02x22 - Ex Marks the Spot

[bunniefuu]

Welcome back to Tool Time

Oh, spring is in the air, isn't it?

(inhales) Birds are chirpin'.
Flowers are growin'. Bees are buzzin'.

(fly buzzing)

And your wife is whispering
something soft in your ear, like:

"Hey, you big ape.
Get up off that couch and paint the house!"

I'm not shutting any game off
until I can paint the house a man's way.

That'd be using a compressor. Oh, yeah.

That's right, but before you spray,
you want to prepare your surface.

That's right, Al. And that's why today, Al
and I will be doing our Tool Time salute...

(Velcro rips)

...to stripping.

(music)

(audience whoops)

(Tim) Excuse me, Al.

(Jill) Well, what do you think?
Could we put the kids in the middle?

Tim, that's the last pretzel.

Can you break it in half?

Thanks.

I was thinking about you. You know
how salt makes you retain water, buddy.

I think that woman
recognizes me from the show.

Sit down, sit down, sit down.
I know who that is. Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.

It's Stacey Lewis.
I dated her all through high school.

- No kidding?
- Don't look around.

I don't want her coming over here.
I, like, dumped her, like, years ago.

- So?
- So, I don't think I ever called to tell her.

Well, that wasn't very nice.

I was . I was immature back then.
I couldn't face things.

Let's sneak out of here.

- Tim.
- It's about : .

Tim.

- Tim, it's me, Stacey Lewis.
- Stacey Lewis, hey. You look great.

I haven't spoken to you since high school.

Has it been that long?

- Stacey Lewis, Al Borland.
- Hi. Al Borland.

Hi.

So, Tim. Gosh, what have you been up to?

Uh, I've a tool show on cable, Tool Time

Timmy Taylor has a tool show.

But you were the guy
who blew out all the windows in shop.

He does that for a living now.

Would you like to join us?

- Um, yeah, just for a second. Sure.
- Great.

So, Stacey. What... What have you
been doing all these years? What's up?

- Well, I'm an attorney.
- Hey.

I have a practice in Ann Arbor,
but I'm moving back to Detroit.

Great. Great. Did you get married?

As a matter of fact, I married a guy
who had a lot of your qualities.

- Lucky girl.
- The divorce was final last Thursday.

Well, how about you?
Did you ever get married?

Yes. Yes. I've been married
unforgettable years.

- .
- .

Jill is a terrific woman.

Do you know that Tim and I were
quite the item until he went off to college?

Then I heard
he started dating some bimbo.

That would be Jill.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's OK.

You know, someday I would love to meet
the woman who stole you away from me.

Now, there's a good idea.

Stacey Lewis.

Tim Taylor.

Al Borland.

Gee, I gotta get going.

I have to meet a real-estate broker.
I'm looking at a house over in Edgewood.

Edgewood? Well, you know,
that's right where Tim lives now.

You know, maybe you
could get together afterwards.

Ooh, I would love to, but,
you know, I'm pressed for time.

Aw, shucks! 'Cause I'm sure Jill
would have loved to have met you.

Well, maybe you could
just stop by for a minute.

She said she was busy, didn't she, Al?

Yeah, I am.

- But, Al, pleasure meeting you.
- Same here.

- Stacey, it really was good to see you.
- It was great running into you, Tim.

- Good luck finding a house.
- Thanks. Take care.

You too.

Bye.

- So... The old girlfriend.
- What the hell's the matter with you?

- What?
- I don't want Jill meeting her.

Why not?

In college, Jill wouldn't get serious with me
until I ended my relationship with Stacey.

I didn't know how to tell her, so I didn't
call her. But I told Jill that I did call her.

- That was a fib, Tim.
- Al, that was a big fat lie.

Well, why did you tell Stacey
that Jill would love to meet her?

Because I'm being polite. People say
things they don't mean all the time.

- I'm sorry. Next time I'll stay out of it.
- Why don't you.

Well, here, let me get this.

- Picking up the check, huh?
- No, I was just being polite.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi. Would you come over and help me?

I gotta get a few more of these balloons
blown up for the cub scout banquet.

OK.

- How was your day?
- Oh, great, great day today.

