03x06 - Her Cups Runneth Over

[bunniefuu]

[ARETHA FRANKLIN'S
"RESPECT" PLAYING]

[LIP-SYNCHING]
* What you want *

* Baby, I got *

* What you need *

* Do you know I got it? *

* All I'm askin' *

* Is for a little respect
When you come home *

* Hey, baby *
* Just a little bit *

* When you come home *
* Just a little bit *

* Mister *
* Just a little bit *

* I ain't gonna do you wrong
While you're gone... *

This is so sad.

Look at her.

Every year,
it's the same thing.

Yup. The birthday hop.

* R-E-S-P-E-C-T *

* Find out what
It means to me *

* R-E-S-P-E-C-T *

* Take out T-C-P *

* Oh *
* Sock it to me *

* A little respect *

* Whoa *

* A little respect *
* Just a little bit *

You'd think
she'd learn,

but every year,

she turns
on the oldies station,

cranks it up real loud,

and dances the dances
of our forefathers.

Oh, and then,

she realizes
how old she is

and gets depressed.

Watch.

DJ:
Remember that one?

If you do, you must be ,

because it was
over years ago.

That was one for you, Grandma!

So sad. So sad.

Bud, if I ever
get that old

and act like that,

would you please
sh**t me?

Why wait?

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Mom.

Leave me alone.

Hi, Peg.

How you doing?

How am I doing?

It's my birthday,

and you have the audacity
to ask me how I'm doing?

[SIGHS]

The best years
of my life are over.

And the worst part is
I spent them with you.

By the way, Al,

am I still attractive?

Peg, you're still
the same knee in the groin

you were
when you were .

I don't believe you.

You didn't say it
with feeling.

You are an insensitive hog
of a man.

Ooh, I've gotta do
something

to shake
these birthday blues.

I know.
Give me money.

I'm gonna shop
till you drop.

Oh, by the way, Al,

this does not get
you off the hook

for a present,

and this year,

I want
something different.

Oh, Peg, I only know
how to do it one way.

And one day,

maybe you'll
get it right.

No, honey.

This year,
I want something

that lasts longer
than three minutes.

I want a real gift.

I want you
to spend money on me, Al.

Peg, I have
no more money.

That doesn't stop me
from spending it.

God, do I have to do
everything around here?

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Dad.

Kids, why didn't you tell me
it was your mother's birthday?

I wouldn't have come home.

Dad, do you know
what we love about you?

How could I?

It's that you're old,
but it's okay.

Yeah,
like Popeye.

You yam
what you yam.

You're
the greatest, Dad.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm broke, son.

Don't call me "son."

Kelly, let me
ask you a question.

Daddy, no matter
what you heard

on the streets,

I'm a good girl,

and I never would have
done that.

No, no, no.
It's about your mother.

Daddy, no matter
what you heard

on the streets,

she's a good girl
and she never--

No! I want to talk
about her birthday.

I don't know
what to get your mother.

Maybe your being a girl
will come in handy for once.

Any ideas?

Well, it's not as easy
as it sounds, Dad.

She's real down
about this age thing.

You've got to
understand something.

Mom was around
before I was even born.

It's harder
for a woman to get old.

There's so many more
places to sag.

You know, I've seen
those college girls

just starting to age.

The little lines they get around
their eyes when they smile,

the hair on their knuckles
starting to darken,

the fear in their face
as they find themselves

staring at the big - .

Well, I guess what
I'm trying to say here

is that--

Wait.
What was the question?

Yeah, I'd like
to get some flowers

for my wife's birthday.

What can I get for $ . ?

Well, how much for some seeds?

Hello?

Hello?

Oh...

Oh, hi, Peg. How you doing?

I feel so empty.

I shopped and I shopped,
and I still couldn't get happy.

Look at all this junk.

I don't even want half of it.

Oh. And as if I wasn't
depressed enough,

something horrible happened
while I was out shopping.

You accidentally
bought something for me?

No. Worse than that.

They discontinued my bra.

I told you
not to wear it out in public.

No, you damn shoe salesman.

They stopped making it.

My Fancy Figure
is a thing of the past.

Oh, Al...

What's gonna become
of my breasts?

I love how my bosom looks
in the Fancy Figure .

It lifts. It cradles.

Al...

That is the only style bra
I have ever worn.

Come on, Peg.

The guys will
look good in anything.

You mean that, Al?

You'll still love
your little squeezies?

[CHUCKLES]

Well, sure, Peg,

but promise
to keep them locked up

till the sun goes down.

Well...

I'm gonna have to do
something about it

sooner or later,

so I bought
different bras.

This is the only one
that comes close...

The Maxi-Force
EZ Loader.

What do you think?

Well, I'm thinking
on my birthday,

do I run to you
with my underwear,

looking for help?

