06x01 - Mrs. Bixby and the Colonel's Coat

[bunniefuu]

Good evening
ladies and gentlemen.

And welcome to a new season
of Alfred Hitchcock Presents.

As has been our custom,

we shall present homie little
stories of an unusual nature.

We shall continue to give the
little man or woman, his due.

When crime is occasionally
dealt with,

it will be crime as practiced
by ordinary people

like the fellow next door.

I think that by spring

a large number of you
will be thinking of moving.

There is one aspect of this
program which has changed.

If you have tuned in to hear
me make snide remarks

about an innocent sponsor,

you are doomed
to disappointment.

I'm proud to say

I have resolved my antagonisms

and have become completely
sponsor oriented.

I have met our new sponsor

and find him to be
agreeable, charming.

witty, honest,

sincere, intelligent,

dependable, trustworthy

loyal, brave,

clean and reverent.

Tonight show is entitled

Mrs. Bixby and the Colonel's Coat.

But first, unfortunately,
we have one of those...

But first, fortunately we
have one of those intelligent,

amusing, dignified, provocative,

brilliantly conceived, but
painfully short commercials.

Oh, good morning.
Come right in.

I can wait if he's busy.

Oh, no. No.

Excuse me.
But I believe I'm next.

You certainly are, Mr. Evans.

Now, don't press down.

We'll let that harden
for a few minutes.

Your wife's here.

Oh, good.

Well, what have we here?

Your lunch, darling.

I had some salmon leftover.

Oh, thank you, dear.

Oh, and I... have some
bad news for you.

The man says the washing
machine just isn't worth fixing,

and then there's this.

This what?

I don't know how to act upon
they're after more money.

And that's from three year ago.

All of a sudden, they just upped and
decide that we owe them more money.

All right, darling.
Don't get upset.

I know. But you work so hard,

and we always seem to
be just a little bit behind.

Hmm. Come on, sweetheart.
You're gonna miss your train.

Oh, all right.

Bye-bye.

That is a new suit, isn't it?

No, silly. It's an old suit.

It's just fall, that's all.

I got out my old fall suit.

Well, it's very becoming.

But I wish you hadn't
brought me potato chips.

Oh, now don't be silly.

With all the hours that you put in

a little self-indulgence
isn't going to hurt you.

You mean, once a month
I can have potato chips?

Yes, darling.

Every time I go to visit Aunt Maud,
you can have potato chips.

I'll see you tomorrow.

All right. I'll be home
in time to get dinner.

Darling.

Don't you think sometime...
you can give up these visits?

Oh, now, Fred.

She's the only family that
I have, you know that.

She's put me through school.
She's been everything.

Now two days a month.
That's not much.

But two days... that's one night.

That's one night
I don't have you.

Oh, now, Fred. If I were home,
you just go bowling.

Now stop pouting.

You don't have
a mother-in-law,

and you don't have
a father-in-law.

All you have in the world to worry
about is one poor old aunt-in-law.

All right.
Goodbye.

I'll see you tomorrow night.

All right.

Oh, this beautiful
beautiful house.

Honestly, you'll just never
know the feeling it gives me

just to be in a room this size.

What will you have, the same?

Oh, the woods are lovely.

The leaves are turning.

You know, wonderful
thing about you.

Oh, I see.
You got the Golden Maple.

You've never come down here...

for eight years, summer or winter.

You've never come down here without
stopping at exactly that same spot...

and admiring the view.

You know something
wonderful about you?

You always notice
that I noticed the view.

Why, any other man would...

Well, honestly, if you're
not washing his shirts

or getting his lunch or fighting
off bill collectors, well they...

they hardly even notice you at all.

Aren't you listening to me?

I'm sorry.

I was looking at your eyes.

Didn't hear your words.

Now come on, you hardly even
know what color they are.

Darling.

Look how the rhododendrons
have grown.

And did you see the franklinia?

Greatest bloom in years.

Yes, they are lovely.

I planted those the year we met.

Remember?

Remember what?

Remember me in a hospital
bed, you in a white uniform?

Very nice fitting uniform
it was indeed.

- Hmm.
- And such style.

Not the uniform,
the girl who wore it.

Oh, darling.
Please don't say anymore.

Or if you do, kindly say
something stupid like

"how are your cavities?"

Because if you don't, I'm afraid
my knees will collapse and I'll...

spill your lovely bourbon
all over your lovely terrace.

Er rye, dear.

