Herman, has Eddie come
home from school yet?
Uh, I don't know, Lily.
I just got home myself.
I had to stay a little late at the parlor
and lay out some things for the boss.
Well, I'm about to fix supper, and
I want to ask him about dessert.
So, let me know
when Eddie comes in.
- Hmm?
- I said, will you let me know
when Eddie comes home?
Oh. Yes, dear.
[Door Opens]
I'll never go again!
Never, never, never!
You can do anything you
want to me! I'll never go back!
Not in my whole life!
I don't care what you do to
me. I won't go back even if I die.
Never, never, never, never!
I'm through with
school. Never again!
I wouldn't go back if I d*ed a
hundred-million thousand times!
[Door Closes]
Lily.
Oh, Lily. Yes, dear?
I think Eddie's
home from school.
But, Herman, if Eddie
said all those things about
being through with school,
there must be a reason.
Didn't you even ask him? Well,
maybe they just sent him home.
Kids are always playing pranks.
I remember when
I went to school.
Some of the kids used to put
the girls' pigtails in the inkwells.
Of course, I put the
girls in the inkwells.
Grandpa, please.
Did you ask him why he was
so definite about quitting school?
Well, no.
With Little Orphan Annie in such a mess,
I guess I just didn't get around to it.
Well, it's hard to concentrate
on two things at once, you know.
Oh, Herman, you
make me so angry.
Now, I want you to
go upstairs right now...
and have a father-and-son
talk with Eddie.
All right, dear.
All right.
But wouldn't it be better
if Eddie came down here,
so I could sort of lean on the
mantel while we talk man-to-man?
- Why in the world would you
want to do that?
- Oh, I don't know.
I just always thought Robert Young
had great success leaning on the mantel.
[Chuckles]
Oh. Oh.
Herman, will you get upstairs!
Yes, dear.
Eddie. Uh...
Hello in there. Uh, it's me.
Um, your father.
Herman Munster.
[Footsteps Approaching]
Uh... Uh, may I come in?
Sure, Pop.
[Clears Throat] Uh, Eddie,
I came up here to
have a little talk with you.
Uh, man-to-man.
Mom made ya, huh?
No, I wouldn't say
your mother made me.
Uh, naturally, I'm
curious to know why you
said all those things
about quitting school.
Well, then, how come you didn't
say anything when I came home?
All you did was sit there
and read your old newspaper.
Eddie, your father's
a very busy man,
and you must realize
that when I come home,
I have lots of business
problems on my mind.
The solution to
which often depends...
on a thorough and concentrated
perusal of world events in the newspaper.
Boy, that Little Orphan
Annie must be in a real jam.
Oh, she is. But, you know, I
think Daddy Warbucks is... Eddie.
That is not the point.
The point is I came up here to find out
why you've suddenly turned against school.
It's just that I can't go back there ever
again on account of what happened today.
Eddie, whatever the problem
is, you can tell old Dad.
Well, today at recess the kids
made up a nickname for me.
- And they called me by it.
- They called you a nickname?
Hmm. What in the world could
anyone think of to call you?
Oh, it was awful, Dad. Wherever I went,
some kid popped up and called me... Oh.
- Called you what?
- I can't say it.
It's too awful to repeat...
Even to my own father.
Eddie, as your father,
I demand to be told.
- What's the nickname?
- It's... It's Shorty.
Shorty? Yeah.
And they made it up
for no good reason,
except I'm the shortest
boy in my class.
I see. Eddie,
do you know what a
very wise man once said?
What? He said,
"Sticks and stones can break my
bones, but names can never hurt me."
That's because nobody
ever called him Shorty.
Why do I have to be short? Why can't
I be big and tall like my hero? Eddie,
I don't know who this hero is
that you’re talking about, but, uh,
take it from me, he's probably
not worth looking up to at all.
[Chuckles] Lots of
so-called heroes...
are just conceited, vain,
good-for-nothings... as a rule.
But, Dad,
the hero I'm
talking about is you.
Oh.
