05x07 - Raucous Science

[bunniefuu]

Okay, campers.

A friendly reminder
to gently take
your packages.

This is a mail call,
not a feeding frenzy.

I'm looking at you,
Piranha cabin.

"Dangerous chemicals,
do not ingest."

[GASPS] I wonder if this
is the corn dogs I ordered.

That would be mine.
Thank you.

Should I have been
wearing gloves too?

Absolutely. But it's
too late now.

Okay, next up,
we have something
for Finn.

Ooh, do you think
it's the snowmobile

I asked my
grandparents for?

Sure, buddy.

Ooh, it's for me!
It's from my college!
It's my diploma.

You guys know your names.
Figure it out.

Oh, no.

According to this,
I didn't finish all
my classes this spring,

and I'm one science credit
short of graduating.

Good thing Moose Rump
has a junior college.

You can take
a summer course.

That's a great
idea, Destiny.

I forgot all about
the Moose Rump
community college

and brake pad emporium.

Their motto is,
come for the screechin',
stay for the teachin'.

Hey, this is from
that talent manager

I sent my reel to.

Are you finally going
to get someone
to represent you?

Probably not.

This is a bill
for the two minutes
of his life

he said I wasted.

Oh, idea.

I'm going to be
your manager.

I can help
get you gigs.

That would be amazing!

By the way,
a gig is an acting
job, right?

I've never had one.

Aw! But, Parker,

won't managing get
in the way of annoying me,

and, what else
do you do here?

Just imagine how many
kids would come here
to take theater classes

taught by a celebrity,

or whatever is
a realistic goal
for Noah.

Well, I guess it could
be good for the camp.

Great! I'm gonna
make you a star, kid.

Quick question.
How attached are you
to the name Noah?

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

Guys!

Hey Finn,what's up?

Remember how
my Mom and Dave
got married?

Well, they sent me
this letter saying I'm
getting a baby sister,

which is even better
than a snowmobile!

That's awesome!
Congratulations!

Yeah! And they also sent me
this weird black and white
photo of an alien.

What a day.

Finn, that's
a sonogram.

Whatever it is,
I hope it comes
in peace.

Finn, this
is so exciting.

You know, it's a huge responsibility being an older brother.

No kidding.
I've gotta protect
her from this alien.

No, what she means
is it's an older
brother's job

to teach their younger
siblings things.

Although my brothers never taught me anything.

Except, how to claim a piece of pizza by sitting on it.

-Don't judge.
-It works for us.

Teach her things?

I mean, I'm great
with babies.

But what if she wants
to learn how to do
something besides

an armpit fart?

-Don't worry.
-We'll help you find something

to teach your little sister.

Really?

Thanks, guys.

And once you
figure that out,
my next mission

is finding this sonogram
before it destroys Earth.

Hello, fellow lover
of knowledge.

-I'm Lou.
-I'm Debra.

[SNIFFING]

Any reason why you're
giving me the old
barn yard greeting?

Sorry, but you smell better than the people
I normally work with.

I'm on the wrestling team,and poor hygiene can be
your fiercest w*apon.

Well, that and the weapons you
hide in your unitard.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Matteo? What are
you doing here?

I'm teaching
this class.

Wait, really?
[GASPS]

I know him.

I know him.

Oh, man, this class
is going to be a cinch.

Our teacher's gonna
need to take a break

every minutes for naps and
diaper changing.

On the contrary,
consider me the iron
fist of science.

There will be
no partial credit,

no late assignments

and absolutely no
grading on a curve.

[GROANS]

Whoa! Good thing
I have an in

with the teacher.

Uh, no,
you don't.

Oh, right!
I don't.

Do you have something
in your eye?

Class, this is whywe always wear safety
goggles in the lab.

[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]

There you are.

I think someone is
about to be blown away.

Oh, no! I told the kids
no parasailing

till the tow rope
is fixed!

No!

I meant you!

I just got you
an acting job.

You are going to be starring
in a local commercial

for an all-natural,
granola bar company.

That's amazing!

Did they like my reel?

I bet it was my
performance on the news

as "man who walked
behind other man
that was on the news."

Yeah, no.

But, they were
open to bribery,

so I told him
they could sh**t
at the camp for free.

And you got
the gig.

They want to start
sh**ting tomorrow.

This is so cool.

I hear a lot of great actors
get their start in local
oat-based commercials.

