02x19 - Karate or Not, Here I Come

[bunniefuu]

- Does everybody know what time it is?
- Tool Time!

That's right. Binford Tools is proud
to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!

(cheers and applause)

Thank you.

Thank you.

Welcome to Tool Time
I'm your host, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

'Course, you all know my assistant,
Al "I live for Bingo" Borland.

Here on Tool Time we've showed you
many different ways to cut wood,

but nothing as fun as today.

Al, if we were gonna cut that piece of pine,
what would you select?

Well, Tim, I'd probably use
the Binford , Circular Saw.

Mm, good choice.
Ooh, but what if we had blown a fuse?

I see, we're at your house.

Well, then I'd use my trusty crosscut saw.

That's a good choice, but not today.
Today, we have something special for you.

And for that,
we have to bring out a very special guest.

And I expect a big
Tool Time round of applause

for Robert "the Human Hatchet" Cho!

(cheers and applause)

If you were to cut that piece of pine, would
you want to use a circular saw for that?

- Won't be necessary, Tim.
- Hacksaw?

- No, no.
- Coping saw?

(yells)

Here's a man who doesn't worry
about losing his house keys.

(laughs) Ha! I'm in!

Mr. Cho is here to publicize the karate
demonstration this Tuesday night

at the Fox Theater
to benefit the Children's Hospital.

That's right. Karate.
Boy, there's a sport with more power.

(grunts)

That's right, Tim.
But the secret is to channel that power

- through focus and concentration.
- Yeah. Two things I excel at.

Well, that and driving yourself
to the hospital while bleeding.

Are you saying I couldn't
break that board with my head?

Well, Tim,
he says it takes focus and concentration.

And I think we all know
which one of us has that.

You think you can
break this board with your head?

- Yes, I do.
- Oh, really?

- I don't think it's such a good idea, Al. I...
- My show here, OK?

- You're up to the challenge, right, Al?
- It's all right.

(inhales deeply)

- (yells)
- (loud cheering)

Tim, Tim.

- I don't think that you should try this.
- Hey, quiet.

- I think there's one thing that you should...
- You've said enough.

- Well, you should know...
- It's my show. I can do this.

(inhales deeply)

(hisses)

(yells pseudo-Japanese)

I was gonna say
I have studied karate. Tim.

Buford Tools... Messages...
We have them.

We'll be right back.

(yells)

(Jill) Well, what do you think?
Could we put the kids in the middle?

- Spaghetti sauce smells terrific.
- Thank you.

Honey, um, this breadstick
is too long for the bread basket.

Could you break that with your head?

- I think I can handle that. I can handle it.
- Focus.

(mumbles in pseudo-Japanese)

- Hyah!
- Ah.

- Hey, Dad. Think fast.
- Not in the house!

- You guys are jerks!
- Oh, go play in quicksand.

- Oh, shut up.
- Stop it. Come over here.

- What's going on?
- They won't let me play football with them.

- Still?
- Guys.

How many times do we have to tell you?
Let your brother play.

We were just about to put him in the game
when everyone had to go home.

- Yeah, that's right.
- You guys are lying.

Hey, hey, let me handle this.
You guys are lying.

Yeah.

Mark, get out of here for a minute.
We'll talk to them.

Stop doing that stuff.
What's the matter with you guys?

- Dad, he's a huge geek.
- That is enough.

Now listen, the next time
he wants to play, include him.

Yeah. Well, Dad, he's always running
out of bounds. He's chicken.

He's not chicken. He just doesn't have
a lot of self-confidence right now.

He's afraid of getting hit.

Well, you know,
just tell the other guys

that he has some kind of horrible rash
and they shouldn't touch him.

- Yeah, right.
- Yeah, right.

Why don't you teach him something about
football? Wouldn't that be a good idea?

Like right now. I'll teach you guys
how to go a long pass. Go long, come on.

Come on, in there. Swerve.
Now, long! Go!

Come on! Longer! Go long!

Post pattern. Go! Go!

(Brad) Dad, come on!
I'm in the bathroom!

Well, shut the door and take a shower.

I think you're right about Mark. I think
that he just has a self-confidence problem.

We should find him something
that he can be good at.

I got it. I got it. How about...

(mumbles in pseudo-Japanese)

- Flight attendant?
- Karate.

No, no.
Karate is too violent.

What about gymnastics?

That's a wonderful sport
and he won't get hurt.

He won't get hurt?
One slip on the pommel horse, boom.

- Why don't we just let Mark decide?
- There's an idea.

- Hey, Mark! Come down here!
- (Mark) Coming.

I'll just ask him which he prefers,
gymnastics or karate.

- I'll ask him.
- No, no, no. I know you.

