06x04 - Burnin' Love

[bunniefuu]

- l'm home.
- [Jill] Hi.

l picked up the mail.

You're invited to your annual
psychology department potluck dinner.

l am one step ahead of them.
l'm already making my tuna surprise.

l'll take a big step backwards.

They've banned you
from bringing any food this year.

Yeah. Like they wrote that
on the invitation.

They wrote it on the invitation.

That's pretty insensitive
for a bunch of psychologists.

Maybe they need some therapy, honey.

- ls my tuna surprise really that bad?
- [quietly] Mm.

- No, you know...
- The truth.

Truth is a relative thing, honey.

Truth is, even your relatives
won't eat it.

l'll show them.

With thought and creativity l can
make them forget the tuna surprise.

Like the antidote.

- [Tim] Ow!
- [electrical buzzing]

Hey, uh, Dad. Can a friend of mine
come see the hot rod?

Yeah. lt's about time you started
hanging out with car guys.

Dad, this is Lauren.

- Hi, Lauren.
- Hey.

- Where's the car guy?
- l'm the car guy.

Lauren and l are working
on the school paper together.

- OK.
- This is an original old convertible.

- lt's all metal, too.
- lt's a Ford.

Yes, l know.

- l'm guessing it's a ' .
- Huh?

Look at these tail lights.

- You are gonna French 'em, aren't ya?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Did you chop the windshield frame?
- Yeah, oh, yeah.

- You gotta shave these door handles.
- Yeah, l gotta. Oh.

- You know a lot about cars for a girl.
- For a girl?

Or a boy. Either one.

l always loved anything with a motor.

My friends play with Barbie,
l soup up her Corvette.

- The pink Corvette?
- Yeah.

With the spoiler in the back
and the mag wheels.

- l loved that thing.
- Wow.

- How would you know?
- Never mind.

Come on, Randy.
Let's get to work.

Thanks for letting me
check out your car.

- Anytime. Nice to meet you.
- You, too.

Hey, Randy, Randy.

Your girlfriend's terrific.

Dad, she's not my girlfriend.
We're just friends.

She's perfect for you.

No, Dad.
Actually, she's perfect for you.

You know, Lauren... Hi.

You and l make a great writing team.

You know, Lauren, l wasn't into cars
at all until you came along.

You know, Lauren...

...l'm a big geek.

- [knocking on door]
- [Brad] Hey, Randy?

Yeah?

Hi.

So, uh, who were you just talking to?

No one. That was the radio.

What radio?

My, uh...

My, uh... deodorant radio.

Sounds great, keeps me dry all day.

Man, he's not even my weird brother.

Hey, don't be so hard on him.

Randy, may l say l've always found you
to be a very upstanding young man

with a strong commitment to hygiene.

Jason, what do you want?

Brad?

Well, Jason's gonna be getting
some tickets to a concert and, uh...

- You're inviting me to go?
- [both] No.

We're inviting you
to lend us money so we can go.

lt's very simple.

Oh. And, uh,
l'm inviting you to bite me. OK?

Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa. The hygiene thing
always works for me.

Let's just go try it on Mark.

Are you wearing enough cologne,
tough guy?

'Cause l can still almost breathe.

Give him a break. He's trying to smell
good for his girlfriend, Lauren.

Look, she is not my girlfriend.

We're writing an article for the paper.

On what? Guys who stink?

Tim, which dish should l make
for the potluck?

l got ltalian, French, Chinese...

Um... go with British.

lf the meal is horrible people will
think that's how it's supposed to taste.

- [doorbell]
- l'll get it.

- Where did you get all those cookbooks?
- l don't know. lt's strange.

People keep giving them to me.

- lt is strange. Hi, Lauren.
- Hey.

- Come in.
- Hey, Mrs. Taylor.

Hi.

- Did you come to look at the hot rod?
- l have to work with Randy.

But my dad and l were talking
about your hot rod.

And, well, we had an idea.

And that idea would be?

Have you ever thought about
sectioning the hood?

lt would bring the front end down
two inches, and give it a sleek look.

This is exactly why l told you
how badly l wanted a daughter.

But you know,
we ended up with three fine sons.

One of them is waiting for you now.
He's excited about the article.

- Yeah, me too.
- What is it about, cars?

No, it's about school budget cuts.

lt's called,
''Why Must the Ballet Club Suffer?''

Easy. So the audience
isn't the only one in pain.

- l'll see you guys later.
- All right.

l think Randy's got
a terrific little girlfriend.

She's not his girlfriend.
He's made it clear. She's just a friend.

Yep. Yep. And Al's the funny one
on Tool Time.

Do you have some inside
l don't know about?

Come on. lt's pretty obvious, isn't it?

We've got a -year-old son
writing about the ballet?

Which means?

Either he really likes her,

or we should be having
a whole other discussion.

Well, we have a great show
for you today.

We're doing our Tool Time salute
to women...

- [screeching tires]
- [crashing]

...and cars.

Some people think that cars
are strictly a man's domain.

l'd be the last to admit it, but this
week l met a bright -year-old girl

who proved to me there's women out there
who know as much about cars as men.

