01x07 - Sweet Sixteen

[bunniefuu]

Here in the suburbs, people do whatever
they can to avoid getting old...

And my dad was no exception.

Gray chest hair.

So that's what it's come to.

Hey, can we get some
sugar cereal, George?

Do you have any idea how long it's been
since I've seen a Leprechaun or a Cap'n?

Tell me the truth. Do I look
old enough to have a 16-year-old?

Oh, here we go.

16.

I can't believe you're
turning 16 this weekend.

My little girl.

That's a little bit more sugar
than I was hoping for.

Come on, Tessa.
Aren't you excited about it?

- Don't you want a party?
- I'm having a party.

Lisa and Malik are
coming over for pizza.

Ugh. Boo!

Come on, this is
your 16th birthday.

- Let's go big.
- Okay, fine.

We'll order the extra large.

Hey, if you're worried
about money, don't be.

Things are picking up for me.

I can afford to spoil my
only daughter a little.

I've got some very good
ideas for your present.

Can one of them be that
you don't pick it out?

♪ Last night I had a
pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ da-da-da-da,
da, da, da, da ♪

When shopping in the suburbs,

there's only one place that has everything
a girl could want for her birthday...

Plus Leprechaun cereal...
And meat.

- That's a lot of bath tissue.
- It's always good to be prepared.

- I cannot believe...
- What?

They put "Average Shelf Life"
in the clearance bin.

That is exactly what is
wrong with this place.

$4.99....You know, I-I gotta say,
I was willing to spend $6.

I already downloaded it, but
now I have the liner notes.

These guys are, like, the
best indie band ever.

They have an oboe.

Really?

Ear hair trimmers?
Are these ours?

Just... you need it.

I don't have hairy ears.

Look who it is.

Hey, guys!

Hey.

Oh, I hate to bump into people
when I'm not wearing any makeup.

Don't look at me.
I'm a wreck.

You have a veiny forehead.

Isn't this place just the best?
I mean...

Where else can you buy
mayonnaise and nail Polish remover?

Any... store.

Yes, but not so very much of it.

Oh!...

What are you campers
shopping for?

Oh, nothing. Just, uh, a present...
for Tessa's 16th birthday.

Tessa's turning Sweet 16.
Oh, my God. That's huge.

Tell me all about your party.
Don't leave out a single detail.

Okay, details.

Uh, let's see... A couple friends
are coming over for pizza and a movie.

And?

And we might
not do the movie.

No.

No!

No, no, no!

Did you hear that, Dalia?

No.

You gotta go big,
make it an event.

That's what I said, but, uh, you know,
she wants to keep it low-key.

It's true.
This is all want.

They are my favorite band.

For serious?

Let me see this.

Oh, my husband's colleague
owns this label.

And a major Taco franchise.
And a white tiger... Or a bengal.

I'm not sure.

But, anyway, it's too bad that
you're not having a big party,

'cause if you were, he could
probably get 'em to play.

Wait.

Average Shelf Life?

You cannot get ASL
to play at my party.

Well, not for two buddies and a pizza,
but if it were a big event...

Who said two buddies a pizza?
No buddies and a pizza.

We're going big.

- Aren't we going big, George?
- Well, you did say...

I said we're going big.
That's what I said.

Two buddies and a pizza...
Pfft.

George?

♪ Here come the mannequins ♪

♪ avert your eyes,
avert your eyes ♪

♪ tall and cruel and terrible ♪

Hmm.

♪ No common ground,
no common ground ♪

Oh, do you hear an oboe?

What exactly are
they singing about?

I don't know.

A, uh, I think a prost*tute
who becomes a...

Scientist or something.
I couldn't follow.

- We're old.
- We're not old.

It's just...
they're not good.

We're old, George.
We are.

I found a gray chest
hair last week.

That doesn't mean anything.
Young people get those all the time.

I looked it up.

How much time do you
think we have left?

Would you stop it?

We're not going anywhere.

We're young.
We're healthy.

I'm tan.

- And you always will be.
- All right.

We're gorgeous, buddy!

We're gonna live forever!

Ow!

