02x20 - Go, Gamblers!

[bunniefuu]

If you want me to say "I'm sorry", fine.

I'm sorry I didn't record it in HD.

But I really don't see
that much of a difference.

Ok, that... that is
what upsets me the most.

There's a huge difference, Dallas.

Why don't we just agree to disagree, okay?

High-def, low-def,

mos def. I don't care.

Babe, it's an objective fact...

HD is better than regular
D. They improved it.

Why wouldn't you want
something that's been improved?

It's like a doctor offering you penicillin

and going, "no, thanks.
I'll go with leeches."

(Chuckles) Look, George,
it's been a long day.

Fine. I'm just saying we
pay all this money for cable,

we should at least get our money's worth.

Oh, you're gonna get your money's worth.

That came out sounding
a little prost*tute-y,

but you know what I mean.

I'm serious, Dallas.
It's not just the cable.

You know, we also have
two Netflix accounts.

I mean, who are we? Jay-Z and Beyonce?

Think about it... if we lived together,

we would save on groceries, on utilities...

So what are you saying, George?

You wanna move in with me

'cause it sounds like a good deal?

Well, yeah. But also 'cause it makes sense.

I mean, we're stable. We're happy.

We're over at each other's
houses all the time.

Let's consolidate.

Well, when you put it like that...

Yeah. Come on.

Let's... let's shack up... (Pats leg)

and stick it to our cable providers.

Just think about it, okay?

Okay. I'll think about it.

(Tessa) While George and Dallas
contemplated a future together,

I was going through
the opposite experience.

My boyfriend was preparing to leave,

and all of Chatswin was
waiting for him to announce

which college he would play football

and, theoretically, take classes at.

I'm, like, freaking out right now.

Like, the press conference is tomorrow,

and I have no idea what I'm gonna decide.

What should I decide?

Why don't you just say you need more time

and postpone until you've decided?

No, I... I can't. It's,
like, a whole thing.

There are hats involved.

- Okay.
- Uh-huh.

Then let's go through the options again.

Okay.

Rutgers. Super solid team,

super close to Chatswin,

and super good for maintaining our love.

- And then there's...
- Mid Florida Tech.

They are one of the all-time
winningest-est-est teams

in the country. And it's my childhood dream

to go there and own my own alligator

that I keep in the stands
and teach to say my name

so it can cheer for me during games.

- But...
- But it's Florida.

I'd be out of sight and
possibly out of mind,

and when you came to visit,

your hair would probably look horrendous.

Right. But you can't pick a school

based on how the climate's
gonna make my hair look.

No. (Exhales)

- No?
- No.

No.

I think I decided.

I want you to decide for me.

Ryan. Look, I'm happy to
help you make this decision,

but it has to be your decision.

Okay.

(Girls chanting) Ryan Shay! Ryan Shay!

Mid-Florida Tech wants you...

real bad!

♪

What?!

I'm, like, halfway to an alligator here.

Okay. That's enough.

Seriously, whores. b*at it.

Aw, they seemed sweet.

(Alih Jey) * last night I
had a pleasant nightmare *

♪ da-da-da-da, da, da, da, da ♪

(Shutter click)

Not a lot of curb appeal.

But what she lacks in looks

she makes up for in girth.

That's a handsome lot you're sitting on.

You lookin' to sell?

Oh, no.

No one takes pictures of
their house for no reason.

What's the story, Sport?

Can't make the payments?
Got a thing for the ponies?

- You back on the pipe?
- Look, Dallas and I

are thinking of...

Living in sin? Hurting God's feelings?

Moving in together. Potentially.

So I guess you could say

I'm considering putting
my place on the market.

But we're not there yet.

What if I told you I had a buyer?

A buyer?

I have a couple

who are dying to live on this block,

and who would probably
pay well above market

for that pile of peeling
paint you call home.

How far above market?

That remains to be seen.

Hi, Tessa.

Oh, hey, Dalia.

Ryan's totes lucky to have you

to help him make his
big decision or whatever.

Just a sounding board really.

He's still totes lucky.

You're really good at
getting involved in things

you don't really need to get involved in.

Uh, thank you.

Listen, Dalia, are you upset...

(Lowered voice) that I found
out you hooked up with Jenna?

'Cause I didn't tell anyone.

O.M.G., that's totes not it.

I just hope one day I can return the favor

and get involved with something

you might not want me
involved in. That's all.

Like what?

Okay, so these are the California schools.

