03x05 - A Dump of My Own

[bunniefuu]

Doesn't anyone want breakfast?

I have an egg and someM&M's.

I can make an omelet.

No, thanks, Peg.
I'm still pleasantly nauseous

after last night's feast
of the three-legged chicken.

Why would you buy a chicken
with three drumsticks?

Well, it cost
seven cents a pound.

The one with two legs
cost $ . a pound.

Excuse me for thinking
of our bank book

instead of our health.

Didn't you think that just maybe
there was something wrong

when the label said
"Chernobyl Farms"?

I mean, how many chickens
have flippers?

Well, don't blame me for that.

I just thought
it was an extra head.

You liked it,
didn't you, Bud?

Well, it was tasty,
but hard to eat.

I mean, every time
I cut a piece off,

it would grow back.

Aw...

Hey, can't somebody get Kelly
out of the bathroom?

I'm a little queasy.

I'm still trying
to pass a beak.

Next.

Ah, there we--
That's me, Dad.

I have to, uh...
stud myself up for school.

Oh, so you'll be needing
your smoking jacket

with matching blue Pampers.

Girls like me.

They do.

So, what's for lunch
today, Mom,

leftover chicken tumor?

You know, I'm hurt.

I feed a family of four
for cents,

and all I get is grief.

You know, I am trying
to save money

for the more important things
for this family.

Can I have $
to play the lottery?

Can't I just give you cents
for some prime rib?

Oh, please, Al?

The jackpot is up to $ million,
and I have a system.

I know I can win.

Oh, leave Daddy alone, Mom.

He works hard for his money.

Dad...

could I have $
for a python?

I need one for
the school talent show.

Marry your own wallet.

Oh, Al, please?

I just need $
to play my system.

I've studied the numbers.

And you know, in school,

there was one thing
I was good at.

Yeah, but, Peg,
in the real world,

they don't give prizes

for the longest period
by a sophomore.

It's all yours, Dad.

Well, it's about time.

The man who goes to work,
who pays the bills,

finally gets to enjoy
the fruits of his labor.

Stand back, kids,

let Daddy show you
how it's done.

Oh, and you might want
to put on your galoshes.

Aw, no.

Yup. She's rising
like the mighty Mississipp'.

Now, from what I can tell,

either you or Mom must've tried
to flush Kelly's report card

down the toilet.

Oh, no. Did I let
the Fs out of the bag?

Al, she's failing again.

Who cares?

I've got a chicken
pecking its way out of my body.

Why did we buy a house
with only one bathroom?

Because all the houses
in our price range were on fire.

Oh, except for that
lovely house with no kitchen

that I wanted.

Well, Peg, we all have to live
with our disappointments.

I, of course,
have to sleep with mine.

Is that its new name?

[LAUGHS]

But the point is...

when I was growing up,
I had two dreams.

One was being an astronaut

and landing on the planet
Jayne Mansfield.

The other was having a bathroom
all to myself.

Well, Daddy got blown off course

and had to crash
on a much darker planet.

But, family, I'm going
to realize my second dream.

I'm going to build a bathroom,

the greatest bathroom
in the world,

and I want you to know
something, all of you:

Nobody uses that bathroom
but me.

Al, honey, how can we afford
a new bathroom?

As it is, we give the kids candy
and tell them it's vitamins.

No more vitamins
for a while, kids.

But don't worry,
it won't cost much

because I'm gonna build it
myself.

Mom, I'm scared.

Hi, honey. How was school?

Oh, reading, adding,

false alarm, Principal's office,
the usual.

Kelly, you believe
in your mother, don't you?

Well, a little bit.

That's sweet.

Now, can I borrow some money
for the lottery?

I can't, Mom. Since Dad decided
to build his dream bathroom,

he took away our allowance.

What, does he think,

blond hair just grows
out of your head?

It's here!

[GRUNTING]

Where's Bud?
I want him to see this.

Bud, get down here!

Family, gather round.

What is it, Dad?

My destiny, son.

When I was a young boy,
I told myself

when I grew up,
I would have one thing:

a toilet bowl like my dad had.

I thought it was
a head like a peanut.

He had one of those too.

You're not gonna
ruin my moment, Peg.

Now, stand back
and feast your eyes on...

this!

Is it just me,
or is that a toilet?

Not just a toilet.

A Ferguson, the king of bowls.

Bud, sit down.

Let me tell you
the story of the Ferguson.

Now, these babies were
made in Maine, you know,

at the little
Ferguson factory.

It's the Stradivarius
of toilets.

And my dad could play it
like a violin.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Yep, I'll never forget the time

my dad took me on a trip
to Maine

to visit the factory.

I had to go to the bathroom,

and I begged him to pull in
to a truck stop.

He said, "No,
wait till we get there.

It'll be worth it."

It was.

Excuse me, here, Dad,
but a toilet is a toilet.