Ow!

Aah! Ohh!

Aah, aah. Ohh.

- Is it a bee sting?
- A cut?

Did you touch poison ivy?

- Is it a fever?
- A rash?
- Are you choking?

Can you speak?

Yes.
No.

Don't touch...
Don't touch me, please.

It's my back.

It's okay, George.
I'm here.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Ladies, you can go now.

I've got this under control.

- Oh... - Okay.
- It'll be fine.

I said I've got this, Lucille!

Everything's gonna be okay.

Tessa?

Don't tell me.

You didn't get the
band, did you?

No...

But... I got the band!

You got Average Shelf Life?

Average Shelf Life?

That's the band you wanted?

Yeah.

sh**t...

'Cause...
That's the band I got!

Stop doing that!

Now all you need is a top-notch
party planner to whip it together in time,

and I know
someone who's smart, stylish,

well-connected, and happens to be
standing right in front of you.

Wow.

You'd really help
plan my party, too?

Me? No.

Dalia.

Hey.

Oh.

Pfft.

No.

No, no, no, no, no.

Hey, hey, hey. Let me
tell you something, Tessa.

Ever since Dalia failed her
career aptitude test,

her dad's been leaning on me
to make sure she has one.

A career?

An aptitude...
And I'm pretty sure this is it.

It is.

It's it!

Plus I'd consider this a real solid, which
I don't mind asking you for being as that

I just did you an even realer solid with
the whole band thing and all.

What do you think?

Well, when you put it like that,
how can I say no?

You can't!
Aah!...

Mm-hmm.

I had a few thoughts...

Sort of a jumping-off point of
how I want my party to look.

Wait.
Let me get a pencil.

I couldn't think of a single
worse person to plan my party,

but at least Dalia seemed
willing to listen.

Okay. Ready.

Okay, uh...

When I was living in New York,
my friend Oskar had this...

Rooftop soiree, where they, uh,
grilled yakitori on a hibachi.

Yeah, I don't like
any of those words.

So, listen, here's
what we're gonna do.

First of all, it's gonna
be at the country club.

I'm thinking monochromatic,
two-tone colors with a bunch of
different colors.

I also want to have a pony station,
where you can take pictures with a pony.

Yep, Dalia was listening, all right,
but only to herself.

Now let's talk go-go cages.

I don't want go-go
cages at my party.

I don't know why they
have to be in cages.

When I was a boy, women
danced free-range.

I can't believe I agreed to
let Dalia plan my party.

Trust me, years from now, all you're
gonna remember is the good stuff,

that the band you love played
at your 16th birthday.

I got mono on my 16th birthday,
and the only thing I remember

is kissing the girl
who gave it to me.

- What was her name?
- I don't remember.

Because it was
9 million years ago?

Yes, because it was
9 million years ago.

You're getting meaner in your old age.
Do you know that?

Ah-ha. Aah.

Easy, easy, easy.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Tessa, your father is still in the
Sheila Shay ICU, and I see you...

Are disturbing him.

Here's your pill, George.

Thank you.

I don't know what I would
have done without you, Sheila.

You probably would have d*ed.

I'll get that.

Yeah.

That woman has been amazing.

Promise me she hasn't
given you a sponge bath.

I can't promise you anything.

What are you taking?

Pain pills from
Sheila's hysterectomy.

Did you know they saved
two-thirds of one of her ovaries?

Excuse me.

I'm gonna go watch
a documentary about dolphin murders
so I can forget that image.

Hello, Dallas.

Hi... Sheila.
I brought George some chicken soup.

My housekeeper made it, but
I paid for the ingredients.

Oh, how nice.
I'll definitely see that he gets it.

Actually, I thought I'd give it
to him myself and say hi.

That's sweet that you think he'd like to
see you, but I'm gonna have to say no.

Don't do this, Sheila.

Not again.

I am sure I don't know
what you're talking about.

Oh, please.
You mother until you smother.

I did not k*ll Tom Jesperson!

Oh, no? It was just you there for
three and a half weeks, taking care of him.

He needed help.
He had sciatica!

