05x25 - Alarmed by Burglars

[bunniefuu]

- Hi!
- Hi there.

Did you get my spaghetti made?
l have to make it to that potluck...

Oh, my God! What is that?

That is the Binford
Commercial Vacu-Hood.

The residential version only has
a one-horsepower blower motor.

This bad boy has ten horsepower.
What do you think?

- lmpressive.
- Thanks.

- Take it down.
- (laughs)

- You don't even know what you have here.
- l asked you for a simple little exhaust fan.

Well, this simple little exhaust fan will suck
, cubic feet of stinky air a minute.

Take it down.

You want stinky air?

l live with it in the bedroom.
l can live with it in the kitchen.

(whirring)

- What was that?
- Uh... Just... just testing it out.

Where's my spaghetti?
l have to take it to Ypsilanti!

lt's probably already there.

Oh, man!

Hey. You know my parents don't like you
coming here when l'm studying.

Just thought you'd like to know - big party
at Lisa Beldon's on Saturday night.

l can't go. l have to study
for history finals all weekend.

Not necessarily. You're talking to someone
that can get you a preview copy of that test.

- Really?
- lt's my final exam clearance sale.

Everything must go. The deals are insane.

- What if my parents find out?
- The parents never find out.

l deliver late at night
and slip it under the door.

Hey, Brad.

Some of that spaghetti got all the way
across the street into Doc Johnson's Buick.

- Hi, Mr. Taylor.
- Hello, Jason.

Brad, we talked about Jason coming over.

l didn't come to see Brad.
Came to see you!

- ls that a fact, Jason?
- Yeah.

l just wanted to ask your advice on power
tools. l'm thinking of buying my first one.

Really? What kind?

- A seven-and-a-quarter-inch circular saw.
- Really?

Yeah. Something with a combination blade.

All right! That's good for crosscutting
and rip-cutting.

But you want to get yourself a fine-tooth
finish blade for precise cuts.

- Stainless steel?
- l'd go with the carbide tip.

Thank you.

Well, l gotta get home and watch today's
Tool Time l tape 'em all.

Don't be such a stranger around here,
Jason.

Boy, oh, boy. l love that kid.

- There's a policeman in Wilson's yard.
- l see.

l hope everything's all right.
Stay here, please.

(dispatch voice)

Oh.

(whistles)

- Wilson, what happened?
- Well, Tim, l'm afraid l had a break-in.

- Are you all right?
- l'm shook up.

Luckily l wasn't here when it happened.
This is Officer Guidry.

Officer, this is my neighbor, Tim Taylor.

- How are you doing?
- Oh, yeah. l've seen your show.

- lt's always nice to meet a fan.
- Who said l was a fan?

Boy! l cannot believe this happened. They
took some of my most valued possessions.

- What'd they get? A TV? Stereo?
- No, no, no. Much worse than that.

Number one,
they took my cheek extender from Fiji.

Number two,
they took my stuffed cow's hoof.

But the thing that really
makes me feel violated is

they took my African mucous cup.

They always take the good stuff.

How am l gonna write this up? l mean,
what's an African mucous cup worth?

Well, not much here in Detroit. But in Africa
you can get six goats and a virgin.

- Hey, Marty. Hey, Harry.
- Hey, Tim.

- Benny.
- Hey, Tim.

Just how l love my coffee - poured
by somebody else. Thank you, Ben.

- Hi, Tim.
- Hey, Al.

Hey, guys. Hear the news?
Wilson was robbed today.

- Really?
- Oh, no!

- ls he all right?
- Well, you know, physically, yeah.

l hope they didn't get his mucous cup.

What the hell is a mucous cup?

lt's an earthenware goblet from Africa that's
used as a spittoon for excess phlegm.

You sure seem to know a lot
about a mucous cup.

Were you on the crime scene
eleven or so this morning?

Yeah, Al.

Everybody knows you always dreamed
of owning a complete set of mucous-ware.

No matter how much l covet a mucous cup,
l would never steal one.

Hey, Tim. Didn't Wilson have
a security system or something?

l don't think so.

l have the best security system
in the world - l own nothing of value.

Hey, l got an even better one.
My wife Delores.

Burglar takes a look at her
with no makeup, he's scared straight.

- You know, l don't have a security system.
- (Marty) Huh.

Hey! Maybe it's time the Tool Man
had his own security system.

Oh, boy!
l've been waiting for this day a long time.

All right, all right, all right.

- Tim buying an alarm system? Ka-ching.
- Yeah.

This is gonna be good.
The Tim Taylor High-Security Compound.

lt's gonna be the only home
with first-strike capability.

What do you got?

A surveillance camera
with ultrasensitive microphones.

- Let me have a dozen.
- All right.

You need a master pad
to tie that system together.

- Get that.
- And get those infrared motion sensors.

- They're over here.
- of those. A gross, make it.

- Don't forget the siren.
- Get me a couple sirens.

Lights. l'll pull the big truck around front.
We'll load up. Where are the keys?

This will be the biggest thing you've done,
bigger than the hood vent in the kitchen.

