02x08 - May the Best Man Win

[bunniefuu]

(Tim) Thank you.

Oh, nonsense.
Thank you very much.

And welcome once again to Tool Time
I'm your host, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

You all know my assistant,
Al "I'm Always Free on Saturday" Borland.

Boy, am I rewed up about today's show.
We've got a k*ller project coming up.

Not some wimpy project,

but something every red-blooded kidney-
stone-passing American male dreams of.

(grunts)

And what would that be, Tim?

See! Even Al's excited about this one.

There is nothing like
renovating a house top to bottom.

Oh, yeah.

That's why this week,
today we begin our project house.

Oh, yeah.
Out with the old, in with the new.

Tear down the past, put up the future.

One of my better ideas. I don't know
how I keep thinking of this stuff, Al.

Perhaps from watching Bob Vila
every week...

Anyway, let's take a look at these.

Here are some ideas
that might give you ideas

about putting your home back in shape.
Here's your typical ' s Craftsman home.

Oh, yeah, look at that.

And here's after a crafty redo.

Ohh... look at that.

Here's your typical ' s bungalow.

(grunts) Not so nice.

Here's a beautiful remodel on that.
Hey, yeah...

And here's a little shack I found.

And look what I did to it over the weekend
without any help from Al.

(sitar)

Well, what do you think?
Can we put the kids in the middle?

Tim, this could be a little tricky,
but once we demolish the kitchen counter

in the project house,
we'll have about three extra feet...

Al, Al, which tie do you like better?
Red or blue?

Are you listening to me? This is important.
Now, I'm saying we got about...

Why am I my even asking you?
You think flannel is hip.

Excuse me.

I don't mean to disturb you.

You're Maureen,
Mr. Binford's daughter, right?

- Very good memory, Al.
- Oh, I couldn't forget you.

At the Halloween party,
you came dressed as a toggle switch.

Yeah, well...

I went for different.

I mean, how many years in a row
can you show up as a hacksaw?

- Al, I think I'm going with the blue.
- Tim, look who's here.

- It's Maureen Binford.
- Hey, Maureen. Good to see you.

- How're you doing?
- Tim, listen, I gotta tell you.

Your show just keeps getting
better and better.

- Well, gee, thanks.
- You're welcome.

All that grunting and macho stuff.
The audience really responds...

...even the women.
Every time you screw up, they laugh.

And believe me, they laugh a lot.

And then you have your expertise
and your sex appeal with Al.

Maureen, what is it you need,
besides glasses?

Oh, thank you. Actually, I was gonna
ask you that since I'm your new producer.

Yeah...
Woah, back the truck up.

- Who made that decision?
- Daddy.

Your dad would not make a decision
like that without asking me, Maureen.

- He's been a bit preoccupied lately.
- (Tim) With what?

With the -year-old tool model
he just married.

- Your dad got married?
- To Miss Black & Decker.

And believe me, I'd like to.

- Your dad bagged Terry Louise Gardner?
- You know who she is?

Oh, yeah.
She's in the spring catalog - page .

- And most of... , yeah.
- Pretty amazing stuff.

Well, we get the catalog. So we have to
look through it, because of re... research.

I understand.

- Well, you know, the tools come in...
- Well, yeah, the tools come in every day...

Maureen, it was good
to see you here, you know.

Why don't you give her some
Tool Time hats?

- Hats.
- See you later.

Oh, no, no, no...
I'm gonna be here a lot.

Did I forget to mention?
Producer!

Are you serious?

Is this your dad's way of telling me
I'm not doing my job?

Oh, no. He thinks you're doing a great job.
And so do I.

I'm missing something here,
you know. We don't need a producer.

- I run this show.
- Well, that was before.

But now Daddy made me producer.
And so now I'll be running the show.

Well, there's some extra offices
right down...

Shut up, Al!

I don't want to give you the impression
I don't appreciate you coming down,

because I really do. But Tool Time really
runs pretty smoothly the way it is now.

So if you came down here
and you had nothing to do,

we'd have no reason to have Al.

You're so funny.
You see, that's what I'm saying.

We are a winning combo.
And I know I can make our show better.

- "Our" show?
- Yeah. Like with the project house.

You know, your patio idea is OK.
But let's say we open it up.

- Ah...
- All right...

We add a few French doors for light.

Voila, we've got ourselves
a breakfast nook.

Are you crazy? This is Tool Time
Men don't eat in a nook.

You never ever hear -pound
construction workers going,

"Charlie, John, stop by the house.
I just made fresh muffins."

"We'll eat it in the nook."

- Well, a muffin in a nook would be cozy.
- Shut up, Al.

We already have all the materials
bought for this project presently.

You just can't change the blueprints
on a whim.

Oh, now don't be such a gloomy Gus.