You'll just try to influence him.
I am gonna be fair and objective.

- No tricks.
- I won't say a word.

OK, Mark. Sit down.

Your father and I
were just talking and, uh...

We think that since Brad and Randy
won't ever let you play with them,

that you should take some kind of class
where everyone gets to participate.

So, what do you think?

Do you want to take gymnastics,

or... karate?

I can take karate?

All right.

Before you decide...
Before you decide...

do you remember
when we watched the Olympics

and we saw those handsome
American gymnasts get their gold medals?

- Jill...
- Shut up!

They were standing, remember,
on that podium, so proud.

And the American flag was raised,

and "The Star-Spangled Banner"
was playing,

and America wept.

- Please!
- Remember that?

That could be you.
That could be you.

Mark Taylor, gymnast, representing
the entire United States of America.

When does he get
his Congressional Medal of Honor?

Or you could take karate and, you know,
probably lose some teeth.

Or slip on a pommel horse
and squish your little...

Tim... don't try to influence him.

I've just got one thing to say to you.

(yells in pseudo-Japanese)
Tanaka Mothra!

- Karate!
- All right!

(Mark) Yes!

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

- OK, everyone stand up.
- (all) Yes, sensei.

Push back.

I'm gonna show you a little piece of the
demonstration I'm gonna do this weekend.

(Cho yells)

- Tim?
- Yeah?

- Having a muscle spasm?
- No, I was working some karate moves.

Oh, is that what that was?

You OK?

OK, class. Line up.
Yes, sensei?

Yes, sensei.

Horse stance, one.
Hands out.

(Jill) Hi.

Hi, Mark.

Kids don't wave at their moms
during karate class.

Fighting stance.
Ready? Loud.

Ich, ni, san, hyah!

Look at that.
He's got his fists clenched so tight

his little knuckles are turning white.
Couldn't he... loosen that up some?

Oh, yeah.
Loose fist makes a very effective w*apon.

That's how come boxers
always come together with the referee.

"All right, guys.
Come out slapping."

"Take that, you big mean man.
Take that, take that."

Stop it.

He does look real cute doing this.

Well, I don't know.

Maybe karate's not so bad after all.
It seems pretty harmless.

I really should get home and start dinner.
I'll see you later.

- See you later.
- Bye.

Now we're gonna do some free fighting.
Push back.

- Free fighting? What is that?
- It's just a term.

So is "cracked fibula."

I've asked two boys from my advanced
class to come do a demonstration for you.

Face each other. Bow.
Fighting stance.

(yelling)

(Cho) Two, three. Ah-ya!

(yelling)

- Ah-ya!
- This is what you have to look forward to.

I don't think so.
It's pommel horse time.

Come on. Sit down. These are
the experienced. The advanced class.

Mark won't be able
to k*ll anybody till he's or or .

Oh, that's comforting.

Everyone, stand up.
Get a partner, quick.

Grab a partner.
Let's go. Let's go.

You two, up front.

Hey, this isn't fair.

- That kid's way bigger than Mark.
- Shh.

All right, Artie.
Get ready to kick some butt, huh?

Boy, there's a mom you could love, huh?

Yeah, that butt she wants kicked is Mark's.

It's just an exercise. Mark, go on.
Come on, buddy.

One, two! That's it, see?
Keep your hands up.

Did you see that? That kid slapped him
when the teacher wasn't looking.

Mark, let it go, buddy. Let it go.
Focus, come on.

- (Cho) High block, knife hand. One, two!
- Artie, grind him up, huh?

Excuse me. Ma'am, um...

I don't think you should be encouraging
your child in this sort of behavior.

- What are you talking about?
- Well, he just slapped my boy.

It's karate class.
That's what it's all about.

No. Slapping is not what it is all about.

Hey, if stick boy can't take it,
get him out of here.

He did it again! Hey, come on.
Tell your kid to stop playing dirty.

Listen, they are just having fun.

Artie is not gonna hurt stick boy.

Would you stop calling my kid "stick boy"?

Then feed him something.

Face it, lady. Your kid's a weenie.
Artie just gave him a little tap.

Well, how would you like it
if somebody gave you a little tap, huh?

Is that fun?

- Don't touch me, lady.
- Hey, don't shove me.

Get out of my face.

Why don't you tell that
to your breakfast doughnut?

Hey, hey, honey. Stop it!

Hyah!

- You OK, Dad?
- Yeah.

Let me go tell
Brad and Randy what happened.

No, don't.

- Brad, Randy!
- I can't believe it.

I am so ashamed
that I got into a fight with that woman.

You were just trying to protect our son.

Well, it was the karate class.

How can you not be violent when
everybody around you is going...

hey-ha, ho, ya-ya!

