03x01 - The Night Before

[bunniefuu]

They told us we were young, yet
we understood the enormity of it.

We understood what was at stake.

Our fear was replaced with something
more terrifying...

hope.

Hope is so much worse.

With hope you have
something to lose...

TAPE REWINDS
VOICE DISTORTS

Oh, for f*ck's sake!
What's happened now?!

Your TV is such a piece of crap.

No, it's not.
Your camera's the problem.

My camera's top of the range!

It's true. His ma only sends him
really expensive sh*t, you know,

to make up for the fact
that she doesn't love him.

Michelle!
Oh, sorry, that came out wrong.

I meant... Nope, can't think
of any other way to put that.

That actor there looks so familiar.

That's you, Orla.

We're gonna have to reshoot this footage.
No chance!

Oh, come on, Michelle!

These kids from Germany made a
short film about the Berlin Wall,

and it won an Oscar!

Aye, but they probably had,
you know, talent.

Look, we need to face the fact
that we've spent the summer

making something that's
really quite shite.

It's not sh*t, Michelle! Well, the
script might need a bit of work.

Do not start on the script again!
The script is a masterpiece!

The script is boring, Erin.
It doesn't make any sense.

What's it even about?
Peace!

Urgh, I am so f*cking sick of peace!

It's all anyone ever bangs on about.

OK, I think we should
just cut our losses,

and make a couple of fake videos
for You've Been Framed.

Oh, I can fall down three flights of
stairs without even hurting myself!

It's £ a pop, people!

No!
Can I ask something?
Yeah.

How much longer are we gonna ignore
the elephant in the room?

Where?
It's tomorrow, girls. Tomorrow!

Christ, I feel sick.
Why? You're gonna walk it, Clare.

I know that! I'm not worried about me,
I'm worried about you four.

If you fail your GCSEs the
school won't take you back.

I don't wanna have to make
new friends from scratch,

I'll have enough on my
plate with the A-levels!

I'm just praying you lot scrape by!

That is very considerate of you, Clare.

I know!

MUSIC: I'm Gonna Get You
by Bizzare Inc

Once again, the Maze
was the focal point

of a troubled peace process today,

as Mo Mowlam arrived for a visit

that has been variously described
as mad or brave.

If we manage to get people
round the table on Monday...

God, she's a ballsy wee thing, isn't she?

I've said it before and I'll say it again,

if anyone's gonna sort that lot out
it'll be a woman.

Where is he?
D'you get the butter?
He's done it again. Seamus!

Keep your voice down, Gerry!
I want him out, Mary!

He'll hear ye!
I don't care!

He's a psychopath, and
he's outstayed his welcome.

Seamus!

Seamus!
Just what the hell is your problem, boy?!

That.

That is my problem, Joe. There is now
a dead shrew on our doorstep.

And? And if we add that to the three
dead pigeons, the dead mouse,

and the dead feckin' frog,
that's quite the body count, Joe.

What's that gotta do with Seamus?

The fact that the corpses
starting piling up

within hours of you taking in a
feral cat is no coincidence, Joe.

It wasn't Seamus!
Seamus wouldn't hurt a fly.

I've seen him EAT flies.
Seamus didn't k*ll anything!

There's a tabby,
two streets away,

has a vendetta against him.

They had a falling out.
I don't know the details.

So, Seamus has been framed
by another cat?!

Exactly!

Jesus, that's desperate.

He could at least put a bell on the
thing. That's a good idea, Dadd

That way if Seamus is the culprit...
He isn't!

Well, then the birds, the mice,
the shrews, the frogs,

they'll hear him coming.

Put a bell on him? I dunno, Mary,

is that not a breach
of his human rights?

No, because he's a cat.

He doesn't want to wear a bell,
Mary, he's made that very clear!

Christ almighty!

We're going to Michelle's
to watch a film,

can we borrow your video-cam, Daddy?

So, big day tomorrow!
Is our Avon order due?

The weans
get their GCSE results, Sarah.

Oh, aye.

Listen, no auld filth, do you hear
me?

I'm sorry?! I had to pay
an overdue fine last week,

and American Gigolo is not suitable
viewing for teenage girls.

I didn't rent American Gigolo,
Daddy.

I swear!

