01x04 - Don't Call Me Shirley

[bunniefuu]

They say it's always quiet
before the storm.

But here in the suburbs...

...it's just quiet.

What was that?

I swallowed.

Hear that?

I can't eat any quieter.

No. Listen.

Sirens!

Police sirens!

- How great to not hear that all the time?
- You kidding? It sounds like home.

What chirping birds are to the
suburbs, police sirens are to the city.

And for a homesick girl,
this was music to my ears.

A siren could signify almost anything.
Arson, m*rder...

- Dolls!
- Dolls?

Someone stole my entire
Shirley Temple doll collection.

Describe the dolls.

Lollipop Shirley was last seen
wearing a sailor outfit.

Um, Curly Top Shirley was wearing
a red polka dot dress with cap sleeves.

Or was that Bright Eyes?

- I don't know. I'm so flustered.
- Take a deep breath.

- It's natural to be a little shaken up.
- Of course. They're valuable dolls.

Collectibles.
Original Shirleys, mint condish.

The cops are here for dolls?

I've been up since 4 a.m.

This is so exciting.

Probably the most exciting thing
to ever happen around here.

Yeah.

Bet it is.

I'll try to fit her in at 3.

Yes.

I am on my way in right now.

God.

I'm sorry that I am late.
It has been a crazy morning.

Ugh, this break-in is a gift.

Terrible for the Shays, of course.
But great if you're in the dental games.

Are they asking you to look
at the doll's dental records?

This whole town is on edge. Grinding
their teeth, thrusting their tongues.

Based on phone calls, I'm gonna be
molding mouthguards for months.

- Too bad it wasn't a m*rder, huh?
- I wish.

So, what about you, huh?

- You should be cashing in on this too.
- I'm an architect.

Frightened people rarely add
bonus rooms.

Mm, but what about panic rooms?

"Inside Celebrity Panic Rooms."
Seriously?

- You have a subscription to this?
- Yeah.

Check out Bono's safe room.
It doubles as a recording studio.

And Jay-Z's panic shelter, heh,
it has a cognac bar and disco.

People here would go for that?

- Hey.
- Hey.

Oh, my God, George.
Did you hear about the break-in?

I am in a full-blown panic.
My husband's out of town.

Mm-hm.

I haven't felt this vulnerable
since I test-drove a Smart car.

Dallas is in a panic, George.
Do you have any suggestions?

Take a few precautions
to make your house feel safe.

- Okay.
- Mm?

Aah! Oh, I want it.

I need it. I have to have it.

How soon can you start?

Heh, I'm not gonna take commission,
but get me breakfast.

- I'm gonna have the lobster omelet.
- Okay.

Uh, Dallas, are you ordering?

Oh, I don't eat in public.

Lunch was giving me the evil eye.

And so was my
high school nemesis, Dalia.

The girl who personified
what I hate about the suburbs.

Hey.

Students.

Students, I must interrupt lunch
with a message...

...that is both shocking and upsetting.

Something happened this morning...

...that threatens the quality of life
as we know it.

Is this about the dolls?

Can't be about the dolls.

It is about the dolls.

Potentially violent criminals...

...are targeting the homes
of Chatswin High students.

This is what we call
"a teachable moment."

Let's chat about crime.

Lisa, you're a victim...

- ...in so many ways.
- Mm.

How does that feel?

I think that's her way of saying
it feels bad.

Keep eating.

If we don't keep eating...

...they win.

I just wanna say...

...it's pretty obvious
who committed the crime.

- It wasn't me.
- Not you.

This crime spree started...

...when certain people moved here
from New York, New York...

...New, New York.

She's talking about me.

Remember Ray?

From Ray's Pizza?

Ray was a good guy.

Remember how saucy
their Sicilian was?

We're not moving back to New York.

Come on, George.

This place is stupid.

In the city, if someone called the cops
over missing dolls, they'd be arrested.

Shows you how much
less crime there is, though.

How much safer
than our old neighborhood.

Safer? Uh-uh.

This place is all b*tches,
backstabbers and Botox.

Dalia?

Did I accidentally summon you?

Oh, thanks, Tessa...

...for letting us seek refuge.
Ah, thank you.

George, we're here.

When night fell, we just panicked.

And being that there's no panic room
to panic in...

...we came here.

I have to tell you,
we felt like sitting ducks over there...

- ...in that big decorated house of ours.
- Hmm.

But this feels
wonderfully safe, though.

- It feels claustrophobic.
- It's not claustrophobic.

It's snug.

- It feels sticky.
- It does feel a little sticky.

Uh, excuse me.

They wanna be
around familiar faces.

We're not that familiar.
We just moved here.

- It's weird.
- Okay. It is a little weird, but...

Come on, it's just one night.

So like Oprah says,
that Maya Angelou says:

"Troubles are a blessing
that force you to change."

So now you watch Oprah.

I'm up a lot at night.

- Oh, Dalia spit up the tiniest bit.
- Oh.

From her claustrophobia.

Ah.

You feel it?
We're changing, like Maya said.

Right.

Oh, wow, ha, ha.