Actually, Tim, we have a female expert
in our audience

who probably knows more about cars
than you do.

- Who's in the audience?
- Let's just say

she was the cover girl
for Transmission Monthly.

So, you got a real car babe, huh?

Well, she's actually sitting
in the front row there.

Well, what the heck?
Let's bring her down here.

All right.
Let's have a warm Tool Time welcome

for Lucille Treganowan.

Hi, Lucille.
Welcome to the show.

l'm happy to be here.

l'm happy you're here.
So, um...

So, um, what do you do?

Well, actually, she's just written
a book about car repair.

- What kind of car do you drive?
- An ' Park Avenue.

[whistles]

Does it run on Metamucil?

That baby has a four barreled carb,

high-rise manifold, and it will blow
your car right off the road, little man.

[inaudible]

Well, you know, l just read your book
a couple of months ago.

l couldn't put it down.

Oh, thank you, Al.

You had to read a book about cars, Al?

lf you'd read Lucille's book you'd know

women have come up with ways to repair
cars men never even thought of.

- Like what?
- What if you had a split radiator hose?

Duh!

You replace it.

OK. lt's : in the morning
and you're stranded.

l'd call you, wake you up
and you'd put it on.

But if you were a woman,
you'd take off your scarf.

- You'd take off your belt...
- Lucille!

lt's a family show, honey.

You wrap the scarf around
the split hose,

and then tighten the belt
around the scarf.

- That's a great idea.
- [applause]

There are other ways that women
have an advantage over men.

We have this heightened
sense of smell.

That's right.
Which easily enables them

to detect car problems by their odor.

- Anybody can do that.
- OK, wise guy.

What if you have a sweet,
steamy smell coming from your car?

- What would that mean?
- l had too many kielbasas at lunch.

No, Tim.

That would mean that your car
is leaking hot coolant.

Actually, they're both right.

OK, chicken cacciatore...

We gotta dredge the chicken.

What does ''dredge'' mean?

l have no idea.

Go look it up
in that cooking encyclopedia.

l'm gonna move on.

Mince half an onion.

While you're looking up ''dredge''
look up ''mince''.

All right. l found ''dredge''.
lt means coat the chicken with flour.

l know how to do that!
OK, come here.

Yeah. Put the chicken in there.

OK.

Then we dump in some flour.

Here we go.

All right.

And we close the bag.

And shake.

Whatcha doing, The Hokey Poultry?

You grab a bag of chicken
and you shake it all around.

Just remember, it's all in the wrist.

- Here, take this one.
- OK.

- How's the article coming?
- lt's going great.

Lauren's coming over tomorrow to finish.
We're working well together.

- She seems like a nice girl.
- Yeah, l really like her.

You know, her... her writing.

- [doorbell rings]
- l'll get that.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh. Hey, Randy.

Hi. What are you doing here?

We're picking up Brad and Angela
to go to a concert.

- Who's we?
- ''We'' would be me.

- You?
- Me.

Angela said she's late
so we'll have to get her on the way.

- Be home by : .
- All right, Mom. Love you.

- See you tomorrow, Randy.
- Right. OK.

l didn't know that Lauren
was going out with Jason.

Yeah, neither did l.

- You all right?
- Yeah, l'm fine.

- Sure you're not upset?
- Why would l be upset?

l don't know. 'Cause a nice girl
like that's going out with Jason.

Why should l care, Mom?

l told you a million times,
Lauren and l are just friends.

[Jill] Tim?

You were right.

[Tim] l know.

Don't you want to know about what?

Don't care.
l just love being right.

Randy does have feelings for Lauren but
Lauren doesn't have feelings for him.

She's going out with Jason.

Nyah.

What could she possibly see in Jason?

That guy's dad drives a Pacer.

Well, Randy's really hurting.

You remember what it feels like
to be rejected.

Yes, l do.

l remember hearing
every excuse in the book.

[high-pitched voice]
''l gotta wash my hair.''

''No, no, no. l've got a touch
of the plague. That's what l've got.''

''No, no. l've got to de-worm
my schnauzer.''

You must have felt awful.

Yeah, but you came around.

Well, l feel really bad for Randy.

We're not gonna take this lying down.

- What are we talking about?
- We'll get her back.

We never had her!

We're gonna play up the car thing, OK?

l'll invite her over to the garage.
We'll work on the hot rod.

While we're shaving the door handles,
l'll talk Randy up big time,

do a couple of my jokes.
Bing, bang, boom.

We got her back.

Tim, that's not gonna work.

Apparently, you've never
seen me in action.

Unfortunately, l have.

Hi, Wilson.

What's all that smoke?

Well, Jill,
l'm burning food as a sacrifice

for the Chinese festival
of hungry ghosts.

Well, that's a switch.

For once l'm cooking something good
and you're burning food.

Of course, the people eating my food
are already dead.

l'm making chicken cacciatore.
You got any fresh oregano?

Yes, indeed.

l just picked a fresh batch here
to burn for my ghosts.

Thanks.

You, uh, happen to have anything
for a broken heart?

Randy is devastated because this girl
that he really likes

- is going out with somebody else.
- Ah. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

Oh, l know how painful that can be.

l'll never forget losing my first love,
Debbie Ann.