How do you feel about California?

- You mean sexually?
- No.

Ryan, before you answer,

just remember that if you go that far away,

your mother and I will die of grief.

Upon which I will bury
them, sell your belongings,

and move to Oregon.

So university of Oregon?

She's my only remaining family, Tessa.

We need a rational adult.

Where's Sheila?

Sheila was avoiding dealing
with the pain of Ryan leaving

by throwing herself into
work, headlamp first.

That's Leslie.

Leslie.

Leslie!

(Screams) Leslie!

(Breathing heavily) Oh, Sheila, hi.

Boy, am I glad to run into you.

You know me. I love this neighborhood.

I know you do.

I jog through every night

just hoping one of these
places will go on the market.

- Yeah.
- I can't help it. I just...

I see us here.

I see you here, too.

In fact, I see you right... here.

Is that house being listed?

Nope. And it never will be.

Because you are going to buy it

before anyone else gets the chance to.

Oh, Sheila!

I know. I know. We could be neighbors.

I could help you raise the baby.

(Laughs) (Laughs)

Oh! Oh, they grow up so fast.

Oh, before you know it, he'll be a man,

and ready to abandon you for college.

- Oh, she's actually a girl.
- Oh.

Well, you can always try again. (Laughs)

Thank you both for agreeing to a sidebar.

Obviously, dad can't
discuss the matter without...

(Fred, crying) My beautiful boy!

My velveteen colt!

Did he just say "velveteen colt"?

Listen, I know which
school Ryan should go to.

And my endorsement is completely unbiased.

Uh, Lisa? Whoa.

Where did that come from?

Tessa, the origin of that insanely gorgeous

80" flat screen is unimportant.

What is important is this.

"The North Las Vegas
Institute for Casino Studies"?

Go, gamblers! Is that a big sports school?

Um, it's a big sports betting school.

Lisa Marie Shay. I can't believe you.

You sold out for a flat screen?

And a pair of snakeskin boots

that quite frankly look like
they belong on Toby Keith?

These here are premium snake,

not to mention...

the pearl finish Escalade.
(Car alarm chirps)

Holla.

They gave you a pearl finish Escalade?

Holla.

They gave you a pearl finish Es...

Oh, wow!

We're leaving.

Wait. No. Ryan?

If you won't listen to me,

at least just listen to your birth mother.

Hello there. I'm your mama...

(Gasps) Carmen Electra.

Mama?

I always knew I was an electra.

In my heart I knew it.

Ryan Electra.

That sounds right.

Oh, my God. Oh, my gosh.

Carmen Electra, is there any chance

- you are Ryan's birth mother?
- No.

But you know who would be
like a birth mother to you?

The North Las Vegas
Institute for Casino Studies.

Shame on you both.

I drown out my shame with a car
that goes "boom." (Alarm chirps)

(J.J. Fad) * supersonic
(Hydraulics whirring)

*

* supersonic motivatin'
rhymes are created *

* and everybody knows that
J.J. Fad is devastatin' *

* supersonic

*

We'll need to re-cover that couch.

Something calico.

O... okay. Again, this is super premature.

Mm. Lose the family photos...

particularly the super gay ones.

Super gay ones? That's
me and my grandfather.

Doesn't matter. We'll want
her to see herself living here,

not you and your handsy gramps. (Chuckles)

If we do a little
spending on the front end,

we'll more than make up
for it on the back end.

Leslie will enter this
property and see her dream home,

not the time-worn creepy
shack of a pansexual loner.

Now I need to see your attic.

(Gasps)

Yep.

This'll be the crafts room.

The what now?

Your future buyer. She shared
something with me, George...

her childhood was whiled away

in an attic she converted to a crafts room.

Oh.

She has very fond memories

of the bedazzling, the
ribbon barrette making,

and the felt puppet
work that space nurtured.

So for Leslie, this room will
be the pièce de résistance.

Okay, you know what?

I... I think we're putting
the cart before the horse here.

Dallas hasn't even said "yes."

We're dipping a toe, George.

We're just dipping a toe.

All right. What do you want me to do?

Something you'd eventually
have to do anyway.

Order up a dumpster and
dispose of this trash.

And by "trash," you mean my
memories and family history?

Yes.

Oh, my God. Do you have a hamster, George?

Clean that up. That's unsanitary.

Mm-hmm.

Have you heard of the hantavirus?

Did we all get the raspberry in the finish?

Yes.

That was a trick question.