How did you...?

Do this? Heh.

I just found a box
marked good dishes.

And I used my pashmina
as a table runner...

...snuck over to Sheila Shay's,
cut a dozen roses.

- It was nothing. Five minutes.
- We eat pizza off paper plates.

Yeah, but, I mean,
it wouldn't k*ll us to eat off real plates.

I just thought you could use
a woman's touch.

A woman's touch. That's very nice.

- Right, Tessa?
- Right, Oprah.

Oh, Tessa. Tessa.

Here, you come sit next to Dalia.

I thought you girls
might wanna gossip...

...about school and boys
and birth control.

Okay. Let's eat.

Dear Lord...

...thank you for this pizza
we are about to receive.

And even though all this cheese means,
for sure, Dalia will be gassy tonight...

...and even though one slice
probably exceeds...

...your entire recommended
daily caloric intake...

- The Lord set a daily caloric intake?
- Tessa, shh.

We ask that you ease our digestion
and help us burn this meal off swiftly.

- Amen.
- Amen.

Amen.

Oh, no, missy.
Where do you think you're going?

To answer the door.

Oh, heh, no. No, no, no.
We don't answer the door during dinner.

Mm-mm.
- Unless, of course, they ring twice.

That means it's urgent.

Or a package. Or an urgent package.

I'm sorry.

- Ahh!
- What?

We do not eat
until everyone is present.

Give it.

Give it to me.

Tessa, hi. Just letting everyone know
the Shirleys haven't appeared on eBay...

...or any of the trading sites.

- Okay. Thanks for the update.
- It's me, isn't it?

They stole the dolls
to get back at me.

This was a personal att*ck.

You know, I'm not supposed to answer
the door during dinner.

Oh, hey, Sheila. What's the word
from the cabbage patch?

This is all very funny to you,
but I am not laughing.

Now if you'll excuse me...

...I have a pile of freshly laundered
doll clothes to fold.

That's what my night looks like.

I had been sentenced to life
in the suburbs...

...but I held on to the hope that
I might get out early for good behavior.

So that meant putting up with Dalia
for the night.

Your room is so small.

It's even smaller
than the rest of your house.

Generally, that's how it works.

The rooms inside the house are smaller
than the house.

That's how they fit them in.

My dad's an architect.

Tsk, drug store makeup.

Tragic.

Tragic is loading yourself up
with so much mascara, you can't blink.

I can blink.

Ow.

Sorry, was that in your way?

I wasn't sure if it was gonna be,
but now it's for sure not, heh.

Wow, what do you need
all of this for?

I need all this for all this:

Except this.

I need this for this:

- Corn?
- Pre-corn.

Well, okay.

Well, you're all set.

I'm just gonna grab some...

- What are these?
- Yoga pants.

Where are my things?

Your undies? I moved them
so I could fit my yoga pants.

Dallas, you do not touch a man's undies
unless he tells you you can.

- You didn't say I couldn't.
- There are certain boundaries.

And my undies...

Underwear, are on the other side
of that boundary.

Don't be silly, George.

I'm not being silly.

- Agh, what is that?
- Lavender. It promotes a restful sleep.

- It also stings a little.
- You know what you should do?

- What?
- Get some underwear...

...like the soccer players wear.
Three-quarter brief. Like Beckham.

Because honestly,
these are so unflattering.

Big, old dumpy boxer shorts.

- Nobody wants to see you in these.
- Give me those.

I do not need new underwear
or lavender spritzes.

I enjoy answering the door
during dinner.

Quite frankly, nothing makes me happier
than eating pizza off a paper plate.

Oh, and, Dallas, for the record,
that ain't a pre-corn.

That's a full-blown corn.

- I believe it was Oprah who said...
- You shut up.

George rarely slammed doors.

I took this as a good sign.

Something told me this situation
was going to take care of itself.

You can't sit with us.

No, this is the cool table.

Unreal.

She even sleeps like a bitch.

- Aah!
- Shh.

You scared the crap out of me.

Go upstairs. I'll take care of this.

No, no, no.

We're not doing that.

Give me the bat.

Shh.

We're from New York!
- Aah!

- Dallas?
- Drop your curtain rod, it's just me.

Okay, go... Go...
Go back to bed, sweetheart.

Should I move their car around?

What? No, go. Just go, please.

Dallas, what are you doing
in my laundry room...

- ...eating a ham and cheese?
- This is a croque monsieur.

- At 3:30 in the morning?
- I'm an emotional eater.

And I was feeling guilty.

Ugh, for what? Touching my underwear
or macing me with lavender?

Well, I really put you on the spot...

...when Dalia and I showed up
at your door.

And you had every right
to throw that hissy fit earlier.

- Heh, I don't know if I'd call it a hissy fit.
- It was.

I did lose my cool a little.

It's been a long time since I've shared
my space with anyone, you know?

Well, it's hard doing it alone.

I mean, Steven travels so much,
he's gone more than he's here.

Sometimes I feel like a single parent.

So croque monsieur, huh?

I don't know.
Looks like a ham and cheese.