Well, Eddie, there are exceptions
to every rule, aren't there?
[Chortles]
[Lily] Please, darling, eat.
I'm eating. I'm eating.
- I'm talking to Eddie.
- Oh.
- Herman.
- Yes, dear?
I know you've had
a talk with Eddie,
but I don't think we should allow our
child to be tormented in school any longer.
I feel that we should complain
to the teacher, the principal...
and, if necessary, to
the Board of Education.
Why go through
all this red tape...
when I can solve this problem with
a plain, old-fashioned spelling bee?
What's a "plain,
old-fashioned" spelling bee?
Well, you see,
I invite all the little boys and girls
who call Eddie "Shorty" to a free party,
and then, when they
get here, I cast a spell
over them and turn
them into kangaroos.
Gee, that sounds great,
Grandpa! Will you do it?
No. Grandpa will
do no such thing.
That's right, Grandpa.
I'm sure if there's one thing
Eddie doesn't need it's
your broken-down magic.
Ha! Gee, Dad,
how am I gonna face the
other kids in school tomorrow?
They're still gonna
call me Shorty.
Eddie, I'm sure it's strictly
a psychological problem.
And I'm sure that you can overcome it
with the proper psychological attitude.
In other words, plant both
feet firmly on the ground...
and keep your chin up.
I'll try, Pop.
[Grandpa] It's okay to have your feet
firmly planted on the ground, Eddie,
but if you keep your chin up that
high, you're a sucker for a left hook.
Oh, sorry, Grandpa.
Shh. Not so loud.
I don't want your father to hear that
I'm teaching you about boxing. Ooh.
That man is so opposed to
v*olence, if he found out, he'd k*ll me.
Okay. How's this,
Grandpa? That's pretty good.
Now, keep your hands up high
and your weight evenly balanced.
Now should I try to hit you?
Oh, not yet. I have to work
out a plan of strategy for you.
Now, we'll pretend that
I'm one of your classmates...
and we're standing in a
school yard waiting to fight...
because I called you Shorty.
And just as we're ready
to go, you point behind
me and say, "Hold it.
A teacher is coming."
See? And then as I turn to look...
[Whistles] left and right in the stomach.
Got that? Okay.
Now, let's get set.
Hold it. A teacher's
comin'. Where?
[Groans]
Hey, that works great, Grandpa.
- You're telling me.
- But isn't that fighting dirty?
Only if you use
it against girls.
Try it again, okay? Now get set.
Hold it. My father's comin'.
Not "my father." "A
teacher is coming."
Want to bet?
Oh. Hiya, Herman. What's new?
Grandpa, I want you and Eddie to
take off those boxing gloves right now.
Oh. [Chuckles] Are
these boxing gloves?
Yes, they are. Eddie, you know
we're wearing boxing gloves?
I... I wonder where they
came from. Yeah. Me too.
Grandpa, get 'em off.
I am really disappointed in you.
Imagine. A grandfather training
his own grandson in brutality.
But we didn't even get to brutality.
I was just starting... Grandpa,
I said no v*olence,
and I mean no v*olence.
Hmm.
You know, Eddie, I love him,
but there are times I'd like
to bite him right in the throat.
Good night, Grandpa.
You're going to bed?
I have to get plenty of rest
so I'll have enough energy
to cry all day tomorrow
when the kids call me Shorty.
Wait a minute. Wait
a minute. Come back.
[Chuckles] You won't
have to cry all day tomorrow.
As a matter of fact,
you'll never have to
cry again because
somebody calls you Shorty.
Why not? Why not? [Laughs]
Because your adoring grandpa
is gonna give you a magic
potion that will make you
grow six inches overnight.
Six inches? Maybe seven.
Did you ever use it before?
Did I ever try it before?
I once gave it to a
pirate friend of mine
who was only five feet tall.
- Did it work?
- "Did it work"? Didn't you ever
hear of Long John Silver?
It's what is known in the
trade as a magic milk shake.
Six inches? Overnight?
Yeah. Six inches.
