06x01 - At Sea

[bunniefuu]

Does everybody know what time it is?

Tool Time!

That's right. Binford Tools is proud
to present Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor!

[cheering]

Thank you, Heidi.

Thank you very much.

Welcome to Tool Time.
l'm Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor

and you all know my assistant,
Al Borland.

- [applause]
- How are you doin'?

Thanks for the ride.

Maybe next time
you'll kick in for gas.

All right. Great to be back.
First show this season.

l've got some big news.
Somebody on the show's pregnant.

[chuckling]

Al, when are you expecting?

Actually, it's Heidi
who's expecting a bundle of joy.

That's right, our little Heidi.

Just married, soon to be Tool Time mom,
give her a round of applause.

[applause]

Good to be back with a big show.
lt's a two-parter.

We're doing our Tool Time salute...

[motor revving]

- ...to engines, big and small.
- That's right.

Today we're gonna show you a couple
examples of some smaller engines.

ln the next segment, the Navy's
invited us aboard the USS Constellation,

the aircraft carrier,
to see some big motors. Oh, yeah.

Actually, they invited me and Heidi.
We had to beg them to let Tim come.

[hissing]

Let's get back to small engines.
Look at this.

lt's a Conley .

Smallest four-stroke
production V- in the world.

Beautifully detailed, four-bolt mains,
and runs in a car like this.

- Start her up, Al.
- [starts engine]

[revving engine]

l bet there's people out there going,

''That's the smallest engine
in the world''.

[buzzer sounds]

[both] Wrong.

The smallest engine in the world is on
the smallest automobile in the world,

the Denso Micro-Car.

Marv, you want to come in here
a little closer?

lt took people four years
to assemble this bad boy.

[Al] lt's an actual working car
the size of a grain of rice.

[Tim] Look at her go.

A little more speed
it'll be the lead car

in the Uncle Ben's this year.

- Let's take a closer look.
- Tim...

- They're not around.
- They're very delicate.

- Don't pick it up.
- Hey!

That is what l call a compact car.
[whistles]

[glass breaking]

Hey. We'll be right back
after these messages from Binford.

- Hi, guys.
- Hey, Mom.

Well, l got you everything you'll need
to start school.

Backpacks, notebooks, paper,
pens, highlighters.

- Anything else you need?
- Someone to go and pretend to be me.

Randy, you must be looking forward
to starting high school.

Yeah, this sleeping in late and having
fun all day is getting on my nerves.

You should be like Brad.
He can't wait to start.

Yep, and right out there's
the reason why.

They have every class together.

Brad's even thinking about
joining the modern dance club.

- Hi, sweetie.
- Hi, Mom.

So, you seem to be seeing
an awful lot of Angela.

Yeah. She's great, isn't she?

Yeah. She's great. She really...
She's... She's great.

Yeah.

But you know what l was thinking?

A guy your age should be playing
the field, dating different girls.

Nope. l found the one,
so what's the point?

- Oh, hi, Mrs. Taylor.
- Hi.

- Brad, l think l left my bag.
- Oh. Oh, here it is.

- Here you go, Ang.
- Thanks, sweetie.

l can't wait to go back to school.

[Tim] lt's been pretty smooth so far.

lf the landing's anything like this,
we might as well just take a nap.

[screaming]

A little present from Tool Time.

- How was your flight?
- What?

- How was your flight?
- Good, thanks.

- Good.
- Tim, Captain Lloyd Jenkins.

- Welcome aboard.
- Captain.

Well, Captain, think you're ready
for Tool Time?

Sure, Tim.
l think we're all prepared.

Welcome to Tool Time,

coming to you from
the USS Constellation aircraft carrier.

Thank you, Heidi, and welcome
to a special Tool Time salute...

- [plane taking off]
- ...to engines

We're in the hangar bay of the ship
with the ship's captain, Lloyd Jenkins.

- Thank you for having us on board.
- Our pleasure.

Right behind me is the Navy's
most advanced fighter, the F- .

Actually, Tim, it's the F- .

Eighteen, ... it's a number, isn't it?

This baby sports twin low bypass
turbo engine fans

with a gallon
internal fuel capacity.

- lsn't that right?
- That's exactly right.

You seem to be an expert on the Navy.

Well, sir, as a former Seabee
l like to keep my oars in the water.

He was stationed in Nevada.

The closest he ever got to the water
was the fountain at Caesars Palace.

Well, Captain, why don't you give us
information on the Constellation?

She's virtually a floating city, Al,
with a crew of , .

She's got her own post office
and hospital

and serves over , meals a day.

Now that Al's here, make that , .

[whispering] We've just entered the
Constellation's combat direction center,

this carrier's state-of-the-art
mission control facility.

These sailors have
a tremendous responsibility.

When mine does that at home the cursor
has to be moved over to the left and in.

