02x03 - If I Were a Rich Man

[bunniefuu]

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* Go together like *

* A horse and carriage *

* This I tell ya, brother *

* You can't have one *

* Without the other *

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* It's an institute *

* You can't disparage *

* Ask the local gentry *

* And they will say
It's elementary *

* Try, try, try
To separate them *

* It's an illusion *

* Try, try, try
And you will only come *

* To this conclusion *

* Love and marriage **

NARRATOR: Last week on
Married...with Children...

What is that behind
your back?

WOMAN: What-- Ohh!

WOMAN: Aah!

Yep. Somebody sure
doesn't like tourists.

He chops them up in ...

and ...

and . Yep.

Every five years.

Who you think's gonna
get k*lled this time?

We're here!

NARRATOR:
Nobody really likes Poppy's,
but Al's happy anywhere.

Look here.

"Tonight at the high school,

meet the man
who met Andy Griffith."

NARRATOR:
Peggy is harder to please.

Comfortable, Al?

Does it matter, Peg?

Not really.

Aw, Peg, this was supposed
to be my vacation.

Get to work, Al.

All right.
Get my Dramamine.

Aaah!
Aaah!

NARRATOR: And now,
the Bundy vacation continues.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Kids, come on!

Kelly, where's Bud?

He was listening
behind the door.

Oh, oh!
Come on, Bud,
Kelly, we have--

Oh, oh!
Will you shut up?

Kids, get dressed.

We're leaving.
But we like it here.

Suit yourself.
Peg.

Al, we are not
leaving the children.

Well what's wrong?

There's someone
in our room.

That's him!

ALL: Aaah!

Help!

Help!

Peg, do something.

Aah!

All right,
we need a plan.

Here's what we do.

We get in the car
and drive home.

That's it, that's the plan.
Let's go!

ALL:
Aaah!

Who could have cut
our tires?

Oh, well, let's see.

Who do we know that's insane
and has a sharp object.

Grandma?

Dad, would this be
a bad time to remind you?

We all voted for Hawaii.

You know, Bud, there's still
an opening for someone

to go upstairs
and get our bags.

Uh, Dad?
Oh, what?!

There's a phone
behind you.

You might want to share
this with the police.

I'm just tell them
that we're in this dump

and if you have the time

why don't you tell them
there's a k*ller upstairs!

See?
There's a team player.

[CLICKING LEVER]

Hello, operator?

Operator!

Hello!

The phone's dead.

Okay, I know how
to buy us some time.

We'll tie Kelly up,
and leave her as an offering.

Uh-uh.
Last born, first torn.

Don't move.

I love you, Al.

Who cares?
We're going to die.

What are you folks doing?

Wetting ourselves.

Someone tried to k*ll us
in our room.

Oh, yeah.

Must've been the guy
who does that every five years.

That wasn't
in the brochure, Al.

The storm washed
the bridge out.

That means the k*ller
is stuck right here with us.

Got him right
where I want him.

Well, might as well
go back to bed now.

Oh, if you folks see
him again, just holler.

I'll try and find you.

There goes the only man in town
who can save us from the k*ller.

We're dead.

Well, maybe this is just one
of those mystery weekends.

There's no mystery, Mom.

Dad was just too cheap
to take us someplace nice,

and we're going
to be butchered.

Thank your father, kids.

Thanks, Dad.
Thanks, Dad.

Okay,
family meeting.

All right, now, let's discuss
what we know already.

We're trapped by a k*ller,
the phones are dead,

and the sheriff couldn't
catch an M&M in his mouth.

So it looks like it's left
up to us to survive.

Now, what we need is a w*apon.
Any weapons?

How about Bud's underwear
on a stick?

That's a good thought, Kelly,
but we can't get to our clothes.

Well, here's
a plastic fork, Al.

That's good enough.

Now, here's what
we're gonna do.

We're gonna sit
with our backs to each other

so no one
can sneak up on us.

Now, we'll set up a watch.

We'll take turns,
I'll take the first watch.

Now, I think I can stay up all
night, but if I get sleepy,

I'll wake you up.

Now, be careful, Al.

Don't worry about me.
I got the fork.

Well, this is certainly
a fine how-do-you-do.

They're alive.

What happens to our pool?

I guess we just roll it
over till tonight.

CROWD: Yeah.

Think we should
we wake them up?

It's almost noon.

Don't startle the poor
little white-haired girl.

I read them albinos
are real skittish.

Be careful.

The one with the powerful feet
got a fork in his pants.

Hey, Bundy, get up.

Peg, kids, get up.

It's safe.

Thanks to me.

Al, why didn't you wake us
for our watch?

Hey, the lion
watches over his cubs.

Oh, the sheriff said to tell you

he didn't find
nothing in your room.

It's safe to go back up.

Uh, excuse me, everybody.

I don't mean
to interrupt your meal.

But I would just
like to say thanks

for rushing to our aid as
I was screaming into the night.