- You don't die of sciatica!
- Visiting hours are over!

Ugh!

Relax.

Mommy's here.

So at what point in the party were you
thinking of doing the freeze dance?

Yeah, 'cause I just got
the robot down, so...

Sorry, guys...
There's no freeze dance.

I knew it.
Three days wasted.

It never hurts to
practice, right?

Trust your instincts, Lisa.

All right, beeyotch.

Time to go dress
shopping for your party.

And if I decline?

Then you won't see
your band again... Alive.

You mean "live".

See you guys later, apparently.

"It's time to go dress
shopping, beeyotch."

Can they just leave
school like that?

Probably not.
We have, like, four periods left.

Yeah.

Wake up.

Wakey, wakey.

Huh?

You've got a visitor,
sleepy puss.

Hey, buddy.

Look who's sleeping on the job.

He's in a lot of pain.
Poor bunny. He can barely talk.

I can bahk.

Shh, shh.
Buddy, buddy, buddy.

Here.

Scoot over.

Just listen to me, all right?

I need you to help me
move a sofa.

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

But seriously, you know how you are
throwing that Sweet 16 party for Tessa?

She's gonna k*ll me.

I know.

These things can be expensive,
but I was thinking,

because I'm a cosmetic dentist

and this party is gonna be crawling
with insecure teenagers with
all kinds of dental needs,

what if... my practice
sponsored the event?

Help me.

Exactly.

I'll help you,
which will help me.

It's a win-win.

All right, buddy. I'm gonna...
I'm gonna let you heal up, okay?

You take care.

- What?!
- Ohh!

You flinched.
That's on you.

Hey, Sheila. Take care of
my boy, would ya?

No... wait.

I think I found some
dresses to try on.

The one with the buttons is doable,
but, mm, I don't know.

Let me see.

What did you do that for?

They're dirt-colored.

The color of dirt doesn't
look good on people.

They're not dirt-colored.
They're brown.

And it's the color
that I want to wear.

Ooh, bad choice.

I gave you the
"take your picture with a pony" booth,
so give this one to me.

It's my party.

Yeah, your "non-band party that
won't have a band unless you wear
the dress I picked out for you... Party".

So go try on the dress
I picked out for you.

It's in the tiny room.

Brown is one of
your basic colors.

Basic brown.

That's a thing.
God.

She doesn't know what I look good in
or what I like.

See?

You look good.

I did look good,
really good, actually.

But I wasn't about to give Dalia
the satisfaction of knowing I felt that way.

I'm gonna look so pretty
next to that pony.

Wow.

Look at you.

Don't start crying, George.

If you cry, it'll make it seem
much more cold when I leave you.

Wish I could be there.

Me, too, old man...

But as soon as the fun stuff's over,
I'll come visit you at the home.

Okay, but don't come after 7:00.

We're having blended carrots and
watching "Father Dowling Mysteries."

Thanks for doing this, dad.

I promise I'll take pictures.

You'd better.

They grow up so fast.

Ow.

Here you go.

Attaboy.

Now close your eyes
and get some sleep.

Us old-timers need our rest.

George wasn't about to
go down without a fight.

He still had one thing left
to do on his bucket list.

Not this old-timer, Sheila.

Normally, I'm not the kind of girl
who'd be impressed by giant snowflakes,

lasers...

That guy, and the term "sweet 16"
makes my skin crawl, but

it was pretty sweet, and I was 16,
so there you have it.

I owed Dalia a
massive thank-you.

You're welcome.

Hello?

Care for a Tessa-tini?

Oh, uh, what's in a Tessa-tini?

Grape soda, black tea,
and just a splash of beet juice.

It sounds awful, but
it tastes delicious. No.

It'll stain the hell
out of your teeth.

It's a dentist's dream.

Hey, drink up, everybody!

There's more where
that came from.

Have a good time, Tessa.
Tonight is your night...

And mine... and yours!

And mine.

Whoo-hoo!

Hey, Kimantha.

All right!
Whoo-hoo!

Have you seen Lisa and Malik?

No. Have you seen
"The Thin Red Line"?

No.

I just rented it.
It really is emotionally riveting.

