03x22 - Here's Lookin' at You, Kid

[bunniefuu]

Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com

ANNOUNCER [OVER TV]:
We'll be back in a moment
with Dr. Sandy,

Channel 's leading authority
on sex and weather.

Mom, how are we
gonna get money?

Dad took his wallet
in the shower with him.

Yeah, and as we all know,

when we rifled
his pants last night,

we found a note in his pocket.

It said,

"It's in my underwear.
I dare you."

Dad's playing hardball.

What're we
gonna do, Mom?

Ah, don't worry about it.

That's not his real wallet.

This is.

But won't Dad know?

No, I bought a duplicate wallet,

and I filled it
with Xeroxed money.

The way I figure it,

if your dad's got the gall

to go out
and buy himself something

without telling the family,

he deserves to go to jail.

ANNOUNCER:
And now we're back

with Dr. Sandy
and viewer mail.

SANDY: Our first letter
is from "desperate,"

a.k.a. Peggy Pundy.

She writes,
"Lately my husband,

"we'll call him Sal,

"shows no interest in sex,

at least not with me."

Well, my dear,

perhaps a change of venue
would spice up your sex life.

Have you tried doing it
in the living room?

Or the kitchen.

And there's always
the bathroom.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Try it, Mrs. Pundy.

You'll like it.

I did.

[CLICKS OFF TV]

Well, Peg, I'm showered
and ready to go to work

and edge ever closer
to the grave.

Wish me luck.

Al, take me.

I want to have sex
on the kitchen table.

I want to have a meal
on the kitchen table.

Learn to live without.

I did.

Goodbye.

Al, I'm serious.

I want sex.

Peg, how long
have we been married?

Forty, years?

Do we not have two children?

Well, yeah.

Then my job is done.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Good morning, Al.

Try selling shoes.

Marcie, let me
ask you something.

Have you and Steve
ever, uh, done it

in other places?

You mean like planes, buses,

the observation deck
of the John Hancock building?

Ahhh...

Sit down.

Marcie,

I am trying to put

some excitement
and spontaneity

back into our sex life.

Actually,

I'm trying to put Al
back into our sex life.

Well, let's start
with seduction.

What's your technique?

Well, what works best

is when I leave a trail
of chocolate bars

from the bathroom to the bed.

Of course, the trick is
to space them out just right

so that he doesn't eat too much,

or he'll doze off
before he gets to me.

Perfectly normal,

perfectly normal.

But remember, Peggy,
men are like little boys.

You have to make sex naughty,

filthy and degrading,

the way they like it,

and the way we need it.

So whenever I want to put
a little more...

beef in Steve's jerky...

I take him to this nice,
little romantic motel

out near the airport.

It's called the Hop-On Inn.

Isn't it
beautiful?

I think I know
what's going on here.

The chocolates in the car,
the oil on my zipper.

You want sex, don't you?

No, I want
a fur coat,

but I'll take what's
behind zipper number one.

Peg, if you scare him
like this,

he'll never come out.

Look, Al,
I want sex.

Do you want to be
conscious or not?

Oh, come on, honey.

We could start
with a Jacuzzi.

Aw, Peg,
I hate Jacuzzis.

They sh**t air up my butt.

Well, that's
a nice change of pace.

Oh, look.

They left us a movie,
a mood enhancer.

"Filth."

Sounds pretty romantic.

Well, I'm just gonna change.

Okay, Al.

Pop in the movie,
pop in a breath mint,

and let's coax the mummy
out of his crypt.

I don't want to have sex.

You're my wife, for God's sake.

Hasn't having the kids
taught you anything?

Nothing good comes of it.

Now, sit down
and watch this movie.

Now, isn't this fun?

Whoa.

I didn't know a human leg
could do that.

Oh, I want that.

Oh, and I want that!

And I definitely want that!

Ew! Ooh!

You know, that guy looks
a little like...

BOTH:
Steve and Marcie!

That is
Steve and Marcie.

Wow!

Look at her go.

Ah, Peg,

what kind of perv-o
would get turned on

watching themselves?

Oh, shut up, Al.