Leave the weans alone, Gerry.
Away you go.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
Interesting.

Jesus, this looks class.

This Scottish drag queen takes on
the entire English army.

William Wallace wasn't
a drag queen, Michelle.

He's wearing a skirt, and has a full
face of foundation on him, James.

Oh, f*ck's sake.
You dirty wee bastard.

What kind of a f*cking animal
doesn't REWIND?!

Dennis, what are you doing here?

I work here. No, you don't.

Aye, I do. Since when?

Jesus Christ, I was asked less
questions when I was interned.

I don't think I've ever seen you
outside of your wee shop.

I didn't even know you had legs. Are
yous gonna get something, or not

Well, is there anything in particular
you'd recommend, Dennis? No.

OK, well...

..we're just having a bit of a read,
and then...

Bit of a read? This isn't
a f*cking library, girls.

It is a library, Dennis, it's...
It's a video library.

Ah.
HE CHUCKLES

GET OUT!

GIRLS GASP
DOOR OPENS

Ladies. What happened, Sister?!

This? This is nothing.

You should see the other guy.

Right.

We wanted to rent a video, but...
Yeah, I didn't ask.

Trying to take
our minds off tomorrow.

Why are you still talking to me?

The results, you know? Stop it!

I suppose in many ways you're as
nervous as we are.

Well, no, because the school
actually receives them

the day before you do,
and also, I don't care.

Awk, Sister, it's yourself.

I've left the new Scorsese over
for you.

You...have the results already?!

You know how we did?

Just try to enjoy what time
you've left, girls.

"Try to enjoy what time we have
left." It doesn't even make any


It means we've failed, Erin. It means
no GCSEs, ergo no A-levels,

ergo no university, ergo the end!

"Ergo" wise up, Clare.

You're over-reacting.

I knew I should have cut ties
with you lot a long time ago.

It's not our fault!
Of course it's your fault!

You've dragged me down
to your level,

your stupidity has
finally rubbed off on me.

I was a scholar when I met you,
Erin, a scholar!

You were three! Our lives are over.

I wouldn't say our lives are over.

Passing those exams
was our only chance.

We're girls, we're poor,
we're from Northern Ireland

and we're Catholic,
for Christ's sake!

Oh, my God, she's right!
What type of future will we have?!

We don't need to worry
about the future, Erin.

If we fail, well, our mas
are gonna f*cking wipe us out,

and dead people don't need jobs.

Oh, thank you, Michelle,
that's very reassuring(!)

How bad do you think it is? Do you
think it's, like, grounded bad,
y

Run-away-from-home bad. Exactly.

And if it is run-away-from-home-bad,

I'm afraid I will need my snorkel
back, James. OK, let's not panic...

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Let's just wait until tomorrow,
and see what we're dealing with.

Or...we can see what
we're dealing with tonight.

How?!

Sh!

I do have a slight concern that this
plan might be a little flawed.

Do you wanna find out or not, Clare?

Shouldn't we wait till dawn?

No, we shouldn't, Clint Eastwood!

Won't the alarm go off?
I know the code. How?

Last summer I had a bit of a thing
with Jackie Ryan...

Jackie Ryan, the caretaker?!
He's about ! That's disgusting!

That's elder abuse!
And he's married.

I just think that is the
most... Jackie Ryan's son!

Oh, right.

We used to sneak in here
all the time.

Oh, the things we got up to on
them crash mats, girls.

Thank you, Michelle(!)

Now we just have to work out how
to get through the actual door.

We could just smash the
sh*t out of it.

I'd rather not smash the sh*t out of
it, if you don't mind, Michelle!

This is what they'd do in the
movies.

What, wave a Video Village card
around like a f*cking simpleton?

Jimmy the Lock, step aside.

So, if I just...

..and then it should...

Yeah, it's not gonna work.

Can I try something?
Knock yourself out, Orla.

THEY GASP

Yes!

We lived on the edge back then.
We were young, wild, fearless.

We didn't play by the rules.

I'm gonna shove that camera
up his hole!

What are we playing at? This is
breaking and entering, girls!

It's not breaking and entering,
Clare, the door was open.

It's...entering.
I think I'm coming out in a rash!

DOOR SLAMS
What was that?!