Well, maybe you should.

Then I could tell you

that the bigger hole
goes in front.

Yeah, Peg,
I sense you're in a mood here.

You know, it's just
a stinking bra.

Who cares?

Let me explain it to you
so you'll understand.

You know how you like

to stick your finger
in your ear?

Well, just suppose
that one day

that ear closed up

and the finger
didn't fit anymore.

I'd use your fingers,

like I do
when you're sleeping.

Doesn't anyone
understand?

Peggy...

I just heard
about your bra.

I'm so sorry.

Do you have a backup?

No.

Tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk.

Peggy, you have got
to plan ahead.

Now, I have a backup,

and I break it in gradually
so it's not such a shock,

and I'm always out scouting.

The Pretty Petite
looks promising.

Oh, but that's more of
a power bra.

What you need

is a nice, all-purpose
utility bra.

Mmm, but with more women
joining the workforce,

those are hard to find.

Oh, tell me about it.

I don't know
why we even need bras.

Well, I think

it's to keep your breasts
off the plate when you eat.

You know, if we put
an apple in his mouth,

we could have
a luau.

No. He's got to go
to work tomorrow

and earn that big money.

[LADIES LAUGH]

[SIGHS]

You know
who we have to blame

for this whole
bra problem?

Me?

No, men.

They design
and manufacture bras

not for the bosoms
that we have,

but for the bosoms
that they want.

Do you know
what would happen

if men had breasts?

We wouldn't need women anymore?

And if you had
what other men have,

I wouldn't need
batteries anymore.

That's what happened
to my Diehard!

Come on, Peggy,
let's go upstairs

and see
if we can piece

some of your
old bras together.

That should
tide you over

till you can break in
a replacement.

Oh, Marcy,
what am I gonna do?

That bra was
the only thing in this house

that felt good
when it held me.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

I'm glad
you're here.

I need a bra, Steve.

Some makeup wouldn't hurt,
either.

I'm in real trouble
here, Steve.

They discontinued
my wife's bra,

yet my wife lives on.

If I don't get her
a good birthday present,

I'm in big trouble.

It could get ugly.

She could want affection.

As we know,

affection is just
a hammerlock away from sex.

So, what's the problem?

Just get her her old bra,

and you can hang up the big guy
for another year.

That's a nice dream,
Steve,

but I can't do it.

She's looked
everywhere in town.

She can't find
that bra.

Ah, but she hasn't tried
Francine's of Hollywood

in Oconomowoc,
Wisconsin.

It's the ultimate
lingerie store.

That's where I send
for those special, um...

items I get for Marcy.

Do you think
they'd have her bra?

Their motto is,

"If you've got the boulders,
we've got the holders."

It's a long way
to go though, isn't it?

PEGGY:
Oh, they don't look right!

Al, come up here and hold me.

I'll drive.

I knew women
looked like this.

I knew it.
I knew it.

Excuse me, sir.

Would you know

where they put
the bun sparkle?

I think they keep that
in the produce department.

Thanks.

Whoa! So many things I want.

May I help you?

Uh, yes. We'd like
to buy some breasts.

Er, bras.

And breasts.

Actually, uh,
we're up from Chi-Town.

We're interested
in the Fancy Figure

for my friend here.

Size?

Oh, gee, I don't know, uh...

About this tall.

Oh, I see.

Don't be embarrassed.

We often cater
to people like you.

Now, what size

does your boyfriend
like to see you in?

No, no, no!

You don't--
You don't understand.

We're married.

Not to each other!

To, uh...women.

And if I was gay,

I'd like to think
I could do better than him.

What's that
supposed to mean?

You don't turn me on.
There, I said it.

Anyway, I'm looking for a bra
for my wife,

who is a woman...sort of.

Well, then, I'll need to
know her cup size.

Is she my size?

Sir?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was sweating into my eyes.

What did you say?

What's her cup size?

Oh, like, uh...

Oh, miss, excuse me.

Could you help us out
here a minute?

Sure.

Um...um.

What do you think,
Steve,

about like this?

I'm not speaking to you.

Uh...

I'm sorry, sir,

but I'm gonna have to
take them away now.

We have to try on
some stuff.

Oh...

Anyhow, they're
about like this.

Oh, C.

You're a lucky man.

Yeah, if they came à la carte.

Just give me .

Okay.

Let's see the Japanese build
a better one of those.

Steve, aren't you
ashamed of yourself?

Huh?

Oh, come on, Al.
She was asking for it.

You see how she's dressed.

Al, I'm feeling
a little fevered.

I'm just gonna go over there
and cool off.

Hey, Pops.

How they hanging?

Not too bad, son.

Not too bad.

I see you ordered
the Fancy Figure .

