06x20 - My Son, the Driver

[bunniefuu]

- Does everybody know what time it is?
- Tool Time!

That's right. Binford Tools is proud to
present, Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor!

Hey!

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, everybody.
Good audience. Thank you, Heidi.

Welcome to ''Tool Time.'' l...
l am Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor.

And, of course, you all know
my assistant Al Borland!

- [audience cheers]
- [applause]

Thank you.

Thank you.
And welcome to our salute...

[engine revs]

...to engines.

Today we're gonna tell you
how to put a little kick in your V .

l'll tell you how
l put a kick in my V ... vodka!

[audience laughs]

We're talking about V engines.

We'll be showing you the difference
between a stock V

and a high-performance lndy car engine.

- [audience] Ooh...
- [Tim] Yeah!

And who better to talk about
these engines than our first guest,

a racing legend, put them together,
ladies and gentlemen, for Al Unser!

- [audience cheers, applauds]
- [band plays introduction]

- [band stops playing]
- Great to be here.

Uh... sure it is, son. But l'm talking
about the other Al Unser!

[band plays]

- [band stops]
- Great to be here, Tim.

Yeah, l'm sure it is. But l'm talking
about the other Al Unser!

- [band plays]
- [audience cheers]

- [band stops]
- Thank you for having us here, Tim.

Ladies and gentlemen,
three generations of Al Unsers.

l'll tell you, this could get confusing.
What do l call you?

- [all] Al.
- Well, that clears that up.

l'm Al, Senior. This is Al, Junior.
And this is just Al.

Well, you're never ''just an Al.''

- Great to have you on the show.
- Nice to meet you, Mr. Borland.

Oh, please! Let's not be so ''form-Al.''

You see, around Tool Time
we're pretty ''casu-Al.''

[chuckles] Keep that up and ''A'll''
be ripping up your contract.

What brings you gentlemen
to the big Motor City?

Al's doing some testing at
the Michigan lnternational Speedway.

And Al's gonna be going with me.

And Al is doing some go-cart racing.

Uh, there... Al... that Al.
You must be pretty proud of the boy.

My older son gets his license today.

- Cool!
- Congratulations. lt's a big day.

- Have a cigar.
- Yeah.

Enough shilly-shallying.
Let's talk engines.

''Shilly-shallying''?
l'm ''shorry'' you had to hear that.

Come on over here, guys.

All right. Just generally, tell us
the difference between a racing engine

- and a passenger car engine, Al.
- [Als talk]

Stop! Stop! Stop!
Um... l'm talking about this Al.

Well, it's a methanol engine
instead of a gas-burning engine.

And l believe the heads
are made from ''Al-luminum.''

- lt's my favorite ''Al-loy.''
- [audience laughs]

- Al should take it from here now.
- Which Al?

That Al.

Well, actually,
Al knows more than l do.

- Which Al?
- Big Al.

- My Al?
- His Al.

- Which Al?
- Al's Al.

All right, stop! This...

- l got it. What's your middle names?
- [all Als] We don't have any.

- Shoe size?
- [both] Nine.

- lnseam?
- [both] Thirty-two.

l got an idea. Come here. You tell us
the difference between the engines.

l'm just a kid.
You'll have to ask Al.

- Al, help me out.
- [all] OK.

[theme song]

- Good morning.
- There he is.

Ready for your driver's test?

l've been ready ever since
Dad woke me up at : a.m.

He was so excited he couldn't sleep.

Well, to get you off to a good start,

l made you a nice,
solid breakfast.

So solid you need
a jackhammer to get through it.

[sighs] l'm too nervous to eat anything.
l just want to get this test over with.

Me, too. The sooner you pass,
the sooner you can drive me places.

You know, he's not getting his license
so he can drive you around.

So, you driving me
to the movies tonight?

Forget it. You kids want everything
handed to you on a platter.

Oh, yeah, Brad.
Times have changed since you were a kid.

Just don't bug me. l gotta relax.
Just hope l pass this test.

You'll do fine.

lf you don't pass this time,
you can take it again.

Ooh, bite your tongue.

- What do you mean ''if he doesn't pass?''
- Tim, don't pressure him.

Taylor men have always passed
their driver's test first time out.

Except your Uncle Marty.

First Taylor to break tradition.

And to this very day,
he's been hounded constantly.

- By who?
- Me.

Let's get out of here. Hanging
around here makes me more nervous.

Just relax. Relax. Relax.

You're gonna pass this test
with flying colors.

lf you don't,
your father won't hound you.

That's what we're here for.

l'm sorry, Patty. We'll have to meet
your boyfriend another time.

Brad's taking his driver's test today.

Yeah, if he passes,
we're gonna go out and celebrate.