Bud, the toilets today
aren't worthy of the name.

They come in designer colors,
and they're too low.

When you flush 'em,

they make this little, weak,
almost apologetic sound.

Not the Ferguson.

It only comes in white.

And when you flush it,

ba...whoosh!

That's a man's flush, Bud.

A Ferguson says, "I'm a toilet.

Sit down
and give me your best sh*t."

Oh, if only a Ferguson
could speak,

the tales it would tell...

And now I've got one
of my very own.

Yeah, I just wish
Dad could be alive--

This time, I don't think
he's coming back.

Oh, look, Dad,
I'm sitting on my own Ferguson.

Just like you always knew
I would.

Remember this
at the trial, kids.

A Ferguson, you say.

It's made by elves,
I think,

somewhere in Canada.

How long will it take him
to build the bathroom?

Well, the instruction book says

that a child can do it
in three weeks.

So you figure six, eight months.

Then we'll bring in a child.

Well, on the plus side,
a second bathroom

will increase the value
of the house considerably.

[DRILL WHIRS]

But on the minus side...

doing it himself, is he?

Steve, why don't you go in,
see if you can help?

Why should I help him?

Because if you don't,
he may not finish.

Then he'll come over
and use our bathroom.

Like last week.

He k*lled our goldfish.

Doh, hi, Al.

Uh, I was just cutting
through here to go home.

No, no. Hang on
a second there, Steve.

I want to
ask you something.

What do you think so far?

It's a dream, Al.

Yeah, many's a time I'll be
sitting in my bathroom,

wishing I could
look at my car.

Do I detect a little
green-eyed monster

sneaking into your voice
there, Steve?

Come on, you can be honest.

It's beautiful, isn't it?

Al, I don't see any area
marked off for a sink.

Hey, this is a man's bathroom.

Ah, you know how

when you have to share
a bathroom with a woman,

well, in my case, Peggy,

you get nylons
on the shower rod,

you get Nair
where the toothpaste should be,

and a bottle of vinegar
lying around.

I mean...

What do they do in there,
make a salad?

Well, not in my bathroom, Steve.

In my medicine cabinet,

I'm just gonna have
guy stuff:

You know, Rolaids,
milk of magnesia,

Tums, my razor.

Why do you need a razor
when you don't have a sink?

Oh, it's not for shaving, Steve,

it's for peace of mind.

Look over here.

This is my own design.

This is my four-roll
toilet paper dispenser.

No more running out
in crucial situations.

When the b*mb drops, I'm set.

Now, listen, Al, there might be
some looting out there.

You might wanna get a r*fle
to protect those babies.

That's a good thought, Steve.

I had another great thought
the other day.

You know, I've been going
to lots of bathrooms lately,

you know, research.

And I saw something in
a public bathroom downtown

that I thought would work
just great in my bathroom here.

A door high enough so you can
crawl under without paying?

Oh, excuse me, Steve.

See, I don't have the class
like you,

what with a fish floating
belly-up in your bathroom.

That fish was alive
in the morning, Al.

Uh, anyway,
I was in this handicap stall,

and I notice that
they have this great rail.

You know, many's the time
I need a rail to help me get up.

You really don't want
this chicken?

Nah, the kids
hate leftovers.

Oh, don't put it
anywhere near a clock.

Anyway, Marcy,

I just know my lottery numbers
are gonna come up,

and I just need $ to play.

So, what do you say, Marce?

You lend me the $ ,

and if I win, I'll pay you back.

Let me be honest
with you, Peggy.

I once loaned money to a friend,

and that person
never paid me back.

I never said a word about it,

but I harbored
a deep resentment.

And it strained
our relationship,

to the point where
the very sight of that person

made me sick.

You're kidding.

What a lowlife.

Who was it?

It was you, Peggy.

Oh.

How'd you like
to have the rights

to Al's organs
after he dies?

Sound good?

Oh, no, I can't do that.

I hocked those the other day
for a t*nk of gas,

but, you know, I think
I have a spleen left.

No, but thank you.

We have so many knickknacks
already,

it would just be
one more thing to dust.

Look, Peggy,
if you really need the money,

they're looking
for part-time help

at the supermarket.

You'd do that for me?

Listen, why don't you just
ask Al for the money?

I can't.

Ever since he's been
building that bathroom,

he hides his wallet
in a different place.

Al's bowels are draining
the very lifeblood

out of this family.

You know, all he thinks about
is that bathroom.

He even makes flushing sounds
in his sleep.

Ba-whoosh!

Not that he's given up
his regular sounds.

Well, I guess I'm lucky.

Steve just holds himself
and hums.

What a pig,

but at least he's not
building a monument

to his regularity.

I am telling you, Marcy,

Al loves that toilet bowl
more than he does me.

Oh, Peggy, don't be ridiculous.

Hi, Peg.

Daddy loves you.