Hey, Dalia.

Whoa.

Yeah, whoa.

Exactly. Whoa.

You guys can't be here.

The fire marshal just came and
said we're at full intensity.

So what are you guys saying?

Go home, ladies.

I'm not a la...

Pick your battles, Malik.

Wakey, wakey!

Time to freshen up.

George.

Georgie.

Time to wake up.

Aah!

George?

George!

George Altman!

George Altman, where are you?!

I left as soon as I got
your text. Are you okay?

Drive!

Go! Faster!

I'm going as fast as I can!
It's a residential zone, George.

I got two speeding
tickets here last month.

Hey, hey.

Hey, call me.

I can fix that.
Hmm?

Hey, you have an overbite.
Call me.

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, jackpot!

Look at those chompers.
Are you from Wales? Call me.

Hey, have you..

I don't care if the pony is tired.
That thing is not going back to the farm.

What?

Have you seen Malik and Lisa?

Not since I sent them home.

You sent my friends home?

Yeah, they weren't really part
of my vision for this party.

It's my party!

Then leave and go find
your lame friends. I don't care.

Hello.

We're Average Shelf Life.

And this is for the birthday girl,
Tessa Faltman.

- He said my name...
- Happy Birthday, Tessa!

Practically.

♪ If I had a radio ♪

♪ for every time
you loved me so ♪

♪ I wouldn't have
a radio at all ♪

♪ now I sit and waste my time ♪
- I love you!

♪ My room is quiet as a mime and
wait for someone glamorous to call ♪

♪ Radio ♪

This music sucks.

♪ Radio, radio ♪

Aah! Aah!...

Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you want me to slow down?

No, no, no.

Just get there. I don't want
to miss the party.

It's Sheila.

Don't answer that!
Hey, don't answer that, okay?

She... That woman was trying to k*ll me,
just like she k*lled Tom Jesperson.

Oh, no, no, no.

She didn't k*ll
old man Jesperson.

He was 94 when he bit it.

I just like messing with her.

Ohh.

Dallas, you can't make those kind
of jokes around a man taking
leftover hysterectomy medication. Aah!

Are you sure you don't
want me to slow down?

No, just keep going.

Aah!

♪ Hurricane, hurricane ♪

Tessa!

There's lots of heads,
lots of heads I in this piece.

Ow!

Noah was right.
There were a lot of heads, but

none of those heads
were my friends'... heads.

Could I have felt any worse?

All right.

This next one's about the
dangers of surrounding yourself

with phony people who
aren't your friends.

Apparently, I could.

♪ Here come the mannequins ♪

♪ avert your eyes,
avert your eyes ♪

♪ tall and cruel and terrible ♪
- Tessa, wait.

Don't try and stop me.
I'm going after my friends.

Nobody cares.
Take our picture.

♪ ...And me, they're
an awful sight to see ♪

Smile.

♪ As they orchestrate
the symphony ♪

That's a keeper.

George? What are you
doing here?

Hey! I made it.

Mwah.

I made it to your birthday.
Can you believe it?

Look at this place.
It's amazing.

Whoa!

Oh!

Yeah, it's great.
Let's get out of here.

Wait. Honey, what's wrong?
Don't you like your band?

I like my friends more.

Let's go, George.

See, George?

This is all I wanted...
Pizza, a couple of friends.

Why couldn't you
just listen to me?

I tried. I just... I couldn't hear you
through all the ear hair.

Gift time!

Whoa.

- These are...
- Diamonds!

Thank you?

You're welcome.

They say diamonds are a girl's best friend,
but in my case, it wasn't true.

These nerds were.

I felt close to the
diamonds, also, though.

Are you gonna embarrass me now?

Maybe.

Maybe?

Dad.

Come on.
You're only 16 once.

We still need to have our
father-daughter dance.

Let's go.

Uh... I think that's
just at weddings.

I may not make it
to your wedding.

I was born 9 million years ago.

Look how cute you two are.

♪ Apple of my eye
don't know when,
and I don't know why ♪

♪ You're the only reason ♪

♪ I keep on coming home ♪