Hey, Dad. I heard a woman
slugged you with her purse?

What happened,
she wouldn't let you borrow her makeup?

Son, you want to say that
one more time to me?

No.

Quit teasing your dad.
It's my fault.

I got into a fight with this woman.

- Oh, Mom, that's great!
- No, it is not great.

- So, Dad, how'd she do?
- She was awesome.

She stepped right in there,
face to face, toe to toe. It was great.

It was stupid,
and it never would have happened

if that woman had just
stopped her son from hitting Mark.

Ooh, little Mark needs Mommy
to fight his battles.

Shut up!

- (Tim) Cut it out. Stop it.
- Guys, stop it!

- Stop that! Come here!
- Hey, when I tell you to stop, stop!

You better watch out.
Another week of karate class,

he'll be wiping the floor
with you two guys.

- Yeah, right. Look at him.
- No!

Why are you all
so fascinated with fighting?

I don't want anybody to beat anybody up.

What is wrong with you people?
You make me sick.

I just want you to love each other,
you big bunch of jerks!

Are you satisfied?
I mean, she's talking to you two.

You bummed her out. All she wants is
us to show a little respect to one another.

- Is that too much to ask?
- Dad, we're sorry.

Yeah, we'll try.

(both) Dad got hit by a girl!
Dad got hit by a girl!

I know where you both live!

And that's the proper way
to repair a mortise and tenon joint.

- Good job, Al.
- Thank you, Tim.

Now, if we were building a coffin,

would we have to build
a rigor mortis and tenon joint?

I don't think so, Tim.

Almost out of time, Al.
Just enough time for "Camouflage Corner."

"Camouflage Corner"?

- Yeah. Didn't you get that memo?
- No.

Must have been camouflaged.

Normally when we think of camouflage,
we think of military.

Now this is your typical
military soldier's tiger camouflage.

Now here's that same soldier
in a Costa Rican jungle.

Where is he? Where is he?
I can't even see him!

He could be looking at me right now!
I'm so scared!

Al, there's also applications in your yard.
That tool shed of yours?

A little unsightly out there in the backyard.
All right.

Now, here's a way to camouflage.
You can hardly even tell it's there now.

- Think you've finally lost it, Tim.
- I'm just joking around, Al.

Actually, camouflage has many
applications, even around the house.

Lisa, bring that out, please.
Let's take wallpaper.

Wallpaper can be used to decorate a wall
or disguise an unsightly wall switch.

Now see, can you find the switch here, Al?

Well, they're usually...
They're usually right along the...

Not as easy as it looks, is it, Al?

That's camouflage for you.
Woop!

This is ridiculous, Tim.
I don't want to be a part of this anymore.

I'm sorry, Al.
Just trying to make a point.

Here, put these away for me, will you?
Come on. Put 'em...

Just grab them, Al.
Grab the darn things, Al.

Al? Hey, Al, where'd you go?

(Tim) Al!

Al!

All right, one more time. Ready?
Fighting position.

(both) Ich, ni, san, hyah!

Again, again, again.
Fighting position.

(both) Ich, ni, san, hyah!

- That's good.
- Let's do it again.

No, I don't want to wear you out
before class.

- I'm not tired.
- Oh, you're tired. I know when you're tired!

I can tell just by looking at you.

- Hi-ho, neighbor.
- Hi, Wilson. How are you?

- You all right there?
- I'm great.

I got him in a karate class.
We're out here to practice moves.

Oh, yes, karate does build up the stamina.

Yeah.

Jill thinks I have him taking the karate
class so it'll teach him how to fight.

Oh, so Jill thinks
you have a predilection for aggression.

- Predilection?
- Let's just say proclivity.

- Proclivity? What else you got?
- How about inclination?

Inclination, yeah.
Well, that's what she thinks, anyway.

But you're not actually
encouraging Mark to fight.

No. I just want him
to be able to stand up for himself.

If he gets in a bad situation, I'd like him
to be able to kick butt in a major way.

- But every dad wants that, you know.
- Gandhi's dad didn't.

Well, maybe Gandhi
was a major disappointment to his dad.

Maybe Gandhi didn't eat because
he wouldn't fight kids for his lunch money.

How about that?

Tim, are we talking about
the same Gandhi?

Not unless he went
to my elementary school.

You see, when I was that age,

if I couldn't wisecrack my way
out of a situation, sometimes I'd run.

And I'm thinking that karate

would give Mark, you know,
the ability to stand up for himself.

Well, Tim, I'm reminded of
what the Greek historian Herodotus said:

"Where wisdom is called for,
force is of little use."

Of course wisdom is the best way to go.