Oh, way bigger! Whoa, whoa.

Why did you bring that up?

- Wait a minute. What's wrong?
- Jill made me take that thing out.

And l promised her l wouldn't go overboard
in any other installations.

What are you saying, Tim?

l'm saying it's probably a better idea
to just go with a basic unit.

Yeah. The chances of that happening!

Guys, l'm serious. l'm serious. l think it's
time the Tool Man just scaled back a bit.

Yeah, right.
That would be like Babe Ruth bunting.

Raquel Welch wearing a parka.

Benny picking up a check.

lt would be like my mother going
to a buffet and only having a salad.

Did l say that?

- Hi.
- Aah!

Aah!

- Why were we yelling?
- l'm sorry.

l'm just a little jumpy.
Wilson got robbed.

That's why l bought an alarm
for the house.

- You did?
- Yes. But you'd be proud of me.

l got a base-down, stripped unit.
Bottom-of-the-line, very simple.

- Bottom-of-the-line?
- Bottom-of-the-line. Almost an empty box.

- What are you, crazy?
- What?

Do you care nothing about your family?

- What?
- Well, the kids are alone all the time now.

Mark is terrified.
You come home with this toy?

(stammering)

(stammers)

- Do you want something bigger?
- Yes! Yes!

- l want something much, much bigger!
- Well, uh...

Am l in the right house?

Look, if this can happen to Wilson,
it can happen to us!

l want floodlights, surveillance cameras,
uh, uh, uh...

panic buttons, uh, uh,
the works, everything!

You know, l am getting very excited.
l hope this isn't just a big tease.

l am not teasing you.

l am turning you loose

to buy the biggest, most powerful
security system that money can buy.

Ohh...

l will even allow you
to do a Tool Time remote in the house.

l have never loved you
as much as l do at this moment.

Be back in a while.

lf l was to buy the answers to the test,
how much would it cost?

For you? bucks.

bucks? l'm sorry. All l have is .

Did l say thir...? l meant .

- All right. l guess that's a deal.
- Now, remember...

Under the door around midnight.

Everybody this way.

Why don't you bring it on down in the
family room? Over there by the fireplace.

- Come on in. Let's go. Keep it moving.
- OK.

That's good.

All right.
Hey, Jase. How's that new saw?

Saw? Oh, just fine. Very...

sharp.

You guys have to get out of the room.
We're doing a Tool Time here.

Wow. You're doing an actual Tool Time
right here in the house?

- l bet you'd like to watch.
- l wish l could.

But finals are starting Monday.
And that's always a very hectic time for me.

Keep your nose to the grindstone.

l will. And if l ever buy a grindstone,
l assure you it'll be a Binford.

Does everybody know what time it is?

Tool Time!

That's right. Welcome to a very special
Tool Time live from the home of our star,

Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor!
Whoo-hoo!

(# ''Tool Time'' theme)

Thank you, Heidi.
Welcome to Tool Time

l am Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor.
And you all know my assistant, Al Borland.

We're gonna show you how to install a
high-tech, super-charged security system.

That's right.
The first thing is to determine

what areas of your home
are most vulnerable to a break-in.

But since the only thing Al can break into
is a sweat...

we've invited a reformed burglar
to help us out.

l'd like to welcome on the show,
Sammy ''the Snake'' Nash.

- Welcome, Sammy.
- Thanks.

lt's a pleasure to be in your home.
You have some beautiful things in here.

- And l'd like to keep them in here.
- l'm not into that anymore.

Good. Because l understand your parole
officer watches the show every night.

All right. Well, Sammy,
where would you like to begin?

With the obvious, Al. The front door.

l'll step outside. You lock it up.
And we'll see just how secure it is.

OK. Great. Good. Great. Fine.

l think the old Samster's in
for a little surprise.

That's a solid oak door. l installed
a rim-proof, jimmy-proof lock,

which l call pretty much impenetrable.

Pretty much. Unless you're foolish enough
not to use the deadbolt.

Then someone could open it
with a credit card.

Well, good way to wreck your credit card.

Actually, l wrecked yours.

All right. Hmm...

Let's step out into the backyard and see if
there are any vulnerable places out there.

(alarm sounds)

You've watched us install one
of the most advanced security systems.

Next, pick a secret password
and provide that to your security company.

Pick a word that's easy to remember,
perhaps has a special meaning for you,

like the name of a pet or a loved one.

For instance, l picked ''saber saw.''

Perhaps now you'd like to choose a word
that our viewing audience hasn't heard.

Perhaps.

And for all you criminals out there, it might
not be another tool. lt might be a car.

- See you next time on Tool Time
- Bye now.

(# ''Tool Time'' theme)

OK, let's move it out.
Take that belt. You guys move it.

Get it back to the studio
so we can get it wrapped up.

- See you in the morning.
- All right, buddy. Thanks.

- We're all set.
- Great. Show me how it works.

Now, this is the downstairs panel.

You can operate the entire system
from this panel alone on simple buttons.

- buttons.
- That's right. buttons, zones.

buttons, zones.