- [alarm sounding]
- [Tim] Whoa, whoa.

What did l do here?

Tim, you just declared w*r on Finland.

Huh?

l'm ready to serve, sir.

Just kidding, Al.

When we found out Tim was coming
aboard we deactivated our weapons.

Really.

[speaking Spanish]

[speaking Spanish]

[chuckling] l think you just said,

''The library's between the church
and the meatballs''.

l thought that meant ''city hall''.

No, l think ''city hall'' is...
[speaks Spanish].

Let's ask your mom.
She knows Spanish.

She's not home. Let's check
the dictionary on my computer.

Or in Spanish...
[speaking Spanish]

You just said, ''Let's go up and check
the dictionary on my gall bladder''.

This is the Constellation's
navigation bridge.

Al's scouting out the flight deck.
[clicks]

Al, this is great, isn't it?

- Roger that, Tim.
- Marv, follow me back here.

Excuse me while l show them
the equipment.

A lot of impressive buttons.
Sure they have safeties,

- so you can't accidentally turn one...
- [alarm sounding]

What have l done, Captain?

You've just activated
the firefighting wash-down system

for the entire flight deck.

[Al] Tim! Tim, stop playing
with all those buttons!

lnteresting.

[hissing sound]

This is our diesel engine room, Tim.

[banging on pipe]

Tim, on a ship, like in a basement,
you might want to watch your head.

This is a ten-cylinder,

horsepower, at RPM,
diesel engine.

lt's a generator.
lt's a back-up generator!

You put some blades on this,
this baby will mow a lawn!

[grunting]

A whole series of steam
channels over this...

Hello, Tim.

You remember Al Borland.
Hi, Al.

Did you start the engine segment
without me?

Yes, l did.

And l'm certainly sorry to...
[snickering]

...burst your bubble.

l think this will be great.

What l want to do is set a camera up
here and sh**t back in this direction

so we can show the Tool Time audience

how you guys test the engine
on an F- Tomcat.

lt's a good idea but it'll have to wait.
l'm busy the next couple of hours.

- What do you have to do?
- l'm heading down to the mess deck.

Guys from catapult maintenance
are throwing Heidi a baby shower.

A baby shower?

Wow.

This is the new Navy.

Hi. l was just on my way out.

So l can't stay and talk.
l love your hair. Bye.

Angela, l'll call you later.

So, um, Mom, what are you doing home?

My class was cancelled.

What do you have to say for yourself?

Well, your hair does
look kind of good right now.

Brad, what were you doing
with a girl in your bedroom?

Um... nothing.

When l walked in
it didn't look like nothing.

You wouldn't have seen it
if you'd knocked.

Don't get smart. You are not allowed
to have a girl in your room

when we're not home!

Now she'll probably never come back,
thanks to you!

Excuse me.
You have a girl on your bed,

l catch you and l'm the bad guy?

- Mom, l didn't do anything wrong.
- Really?

What would have happened
if l hadn't come home then?

None of your business.

You think l'm gonna talk to you
about my sex life?

[whispering] Sex life?

When you test the F- Tomcat motor,
you control it from here?

- Where's the throttle?
- lt's right there.

That's an awful lot of power.
Please try not to touch that.

- [cell phone ringing]
- Excuse me a second.

Hello.

Hi, Jill.
Yeah. Just a second.

Excuse me. ls everything OK?

Not really.
l think Brad might be having sex.

- Sex?
- [loud whirring]

- Bye, Mom.
- Bye, sweetie.

- Bye, Mom.
- Hey, hey. Wait a minute.

- Remember this afternoon.
- l know, Mom. l'm grounded.

l'll be home after school,
: on the dot.

All right.

- l'm gonna be late today.
- Where are you going?

- l'm going to David's house.
- Estimated time of return?

- : ?
- Reason for visit?

Gambling and devil worship.

Don't take this Brad thing out on me.
l haven't had a girl in my room yet.

Yet?

l gotta go.

- Jill?
- Oh! l'm so glad you're home.

- Hi.
- Not quite as glad as the Navy.

l missed you.
All right, what's the deal with Brad?

l wish l knew.
lt's time to talk to him

- and find out how far this has gone.
- Roger that.

lt's important to pinpoint the
problem and pull no punches.

- Glad you feel that way.
- Tell me how it works out.

Hey!

You'll be the one dealing with this.

- Me?
- Yes! You're the father.

Why don't we just get him a book
or something?

Tim, this requires an actual discussion.

lt's not like
when we were potty training him

- and we could just read a book.
- l loved that book, Everybody Poops.

Look, l tried to talk to him.
He would not talk to me.

lf he's gonna open up to anybody
it's gonna be you.

- What am l supposed to say?
- Find out what's going on first of all.

Then talk to him about maturity,

responsibility and safety.

Maturity, responsibility, safety.