It's never too late.
Just think about it.

Toodles.

Who the hell does she think she is,

waltzing in here
and trying to take over the show?

I'm calling Binford.

Once I tell him what I think on the phone,
he'll fly back tonight.

Tim, Tim...

take another look at page ... and .

(both) He's not coming back.

Mom, we're starving.
Tell us where you hid the cookies.

Mom, come on.
We're not having dinner for an hour.

(Mark) What are you eating, Mom?

Nothing.

- Hey, that was a Hoop-Dee-Ho.
- Was not.

- Let me smell your breath.
- Hey!

There will be no breath smelling.

You're so desperate for a snack,
go get some raisins.

Right. Then we can have
some salad and a multivitamin.

- (Jill chuckles)
- (phone ringing)

Come on, guys.
We need to find those Hoop-Dee-Hos.

Mark, check the dryer.
Randy, the bookshelf.

No, you doof.
That's where she hid them the last time.

Well, then, check the TV cabinet.

Hey, come on. Don't wreck the house.
Yes, I think I could do that. Uh-huh.

All I found in the dryer was some lint.

Yeah, well, thank you so much. Bye.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Guess what!

I got a job. I got a job at
Inside Detroit magazine.

Yes! All right!

- Good job. Way to go, Mom!
- Way to go, Mom.

Yeah, I start tomorrow!

(whispering) All right, she's not
gonna be home after school.

- Freedom.
- Yes!

- I heard that.
- Huh?

I'm only gonna be gone a week,
and I will know everything you do,

everywhere you go
and everything you think.

Let's go upstairs
and look for the cookies.

Mark, isn't it exciting?
Mommy's gonna go work at a magazine.

Who's gonna take care of us?

Honey, Mommy and Daddy
are still gonna take care of you.

Why do you have to go to work?

- Because I think it'll be fun.
- Don't you have fun at home?

Sure I do. But, you know,

sometimes you gotta go outside the house
and have a different kind of fun.

You know, like, um, what you get to do
when you go to school.

I have fun at recess.

Right. Mommy getting out of the house
and going to work

is exactly like recess.

(Brad) Mark, get up here!
We need you to crawl into the attic!

OK!

There are no Hoop-Dee-Hos in the attic!

(door opens)

- Oh, hi, honey.
- Man, what a day.

I have great news.

- Wait'll I tell you what Binford did.
- No, no, no. My news first.

Guess what.

Remember that interview that Karen
set up for me at Inside Detroit magazine?

- No.
- Oh, yes, you do.

Yes, you do, yes, you do.
The researchers job.

They loved me, they loved my résumé.
I got the job.

- Hey, that's great.
- It's only a temporary thing, you know.

I'm just gonna work for a week.
But I have to be there tomorrow at : .

- Tomorrow?
- Yeah, yeah.

So I need you to get the boys off to school.

I gotta be at the project house
first thing in the morning.

Well, I have to be at the office.
I have to be at the office.

Can't you tell them
you're gonna be late?

No, no way. I can't do that.
It's my first day of work.

Honey, if you show up whenever they
want, they'll start taking advantage of you.

Listen, Tim, I have a million things
that I have to do, you know.

- Jill, you don't understand.
- I have to go to the dry cleaners...

...and get my jacket.
- Hold it a minute. Jill...

- Then I have to go to the grocery store...
- Binford ran off with page .

Oh, and I gotta go by Karen's and get
a briefcase 'cause I don't have one...

...and I want to look professional.
- Toodles is taking over Tool Time

You have to cook dinner tonight.
I'm really sorry.

But there's a chicken in there.
It's only gonna take an hour and a half.

- Toodles.
- You got the potatoes and the vegetables.

Oh, oh, I'm gonna make the boys' school
lunches tonight before I go to bed.

I'll see you later. Bye-bye.

Bye, hon.

It's been the worst day of my life.
Thanks for listening.

Dad, how come you didn't make your
famous chocolate-chip pancakes?

Because I didn't have time to make 'em.
Just eat your cereal, will ya?

Well, Mom usually slices up bananas.
Why don't you?

Because I don't love you
as much as Mom does.

OK, boys. Are you ready for school?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, whatever.

All right now. Mark, Mrs. Johnson
is gonna take you to Cub Scouts.

Please don't leave your hat
at school again, OK?

Brad, you're going home with Billy
after football practice.

Randy, your dad's gonna pick you up
after detention.

Oh, you don't have any bananas!

Here, let me slice some up for you.
Come here.

Thanks, Mom.

This is so weird, you know.
I mean, I get to go to work and everything,

but I don't get to be here
when you kids get home from school.

I keep thinking of that first day
that I walked you to kindergarten, Brad.

You know, you went up those stairs
and turned around

waved your little chubby hand and said,

(feigns crying) "B'bye, Mommy."

