02x14 - The Light Housekeeper

[bunniefuu]

That's it, donna.

Now you've cracked the left
side. Now crack the right side.

There you go. Now
you're crackin'. [ Sighs ]

Donna, you have
talented fingers.

You could do a neck-crackin'
concert at carnegie hall.

Why are you so tense this
morning, fred? Didn't you sleep well?

No. I watched the
late, late show,

And I had a nightmare and got
this crick. Why? What was on?

Dracula.

See, bela lugosi was
circling all around my room,

And I kept jerking
my neck out the way.

Ain't-ain't no mark
there, is there?

You really had a nightmare,
didn't you, fred? Yeah.

First thing that scared me, I thought
he might try and nibble on my neck.

And the second thing that
scared me, I thought I might like it.

But I'm sure glad
you came by, honey.

Nothing's too
good for my fiancé.

Of course, that was just
for medicinal purposes.

Listen, can you refill that
prescription on the lips?

Fred, it's only
8:00 in the morning.

Well, the clock of
love has no hands.

You're real
romantic, aren't you?

Yeah. See, my lips are
rated "x." But we over 18.

Oh, good morning,
lamont. Good morning, son.

Sorry for interrupting.
But I didn't think

You'd have company
this early in the morning.

Well, I asked donna to come
by because I had this crick.

In your lips?

You are feeling better now,
fred? Yeah, I'm feeling fine. See?

That's terrific, pop. Now you
can pose for police pictures.

Well, I've got to be going. I, uh,
I've got a patient waiting for me.

Well, thanks a lot, donna. I
sure appreciate you coming by.

And listen, I sure wish you had
more time so you could do my feet.

'Cause you do feet almost
as good as you do necks.

How is she on giblets?

I'll see you tonight,
fred. All right, donna.

And-and listen, donna,
to show my appreciation,

Tonight I'm gonna fix a special dinner
for us with wine and candlelight.

Oh, that sounds lovely.
Bye. Bye, lamont. Bye.

- Ah, crazy 'bout her.
- I sure am glad
that's over with.

The way you two were carrying on,
it was like she was going off to w*r.

No, it's just that
when I'm around donna,

My heart say, "boogity-boogity-boogity.
Boom-boom-boom. Boom-boom."

Well, that's because you
got sludge in your crank case.

Say, where you going? You ain't
had your breakfast. That's right.

Because getting your neck cracked was
more important than fixing my breakfast.

So I'm going down
to the diner. [ Scoffs ]

And now that you got
your neck straightened

Out, why don't you try
straightening this house?

I will. I will. See, I
got new energy.

After that massage, I'm
ready for the big game.

Play ball.

Yeah, I'm ready for the
big game, and it's on now.

The dating game.
[ Tv clicks on ]

[ Knocking ] yeah, lamont?

Yeah, I'm coming. I was
cleaning up the house.

Good morning, sir. May I speak
with the lady of the house?

Uh, I'm the lady of the house. I
guess this beard fooled you.

Can I help you?

Could I interest you in some
shortcuts to housecleaning?

Yeah. You can interest
me in how to cut

Housecleaning out
altogether. Come right in.

Thank you.

My name is carol davis, and I
represent nevins household products.

I have something here that'll keep you
from ever seeing dirt in your house again.

What you got there, blindfolds?

No. Just wait till you see
these great products, mr...

Uh, sanford. Fred sanford.
That's s-a-n-f-o-r-d, period.

Come right in, then.
Well, thank you.

Mr. Sanford, I want you to just look
at the steel bristles on this brush.

It's just the thing for you.

Are you kidding? That would
scrape all the meat off my head.

[ Laughing ] no, no. It isn't for your
head. It's for floors and carpets.

Here's something else that I
think you might be interested in.

Say, if that's cockroach k*ller,
you ain't gonna get 'em up there.

Our cockroaches ain't
airborne, they infantry.

No, no. It's a room freshener.

Disinfects and deodorizes.
Rids your home of noxious odors.

It's called "paris in the spring."
Are you familiar with that aroma?

No, I'm more familiar with
"chicago stockyards in the summer."

Are you from chicago?
No, I'm from st. Louis.

But when the wind was wrong,
you'd think you was in chicago.

Well, st. Louis. I went to high
school there. Vashon high.

You went to vashon? I used to
fool around in the hallways there.

Oh! Did you go to
vashon high too?

No. I just fooled around
in the hallways there.

Well, it's a small world
isn't it, mr. Sanford?

Uh, please, call me fred,
and I'll call you... Carol.

Carol. Sit down,
carol. Well, thank you.

How long have you
been in this kind of work?