But when a fat kid is slapping you around,

you don't have time to be thinking about
reciting the state capitals alphabetically.

Well, that's interesting.
Albany, Annapolis, Atlanta...

- Wilson. Wilson!
- Augusta, Austin, Baton Rouge...

- You got a minute?
- Oh, I'm sorry, neighbor.

Do you think it's a bad idea
to teach the kid karate?

You just have to remember that when you
give a boy a w*apon like karate,

that he's mature enough
to know when to use it.

- Yeah, he is a little kid, isn't he?
- Mm-hm.

- Have a good day.
- Mm-hm.

Bismarck, Boise, Boston, Carson City...

Charleston! Cheyenne, Columbia...

- Dad, is Mom coming?
- No.

What are we gonna do
in case there's trouble?

- There's not gonna be any trouble.
- Bow.

If Artie pushes me,
I'm gonna give him a karate chop.

You're not ready to karate chop anybody
yet. You don't know enough about karate.

But you're learning.
You're gonna know pretty soon.

- Then I'll beat him up, I guess.
- No, no, no, no, no.

With guys like Artie, once they know
that you have the skill

to actually beat them up, you don't have to.

Then you have the confidence
to just stand there,

and they walk away, you know?

Karate does give you more power,

but it's wisdom that teaches you
when to use the power.

That's according to Greek historian,
Hippopotamus.

What are we gonna do
in case he pushes me today?

Just wave those socks in front of him.

- Boy.
- Dad, come on.

- You got a fish in there?
- Dad.

- Recite the state capitals.
- I don't know them.

- Then walk away from it, OK?
- OK.

Have fun. That's the key here. Fun.
Concentrate. Have a good time.

- Hi.
- How you doing?

- Boy, these kids love this, don't they?
- Yeah.

I could have used
a class like this when I was a kid.

- You and me both. Who are you with?
- Artie.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I don't want butterball
to mess with my kid today, OK?

Well, you don't have to be
so mean about it.

Look, I'm just saying
I don't want Artie touching my kid.

And if anybody calls my kid "stick boy,"
there's gonna be some big trouble.

Look, if you've got
a problem with my nephew,

- maybe you'd better talk to his father.
- His father?

Hey, Roy!

- That's his father?
- Yeah.

Why aren't you his father?

- Hey, Mike. What's up?
- This guy here... What's your name?

Borland. Al Borland.

Al said if Artie touches stick boy,
there's going to be big trouble.

Did I say it like that? With hostility
like that? It didn't come out...

Wait a minute.
My wife told me about you.

You're married to that loudmouth.

Yeah, that's her.

- I don't like anyone threatening my son.
- Don't crowd me.

What are you gonna do about it?

Atlanta, Austin,

Afghanistan...

- So you're a wise guy, huh?
- Hey, hey, hey.

- Hey, leave my father alone.
- Mark, I can handle this. Mark!

- Ich, ni, san, hyah!
- Mark, come on. Mark.

- Back off, stick boy.
- Hey, don't push my kid like that.

- Like you're gonna stop me.
- Yeah.

Hold on a minute!
Hold on a minute!

See, Mark?
I should have walked away.

(Tim) That was your best shot?

(gasps) Better Better

(rings)

No. No, I understand, Mr. Cho.
It's fine.

OK. Bye-bye.

- I'm taking Mark to karate class.
- No, you're not.

That was Mr. Cho.
He's moving Mark into a different class.

All right, advanced class, huh?

That was all those little extra lessons
I've been doing with him. Ha!

No, Tim.
Mr. Cho is not moving him up.

There's another beginners' class that starts
in two weeks. He's gonna put him in that.

- Why?
- He says that we don't understand

- the basic philosophy behind karate.
- What?

Yeah. He thinks that we have
a lot of... pent-up hostility.

That's crazy.
I'm gonna get that idiot on the phone.

He has a point, you know. Every time we
took Mark to class, one of us hit somebody.

Well, you started it, though.

I got a way that we can...
let off some steam.

Ohh, ohh.

It'll put us in great shape
for Mark's next karate class.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Ho, ho, ho.

- Focus.
- Yeah.

- Yah, Mothra!
- Ahchoo!

Frankfort, Harrisburg,
Hartford, Helena, Honolulu,

Indianapolis, Jackson, Jefferson City,

Juneau, Lansing, Lincoln, Little Rock,

Madison, Montgomery, Montpelier,

Nashville, Oklahoma City,
Olympia, Phoenix,

Pierre, Providence, Raleigh, Richmond,

Sacramento, Salem, Salt Lake City,

Santa Fe, Springfield, St. Paul,

Tallahassee, Topeka, and Trenton.

Albany, Atlanta...

(laughing)