"B'bye, Mommy."

- Oh, come on. Stop, stop.
- I could walk you to work, Mommy.

Aw, that is so sweet.

Jill, come on, get going.
You're gonna be late. Come on, come on.

- Bye, bye. Bye-bye.
- Bye, Mom.

- Good luck, honey.
- Good luck at the project house.

I love this. I'm wishing you luck.
You're wishing me luck.

- Go, go, go.
- Whoo-hoo! OK!

- Bye, Mom.
- Bye-bye!

- Have fun.
- Oh, hi, Al. Bye.

- (horn honks)
- Hey, kids, the bus is here!

The bus is here. Come on, bus, bus.
Go, get your lunches.

Come on. Get your backpacks.

- Have fun at detention, son.
- Thanks, Dad.

- Bye, boys.
- Bye, Al.

- Are you ready, Tim?
- Hey, Al. Good to see you.

I want to get going in a hurry.
I want to get to the project house

before Maureen gets there.

- She's already there.
- You're kidding.

Well, when I drove by, she was showing
the crew where the breakfast nook will be.

What? I told her no breakfast nook!

I know. But I just think
maybe you should give Mo a chance.

Mo? A little nickname now?

What are you called? Aaa?

- Mo has some very good ideas.
- Oh, has Mo?

Well, yes. You know, yesterday
when we were having coffee together...

Having coffee together? Al, what has
turned you against me all of a sudden?

Haven't I always treated you like a brother?

- No.
- A good friend.

Good?

Well, Al, I'm your boss. I gotta keep
a professional distance from you.

- All I'm saying is that...
- What the hell do you have on?

Well, Mo says sometimes I tend
to blend into the background.

You're supposed to blend
into the background.

Well, if you don't like the shirt, Tim, fine.
I'm not forcing you to wear one.

Well, good, because now we won't
be mistaken for the Beach Boys.

So the parrot says,
"Forget the cr*cker. I want a lawyer!"

- Hey, Tim. Hi.
- Whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait.

What's with the French doors? I thought
we decided there'd be no nook.

Nook-free. No nook. Nookless.

- All right. We'll talk about it later.
- No, Maureen.

I think I wanna talk about it right now.
This is my project house,

my show and my crew.

- Light cream, no sugar?
- You remembered.

Al, do you mind?

All right, everybody, let's get started. I need
you to bring that camera right over here,

and I want to get a nice shot
of the front porch.

Leave the camera right where it is. We're
gonna do this shot with me on the roof.

Tim, Tim, Tim, not a good idea.

Mo, let's get something straight here.
This is Tool Time

It's a man's show, dangerous,
kind of devil-may-care.

We'll do the shot with me up on the roof.

OK.

- The roof is unsafe.
- Now you're an expert on roofs, Maureen?

Well, no, not really, but I've been inside,

and I do know that those one-by-fours
are too far apart.

(inquisitive grunt)

Take a look at that sheathing.
There's rot everywhere.

Maureen, I think I can tell the difference
between a safe and an unsafe roof.

Al, you following me up here?

I don't think so, Tim.

Oh, fine.

- This sun is really drying my skin out.
- You know, I have some moisturizer.

Shut up, Al!

Is there anything I can do for you
down here, Tim?

Yeah, why don't you get your ukulele?
You can start the luau.

All right, everybody. Let's roll!

Hi. Welcome to Tool Time

As you can see, our ranch home
needs a lot of work, especially the roof.

Now, you wanna have a professional
examine any weak or discolored areas

like these, and make sure
they're properly attended to.

For now, we'll just hop over these
to a safer area.

(creak)

It's a little weak here.
You wanna avoid this area, too.

Aah!

(crash)

(Tim yelling)

Hey, Wilson. What are you doing?

I'm gathering herbs.

A warm bath of eucalyptus and rosemary
can be quite invigorating.

(grunts) Sounds very aromatic, yeah.

I had a really bad day.
Maybe I should try some of that.

Darn good idea. Well, I'll see ya.

Hold it, Wilson.
I gotta ask you something.

Well, maybe we can do this
tomorrow, Tim?

No, no. I need to ask you right now. Um...

It seems like everything in my life
is up in the air.

- Everything's changing.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Well, there's this woman
that came into Tool Time

- She's trying to take it over.
- Mm-hmm.

And... Well, I've made Tool Time
a success, you know, over three years.

And I don't think it needs any change.

Well, Tim...

sometimes change...

can be a good thing.

- Good night.
- Wait, wait, wait. Wilson?

(door slams shut)

Yeah, sure. I'll be right there.
Bye.

- Hey, Brad, can I talk to you for a minute?
- Sorry, Dad.

- I told Jennifer I'd be right there.
- Oh.