Well, just for the past year. I decided
to do it when my husband passed away.

I was lonely, so I moved out here to
live with my sister and I took this job.

Oh, then you're a
doer. See, I like a doer.

See, the trouble with most women is
they doers before they get married.

Then right after the wedding,
they become "diders." [ Laughs ]

Not me. I was always
a doer. I can tell that.

Uh, what's your sign,
carol? I'm aries, the ram.

No kidding? I'm
sagittarius, the hunter.

Oh, I better run
from the hunter.

Yeah, and I'll chase
you back into the woods.

Say, carol, would you
like a cup of coffee?

Oh, that'd be nice. The
kitchen's right over here.

Okay. But let me make the coffee.
You are an aries, aren't you?

You like to do, do, do. And
I like it done, done, done.

Well, you certainly have been
successful, haven't you, fred?

Yeah, I got me a nice
little nest egg saved up.

And when my nest egg hatches,
I'll say just like the airline ads say,

"I'm fred. Fly me to miami."

I know very few men wise
enough to plan ahead like that.

[ Vehicle approaching
] what's that?

That must be lamont. It must be
lunchtime. I didn't know it was so late.

Oh, good heavens. We've been talking
for hours. I really have to be running.

It's amazing how time flies when the
conversation's interesting, isn't it?

Yeah, like sand in the hourglass,
so are the days of our lives.

Fred, that's very poetic.
Did you just make that up?

Oh, no. That's the word
that macdonald carey

Lives by every day
at 12:30, 11:30 central.

Well, I want to thank you,
fred, for all your hospitality.

Well, it's quite
all right, but...

Oh, lamont. This is carol davis,
she sells household products.

Hi. Excuse me, I'm going to fix
myself a sandwich. How do you do?

Nice meeting you. Yes. Well, fred, I
really have to be getting back to work.

I want to thank you
again for your hospitality.

Well, listen. Why don't
you come back tonight

And have dinner, and
we can talk some more?

Are you sure? That'd
be awfully nice.

Well, I'm sure. Uh, sevenish?

Oh, perfect. I usually
stop work about sixish.

Me too. Give us time
to freshen up. Right.

I won't be too fresh.
Oh, fred, you are funny.

Bye-bye. Bye.

♪ She got a fine brown frame ♪

♪ She looks good to me
but all i... ♪♪ I like her.

Hey son, I invited her back here to
have some dinner with us tonight.

Hey, listen here. You know what
sign her? She's an aries. Aries the ram.

And I'm sagittarius.
That makes us compatible.

That's gonna be some
compatible dinner tonight...

With a ram and a
barracuda at the same table.

What? Don't you remember,
pop? You invited donna for dinner.

Gee whiz. What... That was
stupid. I better go tell her.

You better call her back. No, I
ain't talking about calling her back.

I gotta call donna.
What, call donna?

What do you mean you're gonna call
donna? I told ya, I gotta call donna.

I don't understand you, pop. I
thought you and donna were engaged.

We are engaged, but tonight I
have me another engagement.

Besides, this is the
best time to call donna...

Because she's not home and I can leave
a message with her answering service.

I don't believe you, man. A
woman you just met... Shh! Shh!

Hello? Uh, I'd like to leave a
message for miss donna harris.

Yeah. Sorry, can't make dinner
tonight. Please forgive me.

Uh, what? Oh, fred sanford.

That's s-a-n-f-o-r-d, period.

Thank you. Bye. Whew.

Let me warn you about
something, casanova.

Now at your age, you can't afford
to burn the candle at both ends.

At my age, I look forward to
burning the candle at both ends,

In the middle, round
the side and up the back.

Just so long as
the candle burns.

All right. Don't say
I didn't warn you.

Listen, lamont. I'm not married. I
still got to sow some wild oats.

Pop, at your age, you ain't got no
wild oats. You got shredded wheat.

Okay, so I got shredded
wheat. But I still

Got a whole lot of snap,
crackle and pop left.

♪ She's gotta fine brown
frame ♪ [ claps hands ]

♪ And I wonder what
could be her name ♪

♪ She look good to
me but all I can see ♪

♪ Is that fine, brown frame ♪♪

[ Phone ringing ]

Hello. Oh, hello, donna.

No, he can't come to the phone
right now. He's upstairs freshening up.

He's taking a bath. No,
there's nothing wrong.

No. I don't know why he can't make
it. Would you hold on a second?

Hey po...

Hello, donna? That message
that was left on your service?

Well, it was wrong.

It wasn't that pop couldn't
make it for dinner tonight.

It was that he couldn't make
dinner tonight. You know, fix it. Right.