To the layman.

Ooh-la-la

Dalia and I survived the night.
But the next morning...

...we were anxious to put our sleepover
behind us.

Well, I hate ugly goodbyes,
but, goodbye, ugly.

And voilà. Next weekend,
I'll teach you how to make French toast.

Next weekend?
- Oh, no.

Next weekend is
the Apple Festival, right?

Oh, yeah. I can't wait.

Think the girls are gonna like it?

No, the girls won't like it.

Oh, it's the Apple Festival.

They have a hayride that takes you
to the Chowder Festival.

Oh, really? Wow, I had no idea
there were so many festivals here.

Oh, yes, honey, every weekend.

Our families are gonna have
so much fun together.

George left me with no choice.

I had to plan my escape.

When planning an escape...

...it is important to have someone else
in on the job.

Someone without a moral code.

Hey, Dalia. Wait up.

Take a lap.

Look, you don't wanna
spend time with me.

- I don't wanna spend time with you...
- And I don't wanna spend time with you.

Right.

So I've got a plan.

Are you gonna fake a pregnancy?
Kenzie faked a pregnancy last year...

- ...to get out of Earth Science.
- No, but...

...let's keep that idea
in our back pocket.

She got a lot of cute stuff for the baby.
She faked a girl.

My plan's a little different.

If good behavior
couldn't get me out early...

...maybe bad behavior would.

I talked to a few more neighbors
about the panic room idea.

I appreciate you putting the word out,
but I've been rethinking it.

I wish you would've told me
before I put the word out.

Ha-ha-ha, what happened?
Suddenly you don't like money?

- No.
- I'm taking advantage of people's fears.

Look, dentistry... No, the whole
medical industry... Is based on fear.

Fear is what bought me a summer home
in the Finger Lakes.

These people are our neighbors.
We look out for each other.

Isn't that the reason
people live here?

That and the festivals.

Javier.

See if they have a dozen of these
in the dove gray.

Jeremy.

I love those frames.

- So the dolls are still gone.
- Uh-huh.

My mom's a basket case.

She can't sleep, she paces.
I've never seen her so miserable.

Mm.

- Would you call this a tortoise?
- Yeah, I guess.

Doll thief.

Me?

I accuse you...

...Tessa Altman,
of stealing that weird woman's dolls.

That's not true.

Right, Tessa?

You're accusing me...

...of being the notorious
Chatswin burglar?

Do you hear that, Mr. Wolfe?

Get to class, Jeremy.

What up? What's going down?

Tessa stole the dolls.

I know for a fact she did it.

She bragged about it when I
slept over in her tiny, gross room.

Whoa, the last thing anyone wants
is a girl fight.

There must be some mistake.

There is no way, heh,
my daughter stole dolls.

I understand how comforting
denial can be.

I often endorse it
for our obese students.

But in this case, she confessed.

Wha...? What? What?

It's true.

- I did it.
- You stole Shirley Temple dolls?

- Really?
- Yeah.

I don't know why.

Maybe I'm bored.

Or maybe I've been acting out.

Maybe the suburbs aren't
as good for me as you thought.

She was always an outsider.

I was.

And I tried.

I really did.

But maybe...

I don't know.
This is just me spitballing here, but...

...maybe we should move back
to New York.

Where we belong.

Well, it's something to consider.

Best of luck to you.
You really brightened these hallways.

Oh, and all yearbook preorders
are nonrefundable.

Outside company, nothing I can do.

Had I gotten away
with the perfect crime?

Or was I being played
like a game of words with Friends?

Wonder if I should swing
by the post office.

- Pick up a change of address form.
- You can do that online.

That'll make it easy.

Look at this, perfect crime.

Yeah. There's just one thing
we need to do first.

Ah, words with Friends.

Tiny overalls. Handstitched.

Breaks my heart.

Maybe there's someone out there
who can use them. Another collector.

Someone with a pet monkey.

Maybe a small farmer.

Tessa, isn't there something
you'd like to say to Sheila?

- This doesn't seem like a good time.
- Oh, no, please.

I need to focus on something
other than the Shirleys.

It's about the Shirleys.

I took them.

You took my girls?

Tessa.

Have I done something to you?

Injured you in some way?

No. It's not that.

Because if I have, I am truly sorry.

Because I realize now for you to do
something so wicked to me...

...I must have done
something even more wicked to you.

You did, Mother.

But not to her. To me.

So if you wanna apologize,
I'm listening.

After everything I have done for you?

What...? What have you ever done for me?

Crush my spirit,
take away my dessert...

- ...give my cat up for adoption?
- Mr. Whiskers?

Lisa did the crime...

...but something told me
I was gonna serve the time.

So when did you figure me out?

The moment you were born.

So there's, like, zero chance
we're moving back to New York?

Less than that.

You have every right to punish me.

If I miss out on the Chowder Festival,
it is my own damn fault.

What part of "the moment you
were born" didn't you understand?

All I could think about
was if my room smelled that bad...

...after Dalia ate pizza...

...what was the car ride home from
the Chowder Festival gonna be like?