02x11 - How Do You Spell Revenge?

[bunniefuu]

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* Go together like
A horse and carriage *

* This I tell ya, brother *

* You can't have one *

* Without the other *

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage-- *

* It's an institute
You can't disparage *

* Ask the local gentry *

* And they will say
It's elementary *

* Try, try
Try to separate them *

* It's an illusion *

* Try, try, try *

* And you will only come
To this conclusion *

* Love and marriage-- **

Nice game, Peg.

Oh, you're talking
to me again, huh?

It was fun, Al.
It's only a game.

No, it's only a game
if you win,

but if you lose,
it's a stinking waste of time,

especially if you lose

to the Kiss-Me
Cosmetics Company.

Well, they sure smelled good,
didn't they?

And you know, Al,
I may have struck out
four times,

but at least
I found out

I was using
the wrong eyeliner.

Peg, we lost to six women

and three men
with visible panty lines.

Bud, you had fun,
didn't you?

You stink, Mom.

We lost to women, Dad.

You'll get
used to it, son.

We haven't won
a game all season.

Well, I'm going to go upstairs
and take a shower.

Al, would you like me
to prepare your shower?

You know, spray deodorant

on the underarms
of a clean shirt?

Peg, I don't have
any clean shirts.

You guys can be
miserable if you want to,

but I got out in the sunshine
and I had a good time.

I love being on this team.

Peg, you're right.
That's what
it's all about.

We've got to get rid
of your mother, Bud.

I know, Dad, but how?

We've got to have
three women on the team.

Well, we've got
to do something.
We're O in .

If we lose
our next two games,

we're out
of the league.

And then you know where
we'll be spending our Sundays.

Grandma's.

Yeah.

Well, it may not
come to that, son.

Next week,
we're playing

the Shaky Acres
Retirement Home...

and their best player
has bladder problems.

We'll take him out

on the first play
at second.

But your mother would
lose a grounder in the sun.

It's too risky, Bud.
We need another woman.

Well, this may be
stretching the word "woman,"

but Kelly's pretty good--
she's got a great arm.

I once saw her hit a police car
with a rock at yards.

I taught her to throw.
Let's sign her.

I don't know.
Mom loves those games.

How can we get her
not to play?

Well, that's where
you come in, Bud.

I leave it up to you.

Nothing permanent.

I just want her
out for two weeks.

You can depend on me.

Hey, I--

I don't want
to know about it.

Just do what
you have to do.

Right, Dad.

Three-women rule.

If God had wanted
women to play ball,

he'd have made them men.

I just met
the most wonderful guy.

He's nice,
he's courteous,

he's never thrown a teacher
through a window,

but still, there's
something I like about him.

That's good, uh...
Think fast!

You know, Kelly,
it's been a long time

since we've had
a father-daughter talk.

We've never had
a father-daughter talk.

That's because
up until now,

I've never had anything
to say to you, but...

Sit down.

You grew up so fast.

Just seemed
like yesterday

we were out
in the backyard
playing catch.

Before Bud was born

and you figured I was
your last chance?

Bud means nothing to me.

You were always
my favorite.

You know that.

Oh, Daddy...

Yeah, come on, come on.

Honey, I was just thinking,
you know, your old dad...

might not
be around forever.

That's what Mom says.

Your mom is the reason

that I might not
be around forever,

but, no, honey,
I was thinking, you know,

maybe you might like
to play a little ball

on our team this Sunday.

I thought Mom was playing.

PEG: Ow!

Al, I almost broke my toe
on your weights.

I told you not to leave them
laying around.

Mom might be
a little busy.

You know, Dad,
I'd love to, but I can't.

This new guy and I
are going to go watch them

unload the ' Harleys
down at the bike shop on Sunday.

I think I'm in love.

Kelly, honey, let me
tell you something.

Guys will come
and guys will go,

but your dad will always
be your dad...

until he can't
take it anymore

and he hops
on a freight train.

Come on, honey.

It'll be like old times
in the backyard.

I can't, Daddy.
I've got a date.

You're playing
third, Kelly.

Oh, Daddy.

Mom! Guess what.
I'm in love,

and wait till you meet him.
He's perfect.

He does
the cutest things.

We went down to this

great new restaurant
in New Town.

We ate everything
on the menu,

I mean, the most
expensive stuff.

You know what he did?

He put a roach
in the food,

and we didn't have
to pay for anything.

You're kidding.

You know, that's amazing.

I used to date a guy
who did that.

Yeah, now your father
just takes me to restaurants

where they have
their own bugs.

So, what's his name?

Brian.

Oh, Mom, I love
everything about him--

his hair, his lips,
his breath.

His breath?

Really?

Well, there goes
the old myth

of a girl wanting a guy
just like her father.

Peg, I wonder why

you never went after a guy
like your father,

or weren't there any

chronically unemployed
social parasites...

the month you were
in your prime?

Mom, how did you know
you were in love with Dad?

Well...

He was kind of
an athlete in school,

and no one really thought
much about the future back then.

BUD: Mom?

Can you come up here
right away?

Al, I'm talking to Kelly.

Could you go see
what Bud wants?