That's right.

Here we come,
Hollywood of the extreme
Upper Northeast.

Do you really thinkI could learn enough
about braiding hair

to teach my sister?

Absolutely. Then she
won't have to teach
herself, like I did.

Every time I asked
my parents, all they would
do is put me in a rainbow wig.

[SOFTLY]
Clown families.

[SIGHS] Anyway,
are you ready to try
braiding my hair?

Ready. Where do
I put the glue?

Put down the glue!

You do nothing
until I say so.

First, take a section
of hair and divide it
into three parts.

There's math
involved, too?

Women have it
so hard.

Next, take the right
strand of hair and put it
over the middle one.

Then take the left
and put it over the middle
one and just keep going.

This would be so much
easier with glue.

No glue!
Never glue!

Okay. Done.

Yay! Let me see.

You raided your hand into my hair,
didn't you?

I was hoping
you wouldn't notice.

-Matteo?
-I'm Professor Silva.

Whatever.

There must be
some mistake.

You gave us homework
on valence bonds,

atomic orbitals
and electron pair
repulsion theory,

all due tomorrow.

Mmm, there's no mistake.

Scientists don't
make mistakes.

That's more of
a mathematician thing.

Can we please
have more time
for the homework?

I know I've got
my hands full with
running a camp,

a town and a thriving
online store

where I edit people's pets
into old timey paintings.

Okay, that last one
is a thing I do
just for me.

Oh!

I think you all just
need to apply yourself
a little more.

Now, if you'd
like to discuss
things further,

you can visit me
during my office hours.

I'm in room number
broom closet.

Okay, Finn.

One thing
I've always wished

my brothers would
have taught me

was how to ride
a bike.

So how'd
you learn?

Trial and error.
Lots of errors.

Only one trial,
but not guilty.
So, yay.

Anyway, let's pretend
that I'm your
little sister,

and you teach me
how to do it.

Okay.

[CLEARS THROAT]

First, you, um,

grab at that tire
and, uh,

make sure
it feels nice.

You've never ridden
a bike, have you?

What gave me away?

You're supposed
to kick it, not grab it,
aren't you?

Come on, Finn!
Stupid!

I'm doing it!

Next up, you graduate
to one that, you know, moves.

And after that,
you can teach
your sister.

But until then,that's a pretty safe
way to learn.

Whee, this is easy.

Look how fast
I imagine I'm going.

Finn, careful!

Wow. Really?

It takes a pretty
special person
to be able

to crash
a stationary bike.

Thank you.

Okay, A few final
chore assignments.

Peter, if you
could wipe down
the tables.

Meg, if you could
refill the napkin
dispensers.

And Matteo, if you
could pull the boats
out of the water,

clean them,
put them back,
muck out the barn

and spread the manure
around as fertilizer,

that would be great.

Okay, everyone,
make it a Kikiwaka day.

But, come on!
I can't do all
those chores, Lou.

I have lesson plans
to write up for tomorrow.

Also, calling it manure
doesn't make it not poop!

Oh? I think you
can do it all

if you just
apply yourself.

You can't be
serious, Lou.

Ah! That is Camp Director
Hockhauser to you.

Oh, and you're gonna
want to wear safety
goggles out there.

Manure...
[INHALES SHARPLY]

...splatters
something fierce.

I can't believeI'm about to be in
my first commercial.

That's right.
You're gonna be
a shining star

for people who eat
breakfast in traffic.

Greetings,
fellow citizens
of Mother Earth.

Greetings...

...guy who's looking
for his hacky-sack?

That's the director
and owner of the
granola bar company.

Humble citizen
of Mother Earth
reporting for duty, sir.

My name is Bodhi,
and I am thrilled
to have you

as the face of my
new product.

We call this "Granola
And More".

Now, all you have to do
is say, "Granola And More."

Then take a bite.

Then say, "Wow,
more please."

I won't let you down.

By the time this airs,
people will be calling
these gra-Noah bars.

I'll stop now.

Okay, places.

And...

Action.

Granola And More.

Wow. [COUGHS]

What is in this thing?

Cut!

Okay, so that was what
we in the management
game call very bad.

Is there a problem?

Sorry, but I think one of the ingredients
is expired.

Nonsense. Everything
in that bar is fresh.

The oats, the nuts,
the liquefied fish
eyes, the raisin.