- Yeah? Nothing unusual happen?
- No.

Didn't run into an old girlfriend, perhaps?

(balloon squeaks)

That blabbermouth Borland
was on the phone, wasn't he?

No. Stacey Lewis called here.

She said that she'd like
to take you up on your offer.

(releases helium)

(voice goes up a couple octaves) I didn't
give her any offer. What kind of offer?

I did not give her any offers.

She was in the area.

- I asked her to drop by.
- You don't want to meet her.

Oh, yes. I would love
to meet the famous Stacey Lewis.

The love of your high-school life.
Is she, uh, pretty?

Come on. How pretty can she be?
She's almost your age.

(sarcastic laugh)

- Hey, Mom. We found Dad's yearbook.
- Oh, good. Let me see.

Let me see. Where is she?

- Stacey Lewis is a babe.
- Yeah, she's skinny, Mom.

Well, everybody's skinny when they're .

- Look what she wrote to Dad.
- Where is it?

"You've made senior year heavenly.
You are the grooviest."

"You'll always be my love muffin."

(doorbell rings)

All right! Dad's other chick.

Go answer the door, "love muffin."

You'd better watch it, or maybe
the next time that Jennifer comes over,

I'll show her that little baby picture
of you standing up in the bathtub.

Stace, come on in. Come on in. Welcome
to the house. Let me take your coat here.

Right, boys. Front and center.
I want you to meet an old friend of mine.

These are my boys.
That's Mark, Randy, and Brad.

- (boys) Hi.
- Hi.

And here's Jill Taylor, my lovely,
beautiful, talented wife of years.

- .
- years.

- Nice to meet you.
- A pleasure.

Did you ever kiss my dad?

I don't really think
that's any of your business, is it?

- Hey, why don't we go outside and play.
- (boys) Oh, come on, Dad.

Hey! Come on. Now. Hide-and-seek.
And don't look for each other.

Great-looking kids.
They must get that from you, Jill.

Oh, they do. Thank you, thank you.

So...

Jill.

Stacey.

Tim.

- Would you like a drink?
- Oh, club soda would be great.

(Mark) Dad! Help!

I should go check,
see if he's getting hurt out there.

That's good. It'll give us a chance
to talk about you behind your back.

Oh, he's all right. He's all right.

- Does it all the time.
- (Mark) Dad! Help!

Would you go out there?

- Help! Help!
- What?

- Help!
- OK. Look, I can't even guess.

Why are you sitting on him?

The lawn chair was wet.

Come on. Come on.
Just don't let him sit on you next time.

- Brad, you're a poop head.
- Stop! Stop! Hey! Hey!

Hey, Dad. Mom and your girlfriend
are talking on the couch.

- She's not my girlfriend.
- Yeah. Whatever you say, "love muffin."

Get away from the window.
That's not prop... Get... Move over.

There's something you don't want to see.
Your ex-girlfriend and wife getting friendly.

And why is that?

Well, they'll start exchanging stories,
making up stupid things about me.

And you think that's
what they're doing now?

I think I'm in the clear.
I think it's just a little small talk.

If they were telling embarrassing stories,
they'd be laughing.

Well...

- Hey.
- I'm telling you, it's true.

What's so funny?

- We were just talking about you.
- Yeah?

- Now, Stacey...
- Excuse me.

Oh, well, you're excused. Now, Stacey,
I want you to tell me something.

Back then, when he walked by,
like, a hardware store,

did he make unusual noises?

You mean, like, "Ooh. Ooh"?

- That's the one.
- You mean he hasn't outgrown that yet?

(grunts) No, no, no.

Stacey, I gotta tell you,

I have always felt so awkward
about what happened all those years ago

- with you and Tim and me...
- Honey, come on, come on.

This is water under the bridge, isn't it?
Water under the bridge.

Down the river, through the village,
past the treatment point, out to sea.

Well, it wouldn't have been so bad
if I'd just known it was over.

- Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

He told me that he told you that
he called you, and told you that it was over.

Why are we dragging up
all these old memories?

- No, he never called.
- You never called her?

- I thought you were better than that.
- I'm not.

