02x20 - Just Married... with Children

[bunniefuu]

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* Go together like
A horse and carriage *

* This I tell ya, brother *

* You can't have one
Without the other *

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* It's an institute
You can't disparage *

* Ask the local gentry *

* And they will say
It's elementary *

* Try, try, try
To separate them *

* It's an illusion *

* Try, try, try
And you will only come *

* To this conclusion *

* Love and marriage **

Hey, Peg. What's
for breakfast?

Nothing.

We had that
yesterday....

But you sure know
how to make it.

Whose mail did the mailman
bring by mistake today?

Steve and Marcie's.

They get such good magazines.

Should we keep their
Architectural Digest?

Aw, why not? It'll impress
Steve and Marcie

when they see it
on our couch.

What else did we get?

Well, here's a letter

from Steve's friend
in West Germany

that he
plays chess with.

Oh, look. It's
Steve's turn.

Let's see.

I think I'll move the
queen over here...

where
no one else is.

I know that's where
I'd like to be.

Since you're
doing your life,

why don't you
lay the king down

and have those two horses
run back and forth over him?

One move at a time, Al.

Hey, look at this.

Steve and Marcie got invited
to fill out an application

for some new TV game show,
How Do I Love Thee?

Oh, that's that game
show for newlyweds.

Yeah, it's coming
to Chicago for one week only.

We'll keep that.

We'll have fun filling
it out for them.

Hey, look at this.

Steve and Marcie's phone bill
is $ .

What a pair of morons to spend
that much time on the phone.

Look. There must be calls
to numbers.

What losers.

That's our phone bill, Al.

Hey, Mom, my clothes,
they smell...clean.

And my sweater, you can
tell what color it is.

Yeah, look.

You got those grass
stains off the back.

I told you, I fell.

That's it, kids.
Let's hear it for your mom.

We're always quick
to criticize her

when she doesn't wash or cook
or clean or scrub, or...

Well, let's face it.
She does nothing.

But you've got to admit,
after all these years,

she's finally found a way
how to get our clothes clean.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Here's your laundry.

I'm sorry it took so long,

but Al's shorts were
particularly tricky today.

Thank you, Mrs. Rhoades.

Good work,
Mrs. Rhoades.

Look, Peggy, I know your
washing machine's broken,

but when I offered
to help days ago,

I thought Al would have
fixed it by now.

Yeah, me too,
but then I just gave up.

I'll get you today's load,
Marce.

Oh. You get
Architectural Digest?

We used to.
I wonder what happened.

Well, maybe you
should resubscribe.

It's an excellent magazine.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

You want to get that, Marcie?

Uh, Marcie, before
I go to work...

I was
just wondering.

You think you
could find some time

to do any
of my laundry?

Look, Steve.
I have a job too, you know.

I'm putting a stop
to this right now.

I thought I hit
a new low yesterday

when I went to work
in my Nehru jacket,

but obviously
I was mistaken.

Take your own crusted laundry,

b*at it against a rock,
but keep it out of our house.

But our washing
machine's broken.

No, it isn't.

It's married to me,
and I'm taking it back.

Hey, look, Steve,
what do you want us to do?

Start paying
for the detergent?

They weren't paying
for detergent?

Well, I felt
uncomfortable asking.

Well, the free ride
is over.

Hey, here's a radical thought.

Why don't you take your laundry
to the Laundromat

and do it yourself?

Ha ha! I'm not going
to the Laundromat.

Why don't you buy
a new washing machine?

Gee, Steve, I'm a little
short this week.

I got my paycheck.

Well, maybe we could
loan you the money--

Excuse us.

No. Please.

Money is
important to me.

They are not.

Oh, Steve.
It's only $ .

It's worth it.

Have you seen
their laundry?

Marcie, I am putting
my foot down.

That is, if it's
okay with you.

That $ is going
for a super VHS...

for the bedroom.

Oh, Steve.

Well, it was going
to be a surprise.

You're wonderful.

To hell with them.

Could we have
a loan from your bank?

Gee, I hate them.

Well, so much
for clean clothes.

Peg, I didn't want
to say this in front of them,

but you could go
to the Laundromat.

Oh, be serious, Al.

Now, what are we going to do?

I don't know, Peg,
but I'll tell you one thing.

They're not getting
their mail from me.

I know.

Why don't we burn
that application

to the game show?

You know, Al, they give away
prizes on those shows.

Ha ha. Even better.
They won't get any now.

No, honey.

I mean prizes, you know,
like washing machines.

Look, Peg, they don't
need one.