And when you wake up tomorrow
morning, you look in the mirror,
you'll see the tallest
boy in the class.
Bottoms up.
Good, good. Now,
nighty-night and sleep tight.
[Herman] Lily, today is a school
day. The child belongs in school.
[Lily] With a beard?
Oh, Uncle Herman, you can't
expect Eddie to go to school...
when he looks so different
from all the other kids.
Eddie... Herman,
Herman. Speak gently.
He's in a state of shock.
Eddie, uh, come upstairs.
I'll give you a quick shave.
It won't help.
That's funny. I
thought I heard a noise.
It was me. I said it won't help.
I heard it again.
I think it's coming
from that chair.
Hmm.
I can't understand it.
Nobody's sitting here.
Oh, come on, Herman. Knock it off.
Will you stop with the silent treatment?
Why won't a shave help?
Well, at the rate
Eddie grows whiskers,
he'll have five-o'clock
shadow by : a.m.
And whose fault is that? He spoke
to me! He spoke to me! He did!
[Laughs] My daughter's
husband spoke to me. See?
I want you two to stop fighting.
Now... Now you make
up and bury the shovel.
I said I was sorry, didn't I?
Oh, Grandpa, sometimes
saying "I'm sorry" just isn't enough.
Amen.
Some magic milk shake.
Well, how was I to know
I had inferior ingredients?
Now he's blaming
it on the ingredients.
That's right. It must
have been the he-frog.
The what? The he-frog, as
distinguished from the she-frog.
You see, the recipe called for
the powdered shinbone of a he-frog.
Only they just don't make
'em the way they used to.
I should have saved that
one from the th century.
Boy, those he-frogs from the
th century, they were terrific.
I remember once I
said to Queen Isabella...
- Eddie, don't scratch it.
- But it itches.
I think there's a hunk of
bacon in there from breakfast.
I don't care. Don't scratch it.
Mommy will run the vacuum
cleaner through it later.
Herman, Eddie should
see a doctor immediately.
Uh, I agree.
Why don't you take him down to
see our family doctor... Dr. Dudley.
No. No. I think you
should take him.
After all, you are the boy's father,
and it's a very serious problem.
I still wish you'd take him.
Why?
Because if I walk down
the street with a boy wearing
a beard, everybody's gonna
stare at me. That's why.
Oh, nonsense.
The least you could do
would be to phone the parlor,
ask for the morning off to
take your son to the doctor.
[Chuckles] That's true, Herman.
And I have a clever idea
how to disguise Eddie...
so you won't be embarrassed
when you walk down the street.
Oh, Grandpa, don't try any
more of your magic on him.
No, Grandpa. Don't you
try turning him into anything.
I have no intention of hopping
across town with a bearded kangaroo.
Don't you worry, Herman.
Eddie, come with me.
Eddie, you know
who you look like?
Who? Mitch Miller.
[Wails] I'm sorry,
Eddie. I'm sorry.
I was only kidding.
Come on. I'm sorry.
Oh. All right, Miss
Fairchild, next patient.
Are you emotionally prepared?
E-Emotionally prepared for what?
Mr. Herman Munster.
Oh, no.
I'll never forget the last
house call I made there.
I was writing out an
order for an autopsy...
when Mr. Munster double-crossed
me and sat up in bed.
Well, today we have
Mr. Herman Munster and son.
And son?
Mr. Munster had the
guts to become a father?
Apparently.
Do they, uh, look alike?
No. The little boy
is much shorter.
That's not what I meant.
Do they look alike in...
Well, for lack of a
better word, the face?
Why don't you peek in the
waiting room and see for yourself?
All righty. I will.
Oh, no.
Mr. Munster's
face is bad enough.
Imagine what his son's must look like
if he has to cover it with a paper bag.
Shall I show them in now?
Yes, but you better have Miss
Hansen stand by with an anesthetic.
For the patient? No. For me.
Oh, uh... Uh, good
day, Dr. Dudley.
Good day, Mr. Munster.
And what, uh... [Chuckles]
I mean, uh, who have we here?