Oh, good! There's Brad and Tim.
l'll call you back. Bye!

- The tradition continues!
- l passed!

So did l!

l took the test again
just for the hell of it.

l am so proud of you.
Congratulations!

- How do you feel about me?
- Words can't describe it.

Let me see.

You have one of the most important
documents you'll ever receive.

- Yeah? What about his marriage license?
- Like l said...

We're gonna celebrate tonight.
So, you get to pick the place.

Actually, l told some guys l'd go out
and celebrate with them if l passed.

- Oh.
- You don't mind, do you, honey?

- l guess not.
- So, where are we going?

Like l said, it's me and the guys.

You don't mind, do you, honey?

We're going to the basketball
game and then for pizza.

- l got the Nomad, right?
- Have fun.

[repeating] Wait, wait, wait!
Just that? Have fun?

- You're not gonna lay down rules?
- l'm getting to that.

All right. Obey all traffic laws,
especially no speeding.

Keep that seat belt fastened. No kids
drinking, smoking. No sex, no dr*gs.

- Or anything else.
- What else is there?

Plenty. Alright.

No oval sh*ts in parking lots
or doing doughnuts in people's lawns.

And absolutely, absolutely...

...no mooning
while the car's in gear.

- What about when it's not?
- Use your best judgment.

Look, this is kind of
a scary thing for a mom,

her son's first night out driving.

So, l want you to call me at :
on the dot to let me know you're OK.

- Alright, fine.
- ln by : ?

- : .
- : ? My normal curfew's at eleven.

You want to be treated like an adult,
do what your mother tells you.

- Hi, girl.
- Hi.

Oh. This is Doug.
This is Jill.

- Nice to meet you.
- Good to meet you.

- This is Tim, Doug.
- Tim Taylor.

- Nice to see you.
- l'm glad you could make it.

Brad decided to drive his friends
to the basketball game.

He said that he's gonna
call here right at : sharp.

So, if this phone rings,
will we hear it?

Jill, there's nothing
to be nervous about.

- l'm not nervous.
- [timer dings]

- Brad? Oh?
- No, no, no. Oven timer.

- OK, OK, yes. l'm a little jumpy.
- Yeah.

l don't know why. l just have a
feeling something bad's gonna happen.

He'll be fine. Our son got
his driver's license today.

Whoa! The most important document
he'll ever receive, huh?

Alright. You know, l think
l like this guy you're dating.

Oh, good. Because your approval
means everything to me.

Jill, what can l get you to drink?

Oh, red wine, white wine,
anything, whatever... liquor.

- Tim?
- Um... a light scotch.

Scotch for ''The Tool Man.''

l gotta tell you,
everybody at work loves your show.

- Where do you work?
- l'm a general contractor.

No kidding?

Doug is helping build Stan's
Polish restaurant in Highland Park.

- l love those kielbasas, boy! Yeah.
- Yeah.

l hope you're putting a heavy-duty
exhaust fan in that bathroom.

Oh, yeah. l put a -volt
ball-bearing motor with an auto reset.

[grunting] Oh, yeah!

That'll suck the fumes
right out of ya!

The guy knows his ventilation.

That's what l look for in a guy.

Oh, thank you.

So, your son just got
his license, huh?

Oh, yeah.

There's nothing like
a guy's first night with a car.

- l'll never forget mine.
- Why? What was it like?

Well, l had a ' Lincoln.

- With the su1c1de doors!
- [Doug] lt was a t*nk.

We crammed about people into it and
drag raced a buddy into the next county.

We had to be going miles an hour.

A hundred-and-twenty miles per hour?

Well, we slowed down
to moon the pedestrians.

l think we've heard enough
about your first night out.

Wait, let me tell you about mine.

l had this old Catalina.
lt had a big , marvelous car.

Packed my buddies in,
drove around figuring out what to do.

We decided we were gonna race
a freight train. So, we get...

Then we realized
we had all these overdue books

that should go back to the library.

And, uh...

...then went over to my Aunt Winnie's
for Bible study and hot chocolate.

Well, there you go. lt's after : .
Brad still hasn't called.

lt's : . Why are you so worried?

Two words, ''freight train.''

First, freight trains
don't run around here anymore.

And second, Brad is a lot more
responsible than l was at his age.

- You know, that's true.
- [Tim] Yes.

Brad's pretty calm and rational.
Just like me.

- [telephone rings]
- That's Brad!

Since it's my apartment,
it might be for me.

Hello?

OK. Just calm down.
Tell me everything that happened.

lt's Brad. What is it? What's wrong?

Mother, if you just had a root canal,
why are you eating Gummy Bears?