Clean up after the dog,
talk to your son--it never ends.

You know, honey, you ought

to bring Brian down
to watch us play softball.

I was so good today.

Well, I thought I was good.

Daddy was a little upset,

but, you know, he takes
these games much too seriously.

AL: Whaa!

[THUD]

BUD: Dad, you ruined
everything.

You don't love me.

Yes, I do.

Do you think that
I would do this for everyone?

I've seen you do this
for everyone.

AL: You stink!

My parents are home.

I thought they'd be playing
softball all day.

I thought I'd leave home
by the time I was .

You know, sometimes things don't
work out the way you think.

Don't worry about
meeting my parents,

except for my father.

He's okay and all,

but if he finds you
sitting in his spot,

he'll punch you
in the face.

Where's his spot?

I forget.

Anyhow, only talk to him

about sports
and bodily functions.

It's what he knows,
it's what he likes.

Oh. One more thing--

if you touch me
while he's here,

he'll break your back.

Ready?

It was very brave of you
to play with that foot, Al.

Yeah, freak accident,

slipping on
a banana peel.

How'd you do, Dad?

I went for ,

Bud went for ,
and your mom...

Well, we lost - .

At least
I hit the ball, Al.

Oh, great. You finally
make a bunt,

and an -year-old man
beats you to first base.

Course, he wasn't
wearing high heels.

Bud, you want to get me
some juice, huh?

Is this your spot?

This is my house.

Every spot is my spot.

Mom, Dad, I'd like you
to meet Brian.

Next week, we play
the Christian T-shirt Shop.

Now, they've never won a game
because they refuse to steal,

but they've never played us.

Dad, the refrigerator's
been sucked dry.

Who's this?

It's Brian.

Nice to meet
you, Brian.

Yeah, nice
to meet you, Brian.

Hi.

Your breath
smells of juice.

Oh, don't pay
any attention to Al.

No one ever does.

You know, you look
kind of familiar.

Do I know you
from anywhere?

I don't think so,

but I do work
at the grocery store.

Then there's no way
she ever saw you there.

Drank all my juice, huh?

Wait a second, Dad.

Juice gives him
the essential vitamins

he needs to fight...

infections.

Brian, I'd like you
to meet my brother, Bug.

That's Bud.

I was named after a beer,
wasn't I, Dad?

So, Brian, outside of drinking
all our juice,

what are your intentions
with Kelly here?

Come on, everybody,

let's give them
a little privacy.

You know, I think my dad
really liked you.

Gee, I really liked him.

By the way,
thanks for saying,

"Have some more juice.
There's plenty."

You're more important
than my father.

Am I?

Sure. You know
how I feel about you.

You know, it takes
more than words.

There is a way

you could
prove it to me,

but you'd never do it.

Yes, I would. What?

You've known me
for two days.

You know there's nothing
I wouldn't do.

I know, but I'm talking
about a tattoo,

one with my name on it.

I'm getting one
with your name on it.

You are?

Yeah.

That's the way
I feel about you, Kelly.

Well, where do you
want me to put it?

Anywhere,

as long as it shows.

So, like, anywhere.

Yeah.

I don't know.
My parents would k*ll me.

I'll do it.

AL: Come on, Peg,

you're not leaving
till you catch a fly ball.

PEG: It's dark.

Catch!

Ow!

That's it, Al.
I am not practicing anymore.

I'm good enough,
and it's just a game.

It's not just a game.

We'd better not lose
to the Christians, Peg.

I'm warning you.

I hate that
three-women rule.

I hate women.

Dad, can I talk to you?

Oh, why?

It's important, Daddy.

Okay. Now, listen,

this is
not about sex, is it?

Because I don't know
anything about that.

I know. Mom told me.

No, it's not
about sex, Dad.

Good. Good.

Okay. Now,
I'm going to be

totally straight
with you.

There's this girl.
Let's call her... Betty.

She has this guy
who wants her

to look a certain
way for him,

but, see, this girl

isn't sure that she wants
to look this certain way.

Kelly, let me
tell you something.

Society, somehow, some way,
separated the sexes.

Now, they made girls weak.

Now, I'm not saying
it's bad to be a girl.

I'd rather be dead myself.

But it's always
the girl's place

to do something
for the guy,

Never the guy's place
to do anything for the girl--

until you marry them--

then the law steps in
and makes you.

But back to this
friend of yours... Betty.

See, she has to understand
that you don't always

have to do
what the guy says,

especially if Betty...

is my little girl.

Yeah, come on, come on.

Okay, Peg! Get out in the hall!

We're going to do
some grounders!

I don't want to, Al.

I didn't want to talk
to Kelly either, but I did.

Yeah. Is this
Melvin's Tattoo?

Yes. Can I make an appointment
for next Sunday?

I know, I know. I stink.

But it was close.

We lost to nuns.

I have never been
so humiliated.

In front of everyone,

you told Sister Mary Alice,
"Bless this, honey."

Hey, I might not know
all the religious gestures,

but I recognized
the one she gave to me.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Gee, I wonder
who that could be.

If there's any justice,
it's the baseball police.

Yes?

Hi, Peggy.

You don't remember
me, do you?

