Thanks for the lift, Charlie. Pick me
up around : tomorrow morning.
Lily, pussycat is home.
Good evening, dear.
Good evening, dear.
I see the carpool
dropped you off again.
Yes, and it was quite
restful riding in the back.
Oh! Mail, dear?
No, but it's something
I'm very upset about.
I was putting up some new
cobwebs in Marilyn's room,
and I, um, accidentally found
this hidden in her bureau drawer.
Oh, a love letter. [Laughs]
Let's read it. Herman,
it's not a love letter.
It's an announcement of a
parents' night at Marilyn's school.
It's next Saturday night and
she hasn't even asked us yet.
I have a feeling she
doesn't want us to be
seen at her school for
some strange reason.
And I think we ought to get
to the bottom of this at supper.
Well, it may not
be that serious, Lily.
I-It may just have
slipped her mind.
Things are always
popping out of my head.
Yes, but with you, we can
always put them back in.
Now remember, Herman,
we have to find out why Marilyn
hasn't mentioned parents' night at school.
But we have to be
very subtle about it.
Be very subtle. I see.
How do we do that?
Well, we lead
up to it gradually.
First I'll bring up the
subject of cars. Cars.
That'll lead to
driving. Driving.
And then I'll bring up
the subject of driving
to school. Driving
to school. Of course.
And that'll lead up to...
[Together] Parents' night.
Gotcha. [Door Opens]
Oh, my! Everything
looks so delicious, Lily.
Oh, thank you, Grandpa.
[Clears Throat]
Uh, Marilyn, how do you
feel about the new cars?
New cars? Well, I think that...
And how come you didn't ask
us to parents' night at school?
Parents’ night? Well, where
did you hear about that?
Well... Well, dear, I
was dusting your room,
and I just happened to
come across the invitation.
It's, uh, next
Saturday night, isn't it?
Yes, Marilyn. Don't
try to hide anything.
You know, in this family
nothing ever stays buried.
The reason I didn't
mention it was because...
Well, because of
you, Uncle Herman.
Me? Well, why wouldn't you want
me, of all people, to go to parents' night?
Well, I just didn't
think you'd care for it.
It's going to be sort
of a dinner dance.
Oh. [Chuckles] Dancing.
Why didn't you say so? Dancing has
never been one of my strong points.
I guess you could
say I have two left feet.
Well, that's what happens when
they put someone together in the dark.
Herman,
I think we should go.
I mean, at your age, it's
high time you took up dancing.
Lily, you know I hate dancing.
I've always hated to dance.
I'm not going through
with it. I am not going down
there at the risk of
making a fool out of myself.
I am not going dancing!
And one, two, three.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
One, two, three. One...
Herman. Herman,
relax. You're so stiff.
Yeah, Herman, let everything go.
Well, I'll-I'll try,
but the last time I let everything
go, some of it didn't come back.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
One, two, three. One, two...
One, two, three.
One, two, three. One, two...
One, two, three.
I think I'm getting the
knack of it. [Laughs]
Timber!
Herman... [Harp Thrums]
You know something, Lily,
I just got a new respect
for Lawrence Welk.
Marilyn, Eddie! What happened?
Come and help your Uncle Herman.
Careful.
[Exhales]
Listen, Lily. They're
playing our song.
Ah!
If that Herman wants to dance, I'll mix
him something that'll make him dance.
Ho, ho! Now, let me
see. Ah, yes, now I know.
A little potassium.
♪♪ [Humming]
A pinch of chlorophyll.
Two fingers of Geritol.
A dash of bitters.
And now for the
secret ingredient!
A pair of Fred
Astaire's dancing shoes.
[Shoes Tapping, Shuffling]
Go, Fred, go.
Grandpa?
Grandpa, are you making lasagna
again? You're smelling up the whole house.
No, as a matter of fact, I'm whipping
up a batch of my secret dancing potion.
This will make you
a wonderful dancer.
No, sir. I'm not drinking
anything you mix up.
Okay. Go to the
parents' night dance.
Disgrace poor Marilyn.
Make a fool of yourself.