Well, see, what he was wondering is that
if you would cook dinner and bring it here?

Well, I'm sure that anything
you cook would be just fine.

Why don't you surprise him?

Right. See you then. Bye.

♪ She's got a fine brown frame ♪

♪♪ [ Indistinct ]

♪ St. Louis woman give
her a diamond ring ♪

♪ Pulls that man around
by her apron string ♪

What do you say, son? Pop.

I wish I could take a picture
of that table. It's beautiful.

Yeah, that looks
great. Uh, say, pop?

I was wondering, is it all right if I
stay and have dinner with you tonight?

What? You know two is company.

I know. But this is my home too,
and a man's home is his castle.

Well, I'm the king of
the castle and I don't

Want no prince dummy
hanging around here tonight.

Look, I'm not going to get in your
way. What difference will it make?

Look, lamont, did I ever mess up
your chance when you had a date?

This is an equal
opportunity family, so bye.

Well, I'm not leaving.

Come on now, lamont. Listen, I
went through a lot of expense...

To make this a romantic evening.

I even got some pink champagne chilling in
the refrigerator. You bought champagne?

Well, not really. It's
really ginger ale and ripple.

See, I call it "champipple."

Look, all I'll do is eat
and then I'll leave. Okay?

[ Knocking ] listen.
That's carol now.

Now listen. You can have one
glass of wine, and then you got to go.

One glass.

"Paris in the spring."
♪ C'est si bon ♪

♪ People say that in france ♪♪

Good evening, fred.

Say, what the hell
is she doing here?

What did you...

Uh, donna? Didn't
you get my message?

Yes, I did. Then I talked to lamont
and he cleared everything up.

Oh, fred, I was only
too happy to cook.

Now you get out of
here so I can fix dinner.

Yeah. You fix
dinner. I'll fix lamont.

Say, listen. You tell donna to
come here and fix dinner tonight?

Who, me? Don't give me
the "who me" innocent stuff.

What'd you tell her?
All I said was that...

Fred, there's a whole
dinner in the oven.

It is?

Why, yes. Why is that?

Why is that? Well,
see, it's because...

See, lamont loves frozen dinners,
so I was going to freeze them.

That's right. But, of course, it doesn't
compare to your cooking, miss harris.

Ah, why thank you,
lamont. You're welcome.

Why, would you like
to stay for dinner?

Oh, may i?

Of course. Why, I'll
just set another place.

Thank you very much.

Listen, you know carol's
coming here. What am I gonna do?

It's all your fault. Who, me?

Don't give me that "who, me."
Listen, I could get k*lled in here.

And then it'd be
"nobody and son."

[ Knocking ]

Listen, that's carol now. Listen,
you keep donna in the kitchen.

Don't let her come out of the
kitchen. I'll take care of carol.

Don't let her come
out the kitchen. Oh!

Here I am.

Listen, carol. You don't mind
going out to dinner, do you?

Well, no. But I thought
you were going to cook?

Yeah, I did. But, you know,
you're new here in town,

And I thought I'd show you
some of california. All right, fred.

But don't you need a
jacket? Well, see, I was

Going to take you to
a chinese restaurant...

And they don't care what
you got on in one of them.

Hey, pop, dinner's ready.

Come on, carol. Your
son says dinner's ready.

It's ready for him, but
not for us. Let's go.

Wait, fred. We better
not disappoint your son.

We better go in. We can go
out on the town another time.

Wait a minute. Listen,
let's go... Come on, fred.

Oh, what a lovely table.

Good evening, miss davis.

Good evening, lamont.

Donna harris, this is carol davis.
She sells household products.

Working this late?

No, no. I met-i met carol this
morning. She's from st. Louis.

And-and I wanted to
show her some california

Hospitality, so I
invited her to dinner.

Oh, well, why didn't you
tell me this before, fred?

Well, lamont should have told you
when he talked to you on the phone.

That's right, donna. Miss
davis is having dinner with us.

Well, all right, uh...

I, uh... I'll set another place.

But I don't think there'll
be enough for seconds.

Is she your maid?

No. She's a friend
of the family.

If there isn't enough, I
could come back another...

Oh, no! There's plenty.

Listen, I'm not gonna eat
much. I just want to watch.

Well, let's sit down everybody.

Yeah. Let's sit down everybody, so we
can start eating and do less talking.

Yeah, we'll sit right down here.

Ladies, why don't you
sit next to each other?

No, no, no. Ladies... Uh, donna, you
take my favorite seat right here.

Then I'll sit right here
between the two of you...

And that'll make it nice
and comfy. Thank you.

Did you and fred know each other
back in st. Louis... Before we start,

Let us say grace.

