02x01 - Wet Saturday

[bunniefuu]

Oh, good evening.

I'm so glad you've found me.

As you can see,

our new quarters
are rather modest,

but we like the location

and thought the change
might do us good, also.

And now, if you don't mind,

I would like to indulge
in an old American custom.

No matter how busy they are

or what
the surroundings may be,

Americans never omit
this quaint ritual.

If you don't care to join me,

I think you'll find
our play is about to begin

on one of the lower shelves.

Be quiet.

They'd send her
to an institution
or they'd hang her.

We should have to
move away from here.
It would be impossible.

I'd k*ll myself!

Oh, dear.
Oh, what shall we do?

Poor Millicent.

Oh, Millicent, how could you?

George, come here.

Over here, you idiot!

You want me to shout
across the room at you?

Now,

how far did you get
with your medical studies

before they threw you out
as hopeless?

You know as well as I do.

Yes, but do you know enough?

Did they drive enough
into your head,

so that you can guess
what any competent doctor
would be able to tell you

about such a wound?

Well, it's a...

It's a knock or a blow.

His head was battered in.

Now, could it be caused by
a tile falling off the roof
or a piece of the coping?

Well, governor, you see,
it's like this...

Is it possible?

No.

Why not?

Because she hit him
several times.

I can't stand it.

Oh, why should
such a terrible thing
have to happen to us?

You must stand it,
my dear.

Millicent,
we must go over this again.

No, no!

We must go
over it again.

Perhaps you've
forgotten something.
One tiny, irrelevant detail

may save or ruin us,
particularly you.

Now...

I can't, sir. I can't.

Stop it, child. Stop it!

Now, answer me.
You were in the stable?

Yes.

One moment, though.

Who knew that
you were in love with
this wretched schoolmaster?

No one! I never said
a word about it!

Don't worry, the whole darn
village knows.

They've been sniggering
about it in the Plough
for three years past.

Yes.

Very likely. Very likely.

Nevertheless, somehow,
it must be covered up.

Our family has held a position
of respect in this community
for generations.

I do not intend to have
that position destroyed

by the stupidity
of one foolish female.

Now, once more.

You were in the old stable.

You were putting
the croquet set
back in the box.

Yes.

You heard someone
crossing the yard.

Yes. It was Withers.

You call to him.

Did you call loudly?
Could anyone have heard you?

I didn't exactly
call him, Father.

What did you do, exactly?

Well, I...

No, he saw me
as I came to the door,

and he just waved
and came over.

How can I get out of you
if anyone was about?

Could he have been seen?

No,

because anyone could see that
it was just about to rain.

I suppose
everybody was inside.

Just then, it began to pour,

and he came running
to the stable door.

And you both stayed
in the stables?

It was raining hard.

What did he say?

He said,

"Hello, Millie. "

And to excuse him
for coming in by the back way,

but he'd set out
to walk over Bass Hill,

hunting butterflies,

and he thought he would
get in from the rain,

if I didn't mind.

Go on.

He said, passing the park,
he'd seen the house

and thought of me,

because he had something
special to tell me.

Millicent!

Don't cry!

He said he'd been definitely
offered the post

of Science Master
at St. John's.

And now, he could marry.

And I thought he meant me.

Don't tell me
what you thought.

Exactly what he said, no more.

He said... Oh, dear.

Don't cry. It's a luxury
you cannot afford.
Now, answer me.

He said it wasn't me,

it's Ella Brangwyn-Davies,

and he was sorry
and all that.
And then, he went to go.

And then?

I couldn't stand it!

He turned round,
and I had the croquet mallet
in my hand and I...

Oh, dear!

Did you scream or cry?
I mean, when you hit him.

I just threw it down.

Did he?

No, I just threw it down.

I came into the house.

That's all.
I wish I was dead.

Yes, unfortunately,
that wouldn't help
matters, now.

You met none of the servants?

No one would go
into the stables.

You see, George,
he probably told people that
he was going to Bass Hill.

Certainly, no one will ever
know that he came here.

