02x12 - Earth Angel

[bunniefuu]

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* Go together like
A horse and carriage *

* This I tell ya, brother *

* You can't have one *

* Without the other *

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* It's an institute
You can't disparage *

* Ask the local gentry *

* And they will say
It's elementary *

* Try, try
Try to separate them *

* It's an illusion *

* Try, try, try *

* And you will only come
To this conclusion *

* Love and marriage **

[HUMMING]

You want some?
I made it myself.

Hey, Peg.
I got you something

that's going to make
your life much easier.

You got a night job?

No. I already got
one of those.

It's called getting
in bed with you.

Well, then,
you've been missing work.

Anyhow, you know
how you're always complaining

Buck never comes
when you call him?

Well, I got you one of those
silent dog whistles. Watch.

Here, Buck.

Now watch this.

Go on, sit there
and rust.

Speaking of items just
sitting and rusting away,

it's Thursday night.

Oh, nice timing, Peg.

You know I'm going
bowling tonight.

I was going to try
to break .

Now I got this
hanging over my head.

Thanks a lot, Peg.

And what's this
doing out?

Are we having dinner,

or is this just
to tease me and the kids?

No, it's for later.

The girls
are coming over.

[CAR DOOR SLAMS]

Oh, my God,
they're here.

Quick! I've got to go!

Peg! Where's
my lucky bowling socks?

Downstairs, warding
off evil spirits.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[HUMMING]

Hi!
Hi!
Hi!

Come on in, girls.

Go straight
into the kitchen.

AL: There's plaster falling
on my head down here!

Keep cadence, will you?

Don't worry.

He'll be going
bowling soon.

I know.
He's meeting my Dennis.

And my husband, um...

Um...

Barry?

That's it.

I can never think
of his name.

Ah!

Oh!
Oh!
Ooh!

It's amazing what
energy they have

when they're
leaving the house.

But not for us.

You marry them,
they forget you're a woman.

God knows,
I do my best.

Peggy, you get it
once a month.

What's your secret?

Well, I'll tell you,

you have to catch
them off guard.

For instance, I'll tell Al

that I'm going to take
a shower before going to bed.

Then I'll go
and turn on the shower,

and Al will hurry up
and get into bed

and pretend to fall asleep
before I get out.

Oh, yeah.
Mm-hmm.

Actually, though,
I'm hiding in the darkened room,

and I grab him
just as he hits the mattress.

Sure, sometimes,
there's a fight,

but in the end, it gave us
two beautiful children.

Oh!
Oh!
Oh!

I can't understand it.

Our husbands don't want
to sleep with us anymore.

Why?

Maybe he's afraid
he'll wake up in your stomach.

Must he be here?

I'm going. I'm going.

Good God, it calls them
from everywhere.

Hi, Peg.

Sorry to interrupt, girls,
but I'm in a hurry.

Steve and I have
sort of a date planned tonight.

He's meeting me
at a sleazy bar

where he's going to
"pick me up."

Can I borrow a cigarette?

Steve just loves it

when I smoke
and look like trash.

Sure.
Thanks.

Excuse me,
but if you're married,

why are you going out?

We're role playing.

It adds mystery and excitement
to our love life.

With your husband?

How much
of a love life?

Every hours.

Except on weekends
when we catch up.

Give us some
cigarettes, Peggy.

Yeah. Let's go to the bowling
alley and turn on our men!

Al, what are you doing
home so early?

Peg, you should have seen it.

There was a riot at the alley.

Your friends showed up

stinking of chocolate
and cigarettes.

They started yelling,
"Take me, I'm trash!"

Nobody did.

But then the riot started.
It was ugly, Peg--

men screaming,
running for the exits.

I didn't quite understand
what they were saying,

but I think something big's
happening in hours.

Do we have
any canned goods, Peg?

This could be it.

Sit down, Al.

Did you hear something
on the news?

Yes, as a matter of fact.

They said that the sun
was going to supernova

and we should have sex
before the end comes.

I got no time, Peg.
I got to go looting!

Forget it, Al.
I'm only kidding.

Look, unlike you,

the sun will be up
tomorrow morning.

Look, the girls
were just lonely.

They wanted some affection
from their husbands.

On league night?

Never mind, Al.

I'm going to go upstairs
and take a shower.

Oh, yeah! I'm sure you're

really going to get me
with that one twice.

Dad!

No, it's
not that, Dad.

Remember how you
always say it's important

to do nice things
for other people?

I never say that, son.

Then it must have
been you, Mom.

No, I don't think
it was me.

Must have been Cosby then.

Anyhow, me and my friends
were down in the park,

heckling some bums,
and I met this girl.

and she has
no place to stay,

so I invited her here.