There was no raspberry in the finish.

Didn't you used to get towels?

With any luck, by this time next year...

(Singsongy) we'll be
toasting at your wedding.

Oh, I don't know about all that.

Oh, I think Carmen's right.

George asking you to move in

is one step closer to him ask...

We're really just doing it for
practical reasons, primarily.

What do you mean "practical reasons"?

You know, to save money on the gas we use

driving to each other's
houses... and so forth.

Are you crying?

(Voice breaking) No.

Yes.

Javier, could you get
me... (Whispers) a towel?

- What on earth is wrong with you, Dallas?
- (Exhales)

This is the most exciting
thing that ever happened to you.

And you met garry Shandling.

I know, y'all. I know.

I just thought George
asking me to move in with him

would be more... romantic.

Oh, men don't know how to be romantic.

Bob does.

The first time we made love
was on a bed of rose petals

that he hot-glued to my mattress.

He whispered in my native tongue
that my body was a wonderland.

And finally, when I could take no more,

he made me arrive.

In fact, I arrived a lot
earlier than I usually do.

I'm gonna hit the showers.

Thanks again for helping
me out with this, man.

No problem, my nubian.

Okay... keep, dump, or storage?

Are you kidding me? Look at this...

Flap in the back? Two-tone pockets?

It's a Gordon Gartrell. Keep.

This is a dump if ever I saw one.

- This is a big, steaming dump.
- Hey.

Keep.

Oh, man. This is Alex's stuff.

Dump.

No, I... I can't do that.

Some of her songwriting
notebooks are in here.

So? No one wants to hear

her poor man's Lisa Loeb-style vag ballads.

(Laughs) Dump.

No. I can't do that.

So... keep?

(Exhales) Well, I don't wanna keep, either.

But... storage seems weird,

and dump just seems mean.

So is there a new category,
is that what you're saying?

That even after all of these years,

your ex-wife still gets her own category?

While George tried to figure
out how to deal with his past,

i was still trying to help
Ryan navigate his future,

and time was running out.

Okay, I made a list

of all the pros and cons of every school.

Tessa, you're blinding me with science.

I have no idea what
you're saying right now.

The press conference is tomorrow,

- and nobody's helping me.
- Excuse me.

I'm helping you.

I wish I could just spin a wheel of fortune

and land on the right answer.

Okay. Well, then how about this?

I'll write down the
names of all the schools,

put 'em in a hat,

and you can close your eyes and pick one.

The hat will decide.

Well, actually, the draw will decide.

Fine. The hat.

This was a stupid idea.

This isn't how you pick a college.

You choose the school
that feels right to you.

- The school where you see yourself.
- Uhh! No! No!

I knew which school that
was, and so did Ryan.

So instead of letting him wind up

somewhere he didn't wanna go...

You rigged the draw?

- Mid Florida Tech.
- Wow.

If I threw it all away and
left it up to actual chance,

he could have ended up

at the North Las Vegas
Institute for Casino Studies.

- Oh.
- And, uh...

I'm not that much of a gambler.

No. Me, either.

But I do like the slots.

Do you think I messed up?

Tessa, no.

I think you put his happiness before yours,

and that's what love is.

Uh, thanks, Helen.

Like I said, I just felt
weird throwing it away.

Well, Alex uses my apartment

as her personal storage unit, anyway.

So what's one more box on the pile?

Well, um, okay. Thank... thanks again.

I'll see you.

She always had a grip on you, didn't she?

What's that?

Alex.

Oh.

I don't know...

what to say.

You don't have to say anything.

I... I know how hard it must have been

for you to drive that box over here,

to let go.

This woman you're moving in with,

she must be really special.

(Inhales and exhales deeply)

You know what?

She is.

And this is the attic.

Or as it's called by the current owners,

the crafts garret.

(Laughs)

Oh. Hello there.

(Cockney accent) Oh, 'ello.
I didn't hear you come in.

I were just sewin' my poppet.

Leslie, you just have to see
the view from that window.

(Whispering) Take it easy, kid.

You're supposed to be a crafts geek,

not a Victorian ghost.

(American accent) The accent
felt right for my character.

Hey. It's my character.

I am just letting you play her.

(Normal voice) So, Leslie,

what do you think?

This is it, Sheila. This is home.

Aah! Aah!

(Women laughing)

Finally, the moment of truth...

she said ironically...

had arrived.

Whatever happens, I'll be fine.

I have my career and I have the two of you,

and I have Leslie and Leslie's baby...