Uh, this is my son, Dr. Dudley.
[Chuckles] And, uh, what's
your name, little man?
[Muffled] Edward
Wolfgang Munster.
[Chuckles] Pardon
me, I didn't quite get it.
Uh, Edward Wolfgang Munster.
Oh. Uh, will you, uh,
please both be seated?
Oh, thank you.
[Sighs] Okay, Eddie.
We're gonna let the
doctor see your face.
How old is little Eddie
Wolfgang again, Mr. Munster?
He's . Ten.
Excuse me just a minute.
All righty. Shall we
have a go at it again?
Oh, my goodness.
Has he had it since birth?
Uh, the head? Oh. Oh,
yes. That's the original.
The beard.
Oh. Uh, only since this morning.
His grandfather gave him a
frog-leg cocktail yesterday...
to make him grow,
but it just grew a beard.
Excuse me just a minute.
You want a snap diagnosis?
Will a snap cure
go with it? Yes.
- sh**t.
- Edward Wolfgang's beard...
is the result of a certain
metabolic imbalance,
induced by what appear to be...
metaphysical or
esoteric stimuli...
unknown to present-day medicine.
I see. And the cure?
Lay in a big supply...
of paper bags.
Eddie, don't get your
beard in your soup.
- Uncle Herman.
- What?
- Didn't Dr. Dudley
say anything constructive?
- No.
When I rejected
the paper bag theory,
he suggested that Eddie get
used to a new nickname... Fuzzy.
That's even worse than Shorty.
We all know who we
have to thank for that.
For your information, Herman,
I'm gonna make it up to him.
- How?
- I'm gonna make him my partner.
- A partner in what?
- Well, you remember that potion
that Eddie drank?
How could we forget it?
I'm gonna mass-produce it...
and sell it at three dollars a
bottle as a sure cure for baldness.
Eddie, Eddie, sit up straight.
I'll make a fortune, and
I'll split with him - .
What's the matter with - ?
You want me to split
- with a -year-old kid?
Grandpa, I don't want
you to do anything. Just...
Eddie, be careful.
Look!
- What happened?
- Well, the soup's disintegrated
Eddie's beard.
She's right. Dunk it again.
No. No. Don't move.
Look! The... The beard's gone.
[Sighs] Thank goodness.
I wouldn't want to go through life with
a son who looked like General Grant.
There goes my surefire
cure for baldness.
- Is it really gone?
- Look in the mirror and see.
Yippee! [Laughs]
Well, I don't know how this reflects on
my cooking, but... my child comes first.
[Herman] Uh... Uh, Lily, Eddie.
Please, sit down.
- Eddie.
- Yes, sir.
Now that your problem is solved,
have you learned a lesson?
- I think so.
- What?
I'll never tell Mom I don't like
her homemade soup again.
- That's not what I had in mind.
- It isn't?
The lesson I want you to learn is
it doesn't matter what you look like.
You can be tall or short...
or fat or thin or ugly...
or handsome, like your father,
or you can be black
or yellow or white...
It doesn't matter.
What does matter is
the size of your heart...
and the strength
of your character.
Eddie, do you understand
what your father means?
- Mmm.
- Well, now, Eddie,
now that you've solved one of
the little problems of growing up,
let's get on with our meal.
Herman, you know something?
What, Grandpa? You're all right.
You aren't perfect,
but you're all right.
Thank you.
Hello, Lily, dear.
Hello, Herman, dear.
Herman, you've gotta talk to
Eddie. Yes, he's up in his room crying.
What happened today?
Well, he was playing baseball with
some other boys in the neighborhood,
and he struck out with two
out and the bases loaded.
Poor kid. He must feel awful.
Um, I'll go upstairs
and talk to him.
Herman, Lily, I've got an idea
that can solve this whole problem.
What? What? If I could
get ahold of a bat...
A baseball bat once used
by Stan "The Man" Musial...
I could take it down
into the lab, crush it into
a fine powder, so he
would be able to digest it.
I remember once saying to...