MAN: Hello?
Jesus Christ! Let's go, let

MAN: Hello?
Hurry up!

Quietly!

Why are we walking backwards?
I'm not sure.

Oi!
THEY GASP

Oh. Hello, girls.

Who are you?
What the hell's going on?

What are you doing here, girls?

Breaking and entering.
No! Shut up, Orla!

Netball.

What?!
We are here for netball practice.

It's a bit late, isn't it?
Christ, would you look at the time?

Listen, girls.

I'm gonna ask yous something now,

and I want yous to give me
an honest answer.

Is that clear?!

Sweet...Jesus.

We don't know this was someone's
pet! It looks wild to me.

It's wearing a collar, Da.
And a name tag!

"Fluffy." God, aye, he looks
like a fluffy, doesn't he?

He looks like a piece of taxidermy,
Sarah!

Seamus has crossed a line!

He's out of control!

He can't go around k*lling people's
pets, Da. There'll be a riot!

We haven't had one of them
in a while.

He is innocent. Come on, Da!

This is pretty damning evidence.

Aye, you're right. It is that.

Praise the Lord. Well, Seamus, looks
like there's only one thing for i

Yeah.

We're gonna have to
get rid of the body.

Excuse me? Mm.

Thanks for giving us a hand, girls.

Honestly, can't thank you enough.

Christ, the amount of crap
we had to shift.

We thought we'd be here all night.

No sweat. Sorry, what's your name?

Hans. Hans?!

Hans? Yeah, Hans. What,
is that like a nic

No, it's a first name, you know,
like Hans Christian Andersen.

That's very unusual. Isn't it just?
Yeah, my mother, she was Danish.

Was she now? She was, yeah.
I never knew that. lime

All right, just whack them in there.

Good work.

Fair play to you, love.

I think that's the last of it,
girls.

Let me give you something for
your trouble. Awk, not at all.

It's far too much.

Cheers, Hans.

Mind yourselves, now. Slan.

DOORS SLAM

ENGINE REVS

Hans? Prick!

They were so sound.

And that Hans fella had an arse
on him like two boiled eggs.

I hope they're getting overtime.
Me too.

Aye, that was some amount
of gear they shifted.

It was, wasn't it?

They didn't actually say where they
were taking it, did they? No.

So...now that I think about it,

weren't those computers, like,
relatively new?

I think they might have been, yeah.

Right, so...

..is it a bit weird that two men
we've never seen before

just sort of took away a load
of really expensive equipment

in the middle of the night?
What are you getting at, Clare?

It's just that...now...on
reflection...

..I'm slightly worried
we might have accidentally

helped burgle the school.

SIRENS WAIL

Sweet merciful Jesus!

ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

Armed police! Hands in the air now!

Hands in the air,
slowly turn around,

and place your palms
flat against the wall!

This is a set-up!

You have my full cooperation, sir!

I repeat, put your hands in the air,

slowly turn around and place your
palms flat against the wall!

What the hell's going on?!

What? No! No!

No, no, no, no!

Can I hold your g*n?

No, no, no, no!
This is a terrible mistake, officer!

Wait, are they arresting us?

But they haven't said the bit!
You haven't said the bit!

Do you know the bit about
how we don't have to

say anything at this time,
and anything we do say

may be given in evidence?

You know,
our right to remain silent?

You haven't told me about
my right to remain silent!

What about my right to remain
silent?! Shut the f*ck up, James!

We didn't do anything,
we're innocent!

Like that matters, Erin,
we're Catholics, for Christ's sake!

Have you never seen
In The Name Of The Father?

They'll think nothing of sending us
down for a crime we didn't commit!

We'll be like the Guildford Four,
the Birmingham Six!

Or the A-Team.
We can't go to prison, girls!

We're too delicate for prison!

We go to convent school, Erin,
for f*ck's sake, we'll be grand.

Excuse me, ma'am, can I just say
I'd be absolutely willing

to give evidence against these guys

if the right deal was on
the table. Seriously, Clare?!

MUSIC: Born Slippy
by Underworld

Pull over.

This is a good spot.

Oh, is it now?

Disposed of a body before,
have you, Joe?

No.

But I've often thought
about how I might.