Could have been
att*cked in the woods.

We must consider every detail.

A schoolmaster
with his head battered in.

Don't, Father.

A schoolmaster
with his head battered in
is found in the woods.

Now, who would want
to k*ll Withers?

Who'd k*ll Withers?

I would, with pleasure.

I say, I'm so sorry.
I walked right in.

How do you do,
Captain Smollet?

He heard you, Father,
he heard you!

Well,

we all have
our little jokes, you know.

Now, come, Millicent,
don't pretend to be shocked.

A cigarette, Smollet?

Oh, no, thanks.

Just a theoretical
little m*rder, you know.

We talk nothing but thrillers
in these days.

Oh, yeah.
It would be justifiable
homicide, I should say.

Have you heard
about Ella Brangwyn-Davies?

I shall be laughed at.

Why?

Why should you be laughed at?

Had a shot
in that direction myself.

She half said yes, too.
Didn't you hear?

She's been telling people
that we were
practically engaged.

And now, it'll look as if
I've got turned down
for a knobby-kneed clown

with a butterfly net.

Yes.

Yes.

I can quite see that
that would make you

feel rather bitter.

Oh, well.
Fortune of w*r, you know.

Sit down, Smollet.
Have a drink.

Thank you.

Will you excuse us
for a moment?

I've just
remembered something.

George and I
have something to see to.

Mother, Millicent,

take care of Captain Smollet
until we get back, will you?

We won't be a moment.
Come along, George.

Uh,

are you wet,
Captain Smollet?

Oh, just a bit.
Nothing to bother about.

But you'll catch cold.
You must have something
to drink.

Good. Put it down there,
behind the door.

Now, we...

We'd better get this
out of sight,
in case anybody comes in.

Put it in there.

A rat.

Yes, that's it.
We came to sh**t a rat.

What are we doing,
governor?

I'm saving the family name.

Now, so far, you've done
as you've been told.

Please continue to do so.

Well, I...
I think that's everything.

Another drink,
Captain Smollet?

No, thank you. I think I...

Are you sure
you wouldn't like another?
You always have two.

Millicent.

Well, do you want one or not?

Now, Millie.

She's overwrought,
Captain Smollet.

Yes, of course. I really think
I'd better leave.

Why, excuse me, my dear.

Smollet, would you care
to see something
rather interesting?

Why, yes, to be sure.

Good. Come along, then.

Oh, uh...
Thank you very much,
Millicent.

Oh, there's no hurry.
Finish your drink.

It's all right,
I'll finish it later.

Oh.

What the...

George and I came out here
to sh**t a rat.

It frightened Millicent
earlier this afternoon.

Of course, you may be shot
by accident, if you don't
listen very carefully.

I mean that.

What's the matter
with you, Princey?

A very tragic thing
occurred today.

It will be
even more tragic, if things
can't be smoothed over.

Oh?

You heard me say,
"Who'd k*ll Withers?"

You also heard Millicent
make a comment,

an unguarded comment.

Well, what of it?
Very little.

Unless you happened to hear
that Withers

met a very violent end
earlier this afternoon.

That, my dear Smollet,
is exactly what
you're going to hear.

What? You...
You've k*lled him?

Millicent.

Good heavens.

Precisely.

You would have remembered
and guessed.

Well, maybe.
Yes, I suppose I would.

And so, my dear Smollet,
you've become somewhat
of a problem.

Why did she k*ll him?

Oh, it's one of those
disgusting things.

Rather pitiful,
as a matter of fact.

She deluded herself
into thinking
that he was in love with her.

Oh, of course.

And then he told her about
the Brangwyn-Davies girl.

I see.

Now, I have no wish
that she should be proved

insane or a murderess.

I could hardly live here
after that, could I?

No, I suppose not.

On the other hand,

you know about it.

Ah, I see.

You're wondering if I can
keep my mouth shut.

But I promise...

I'm wondering if I could
believe you.

No, but, I mean,
if I promised...

If things went smoothly, yes.