(doorbell rings)

- I'll get it.
- Oh, you know what?

I should be going too.
I gotta meet that Realtor.

- Wait. Can't you stay a little bit longer?
- She's gotta go, honey.

- Hey, Al.
- Hi, Tim.

- Come on in. What's up?
- Hi, Al.

Hi. Hi, Jill. I was just
stopping by to pick up my helium t*nk.

Oh, hi.

- Stacey, right?
- Right.

- Al Borland. Tim's friend.
- Yes.

Yeah. We met this afternoon.
We were in the bar.

- Right. I remember.
- Yeah.

So, did you get a chance
to take a look at that house?

Oh, as a matter of fact,
I was just on my way there now.

- Palmer Avenue.
- Oh, right.

She must be looking
at that two-story Craftsman.

You know, you'll wanna
check the foundation.

Make sure that there's
not any cracks in the mortar joints.

Al knows everything
there is to know about construction.

- Gee, maybe I should go with you.
- Al, you're a busy guy.

No, I'm not.

- Stacey's a busy woman.
- No, I'm not.

- Uh, gosh, I could use your help.
- Great.

Jill, gosh, it was a pleasure
to finally meet you.

Well, it was nice to meet you too.
I hope you like this house.

- Yeah, I hope so too. Tim.
- Thanks for stopping by, Stace.

Good seeing you.
Give me a call sometime.

Oops! I forgot who I was talking to.

Bye.

- I should have known.
- What?

I should have known that you would
never call her. What is it with you men?

You can't make a simple
phone call to end a relationship.

Well, if it had been a simple phone call,
I probably would have made it.

"Hey, Stacey. Yeah, it's Tim.
It's over. Bye-bye."

You just don't understand. You cannot
leave women dangling. We need closure.

No, you want to beat it to death
is what you want to do.

(feminine voice) "Yeah, mm-hm, OK, Tim.
OK, it's over, I accept that. Yeah.

"But I think we should get together
and talk about it. Uh-huh.

"Minute by minute. Detail by detail.

"Broken promise by broken promise.

"Maybe I'll bring my lawyer,
my accountant, my father, the minister.

And maybe the check-taker.
I hate you!"

- Morning, Wilson.
- Hi-ho, Tim.

- I got a problem.
- No kidding.

Jill met my girlfriend.

Well, I can't say that I approve of that.

- No, my old high-school girlfriend.
- Oh.

She's kind of annoyed
about something I didn't do years ago.

- (chuckles) A sin of omission.
- It wasn't that bad.

When I broke up with this girl,
I never called to tell her.

- So, you lied to her?
- No.

Well, according to
Robert Louis Stevenson, you did.

He said, "The cruelest lies
are often told in silence."

Hm.

But didn't Calvin Coolidge say,"Nothing
he never said ever did him any harm"?

Very good.

Thomas Mann once said,
"A harmful truth is better than a useful lie."

Not bad. Wait, wait, wait!

Turkish proverbs was, "He who tells the
truth will be chased out of nine villages."

Excellent.

But I believe the final word
would be Heywood Broun.

"For truth there is no deadline."

Oh! That's three to two.
You beat me, Wilson.

So, why didn't you call the girl, Tim?

I was afraid that if I called her,
she'd start crying, and I'd feel bad.

Well, sometimes, Tim, when
a relationship ends and a person cries,

they aren't just tears of sorrow,
but of liberation.

- A woman needs closure.
- Exactly.

- Jill said that yesterday.
- Smart woman.

Yeah, she is.

That's fantastic.
Wait, wait. Hold on a second.

This is Stacey.
Al wants to have lunch with her.

Hey, listen. Why don't we double?
We could do it today.

No, no. Yeah. Me and Tim, you and Al.

Hey, no. Tim loves the idea. He'll love it.

I'll have Tim talk to Al
and we'll just all meet at, uh, Big Mike's?

Yeah... What time is good for you?

Never!

One o'clock is fine.

That's great. OK. All right, bye.

- Why did you do that?
- Because I love to get people together.

You know, Stacey said that
after they went to look at the house,

they went out and had drinks,
she was captivated by Al.

How many drinks did she have?