Wait. What was that?

-Raisins?
-They're just
dried grapes, man.

Did you say
liquefied fish eyes?

Oh, that's the "And More".

See, fish have a lot
of healthy amino acids.

We would have used
whole eyeballs,

but people really hate
the way they pop.

Pop?

Just think of it as
all of nature's treats

molded into a bar
that finishes with
a delightful trout spritzer.

Okay, let's take it
from the top!

I can't do this.

Just power through.

You know
what they say?

You can't make it
to the big time without
a little fish slime.

Do they?

And action.

Granola And More.

Wow... [COUGHS]

It's definitely worse
now that I know
its eyes.

Hey, Finn.

If you guys are here
to teach me something else,

you should just
forget it.

I'm destined to be
a terrible older brother.

Finn, we're not
giving up.

There has to be
something you already
know how to do

that you can
teach your sister.

Preferably, outside of the armpit
farting arena.

Well, there is something.

But you guys
have to promise
not to tell anyone.

This is a passion of mine
that I've been teaching
myself in my free time.

Oh, I think I know
where this is going.

I honestly thought
it was gonna be
roller blading.

Finn, how did
you get into...

What are we
seeing here?

Well, you guys
might not know this,

but, I'm not
great with words.

BOTH: No!

One day, I was frustrated.
I didn't know how
to express myself.

And then I saw a ribbon
in the trash can.

Instant connection.

I picked this beauty up,
and it felt like I could say

anything I wanted
with a flick
of the wrist.

Please don't
do that.

You know what?

You guys telling me
how great I am at this...

-We never said that.
-We definitely didn't.

...has given me
the confidence to show
you my signature move.

Brace yourselves.

Oh, we're
pretty braced.

[GROANS] Ow!

I stink at this, too.

I'm worse at
ribbon dancing
than I am at worms.

Words! Dang it!

Finn, it's okay.

No. My sister is going
to have a terrible
older brother

who can't help her
with anything.

I give up.

Can someone
please open this door
so I can storm out?

Thank you.

Greetings,
everyone.

First announcement.

I'm moving up your
midterm to next class.

[STUDENTS GROAN]

Um, Professor Silva,

isn't it a bit early
in the semester
for a mid-term?

True. But I needed to get it out of the way
to make room for some

manure shoveling duties.

Not to be critical,

but, uh,
"doody duties"
was right there.

I knew it was
a missed opportunity
as soon as I said it!

Man, how am I ever
gonna pass this class
and get my degree?

Hey, can you
keep a secret?

I'm so over having a professor who still
needs a baby sitter.

So I'm planning to embarrass him with
a prank next class

to teach him
a lesson.

You in?

What exactly
are you...

Lou!

There's a lot
of cross-talk
back there.

Do you have something you want to share
with the class?

Uh...

No, Professor Silva.

I was just asking
who does the front
half of her hair.

Matteo, I need
to talk to you.

Why? Do you need me
to shovel some more

bovine boom boom?

No.

Yes, but no.

Debra's planningon pranking you in front
of the whole class tomorrow.

Really?

Why?

Well, if the doodle of you in the bathroom
is to be believed,

it's because
you're a bit of a...

Professor Jerkface
Von Snooty pants.

Matteo, why are
you being so hard
on all of us?

Because I thought
it was the only way
I could get respect.

My whole life,
no matter what I have
achieved in science,

adults have never
taken me seriously
because I'm just a kid.

I'm sorry.

That must be tough.

But you don't need to be a Professor
Jerkface to get respect.

No matter how good the artwork is
that comes out of it.

Okay, fine.
I did the doodle.

So you mean
I don't have to be
the iron fist of science?

Just be you and let your knowledge
speak for itself.

I'm an adult,
and I learn from you
every single day.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Because of you,
I can measure my inseam,

identify a blue jay and measure the inseam
of a blue jay.

They do look cute
in tiny pants.

Thanks, Lou.

Matteo, I have
to ask.

Have you been putting
tiny pants on birds?

Because that
would explain some
things I've seen.

Okay.

Action!

Granola And More.

[COUGHS] Nope!
No, no, no. Mmm-mmm!

[BEEP]
Granola And More.

I can feel it
looking at me.

Granola And More.

It's great.

Just take my
word for it.

Cut!

You can't tell because
I'm so centered,

but I am barely
containing my rage!