Does everybody
realize that

we were almost
k*lled last night?

Yeah, sure do.

Oh, well, then maybe
I'm boring you.

Isn't anybody else scared?

No...

You see, there is this axe
wielding maniac on the loose.

Sometimes they
can hurt you.

Won't hurt us.
He just kills tourists.

since .

Family meeting.

We're out of here.

Al, may I remind you
that somebody

has slashed our tires,
the bridge is washed out,

and somewhere in Honolulu,
there's a family going, "Ahh."

You can't let it alone,
can you Peg?

Now this is nice.
"Why can't we go to Hawaii?"

"Why did we have to come here?"

"Why do we have
to take this car?"

You know, standing here
with my loving family,

I have a question.

Why am I running
from the axe?

You're right, Al.

I'm sorry to keep
harping at you.

I mean, sure there's
a maniac stalking us,

but what about
all these nice people

and the raw beauty
that is Poppy's?

Oh, God,
I feel so low.

It's beautiful
here, Al.

I'm having a blast.

Thank your father, kids.

Thanks, Dad.
Thanks, Dad.

And, Al,
you are an idiot.

So, let's go pack,
steal a canoe,

and get the hell
out of here.

That's right, envy me.

That's my wife,
those are my kids,

and I sell women's shoes.

What am I worried about?
I was dead before I got here.

Wait a second.
Wait a second.

What if the k*ller
is inside waiting for us?

All right, someone's got
to be the brave one.

I'll stay back
with the kids.

Peg, check the room.

Uh-uh, Al.
You got the fork.

Ah, it's always me.

I work.
I pay the bills.

And who's the first
to die?

Daddy.

[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]

Heh, heh!

Heh, heh!

Heh, heh!

It's safe.

You're welcome.

All right.
Pack everything.

We'll leave
the doors unlocked.

Peg.

[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]

Heh, heh!

Ha, ha!

It's safe.
Okay.

Steal everything
that's not tied down.

Pack up. We'll go downstairs,
get a refund, hit the road.

Oh, uh, pack this.

We can always use a fork.

And don't forget
my special towel.

I'll get the luggage.

Aah!

Aah!

Stop him!
Stop him!

Stop him!

Al, you forgot your fork!

Somebody grab him!
He's the k*ller!

Got a k*ller here!

Got a k*ller here!

Thank you!

Aah!

The k*ller stepped
on my foot.

Thanks a hell
of a lot, guys.

Did I catch the k*ller
at a bad time for you?

Bundy? What the hell are
you doing with poor Delbert?

Come on, Delbert.

Lock him up, sheriff.
The rough stuff's all over.

He's the k*ller.

I got him with
old dynamite and iron.

But that's Delbert.

So you don't arrest
Delberts down here?

What is he, sacred?
The guy was in my closet.

Now, Delbert, what were you
doing in this man's closet?

Come on, Delbert.
I know your ma.

I just wanted
his camera.

Now what do you say, Delbert?
Come on.

I'm sorry.

Now go on home.
Go on.

Being a little rough
on him, aren't you sheriff?

He's no k*ller,
just one of them kleptos.

Hell, he's my deputy.

He was with me last night.

Oh, thanks, Roy.

Here's your camera.

Now go back to sleep,

enjoy the rest
of your vacation, and relax.

Me and Delbert's
on the case.

Look, that guy's a k*ller.

I know it, you know it,
and them--

Well,
if Darwin was right,

they'll know it in
about a million years.

Now, me?
I'm taking my family

and I'm going back
to Chicago

where I die just
a little each day.

Peg! Kids!
Let's go!

What happened, Dad?

Oh, I was a big hero.
I caught the k*ller.

And the townspeople
cheered

and let him go
because he's a Delbert.

Our vacation's over.

Let's go.

Uh, Dad?

I think we're
missing something.

Well, leave it here,
we'll have them send it to us.

It's Mom, Dad.

Oh, yeah.

I was wondering why
I was carrying the bags.

Where'd she go?

Now, don't get nervous.

I'm sure if anybody
has your mother,

he won't keep her long.

Now, we'll go down
in the lobby and look for her.

If she's not there,
I'll find her.

You stay in the lobby
with the mouth breathers.

Let's go.

[GAGGED SPEECH]

Why am I doing this?

Revenge.

Mm.

Not just against you.

All tourists.

See, my daddy used
to own this place.

Mama didn't want him
to buy it,

but nobody
ever listened to mama.

[GAGGED SPEECH]

Yeah. Daddy had a weak heart,
but did the tourists care?

No. "Give me some towels.
It's too hot. It's too cold"

"You call this food?"

"We should have gone
to Hawaii."

Dad finally collapsed bringing
some fat woman a burger

in the middle of the night.

Mama committed su1c1de
shortly thereafter.

Aw...

Right in this room.

They left me all alone
to take care of myself.

A little kid of .

And that's how I been
ever since, alone.

My parents lost their lives
taking care of others.

Now who's going
to take care of me?