I'm not gonna disgrace
anybody. Listen to this.
I found an ad in the newspaper,
and they're gonna make me...
an accomplished ballroom
dancer in three easy lessons.
Listen: "Happyland Ballroom.
"Fox-trot, tango, samba,
watusi. All the latest steps.
"Gain poise,
popularity. Make friends.
Free trial lesson.
Private and group rates."
Herman, listen to me.
There are plenty of
good dancing schools,
but you gotta watch
out for the shysters.
Shysters?
Uh, but look what it says...
"Let us bring out the inner
you at our low monthly rates."
And it's signed, "Happy
Havemeyer, Doctor of Terpsichore."
Okay. If that's
what you want to do.
That's exactly what I
want to do. I'm going to go
down there and sign up
first thing in the morning.
Hm.
Hm!
All right, fine. Yes,
that'll be okay. Bye-bye.
Miss Valentine, if you would.
Miss Valentine,
since you're a new
instructor here at Happyland,
I'd like to acquaint
you with our policy.
Most of our clients
are older people,
misfits, widowers, people
searching for friendship.
Some are rather bewildered, and
they come to us looking for guidance.
We have a definite
approach to these folks.
- What's that, Doctor?
- We take 'em for all they've got.
Uncle Herman
left early, didn't he?
Yes, the sweet thing went
downtown to take dancing lessons.
He's so anxious to make a good
impression at the parents' night dance.
I'm surprised that he never learned
to dance when he was younger.
Well, when other young men
were going to parties and dances,
I'm afraid he was always
tied up in the laboratory.
You know, they have women
teachers down at those dancing schools.
I just hope one of
them doesn't fall in
love with your Uncle
Herman's gentle charms.
[Screams] Doctor
Havemeyer! Doctor Havemeyer!
Calm down, Miss
Valentine. What happened?
Well, I-I know you said there'd be a
lot of weirdos and misfits around here,
but you should've seen what just walked
in and wanted to take dancing lessons.
You gotta see him! Now, now.
There's no need for me to see him.
Didn't I tell you to
expect all kinds?
Now, you get back in
there, turn on the charm.
Flatter him. Tell him
how great a dancer he is.
And then when you got him hooked,
get him to sign our -year contract.
[Chuckles] Well, I'll try.
It's times like this I wish I'd
stayed with the Roller Derby.
Oh, there you are, miss.
Was there some emergency? You left here
so fast, I thought the place was on fire.
[Laughs] No such luck.
Well, shall we start? Alrighty.
♪♪ [Jazz]
Uh, excuse me.
Yeah, that's better. Now, the first thing
you have to do is put your arm around me.
Oh, uh...
I saw Robert
Montgomery do that once.
Ready? Ready.
And... one...
And... one and two
and one and two.
And three and four.
Now one and two
and three and four...
and one and two
and three and four.
Tell me, Mr. Munster, have
you ever danced professionally?
Professionally? Heavens no!
I would have never known.
Really?
[Laughs]
[Herman] Yoo-hoo,
Lily. I'm home.
Oh, welcome home, dear.
Well, how did my sweetheart
make out at dancing class?
How did I make out? I
made out just beautifully, Lily.
Miss Valentine said after just one
lesson, I was a natural born dancer.
She's never seen such a
talent. Oh, that's wonderful!
I just know that when I
dance with you at the ball,
every eye in the
room will be on us.
And, Lily, Miss Valentine
said that Dr. Havemeyer...
might even make me a
teacher after a few more lessons.
A teacher!
And, Lily, I was reading
today in a fan magazine...
You know, that's the way Gene Kelly
started out... as a dancing teacher.
Then he starred in Pal Joey,
then he was a big smash
in For Me and My Gal,
and then there was Gene's
biggest hit, Singing in the Rain.
♪ I'm singing in the rain
just singing in the rain ♪
♪ What a glorious
feeling I'm happy again ♪
♪ I'm laughing at clouds ♪
[Laughs]
♪ So dark up above ♪
♪ The sun's in my heart
and I'm ready for love ♪♪
[Laughs]
[Harp Thrums]
Marilyn, Grandpa. Come on.