Are you sure
l'm the right person for this?

[plastic bag rustling]

- Hey, Brad.
- Hey, Dad. Do we still have a Navy?

You do. l'm not sure
they'd defend me at this point.

- All right. See ya.
- Wait. Hold on a second.

ls there anything
you'd like to ask me?

No.

Are you sure?

- Yeah.
- Well, if you got any questions...

...just holler.

- OK. Thanks, Dad.
- Any time day or night.

- All right. Thanks.
- Call me at work if you want.

[sighing]
That was easy.

[Wilson] Hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

What are you doing, Wilson?

Well, Tim, l'm admiring my yams.

Should l leave you alone?

No, no, no, no, no, Tim.

See, l'm a charter member
of the tuber-of-the-month club.

Did you realize that in New Guinea
a family is judged

by the quality of the yams
they grow?

A father passes down
his yam-growing skills to his children.

Well, l just gave Brad the big sex talk.

l don't think he's ready
for the big yam talk yet.

l thought you discussed
birds and bees years ago.

l did.

But the bee's found a honey
and he's gone a bit cuckoo.

Oh. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

You seem quite at ease about it.

l must say, l'm very impressed you can
speak openly to Brad about, you know...

- Sex.
- Mm-hmm.

[both chuckling]

lt was a snap.
lt was over in a couple seconds.

Seconds?

l just said,
''lf you got any questions, just holler''.

And?

And l avoided the issue.

l said nothing
and l blew the whole thing.

Well, maybe you should just try again.

You're right.
l just want to say the right thing.

lf l mess up and turn him off,
l'm afraid he'll never come to me again.

You know, that reminds me

of my old friend and pinochle
partner, Hubert Humphrey.

He said, ''All you have to do
is be yourself

and speak from your heart
and your guts''.

Unfortunately, l left most of my guts
on an aircraft carrier.

Your heart is in the right place.

No. The second landing
it shifted to the left just a scoshe.

[chuckling] Tim, l think
you'll do just fine.

- You're a good friend, Wilson.
- l yam what l yam.

Hey, Brad!

Yeah, Dad?

[Tim exhaling]

Uh...

- You want to work on the hot rod?
- Sure.

Great.

All right. Put your gloves on.
l'm gonna try to tack this firewall up.

So, how long you think
it's gonna take to finish the hot rod?

l don't know.
l don't want to rush into it.

The important things in life
you don't want to rush into.

Especially when it comes
to cars and tools

you want to take your time
and do things right.

Exactly. But that rule
doesn't just apply to cars and tools.

You also want to take your time
when you're gonna have...

...food.

- What do you mean?
- You know that Polish smorgasbord?

You don't go right up to Olga and say,

''l want all the kielbasa
and all the sauerkraut right now''.

[chuckling] You do!

All right. Bad example, bad example.
Football.

You don't go right in and try to score.

- You don't?
- ln football you do. You do.

Gardening, gardening, think gardening.

You don't plant your flower
unless your bed's made.

No. No, no, no!

Maybe it's me. l have no clue
what you're trying to say.

lt isn't just you.

- l wanna talk about you and Angela.
- There's nothing to talk about.

- l want to talk about sex.
- l don't want...

l want you to listen to me, please.
Listen up.

Sex is, um...

lt's like a car.

The best idea

is to keep the car in the garage
for a long, long, long time.

And then, somewhere in the future,
the distant future,

when that garage door opens,

you gotta think, ''car cover''.

Look, Dad, l know about safe sex.
There's nothing to worry about.

lf you're having sex there is.

l'm not having sex.
Not with Angela, not with anybody.

l know that. That's good.
Of course not.

So, Dad, how old were you
your first time?

What?

Uh... .

l thought you wanted
to have a real talk.

Well, l was a few years older than you.

But l was still way too young.
l knew nothing about women.

- You didn't?
- l knew the mechanics of it.

But l didn't realize how much
responsibility was involved

in having an intimate relationship
with girls.

Wow.

l never heard you talk like this before.

Well, it's kind of hard for me
to talk about stuff like this with you.

lt's hard for me to talk
about stuff like this with Mom.

But we opened a line of communication
and l want to keep it that way.

Some guys l hang out with think
that by having sex it makes you a man.

l used to think that, too.

But l think the truth is, you should
be a man first and then think about sex.

So, what do you think?
How many years away am l?

Well... there's no set number of years.

- When will l know when l'm a man?
- Your mom and l will tell you.

So, how are you feeling?

Oh, fat.

Just hope you never get pregnant.

- l think you look great.
- Thank you.

Heidi, here's a tip.

When it comes time for diapers,
l recommend cloth.

- Really?
- Softer on a baby's bottom.

But disposables are so convenient.

Ladies, trying to do a show here!

- Sorry.
- Sorry, Mr. Taylor.