What does that toilet have
that I don't?

A job.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: And no one
has won our big jackpot.

So keep playing,

because the $ million jackpot
could be yours.

[RADIO ANNOUNCER
SPEAKS SPANISH]

Twenty-one mil, and it's
all gonna be mine.

You mean ours,
don't you, Mom?

[LAUGHS]

Sure.

This is ridiculous.

Mom, when is Dad gonna
turn the electricity on?

I wanna play
some records.

Oh, come on, Kel,
you don't need records.

You know all the words.

Just chant,
"Oh, Satan. Yay, Satan.

Satan,
I'm your squeeze."

Eat Dad's socks.

Sniff his shoes!

Now, kids, we are all
just a little on-edge here.

I think we're letting
the cold and dark get to us.

Mom, seriously,
is this our life?

Well, I think you're old enough
to know the truth.

Yes, it is.

Okay, kids, coats off.
Daddy's on a break.

I'm just having
the time of my life.

[LAUGHS]

Bud.

Kelly.

Fergie.

Hey, I got an idea.

What say I get the camera,

and we each pose
for a picture with the bowl?

Oh, can I stick
my head in it, please?

You just wise-guyed yourself
out of a picture, young lady.

Who's first?

Al, we are living like Okies.

Can you please finish
that bathroom?

Peg, I'm in
the home stretch now.

I would've been done already,

but something keeps happening
to my stuff.

Bud, did you take
my adjustable wrenches?

Yeah, Dad.

You're onto me.

I've been having
these wild parties.

I've been inviting girls over,

and we turn the lights down
real low,

and we...g*ng-fix the sink.

Kelly?

Oh, come on, Dad, look around.

If I was gonna steal anything,

it certainly wouldn't be
from this house.

Yeah, it must be the neighbors.

You know,
people hear you got a Ferguson,

they think you got money.

Yeah, well, people hear
you got a husband,

they think you have sex.

Say what you will, Peg,
you won't bring me down.

This bowl has given me
a natural high.

Button up, kids.
I'm going back to work.

I just wish I could figure out

what's happening to my tools
and my copper tubing

and my tiles and my life
and my manhood.

ALL:
* Flintstones *

* We're the Flintstones *

* We're the modern Stone-Age
Family **

Drop that tile!
[WHIRS]

You, Peg?

Oh, Al, I'm sorry,

but it's just that you've
been hiding your wallet.

And I had to sell your tools
for lottery money.

Oh, Al, you see, if you die,

then I can get welfare.

But if you live,
I have nothing.

I had to do it.
Don't you understand?

You see, you've got
this bathroom.

Well, this lottery
is my bathroom.

We each have a dream.

Yours is just pathetic.

Well, okay, Peg, if you think
that winning the lottery

is more important
than our marriage,

then...go ahead.

[WHIRS]

Did I forget to mention
you won't make it to the door?

Come on, Peg. Sit down here.

Peg...

Honey, we don't need
the lottery.

We've got each other.

I want the lottery.

Peg, all I'm asking
you to do is nothing.

Nobody does that
better than you.

Just pretend
the kids are hungry

and I've got the flu.

You mean just sit
on the couch

and pretend
you don't exist?

Yes.

Like that time
you broke your foot?

Yes!

Just for one week, Peg.

Can you do it
for me, please?

Aw, you're so cute
when you beg.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I'll do it, Al.

Uh, Peg, there's just
one other thing.

If you have to steal
for the lottery,

for one week,
steal from the kids, okay?

Okay.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, Peg. You know,
a funny thing happened.

I was at the gas station
the other day, and...

I was rubbing my eyes.

This mechanic came over to me,
and he said,

"Don't do that. I own those."

What do you think he meant?

Well, you know
how foreigners are, honey.

They think they own everything.

TV ANNOUNCER: Congratulations
to our $ million winner,

Mr. Soo Lum Park.

Not bad for two weeks
in the country, eh, Soo?

[CLICK]

Did anybody take my skateboard?

Oh, leave me alone.

Well, Daddy finally
finished his bathroom.

You know, the living room
seems so much bigger

without the Ferguson.

Yeah,

This must be quite a moment
for your father.

He's in there, breaking in
the Ferguson as we speak.

Must be having fun.

He's been in there
for over an hour.

How was it, Al?

I don't know, Peg.

I'm constipated.

This is the worst
day of my life.

I wonder if this
ever happened to Dad.

Do you want me

to undercook you
some chicken, honey?

No, but thanks
anyway, Peg.

It'll take something a lot
stronger than raw chicken

to get me fixed up.

TV ANNOUNCER:
And now, stay tuned

for the rest
of our exciting ABC lineup:

Roseanne, Moonlighting,

and the award-winning
thirtysomething.

[CLICK]

[DOOR SHUTS]

[TOILET FLUSHES]

AL:
Now, that's a man's flush.