Oh, boy. He's got his
head in the harp again.
[Caws] What a cr*ck-up!
Please, watch the
face. I'm gonna be a star.
♪♪ [Jazz]
[Laughing]
♪♪ [Ends]
Mr. Munster! Mr. Munster!
What is it? The
music has stopped.
Don't bring me back
now. I'm too far out!
Oh, Mr. Mun...
Man, it's wig city!
Please, Mr. Munster. Please.
Your lesson is
over for this evening.
However, Dr. Havemeyer would
like you to sign up for a special course.
It's inexpensive and the lessons
extend over a -year period.
Really? Am I that good?
Oh, yes. You're marvelous!
Wheeee!
Sit down right here, and I'll
get you the papers to sign.
[Breathing Heavily]
Catch your breath.
They're, um...
They're all stapled together, so you don't
have to bother to read the fine print.
Thank you.
That's very thoughtful of you.
Hey, Mom, can I take Spot
to school with me today?
Not today, Eddie.
Spot's being punished.
He got out last night and ate
all the neighbor's trash cans.
Morning, all. Hi.
Morning, Lily.
Good morning, dear.
Morning, Herman. Uh, how's
Gene Kelly this morning?
Couldn't be better. The dancing school
is signing me up to a -year contract.
Marilyn, you're gonna be very proud of your
Uncle Herman at the dance Saturday night.
Your lunch pail's all packed,
dear. And here's your breakfast.
Oh, thank you. [Car Horn Honks]
Oh, there's the
carpool. I'd better run.
Wrong? It's this contract that
Herman signed with the dancing school.
He signed a -year
contract for , lessons...
at a lesson!
Why, that's... , .
Thank you, Eddie. And
that's only the beginning.
There's more? More?
A life insurance policy naming
the school as beneficiary.
In case of default, a
garnishee on Herman's salary.
A lien on his home. An
attachment on his automobile.
And in case of any legal action,
a waiver of all his rights
as an American citizen.
What are we going
to do, Grandpa?
Well, we just can't let
him know he's been taken.
Poor dear is so sensitive, he's
liable to go right into his shell.
His shell? What did you
marry, a man or a lobster?
Oh, Grandpa. We'll just have
to think of some other way.
Oh, Lily. Forget it.
Lily, I got it. I got
it. I'll take care of it.
Now, the first thing I'll do,
I'll turn that whole
school into a swamp.
Then I'll turn the
owner into a frog. Then
I'll turn all the other
teachers into lizards.
I'll turn myself Into
an alligator. A hungry
alligator. Then I'll
start eatin' my way...
Oh, stop it, Father. This is no
time to be thinking of your pleasures.
Aw, gee, Mom. You never let
Grandpa have any fun anymore.
Never you mind, Eddie.
We Munsters are
law-abiding citizens,
and we're going to
call the police right now.
Well, you better hurry. Herman's
got another lesson tonight.
Right. I gotcha. Okay. Bye-bye.
Miss Valentine,
I just got an inside tip that the cops
are going to run an investigation on us.
Look, what they usually do is they
get an investigator to pose as a student.
Some clod who acts like he
can't get out of his own way.
And when he gets the evidence on
us... Wham! Out come the handcuffs.
[Herman] Yoo-hoo!
Uh, Miss Valentine?
Twinkletoes is here!
I'll be right there!
If you think that the...
Look, Dr. Havemeyer. Speaking of
clods who can't get out of their own way,
I think the police
are onto us already.
- What do you mean?
- You know that student we signed up
to the -year contract yesterday?
I didn't think he was for
real from the beginning.
Yeah? I'd better
have a look at him.
♪♪ [Jazz]
Wow.
That's the weirdest
disguise I've ever seen.
The cops are really
reaching this time.
He looks like a cross between
Little Abner and Ramses ll.
What do we do now, Doctor?
We take desperate measures.
We turn honest.
We tell him after
analyzing his dancing,
we find out that he has absolutely no
talent, and we're refunding his money.
But, Dr. Havemeyer,
M-M-Miss Valentine,
y-you must be kidding me.