Stacey and Al going out together.

Al's gonna get some
pretty juicy tidbits about you.

They're not right for each other.
What do they have in common?

Well, they both don't like you.

- Hey, you're late.
- I know, I know. I'm sorry.

I just lost all track of time. Bob Vila was
doing a one-hour special on glue g*ns.

Well, at least you have a good excuse.

Well, I'll make it up.
I'll only take a half-hour for lunch.

- You and I are going to lunch.
- Great.

With Jill and Stacey, huh.

- Stacey's going to lunch?
- Yeah.

Well, no. I can't make that.

You told her you were
going to have lunch with her.

Well, I was being polite.

Al, she's a terrific gal.

- She's not my type.
- Not your type? She's alive.

Well she's... She is, she's a very nice
woman, but when I was with her last night,

there just... there wasn't any chemistry.
It was like being with my sister.

Ugh! Not good. I've seen your sister.

Well, listen, I'll just keep setting up
and you go. Just tell her that I'm busy.

No, no, no, no. You're gonna tell her
you're not having lunch with her.

No, I don't... Well, what am I supposed
to tell her? I mean, am I supposed to say,

"Stacey, when I'm with you,
I don't hear any violins and accordions"?

You tell her whatever you...

Accordions?

In some countries,
it's considered the instrument of love.

Well... Stacey needs some closure.
You gotta end this relationship.

What relationship? It's not like
we've been dating for two years.

I was with her for a couple of hours.

Al, a couple of hours with you
is like a couple of years to most people.

- You gotta go down there with me.
- No, I don't want to.

- You've got to go with me.
- I don't want to and you can't make me.

I'm not gonna go down there
and lie for you, Al.

(grunts)

- Hi, guys.
- Oh, hi, Tim.

Hi, sweetie.

Where's Al?

- Al?
- Yeah.

He didn't want to...

...to leave the show without setting up.

Oh. So, he's not coming?

- No.
- Oh, that's too bad.

- OK, let's eat. I'm having those chili fries.
- Not unless you wanna sleep downstairs.

This is so cool. Who would have thought
that you would visit your ex-boyfriend,

meet his friend
and actually really like him?

He's so attractive.
I hope I hear from him.

Oh, I think he's gonna call you.
Don't you think so, Tim?

He'll call.

I could tell that he really liked you when he
was at the house. Don't you think so, Tim?

He had feelings.

- He's... Al, Al, hey.
- Oh, hi.

Hi, Stacey. Gee...

I'm sorry, I should never
have put Tim in this awkward position.

- It's OK, Al.
- No, no. It was wrong and I feel bad.

I mean, if I didn't want to go out with you,
I should have been man enough to tell you,

and not have Tim tell you that.

Guess I can have
those chili fries now, huh?

- You didn't tell her?
- Look, it's OK. Al, it's no big deal.

I mean, if you're not interested,
you're not interested.

I... I'm sorry.

Yeah, me too.

Glad that you understand.

- Oh, this is kinda awkward.
- Oh, please, please, we're all adults.

Let's just...
Let's just all sit down and have lunch.

You know, Al, you, me,
and the big fat liar.

You know, Tim, you haven't changed a bit.
Why didn't you just tell me the truth?

This wasn't my closure.
This was Al's closure.

What are you talking about "closure"? We
went out for a couple of drinks last night.

- That's exactly what I was telling him.
- Let's go get some more drinks.

OK.

You are pathetic!
Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic.

- What am I?
- Pathetic!

None of this would have happened
if you'd called her years ago,

the way you should have.

If I'd called Stacey years ago,
I might be married to her.

- And you'd be sitting there with Al.
- So, there's a downside here?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

You wouldn't get any more of this.

You do this pretty well
for a big, fat, lying weasel.

(wind blowing)

(Western music)

(up-tempo Western music)

All right, Vila. There's only room
in this shop for one of us.

Go for your carpenter square.

(Al) That's pretty fancy
sh**ting there, pardner.

No, not a mark on him.

Defective g*n, Al.

(woman) Five, four, three, two...

Cut!

- Just get through this.
- OK.

Great.

So, Jill... I'm sorry.

Great.