Stop obsessing.
You'll make yourself sick.

Mom, you have to hold on.
l've got another call.

Hello?

Oh, my God!

l knew it! Something's happened to Brad!

A baby girl?

My son had a baby girl.

That was a very good meal, Patty.
Don't you think so, Jill?

Oh, yeah. Really, really good.
OK. l know why he hasn't called.

He was on his way to the game.

One of the other kids said,
''Let's go to a party.''

So, now they're smoking dope
and driving a miles an hour

with their butts all smushed up
against the windows.

Well, you know, the Nomad's
the perfect car for it.

Lots of big windows. Yeah!

How can you joke
at a time like this?

Where was that phone call?
lt's not like him not to call.

lt's a big night for him.
He's probably looking for a phone.

l know what we should do.

We should call the school and have him
just paged at the basketball game.

- Well, that would go over big.
- [spoon clinks]

Johnson sh**t a three-pointer.
What a shot that was!

Look at...oh, hold on a minute.
Yeah. Yup. Yup. OK.

Brad Taylor, your mommy's on the phone.

l know something's wrong.

- lt's just... a mother's instinct.
- Mother's paranoia.

Don't dismiss my feelings.
Would you like to be dismissed?

Yes, l would.

Help me out here, Doug.
Tell her she's overreacting, please.

lt's a little stuffy in here.
Why don't l check the ventilation?

The air is fine! The only problem
is Brad might be in trouble.

- And Tim doesn't care. Right, Patty?
- You're right.

l detect a little airborne mold.

- [phone rings]
- That had better be him.

Hello? Hi, Brad.

There he is.
Everything's all right.

- Uh-huh.
- ls everything OK?

Hold on.

Uh... Brad's been in a little accident.

Oh, god!

All you're saying is that you bumped
the car into a telephone pole?

No, honey. The important thing
is that nobody got hurt.

- Thank God.
- Listen, we're gonna come right home.

OK. We love you. Bye-bye.

- l am so relieved.
- So am l. How's the car?

l don't know. l didn't ask him.

- What do you mean?
- Who cares about the car?

- lt's a classic Nomad.
- l was more concerned about our son.

l was concerned, but he's OK.
l just wanna know the damage.

Well, it couldn't be as bad as when you
dropped that three-ton beam on it.

Wait. You dropped a beam
on a classic Nomad?

Yeah, yeah. You know...

...the up side was l got to cherry it
out, l dropped a big block in it.

- Oh, man! l sure hope that car's OK.
- Doug. Shut up.

- Doug, nice to meet you.
- Yeah, same here.

- Bye. Thanks.
- Bye.

- l'm glad Brian wasn't hurt.
- His name is Brad.

lt rhymes with Nomad.
That's how l remember.

- Oh.
- [Jill mouthing] l'm sorry.

You hit a car?

Yeah. l rear-ended a guy
over on Woodworth.

How come you told
Mom and Dad you hit a pole?

Because l enjoy breathing?

The guy said if l gave him $ ,
he wouldn't tell.

- And you're off the hook?
- Exactly.

As soon as you guys loan me $ .

Well, don't you mean us kids?

Yeah. What do we get out of it?

We get Brad to be our
personal chauffeur.

Hey! Maybe he could wear
a uniform and a little hat.

l like it.

Oh, Brad! l'm glad you're all right.

- You're all right? Sure?
- Yeah.

Oh, boy! Well...

...oh, it's not as bad as l thought.
Just the bumper here.

A broken headlight. ls this green paint?
You said you hit a phone pole.

Yeah. The pole was green.

The color of money.

l'm really sorry. Take the money out
of my account and pay for the bumper.

That's all right.
lt's just a minor deal.

Eddie owes me a favor
down at the body shop.

You gotta be more careful, Brad. Next
time this could be a serious accident.

[sighs] Honey, this was a fluke.
He's a great driver.

lt's not like he hit a car, right?

Right.

[tires screech]

Thanks for the ride. As soon as l get
a snack, l'm gonna need another lift.

[sighs]

- Now where am l taking you?
- l don't know. Surprise me.

l love the way you're driving
your brother around. lt's a big help.

Oh, yeah. That's why l'm
doing it. To help you.

Well, thanks. Listen, guys,
l have to go to school.

Oh, we never got to celebrate
you getting your license.

So, why don't we
take you to dinner tonight?

- You don't have to do it.
- l know. l want to.

l mean, you had a little accident.
But, you were honest about it.

You learned something from it.
Ultimately, it had a positive effect.

Yes, it has.

OK. l'll see you guys later.

[phone rings]

Hello? No. Mr. Taylor's not here. Can l
take a message?

Uh, yeah.

George Preston.