Ryanna. Which, of course,
is not her name. Yet.

(Mr. Wolfe, amplified
voice) Good afternoon.

Wow. Let me begin by saying

we haven't seen this much
press at Chatswin High

since our former drama instructor

staged an underage production
of "The Full Monty."

- Oh, it was so good. Such brave young men.
- Don't even. Stop it.

Without further ado,

here's the man of the hour,

Ryan "The Body" Shay.

(Cheering)

Whoo!

(Girl) Ryan! Whoo!

- (Boy) Yeah, bro!
- (Amplified voice) Wow. Hey, everyone.

Thank you all so much for coming.

I know you're all waiting
to hear my decision.

And it was not an easy
decision, but I decided it.

Rutgers is awesome!

- Oh!
- Thank you, God.

He's a merciful lord.

But I'm not going there.

Oh, I never trusted you.

He's not real. I knew he wasn't.

So then I thought...

(Whispers) Go, gamblers. Go, gamblers.

I will not go to this school.

He's not even gonna fake
us out? He's just not going?

So finally, I decided

that I only have three words left to say...

and those three words are
Mid Florida Tech, baby!

(Cheering)

Oh, Fred. It's okay.

Thank you, Chatswin. So long.

(Indistinct conversations)

It wasn't "good-bye" necessarily.

It was just... "So long."

Follow your dreams.

And don't eat carbs.

Wow!

You have to do both if you
wanna achieve greatness.

Thanks, man. A... and congrats.

Come here.

(Whispers) Wow!

Yeah. Congrats, Ryan.

We're really gonna miss you, and whatever.

Thanks, Dalia.

- I'm really gonna miss you guys, too.
- Yeah.

It must have been so hard
deciding to leave Chatswin...

and Tessa.

It was hardest on the hat, I think.

The hat decided and I
have the hat to thank,

because everything

turned out just how it
was supposed to, you know?

Totes.

Unless it didn't.

(Chuckles) What is that supposed to mean?

Why don't you ask Tessa?

Ask Tessa what?

Ask her why all the little pieces of paper

that she put in the hat said
the same school's name on them.

Tessa played you, Ryan.

Okay, now I know you're lying.

Because if Tessa was gonna write
the same college over and over,

she would have written Rutgers,

so her and I would be closer.

Unless she didn't want you to be closer.

Anyway, like I said...

congrats.

How could you do this to me?

You mean how could I do this for you?

Look, Ryan, I know that's
where you wanted to go,

and the only thing
standing in your way was me.

You're right.

You were the only thing standing in my way.

Ryan, I'm sorry. Please don't be mad at me.

I'm mad at you. I'm super mad at you.

The hat was gonna decide.

But what if the hat sent you someplace

that you didn't want to go?

It wasn't your call, Tessa.

But you said I could pick anyway.

Do you remember that?

You asked me to choose.

So in a way, I did.

- Right?
- Right.

And what you chose was to send me away

instead of keeping me close to you,

and that's what hurts me the most.

♪

(Woman) * restless heart so... *

What now?

♪ But you don't... ♪

(Exhales deeply)

- * Say *
- Nothing now.

♪ Anything ♪

♪ do you? ♪

We're over.

(Man and woman) * and I was waiting *

♪ all my days ♪

♪ to hear the words I need you to... ♪

I just can't believe you got
an offer on your house already.

I mean, it wasn't even on the market.

Y... yeah. Well, you know, may... maybe...

it maybe was meant to be.

Or maybe Sheila is just
really good at her job.

Yeah.

Are you... are you getting cold feet?

Yes.

But for me, it's more
of a circulation thing.

My hands are always cold, too.

Well, then...

I will warm them...

every night.

That's a promise.

George Altman,

are you getting romantic on me?

I'm trying.

♪

- * to keep me...*
- What do you say?

Should we go for it...

or not?

♪ But you don't ♪

- We go for it.
- Yeah?

♪

♪ do you? ♪

So who's gonna tell Tessa?

(Exhales)

(Voice breaks) I still can't
imagine how he found out.

The only person I told was Dallas.

You think... she said something to Ryan?

Well, then who?

Why aren't you saying anything?

Because I can't say anything.

Dalia.

Do you think Dalia did this?

She definitely did this.

She did this.

Tessa, I tried to warn you about her.

Yeah, well how 'bout this, Lisa?

How about you warn her about me?

Because this time...

she messed with the wrong bitch.