That's right. lt's very simple.

lf you want to leave the house and set the
system in gear, you press ''arm-command''

'' -star- .''

OK?

All right now, if you're in the house
during the day

and you do not want the motion sensors
on, which is a great idea -

''arm-command-A .''

Simple, yeah? ''Star-bypass-pound- .''

(beeps)

Are you with me so far?

l lost you after you said,
''This is the downstairs panel.''

Once you use it,
you'll find this very easy to use.

OK. What if the motion sensors are on,

but l want to go downstairs
to get something to eat?

Um...

Well, you can't.

- l can't? What am l supposed to do?
- What are you supposed to do? Oh.

Keep a ham by the bed.

l've almost got this. Before going to sleep
at night, l press ''arm-command- ,''

''perimeter-instant- -star- .''

-star- !

Oh, OK. '' -star- .''

(beeps)

(Tim coughing)

l think l could use one
of those mucous cups.

- l'll never be able to work this.
- You'll get it.

There's one last security measure
we gotta do before bed.

What?

l'll have to frisk you.

What's the password?

''Please.''

(alarm sounds)

(recording) Get away from the house!
The police are on their way!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- There's someone downstairs!
- Uh, uh...

- Stay here. l'll go down there. l'll get him.
- Here, wait! Take this.

What am l gonna do - style him to death?

(Tim) Who's down there?

Get away from the house!
The police are on their way!

Get away from the house!
The police are on their way!

Get away from the house!
The police are on their way!

- Dad!
- Brad! What are you doing down here?

This thing's going crazy.
l can't turn it off.

Honey, it's OK. lt's just Brad.

''Disarm-command-disarm- - -disarm.''

Look at that!

Boy, that was loud.

Relax. Why are you hugging yourself?

lt... it just feels right.

Everybody go back to bed.
The alarm won't go back on.

All right.

Get away from the house!
The police are on their way!

Get away from the house!
The police are on their way!

Get away from the house!

(alarm sounds)

The police are on their way!

Get away from the house!
The police are on their way!

Get away from the house!

(beeps)

(sound of machine g*nf*re)

The police are on their way!

Get away from the house!
The police are on their way!

Get away from the house!
The police are on their way!

Tim!

(Tim) Don't panic!

Oh, good God! How much longer
must l endure this madness?

Bells and whistles and little men
popping up at all hours of the night?

l am so sorry. l don't want to upset you.
You're the only neighbor speaking to us.

Well, l am about one siren blast away
from going over to the other side.

l'm about ready to join you.

How could you let Tim put in
such a ridiculous alarm system?

Well, it was actually my idea.

- Your idea?
- Yeah.

After you got robbed, l got scared.

l started imaging horrible things
happening to the family.

Crazy people lurking behind every door,
scaring the kids, taking all our stuff.

Mm-hmm.

You thought that, with a state-of-the-art
alarm system, you'd no longer be afraid.

Well, yeah. But now all l'm afraid of
is setting off this insane system!

Well, Jill, l wouldn't worry about it.

As the physicist Edward Teller told me
over borscht at the Russian Tea Room,

total security has never been available
to anyone. To expect it is unrealistic.

To imagine that it can exist
is an invite to disaster.

Well, this week would qualify
as a complete disaster.

l wish we could scale this thing back.

But l can't ask him to do that
after he's put all this effort into it.

Why don't you present him with a petition

signed by all his neighbors
who are sleep-deprived?

Wilson, you know nobody in this
neighborhood ever signs anything.

Well, Jill, there's always a first time.

All right, all right. l think
l've got the inside sensors figured out.

- Hey, Wilson.
- Hey.

What do you got?

A petition from all the neighbors angry
about your security system.

(mock laughter)

Joe Paduro? That guy lives,
like, four blocks away.

Well, l think he's still angry
about being hit by the spaghetti.

Tim, we gotta talk
about scaling this thing back.

You know, this was partly your idea.

l'll figure it out as soon
as l can get these motion detectors...

(alarm sounds)

Hey!

Welcome back to Tool Time on location.

Last week we showed you how to install
a state-of-the-art security system.

Today we'll show you how
to install a more modest system.

And for people whose neighbors
signed a huge petition.

We eliminated or zones and went
with a much smaller control panel.

Now we have only one security camera
situated over the front door.

There you go. See that picture? Very nice.

That's my son Brad
with a good friend, Jason.

Jason just bought his first circular saw.

- You want your money back?
- I decided not to cheat on the test

- Why not?
- Well. first of all it's wrong

And if my parents caught me.
they'd k*ll me

They'd never catch on
specially your dad

He still thinks l bought a saw
and that l tape Tool Time l mean...

(Tim laughs)

Well, you don't have to tape Tool
Time now, Jason, because you're on it live.

And l'll be sending this tape to your folks.

Did l mention l'm an orphan, sir?

l think l love you no... mo...

One more time.

''l love you more at this moment than ever.''

Something like that.

''l've never loved you as much
as l do at this moment!''

Here we go.

Wow. You're... you're doing a Tool Time
right here in this house?

Oh, yeah.

Whew!

Wow.

That would be your line.

Would it?