DOOR SLAMS

God love him. Don't be soft, Gerry.

It was him or us.
That's just not true, is it, Joe?

Right, you take his legs,
I'll take his...

..legs. Grand, so.

POLICE RADIO CHATTER

Put your back into it,
for Christ's sake!

GERRY BREATHES HEAVILY

Sir.
DOOR CLOSES

Sir!

MICHELLE: Oh, dickhead!

Please, sit down.

OK, ladies...

We'd just like to ask you
a few questions.

Nice uniform.

Thank you. Oh, you're welcome.

Not now, Michelle.

OK, sir, I would just like
to state for the tape...

There is no tape. ..that we are
completely and totally innocent.

And this is a...horrific
miscarriage of justice.

Grand. Excuse me?!

Here's where we're at, girls.

I'm actually a boy. OK, love.

We've had several reports of
suspicious activity

on the grounds of Our Lady
Immaculate College this evening.

Following up on that lead, we
discover you five on the premises,

that the locks on the side door
have been forced,

and the alarm system deactivated.

Now, we can't get hold
of the headmistress,

one...Sister George Michael.

George Michael?
But the caretaker has informed us

that a substantial amount of
computer equipment

seems to have vanished.

We didn't take it. What were
you doing on the grounds, girls?

We went there to...
We thought that we could...

We were just trying to...

Break in.

We would like to speak to a
solicitor, please. All in good time.

For the tape, the inspector
is refusing us

the right of legal representation.

There is no tape. Well, why can't we
speak to a solicitor?!

I didn't say you couldn't. You're
trying to stitch us up, aren't

Why would I do that?
Because we're fenians.

That is a very serious
allegation, girls.

Are you denying that your
organisation is prejudiced,
Insp

For the tape, the inspector
is refusing to answer.

There is no tape!

If your organisation isn't
prejudiced, Inspector,

then you won't mind telling
us how many Catholic officers

are serving in it at this time.

I think we're losing sight

of who's questioning who here,
girls. How many?

HE STAMMERS

Well, if you count the Jewish fella
from, uh, Ballymena, three.

In the entire police force,

you have three Catholic officers,
and one of those officers is a Jew?

Lovely fella, by the way.
He is, yeah.

I would like to speak to our lawyer
immediately. Who is our lawyer?[

I don't know.
Look, we're just trying to work out

what happened here, girls.

It was Hans!

Hans? Hans and his friend,
they did it!

Hans?

You know, like,
Hans Christian Andersen.

His mother was Danish. Do you think
you could describe this Hans?[/fon

Well, I could pick that arse
out of a line-up.

Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

OK, before this goes any further,
you're minors,

we need to get a parent or
a guardian down here, ASAP.

Who would you like us to call?

Can you just give us a minute?

We can't call my ma!

Well, we're not calling mine!
Mine neither!

Do not look at Orla, her ma
is just an extension of my ma!

What about someone's dad?
Das can't be trusted!

Das are in the pockets of mas.
It's true.

Das are just Ma enablers.

Well, who, then?!
Oh, God, there's nobody!

They'll just wear us down
until we say we did it!

We'll be forced to sign false
confessions, there's no way out!

What if we wear them down first?

How?

I know who we should call.

So, I says to myself, says I, Colm,
who'd be ringing you at this hour?

And sure, if I hadn't been in
the middle of a Maeve Binchy,

I'd have probably slept
through the thing altogether.

What was it we asked him?
I can't remember, sir. Jesus.

..I'm like a dead one.

Mr McCool, if I could just...

Your nieces and their friends
claim they saw the men

who carried out this burglary.
We did see them.

They've given us some rather vague
descriptions. Hardly vague!

I apologise, Miss Mallon,
you did provide us

with quite specific details
of the suspect's rear end.

Apology accepted.
We also gave you a name.

Nobody in Londonderry
is called Hans, girls.

Well, you say that, now,

but there's a young lad up in
Pennyburn called Diego.

Is this relevant?
The mother, she's a Derry woman,

but the father, he was Spanish.

Though not on the scene,
by all accounts.

Thank you, if we could just...
KNOCK ON DOOR

Alex, don't leave me.

It's every man for himself, sir.