But if there were any sort
of suspicion, any questioning,

you would be afraid
of becoming an accessory.

Oh, I don't know.

I do.

What are we going to do
about it, Smollet?

I can't think
of anything else.

You'd never be such a fool
as to do me in.

I mean, you can't get rid
of two corpses.

I regard it as a better risk
than the other.

Could be an accident.

Or you and Withers
might both disappear.

There are
possibilities in that.

Now, look here. You can't...

As a matter of fact,
there is a way out.

You suggested it yourself.

Oh, did I? Well, what was it?

You said that
you'd k*ll Withers.

You had a motive.

I was joking.

You're always joking.
People think there's something
behind it.

Now, look here, Smollet,

I can't trust you,
therefore you must trust me.

Go on.

There's a sewer, there.

We're gonna put
Withers' body into it.

Now, remember,
no outsider knows that he came
here this afternoon.

Nobody will ever dream
of looking there for it,
unless you tell them.

But you're going to give me
evidence that you
m*rder*d Withers.

What? Why should I?

So that I may be dead sure
that you will never open
your lips on the matter.

If you don't,
I shall sh**t you now,
this next minute.

Now, you can choose
between living or dying.

What evidence?

George,

hit him hard in the face.

Hold on...
Here now, wait! I...

Again. Don't bruise
your knuckles.

I'm sorry, Smollet.

There must be traces
of a struggle between you
and Withers,

then it will hardly be safe
for you to go to the police.

Why won't you
take my word?

I will when I'm finished.

George, pick up
that croquet mallet.

Use your handkerchief.

Now, grasp the handle
firmly, Smollet.

I'll sh**t you if you don't.

Oh, blast you.

Now, George,

pull two hairs
out of his head.

Now, attach them firmly
round the buttons

on Withers' coat sleeve.

Now, Smollet,

pick up that grating
over there.

Go on.

Now, Withers' body
is in there.

Get hold of it by the boots,

drag it through,
and dump it in the sewer.

I shan't touch him.

Stand back, George.

Look... Now, wait.
Wait a moment.

Oh, no. I...

Put back the grating.

Now, you see,
my dear fellow,

everything is perfectly safe.

No one knows
that Withers came here.

Everyone thinks
he went walking on Bass Hill.

There's five miles
of country to inspect.

Nobody will ever think
of looking for him
in our sewer.

So, you see, don't you,
how perfectly safe it is?

Oh, absolutely. As I'm sure
I shall never give it
another thought.

Shall I call
Mr. Princey, ma'am?

Oh, no, no.

That is... He'll be here
in a moment, Jane.
Don't worry.

Oh, look, my dear,

we went to the stable
to sh**t a rat
and found Captain Smollet.

Oh, don't be offended,
old fellow.

Oh, do sit down, all of you,
and have your tea.

Millicent, come closer to me
so that George can sit.

Captain Smollet,
do sit down.

You've bruised your lip.

You...
Oh.

I just knocked it.

Oh, too bad.
How did you do it?

Would you like me
to have Jane bring you
something for it?

Now, look here...
I mean, please don't trouble.
It's all right.

Very well, Jane.
That's all.

Smollet's been very kind,
my dear.

He knows all about
our trouble.

We can rely upon him.

We have his word.

Oh, have you,
Captain Smollet?

You are good.

He'll tell.
I know he'll tell, Father!

Millicent, go to your room
and stay there.

I can't stand
the sight of you anymore.

But, Father,

I haven't had my tea yet.

Well, go without
your blasted tea.

I think I'll go along now.
It's stopped raining.

Oh, must you?

Now, look here,
my dear fellow, there's
nothing to worry about.

They'll never find
anything here.

All we have to do from now on
is to keep our heads,

and our problems are solved.

Oh, Captain Smollet,
you are a nobleman.

A noble man.

Yes, all we have to do is
to keep calm. Perfectly calm.

Just forget the whole thing.

Why not stay
and have another drink,
Smollet, won't you?

No, thank you.
No, I think I'll get along.

Oh, well, if you really must.