Is that okay?

No.

Al, the girl
has no place to stay,

and I'm sure
after one night with you,

it will send her
screaming back to her parents.

Of course, she can stay.

Thanks, Mom.
She's right outside.

Just until
we find her parents.

This is great.

I barely want my own,

now I get another
runny-nosed--

Mom, Dad,
this is Tiffany.

Welcome home, Tiff.

Al, this is not
what I expected.

Peg, this is not
a present for you.

It's for Dad...

From his little boy!

Tiffany, come in.
Relax. Sit down.

You want anything,
like coffee, water--

An old man
drooling on you.

This is Peg.

This is probably
the last time you'll see her.

Peg, this must
be boring you.

Bud, take your mom
to the movies.

Let her go by herself, Dad.

I found her.

So, uh, Tiffany...

Tell us a little
something about yourself.

What Peg means is
where are you from,

what are your plans?

When did you stop
wearing a bra?

Well, I'm from
San Francisco,

and I'm on my way

to New York
to go to art school.

And I don't like bras.

They're too constricting,
don't you think?

Get out.

Peg, she's got
no place to go.

Bud, get some sheets
and a blanket for the couch

so your mother
will be comfortable.

No, no... I meant
so Tiffany can be comfortable.

It's so easy to get
you two confused.

You sure it's okay?

Positive.
No!
Definitely.

Thank you.

I'll just change
for bed, then.

Isn't that cute, Peg?

She's...

walking.

Al, will you put down
Tiffany's sweater?

You know, Peg,

her sweater
smells like sunshine.

Well, I'll tell you what, Al,

why don't we put it
with your shirts?

What with the moons
under your arms

and her sunshine,

we'll have a whole galaxy.

Mr. and Mrs. Bundy,

I can't
thank you enough

for letting me
stay here with you.

No, you can't.

Give her a chance, Peg.
She may.

She did.

Can you teach Peg
to do that?

I don't think
she'll have time, Al.

She's leaving tomorrow...

Early.

Well, I'm going up to bed.

I don't suppose
you'd want to join me.

Yeah.

Yes?

Oh, yeah. Now.
Right now.

Stay!

AL: Peg, you want to
come back up?

Forever.

Coming, Al!

Hey, guys.

Thanks for helping me out
in the yard.

Glad to help out.

No problem.

Nice guy like you.

I hope my aerobics
didn't disturb your yard work.

No.
Didn't even
notice you.

I'll just go
wash up, then.

Thanks, Al.

Well, I hear
Louise calling.

Yeah, Sheila's
always ready.

Maybe I won't remember
what she looks like.

Fanny should
still be in bed.

Oh, well, I guess

I can pretend
the crumbs are sand

and we're at the beach!

Well, Al...

thanks for letting me work
in the yard.

Hey, Al!

What's going on?

I get home, there are
all these cars

parked on my lawn!

Didn't you
get my note?

The one about five bucks
to work your yard?

I was going
to rush right over,

but I got held up tossing
quarters down the sewer.

Actually, Steve, there's
something upstairs

you've got to see.

Now, to the general public,
it's a $ . charge,

but since you're a friend

and we accidentally
chopped down your willow tree,

this is a freebee.

Oh, Tiffany!

Yes, Mr. Bundy?

Tiffany dear,
come meet our neighbor.

He lost a tree,
but gained a view.

Tiffany, Steve.

Steve... Steve, view.

Nice to meet you.

Gobloodu me.

Gee, you're cool, Steve.

Anyhow, let me
give you a price list.

On Thursdays,
she does aerobics.

That's $ .

On Friday
she sunbathes,

and she does
some jogging.

That's our
combo platter.

That's bucks.

But being you live
right next door,

you might want
the weekly rate.

That's $ ,
but with that,

you get popcorn
or a free lottery ticket.

I can't believe you, Al.

This is truly low.

So you in?

Maybe.

No, I'm not in.

Where's Peggy?

Well, she couldn't
quite get up today.

Look at her, Steve.

She's in the kitchen.
Isn't that cute?

Okay, so she's beautiful
and gorgeous and all that,

but, Al, so is Marcie,

and what's more,
Marcie has inner beauty.

And when all
is said and done,

the one true erogenous
zone in the body

is right up here.

Um, yeah, but the only
thing is, Steve,

I don't see too many men going
around pinching women's heads.

Well, perhaps we should.

Wait a second.

Modigliani,
Kandinsky, Chagall.

Who here would
be reading art books?

Who here
would be reading?

Oh, those are mine.

Although I must admit it was

the American Impressionists
who won my heart.

How do you feel
about Hassam?