Listen, Machiavelli,
all we have to do

is fill out that application
as Steve and Marcie,

put our address down
as their address,

and get on the show.

Yeah. Maybe we could
win a washer/dryer.

Wow.

That's much
better than my idea

of going on the show,
losing,

and coming home
with nothing.

Well, you know, someone's
got to do the thinking

for us, Peg.

[***]

[APPLAUSE]

Hello there, and welcome
to How Do I Love Thee?

the game show
that dares to ask

"How do I love thee?"

For those of you
who are totally ignorant

of today's superstars,

I'm Bink Winkleman.

[FAINT APPLAUSE]

Thank you.

Here's our own
little piece of fluff

that the network
thrust upon me--

the lovely Zelda.

[APPLAUSE]

Yes, soon to be
appearing naked

in Squish magazine.

Now, just a little reminder
of what we're all about.

We take two
newly married couples

and find out how much

they're willing to
t*rture their loved ones

for cheap prizes.

Sound good? You betcha!

Then let
the games begin!

Right, Bink.

Okay.

Now let's meet
our loving couples.

First, from
Cow Lake, Wisconsin,

they've been married
months.

He's a TV repairman.

She's a directory
assistance operator.

Meet Roland
and Mona Squab!

[APPLAUSE]

And their opponents
from Chicago, Illinois,

married months.

He's a banker.
She's a bankette.

Meet lovebirds
Steve and Marcie Rhoades.

[APPLAUSE]

God, I love you.

Come on now,
Mr. Rhoades.

Leave the lovely
Zelda alone.

Who knows where
she's been?

Okay, any questions
before we get to our game?

Uh, yeah.

Hey, Bink, do you
know Bob Barker?

Okay.

Let's play How
Do I Love Thee?

Lovely Zelda,
will you take our wives

over to our
love test area?

Right, Bink.

We can't bear
to be apart.

AUDIENCE: Aww...

Mr. Rhoades, would you like
to kiss your wife goodbye?

Only if it really
was goodbye.

Okay, husbands, now, we know
you love your little fillies.

Let's see how much you love
our first little prize.

What's the prize,
lovely Zelda?

It's a bowling ball, Bink.

A pretty one.

Okay, hubbies,
let's earn those balls.

Now, the man who's willing
to set aside his love

and spin his wife
the fastest

wins the ball.

Uh, Steve, remember, honey,
you already have a bowling ball.

Ready to spin, Bink!

Now, remember the coin toss,
Steve.

Roland won the right
to go first.

Roland?

It's for
a bowling ball, dear.

You deserve it.

[***]

I couldn't bear to see her
up there like that, Bink.

You came to play,
Roland.

Steve, do you think you
can b*at / of a turn?

Well, let us see,
shall we?

Uh...Steve, it won't
take much to win now.

All you have to do
is spin me--

Aah!

Aah!

Whoa! You really like
bowling, eh, Steve?

Well, what the hell?

It's all for fun,
right?

Give me
my bowling ball.

Looks like Marcie's
going to be spinning

for a while,

so why don't we take
a little commercial break?

Don't go away.
I know Marcie won't.

[***]

[PEG SCREAMING]

[***]

Looks like Marcie's
off the wheel.

Let's bring her out.

Over this way, Marcie.

Come on now, kids.

Marcie, your chance
is coming up right now.

Lovely Zelda,

would you like to take
our husbands backstage?

Right, Bink.

Bink, Steve won't let me touch
the lovely Zelda.

Well, then, you won't be
at the clinic getting a sh*t.

Okay, lovely Zelda, would you
like to show our ladies

What they'll
be competing for?

It's this lovely watch.

You got to wonder
what she'd do

if it was a lovely hat.

All right, ladies, would you
like that watch?

It's swell, Bink.

Marcie?

Oh, Bink, that's the prettiest
watch I've ever seen.

All my life I've wanted
a watch like that.

Nail him
to the wheel, Bink.

No wheel this time, Marcie.

Lovely Zelda,
the curtain, if you please.

We call this
a heavy problem.

Lovely Zelda, would you
bring out the fat women, please?

Now, the idea here is this.

Your wives will determine

how many of these
full-figured women

will get to sit
on top of you.

We quit, Bink.

Pour them on, Bink!

Remember, the wife
that cries "uncle" first

loses her chance
at the watch.

But Roland could be hurt.

That's what we're here for.

Do we want to talk,

or do we want
to squash some man?

AUDIENCE: Squash! Squash!

You're a lucky man.

All right, ladies,
you're in charge.