Good evening.

Now, pay attention, please.

I have a word or two to say.

We shall have
to have Millicent down
again, I'm afraid.

George, go
and get your sister.

Dear, do you really think...
Is it really all right?

Certainly, it is.

There are a few things
that I have to go over
with the three of you.

Well?

I told her.

Come and sit down, Millicent.

Please sit quietly.

And try and control
your appetite
until I have finished.

I do not want to compete
for your attention
with a sandwich.

Now, listen to me.

We can't be certain,
of course, that our connection

with the disappearance
of Mr. Withers

will never come
to the attention
of the police.

We must be prepared
for any such contingency.

So, in case we're ever
questioned in the matter,

this is what has happened.

George and I went down
to the stables to sh**t a rat.

It was a nuisance in the rain,
but Millicent insisted.

You know
I'm not afraid of rats.

Hmm. Well, you are now.

Now, we were surprised
to find our friend,
Captain Smollet,

waiting in the stables.

Now, you recall that
the first time he was here
was before Jane served tea,

so she doesn't know that
he was here at that time.

That's right.
She didn't see him.

Now, Smollet explained
that he was in the stables
because he ducked in

to avoid
a particularly heavy shower.

So, naturally, we brought him
to the house for tea.

You understand?

Oh, yes, of course, dear.

Oh, I know they'll come.
I know they will!

They'll find him!
Millicent!

If you can't control yourself
until I have finished,

I shan't allow you
to have any more tea.

I say, you certainly have
taken care of things neatly.

Airtight, what.

Yes, he is thorough, isn't he?

He hasn't overlooked a thing.

You think so?

It's fortunate we don't have
to depend upon you
for our security, I must say.

But I don't see how
it could be any neater.

I mean, Smollet will
never tell himself,
that's certain enough.

But even if they do
find the... The cadaver
is discovered some time...

If it is discovered.
You see?

Leaving things to chance,
pure chance.

The same sloppy approach
that you've always had,
George.

Supposing Smollet were away
when it were discovered.

Supposing he had
skipped the country.

Well, I don't think he'd do
a thing like that.

Probably not.

Not enough imagination,
I dare say.

But I don't intend
to take a chance
on any such thing.

That is a careless,

slovenly way of doing things,
for which I have no patience.

But, dear,
what else can you do?

Now, listen closely

and remember.

Just a moment ago,
after Captain Smollet left,

we went back to the stable
to sh**t the rat.

We noticed

the cover to the sewer
was somewhat ajar.

And as you, George,
lifted it into place,

I glanced in

and made a ghastly discovery.

Now, is that
perfectly clear?

Yes.

But I don't understand.

Get me the police station
in Bass Hill, please. Quickly.

Hello, is that
the police station?

Oh, this is Mr. Princey
of Abbott's Laxton.

I'm afraid something
rather terrible has happened.

Do send somebody up here
at once, please.

Well, I...

I believe that should
cover everything.

I hope you let this be
an example to you, my boy.

It's a rare problem
that won't yield to
a little thought and patience.

But we must be very careful
never to leave
any loose ends dangling.

You see, that's the thing.

A little tea, Mother, please.

I presume that story
was intended to illustrate

that blood is thicker
than water.

I always find it heartwarming
to see a family standing
shoulder to shoulder

in the face of adversity.

Unfortunately,
the authorities were not
thrilled by this sight,

and were seen tossing about
such phrases as,

"Obstructing justice,"

"Accessory after the fact,"

"m*rder in the first degree. "
Very nasty.

The Princeys received
substantial sentences.

You see, unfortunately,
Captain Smollet
didn't play the game.

When the police arrived,
he insisted on his innocence,

thus confusing poor Millicent
to such an extent

that she re-enacted the crime
with her father as the victim.

Broke the croquet mallet, too.

I believe I'll have another.

There's no more vermouth.
Oh, well.

Fortunately, I still have
plenty of olives.

That was exceedingly dry.

Next week, we shall be back
at the same old stand.

Please drop in again.
Good night.