I was beginning to think
I would never find that.

Well, it was just a matter of time.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, I completely forgot.

Nicole said she would love to teach you

how to do a cartwheel.

Oh, I taught myself.

I found a YouTube video. Check it out.

- Kat, no.
- No, no, no. I got this. Arms up.

Lunge, kick...

- Oh...
- (GROANING)

Okay. That's... how it's done.

I think I should
probably get out of here.

(LAUGHTER)

Hey, Kat. Thanks again.

For what?

For setting me up with Nicole.

Oh, well...

I just want you to be happy.

You're my person.

You're my person, too.

- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Yeah.

Oh, hey, did you forget something?

I can't believe Randi
and Carter kicked us out.

Well, we were watching them have sex.

No, we were watching
them about to have sex.

He couldn't even get her bra off.

Well, it did not help

that you started shouting instructions.

It was k*lling me.

He was pawing at her like
a bear with a picnic basket.

Oh, hey, what are you two doing here?

We had one hell of a night.

We heard things, we saw things.

So many things.

And I learned how to take a bra off.

Do you know that some
clasp in the front?

Um, that sounds fun. Good night.

You okay, sweetheart?

Yeah. Yeah, of course I'm okay.

I mean, why wouldn't I be okay?

Can't I come in from having drinks

with my best friend without
being asked a million questions?

You're acting weird.

I'm always acting weird, it's my thing.

(SQUAWKS)

Yeah, it's always been her thing.

♪ I've been trying to
make sense of all this ♪

♪ Maybe I was a sl*ve to her kiss ♪

♪ I don't know how I could've missed ♪

♪ The warning signs ♪

♪ She's always trying to track me down ♪

♪ Even when I don't need to be found ♪

♪ Accusing me of running around ♪

♪ So I'm running ♪

♪ We'll never be a match ♪

♪ But there's just one catch ♪

♪ I've got to watch my back ♪

♪ 'Cause I know she's
always watching me ♪

♪ I'm running away ♪

♪ I'm running away ♪

♪ Running away. ♪