We were in fourth grade.
l guess we were about nine years of age.

We were inseparable until one day
at the playground we had a big fight.

About what?

l was a big believer
in laissez-faire capitalism,

and she was a neo-Maist.

- Kids.
- Mm-hmm. True.

l wish l could make Randy feel better.

Well, unfortunately,
during those turbulent teenage years,

there's not really much a parent can do.

lt just goes totally
against my instincts.

l mean, when my kid has a problem,
l just want to rush in and fix it.

But if Randy learns
to fend for himself now,

then when he's an adult
he'll be more independent.

Well, who better to help him
be independent than his mother?

Jill, l know this is rough on you,
but Randy will get through this.

ln the words of famous German
philosopher Friedrich Nietzche,

''That which does not destroy me
only makes me stronger''.

What did Nietzche know?
He wasn't a mother.

Jill, maybe you're being
just a wee bit overprotective.

Oh, what do you know?
You're not a mother either.

Well, thanks for stopping by.

lt's always a pleasure.

Mom, hi.

What are you doing up?

l gotta put away the chicken cacciatore.
What are you doing?

l was just waiting for Brad to get back
from the concert.

They're a little late.

Yeah, Jason probably got them
backstage passes.

How would he do that?

Oh, by complimenting the security guard
on his hygiene.

Did you hear that car door?

- No.
- Oh.

Honey.

lt really hurt my feelings

when they didn't want me
to cook anything for the potluck.

lt hurts to be rejected.

Whether it's over cooking
or relationships.

You're not comparing your tuna surprise
to my life?

Not anymore.

Well, Mom, at least your tuna surprise
got a chance.

l never got my chance with Lauren.
l waited too long and now it's too late.

Honey, it's one concert.
lt's just one date.

lf l had to choose between you and Jason
it would definitely be you.

You're my mother.

Jason is obnoxious.

He's sneaky. His father drives a Pacer,
for God's sake.

So, you're saying
l might still have a chance with Lauren.

Honey, if there's hope for me
to cook a decent meal,

there's hope for you and Lauren.

So, you're saying there's no hope?

All right, all right.

Try this.

Come on.

Wow. That's...
That's fantastic.

- lt tastes like food.
- Yeah!

Gosh.

You know, they say

that it's hard for teenage boys
to open up to their mothers.

So, l guess...

...you and l have
a very special relationship.

l mean, we share our emotions
and our innermost feelings.

lt really moves me

when you have a problem
and you feel comfortable coming to me,

pouring out your heart...

Randy?

Ran...

Well...

''So, according to Mrs. Rupinni,
without funding for the ballet club,

there will be no production this year.''

''Students, teachers and parents,
we are due to speak up.

Don't let this be the swan song
for Swan Lake. ''

Hey, that's a great ending.

You know, Randy,
you and l make a pretty great team.

Yeah, we do, don't we?

Well, l'd better go.
l've still got tons of homework to do.

Uh, Lauren, you got a minute?

Yeah, sure.
What's up?

Uh, nothin' special, it's just
we've been working the whole time.

We really haven't had a chance to talk.

Well, what do you want to talk about?

You know, whatever.

Weather, politics,
how your date with Jason went.

lt wasn't a date.
A bunch of us went to see a concert.

Oh. See, l thought it was a date.

So did Jason.

He kept putting his arm around me
and complimenting my hygiene.

What a jerk.

l'd never be interested
in someone like him.

- That's fantastic.
- lt is?

Well, no. l mean, not for Jason.
But it would be for...

...the guy you would be interested in
going out with, whoever that might be.

Randy, what are you trying to say?

Well, um...

l was just wondering, you know,
if you're not too busy sometime,

maybe you'd like to go out on a date.

- l don't think so.
- OK. Forget l said it. Bad idea.

No.

No, it's not you, Randy.

lt's just that...
l'm not ready to start dating yet.

l'm just having more fun
hanging out with my friends.

- Like you and me hang out?
- Yeah.

Cool. And then when you are ready
to start dating?

l just hope you're still available.

Well, at the moment
my calendar's wide open.

Hey, Lauren.
Randy, just the car guy l'm lookin' for.

l got those tickets to the hot rod show
you wanted to go to. He loves his cars.

- Dad, l...
- Guess who l saw at the ticket office.

Jason's parole officer.

He doesn't hold out a lot of promise
for that kid.

l pity the woman that dates
a guy like that, l'll tell you that.

What women need

are good car-loving,
ballet-appreciating guys.

Kinda like Randy.

Randy?

Lauren?

l'm so proud of Randy
for telling Lauren how he felt.

Yeah, they're still friends.

Which means she still might stop over
and help me work on the car.

lf l had known a girl
could turn out like Lauren

l might have tried for a daughter.

l've always told you
how much fun it would be

to have a girl around the house.

Spoil her and buy her
little girly things.

That's so sweet.

What would you buy for her?

Oh, a little pink ratchet set.

A soft, cuddly,
little stuffed muscle car.

Baby's first tire iron.

And what would you do
when your adorable little girl

started dating guys like Jason?

Well, that's what the tire iron's for.