Hey, buddy, Mark.
I need to talk to somebody.

You can always talk to me.

Good. Come sit down here for a minute.

Come here.
I'm gonna try to work this out, OK?

Let's say you got this business.

Uh, bubblegum factories.
Somebody comes in and tries...

- Do I have cherry bubblegum?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Probably racks of the best they have.
Of course, a lot of that cherry bubblegum.

- Anyway, so...
- Do I have baseball cards?

Yeah, you got baseball cards.

You've got a little assistant
with a little beard. Whatever you want.

You got everything. Anyway, so...
you got this bubblegum factory -

cherry bubblegum and the baseball stuff -

and this girl comes in, tries to run things.

You know, you've been running it for quite
a while and made a big success out of it.

But this little red-headed little...

you know, little nice little girl,
she comes in and takes over.

What do you do?

I tell Mommy.

But Mommy's not home, is she?

And so the girl takes over
your bubblegum factory.

- You know, it's just the way life is, Mark.
- Yeah.

Can I go play now?

Yeah, go play. I'll fix dinner.

Hi, honey.

Oh, Tim! I am so good.

I had the best first day.

I mean, I didn't get lost.
I didn't screw anything up.

Not one person yelled at me.

And get this, get this.
Look at this. Check it out.

My own electronic security card.

I mean, I think I may even hold on
to this job longer than a week.

You know, this is great.
I'm so proud of you, hon.

What's the matter with you?
You're limping.

- I fell through a roof.
- What?

Yeah, right through the subfloor.
Luckily the basement broke my fall.

Oh, honey, are you all right?

- Yeah, my leg's OK.
- It's my life that's wrecked.

- What do you mean?
- Everything seems to be changing for me.

You went to work. Wilson's taking a bath.
Al looks like Don Ho.

Now, wait a minute.
What are you talking about?

I told you this yesterday.
Binford went and got married to a model

and left the whole Tool Time thing
in charge of his daughter Maureen.

So, she's got... Mm.

She's got everybody working
against me - Al, the crew.

This woman's trying
to take over Tool Time

Well, she can't do that.
I mean, you spent the last three years

...making Tool Time a success.
- That's right.

You're the only reason
anybody watches that show.

That's right.

- Well, who the hell does she think she is?
- Maureen Binford.

Wait a minute. Is she the one
that always comes to the Halloween party

...dressed like a hacksaw?
- Hacksaw, yeah.

Little red-headed thing, about this big?

Yeah.

I can take her.

- Jill.
- I've got pounds on her.

I'm gonna hunt her down.

- Honey.
- Hey!

She messes with you,
she messes with me.

I... Maybe I'm wrong,
but I think we're overreacting.

I don't think you gotta hurt the woman.

You think so?

But the fact that you think like this
makes me feel a lot better.

- Really?
- Really.

You know, Lefty, you're one great broad.

You're not such a bad mug yourself,
you big palooka.

- You know, I got a better idea.
- What?

I think I can outsmart her.
Use my brain.

Aw, come on. Let me beat her up.

Tim.

Tim.

I think you're being a gloomy gus again.

Is that what you think, Al?

I just think Maureen is trying
to make this show better.

Really? Is this what you call better?

What's next? Grass skirts, hula hoops?
Roller skates, dollhouses?

- Well, whatever the boss wants.
- She's not the boss.

I'll tell you something else.
I think I outsmarted her.

We won't be seeing her for about a week
'cause I sent her on this promotional buy.

She's gonna sell our sweatshirts,
T-shirts, pins, that sort of stuff.

- Hi, guys.
- Hi, boss.

- How are my two stars?
- We're fine.

- Tim, I'm leaving for Chicago.
- Really?

Yeah, I went with your concept,

and I'm gonna be pushing
our sweatshirt line at the hardware show.

- I'm gonna be gone about a week.
- We're gonna miss you.

- Thanks.
- Toodles.

Oh, listen, I almost forgot.

- Here are a couple of samples.
- Oh, good. Thanks.

- Bye.
- Bye.

She bit on the bait just like a dumb bass.

She won't be around here for a week.

And now you tell me who's boss
here at Tool Time. buddy.

- Good luck, honey.
- Good luck.

Oh, I can't believe it. I'm wishing you luck,
you're wishing me luck.

- Go on, you're late. Go, go.
- Bye, Mom.

- All right, bye-bye.
- Bye.

Hi, Al. Bye, Al.

(Tim) Come on.

Let's go. The bus is here.
Go, go, go, go.

(Tim laughs)

- Ready, Tim?
- Yeah, I am.

I... just gotta get those, uh...

Just gotta get there
before Maureen gets there.

- Here, you take these, Tex.
- OK.

(man) Thank you. Moving on...

Hey!

Thank you!

(sound of horse neighing)