No.

All right, I'll give
you a little hint.

That night behind the aquarium
in high school?

Oh, Craig!

No.

Ted!

No.

Rodrigo!

No.

Well, you're just
going to have to be
a little more specific.

Jimmy.

Oh, that aquarium.

Well, come on in.

Al, this is Jimmy,
from the aquarium.

This is
my husband, Al.

You're
a lucky man, Al.

Yeah, right.

So sit down, Jimmy.

You want a beer?

Sure.

So, what brings you around here
after all this time?

Well, I wondered
what became of you,

so I looked you up.

Who would ever have thought
that you'd be living

in a nice, big place
like this?

I've never been
in a house like this.

How'd you let this one
get away, Peg?

Actually, Al,
she dumped me.

Yeah? What did you do?

Nothing, really.

It was just before
the sophomore dance.

I'd rented a tux,
a car, bought flowers.

I got to her house
just in time to see

her little bottom pull off
on the back of a Harley.

Let me get this straight.

You think this house
is big, but her bottom--

Al, Jimmy is speaking.

And I didn't dump you.

I just went out the back door
with a cuter guy.

You know how kids are.

Yeah, yeah,
I can laugh about it now.

Ha ha ha!

She didn't realize it then,

but she was
the love of my life.

See how lucky
you are, Al?

See how lucky you are?

You know, that night

I was coming
to take you to the dance,

I had something special
to show you.

Look at this.

Oh, Jimmy,
I'm so flattered!

Well, look at that, Al.

He has my name
tattooed on his arm.

You never did that.

Maybe that's because
I'm not insane

like old Jimbo over there.

Well, buddy,
thanks for stopping by.

Next time you want to mutilate
some part of your body,

swing by and show it to us.

I'm going.

I just wondered if you
knew what it was like

to go through
your whole life

with a tattoo of "Peggy"
on your arm.

I had to marry
a girl named Peggy,

a fat horse
of a Peggy.

You know, the kind of woman
that looks like

she inhaled
another woman.

I guess we should all be
grateful for what we have.

You got a Peggy
that's beautiful and fun.

I got one that sleeps
standing up.

I can laugh about that now,
though. Heh!

We had fun in high school,
didn't we?

Like when I took you
to that fancy restaurant

and I put the roach
in the food

and we got our meal for free.

That's funny.

My daughter's dating
a guy who did that.

I know. It's my son.

I can laugh
about that now too.

Where's Kelly?

I don't know,

but I think she might
be out with Brian.

That's great.
My daughter is out

with the spawn of Norman Bates
and Sea Biscuit.

I should have k*lled him
when he drank my juice.

Maybe we'd better
go find her.

Dad, I got a good one.

This one is so good,
I won't even charge you.

Guess where I saw Kelly.

Eliminate the obvious

like the back seat,
the bushes, jail.

Now guess.

Okay, time's up.
She's getting a tattoo.

Yep.

I saw her and Brian
go into the tattoo parlor.

They were testing her arm.

Should I bring down your belt?

Al, you've got
to do something.

Whoo! Much better
than a belt, Dad.

I'm going
to go stop Kelly,

then find Jimbo,
and hit one out of the park.

Now, where's
this tattoo parlor?

Okay, it's the one
next to the nightclub that says,

"Girls, girls, girls."
You go down--

I know where it is.

Bud, where are you going?

I'm moving my stuff
into my dead sister's room.

Freeze.

Show me your arm.

Who spotted me?

BUD: * Dum da-dum-dum-dum *

Hey, that's my stuff!

Never mind that, Kelly.
Show me your arm.

Oh, Mom, I didn't
get the tattoo.

I mean,
I was going to,

but on the way over,
Brian told me the whole story,

and a funny thing happened.

We really did fall in love,

and we both decided
to get tattooed.

But then you realized

how upset your father
and I would be?

No.

See, when Brian
was getting his tattoo,

I saw the cutest guy,
and we fell in love,

so I went outside,
and we rode off in the sunset

in his Domino's
pizza truck.

This is it, Mom.
This is the real thing.

You're really turning into
a fine young woman.

You know, Mom, I feel closer
to you than ever

now that both of these geeks
have tattoos.

Yeah.

You know, I feel kind of sorry
for Brian, though.

He's going to have to go
through his whole life

with "Kelly"
tattooed on his arm.

That's no problem.

I'll just introduce him

to this other girl
at school named Kelly.

She's kind of fat, though.

Well, as long
as we're happy.

Kelly, my hair.

* Dum da-dum, dum-dum *

Excuse me.

I went to the tattoo parlor.

Good news.

She didn't get
the tattoo.

I know. She's upstairs.
Did you find Jim?

Yep. I followed Brian
to his house,

broke the door down,

and I was going to
break Jimmy's head when...

she came out
of the kitchen.

Peg, her face was
in a Jell-O mold.

She was wearing
a muumuu,

but it
had to be slit

so she could
fit into it.

Peg, she had no knees.

So I let him live.

I figured that's the worst thing
I could do to him.

That's my Al.

She was horrible, Peg,
horrible!

You look good, Peg.

Thanks, Al.

God, she was fat.