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

[GROANS]
Oh, noooo...

I can't believe
they taped us.

And on
"back to school" night.

Steve,
I feel so violated.

Gee, if we'd known you didn't
know you were being taped,

we never would have
brought you over here

and sprung this on you.

I feel terrible.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Yeah, laugh,
clowns, laugh,

but here's a hot flash
for you.

If they taped us,
they taped you too.

Peg, I told you

we should
never have sex.

Now everybody's
gonna know.

I just know my hair was a mess,

and I had on my old nightgown.

I never look good in pictures.

I know this is off the subject.

Don't you realize

that all of our rights
have been tremendously violated?

We were caught in the act of--

And then the ducky said
to the frog,

"Then why is it on the menu?"

[ALL CHUCKLE]

No!

TV's for adults.

Don't you kids
have something to do?

Well, personally,

I'm just k*lling time
till I'm .

I'm helping her count.

Mrs. Rhoades is blushing
like a schoolgirl.

You told them.

Everybody knows
I'm a p*rn queen!

Kel,

I believe
something deeply personal

is going on here.

And it might be
more comfortable

for the adults

if the children
left the room.

Therefore, I shall open
the bidding.

Five dollars.

I hear .

Any further bidding?

Perhaps
from the little lady

with the deep secret?

Al, can't you
get rid of them?

Don't you think I've tried?

All right,
you little gangsters.

How much
are we talking?

Well, bucks
hides a lot of shame.

Trust her.
She should know.

Kids...

Aren't you
forgetting something?

BOTH: Thank you,
Mr. and Mrs. Rhoades.

Al, what are we gonna do?

Well, I don't know about you,

but when the kids go to sleep,
I'm looting.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna sue these vermin
for everything they've got.

Oh, I don't know.

I've always been a fan
of physical v*olence.

How about if I go down there
and break a back or two?

That way, everybody's happy.

Quiet, dear.

Steve has a thought

on how sex with you
can finally be satisfying.

So we can make
some money off of this?

And see justice served.

Right, Marcie?

When you go down there,

and you've broken
their spines

and snapped their arms
like little twigs,

and they're truly,
truly helpless,

then I'll come in.

Yeah, I'll come in,

with just a mere
old-fashioned can opener.

And I'll do
things to them...

that'll make
the devil himself vomit.

Uh...or we could sue.

How much do you
think we can get?

I think a million dollars
is not out of the question.

A million dollars?

Al, we hardly do
anything together anymore.

Let's sue.

Well, Peg,

I don't know.

It'd be kind of embarrassing.

A million dollars, Al.

Do you know
what that means to you?

Five thousand dollars.

I told you, Peg,
we should've

just b*at the hell
out of these people.

It's a million dollars, Al.

How else are we

gonna get
a million dollars?

You earn it? Ha, ha!

Now, just relax
and be outraged.

How lovely.

New meat.

Who's that?

The attorney
for the defense.

Where's our lawyer?

You're
looking at him.

It's me,
you idiot.

I figure this is
an open-and-shut case.

A lawyer
takes percent.

That's thou.

That leaves us only
grand to split.

After taxes,
we get squat.

Now, trust me.
I know what I'm doing.

Where's
everybody going?

We're standing for the judge,
Mr. Darrow.

[GAVEL CRACKS]

This court is now in session.

We will be hearing

Rhoades and Bundy
v. The Hop-On Inn.

We will now hear
opening statements.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hello, everyone.

Anyhow,

my wife and I
and Peggy and Al Bundy

went to the Hop-On Inn

to indulge
in a little clean marital fun...

On separate occasions,
of course.

During the course
of our wholesome bliss,

our romantic activities,

the reaffirmation
of the love we share,

and whatever the Bundys
were doing...

our conjugal privacy
was invaded.

Yes, we were violated
by video cameras.

But first,

I think you should hear
some background

that I believe is germane
to this case.

My grandfather came
to this country a poor man...

And in World w*r II,

my uncle Nick

wiped out more n*zi dogs
with venereal disease

than six armor divisions...

[***]

Then they tape us having sex.