I'm afraid not, Mr. Munster. You
mean I won't be a dancing teacher?
No. Upon analysis, we find your
dancing to be crude and awkward.
And your coordination
is atrocious.
You have absolutely
no sense of rhythm.
But I wanna be a teacher,
and maybe get to Broadway,
and then get to Hollywood,
and become a big
dancing star like Gene Kelly.
And get to meet people like Kirk Douglas
and Nick Adams and all those big sh*ts.
I'm sorry. It is our decision
to return your money,
tear up your contract and
discontinue your lessons.
But you can't do that.
I mean, I promised to go to
parents' night with my niece...
and do the fox-trot
and the bunny hop.
Well, now I'll just
look silly and stupid.
I don't wanna look
stupid and silly.
I don't want to.
I don't want to.
I don't want to! I don't
want to! I don't want to!
I don't want to!
I don't want to!
[Record Crashes]
What do you think, Doctor?
I think it's the greatest performance
by a policeman since Pat O'Brien.
I told my date that we'd
meet him at the dance.
Well, that's a
good idea, Marilyn.
The last time a young man
came to our house to pick you up,
he had some sort of an
att*ck right on our front porch.
Oh, I wonder if Uncle
Herman has the car out yet.
Why, Herman, you're
not even dressed yet.
Yes, Uncle Herman.
And we're due there now.
I'm sorry, girls. I'm not going.
Not going? But we've been
looking forward to this all week,
and you took all
those dancing lessons.
And you brought that tuxedo
home from the parlor and everything.
Well, Herman has something to
tell you about the dancing school.
Well, the truth is that last night,
they tore up my -year contract,
gave me back the money
and told me to get lost.
Oh, well, that was
just a phony school.
W-Well, that doesn't matter.
W-What does matter is...
they showed me that I must
face the truth about myself.
And I realize that when you
add it up on the scoreboard of life,
Herman Munster is
just a big, awkward clod.
Oh, darling, you are not at all.
Well, uh, be that as it may, I-I want you
to go to the dance, Lily, and you, Marilyn,
and enjoy yourselves...
amidst the lights and
the music and the gaiety.
But, pussycat... No, no. No, no.
Lily, I want you
to go. I-I insist.
And, uh, if, during the evening,
some attractive gentlemen...
comes up to you and
asks you to dance,
I want you to
feel free to accept.
And, uh, while you're dancing,
and he's holding you tight,
I don't want you to give
one moment's thought...
to your faithful husband
sitting here alone...
with his shriveled-up
old father-in-law.
Herman, you're all heart.
Oh, but, Uncle Herman...
No, no. Go... out the
door and don't look back.
Well, all right,
Herman, if you insist.
Come on, Marilyn.
[Door Opens, Closes]
You know, shrivel...
I-I mean, Grandpa...
It gives me a good feeling
inside knowing I did the right thing.
[Caws] What a cornball!
[Lily] Owwww!
[Marilyn] Grandpa, Herman.
Aunt Lily fell on
the front porch.
What happened? Is she all right?
Well, I think she sprained her ankle.
Oooh! Oooh. Oooh.
Just help me to
the sofa, Herman.
I don't know how it happened.
Grandpa, wasn't that
noble of Aunt Lily?
You mean about her not
making a fuss about her ankle?
Oh, no. Because she pretended...
that she sprained her ankle so she
could stay home with Uncle Herman.
Oh, boy!
This family's come a long
way from Transylvania...
when we used to pound
stakes into each other.
Now, Eddie, watch
this. Just watch this.
Herman, what are you and Eddie
doing out here in all this bright sunlight?
Daddy's practicin' baseball.
That's right, Lily. There's a father and
son baseball game at Eddie's school,
and I'm gonna be ready.
I'm not gonna make a fool of myself
the way I did last week at Marilyn's dance.
Well, you be
careful now, Herman.
Lily, please. This is my game.
Just watch this. [Laughs]
Should I bring him
in the house, Mom?
No, Eddie, just leave
him there. The carpool
will be by in
minutes to pick him up.