So sorry
about this.

Can I have a quick
moment with my client?

Fine. I'll just go
harness my chi with
a quick yoga sesh.

We are this close
to losing this job
right now.

Can't you just
pretend to like it?

[SCOFFS]
I can't pretend.

I'm an actor.

I wouldn't be asking you
if it wasn't possible.

Here. I'll prove it.

Granola And More.

Wow!

More, please!

See? Easy!

How did you do that?

You know what they say.
It's just mind over
fish eye juice.

Who is saying
these things, man?

Noah, I know
you can do this.

Wow. No one's ever
fought this hard for me.

You really are
a good manager.

And the thing that
makes me a good manager

is I have a really
great client.

You're talented.

-I believe in you.
-You do?

Bodhi, I'm ready to go.

Fine!

I had almost
found my center,

but I guess our chakras

are on Noah's time.

Forgive me, tummy,
for what I'm about
to do to you.

Uh-oh! He's resorted
to folding laundry.

It's worse
than we thought.

And are those tiny,
bird sized pants?

Because that would explain some
things I've seen.

Finn, do you
want to talk?

No, it's hopeless.

If I can't teach my sister
anything, how am I going
to be a good big brother?

Finn? Finn, you are
already a great
big brother.

Look at everything
you've tried to do
for her.

You care so much
about her.

And she's not
even here yet.

Yeah, and you're
gonna teach her

something way more valuable
than anything we have tried.

Really? What's that?

How to be
an amazing person.

You're kind, caring
and one of the best
friends I've ever had.

Its way more important
for you to teach her
those qualities

than it is to teach her
how to braid her hair.

Please, leave
her hair alone.

I guess you're right.

Thank you, guys.

I don't even know
what to say.

But the ribbon does.

This one's for you.

[LIVELY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

I really wish it had
been rollerblading.

Class, I want to sincerely
apologize for how tough

I've been on you guys.

I bet that's the first time the word tough
has ever been used

to describe the puny
professor over there.

Easy. Matteo's tough.

Tough on stains.

And I'm going to modify
my lesson plan

so that you can pass
this course and actually
learn something.

So, that'll include
pushing back
the mid-term.

[ALL CHEERING]

Thank you.

I'll put a basket on my table for any apples
you wish to leave.

Okay, everyone,
let's prepare for
today's experiment.

Well, I guess since
Matteo's gone from
Professor Jerkface

to Professor
Reasonable Face,

you're gonna call off
the prank, huh?

Guess again.

I finish what
I start.

-Except for my haircut.
-I meant to get it short
all the way around.

So if we combine
these two
household chemicals,

we can create what is called
an exothermic reaction.

I put chlorosyl andhydrophosphate
in that beaker.

He's about to be covered
in foam.

He's gonna look
like such a goober.

Oh, well, I guess
I can't stop it.

Here we go.

Oh, yeah.

[STUDENTS GASP]
STUDENT : Oh, wow!

Hey, what happened
to my prank?

He was supposed to get a face full
of foam.

And then
I'd yell, "Face!"

And it would have
been so appropriate!

Oh, if you would actually
pay attention in class,

you would know that
you don't put chlorosyl

and hydrophosphate
in there to make
that reaction,

but chlorosyl
and hypophosphate,
like this.

[GRUNTS]
If I could see you,

you'd so be in
a figure-four
leg lock right now!

[GRUNTS]

Wow, Lou.
You not only
avenged me

but demonstrated a textbook knowledge
of chemical reactions.

You really are
a good science student.

Well, I have a great
science teacher, and, uh,

does avenging him
maybe count for
a little extra credit?

Aw, Lou. No.

Very fair.

Well, come on,
Mr. Celebrity.

Show us
your commercial.

Okay, but afterwards,
no autographs.

It dilutes my brain.

And so it begins.

[JINGLE PLAYING]

Granola And More.

Wow! More, please.

-Congrats!
-Great.

I share a toilet
with that guy.

Thanks, guys.
And I owe it all
to my manager.

Parker, this guy ate
fish eyes for me.

Yeah, right.

Excuse me?

Well, funny story.

Um, when I showed you
how to do the commercial,

I was eating
a Scooter Bar,

not a Granola And More.

Those things smell
like a fisherman's sock.

Wait. So you
tricked me?

Or, I managed you?

Parker!

You are the best!