[GAGGED SPEECH]

What?

[UNINTELLIGIBLE]

Oh. Please.
Please, Mr. Maniac.

Don't k*ll me.
I'll take care of you.

Oh, yeah, sure.

You tourists, you can't
even take care of yourselves.

No, no, no, no.

Believe me.
I'm really good at, uh...

uh, what do you
call that stuff?

Housework?

That's it.

I don't know.

I like my place clean.

I was born to clean.

Dusting?
I'm the best.

Polishing?
Legend.

And, uh, what do you
call those things

you know that you push across
the rug and they go, whrr?

A vacuum?

I feel naked without one.

Then you'll definitely have one.

What about sewing?

What about it?
Do you do it?

Happily.
Washing?

Your clothes?
I'd be proud.

Blood stains,
no problem.

How about cooking?

Oh, now we are really
talking my life.

Yep, just put me in front
of a hot stove on a summer day,

four burners going,
grease splattering into my face,

mixing with all the sweat.

Who am I kidding?

I don't do any of that stuff.

I don't do anything.

I'm a housewife, damn it!

But look, I feel sorry for you.

I know what it is
to be alone.

I have a husband
and two kids.

But I don't go
around k*lling them.

I might if
I didn't have a TV.

You know, that could be
the answer for you, too.

Look, the next time you get this
k*lling urge, just do as I do.

Grab yourself some bonbons,
take the phone off the hook,

pick up the old remote control,
and remember,

don't k*ll,
watch Phil.

I hate Phil.

You are sick.

Yeah, but I'm going
to be alive in the morning.

Peg!

Peggy!

Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.

I didn't mean to bother you
while you were dressing.

Have you seen a tall,
redheaded woman?

I forget her name right now,
but the kids call her mom.

It's Peggy.

Peg!

Peggy!

That's your future
late husband.

I'll hide
behind the door.

You call him.

I will not.

Okay, then I'll
k*ll you first.

Al! Yoo-hoo!

Honey, I-- I'm in here.

Peg!

Who did this to you?

Tell me!

[UNINTELLIGIBLE]

It doesn't matter.
We're going home.

I tell you this--

I don't think we're ever
coming back to this place.

[UNINTELLIGIBLE]

Let me untie this.

You know, I kind of
like you this way.

I think we'll
take this home.

What are you trying
to say?

Aah!
Aah!

Help me, Peg.
Help me.

Help me, Peg.

I'll cook for whoever wins!

[THUD]

Al! Al!

Ah! Ah! Help me, Peg.
Help me.

Help me, Peg.
Help me, Peg. Help me.

Come on, Peg.

Run! Run, Peg! Run!

Yep, yep, yep.

Ever hear of the drink
Coca-cola?

Yeah.

Will you stop it?

That's the first time
you've said those words, Kel.

Ugh!

He's an idiot.

Huh?

That's right, dear.

Anyhow, you ever hear
of Chevrolet?

PEG:
Aah!

That's Mom.

AL:
Aah!

That's Dad!

Help me, Peg.
Help me, help me.

Run, Peg, run.

Run, Peg, run.

Run, run, run.

Al! Al, my hair!

Help me, Peg.

Help me.

Help me.

Don't help me, Peg.

There he is, the k*ller.

He's done, washed up,
finished.

He learned what
a lot of K*llers learn:

When they come after
Bundy, they find trouble.

Excuse me.

[PUKING]

Yep. Bundy's the name,
hero's the game.

Get him out of here.

Who is he sheriff?
Who is the murdering scum?

Uh-oh.

Well, do we take him to jail
now, or hang him right here?

Do you know who
this man is, Bundy?

Yeah.
He's the k*ller.

Yes, but he's also the man
who met Andy Griffith.

What are you doing?

Making sure
you didn't hurt him.

See, Bundy, Dumpwater
ain't much of a town.

We only got two things--

A serial k*ller and the man
who met Andy Griffith.

We could probably stand
to lose one or the other,

but we'll be damned
if we're going to lose both.

Y'all better
get going, Bundy.

I say we hang
the whole family.

I'd kind of like to keep
the little white-haired girl.

Kids, get the bags.

Dad, are we
taking mom too?

I guess.

Are you gonna be able to talk
tonight at the high school?

I don't know.

He hit me hard.

Take her like she is.

We'll untie her
at home...

maybe.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

PEG:
Al, where are the kids?

BUD AND KELLY:
Thanks, Dad.

KELLY: Gee, Dad, next year
can we go to Lebanon?

Where's my luggage,
Marcie?

Steve, please, I am sick
of hearing about your luggage.

Can we talk
about something else?

Fine.
Where's my camera, Marcie?

Steve, you're obsessive.

I am not obsessive.

I just know they've taken that
luggage and gone off somewhere.

Right, Steve.

I'm sure they're going
to build a whole new life

around your luggage.

And my camera.

BUNDYS:
* There's no place like home *

AL:
Steve, here's you luggage
and your camera.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[***]