And that concludes
my opening statement.

Uh, Your Honor?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Ms. Weigel,

would you care to make
an opening statement?

The defense passes
for the moment, Your Honor.

Good move, girlie.

JUDGE:
Mr. Rhoades,

you may call your first witness.

Your Honor,

my only witnesses are...

Exhibits A and B.

Steve,
you have the tapes?

You're not gonna show those.

A million dollars, Marcie.

Doesn't my honor
mean more to you

than a million dollars?

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury, exhibit A.

And...the end.

[APPLAUSE]

Oh, thank you.

Honestly, it was nothing.

No, really.

And, now...exhibit B.

The subpoenaed tape
of Mr. and Mrs. Bundy...

And the end.

And so,

in conclusion,

I'm sure it's obvious

that our privacy
was indeed invaded,

and so we deserve
a million dollars.

I rest my case.

Ms. Weigel.

I'd like to call
my first witness to the stand,

a Mrs. Marcie Rhoades.

Mrs. Rhoades...

had you ever been
to the Hop-On Inn

before the evening in question?

[QUIETLY]
Yes, once or twice.

We can't hear you.

I said, once or twice.

Need I subpoena
the desk clerk, Guido?

Thirty or times.

Thirty or times.

Well, I suppose that's normal.

Mrs. Rhoades,
are you wearing underwear?

Two pairs.

And are they both crotchless?

Yes, damn you.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,

I ask you, does this woman,

the same woman you witnessed
on that tape,

look like a woman
who has been wronged

by anyone but her husband?

I object.

Sure, when she picks on you.

Where were you during
the underwear examination?

Mrs. Rhoades,

you were not one bit deceived.

You knew that camera was there
all along.

What kind of a woman
do you think I am?

Let's just see, shall we?

Look familiar?

[GASPS] No!

Thank you,
Mrs. Rhoades.

Get out of my sight,
you make me sick.

I'd now like to call
to the stand

Mr. Al Bundy.

You did put on
clean underwear today,

didn't you, Al?

Mr. Bundy, on what grounds
are you suing?

Um...

well, my wife's sick of poverty,

and, uh...

she told me
she'd give me $ .

That's it?

Then there's that outrage thing.

Mr. Bundy,

let's once again view
that arousing performance

you claim that my client
is capitalizing on.

All right,
I'm feeling relaxed here,

and I'm breathing good.

There's the foreplay.

And, uh...

once again, I finish first.

I'd now like to call Mrs. Bundy.

Mrs. Bundy,

did you have sex
with your husband

at the Hop-On Inn?

Yes.

Mrs. Bundy,
may I remind you

that the penalty
for perjury

is seven years in prison,

where, I assure you,
you will have sex.

All right.

Well, it may not be sex to you,
but it is to me,

And just because
you all have husbands

that can last long enough
to time an egg,

doesn't mean that what Al does
doesn't count.

You may step down.

Is a crumb not a banquet
for a starving person?

You may step down.

Is a fig leaf
not clothing for the naked?

Please, step down.

You can't do this
to Al!

Remove this woman.

He'll lose what
little confidence

he already has.

You were great, baby.

Please, oh, please,
don't listen to her.

Don't give up.

You are much man!

[WAILS]
Oh, God!

[GAVEL CRACKS]

Has the jury reached a verdict?

Yes, we have, Your Honor.

We, the jury, award
punitive damages of $ ,

to Mr. and Mrs. Rhoades

on the grounds
that their privacy

was indeed invaded.

Not bad, huh, babe?

Curdle and die.

And as for the Bundys,

no sex, no money.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen
of the jury.

This court is now adjourned.

Well, Al,

at least we still
have each other.

[SOBBING]

Peg, come with me.

Where are we going?

Come here a minute.

Over here.

What, Al?

Hurry up. Come on.

Get down in there.

Like this, Al?

Yeah, like that.

AL:
Now, was that sex,
or was that sex?

[PEGGY SLOWLY EXHALES
SMOKE]

That was sex, Al.

And you know,
if we had been on tape,

we would have made
a million bucks.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[***]