Mona, go for it.

But, Bink, they're
so...large.

God, you're dull.

All right, Marcie, want to
show her how it's done?

You betcha, Bink!
Start the herd!

That's one ton!

That's two tons!

That's three tons!

Gee, this is so much fun.
Come on, gals.

Aah!

How you doing
down there, Steve?

I can taste my spleen.

Well, Mrs. Rhoades,

looks like
you won the watch.

Hi, Mom.

You want to go
for the record?

Why not, Bink?

Here comes Bertha.

Well, it's time to
bid adieu to the Squabs.

Goodbye, Squabs.

We lost, Mona.

I don't care,
sweetheart.

I just couldn't bear
the thought of you

in the k*ller bee
booth.

[APPLAUSE]

By the way, you're
an excellent player.

Hmm. Well, we can always
use another toaster.

Well, Mrs. Rhoades,
before we total up your prizes,

let's just see if your husband
is conscious yet.

Lovely Zelda.

How are you feeling,
Mr. Rhoades?

My tongue's
a little swollen

from the bee stings,
Bink.

Well, let's take a moment here

to find out
a little bit about you.

So, Steve, you're
in the bank biz.

What's it like?

How the hell
would I know?

Ooh, irritable. Marcie?

Well, mostly we take out
these big fancy ads

telling people
to come for a loan,

and then we laugh at
them when they do.

Now, what did we win?

Let's see. You won
the bowling ball, the watch,

and, of course,

your record-breaking stay
in the k*ller bee booth

netted you a toaster,

but more important,

you're entitled
to this week's grand prize,

which is a washer/dryer!

Oh! Ha ha ha ha!

Aah!

Happy, Steve?

It's kind of hard
to talk here, Bink.

Okay.

Marcie, you can take your prizes
and go home right now,

or you can risk
what you've won so far,

send your husband back
into our t*rture chamber,

and go for
our super grand prize.

What is it? What
is it? What is it?

This brand-new car!

Ohh! Ah ha ha ha!
Ah ha ha ha!

[LAUGHING]

Why don't you
just give her a r*fle

and have her sh**t me?

Too easy, Steve.

Now, remember, if you lose,
you lose everything,

but if you win,
you win everything.

What do you think
Marcie will do?

I love it!
I love it! I love it!

Gee, Bink,
I don't know.

We'll risk it, Bink.

She's some competitor,
eh, folks?

[APPLAUSE]

Ready, Steve?

What's it going to be, Bink,

the old hand grenade
down the pants?

Spear in the pelvis?

Impale me on a fence?

Come on, Bink, don't keep me
in suspense.

The wife needs a new car.

Okay, Steve.

You and Marcie

are going to be going up against
an old married couple

who may not love each other
as much as you and your bride.

As always, we picked them

from our studio audience
for the way

they filled out
our questionnaire,

"why I hate my spouse."

From right here
in the windy city,

He's a shoe salesman.

She's a waste
of a human life.

Married years,
meet Al and Peggy Bundy!

[APPLAUSE]

Bundys, meet the Rhoades.

So, you stole our mail
and our names, huh?

How'd you find out?

Your kids sold you out
for a square meal.

How could you?

For prizes.

All right, now that you've
wished each other good luck,

gentlemen...
to your electric chairs!

[***]

I welcome death.

Steve, I didn't know

they'd have
electric chairs.

Doesn't matter,
Marcie.

Juice me till I'm ash.

They're not
getting that car.

See you on the other side,
Rhoades.

All right, ladies.

Now, when you're
turning up the dials,

remember, ease it up...
or you'll k*ll them.

Now, the one who cranks
the most juice into her hubby

gets to drive off in that car,

and, kids, remember,
don't try this at home.

Ready.

That car is ours.

You get that car
over Al's dead body.

All right, ladies,
we'll alternate.

Peggy, would you start us off?

Yaa! More!

Marcie.

Aah! Less!

We have here, here.
Do I hear ?

I don't think
I can.

A woman's place
is in the home.

Good! Good!

Hey, audience,
look at him twitch!

[APPLAUSE]

I won't go
any higher.

Will you?

No!

Aw, come on, honey.

It's for a car!

What a car.

I can't wait
to drive it.

Oh, come on, Al.

Stop sulking
and get on in here.

[TELEVISION TURNS ON]

Wow! It's so rad!

How long is he going to
be able to do that?

Well, we're not really sure,

but don't give him
any water.

Okay, kids who wants to go
for a ride in the car?

I do!
Me!

[TV TURNS OFF]

[***]