Solid bra,

a bra with its feet
on the ground.

A real man's bra.
[LAUGHS]

Ah, look at that...

And they wonder
why we call 'em queens.

Yeah...there ought to be a law.

WOMAN: Pops! Phone.

It's your wife.

Nag, nag, nag,
eh, buddy?
[LAUGHS]

Sheesh.

Well, nice try, Marce,

but now
the right one lifts,

and the left one
cradles.

Till now,

the guys have
always worked as a team.

Well, this is just
to tide you over

till you find
the one you want.

That's what Mother
said about Al.

Now look at me.

Thinking of Al

is not going to
help anyone.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Yeah, you're right,

but I can't help it.

I feel lower
than I did on our honeymoon

when I realized
Al wasn't holding back.

Oh, I'm sorry. Kelly's not home.

Mrs. Bundy?

Yes.

You're under arrest.

What for?

Parking tickets.

Oh, well, that can't be.

That's impossible.

My car isn't even registered.

Officer, isn't there something
we can do about this?

We can dance.

[MARCY SQUEALS]

[FUNKY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Happy birthday, Peggy!

Oh, hi, Al.

I was just outside
checking the car.

The meter's
a little low.

I'm gonna need about $
in quarters.

Here are your bras, sir.

Would you like some paddles
to go with them?

No. I don't have
a Ping-Pong table.

Excuse me, sir.

Are you straight?

The hairs on my chest are.

Oh, good.

Maybe you can help me.

If you were my boyfriend,
would you like this?

Will he like it?

Or do you think

he'd like it better
without the bra,

like this?

Yeah, you're right.

I don't need the bra.

You know, they change
everything good.

Remember full-service
gas stations?

They used to give you gas,
change your oil

and wash your windows.

Now they just look up
your dress,

say, "Pay before you pump,"

and, "America, phooey."

They do it
with TV shows too.

Remember
Mission: Impossible?

They canceled it.

What did they
replace it with?

Mission: Impossible.

I miss eight-track tapes.

I'm not paying you
to speak, dear.

Hi, Mom.

Dad dead?

No.

Well, then,

I guess this is a good time
to discuss my new allowance.

Don't worry, Bud.

He's just
an exotic dancer

that Mrs. Rhoades
got for Mommy's birthday.

It's just a rental.

Hi, Mom.

Dad dead?

Just in spirit.

Well...I gotta go.

Bar exam tomorrow.

Happy birthday,
ma'am.

You're very gifted.

Mind if I get dressed upstairs?

Oh, yeah.

First door
on the right.

Just follow
the trail of tears.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I know it's anticlimactic,

but we got you
some presents too.

Oh, you didn't
have to do that.

I told you
we didn't have to do this.

Why do I listen to you?

It's Mom's birthday.

Drop dead, will you?

Here.
Open mine first.

Ohhh...

Al Jolson's
Greatest Hits.

Oh, honey.

It's a .

[LAUGHS]

I knew
Kelly's would b*mb.

Now, open mine.

Unlike Kelly, I knew you were
down about your birthday,

so I got you something
to make you feel better.

Mrs. Yesterday's
Wrinkle Remover?

"Smear the years away."

You know, I'm telling you,

when you got your family,
you've got it all.

Kids...

No supper tonight.
Get out.

That settles it.

I'm a bachelor for life.

And a virgin.

Dad, if you're smart,

you'll toss the present
like a hand grenade

and sleep
at the bus station like us.

Al, it's my birthday.

Where have you been?

Oconomowoc.

Francine's?

I don't know.

Have you been
a good little girl?

Yes, I have. Yes, I have!

Oh, Steve.

I've been bad.

I've been very bad.

Well, come on, then.

Yeah, that's a healthy marriage.

Guess what I got you.

A senior citizen's
bus pass?

[SIGHS]

Oh, Al!

It's my Fancy Figure .

I can't believe this.

You found it.

I got of them,

so as long as they live,

the guys will always have
a roof over their heads.

Oh, Al...

You are the sweetest man
in the whole world.

I know.

Oh, honey.

Where did you
get the handcuffs?

Oh...

They were a gift.

Al, you don't think
I'm getting old, do you?

Peg, you look
just the way you did

the day I married you.

Only difference is
today I'm not dead drunk.

Oh, Al.

All right, Peg,

we both know
this isn't the end of it.

Let's get to it.

Let's go upstairs.

See, you're
never satisfied.

Do you know
what I had to go through

to get that present?

I had to drive
to Wisconsin.

I had to reassure Steve
that I find him attractive.

I had to sit
in the store for an hour

and look
at nothing but, uh...

Yeah, let's go upstairs.

[LAUGHS]

[GIGGLES]

AL:
Peg, who's the cop
with his pants on backwards?