You're in Baltimore now.
We drink rye.

Yes.

I knew I wasn't in New York.

Darling, I have an errand to do.

- Now?
- Now don't worry.

You go up and change
and get comfortable.

- I'll be right back.
- What's your errand?

Oh, wonderful thing happened.

A neighbor of mine d*ed.

You remember old Harrington?

Finest stables on the
Eastern seaboard.

Well, we buried him yesterday
morning and his wife...

You don't have to go, do you?

His wife, who hated his horses
even more than she hated him.

Well, she decided to sell
every last one of them

before he's cold in the ground.

- You mean now?
- Oh, no. Tomorrow. At morning.

At the fairgrounds.
An auction.

But I've only just arrived.

Sweetie. Don't be upset.

I have to study the horses
before I do any bidding.

But I am upset.

When will you be back?

In time for our cocktail
before dinner.

Excuse me.

I got your things
laid out, Mrs. Bixby.

And your bath is drawn.

Thank you, Eloise.

Actually the only wild horse,
I mean really wild

not descended from a
domesticated horse,

like a mustang.

The only wild horse is the Tarpan
you can find in the Gobi desert.

It's small, dun-colored,
mane is short and red.

Moves in herds of five or more.

Each herd led by a stallion.

Oh, darling. John is here.

Oh, good morning, John.

Darling, I'm terribly sorry
that I have to take off

before you're ready to leave.

But you know, auction like this
doesn't happen twice in a lifetime.

Excuse me.
I got to run inside of it.

Be right out.
Be right there, John!

- Eloise!
- Yes, sir?

- You have the box?
- It's right here, sir.

As soon as I go,
give it to Mrs. Bixby.

- I will.
- And give her this letter with it.

- Be sure to give her the letter.
- I will, sir.

I'm terribly sorry.

I'd go to the station with
you, but I really can't.

Oh, don't worry, darling.
Goodbye.

And take care of yourself.

I will.

Colonel told me
to give you this.

Oh, good gracious.
What an enormous box!

Why, whatever could be,
didn't he say?

Oh, Eloise.
This is exciting.

It's just like Christmas.

There's a note with it, ma'am.

I don't think I'll look.
I think I'll just feel first.

Oh, no.

Oh, it can't be true.

Oh, I've never seen anything
like it in my life.

Wild Labrador mink.

Oh, just feel so deep and so soft.

Smell it. What a wonderful smell.

Aren't you going to try it on?

He insisted Mrs. Bixby to wear.

You think it was to eat?

Eloise. It must have
costs at least $ , .

Easily, ma'am,
it could have costs $ , .

Oh!

Oh, just wait until I walk into
a restaurant with this on.

Just perfect for you, ma'am.

Eloise, it's what every woman needs.

I don't want to hurry you, ma'am.

But if we're taking the usual train,
we should be leaving.

Oh, I didn't realize it's so late.

It's : .

- I'll be with you in a moment, Thompson.
- Yes, ma'am.

I've got your bag all packed.

I'll get it for you.

Please accept the coat with my
gratitude and best wishes.

For personal reasons,
I'm afraid...

I shall not be able to
see you anymore.

PS. If they wonder at home,

just tell him that nice Aunt
of yours gave it to you.

Your bags are in the car, ma'am.

Thank you.

What about the coat?
Shall I pack it or will you wear it?

Oh, no.

No, I can't wear.
You see my husb...

Eloise, would you...
just put it back in the box?

I think it's a little
too warm to wear it.

Oh, driver. Stop here.

Wait for me, will you?

Yes, ma'am.

Oh. Good evening.
I, uh...

I seem to have lost my
wallet and well, the...

banks don't open again
until Monday, and I...

well I just simply have to have
some money for the weekend.

I'll see what you got.

It does seem silly to pawn this for
the little bit that I need, but...

You see, I just didn't seem
to have anything else.

How much you want?

Really it's a fantastic coat.

Yeah, how much?

Uh, fifty.

Name?

Wild Labrador mink.

No, no, no, no. Your name.

My name?

You don't have to
use the name, do you?

What if you lose the ticket?

Anybody can pick it up and
come in and claim the coat?

Oh, I won't lose the ticket.

Okay.

What do you want me to put
for description of article?

Don't put anything.

Look, Lady. This is a ticket.

This ticket tears in half.

I give you half, I keep half.

On each half, it says article.

I got to write what article.

Oh, why don't you just write
dollars on each ticket?