..Diego's father, this is, well, he
came over with the Spanish Armada,

then cleared off, leaving her
to raise the wean on her own,

but that story didn't totally
add up, was the thing.

I need you to stop talking now.

The problem being that the Spanish
Armada landed here in ,

and that the son, Diego,
as she called him,

well, he was born more
than four centuries later.

I will caution you.
She made the whole thing up!

As mad as a bag of cats, she was.

Sir. And she had been clattering
the wean in thon fake tan stuff,[/fon

to make him more Spanish-y
looking, you know?

There's a van matching the
descriptions on CCTV.

Which how suspicions
were raised, you see,

because there was a powerful whiff
off the wee critter. That'll do.[/

Thank you very much for your time.

You've been a huge help.

We'll take it from here.

We can go?

Yes, please. Do, go, right now.

And for the love of suffering Jesus,
take him with ye.

Thank you, you're a legend, Colm,
a legend!

Thank you, Colm! Any time, weans!
Any time at all!

Ah, Jim. What about ya?

You remember Cara?

Not your Kathleen's girl?
Jesus, she's sh*t up!

Aye, she's staying with me
this week, so she is.

Past her bedtime, though, now.
Wise up, Granda!

Jim was wondering if we've
seen Cara's rabbit, Da.

Oh, dear Jesus. A rabbit?

Yeah, Cara's rabbit went missing,
Daddy.

They were wondering if
we might have seen it. Right.

Cara was gonna take it a walk
earlier, but the hutch was open,

and there was no sign of him.

She was gonna take it a walk?

That's right. The rabbit? Aye,
you're

Really? Really.

So, Seamus about, is he?

What business have you with Seamus?
Don't cover for him, Joe.

I don't know what you mean.

He's still refusing to wear a bell,
I hear.

What about it?
People have been talking, Joe.

People are concerned.

The pigeons, the mice,
that's how it starts.

Next thing you know,
pets are disappearing.

Seamus didn't touch the rabbit!

Well, if I find out any differently,
Joe... You won't.

I'm watching you.
BELL TINKLES

I'm watching all of yous.

Come on, Cara, love.

Right, we need to get that wean
a new rabbit.

Well, what a great but
ultimately uneventful evening.

The robbery was my favourite part.

What?!

Oh, sub-plot in Braveheart!

What did you guys get up to?

Nothing! Nothing much.
Nothing to report.

Oh, what's this?

Fluffy who?

Oh, thanks, love.
I was looking for that.

They're all the rage, girls.

BELL TINKLES
CAT MEOWS

Ah, don't look at me like that, you.

I had no choice.

PUPILS CHATTER

Christ, this could not get any worse!

Straight As! Straight As!

I stand corrected!

Should we say a wee prayer first,
maybe?

Yeah, I'd say our lord is up there
now, looking down on the world,

thinking the floods and the famine
can wait,

for there is a child in Derry

who needs me to magically
alter the contents of an envelope.

That's very good, Sister Michael,
that's very funny!

Ach, don't be such a lick,
Geraldine.

Oh, just get on with it, please.

Oh, my God, I passed, I passed!

Me too! Me three!

Aye, by the skin of your teeth,
Michelle.

Straight As, straight As!

Oh, my God, Erin, snap!

Look, an A, four Bs,
three Cs, and a D!

What?! Let me see that,
that can't be right.

How?

How have you got the same results
as me? This can't be right!

Christ, you don't think there's been
some sort of a mix-up, do you?

Orla just does really well at exams,

despite the fact she obviously,
you know...is subnormal.

Aaw! Thank you, Sister.

You said we failed!
I didn't say you failed.

I IMPLIED you failed.

Why? Bit of a slow day.

We passed! We did it! We did it!

Oh, hello there.

There was a bit of an incident
last night in the school.

Have you seen this before, Sister?
No.

sh*t!

We just found it
in the computer lab.

Gonna spin through the footage now.

Ah, f*ck-a-doodle-doo!

MUSIC: Wannabe
by The Spice Girls

# I'll tell you what I want
What I really, really want

# So, tell me what you want
What you really, really want

# I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna

# I wanna really, really, really
wanna zig-a-zig-ah

# If you want my future

# Forget my past

# If you wanna get with me

# Better make it fast

# Now don't go wasting
my precious time... #