Oh! And Cassatt!

Ahh!

Al, isn't this exciting?
She likes art!

Look at
her legs, Steve.

Oh, Peg! Peg,
it's wake-up time!

Sorry to leave you
down here.

I had to take care
of something upstairs.

Well, hi-ho, hi-ho.

I'm off to work.

Marcie, how're
they hanging?

Ohh!

I, uh, may be home
for lunch.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

My, the clouds look
especially fluffy today.

[WHISTLES]

What is going on?

And what's all this
singing at night I hear?

That's the sounds
of nookie, dear.

Everybody's getting it.

But if you were getting it
every hours before Tiffany,

I'm surprised
you're even conscious.

So, what are you
batting these days?

He doesn't even
get up to the plate.

Gee, too bad.

I can't stand it, Peggy.

Everyone
in this neighborhood

is happy, but me.

It's not fair.

I'm supposed
to be the happy one,

not you people.

All Steve wants to do
is talk about Tiffany.

Tiffany, Tiffany, Tiffany.

He could care less

that I was at that bar
waiting for him last night--

with a cigarette.

He never did show up.

I spent three hours
pounding down brewskies

with some spot welder
named Bluto.

Well, Marcie, why don't you
look at it this way--

so your husband
doesn't find you

attractive and
interesting anymore.

Did you think you'd
get through married life

having sex and fun
indefinitely?

Not in this town, Marce.

So why don't you do
what the girls and I did?

Get yourself some bonbons,

take up bingo,

and readjust the shower heads
in the bathroom.

How about
if I try this?

Putting Tiffany's hair
in a veg-o-matic?

Slice it, dice it,

let it sit in her lap

while I dance around
her shaven head.

Come on, Peggy,
you've got to help me.

We must get rid of Tiffany.

Oh, no, no, no, Marce.

We must put an end
to world hunger,

we must buckle
up for safety,

but when it comes to Peg Bundy
getting it regularly,

we must go with the flow.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I must go and get dinner
for my sugar tush.

Oh, and if Tiffany comes back,
could you have her

sitting on the couch
when Al comes home?

It's important.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello?

No, Steve,
this is not Tiffany.

This is your wife,

and let me tell--

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mrs. Rhoades.

Gee, you're
looking haggard.

Isn't this nice?

The birds are singing,

the whole neighborhood
smells of bacon,

and, you know,

everybody says
that the clouds

look especially
fluffy.

Here are your messages, Kel.

Thank you.

Craig called.

Saw Tiffany.
Please call immediately.

Don, ditto.

Cliff. Ooh, Cliff!

Uh, Kel.

Forgetting something.

You are one heck
of a little brother.

Yep. I found her.

[BIRDS SING]

Hi. How are you?

Gee, isn't it a pretty day?

All right, blondie.

Let's get right to the point.

I want you to
stop talking Modigliani

with my husband.

You must be married to Steve,
the banker/mountain climber.

He hasn't climbed anything
since you hit this burg.

But I'm probably boring you
with my petty problems.

Pretty much, yeah.

Well, then let's
talk about you.

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

What's the matter?

Oh, nothing.

It's just that
I hate to see you,

a budding young artist,
wasting your life.

You should be in New York,
that cultural mecca,

studying to be the great artist
you could be.

Is this one of
your sketches, dear?

Yes, it is.

It's lovely.

I'm sorry.

It's just that
when I see art this good--

I get kind of choked up.

You really think
I'm that good?

I've seen the sun

come up over
a garden hose before...

but now that I've seen it
through your eyes,

I truly understand.

The hose represents
man's state in the universe.

Tiffany, go!

You must share your vision
with all of New York!

You're right. I'll go.

I'll tell Peg and Al
tonight that--

No, no!

Don't tell them. Just go.

A clean break is best.

There's a pre-paid ticket
waiting for you at O'Hare.

My treat.

Thank you,
Mrs. Rhoades.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pack!

Oh, okay!

New York?

Hey, Peg.

What happened
to the birds?

Uh, I don't know, Al.

You want to go upstairs?

No, not yet.

Eh...

It doesn't smell like
it used to in here.

It's not like
a sea breeze anymore.

Where's Tiffany?

Out. For the evening.

She went to the movies.

You want to go upstairs?

Uh, no. No, uh...

Something's missing.

Is it darker, or...

colder?

Has the paint faded?

All right, Al.

She's gone. Forever.

But it doesn't
matter, honey.

I mean, who needs her?

We've been
so happy together,

and we've learned
so much.

Like that you won't die

if we do it more
than once a month.

Let's go upstairs.

Uh, I'm going up.

You want to join me?

Al?

PEG: Oh, God, no!

[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]