The numbers are the same.

Okay. It's no skin off my nose.

Well,

how was everything in Baltimore?

Fine.

Well, I worked late last night.

I stayed and cast some inlays.

Oh, no, Fred.

Why can't you let other people
do your donkey work for you?

You're much too important for that.

I'm extremely proud of my inlays.

And you see...

what I brought for measuring the mood.

Why do you have to do them?

I can get it to the nearest
milligram with this.

Darling, I have rather...

I seem to have the sniffles.

Darling,

by the way, look what I
found in the cab today.

It's a ticket with
a number on it.

I thought it might be a
lottery ticket or something,

so I kept it.

It's a pawn ticket.

A pawn ticket?

Oh, dear. I was hoping it was
for the Irish sweepstakes.

Well, if you want to pay $ ,
you can get the article.

How would I be sure
it was worth $ ?

Oh, it must be worth it.

They wouldn't give more
than percent on the value.

Do you mean it could be worth $ ?
That little ticket?

- Sure.
- Oh, I think this is exciting.

Sure.

Who knows what we'll get.

Honey, it's my ticket.
I found it.

What difference does it make?

I'll find out what it is
Monday morning.

But I found it.
I ought to go, won't I?

Honey, you don't know
anything about pawnbrokers.

You're liable to get cheated.

I wouldn't get cheated, Fred.
Honest.

Anyway...

you don't have $ , do you?

Do you, dear?

So how can you redeem it?

Well, I just thought it
might be fun to go myself

and discover what it is.

All right, I'll tell you what.

We'll go together.

What?

Monday morning, you and I will
go to the pawnbrokers together.

Oh, no.

Why not?

Well, I... I certainly wouldn't want
to be seen going in a place like that.

No. On second thought, darling,

I think it'd be
much more exciting

if I stay behind and
you find out what it is.

Well...

Any way you like.

Fred,

would you promise me one thing?

If it does turn out to be something
wonderful, you know like...

oh, a beautiful watch for you,

will you phone me the instant
you find out what it is?

You bet I will.

Well...

Here's to Monday morning.

Well, Mrs. Edward, you sure
are going to be a beauty

when I get through with you.

Open, please.

Telephone, doctor.

Yes.

Oh, hello.

Oh, gee. I'm sorry.
I forgot all about it.

Forgot it?

What do you mean you forgot it?

Oh, no, no.
I didn't forget the go.

I just forget to call you.

Oh, Fred, now do tell me.
What is it?

I think, darling, you'll find
it a very pleasant surprise.

Look. I'll bring it home
with me tonight.

Good-bye.

Bye-bye.

Oh, Mr. Gorman,
we didn't expect you.

I have a little trouble.

I'm sorry. But the doctor
is just going out for lunch.

It's broken.

Broken your denture?

Oh, what a shame.
Just a moment.

Oh, Mr. Gorman's outside
with the broken clasp.

Do you think you could
fix it before you go?

- Oh, sure. Send him in.
- Yo-hoo, darling. May I come in?

I was just up in the
neighborhood shopping.

And I just couldn't wait
to see what you got me.

Hello, dear.

Oh, you can go out to lunch
now, Miss Pulteney.

I can manage with Mr. Gorman.

Oh, Fred. Where is it?

In the closet.

Shut your eyes.

All right.

You can look now.

There you are, precious.

Feast your eyes on this.

Go ahead, take it.

What's the matter?
Don't you like it?

Oh, why, yes.

It cost me fifty bucks.

It'll have to do for your
Christmas present.

Well, that's lovely.

Now... let's try it on.

Oh, it's perfect.

It really suits you.

You know it isn't every
woman who has a mink.

No, it isn't.

Well, you run along, dear.
I have to take care of Mr. Gorman.

I wish I could take you to lunch,

but I'm just so busy.

Oh, did I tell you I be a little bit
late getting home tonight?

No.

It will probably be about : either
way things look at the moment.

Maybe, even or .

Goodbye, doctor.
I'll be back in an hour.

Thank you, Miss Pulteney.

Oh, and don't forget to order
the amalgam when you get back.

Come in now, Mr. Gorman.

Well, it's nice to see you.

And how is the world treating you?

My honeymoon with the sponsor

lasted just as long as
the first commercial.

As for my present mood,

will it outlast the final commercial?

You shall see in a moment.

At least my sponsor doesn't
seem to be taking any action

as a result of my attitude.

Until next week, good night.