But, pop, we never
pray before we eat.

Uh, like my mother always
said, "it don't hurt none."

Dear lord...

Dear lord, we're thankful for
what we're about to receive...

And protect us eaters,
oh lord, from bodily harm.

Amen.

Fred, that was very nice. I didn't
know you were a religious man.

Uh, ooh. I was... I was
born and raised a baptist.

And he'll die a baptist.

Did you and fred know
each other back in st. Louis?

[ Carol ] well, you see... Uh, listen. I
had an uncle who was a catholic.

I don't know if I told
you. He had water on

His knee, that's why
he had to give it up.

Did you and fred know
each other back in st. Louis?

No. We just met this morning. But it
seems like we're old friends. Right, fred?

Donna, why don't you put some
food in your mouth, and then...

I mean, you know,
while it's still hot?

How do you like living in l.a.?
It's been kind of lonely for me.

I didn't really meet any
interesting people until I met fred.

It's going to be really
nice to have a friend.

Yeah. Ain't nothing like
having a good friend.

- You know who
my best friend is?
- Bubba?

No, jesus.

This food is delicious,
donna. Isn't it, miss davis?

Oh, carol. Call me
carol. Yes, it's very good.

Do you work as a cook?

No. I, uh, I happen to
be a practical nurse.

Yeah. Donna, she's a
real angel of mercy.

Then you know fred in a professional
capacity? [ Chuckles ] a little.

But I happen to be his fiancé.

Fiancé? You're engaged?

Yes, didn't he tell
you? No, he didn't.

How come you
didn't tell her, fred?

Well, you can't...
You can't just...

You can't just come right out and
tell somebody everything the first time.

I was here for
almost three hours.

Three hours? You were
here for three hours?

Yes, didn't he tell
you? No, he didn't.

How come you didn't
tell her? Why don't you

Tell me what you were
doing for three hours?

- I was providing him with
a little female companionship.
- Isn't that nice!

Although I'm surprised
that at this stage in

His life fred still
needs a mother figure.

Mother figure!

I don't have to sit here and listen
to this shrewish woman's insults.

No. Donna's not shrewish.
She's baptist like I am.

Fred, are you going to just sit there
and let this woman call your fiancé names?

Ask her to leave. Now wait
a minute, ladies. Calm down.

Please, calm down. Ain't there
enough trouble in the world...

With vietnam and
cambodia and jersey city?

Fred, I am your fiancé,
and I want to know...

What this woman was
doing here for three hours.

I just told you. I
want him to tell me.

What was she doing
here? Let me tell you...

See, for three hours... She
was trying to... [ Stammering ]

She was just showing me...
She was showing me her line.

[ Huffing ] i-i can
see you fell for it.

Oh, I'm getting out of here.

He is all yours, miss davis.
No, donna. Wait a minute.

Oh, no. I'm getting out
of here too. Carol...

You're not passing off this
no-good two-timer on me.

Hey...

I guess they didn't
hit it off, huh?

Yeah, and it's all your
fault. You dummy, you.

Donna! Donna!
Carol! [ Engine starting ]

[ Car door slamming, engine
starting ] donna! Carol! Donna!

Lamont?

Lamont?

Son?

Lamont? Come get
your dessert, son.

Lamont! Come on down, son.

I got your pudding.

Yeah. I'm gonna be putting
this upside your head. Come on!

Yeah. And when she found
out I was from st. Louis,

She just invited herself over.

You don't think that I'd let some
stranger come between us, do you, donna?

No, really, donna. Listen. I
should have told her right away.

I should've just put my foot
down, told her she couldn't come.

Yeah. But you know, some people take
advantage of you when you're mr. Nice.

Yeah. But I've learned
my lesson, honey.

I swear. I've learned my
lesson. See, when a man got you...

A woman like you... He don't
need to look at another woman.

I swear. Thank you, honey. I
sure appreciate you forgiving me.

What's that? Well, yeah.
How about tomorrow night?

Chinatown? Okay,
honey. [ Loud kiss ] bye.

Well, I hope you'll stop
fooling around after this.

I still don't know why
donna's gonna take you back.

Because donna knows
she can depend on me.

- Now who you calling?
- Shh!

Hello, carol? No, no.
Wait a minute, honey.

Don't hang up. This
is fred. Don't hang up.

I just want to
apologize for last night.

Yeah, I've learned
my lesson, honey.

Oh, when can we get
together so I can explain?

Uh, what about tonight? Yeah.

I got a whole magnum
of "champipple." Yeah.

[ Indistinct ]

[ Man ] sanford and son is recorded
on tape before a live, studio audience.