Attorney for Michael McGrath.

McGrath! Give me that!

[deep voice] Yes, this is Mr. Taylor.

Uh-huh. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. My son's accident.

[grunts]

He told me that was all settled.

[regular voice] Whiplash?! No way!

[deep voice] Uh, actually,
l'll talk to my son about that, sir.

Thank you.

Sounds like your son's in a
bit of trouble.

[sirens]

[Wilson humming]

Hey, Wilson.
What are you doing?

[Wilson] Well, hi-ho, Taylor teen.

l am sculpting a shrine
out of yak butter.

- Yak butter?
- [Wilson] Mm-hmm.

lt spreads so much easier
than yak margarine.

[laughs]

Actually, making shrines
is a traditional way

of celebrating the Buddhist
prayer festival of Tibet.

Yeah. l've been doing
some praying of my own.

l dented somebody's car.
l'm praying my dad doesn't k*ll me.

You hit a car?
Your father told me you hit a pole.

- That's what l told him.
- Oh.

l didn't want him to get mad
and take my license away.

Well, Brad, what makes you
think he would've been so strict?

- Driving's everything to my dad.
- Hmm.

He was the youngest member
to ever join Triple A.

Well, l know that. l saw the slides
of his first emergency roadside service.

l'm gonna need a pretty big
tow truck to pull me out of this mess.

So, you're saying that if your father
found out you hit another car,

he would view that
as an unforgivable offense?

Yeah.

Well, Brad, it seems to me he might
consider lying a far worse offense.

So either way,
l'm in deep yak butter.

[SlGH] You know, Brad,

the novelist Han Suyin had some very
choice words for situations like this.

''Truth, like surgery, might hurt.

But it cures.''

Yeah. My mom and dad also have a few
choice words for situations like this.

But, l'm not allowed to say 'em.

Dad, l need to talk to you
about something.

- l think l know what you're gonna say.
- You do?

Yup. For dinner tonight, you
want a big steak. Thick and fatty.

A big baked potato,
smothered in sour cream and butter.

And a three-pound onion loaf.

- Actually...
- Hey, guys.

Brad, where do you want to go
to dinner tonight?

No girlie salad bar.
This boy is screaming for meat.

Look, l need to talk to you
guys about the accident l had.

l didn't hit a pole,
l hit a car.

- You hit what?
- Why didn't you tell us?

Well, l didn't want you to get mad at me
and take my license away.

You thought you'd lie
and get away with it?

l guess so. Plus the guy said if l gave
him $ , he'd forget the whole thing.

- What guy?
- The guy in the other car who's suing.

- What?
- [repeating] Wait! Wait!

[stammers] Back the sue canoe up here!

l need the whole story,
the truth right now.

The guy in front of me hit his brakes.

l couldn't stop fast enough,
so l swerved and bumped into him.

He said he was fine. But his lawyer
called today, he's suing us...

...says he has whiplash.

- l don't believe it.
- Neither do l.

No one gets whiplash.
lt's just a scam.

No. l mean about Brad.
l can't believe that you lied to us.

[quietly] l'm sorry.

Well, sorry doesn't cut it!

We gave you the keys to the car
and our trust.

- You blew it.
- What if this had been a big accident?

lf somebody was k*lled or hurt,
would you have kept that from us?

Look, l know l made a mistake. And l'm
ready to accept the consequences.

- [Jill sighs]
- Good!

- You're not driving for days.
- Thirty days?

That sounds fair.

What did l tell you? Mother's instinct.

First night out driving,
has an accident, tells a big fat lie.

Well, at least we got them
both all out in one night.

He's got years of driving ahead of him.
And we still got two kids to go.

When the other boys are driving,
will you be a nervous wreck?

No. Just when l have an instinct.

- Well, when will that be?
- l don't know.

- That's why they call it an instinct.
- [laughs]

Don't you have any worries
about our boys driving?

Of course l have worries
about them driving.

l'm worried they'll be as
bad a driver as l was at that age.

That story l told you at Patty's
about going to the library...

- Yeah.
-[false crying] lt wasn't true.

- Yeah. l figured that out.
- What gave it away?

Tim, have you ever
been near a library?

Yes.

Well, the parking lot.
That's where l learned to do donuts.

Welcome back to the final day of
''Engine Week'' here on Tool Time.

To end it with a bang,
we brought back our special guests

- you met earlier in the week.
- Yes, we did.

This time l made a few changes to make
this show easier to follow.

Let's bring out the Al's.
Come on, everybody!

[Tim] No confusion now. You have Big Al,
Little Al, Norm-Al. And, of course...

...Abnorm-Al.

l don't think so, Tim.

- [audience cheers]
- [ladies swooning]